11/29 11 and 2+9 = 11.
11/11? lol
Went to my doctor yesterday (on 11/29) and what came up was I'm ready to let go of the pain. (I think I've been ready since it started, however) I'm hoping, perhaps, this is a different place; another time, and I actually am ready to let go of the pain.
Was I bracing myself just out of habit for the cold and the pain. Did this bring more pain on?
I'll be standing by and watching, allowing and accepting as much as I can. Life can be good.
Today, I had help with beginning to put up Christmas decorations and it's beginning to look alot like Christmas. My pain level is much quieter (it is 60 degrees out presently). I'm getting ready to relax and unwind and I'm hoping that at least one good thing happened to everyone today; no matter how small.
I got great feedback on one of my posts that one person could relate and I felt very happy about that.
May life continue to greet us and teach us in a supportive and loving way. Let it be through ease and swiftness that we are encouraged to follow our happy path and may we accept each other even when we don't understand or desire the same things. Let us embrace what is.
What do you choose to embrace today?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Ready to Jump
Today I heard myself saying that I wanted to jump out of my skin. Hey, I thought - that may not be a bad idea. !
Listen to what you tell yourself. Is it positive and helpful to your happiness or is it negative and doesn't feel so good 'on'?
Life is what I make it and see it as. Some days I see beauty in things; in people. Some days, I choose not to look. Some days, I'm somewhere in between.
What are you seeing today? If it's beneficial, can you choose to keep it. If it is not, care to change it up some?
Listen to what you tell yourself. Is it positive and helpful to your happiness or is it negative and doesn't feel so good 'on'?
Life is what I make it and see it as. Some days I see beauty in things; in people. Some days, I choose not to look. Some days, I'm somewhere in between.
What are you seeing today? If it's beneficial, can you choose to keep it. If it is not, care to change it up some?
Monday, November 29, 2010
Where to Go From Here
Hello. It's a very cold and bitter Monday morning. The sun is out and that is beautiful.
I am finding it extremely difficult to use my hands for anything (what's left of my hands even). I am in a 'bad' place right now. Don't want to get out of bed, do not want to stay in bed. Don't want to go out in the cold, do not want to stay in the house.
No win situation I am creating here in my head.
I need something to do. Scared to commit to even volunteering again because what if I feel sick or unable to keep the commitment to be with the 'job'. Then what. It feels easier not to commit.
What is it with this commitment stuff flying around me.
I am finding that, with pain and illness, most of the energy I have goes into this. Constantly rubbing my hands with creams and oils. Then, I can't touch anything because my hands are greasy. However, this definitely alleviates the pain for a bit.
I take a pain pill and then it messes with my head and this alleviates the pain for a bit more.
I want to be decorating for Christmas, I cannot. I want to be strong and healthy; I am not.
I want to know where I am going from here; I do not.
Life - it's interesting, if nothing else...
Life is a process of highs and lows. Life teaches us. Life challenges us. Life goes on. Life changes. Life can be an exciting adventure. Life can be a dark place.
My challenge is just being me throughout it all. I like me more when I feel good about me. I like me less when I tell myself things should be different.
Who says they should be different. They are not, so what if they are exactly as they should be. My guess is that things are exactly as they need to be for today.
So, I will sit with this and know and strive for different and/or better. Until then, I will choose to live in my truth to the best of my ability with what I know today. (See, what if there is NOT an 'until then'.)
I sure hope something comes along soon and changes things up. This may be my right place - can this be my happy place too. Mmmmmm, who says it can't.
OK, now I'm tired again.... This is why people don't go 'here'. It's awfully exhausting and challenging. My pain is what has brought me here.
However, is it possible it's more exhausting to be stuck in the same unbearable patterns that I have created for myself over time. I'm hoping all this completative work is worth it. I'll just have to wait and see I suppose. Push forward and onward while I'm 'sitting' with what I have.
Apparently, I am not 100% accepting. ha. This is a tough one for me.
Sorry, "I got nothing".
I am finding it extremely difficult to use my hands for anything (what's left of my hands even). I am in a 'bad' place right now. Don't want to get out of bed, do not want to stay in bed. Don't want to go out in the cold, do not want to stay in the house.
No win situation I am creating here in my head.
I need something to do. Scared to commit to even volunteering again because what if I feel sick or unable to keep the commitment to be with the 'job'. Then what. It feels easier not to commit.
What is it with this commitment stuff flying around me.
I am finding that, with pain and illness, most of the energy I have goes into this. Constantly rubbing my hands with creams and oils. Then, I can't touch anything because my hands are greasy. However, this definitely alleviates the pain for a bit.
