Everybody or Everyone

'Everybody is more important in this house than I am.' 

If you ever hear yourself thinking this (as I did just now) or if you ever feel this way...

Is it.. perhaps; just maybe, because it is how and what we taught others to think and behave towards us....   Ugh.

I don't want it to be so and, yet, it is...   for me, anyway.

I taught 'them' that I was the mom and the wife and I would sacrifice my happiness, health, spirit, things I love, over your happiness, health, spirit, things that you love because I love you that much.  You are this important to me...

And, then, one day, I wake up and realize that who I was and who I am are one in the same, but different. 

Do I think my family would want me to feel lesser than, weaker than, less happy than...  No.  Definitely not. 

And, if I had someone doing that for me...  I would let them...  It feels good.  On the surface at least.

But, after a while; perhaps, a long while, deep down we don't feel comfortable, settled, whole.  We can even feel hurt or sad.  Everyone involved can come to this conclusion. 

Because when one doesn't live, support and put themselves in a state of wholeness, one truly cannot offer anyone else what one doesn't have...  it is living under a false 'sharing' because eventually, we do want, need, have to have.. more -- our whole self that comes from deep within; an inner knowing of who we are and want/need to be. 

So, as I just heard myself saying that everybody is more important in this house than I.... I would like to ixnay that out and change it to 'Everyone in this house is just as important as the other'.  Together, we will support each other to be and live the best of ourselves...    YAY!  This feels so much better than the first sentence I found myself saying and feeling....

I walk on...

May you ixnay out anything you hear or feel yourself saying that doesn't sound or feel good.  May you change it up to what really rocks your world in the happiest, fullest of ways.

Yes, you are this powerful and connected to abundant, undying love.  Just maybe, this is where we come from and this is what we go back to.  I say, let's stay connected to it purposefully, throughout our human experience; as best we can.  You are this important. 

                                                              Unknown

The Possibility of You

Our lives are full just now.  Full of things to do; places to be; people to see. 

We have easy access to just about everything; way more then we ever did before.

New information is bombarding us constantly.

May you do all that you know how to do just now; and may you let it be enough. 

May you also give yourself permission to change direction anytime you choose. 

Let your truth flow through you, with ease and love, open to whatever life may be showing you.

I Sit.... still.

It is late morning and I am moving slow.  It is a rainy, stormy (tornado warning) kind of morning.  I do not remember another winter in Florida, USA that has been like this -- very little sun, lots of rain, tornado warnings and just not the sunny days that Florida is known for.  And, it is warm.  And, I'm liking it.  It goes with what I feel inside.  The unsettledness of myself.  It connects me to myself in a way that I am more easily 'allowing myself to chill, be, and know stillness.

I went, yet, to another doctor yesterday just to be heard and to see and learn from their viewpoint and, perhaps, make a clearer decision or decisions for myself going forward. 

She suggested more drugs.   I know that this is what the doctors are taught to do.  Many of them anyway. 

I realized that I go to doctors, pain management centers and more doctors saying the same thing.  Fix me, give me drugs But also with the attitude give me little and I don't like being on them and give them to me while I am weaning.  Yikes.  

I don't quite say this exactly, but this is exactly what is going on in my mind, body and 'inner knowing'.   How can one win this way...   I want the drugs but I do not...   How can anyone help me here!  double yikes!  (Perhaps, this is one reason why I've been having so many issues with same.)

I am telling myself to be on the drugs that do take pain away and maybe work with my circulation.  Continue on these drugs while continuing to do 'the work' that digs deep within my psyche, my being, my issues and my awesomeness. 

It is all I know to do just now.

May you do all that you know how to do just now; and may you let it be perfectly enough.  Like Oprah says that Maya Angelou said - "When you know better, you do better."

My next step is to go to yet another psychiatrist to just see what they have to offer and to share my journey with them (and see what more I can find about about myself and my journey). 

Perhaps, one day, I will be brave and ready to share my journey and not have to pay to do so.  To maybe, in fact, receive compensation of human money to do so. 

