Mindful

I want to be mindful today.  When I am here typing, I want to be here completely mindful and present.  When I am cooking, eating, walking, outside, inside, -- for all of it - I want to be mindful and present.

I want my mind to be where my body and spirit are.  Meaning, when I am cooking, I don't want to be thinking about typing or have another person's thoughts present in my mind if they do not pertain to cooking. 

As I sit here, I can let my mind wander on the dogs playing, a contractor outside working, my child at the barn riding horses, my sister at her home painting.  I want to sit here and focus on my words and myself.  There is a time to focus on all those other things.  They are all a part of my life and me. 

However, I do not want them to always be a part of my thinking.  I want to let go and just be mindful of what I am presently doing.

This just may be a bit harder than just wanting this!  Ha. 

Today I will try my best to keep my head where my body is...

Where U are - are U whole and alone?  Is Ur head in the game of what U are doing presently; from moment to moment?  Are there other people/things/subjects present with U even though physically they really are not?  Can U pick and choose what to keep and what to let go of for the time being? 

Mindfulness.  It just might be close to the ability, or lack thereof, of my balancing. 

Times - They are A Changing

Seems like everything, or most everything, in my life is changing dramatically.  What a scary and exciting place to be.

All my relationships are growing/different/more real and true.  The amount of contractors are being monitored and prioritized.  The way I deal with my dogs and animals are more about making me happy.  That sounds terrible in one way and I mean it in a loving, calm and even better for the animals way.  I'm not giving them treats just because I've taught them to ask for them.  I'm trying to teach them not to bark when the doorbell rings and when we go outback to play. 

I hear myself and others much more.  I'm a better listener.  I'm a better speaker of my truth.  I think I was not fully engaged to listen or speak when it was something that I didn't quite understand or believe.  I, at times, blew it off and ignored certain topics because I was uncomfortable, didn't want to deal or believe it, or just didn't understand it.  I try to listen more fully and hear what others, myself included are wanting to say.

This is, hopefully, a really great place to be.  Mostly, however, it feels confusing, trying, scary and frustrating.  I am hoping this will lead me more and more to my 'happy' and to me being me.  AND, opening the door for others to want to and enable themselves to be more and more themselves in their lives.

For us all to create a world that we truly are the people we were born to be.  Connected, loving and loved.

Times are what we make them and how we see them.  Are U making Ur 'times' the best that U can live?

Back Down to 50 degs. F..

Waking up this morning, it's back down in the low 50s.  Very interesting how the weather is fluctuating so very much from day to day.  It wreaks havoc on my body. 

The green everywhere is so prevalent.  Green is a good color for healing.  I hope to breathe it all in and ride on peace for a while.  Riding on peace sounds weird, yet lovely.

May U know peace today.

Walking the Dog

So I walked my 11 year old dog.  I could say we 'moseyed' together.  I was gone for only a bit more than one hour and now I'm done in.

I don't know so much that it was out walking the dog.  I believe it's the neighbors that I run into.  I so enjoy the communication.  They are very lovely, kind, and inspirational to me.  I enjoy talking with them.

Why, then, does it take so much out of me.  Just to share a conversation makes my head dizzy and my body drained.  I must not be doing it correctly for me.  I feel like I could talk to them for hours.  We share very deep 'who we are'.  We all have our stuff and we are all having enjoyment and we are all struggling. 

People are taking their animals to the doctor, themselves to the doctor, themselves to work.  It's crazy I have only about 7 houses around me and, yet, alot of the time I run into my neighbors. 

I feel myself getting stronger.  I feel myself enjoying the banter. 

Is it possible that I'm giving too much of myself away?  Am I being real showing that I care about their lives? 

If I had to guess, I'd say I truly do care and like to share with people.  I need it even.  I do believe that I don't hold back and I don't save any energy for myself though.   Not really sure how I do this and I think there is some truth to this and something that, maybe, I can do differently.  There has to be something going on here that drains me.  Mmmmm.

I truly don't believe it's the walking.  I love that too.  I love being with just my Austrailian Shepherd.  He was my first out of the four and it was him and I for several years.  He is a great dog and listens extremely well and is beautiful and loving.  We love walking together.

It is something with the contact with people.   I need the connection and the connection can drain me.  Again, I am somehow losing me OR is it just the belief of losing me....  This is too deep and crazy even for me.  Ha.

How crazy can one person be?  Ha.  

How do U feel when U walk away from conversing with people?  Do U feel different with some then U do with others?  How many different U(s) do U feel/see today with all the different conversations OR is there only one U; the true U? 

It's a Beautiful Day

I want to thank Mother Nature for giving us, here on the Northeast Coast of the United States, a beautiful, sunny, comfortable, breeze over the skin kind of day!  It's perfect.  So much green everywhere.  Trees and flowers blooming; white petals, pink petals, lime green growth on the trees; beautiful blue sky.  I just want to take it all in and be a part of it.  Alleluia,  it's glorious!  Ha.

My pond fish are swimming around with their colors of gold, white, yellow, black and orange.  They seem to be so happy and satisfied.  When I first feed them, they glide frantically over the water's top and so fast and erratic to get the pellets floating on top.  It's like a bunch of lean, colorful, strong sleek locomotive style movement.  I love it.  I'm so grateful to have them in my back yard.

My Gia dog sits on the rock and watches them.  Cali, my cat, lies on the rock and watches them.  It is certainly a breath of fresh air and extremely enjoyable for me.  The waterfalls are up and running and the sound is so soothing and calming.  The sight of them is energizing and provokes happiness.

I'm pushing myself today.  The health of my body is still messing with me and there is a force here wanting to keep me down.  I'm going to give it my best to not let it.  I am going to acknowledge it and tell it No, not today.  (See how this works!) 