I take a pain pill and then it messes with my head and this alleviates the pain for a bit more.
I want to be decorating for Christmas, I cannot. I want to be strong and healthy; I am not.
I want to know where I am going from here; I do not.
Life - it's interesting, if nothing else...
Life is a process of highs and lows. Life teaches us. Life challenges us. Life goes on. Life changes. Life can be an exciting adventure. Life can be a dark place.
My challenge is just being me throughout it all. I like me more when I feel good about me. I like me less when I tell myself things should be different.
Who says they should be different. They are not, so what if they are exactly as they should be. My guess is that things are exactly as they need to be for today.
So, I will sit with this and know and strive for different and/or better. Until then, I will choose to live in my truth to the best of my ability with what I know today. (See, what if there is NOT an 'until then'.)
I sure hope something comes along soon and changes things up. This may be my right place - can this be my happy place too. Mmmmmm, who says it can't.
OK, now I'm tired again.... This is why people don't go 'here'. It's awfully exhausting and challenging. My pain is what has brought me here.
However, is it possible it's more exhausting to be stuck in the same unbearable patterns that I have created for myself over time. I'm hoping all this completative work is worth it. I'll just have to wait and see I suppose. Push forward and onward while I'm 'sitting' with what I have.
Apparently, I am not 100% accepting. ha. This is a tough one for me.
Sorry, "I got nothing".
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Me So Dumb
I feel real silly with this truth. I have one teenager not old enough to drive and 4 dogs and I don't know how to make appointment times for myself. I feel like I need to be available for my teenager if and when she needs me. I work my schedule around the dogs' needs and feeding times.
So, when I want to make an appointment for myself (although I can go almost anytime), I find myself with a big hesitation to commit.
Why don't I let my daughter work around my schedule. Why am I choosing to work around hers. Then I get angry and frustrated. I am not being true to me first and foremost. My dogs won't die if I'm a bit late or off on their feeding time.
I am not teaching my daughter the importance of myself. When she is my age, will she do the same. Most likely, yes. Do I want this for her. Most definitely, no.
So, this week I am hoping to be different. Book my appointments on my time and let her know that this is what I am doing and she and I will both have to work to keep her as on schedule as possible with me being happy also.
I feel guilty and wrong. My mind tells me this is beautiful and right. Perhaps, this is one of those times when my brain needs to take over for me because my emotions are messing with me. I want to live my truth.
Is it fair to her for me to get mad because I don't choose to do differently or better. No, it is not.
So, here goes....
Are you finding yourself angry or frustrated at another for something that, perhaps, you are creating?
So, when I want to make an appointment for myself (although I can go almost anytime), I find myself with a big hesitation to commit.
Why don't I let my daughter work around my schedule. Why am I choosing to work around hers. Then I get angry and frustrated. I am not being true to me first and foremost. My dogs won't die if I'm a bit late or off on their feeding time.
I am not teaching my daughter the importance of myself. When she is my age, will she do the same. Most likely, yes. Do I want this for her. Most definitely, no.
So, this week I am hoping to be different. Book my appointments on my time and let her know that this is what I am doing and she and I will both have to work to keep her as on schedule as possible with me being happy also.
I feel guilty and wrong. My mind tells me this is beautiful and right. Perhaps, this is one of those times when my brain needs to take over for me because my emotions are messing with me. I want to live my truth.
Is it fair to her for me to get mad because I don't choose to do differently or better. No, it is not.
So, here goes....
Are you finding yourself angry or frustrated at another for something that, perhaps, you are creating?
In the Quiet of the Day
How many of us know what this is. In the quiet of the day. People are running here and there, doing and accomplishing.
How many of us are tired and/or have an ache. How many of us are not content more than we are content.
Seems to me, alot of us want to slow down, relax a bit. How many of us know how!
For just today, how about we all take five minutes and allow quiet/peace to enter us. Whether it being counting our breaths, touching our toes, reaching up to the sky, just sitting still or whatever works for you.
I think we can be allowed to give ourselves 5 minutes of 'me' time. 5 minutes to just Be with U.
If you choose to give yourself this gift - thank you.
Does peace start within? Do we already have it and only have to tap into it.
After publishing this the first time - I got in my car and on the radio I hear --
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it." Ferris Bueller Ha!
How many of us are tired and/or have an ache. How many of us are not content more than we are content.
Seems to me, alot of us want to slow down, relax a bit. How many of us know how!