To be my true professional self again and do what I love to do.  Support others; Support our world; to help support our world to be a more wonderful, loving, and mostly peaceful place to wake up to every morning and allow us all to 'flow' better with this thing called life.

Oh, just typing this, thinking this, believing in this and being this (as I am today) allows me to take a deeper and more peaceful breath...

May you find yourself taking deeper and more peaceful breaths.  Ahhhhhh.

Winter

The winter is upon us here on the east and mid-coasts of the United States.  Snow accumulation of greater than one foot is expected up north.  Here, in the south, temperatures dropping and record breaking cold is expected.  Lots of rain and chance of severe thunderstorms are upon us now. 

My body feels it.  Even as the temperatures do not get down into the freezing zone, they are 40-50 degrees cooler than what my body has been used to (living in). 

I must say OUCH....  OUCH.   Ugh

I feel the tightening of my musles, my joints and my skin.  I feel the pulling in (contraction) because my body feels it needs to go into protection mode.  I am telling it otherwise.  All I can do is see if it responds (listens). 

I am very uncomfortable.  I can't seem to focus very long.  I have the feeling of wanting to run away from myself.  It is like whatever it is that is inhabiting this body (spirit, mind, me), wishes not to accept this body's current fate.  Yes, even after all these years. 

And, this is the only body we get for this lifetime.  It is me.  It is mine.  It struggles from time to time.  I feel it just wants warmth.  So, I will choose to give it warmth to the best of my ability. 

I love watching the storm from within my home.  The way the rain kisses the leaves on the bamboo.  The way the palm fronds dance with the wind.  The raindrops accumulating and dripping down and off of the plants; and popping up as they bounce on the pool water. 

I met with a new doctor yesterday from the same organization for pain management.  She heard me.  She listened.  She knew scleroderma and understood. !!   She let me speak everything that I so needed to share and communicate.  I truly felt like I was talking to God as she shared her professional expertise along with her human compassion.  I came home feeling heard, cared for, and like someone from the medical world has my back.  I had glitches with two pharmacies.  But, on the third one -- I won here too.  She welcomed me to her pharmacy.  She told me that she will work with me, easily, on all upcoming prescriptions.  I found my way for now... or so I thought.  Then I realized that while, the doctor and I, talked about two different milligrams of a drug, she ended up giving me the strongest one.  It may be too strong.  (Boy, am I a whiner or what?!?)  I wanted the lesser one because I don't want to have to go through weaning from a stronger dependency.  And, I am deciding, for just this month, try it and see how it plays out.  Be happy that I am not scared, frightened or uncomfortable about present and/or future pain and I am blessed, that today, while uncomfortable, I am not in unbearable pain; pain that takes all of my attention and leaves me depleted.

I choose to let go of everything and just be... not even with what is...  but, just be.  All is well.  All is good.  All is taking care of.  ...in this moment. 

I know gratitude.  I know peace in the chaos.  I am peace in the chaos.  I am peace in the storm.

May you be peace in the storm; as often as possible.  May you choose you and your peace...

Talk

I sit at my computer to pass time.  I begin to type not knowing where I am going to go here.  I have no thoughts, words, ideas, concepts or sentences in my mind.

I sit here.  It is dark outside the window.  I see the fountain, highlighted by the spotlight, flowing up and happily dancing over the sides of the pebbled fountain.

It is quite cool here in Florida, USA.  It was 59 deg. F today.  The sun was shining and it was beautiful to breathe in the cool air.  It felt happy and alive.  I chose not to stay in it too long as the longer I stayed, the more it challenged my health. 

I am now in the house; with the heat set at 70 deg. F.  It is toasty and comfortable.  The music from the television blares softly with country pop music.  My dogs lay quietly around as they had their walk and were fed.  My cat keeps jumping up on my lap to be petted.  She purrs.

Life is good.  The simple things in life are so satisfying if we let them be.  There is satisfaction to be found everywhere.  Perhaps, all we need to do is be aware and notice. 

I notice from time to time when I am cranky and miserable, the world seems cranky and miserable. When I am happy and upbeat, the world seems happy and upbeat.  Not always.  But a lot.

