Be U: Something Weird in the Air

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Something Weird in the Air

Something is certainly weird here in my air. I can't understand it, know it or get a handle on it. Feels like tension, war, uncertainty. As I sit at the computer, it is very dark outside like rain is coming. Most of the leaves have lost their color and alot of the trees are bare. There is a stillness in the air as well.

I'm not knowing what to do or how to proceed on. Am I at a crossroads? Is it time for me to see scleroderma as staying with me and lose the belief that I will be healed? That I will have a life without this disease? Wow. Didn't see this coming.

OK. Let's just say I will have pain and discomfort for the rest of my life. I will never be able to paint my nails and have pretty hands. I will always have problems picking something up, putting jewelry on, taking dishes out of the diswasher, feeling someone's touch. Is it the end then for me. Certainly not. Do I wish it were different. Certainly.

I sadden thinking of this. However, I know it's time for me to let go of the 30 year old belief that I can make this go away. It is time for me to believe that I can live happily with it.

What would I be like without the thought that I can heal. I would be free to let go of the search and do, live and breathe other things.

Ok. So, here on this post. I am accepting defeat. Defeat of ever being the person I want to be without a disease. I can be the person I want to be with a disease.

Now, to just learn how to be me without the pretense and the waiting for me to be (what I believe) whole.

I can be whole just as I am. (no, not feeling that completely yet, ha).

Truth.? How do I go out and be a 'hot babe' and look and feel good when I have pain, discomfort and inabilities. Oh, so the truth really comes out! The internal love of external beauty. ohhhhhh. Yes, I have it. I love feeling like I look good. I've never put together looking good and having an illness.

Although what comes to mind is when I met another woman with scleroderma and she was sitting at another table talking with a group of people and there was sunlight on her and she looked beautiful.

OK. So I got this. Life goes on. Life is what we make it. Life (I've (got) nothing more. I'm sitting here with my hand on my forehead, elbow on the table.)

Oh the trials and tribulations!

I'm hoping you have better 'air' than I do today!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!

Coming for the Real You.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Something Weird in the Air

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