For just today, how about we all take five minutes and allow quiet/peace to enter us. Whether it being counting our breaths, touching our toes, reaching up to the sky, just sitting still or whatever works for you.
I think we can be allowed to give ourselves 5 minutes of 'me' time. 5 minutes to just Be with U.
If you choose to give yourself this gift - thank you.
Does peace start within? Do we already have it and only have to tap into it.
After publishing this the first time - I got in my car and on the radio I hear --
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it." Ferris Bueller Ha!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
You Don't Know You Got It Til Its Gone
There is certainly some truth in this for me today. I'm sitting in the warm house because it's windy and cold and what looks to me - 'dead'- outside. I know my friend says 'sleeping' - but I don't think I look this gray and dreary when I'm sleeping. Let's hope not! ha.
I'm wanting to go out and play (this is a good thing for me) and I feel like I can't do it. Too cold. It shuts my body down. Although, I'm shut down now anyway by not being out there living. (good point) (aha).
For the past 10 years plus I was lucky to fly south for winter. I lived in a beautiful and sunny, warm place for the winters. It was heaven. Going outside not having to worry about a coat. Enjoying walking the dog. No excruciating pain in my system. In fact I loved the feeling of the breeze on my skin. It was heavenly.
I did enjoy it and I felt grateful for it. However, now that it's gone. I really, really feel lucky that I was able to do this.
I loved it then and when I think back on it now I realize how beyond lucky I was. I was living what made me happy. Perhaps this was more truth to lack of pain than anything.
Yet, I remember thinking the traveling got old; not being able to put roots down got old; having double responsibilities got tiring; I missed friends and family.
So, no matter where we are and what we are doing, I'm believing that there is always good and always not so good in our life.
Which one makes you feel best when you focus on it - the good or the not so good?
The grass is never greener on the other side. Because both sides of the grass has its really great things and it's not so great things.
Wherever you are today, may you see the great things!
I'm wanting to go out and play (this is a good thing for me) and I feel like I can't do it. Too cold. It shuts my body down. Although, I'm shut down now anyway by not being out there living. (good point) (aha).
For the past 10 years plus I was lucky to fly south for winter. I lived in a beautiful and sunny, warm place for the winters. It was heaven. Going outside not having to worry about a coat. Enjoying walking the dog. No excruciating pain in my system. In fact I loved the feeling of the breeze on my skin. It was heavenly.
I did enjoy it and I felt grateful for it. However, now that it's gone. I really, really feel lucky that I was able to do this.
I loved it then and when I think back on it now I realize how beyond lucky I was. I was living what made me happy. Perhaps this was more truth to lack of pain than anything.
Yet, I remember thinking the traveling got old; not being able to put roots down got old; having double responsibilities got tiring; I missed friends and family.
So, no matter where we are and what we are doing, I'm believing that there is always good and always not so good in our life.
Which one makes you feel best when you focus on it - the good or the not so good?
The grass is never greener on the other side. Because both sides of the grass has its really great things and it's not so great things.
Wherever you are today, may you see the great things!
Christmas Spirit
I love the Christmas season and what it stands for; its spirit.
To me, it stands for sharing, kindness, love and togetherness.
May we all wake up and go to sleep with the spirit in our hearts; our minds and our beings.
As we begin thinking about the Season, may we first and foremost know love and kindness towards ourselves. So, when we are together and sharing, we can know the true abundance of the Christmas spirit throughout the upcoming month because we are happy in the moment.
By truly Being U, I believe the power is endless and we totally tap into life's unlimited possibilities.
I hope to have the courage to truly be myself (and share with others in my truest form) in the spirit of this new life that I am cultivating.
My wish for you is to Be U in your truest form this holiday season; even if it is to explore just one thing, that is unfamiliar territory, that feels right for you.
To me, it stands for sharing, kindness, love and togetherness.
May we all wake up and go to sleep with the spirit in our hearts; our minds and our beings.
As we begin thinking about the Season, may we first and foremost know love and kindness towards ourselves. So, when we are together and sharing, we can know the true abundance of the Christmas spirit throughout the upcoming month because we are happy in the moment.
By truly Being U, I believe the power is endless and we totally tap into life's unlimited possibilities.
I hope to have the courage to truly be myself (and share with others in my truest form) in the spirit of this new life that I am cultivating.
My wish for you is to Be U in your truest form this holiday season; even if it is to explore just one thing, that is unfamiliar territory, that feels right for you.
Can't Always Get What You Want
Like the song says "You can't always get what you want" and you do get what you need.