May you notice that what you put out from inside of yourself, out into our world, matters.  Others feel it.  Others experience it.  'It' and you do matter.  You matter greatly.

May you notice.  May you know.  May you choose the best side of yourself as often as possible.


And this is that.  This is where I ended up.  I'll go with it.  I like it.  Feels good.  Feels right.  Feels hopeful.

Feel on.  Let your feelings guide you to your best self by allowing, being aware and deciding what your best answer or feeling is in this moment.  Yes, You are this powerful.

Powerful on!

Hoot.

Cheers to the human part of us 'waking up' to its best side.

Balance

I am learning that balance always finds its way into our lives.  While balance on a day to day basis cannot always be achieved, I do think it finds its way into our lives - especially the big picture of our lives.

I used to drive 800 miles per week, now I don't even drive 80.  I used to travel back and forth from Pennsylvania to Florida on a regular basis.  I used to take trips to awesome islands.  I have flown two times in the past three years.  I used to have fingers that were so sore and full of ulcers that I had to live with my sister to take care of me.  I currently have 0 ulcers and I (mostly, ha) can take care of myself. 

Balance.  In the overall picture of our lives, balance happens naturally.  We know darkness; we know joy.  We know challenge; we know ease.  We know pain; we know beauty. 

We, as humans, are here to experience it all.  Journey through, in, and on. 

May you notice the balance in your life either from day to day or in your life's entirety, thus far.

May you know and believe that a fulfilling balance finds its way into your life.

If you are on an upswing, may you enjoy every breath and know gratitude for same.

If you are, perhaps, down and out, may you believe that this too shall pass and you will know the opposite of what you are feeling and experiencing now.  

Life, perhaps, is about its entire journey.

May you journey [through today] in whatever manner gives you the most fulfillment from peace within. 

                                                     Unknown

Set Free

..."'I need to be listened to...and heard'....... Again, the waiting, and the encouraging smile.  Suddenly, she knew she could say it all.  All of it.  All the needing and the wanting, the longings she had kept in for so long:  'I need to say what I'm feeling ....I need to be allowed to feel what I feel ....I need to not feel guilty.....or ashamed......or bad.  I need to know I'm okay .  Just as I am . To love me !'  The words starting to tumble out now.  'I need to laugh out loud...to be noisy...to enjoy myself...to say yes...to say no...To choose.'"

..."'My child, you have always needed to do those things.  They were always yours.  To experience them was the reason you came.  But you had forgotten, and now you have remembered.  When we fall into a place of forgetting, we forget our joy, our power, our magnificence, our freedom.  And in its place, we learn shame.  You have learned to feel ashamed for being you, my child.  You must forgive yourself.'" 

From the book "Dancers Amongst The Stars:  The wonder, the beauty and the magic of who we really are, seen through the eyes of an awakening woman, who happens to have a therapist in her pocket" by Janny Juddly The Therapist in my Pocket

May you give yourself permission to feel what you feel and follow through...  May you set yourself free!

                                                     DoctorASKY.com

Where I'm At (with great resistance)

I wake up thinking 'doctor'.   I live throughout the day thinking 'doctor'.  

I think I need a doctor that I can 'run to' in case of flare-up, emergency, and/or pains.  I feel I do not have one.  I truly didn't know how my relationship with the/my Rheumatologist of over 30 years was like a backbone for me to be able to live the fullest life I was able to live.

Not having this, I am most stagnant.   I am choosing to be.  I am creating this with this belief.  I believe this AND I must be doing so because of certain circumstances, trials and situations that I have felt, lived through and survived (thus far).

I want a doctor that I can call and go to if I need medical help.  One that will listen to me and meet me where I am at. 

This thought and not having it is making my pressure go up; I am gaining weight.  [Some say that body fat is a way of protecting one's self from external sources (putting up a barrier so to speak).]

My body is tense.  My mind is repeating itself and stuck on the fear of not having a doctor's help.  Not a place that I find pleasant!.!  (Berating doctors, even, saying there is no reason to feel as I feel.)  God bless them.  I send them love.  I truly don't think they do this on purpose.  It is what they know and were taught.  It is their own fear, perhaps. 

