Holy Moly

I have been doing some deep (I mean deep (look out!)) soul searching and connection more than ever to my inner child and where I am stuck as an adult and as me.

Whoa....

I've been to four different practitioners in the last two weeks for an accumulation of 7 hours of intense searching.

Whoo hoo.   Party up in here!.!?.!

They each have their own labels behind their name.  They each stayed with me (at my emotional and information seeking 'pieces' of myself) and helped me with my continued, uninterrupted journey. 

My journey into myself; into just being me; and my goal of living in peace amongst the chaos.

I believe I am continuously finding, developing and growing in the secret of this - the secret of this for me.  There are many ways [I am thinking] to get to peace and the innermost depth of ourselves.  This, apparently, is my way. 

I threw a small and quiet tantrum on the massage table.  I had to excuse myself from a therapy session so I could release anger in a loving way.  I spoke of my truth and feelings the best that I could.  I connected to Little Me in a way to thank her for her creativeness and her standing up for us at such a young age.  I assured her that I am here now and that I can and will speak and share what we feel and know from the inside out.  I have her with me for life and I am her protector and guardian.  

I felt her face blend with my face and I practiced speaking my (our) easy truth that I have found hard to speak.  I spoke from new lips; whole lips.  

I felt my throat chakra tighten and constrict.  I felt it loosen and let go.   I pushed through the fear of speaking what I want and knowing that - in and from my heart - ...

  anything that I can and do conjure up, think about, connect to or feel is mine to own and mine to allow.

I deserve to have my needs met.  I deserve to have needs.  I stand strong in my needs.  I am allowed to not feel pain.  I am allowed to be happy when others are not.  I am allowed to do, feel, be, act, just as it comes up for me to do so. 

I don't need to say this for me as I am blessed to live it to my greatest ability...  However, I feel the need here to say as long as it is loving, kind, no harm done to myself or outside of myself...  I am allowed.

May you know that you are allowed to have your needs met.  May you know that you deserve to have needs.  May you stand strong in your needs.  May you know that you are allowed to not feel pain.  May you know that you are allowed to be happy even when others around you are not.  You are allowed to do, feel, be, act whatever comes up for you from the inside out.

As long as it is kind, loving, no harm done to yourself or others... You are allowed.

Get that Allowing Yourself Freedom to Live from a place of Joy and Harmony On...

Energy - You

When I see people, I feel their energy. 

When I saw this picture, I thought this is what people look like to me.

I can, mostly, see below (or is it above) the human 'mess' that we all can experience. 

Before or after we experience being a human 'mess'... this is what we are..

Even during being a human 'mess', this is what we are.

Really, and perhaps, it is not a human 'mess' -- it is only being human.  We are learning, growing, walking the unknown.  This, just maybe, is exactly what we are supposed to be doing and experiencing. 

Deep in our inner knowing, our breath and our being here on this earth, there is this...   for me.

I believe it is there for you too.  We only have to want it and choose it.

Shine on through and from all of your colors.  Live from the knowing of what makes you you.  You are a gift.  You are here to do, be, live and breathe just as only you can.  This is the only thing needed from you. 

You are a miracle. 

May you get your You on..  !!

                                                  Picture Unknown

Perhaps, ... Allow

There is still continued and much change in the air as we experience our Spring Equinox Full Moon.  I surely hope you get to/got to see it and connect to it in whatever way feels pleasant to you.

It is possible that some things inside of you are 'bubbling up' (feelings, thoughts, dreams) and need attention.  It is possible that the attention just may have to come without making sense of what is happening or why you feel what you feel.

May I offer to give yourself permission to allow it, feel it, process it and move through whatever it is your are experiencing/feeling just now.

Allow what is inside of you to come up and out into the light through what you are and what you know.  No need to put words to it, perhaps.   Just feel.

There is 'stuff' so deeply embedded within our own stories.  This 'stuff' may be showing itself to you.  It may be ready to come up and show itself.  You may be ready to let it.

I feel I am learning and allowing self-validation.  I got this phrase of 'self-validation' from seeing a beautiful red cardinal sitting on my fence outback and looking at me. 