I am still doing my floor work daily and walking my big dog regularly.  So, I do have some movement on my side.  It really makes a huge difference.  I wish I was doing more and I'm glad I'm doing what I can do. 

It's becoming more and more the process, not just the goal, that is the 'living' for me.  So, every step matters.  Every doing counts.  Every moment will never come again and they all add up to my life.

So, today, I'm gently going to be a part of as moments as I can and at the end of today, I'd like to look back and be able to say, I lived my moments in my fullest potential for today.  That's all I want today.

What are U going to do with Ur moments today?  May they not be wasted by us not participating in them. 

I want the totality of me to be together in each moment.  My mind, body, spirit and soul to experience these moments together.  I don't want my head, spirit or soul to be ahead or behind where my body is planted.

Happy Planting!

Madness and Moving On

Some people just say just get on with your life and stop the thinking.  If I knew how to do this or was ready to do this, wouldn't I be doing it?

I am where I need to be exactly at this moment.  We all are.  There  is a reason for everything.  Sometimes, we learn the reason, other times, I believe it's best if we just trust what is.

With all this crazy weather still whirling around almost each and everyone of us - there is great disarray, yet, there is great passion and there is great change possible.

BEing U is where it is at.  Being our authentic self is all we need; all we have and all we are and it is enough.

My hope is that, if we are suppressing our true self, may we just stop doing that!

Where I'm At

Well, I am completely filled up with chocolate cake! ha.

And, I had a talk with my husband this morning and I'm realizing that for the past year and one half I have been accepting, growing and acknowledging my reality constantly.  I think for the first time since I was 17, I am acknowledging and believing that I have this disease called scleroderma.  I've always had it and I've resisted the reality of it.

So, internally I have finally accepted it and don't hide from it and feel it and participate with it.  (UGH)  Anyway, I am realizing that it's now time to go out in my world and live me with scleroderma in all I do.  The disease was always a separate identity from myself.  Now, we are enmeshed and I don't know how to be 'out there' with this total me. 

I am afraid of failure, ridicule, frustration, inability.  AND, it's time for me to get brave and take that first giant step out my front door, so to speak.

I'm slowly working up to doing this.  A great big PUSH is needed here.

Will I do it?  I hope so.  Awareness is first, yes?

Are U ready to accept something U've been burying or just coping with and turn it into, perhaps, a Deal of a lifetime? 

I wish you knowledge, ability, strength and bravery.  I'm betting on the other side is greatness; which could just be another level of Ur life being U more than ever.

Thought I Could Just

I thought I could just wake up and 'feel' it.  Celebrate.  Enjoy. 

Noope.  Not happening.  Yet, anyway. 

I'm doing something that is not working for me.   Or I need to do something that works for me.

Mmmmmm.

Feel something coming on......

Please let something change.

Tired of being on the low down.  Want to be on the out - go.  Meaning, I want to feel like doing things again.  I want to wake up excited and ready to go, move, live.   Instead I wake up and wait and see who is going to need me most and in what manner.

Just not feeling it...yet.

This is hard for me to accept.  Wanting to feel different and NOT.  Doesn't work for me.  I have to change something.  Baby steps.

I have to wake up and Be Me.  Do Me.  Live Me.

Are U being U? 

Entitlement

Today is my actual birthday.  I am giving myself permission to have fun, let loose, let go and enjoy the day.

Can I choose this everyday?  You betcha.  Why don't I then?

Because I see this day differently. 

It's how I'm seeing the day.....   mmmm   again, I find this interesting.

When you awoke this morning, how did you see the day ahead of you?  How's it working for you (like Dr. Phil says)? 

We certainly can choose to see things any which way we want.  Oh, there is power in this somewhere!

My wish is that U choose happily; that U choose to Be U.

I believe this is the simple answer.  Our human brains can make it hard.  Watch an animal, they just go on and let what is; is.  They don't seem to evaluate/worry/live with fraught.  They just go about doing what they do in the present moment.  They are not thinking about a minute before or a minute after.  They are involved in the minute they are involved in - period. 

Let's try to be in this minute and no other.  We can call it the Minute Game!  The one who can achieve more living in each and every minute today - Wins.  If our mind wanders, choose to bring it back to the current minute.  Oh, what FUN we are having now!  Game on!

The Way I See It

I read something tonight that said

If you don't like what you are seeing; ask yourself how you are looking at it.

mmmmmm.   Interesting. 

How does it make U feel to see a certain person or ur life as it is? 

Are U looking at them in the best possible way for U?

Change

"Nothing changes if nothing changes." 
    Anonymous

Celebration

This week I am celebrating my 20th Wedding Anniversary and my 51st Birthday.  Seems like just yesterday I was 20 yrs. old in one manner and in another - wow, I'm getting older.  50 used to seem so far away. 

Apparently, it wasn't so far within my reach as it felt!  I'm older, yes.  I'm wiser, yes.  What do I do with both?  That is still to be determined.  

How exciting and how different this is from first graduating high school.  Then, it felt like the whole world was in front of me and anything was possible for me.  A great 'expansive' feeling I felt. 

This is different.  For some reason, my world seems smaller in one manner.  My energy doesn't want to go 'out there' so much.  In other ways, it still seems that anything is possible.  I feel I can guide my energy with more control and more openness.  Not just feeling the 'world out there', but, perhaps, knowing the 'world out there'.  More scary for me and yet just as exciting if I let it! 

I'm not celebrating with wild abandonment like I did back then.  I sort of want to; I don't know how as easily. 

Seems, once I had a child, I looked at the world differently.  For some reason, I paid more attention to all aspects of life; not just the positive.  I became a protector.  I take this job very seriously.  I wonder if I take it too seriously at times.