My mind seems to go from this thinking/feeling of grief and desperation to silence and the unknown path. 

Last night I let this go.  Last night I counted my breaths.  I allowed my body to relax.  I asked for help from anything/anyone.  I named my guardian angel.  I now call her Diamond Star.  I prayed.  I asked for God to put a person or persons in my life that would help me to bring the full me into play.  The me without pain.  The me without worry or concern of medical help.  The me that has so much to share and offer our world because of my own experiences of pain and discomfort and the search to alleviate same.  Someone who would be helpful to me (to open doors for me) to share my love and knowledge of the human spirit to anyone who would benefit. 

I am open to move past this pain and hardship and live in the sharing of spirit and love.

All any of us can do is what we can do.  All any of can be is what is inside of us to be.  This is enough.  This is more than enough.  This uniqueness within each of us is what we are here to share, create outside of ourselves, and build a world that we all enjoy living in. 

Oh, the easy breathing I wish for us all...  !

I am honored to have this in many of my relationships and my heart.  I think it could be so much easier and smoother if the majority of us were willing to choose peace, love, compassion, empathy and support of same for ourselves and for each other.

I am so 'game'. 

My wish is that you can connect to this same 'game of life' within you.  I know it is there. 

It is okay to be vulnerable by being loving, kind, and caring because it is who You are and for no other reason than it feels darn good within you to be so.  As you love yourself on, through and in, external noise matters less. 

May we all connect to the best part of ourselves to the best of our ability.  On days we cannot support this, may we choose to not damage and/or be hurtful to ourselves and to one another...  Amen.

May you live the beautiful life that is inside of you to live.   Whatever you 'dream' or conjure up that feels good and expanding on and in you... this is the beautiful life that is inside of you to live.

                                                             Unknown

  

Silence

I have been experiencing silence within these past several days.  No words show up for me.  No words flow through me.  I am experiencing 'just being' with what is.  Not labeling or judging (as much as possible), just being with and feeling what is. 

While I can easily bemoan myself and challenge myself to find words, I am doing my best to not go there.  "There' is where silence is overpowered and suffocated.  What feels best is to honor my 'no word predicament' and believe that it is present for a reason.  My silence that comes from deep within is something that I need and/or my body and mind wants.  So I honor this as best I can.

Sometimes, we can hear the most in the silence.  Sometimes, it is just silent.  Sometimes, it is uncomfortable.  Sometimes, it is best.  Sometimes, there is life transition going on within and, perhaps, even without and silent is all we can be to allow and process through.

When there are no answers easily present, silence may be an answer.  When we are overwhelmed or uncertain, silence can bring peace. 

May you hear the sound of silence within you.

May you allow and feel the silence of you.

 

Thank You

I'd like to welcome and thank the following countries for being present here with me...

United States

Portugal

Germany

Russia

Australia

France

Kenya


Namaste' and Wishing You the Best of Your Self.

                                                    Unknown

We Walk; Individually, Together

This living is for all that are alive.  We are all born.  We all live.  We all die.  This is the life process.  There are many miracles and mysteries in this thing we call life.  There are many miracles and mysteries in each of our lives.

Many of us are a bit discombobulated and/or in conundrums in our day to day lives.  With the internet, the easy connection to almost everyone in our world, we are all experiencing, being open to, being challenged and being blessed with many more connections that many of us thought even possible.  So much has become possible.  Tracking, tracing, knowing and connecting is at an all-time high.

These things, in and of themselves, are miraculous and mysterious.  Ignoring certain things is no longer possible.  Experiencing things that were not even on our lists to experience are front and center.  Connecting to each other's pains and tribulations are louder than ever. 

Finding calm and balance are not always easy.  I have to believe it is always possible.  What we tell ourselves is what we believe is our truth.  These thoughts in our minds is what our bodies respond to.  The experience of our thoughts is very individual.  Yet, in being together, these experiences intertwine and either grow on or sizzle out.