I went to the book "Animal Speak" by Ted Andrews and looked up 'cardinal'.  It tells us that the cardinal may be reminding us that it could be time to "renew our vitality" and to accept a "new sense of our own true self-importance".  It speaks of "listening to the inner voice (the feminine) more closely for our own health and well-being".

May you self validate what you feel, what you believe, what you know and what you are.   Self validate from a place of truth, kindness, strength and allowance.

As we believe and allow ourselves that we are whole, fear subsides and we find our self living on our best possible path in each situation.

Perhaps, this is fulfillment.

Perhaps, allow yourself to be fulfilled.   May you have the courage to allow your courage to set you free.

May you escape into your whole and true self through your courageous heart creating the fulfillment of yourself and your life. 

                                                  Picture Unknown

Go On

It is a beautiful, bright blue sky kind of day.  The sun feels so good and warm on my skin.  There is an energy about it that soothes and lifts.

I'm still dealing with nonsensical things when it comes to medicine for scleroderma and pain.  Math tells me one answer, the insurance tells me a different answer.  Math doesn't seem to matter here in this case of days of medicine scripted and days the computer has scripted that insurance will easily pay for.  As I find myself offered a drug that is not made for scleroderma, insurance doesn't want to pay.  I do understand it is an uncertainty if this drug will work for me.  And, I've been on many of these in my lifetime.

And  so  I  go  on.

It is all I can do.  Bring my true self to the situation and [lovingly] stand in my [firm] truth.  See where it takes me.

I will be okay until I am not...  if the 'not' part ever happens.  I want to believe, love, and be open to ease.  It just feels best inside of me and for me.

And  so  I  go  on.

May you go on.  Go  on  as your true inner self allows and feels best.  My wish for you.

Thank YOU

Thank YOU for connecting...

I am honored and grateful.

Russia

United States

Germany

Portugal

New Zealand

France

Romania

Syria

Poland

China

Turkey

We are all connected. 

One big group hug!

I am honored for you to be a part of the group hug; if it feels right to you...

May we all give our own self a hug today and thank ourselves for doing our very best as we live our own lives individually; together. 

YOU MATTER.  I CARE.

                                                   Unknown

Space

I have been doing my best to give myself 'space' to create and offer myself what it is I think my body is asking for.  With the time change (we moved our clocks ahead one hour this past weekend).  Something ignited within me to get me off-kilter; off-centered.

I awoke at 2 a.m. and felt certain it was already 6 a.m.  I stayed up for 2-1/2 hours reading and then fell back asleep. 

My little Tiffany dog woke me up to go outside and eat around 9 am.  Before I knew it, just a few minutes later, I found myself back in bed and there until 2 p.m.  Yikes! 

I woke up thinking - 'don't let anything warm my chill'...   lol     I am in 'chillin' mode.  It feels wonderful to just do something because it is the only thing I want to do.  Man, the power in this!  (and for me to want to be 'chill' and not 'warm' is a miracle in itself)

So, on 'Facebook' this morning, I posted this...

May you find the 'space' that fulfills and uplifts you. May you easily give yourself what you need/want. Give yourself the kindness that you desire in your life. As we are content, we more easily share contentment with others. How cool is this!

May you not let anything warm your chill when you have it...  Ha!  May you get your contentment on!

                                                   Photo by Janet

Fire

As you are your inner self out in your world, you ignite the fire within to flame without. 

When you give yourself permission to breathe, know, be, and share who you are from the deepest part of yourself, you give others permission and you, just maybe, empower the world to be its best.

Everything we need for this life that we are living, we already have inside of us; to connect us and walk us through our whole lifetime.

....

I have nothing really to offer here.  I'm just trying and/or forcing myself to come up with something because I want the connection.  I want to share.  I want to feel like I am giving and feel productive and worthy.  So, I start with what is on my mind.  And, I feel myself somewhat pushing out words instead of allowing them to just flow.

This is new to me just now.  Having silence in sharing is new.  Having silence because I really don't have anything to say or share is interesting.