Anyway, I am celebrating.  I'm buying flowers.  Taking walks.  Dreaming and loving.  Sharing me.  Being as real as I know how to all I come in contact with.

I'm choosing happy.  Only I can allow my happy.  I believe it is a choice. 

Every morning I wake up, I want to be me and I want to choose happy.

What do U want today? 

Resisting

I've been resisting posting because I didn't want to face what I was feeling head on.  I didn't think I knew how to put it in words.  I didn't think I knew how to convey what I was feeling in an articulate, interesting way.  (I still might not!)

I felt stuck in my muck. 

Again, when I resist going to the doctors.  Alot of the time, the more resistance I feel, the more important it is for me to go.

The more resistance I feel to talk something through, the more important it is talk it through.

The more fearful I feel, the more I need to open the door to it.

"Fear is knocking at the door.  Open the door and nothing is there."

Are U ready to open the door?

The Thought of Something

Why is it that the thought of something is usually worse than the actual something?

Like cleaning out the closet; dreading writing a paper; waiting for a contractor; telling our truth

Sometimes I think and dread for days something I have on my to do list.  I spend hours worrying about same.  When, in acuality, 99 out of 100 times, the act is so much simpler then the thought of doing it. 

When I want to talk to someone about something near and dear to my heart, sometimes I think about it for hours before I have the 'talk'.  The thought is usually so much worse then just doing it.  The doing it becomes the easy part.

What is up with this?

May U not waste Ur precious thinking time with dread/stress/anxiousness and, like Nike always said, Just Do It.

To me, 99 out of 100 times, the thinking is so much worse then the actual time spent doing.  Do it on! (whatever that means)

Stomach

My stomach is fluttering alot today.  What is it that I am not able to 'stomach'?

Where do I begin?  Ha.

I digest all with ease and I trust the process of life.  (help of Louise Hay, author)

May U trust the process of Ur life today.

Jump for Joy

May your heart jump for joy today.

Accept What Is

Accept what is; accept what is; accept what is, accept what is.   Oh, not always easy!

Accept what is; accept what is; accept what is AND

move on from there...

Don't Want to Bore

One minute I'm feeling happy and content, the next I'm unhappy and miserable.  The Universe is testing me or talking to me.

Many changes are going on around me.  It is quite the whirlwind.  I keep telling myself things could be so much worse.

At times I hear my laughter; other times I hear my 'spazzing' out.  I am in the full spectrum  of life.  My head tells me this is good.  My feelings aren't so sure.

What if it is just what it is; neither good nor bad.

Interesting.

My Reality

I am all over using all the emotions, feelings, alot of things that are here to teach us and aide us and guide us and 'mess with' us.

One moment I'm content and happy, the next I'm sad and unfulfilled and struggling.

I have two a/c units broken (we have 3 in the house) and the hot water doesn't work.  It seems like there is problems with leaks alot in my home.  The pond was leaking the other day.  The fish tank has leaked 6 times over the past 10 years.  We had the washer leak.  The finished basement had water in it and we still do not know where it came from.  Alot of leaks.  I wonder what this means (other than we have a lot of things that use water!).

This is the week we were going to tell the contractors we were cutting back on a regular schedule. 

As I write all this, I find myself hesitant and not wanting to be whiny and boring.  Apparently, this is what I am feeling right now and have been for a few days. 

I'm trying to 'watch' and see life unfold around me.  It is hard, at most times, to not get caught up in the emotions, feelings, materialness of it all.

So, today, I have more contractors at my house.  I don't seem to know how to relax when I have people working here.  

I do not know how people add new additions and construction for months while they reside in the same place.  I commend them.

I am realizing more and more what I cannot do easily.  I am very angry at myself.  I am blaming myself, I think, because I chose to ignore my disease for a long time.  I felt if I talked about it and/acknowledged it, that it would get the better of me.  It just may take over.  (guess what, it took over anyway)

Now, I'm thinking that if I would have paid attention to it and not pretended like I was okay and that everything was easy for me - maybe, just maybe I would have loved myself enough to not let it get to this place.

I will never know so I choose to let this go.  I am where I am and I am enough (in this moment, anyway).

I believe we are are where we are supposed to be JUST BECAUSE that's where we are. 

I heard a quote the other day  "Nothing changes if nothing changes".  Good one!

May something change in Ur life today if U want change.

Where I'm At

I'm not really certain where I am at presently.  I don't seem to have a strong 'handle' on it.  One minute I'm extremely hopeful and know that I got it.  The next I am in complete uncertainty and discomfort.

This time it's not just waiting a couple of moments for me to feel different.  It's been days and I am stuck in this pattern.

I'm angry at myself for this a bit.  I am tired of writing the same thing about not figuring out what to give myself to get my happy on.  I am tired of writing I hurt or can't do things.  I want to move on from this.

Oh, my happy is hiding from me big time. 

I hear this voice inside of me saying 'PUSH'.  So this is what I'll do now.  I'm going to walk the dog (lovely day) and go to the grocery store.

That's all I know in this moment.

Our brains are genius; our emotions alive.  The full spectrum of life is in each one of us.

It's figuring out what we do with it (at times) that may be most important.  Just allowing it (at times) is probably just as important.

What a 'ride' life is.

How's Ur ride doing today?  My wish is for it to be what U choose it to be!

Mumbo Jumbo, Mama Jama

I have nothing to say.  Usually, I'm brimming over with thoughts, feelings, ideas, attitudes.  Today, I'm lying low and pretty 'empty of posts'.

My mind is kind of all muddled and my mama has no jama!  See, I should have quit while I was more or less ahead and allowed myself nothing to say, perhaps.

I'm not sure who or what I am.  I'm kind of in between persona/images right now.