May you take extra care of your thoughts.  May you think things that ignite the best of you.  May you think things that empower your kindness, your positivity.  May you choose not to stay thinking things that bring you down or dis-empower you.  You are the individual puppet master of your self.  You can deny or embrace anything that you wish. 

As we all learn this great power and build it up and into it, we are kinder, gentler, more loving and caring because we want to be; we choose to be. 

How we were treated, while it does matter, it doesn't have to affect us negatively.  We can choose to see it as a lesson and, perhaps, even a gift - especially if we see, believe in and allow our own greatness to shine no matter what else is going on. 

Individually, together we can grow into the best world we have ever created and lived from.  Perhaps, we are all here at this time to do just that.  We can no longer ignore, tolerate or live from a place that doesn't connect us to the beautiful source of who we are.  Some of us have had it so hard, so ugly, so hurtful that it is all we know just now, especially exteriorly.  I'm praying that deep down, the everlasting light that underneath it all (or is it above it all) is still able and ready for us to connect to it and live from this sacred place that is within each and everyone of us.  Everybody, - everybody has one person that connects to this place within us.  There is one person that loves us and knows our good. 

Many are lucky to have many that love us and knows our good.  It is this 'good' that I'd like to offer is YOU.  I'd like to offer for you to grow this good.  Live this good.  Practice this good.  Connect to and share this good. 

This good is what will create our world into one that has never been seen or lived before.  Together, individually, we can shine the good on our universe and experience life from only this place... At least, more often than we have ever seen or experienced it before.    This has always been one of my greatest wishes.  I now connect to many people who wish the same.  Living happily together is possible..  Perhaps, it all starts at believing.

What I Am.. Realizing

As I go about my morning, I see myself not being able to think clearly.  Not easily finding the words to match what I want to share with the outside world.

And, then, I realize that I have not had a truly 'at home' comfortable day in a very long time--in the external, human world.  Probably way before I started the journey to move my life from north to south.  (I love the word 'south' for some reason --  go south as much as possible.  To me, south means paradise, ease, warm weather and palm trees.  And, beautiful blue ocean waters.

'South' meant escape to me.  To escape from the cold, barren days to days of ever-blooming life.  This thought ignited my soul.

And, here I finally am and I find myself disabled.  My lack of ability to maneuver easily through the streets of paradise.  To settle into a whole new world without the one I leave behind from up north.  I always had the best of both worlds (for a long while anyway). 

Just now I have the difficulty (for me) of letting go of my abode up north and creating same, if not better, here.

I've shared my doctor and drug dilemma.  My home is not built around my comfort like my home up north was.  There are many knobs I cannot easily turn.  There isn't something beautiful I chose everywhere I look.  In fact, there are some things I look at that I downright find discomforting.  I miss my koi fish pond and my saltwater tank.

At one time, I had four fairly lovely homes.  I have now downsized to just one; the least favorite of all the homes I have ever chosen to live. 

I am constantly shopping in new grocery stores, working with new doctors, going to new pharmacies and traveling new roads.  I am way out of my comfort zone.  To find a light switch has become an exploration in itself. 

Perhaps, as I have been exploring inward for so long, it is now time to explore externally.  All this exploring, while it permits me to grow into the best of myself, is also very disconcerting.  Luckily, I do love me an adventure.  However, my ability to maneuver has diminished greatly because my maneuvering 'button' has become too worn; too used; burned out.  Or is it that I've been on an inner journey for so long that the maneuvering button has become rusty.  (I'm not sure - I am sure I do not find 'just doing it' easy right now.) 

So, as I see me not able to work on auto pilot and take a long time to create my ability to speak, get things done and easily remember where I am, I realize that nothing is wrong with me.  It is, perhaps, just me living in such upheaval and turmoil for too long.  My body, mind, and soul needs to feel stable, safe and comfortable.  I am the only one that can create this for myself.  I can create this for myself.

The realization that I'd like to share is that whatever is going on in your life, perhaps, it is only from you living in, around and through what you are living in, around and through.  Most likely, nothing is wrong with you.  You are only reacting/responding to your external circumstances. 