May you work with what you have and make it a great day.
May you work with what you have and make it a great day.
So Want To
I so want to say something loving and inspirational. AND
I so have nothing! This is my truth in this moment. ha.
Perhaps, someone out there KNOWS what they've been wanting to do for quite some time now and now is the time for you to do it!
My wish today is for you to follow your inner knowing and plow through any fear that may be stopping you.
It just may surprise you how strong you really are when you decide to own your power!
Choose U.
I so have nothing! This is my truth in this moment. ha.
Perhaps, someone out there KNOWS what they've been wanting to do for quite some time now and now is the time for you to do it!
My wish today is for you to follow your inner knowing and plow through any fear that may be stopping you.
It just may surprise you how strong you really are when you decide to own your power!
Choose U.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Who Knows
With all the pain I am in and my mind trying to be accepting of it, there is alot of 'stuff' going on for me.
I feel scared of the unknown. I wonder if I'm going to be okay. I'm sad that I'm not stronger. I worry how my sickness affects my family members.
I'm hopeful I will find a way. I'm grateful for what I do have. I'm thankful for what I do know.
I want to know more. I want to feel stronger.
I'm thinking that today, in this moment, this is where I am. Fighting it doesn't seem to be working anymore. Accepting it is all I can try to do. Exploring new information is always a possibility.
I'm okay in this moment now. It's not where I want to be and I'm handling where I am. I am okay.
How are you handling where you are at in this moment?
Perhaps, 'not handling' is always an option.
I feel scared of the unknown. I wonder if I'm going to be okay. I'm sad that I'm not stronger. I worry how my sickness affects my family members.
I'm hopeful I will find a way. I'm grateful for what I do have. I'm thankful for what I do know.
I want to know more. I want to feel stronger.
I'm thinking that today, in this moment, this is where I am. Fighting it doesn't seem to be working anymore. Accepting it is all I can try to do. Exploring new information is always a possibility.
I'm okay in this moment now. It's not where I want to be and I'm handling where I am. I am okay.
How are you handling where you are at in this moment?
Perhaps, 'not handling' is always an option.
Down and Out
I am down and out for the count. My fingers are screaming and I am unable to do anything without great pain. My ulcers on my fingers have them in constant throbbing and uncomfortableness.
What's a woman to do.
I will accept it and see what happens.
I wish you acceptance of what is and hope in your heart.
What's a woman to do.
I will accept it and see what happens.
I wish you acceptance of what is and hope in your heart.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Being U with Family Members
I found myself writing this to a friend when she was voicing that a family member finds something negative in everything she does. I am thinking that we all have at least one of these people in our families. I'm hoping it's not me! ha.
I believe when people talk negative, it's inside of them - it has nothing to do with us. And, when it hits a nerve with us, we buy into it. Perhaps, we can tell ourselves --'there's that nerve again' when we feel like this and say thank you nerve - you've helped me in the past and it's no longer necessary.
We now have better tools and are more grown up and can deal with it differently..........???????
We know in our heart what works and makes us happy. If only I would learn how to listen and know this is what's (100% no questions asked) right for me AND live it.
Make it a good day. Perhaps, today, we can hold our inside child's hand and show your young you the way that works best now! (to clarify) I will take little Mercedes' hand and guide her, and protect her (if necessary), with the tools and knowledge that I have now.
Through love and calmness - always through love and calmness. I'd like not to choose fear and anger.
Just saying........
Family may the hardest for each and everyone of us. When I was having a conversation with someone, we came up with because we kept these thoughts and feelings the longest that we have to learn to live now as adults when we are around family (not as we were as children)........ can it be done???? ha!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Being Real Even When I Resist and Don't Want To
My truth in this moment is that I have 4 ulcers on my fingers and 1 on my toe that are talking so loudly it is hard for me to focus or live with ease.
Doing things as simple as preparing a bagel, opening the vitamin container, feeding the animals, brushing my teeth, opening a curtain is challenging. I cannot do any of it without pain. I want to cry and give up and I know I will not.
I love life and I love living. I love breathing.
So, I am choosing to live in pain; to continue on.
I just move slower and much more precise and carefully as I pick up my teacup to drink chamomile tea. I prefer not to bang my finger and 'go to the moon'.
I wish with everything in me that I did not have to be like this. However, there are more and more cells in my body that accept it everyday. The whole of me is catching up to this acceptance and allowing.
I found myself yesterday telling myself "I can't believe I hurt so much". Well, this is a 30 year old saying and as of yesterday I told myself I will no longer say it. I say now "I hurt so much". I believe that the cold weather affects me negatively. I do not know why or understand how and I so know it to be true.