(I definitely should have quit while I was ahead now!)

But, really.  I can't seem to know one thought or feeling to grab onto and get it to stick.  I'm unable to focus on where I am or what I want to be doing. 

I'm just quiet and here.  I don't know what to do, say, feel or be.  What an odd place for me.

I AM NOT IN PAIN and I don't know where I'm heading.

I am elated I am pain-free in this moment.  I feel silly/stupid that I don't have a plan.  I am in limbo.

Limbo (dictionary.com)

( often initial capital letter ) Roman Catholic Theology . a region on the border of hell or heaven,

a place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past, or out of date:

an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.

 a place or state of imprisonment or confinement

As I allow myself to be 'here', I feel guilt, peace, nothingness and great hope.  Guilt that I'm not carrying my weight around the house, so to speak.  Peace, that I'm allowing myself to accept what is more than ever.  Nothingness that I have no agenda and Great Hope in never being 'here' before and belief that I'm on to bigger and better things and my next chapter in my life.

All I can think of is   bring it - bring it on.  Show me what is next! 

Are U able to accept where U are today and go with it?

TO BELIEVE - that where U are is exactly where U are supposed to be...

Just Be U - it is enough.

Scream

How does one scream in writing?  Ha.

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There.

Have at it.

My wish for U is to always be able to release what is inside of U.  Scream, Run, Punch a Pillow, Dance, Workout, Jump Up and Down, Move Ur Body the way it is begging to be moved; whatever truly works for you without hurting yourself or another.

One of my favorites is screaming in the car when I'm all alone and (carefully) driving.   Oh, what letting go can do for my soul!

My wish for U is to always be able to release what is inside of U to keep Ur soul open and alive.

Note:  One time when I was releasing what felt 'ugly' to me, I was concerned that this 'ugly' would go out into the Universe.  The person in charge of my 'session' stated that it is all just energy.  What may feel like ugly energy to one person can certainly work as positive energy for another.  This works for me to believe this!

Release On!  Let's stir up this energy together!

Easter

On Easter Sunday, Christians celebrate the resurrection of the Lord, Jesus Christ. It is typically the most well-attended Sunday service of the year for Christian churches.

Christians believe, according to Scripture, that Jesus came back to life, or was raised from the dead, three days after his death on the cross. As part of the Easter season, the death of Jesus Christ by crucifixion is commemorated on Good Friday, always the Friday just before Easter. Through his death, burial, and resurrection, Jesus paid the penalty for sin, thus purchasing for all who believe in him, eternal life in Christ Jesus.  ( By Mary Fairchild)

Easter is here.  Some choose to celebrate it, some do not.  If what Christians believe is true, then perhaps this opens up miracles, anything is possible, some type of eternal life and great love in humankind.

I know that since I have been very young, I know (for me) that every Good Friday, which this year is 4/22/11, for as long as I can remember, it gets dark in the afternoon.  I believe they say Jesus died on a cross around 3 p.m. on this day many, many, moons ago.

Whether Easter is in your life or not, I honor your belief.

And, if Easter is in Ur life, Happy Easter.

My wish for U is to know that miracles do exist and come from the Universe, a Greater Power, Lord Jesus, or whatever U believe and works for U through U.

A Beautiful Day

Yes!  It's my kind of day out there.  I took my dog for a walk and he really is quite different from me.  Poor thing doesn't like the heat and was pretty slow.  I love the heat and felt great.

We finally got close to 80 deg and, most importantly, SUNSHINE. 

Color is blooming everywhere I look and flowers are opening and the buds on the trees are getting more noticeable.  The forsythia, the tulips, the daffodils, the cherry blossom trees, some type of purple bloom tree that I do not know the name of.  Yellows, reds, oranges, white, purple and green.  Oh, the vibrancy of color.

I bathe in it and feel very alive.  It's quite lovely.

My wish for U is that U have a colorful day full of vibrancy, comforting warmth and love.

I Asked God, Part 2

The same day after I asked God for guidance and to take my hand and show me my way to live through Him, my niece came to visit me.  It's always good being with someone just starting out their life and figuring out their dreams and seeing life through fresh, energetic, anything is possible attitude.  It's a beautiful thing.

Also, I received in the mail some Lourdes Water from a friend's mother with prayers and guidance on how to use the water.

Oh, so very interesting.  I don't know exactly what any of it means, just interesting and it certainly shows that people care about each other. 

Is anything better than that?

How do U show people U care?  Are U due?

Get Your Happy On

Things that make me happy:

flowers
books
believing and feeling that I'm doing the best I can do; being the best I can be
helping others
sharing laughter
animals
exploring my curiousity
walk in the woods
walk along the shoreline
watching a sunset or sunrise
feeling the wind in my hair as I drive with the windows down, music blasting
learning new things
exploring new places

What makes U happy?  How do U get Ur happy on?

What's the Word?

What the 'word' in your life today?  Peace, love, joy, surrender?

What's the word that you want to keep in the forefront of your mind to incorporate, acknowledge, connect to today?

Warmth, love, connection?   Hope, dream, fly?

What's your word for the day?

Mine is strength. 

Exploring

I'm exploring what comes next for me in my life.  With my daughter almost grown and my husband working alot, I'm feeling the need to create the next version of me in the world.

I want to do good for the world.  I want each person that meets me to feel better about themselves and their lives after they walk away; even if it is only with a smile.

I want to feel fulfilled and worthy.  I want to enjoy, embrace any endeavor I may partake in.

I want to fill life running through me, and around me with every step I take.

I want to have fun doing it and know that I can make a difference; no matter how small.

At conferences and lectures, I always said if I learn one thing then it's been a success.  I now want to say if I can touch one person's life in my daily activities, then I've been a success.