I let myself sit in this silence.  This feels so much easier than 'pushing' out words. 

May you choose the easy side of living you as often as possible.  It just may create the best of you; the truth of you; and the awesomeness of you...

YOU and our world is worth it to try...  Give yourself permission to let your life be easy; to look at your life as being easy.

See where you go with it.  See how it feels.

May you give yourself permission to just be you; easily.

                                                          Unknown

Stomach

As I sit here almost forcing myself to type, I feel uncomfortable in my stomach.  What is it that I am having a hard time 'stomaching'...

I want a life of ease.  I want a life of joy.  I want a life of communication and truth.  I want fun, laughter, and love.

And, as I'm typing this, I realize that I do have all these things.  Definitely not constant.  Maybe not always daily, but I do have all of these things in my life. 

Can this be enough for me.  Will I allow 'what is' - what I do have, to be enough.   Perhaps, this is the peace that I can connect to to bring me peace...

I have not allowed myself to connect to peace.  I have struggled internally with my new habitat and creating my new life.  It is huge to change everything up.  Huge. 

Sure, it is exciting and doable.  It is also challenging and uncomfortable. 

All new connections, all new way of life, all new locations, all new sources, all new vibes... All new.

What a great time to really create the life that is inside of me out.

Instead, I have chosen to focus more on the difficult, the unease, the challenge.  Darnit.  It is I who has this choice. 

At times, it surely doesn't feel like a choice.  And, my head knows it is.  My heart questions and my being discovers. 

I really want to say how easy and vibrant my life has become because I finally live year round where I've mostly always wanted to live.

And, truth is not this.  Truth is I'm having a hard time with it.   I lost sense of self some.  I lost identity of self. 

I am open to seeing where I take this.  I am open to taking it easier, more thrilling, more in believing that I can. 

I am closer to having the answers on the flow of this new life.  And, really, I believe that flow is always happening and the very best I can do is trust the process of life, trust myself to know how to handle it, come from my truth and send love instead of worry. 

I will work on doing this each and every time; each and every situation.

May you flow with the process of your life, trusting in it and trusting in yourself to know and do what you need to know and do.  May you speak your truth and come from love and not worry -- as much as it feels right to you.

Flow on. 

Breathe

It is a sun-shiny kind of morning with blue skies and white clouds.  The breeze is a bit more than usual and there is a coolness about it.  The trees and plants grow up towards the sun.  The lakes and fountains shimmer in the sunlight.

I have found it not easy to come here to visit.  I'm not 'chomping at the bit' to write about me.  I, perhaps, am not in a big hurry to claim what is my current life; especially as it is my ongoing life.  True acceptance has not happened for me where scleroderma is concerned.  Something inside of me still believes and 'talks' to me about being able to heal; to let go of this dis-ease; to live without pain.   

And, yet, it is still present.  I have a sore on my thumb that when I hit it or try to use it, I feel like it sends me to the moon and back.  Ouch.

My body again aches and I know unrest.

I feel myself still struggling with the doctors, pharmacists and insurance.  I ask myself when will the madness end.  I also hear myself saying that it is impossible to make sense out of nonsense.

So, I walk through it as best as I can.  I make the calls, do the appointments, talk to the people that are connected to me in this way.  I walk through.

I went to a cranial sacral session yesterday and found myself realizing that, perhaps, it is still my little girl - the one that believes she needs to be quiet and not needy so people won't leave her or get angry.  She is still present in my life.  I'm still letting her beliefs run 'our' life from time to time.   I may just write her a letter today. 


I ask..   How many layers to one's 'onion' is there!!!!...!!!   I suppose we live these layers until we stop living.  We experience things throughout all of our human life.  We grow continuously (or sometimes find ourselves stuck) until the end. 

This is life.  This is living. 

Sure, there are many beautiful and fun things to do and experience and we can choose to do these as well.  A balance on the side of Fun would be, perhaps, where it is at.  Some would say fun, some would say productive, some would say art, some would say animals, some would say business...  whatever it is for you

I wish you this. 