I battle on with acceptance and sureness that I will get through the day and good things will be a part of it!
This is my truth in this moment.
Doing things as simple as preparing a bagel, opening the vitamin container, feeding the animals, brushing my teeth, opening a curtain is challenging. I cannot do any of it without pain. I want to cry and give up and I know I will not.
I love life and I love living. I love breathing.
So, I am choosing to live in pain; to continue on.
I just move slower and much more precise and carefully as I pick up my teacup to drink chamomile tea. I prefer not to bang my finger and 'go to the moon'.
I wish with everything in me that I did not have to be like this. However, there are more and more cells in my body that accept it everyday. The whole of me is catching up to this acceptance and allowing.
I found myself yesterday telling myself "I can't believe I hurt so much". Well, this is a 30 year old saying and as of yesterday I told myself I will no longer say it. I say now "I hurt so much". I believe that the cold weather affects me negatively. I do not know why or understand how and I so know it to be true.
I battle on with acceptance and sureness that I will get through the day and good things will be a part of it!
This is my truth in this moment.
Happy Thanksgiving
My wish is for everyone to have a happy, love-filled, peaceful Thanksgiving Day.
I hope we remember our goals in each situation; I hope we keep true to to ourselves; I hope we be honest with all and share the love that is in our beings.
May we all be thankful for the wonderful people/things/situations in our lives and may we grow more and more connected in a way that betters our world.
Actually, I like this wish for everyday! Perhaps, we can start here if we haven't already.
Do you have an overall goal amongst the smaller ones?
Maybe a goal is a simple as changing one thing, for the day, that you habitually do just because you've always done it. Change it up some!
I hope we remember our goals in each situation; I hope we keep true to to ourselves; I hope we be honest with all and share the love that is in our beings.
May we all be thankful for the wonderful people/things/situations in our lives and may we grow more and more connected in a way that betters our world.
Actually, I like this wish for everyday! Perhaps, we can start here if we haven't already.
Do you have an overall goal amongst the smaller ones?
Maybe a goal is a simple as changing one thing, for the day, that you habitually do just because you've always done it. Change it up some!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Quiet Mode
My mind is in quiet mode today. How nice. Not much going on. Not many thoughts. Just Being.
Feels a bit boring to me and it feels welcoming. Is this the other side of life. Very low adrenaline, just hanging; just chillin.
Calm and Quiet.
No excitement. Am I dead? ha.
Another whole side of life and living. Balance. To me, it's all about balance.
I feel lucky and blessed that I have found quiet. It has eluded me for a long time. I am here now and I'm not sure what to do with it.
Be still my child is what comes to mind. Be still. In the stillness, there is much light. In the light, there is much knowing.
I wish you stillness.
When we have it there is nothing to do; only to enjoy it. Be still my child.
Feels a bit boring to me and it feels welcoming. Is this the other side of life. Very low adrenaline, just hanging; just chillin.
Calm and Quiet.
No excitement. Am I dead? ha.
Another whole side of life and living. Balance. To me, it's all about balance.
I feel lucky and blessed that I have found quiet. It has eluded me for a long time. I am here now and I'm not sure what to do with it.
Be still my child is what comes to mind. Be still. In the stillness, there is much light. In the light, there is much knowing.
I wish you stillness.
When we have it there is nothing to do; only to enjoy it. Be still my child.
Thanksgiving and Gratefulness
With Thanksgiving (for those who celebrate it) around the corner, I'd like to say what I am thankful for.
I am thankful for:
a quiet morning shared with nature the love of my family
the feeling I get when I exercise the support of my loved ones
being able to dance to music my animals
growth and learning Y O U
the feeling that comes from --"You Know You Got It If It Makes You Feel Good" This 'good'; when we are so right on with our 'bad' selves.
Happy Thanksgiving. My wish is for you to be able to share your gratefulness and to be thankful for all the beauty in your life. I hope we can all be thankful to ourselves today as well. For having the courage to find our way through love, truth and sharing and simply Being U.
What are you thankful for?
I am thankful for:
a quiet morning shared with nature the love of my family
the feeling I get when I exercise the support of my loved ones
being able to dance to music my animals
growth and learning Y O U
the feeling that comes from --"You Know You Got It If It Makes You Feel Good" This 'good'; when we are so right on with our 'bad' selves.