Who you are today is a direct (or maybe indirect) reaction/response to what you have been experiencing.  Perhaps, we get a little off when we are a little off.  We get a bit uneasy when we are not allowing life to be easy.  We experience dis-ease when we live from an untruth or in discomfort or 'on' for too long. 

May you not judge where you are but love yourself where you are and feel your way, lovingly, in, around and through what life is showing to you now. 

You can create stability, safety and comfort for yourself.  May you choose to do so; as often as possible and as fulfilling as you are able.  If you have stability, safety and comfort just now - savor it...  Oh, so savor it! 

Where I'm At

It is the first day of work for my husband after a 15 day holiday.  It was lovely not watching the clock; losing track of the day and just being with my family during the Christmas and New Year holidays. 

We brought the new year in splendidly and we were up til 1:30 a.m. on New Year's Eve.  It is really enjoyable having a grown up child that can share life not just as a parent/child relationship but also as an adult/adult relationship.  Very fun and interesting indeed.  We are still learning and becoming our adult relationship and enjoying it way more than not. 

My health is always an underlying issue in every breath I take.  I do wish it was not and, at times, I am grateful for the positive it has brought into my life. 

I am still in the middle of doctors, pharmacies and drugs being administered and understood.  There is unrest in the doctor's office, the pharmacy and definitely within myself as the patient.  Last time I tried to fill my prescription for pain medicine, it was from a Tuesday to a Tuesday and the pharmacy ended up giving the prescription back to me as they would not fill it because they could not get a doctor to call in to confirm script; it was two days early to drop off; and their machine was down...  Yes, my head spins with these answers, these connections (or lack thereof) and this process.  My body aches with the stress, pressure, fear and truth of unease and pain. 

All I know is to walk through and be true, loving and open to the best of my ability.  I have a call in to my doctor up north that, perhaps, he can help with a doctor here in the south. 

So many times, I am told, I 'shouldn't feel pain'. 

It is a very interesting place to find myself.  I walk on knowing that I will walk through this like I've walked through all of my life.  This journey is me living.  This journey is part of my life.  This journey has many sides, impacts, unease but also ease, greatness and love. 

Our human journey is complex.  Yet, as I bring this humanness into 'what is' as I know it, feel it, see it and experience it - I know fulfillment.

I do not know many answers.  I don't even know a lot of the questions.  I am learning and standing stronger and stronger in what I feel and experience.  This is my uniqueness.  This is my life.  This is my life experience.  I believe in it.  I believe in me.

May you stand strong in what you feel and experience.  May you allow your uniqueness.  May you allow your life.  May you allow your life experience.  May you believe in it.  May you believe in you.

Fulfillment on, through and in the journey of YOU.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year 2016!   Hard to believe as it seems like yesterday that 1999 seemed so far away!  Life is really a mystery in many ways.

My family was home the entire holiday and I am feeling blessed.  It was not always 100% smooth and it was more smooth than not.  Very little unrest.   We all brought our best self to the holidays.  How grateful I am.  Best gift a mom and wife could ask for.!.  The woman in me dances with a feeling of success.  She also yearns for the freedom that this can bring about within myself. 

I'd like to offer to bring your best self into 2016.  Bring the self that you are from within.  The self that you want to be.  The self that makes you most content, happy, loving and fulfilled.

2016 - the numbers add up to 9!  This excites me as 9 can mean completion.  It can mean that we are complete or have completed many things; we will honor and know complete-ness.  New beginnings can and are possible.

What are you willing to let go of (that no longer serves you)...  What would you like to add to your daily thinking and/or doing on an everyday basis...  What direction will you allow your dreams to take you...  What is your body needing attention to...  Are you willing to listen to the soft, quiet voice within you wishing and waiting to be heard and attended to...

These questions we can always ask ourselves.  It is okay to not have all the answers.  It is okay to not want to ask questions of self.  It is okay wherever you are and whatever you are feeling.  It is okay.  It is you. 

May you love yourself through.  Wherever you are, may you 'be' there with you...