If you find yourself uncomfortable or challenged, perhaps, ask yourself what is my goal in the current moment and focus on this; achieving this.  This seems to calm me and help me along.  Stay present and realize your goal in the moment. 

Breathe. 

May you breathe.

                                                    Unknown

Process of Life

My old roommate and high school friend is coming to visit me this weekend!  Yay!  It is amazing how this person that I was is still inside of me.  I can feel her.  I can connect to her.  The power of it is beautiful. 

I am different, and I am the same.

I remember when I was personal training full time - all the time - and I had an old(ish) couple - 87 years old; both of them.  I remember at one point they danced together on their living room floor for me.  They were slower, creakier (perhaps), and the joy on their faces and in their hearts just filled the room.  It was priceless.  They were the young couple who went out dancing on a regular basis for just those few moments again.  I will always be grateful for that experience.

So, here comes another experience for me.  To connect to who I was to who I am and just the experience of this with my 40 year faithful and beautiful relationship with this extraordinary woman.  Yay!

Come on down my friend.  Let's dance and play in the sun in whatever manner works for us today, as we are.

We love on and through.  We live on and through.  We are always and forever.

May you love on and through.  Live on and through.  Be U always and forever. 

Perhaps, this is the process of life.  May you trust it.  

Flow

Today there are many changes in our day-to-day lives. 

From credit card chips; to wearing a bracelet that tells us our heart rate and how many steps we take daily and sends this information to our phone; to telephone numbers showing up on our TV screens when we receive home calls; to airplane travel where it is a much longer process and passports are needed and used for many flights; to the many choices and options that we have on any particular product.  Change is everywhere.  Information is right at our finger tips. 

We are not living in a stable, no change environment.  We are living in constant change.  It feels this way to me anyway. 

We are changing on the inside as well.  Being more aware of our own actions and taking responsibility for our thoughts and connections, we are realizing how much our thoughts and actions create our lives.  More and more of us are challenged and ready to take on this challenge.

Perhaps, we have all 'contracted' to be here at this time, together, to create a new and better way of enjoying this thing called life.

I know that I am 'game'.  !  With so many elements, I am finding it best to just go with the flow and bring my true self to each situation that arises. 

May you flow with the elements of your own individual life. May you honor your life. May you bring your calm, true, and innate self into every situation that you find yourself in; to the best of your ability. This is the beauty, the power and the peace you can choose to be; and to have.

                                                     Unknown

Loong Time

I hope this post finds you well.  I hope this post finds you filled with yourself.  I hope this post finds you in peace and harmony. 

I hope this post gives you hope.

It has been a very long time since I have posted.  How time can get away from us.  How we can delve so deep into our own lives and others' lives that are right in front of us, that time has no meaning or understanding.  It just is.  We just do.  We just live.  We function and survive as best we can.  We love through it as best we can.  We breathe through it because we were built to do so.  We go onward or stay still.  We learn to bring our selves to each moment as best we can.  Sometimes, we blink and the moment is gone.

This is how it has been for me.  I am still dealing with pharmacists.  As of today, it is an 'insurance' problem to fill a drug.  I am tired.  I am very tired.  I don't have much left in me to deal with doctors, pharmacists and appointments outside of matters of my health; more inside the matters of the law.  I don't find it anywhere near fun.  Quite the opposite, in fact.

I am feeling worse because I'm letting myself be the 'bad' person; the 'wrongdoer' and I'm not liking this feeling.  I do have moments where I stand firmly in my truth, share it, speak it and live it.  Other times, I lose energy and just do not have it in me to tell 'my story' yet again.

I don't know if this is me changing my story.  I know it is not me giving up.  I will walk each day and bring my truest of self to the moment to the best of my ability.  Sometimes, I am awesome.  Sometimes, not so.

I am grateful for the one month that getting my medicine was easy breezy.  It was wonderful.  I told myself I figured it out. 

Then, this month came and I find myself in fear and uncared for.

These are just the things that I tell myself.  I respond to the things I tell myself.  May I start talking better, more supportive things to myself. 

May you say supportive things to yourself more than anything.