Happy Thanksgiving. My wish is for you to be able to share your gratefulness and to be thankful for all the beauty in your life. I hope we can all be thankful to ourselves today as well. For having the courage to find our way through love, truth and sharing and simply Being U.
What are you thankful for?
Sunday, November 21, 2010
The Red Cardinal
I was watching the PBS Series "Buddha" and right outside the door, into a ball ornamental tree, flew a beautiful red cardinal.
I, of course, having fun, went to the Animal Speak book by Ted Andrews and looked up cardinal. It said that if the cardinal has shown up in your life, it is there to teach you 'renewed vitality through recognizing self-importance'. Wow. Coincidence - I think not!
I just had this long talk about me not being able to state and share completely what I really feel deep down and that I was only putting the 'bread crumb' out there of what I had inside of me and not the 'whole piece of bread' that is actually there. One of the reasons I was doing this was because of me feeling unworthy.... and along comes the cardinal to tell me otherwise.
Too cool.
I believe we all have something very important to share. Ourselves. If we all would be willing to do this, I believe it just may create the option for the world to be all-encompassing beauty, positivity and loving kindness.
Being U is being enlightened.
May we all listen and believe the red cardinal and find renewed vitality through knowing our own importance.
What if everything we did was truly important. Washing clothes - clean clothes is important. Sharing intellect - intelligence is understanding and this makes me peaceful and gives me a feeling of a more trusting and safe me. Loving our animals is important and feels good. Walking anywhere is important for health. Driving to see a friend is important to my joy. Being there for others is important to feeling connected. Crying is important to cleanse our beings.
What if we all believed that everything we do is important. Would it make everything more meaningful to us.
I, of course, having fun, went to the Animal Speak book by Ted Andrews and looked up cardinal. It said that if the cardinal has shown up in your life, it is there to teach you 'renewed vitality through recognizing self-importance'. Wow. Coincidence - I think not!
I just had this long talk about me not being able to state and share completely what I really feel deep down and that I was only putting the 'bread crumb' out there of what I had inside of me and not the 'whole piece of bread' that is actually there. One of the reasons I was doing this was because of me feeling unworthy.... and along comes the cardinal to tell me otherwise.
Too cool.
I believe we all have something very important to share. Ourselves. If we all would be willing to do this, I believe it just may create the option for the world to be all-encompassing beauty, positivity and loving kindness.
Being U is being enlightened.
May we all listen and believe the red cardinal and find renewed vitality through knowing our own importance.
What if everything we did was truly important. Washing clothes - clean clothes is important. Sharing intellect - intelligence is understanding and this makes me peaceful and gives me a feeling of a more trusting and safe me. Loving our animals is important and feels good. Walking anywhere is important for health. Driving to see a friend is important to my joy. Being there for others is important to feeling connected. Crying is important to cleanse our beings.
What if we all believed that everything we do is important. Would it make everything more meaningful to us.
If you felt and believed everything you did was important, how would this impact your everyday life? Wanna believe it with me if you don't already?
Thanks Yous
I want to thank my massage person for allowing me to just be. The laughter, the crying, the screaming, the pain, the writhing, the burping, the pounding. Thank you for allowing it all to happen and not shutting me down. You just stood by me and worked with me and supported me. Thank you.
Same to my chiropractor. Thank you for listening and hearing me again and again. Thank you for allowing my truth to come forward whether you were comfortable with it or not. Whether it made you laugh or cry, you listened to me and heard me consistently. This allowed me to let my truth fly and get in touch with it and listen and hear it myself. Thank you.
I look forward (sort of - ha) to see where we go from here.
Again, I'd like to share. The more I didn't want to visit with these people, the more that I learned from each session. Interesting, yes?
Is there something you have been resisting to do and know you are going to end up doing it sometime? Perhaps, now is the time to go for it.
Party On! ha.
Same to my chiropractor. Thank you for listening and hearing me again and again. Thank you for allowing my truth to come forward whether you were comfortable with it or not. Whether it made you laugh or cry, you listened to me and heard me consistently. This allowed me to let my truth fly and get in touch with it and listen and hear it myself. Thank you.
I look forward (sort of - ha) to see where we go from here.
Again, I'd like to share. The more I didn't want to visit with these people, the more that I learned from each session. Interesting, yes?
Is there something you have been resisting to do and know you are going to end up doing it sometime? Perhaps, now is the time to go for it.
Party On! ha.
Allow it All
I had a talk with someone very near and dear to me after my experience with my last massage. What came out of the conversation was me still not completely able to get what I know and feel as Me out to the world.