As I explore my options, hopes, dreams, and connections, I do it with an open heart, mind, soul and spirit.

I am ready.

Are U? 

Teenager in the House

I have a teenager in the house with me.....

Does anyone know where my child is??

I understand that this is a generation after generation 'specialty'.  I understand that it's their way of finding who they are and what they want to be in the world outside of their home.

I don't understand why it can feel so 'uncomfortable' to me....   OH MY

When U know in Ur head why and how things are like they are, how do U relate it to Ur heart when Ur heart may not always understand?

Layin Low

I'm just laying low today.  Doing what has to be done and calmy being. 

No worries, no thoughts.  Being in the Now.

Being present to each moment. 

I'm getting ready to pick up my daughter.  I was relaxing before.

It's rainy and dark, again.  It's a great day to just be.

Just go with the flow and experience the simple things of life.

Like petting my dog, hugging my sister, talking on the phone with my husband.  Simple things that I sometimes do without being present. 

I was present totally today and I liked it.

Are U 'present' in Ur life today?

Only A Moment

It only takes a moment to change our life. 

What I do in each moment makes a difference to me and my life.

May U be present in all Ur moments; one may just change Ur life for the better.  My wish is that it does.

All our billions of moments add up to create our life.  We will never get these moments back; nor can we take them back.  Please use them wisely and live in them lovingly of Urself and others.

Don't Know What

I don't know what is going on and I feel alot of energy around me.  I have all this energy that my back is so tight and I'm not able to focus clearly. 

I feel strange and I feel weird.  Maniacal almost.  I'm all over the place.

I just had a heart to heart with a beautiful, young loved one; a person I cherished since the day she was born.  And, I'm a maniac. 

The top of my head is feeling very bubbly with tiny bubbles popping all around the top of my head.  My upper back and neck are so tight and cramping.

BUT, my hands are fine.  They are not cold, they are not sore, they are not purple. 

What an interesting change.  I don't understand it.  It is totally unfamiliar and I'm trying my best to accept what is and love who and what I am instead of listening to the voice that is telling me I'm weird and I'm crazy and I'm out of control.

Well, in reality, I guess I sort of am weird.  I don't think I'm crazy (much) and I am certainly not out of control EVEN THOUGH I feel that I am.

I'm not sure it gets any more weird than this.  I certainly hope not. 

I feel like I'm speeding or on some drug to charge me up.  I am not.   I didn't have caffeine today.

My hands actually feel soft.  Wow o Wow.

I'm outta here! 

Please don't let it get any more weird than this...

Weird

involving or suggesting the supernatural; unearthly or uncanny: a weird sound; weird lights.

       fantastic; bizarre: a weird getup.

                  concerned with or controlling fate or destiny

(dictionary.com)


Did U get your weird on today?

    A wonderful dog at the barn with me in Florida stretching her neck while she sleeps!

I Asked God

I asked God to show me the way to get my life where He thinks I can be the best to him and for the world and others.

I didn't fall asleep til 12:30 (very unlike me) and then I awoke at 4 am.  Was up til 6 working on a very unexpect emotional project and at 7:30 the dogs woke me because the Tick Contractor was here spraying the trees.  (If I don't do this, my animals bring 50-60 ticks in each season.  With this, I maybe see 4.  It works for us for now.)

Anyway, so then my Durby didn't go out and do his business yet and so I took him immediately for a walk.  On the way back to the house, I had severe stomach distress and had to climb the hill out front of my house to hurry inside and do my business (sorry, not nice, I know).  Do I or do I not leave this in.  A great big UGH I know and a double HA!  I kept telling myself that I can assimilate and digest all thoughts and ideas easily. (As per Louise Hay's book on stomach ailments and the emotional cause of them.)

This is very uncommon for me to have pains in my stomach and it's very uncommon that I walk my dog in the cold let alone at 7:30 a.m.  It's not uncommon that the dogs wake me because a contractor is here too early for me.

What I took away from this was that God was telling me to live my life and do what I need to do throughout the day.  Just do it, so to speak.  I will still be there for others.  I need to be 'there' for myself. 

Who knows, but this is what I took away.  I continue to ask God for guidance in an easy, loving way.

Do U have a higher power that U want to ask guidance from?

"Playing Cards"

I think this is rather funny and peculiar and, definitely, interesting.

I went to 'playing card meanings' and picked two cards out of my head.

One was a 9 of Clubs and it read 'much is held in reserve including strong will; stubborness".

The other was the 2 of Spades and it read 'torn between two choices; stalemate'.

The exactly where I'm at. 

Letting go of the past (stubborn) and deciding to live in the now to create my future.  And I'm stuck (stalemate). 

Interesting, if nothing else!

Oh my, oh my.

I hope I can learn to move on -  forward and upward.

My wish for U is that U are allowing Urself to move forward and upward; that U are being the total person U know U can be.

Time to Move On

It's time for me to let go of everything I thought my life was going to be like and realize the beauty that it is.

Time to let go of what I felt like I wanted to feel at this time of my life and create a new feeling of happy, strength, true beauty and living.

I heard a saying a while back - once you give up your dream of how you thought your life was going to be, you can then imagine the possibilites of what you can have and see clearly what you do have.

How true.

Live and Let Live.

Have Notta

I have nothing to add to my posts right now.  I think I'm at the point where so much is unsettled in myself, I am most unsettled.

I don't know how to share this part of me.  As I'm thinking about trying new things and getting out in the world in different ways, I have shame, embarrassment, uncertainty and fear most prevalent right now.  How does one share these feelings?  Maybe right like this.

I surely do not want to give them to anyone and they are so soft-spoken on the outside of me and so harsh on the inside of me.  Am I being presumptuous that I have the power to give them to people?

None of this really makes much sense to me - other than I'm hiding from something(s) I may not want to deal with.  A big, fat UGH.

So, while I 'have notta' to share really, I'm trying to let feeling and thoughts circle about myself and it certainly does feel like a whirlwind.  Like a 'twister' is inside of me not knowing what to grab onto and not knowing what to knock out of me and not knowing what to reveal....

I'm getting crazier than ever!  I am being as true as I know how AND I'm as screwy as the weather.

I know that I will survive.  That's what I do.  That's what we all do.  We survive in the face of travesty and we thrive in the face of abundance and happiness. 

Is it possible to thrive in the face of adversity as well?

 Adversity  is

1.  a condition marked by misfortune, calamity, or distress:

2.  an adverse or unfortunate event or circumstance: You will meet many adversities in life. (dictionary.com)

 

May U thrive today knowing U are a survivor. 

 

That's how humans are built.  We survive in the worst circumstances and we thrive in the best of circumstances for us.

 

Can we go in and out of survival and thriving from moment to moment?  I'm thinking 'U betcha".

 

Life = Surviving and Thriving  (how do U best handle each?)

 

 

Adrienne Rich Quote

"Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events."

    Adrienne Rich

Body Holds On

I believe our bodies have a way of holding on to (filing away) every experience we have in our lives.  We become our experiences in many ways.

I say this because my body has felt so much over the past year.  Right now it's feeling numbness (stillness) and almost like steam evaporating off of me.

Oh, yes, that sounds Crazy. 

However, if I am true - I do feel this 'steam' being pulled up and away from my skin mostly on my arms, legs, upper back and face. 

It's like with the learning of speaking my truth and knowing that a gigantic thunderbolt DOES NOT come out of the sky to crash on me, so to speak, my body changes with the new and improved thoughts in my head. 

No, I do not have scientific proof.  Lucky for me, I'm not one that needs them to trust what I feel.  (I am grateful for the people that do dig deep scientifically.  It is genius.)  I know what I feel and I'm okay with it.  (sort of)

This feeling of 'steam' is a bit much even for me, but I'll run with it and see where it takes me.  Even the ringing in my ears sounds differently.  I am ready for it to leave.  I hope one day soon it will stop.  Tinnitus is not the most enjoyable thing to live with.  Ha.  Tinnitus may be about not listening to our inner voice (from the Louise Hay book "You Can Heal Your Life".

I am listening.  Oh, am I listening!

What a journey.   Not sure I'm liking it and there is no going back.  I got this.  I hope.

Is there something your body is holding on to that, perhaps, it would be best to let it go? 

 What if all we had to do was to make a conscious decision to let it go......

Speaking Truth

I am speaking my inner most thoughts and truth these days more and more.  It's most amazing to me how my world isn't crashing down around me.  Quite the opposite - I am finding my place in my world.  This is quite cool!

When I read what I'm writing or hearing what I'm saying, I'm amazed.  I just say what is inside of me through love and calm.  People hear me.  I'm being heard about my needs AND the world outside of me is pretty much staying the same.   It certainly isn't exploding.

I think I had learned or believed that, as a child, when I spoke my truth or asked for what I needed, my world was crashing down around me.  My parents were fighting, my dad was drinking and not coming home, my mom was hanging on with everything she had AND my world was crashing down around me.

WOW.  I just learned this just this second...  IT WASN'T ME SPEAKING MY TRUTH that had my world crashing down.  It was the adults in my life living (very poorly) out their lives AND the way I interpreted it.

So, now at 50, maybe I can learn to live the me I was born to live fully and completely most of the time.

Hip hip hooray.  If I had energy, I'd do a happy dance!

This learning and digging about me and how 'I roll' is quite draining and scary, enlightening and freeing. 

I question whether this 'braveness*' is worth it -- However, I cannot and do not want to stop myself.  It seems like it's my current mission.  It is what I am supposed to be doing right now.

I've said before I don't exactly like where my life and living is right now AND it's where I'm supposed to be.  This is a great thing as much as it doesn't feel too great a lot of the time.

May U be brave enough to speak your truth. 

 Perhaps, its true.  "The truth shall set you free."

T   Talk   
R   Real
U   U
T    To
H    Happiness

*I say 'braveness' because I am certainly very afraid as I am stating some of my truth.

Ah, the Sun

Another day of sunshine.  How lucky are we.   I remember being in FL and the for the first time in my life wishing the sun to go in.  Oh, sunny FL. 

Here, I am not wishing the sun to go in.  It is nice to see the sun.  I thought, perhaps, it forgot about us here in Northeastern United States.  But, nope, it's back!

The daffodils are out in full bloom and the yellow color with gold in the middle is beautiful.  Nature surely can be beautiful.  And, as we have all learned over the past, Nature can also be deadly. 

Why is it as brilliantly good as something can be in our life - that same thing can be horrific.  It seems the degree of 'good' can go to the same degree of 'bad'.  Very interesting.

Like a relationship  - it can give us such joy and happiness AND it can give us such heartfelt agony and pain.  My home can give me so much security and comfort and it can give me so much concern and chaos. 

All very interesting indeed.

Peaks and valleys.  This is life.  Our lives are full of peaks and valleys.  When we are at the peak, oh it's so good.  When we are at the valley, well, not so good. 

I'd like to just let the valley that I am in to just be.  That's what I'm trying to do.  Just accept that it is here to teach me something and create goodness for my near future. 

I am learning to trust the process of life.  I'm allowing it.  Because, in reality, what are my other options.  To fight it, to hate it, to distrust it.   Doesn't work so well for me.

So, as I trust the process of my life....May U trust the process of your life and allow it to just flow through U and create your life with U and around U and in U.