The first time I went to a psychiatrist I stated how I know me - I know what I want, how I feel and what I need deep down here in my belly. I do not know how to bring it out 'here' - outside of myself.
I think this is what I am in the process of doing. To trust, be brave and allow my feelings, thoughts and truth to be shared and not kept buried. (oh help us!)
I am still not 100% there. Even with my posts, I am sporadic and do not detail things. I see myself typing highlights and thoughts, but not going into detail.
I had this belief that no one wanted to hear me. I would overwhelm or bore people with my truth. I wasn't worthy of sharing the real me. People would laugh at me. They would leave me. (This, I learned in early childhood and grabbed onto with all my might.)
I am now choosing to go for it and let it rip, so to speak. (Father, Son and Holy Ghost) lol I'm praying I can do this and life won't shatter!
Thank you my dearest of all loves for helping me see the light and helping me to want to/know how to take this next step.
If I see the whole slice of bread, so to speak, why am I just talking about the bread crumb. ha
May you want to and know how to share all of who you are. Perhaps, this journey we can take side by side. This is my wish.
The first time I went to a psychiatrist I stated how I know me - I know what I want, how I feel and what I need deep down here in my belly. I do not know how to bring it out 'here' - outside of myself.
I think this is what I am in the process of doing. To trust, be brave and allow my feelings, thoughts and truth to be shared and not kept buried. (oh help us!)
I am still not 100% there. Even with my posts, I am sporadic and do not detail things. I see myself typing highlights and thoughts, but not going into detail.
I had this belief that no one wanted to hear me. I would overwhelm or bore people with my truth. I wasn't worthy of sharing the real me. People would laugh at me. They would leave me. (This, I learned in early childhood and grabbed onto with all my might.)
I am now choosing to go for it and let it rip, so to speak. (Father, Son and Holy Ghost) lol I'm praying I can do this and life won't shatter!
Thank you my dearest of all loves for helping me see the light and helping me to want to/know how to take this next step.
If I see the whole slice of bread, so to speak, why am I just talking about the bread crumb. ha
May you want to and know how to share all of who you are. Perhaps, this journey we can take side by side. This is my wish.
Story - Make Believe or Real?
So, I had a 2.5 hr. massage today. The massages I receive are not usually relaxing or quiet. The one I had today was alot of trust, work and allowing the mind to go.
This story begins a few days back when I remember waking up saying again and again Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Blessing myself. Extremely Fearful. (okay so I let that go) I think it's important to say that I do not bless myself regularly; in fact, it's been some time.
Then I went to my chiropractor who also does energy work. We came up with age 13, on the beach, something in my spine clicked and got out of alignment. What also came up was
the beginning of scleroderma' and a 'scleroderma gene'. (ok, so I sit with that)
Then today, during massage, the masseuse was pressing against my abdomen and I could feel my skin being pulled from my neck and head and from my toes and legs and over the hip bone and around the waist. It felt like muscle fibers and I imagined them to be like tied cornstalks. (remember, Post title is make believe or real? ha.)
I kept telling myself to let the masseuse in, no reason for fear, allow 'it' to leave my body. 'It' being tightness, fear; anything that wasn't needed or wanted.
What came up for both the massage person and myself was my connection to Christ. We asked it to happen and allow whatever 'work' that needed to be done for my being and the universe to connect as one. My mind went to a place, way back, when I was having a guided meditation session and I saw myself in Jesus floating in a canoe down a slow, narrow river. I stayed with that.
The next thing I knew - it felt like her hands were reaching my back through my stomach and these 'corn stalks' were being untied and freed to allow bloodflow and energy flow throughout my body. I was crying uncontrollably, like a child, and I felt great happiness.
I remember her saying "oh, your digestion is surely going to be different now".
I really believed we tapped into the core of the scleroderma and God was there working his magic.
So, here I am. Simply here. Thinking what wacko stuff and feeling more 'real' than ever.
Real or Make Believe? Who knows...
Are there any of your experiences that you want to pull together to create a full story?
This story begins a few days back when I remember waking up saying again and again Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Blessing myself. Extremely Fearful. (okay so I let that go) I think it's important to say that I do not bless myself regularly; in fact, it's been some time.
Then I went to my chiropractor who also does energy work. We came up with age 13, on the beach, something in my spine clicked and got out of alignment. What also came up was
the beginning of scleroderma' and a 'scleroderma gene'. (ok, so I sit with that)
Then today, during massage, the masseuse was pressing against my abdomen and I could feel my skin being pulled from my neck and head and from my toes and legs and over the hip bone and around the waist. It felt like muscle fibers and I imagined them to be like tied cornstalks. (remember, Post title is make believe or real? ha.)