We are all on this journey of life.  We all have our really wonderful moments and our really awful moments.  May we learn that, perhaps, in reality, they are all wonderful moments.  Because is it really possible to know great love without great heartache? 

When I told myself I would never get another pet because the pain of losing them is just so great, I believed it.  Then, later in my life, I realized that, yes, the pain is great (horrible even) - and the love, fun and joy last much longer and is so worth it.  It all equals up to who we are.

We can get up and brush ourselves off and move on and live.  Or we can stay down and stuck.

May U always find your way to move on and live.

Dogs... and So Much More

Full Moon tonight and my dogs have seemed to turn into werewolves.  It is midnight and they have not gotten quiet yet.  Running in and out the dog door and barking and chasing each other; it's crazy.  I even shut the dog door and my one dog, Little Bear, decided to go out the cat door!  Wow.  what is going on.

So, needless to say I'm wide awake; sort of.  I'm chasing them all around the place and one goes this way and two go that way and one completely ignores me.  My cats are here as well 'playing the game'. 

I might as well just enjoy it and go with it.  I have lost complete control.  Mind you, I realized several years ago, I am not the Alpha Dog in this pack.  I'm not very good at making them do what I want them to do most of the time.  I could sure use the Dog Whisperer!

I have to say it is a beautiful, bright night.  I decided to bask in the moon a bit.  The temperature is quite comfortable and I can see fairly easily.  It's a good night for a sleep out.  -- Although, it won't be me sleeping out.

I'm starting to find delicious fruit at the stores.  I hear the strawberries are being locally picked and I can't wait to taste them!  A strawberry-banana smoothie sounds good about right now.  I make it with frozen strawberries, banana, strawberry or vanilla yogurt and a bit of orange juice - blend it all together and mmgood.

I love the end of the school year for many reasons.  One of them being the fresh cherries that become ripe.  It's probably my favorite fruit.

Summer is good for so many reasons.  The warm air, the bright, beautiful sunshine; the fresh fruits and vegetables, the warm sand if I'm lucky enough to make it to the beach --  oh, I'm dreaming now.  I haven't made it to the beach at the Jersey Shore probably since I lived there 15 years ago.  With the house in FL and my daughter traveling to the horse show circuit, there's no time for the beach in the summertime.  I used to live on the beach when I was single and also married for 4 years or so.  I was a beach bum.   I exercised and went to the beach.  I ran my fitness business and went to the beach.  It was my heaven.

I am now in the process of finding my heaven again; outside of my raising a family.  It's hard because my fingers and hands are so much more deformed and my health has declined quite a bit since my days of working and beachin it.

There has to be something this older woman can offer and do and enjoy.  I'm so ready to move to it.  I'd like to show my daughter the way instead of just lecturing her on the way. 

I hope I can figure it out.  I really know that this is what I need.  To find and live me as a person again.  Not as a wife; not as a mom, not as a family member.  Who am I besides these things?

I do not know how I went from 'dogs' to 'who am I' but this is how I roll, apparently.  Ha.

Who are U without your 'titles'; your image?

If you are not your job title, your family title, your sport - who are you?

No bull.  I believe there is more to us then our titles. 

I want to be a person connected to people, open-minded, helping others, loving life and exploring new things. 

Do U know of anyone on their deathbed that said 'I sure wish I worked more'?  I think not.  Ha.

Knowing What is Right

I know what is right for me.  I know what I want and need.  I know the best things for me to do.

AND

it's just having my body and spirit follow suit.

I can't always do what's right for me and what I need and want

AND

I don't know why.   Ha.

Are U doing what is right for U in this moment?  Is there one thing U can choose to do right now that is right for U?

Why is it that my head and my actions do not always align with one another? 

Another Day, Another Opportunity

Today is another day, another opportunity to live, explore, smile more and, perhaps, add or subtract something from my life.

Today could also be a day to Just Be and Do and Allow as we go through our day.

So many possibilities are right here in front of us all the time.  All we have to do is grab them and participate.

What would U like to participate in today to 'rock' your world and make today a happy memory for tomorrow?  Rock being positive and fun.

Truthful

I am learning that being truthful to my loved ones; family and friends,  is one of the most liberating things for all.  I am learning that when I speak my truth about how I feel in regards to the individual person TO the individual person, this opens up clarity, freedom and beauty between each other and in our world.

It helps to enable the other individual to speak more freely and true.  It lets me know where they are coming from and what they are truly thinking in regards to what I need/want to know.

It's amazing the peace that comes from the bravery of being vulnerable.  Sure, they could hurt me and ridicule me.  However, my experience is almost 100% of the time - when I come from a place of love and calm, they have greater freedom to share their truth right back to me.

It's a beautiful thing.

My wish for U is that U'll try it and like it AND U'll truly find and Be U with each vunerability shown and open/truthful conversation had.

Living

What does living mean to U?

Living, to me, means being out and about in the world exploring new places, meeting new people and having fun in the sun.  Living is about helping people strive to be the best that they can be.  Living means honesty and sharing.  Living means smiling and dancing.

Wow, that's a lot to live up to.  I've been to many places, met many people, tried many things.  Hawaii, one of my favorite all-time places.  People, such as a Cardinal, a Marine, a Celebrity, a Happy, Beautiful, Confident Woman.  Things such as a helicopter ride, a sail/motor/air boat ride(s), top of a very tall building, hiking a mountain trail,  bottom of a large waterfall, in the audience of a broadway play; on Assateague Island with the wild ponies to a dormant volcano where a certain type of plant can only be found there; a sugar cane plantation in Hawaii to Niagra Falls in the USA to snorkeling in Bahamas to dancing in Mexico to a winery in Napa Valley, CA.  These are all living life to me. 

I've been very fortunate 'living'. 

Just what if living was also sitting on the back porch by myself to laying in bed with my dogs to driving in the car with my daughter.  Sitting here at the computer to cleaning the house to brushing my teeth.  It's all a part of life.  Why do I believe that being out and about is more important than being in and chillin.  Why do I feel more important when I'm out and about as opposed to being in and chillin.  Mmmmm.  

Can I feel important just sitting with myself as to feeling important when I'm out with others in far off places.  Oh, this is good for me!

I want to allow and feel worthy doing the mundane.  I want simplistic and easy.  I want calm and peace. 

I want to help others to know their worth.  I want to do everyday things and enjoy and know the importance of me.

So, I'd like to change up my meaning of life a bit.  I want life to be whatever it is I'm doing that I'm living and I'm alive.  Actually, this is the truth, isn't it?  Ha.

Guilt

Guilt -  "feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined" (from Dictionary.com)

Guilt is about doing something immoral or doing something hurtful on purpose.

I am feeling guilty today.  Guilt that this is all I can do -  which is basically nothing.  However, I am not hurting anyone (including myself) and I am not doing anything wrong.  So, AM I allowed to feel guilty?  Does 'guilt' really belong with me or in me? 

NO.

If U are not doing anything intentionally to hurt anyone or anything, then guilt has no place in your being.

Can it be imagined.   I certainly can imagine or sense guilt being real.  Do I want to let it go?  U bet!

Do U sometimes feel guilt for no reason or imagined?

My wish for U is next time U feel guilty; ask yourself if U are doing something intentionally hurtful or wrong.  If your answer is NO, then U are now allowed to feel guilty, perhaps.

Food

It seems that when I'm down, most aspects of my life are off.  I'm not moving, I'm eating poorly, my motivation is low and I'm not enjoying where I am.

I am just grabbing whatever is easily available to consume from the kitchen.  I'm not thinking about calories, nutrients, cooking healthy.

I'm thinking about taste and ease (maybe just ease!).  Wow, can this get me in trouble.  From french fries to diet coke with lemon to yogurt to leftover chicken alfredo.  I'm consuming it all.  I feel uncomfortable and bloated. 

Again, what mode we are going in - we stay .... until we change it.    Law of Motion.

It does seem once I start movement and mindful eating, it's much easier to stay in this mode.  But, until I am in that mode, it seems hard to get into this mode.

Humanness.  It certainly messes with me.

What 'mode' are U into today?  Is it one that makes U happy and fulfilled or one that makes U sad and depressed? 

Cold

My hands are cold.  My hands are numb.  My hands are swollen.  I am angry that they are.  I'm trying so many things (hormones, vitamins, Aronia berry juice, meditation, chamomile, drugs) to feel better and strong and something is still holding me back.

Yes, alot is my health.  And, yet, alot of sick people are out and about doing things and getting sun on their face.

I am stuck.  I am still.  I am not sure what direction to head.  I do not like being here, where I'm at.  I want to fight and change it.  I feel guilty and ashamed that I am here.  I feel sad and angry.

Not a fun place to be.  Let's just say I accept it.  I do on a lot of days.  I just accept it and move forward.  Today I want to not move forward and relax and kick back.  I'm in bed and I feel as tight as a spring.  I can't seem to relax and unwind.  I can't seem to disconnect from guilt and anger, sadness and frustration.

I know this will pass.  I know this with everything I am.  I don't know why I need to be here.  I know I don't like being here.

What's a woman to do! 

So, I'm here in a dark house in a dark place surrounded by dark weather.   OH MY.  I'll muddle my way through.  I know I will. 

I enjoy the light and lightness much more.  I'm thinking that just by being human; I know I need to experience all aspects of life. 

I am experiencing the dark side of life right now.  It won't kill me.  I'll try to welcome the process.  I really want to run from it. 

I used to just run.  I no longer know how or truly want to run anymore.  I want to face it head on and look at me in the mirror and say 'I'm here for you'. 

So, even though I'm uncomfortable, unhappy and wish I felt different, I will sit in, and participate with, this moment and try to be like a butterfly and let me transform this moment into a brighter, more colorful 'flight' into the next phase of my life.

I'm so losin it now.  Or, am I braver then I ever was?  Mmmmm.

Are U ready to be brave to look at your true self in the mirror and accept what is and find a way to transform like a butterfly?  Are U already a butterfly and want to fly higher?  Are U exactly where U want to be?

Yet,  once the butterfly transforms, is it still part caterpillar?  (it's been dark for too long....)  Ha.

Weather/Whether

The weather is pretty crazy here.  45 deg.  I guess it didn't get the memo that it is Spring!  I hear it's 90 in Florida, which is much higher than average for Spring. 

I see storms, flood, tornadoes, tsunamis, dry spells.

The weather is talking to us.

Not sure what it is saying.  To me, I believe it's something about stopping to smell the roses.  It's wanting us to share love with each other and love with ourselves. 

Everyone of us on this planet was born with love in our heart; love for ourselves.  ....Is this true?  I don't really know if this is true.

I want to say that everyone of us enjoys love more than hate.  AND, I don't know if this is true.  I know love feels better inside of me instead of hate.  When I feel love, I feel peace, connection, joy, excitement, and happiness.   When I feel hate, I feel turmoil, disconnect, anger and I believe I am unable to feel happiness. 

I would like to choose love over hate.  Love is something I welcome.  Hate is something I fight with.

My battle with the weather has been ongoing.  In the cold, I hibernate.  In the comfortable heat, I bask. 

I have no idea why or where I'm going with this......

Whether I choose love or I choose hate - is it up to me?  I think it is.

What do U choose?  Love or Hate      AND, yes, there can be a lot in between the two.