I kept telling myself to let the masseuse in, no reason for fear, allow 'it' to leave my body. 'It' being tightness, fear; anything that wasn't needed or wanted.
What came up for both the massage person and myself was my connection to Christ. We asked it to happen and allow whatever 'work' that needed to be done for my being and the universe to connect as one. My mind went to a place, way back, when I was having a guided meditation session and I saw myself in Jesus floating in a canoe down a slow, narrow river. I stayed with that.
The next thing I knew - it felt like her hands were reaching my back through my stomach and these 'corn stalks' were being untied and freed to allow bloodflow and energy flow throughout my body. I was crying uncontrollably, like a child, and I felt great happiness.
I remember her saying "oh, your digestion is surely going to be different now".
I really believed we tapped into the core of the scleroderma and God was there working his magic.
So, here I am. Simply here. Thinking what wacko stuff and feeling more 'real' than ever.
Real or Make Believe? Who knows...
Are there any of your experiences that you want to pull together to create a full story?
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Anger
Anger is an emotion just like happiness and excitement. However, anger seems to have many roles. Anger, I believe, can come from fear. When we are fearful or not in our comfort zone, anger can arise.
What we do with anger is maybe the important thing. Do we make it about the outside world and other people or do we own it and say what is going on inside of us.
Which is the more real approach. Which one accomplishes the most. Are there other approaches that would maybe be most productive.
What do you do with your anger?
What we do with anger is maybe the important thing. Do we make it about the outside world and other people or do we own it and say what is going on inside of us.
Which is the more real approach. Which one accomplishes the most. Are there other approaches that would maybe be most productive.
What do you do with your anger?
Morning
I woke up knowing that it was colder than it's been. My body was stiffer and my hands were very swollen. I could feel the cold air inside of myself.
I have an ulcer on the tip of a finger and everytime I hit it on the sheets, it screams. It's hard to use the hand because the ulcer keeps getting in the way. To get dressed, make a bagel, pet the dogs are not simple tasks without bumping the finger.
My fight (apparently I still have resistance) between to take the pain pills and not to take the pain pills is pretty constant. I function better and get more done when I take them. My head and body feel more numb when I take them. When I don't take them, I am down and out for the count.
Just hearing me say this, I think it's a no brainer - take the pills. Yet, I don't want to need them.
I am certainly not accepting what is when it comes to pain pills. I'll have to work this through, I suppose. I am hoping it doesn't take me another 30 years! Going to try for 30 minutes......
So, the day begins. It is sunny and fresh outside. My family is home. I have the massage person on her way. All the animals are fed.
It's a good day.
How is your day shaping up for you? Are you going to choose it to be a good day? Can you let it be okay if you can't find the choice of a 'good' day?
I have an ulcer on the tip of a finger and everytime I hit it on the sheets, it screams. It's hard to use the hand because the ulcer keeps getting in the way. To get dressed, make a bagel, pet the dogs are not simple tasks without bumping the finger.
My fight (apparently I still have resistance) between to take the pain pills and not to take the pain pills is pretty constant. I function better and get more done when I take them. My head and body feel more numb when I take them. When I don't take them, I am down and out for the count.
Just hearing me say this, I think it's a no brainer - take the pills. Yet, I don't want to need them.
I am certainly not accepting what is when it comes to pain pills. I'll have to work this through, I suppose. I am hoping it doesn't take me another 30 years! Going to try for 30 minutes......
So, the day begins. It is sunny and fresh outside. My family is home. I have the massage person on her way. All the animals are fed.
It's a good day.
How is your day shaping up for you? Are you going to choose it to be a good day? Can you let it be okay if you can't find the choice of a 'good' day?
Friday, November 19, 2010
Simply Me
I want to write about myself. Share what is going on with me. It just still feels so un-natural, the feeling I am feeling.
There is a peace exuding from me; from a part of me. I am in a fog and yet it's comforting. I am believing that my 'high alertness' has dimmed. I am not feeling everything and everyone in the same way that I did as far back as I remember.
I was not overwhelmed by the energies in the grocery store today. Usually, I've always been anxious and cold while shopping for groceries. Today I noticed that I wasn't cold; my hands weren't purple and I was calm. I was able to just see people and not feel rushed, spastic or discomfort. I liked it; I liked it alot.
I found myself taking my time to tie a twisty tie back onto a package that it had slipped off of. I haven't used a twisty tie ever. The simple act of taking my time to twist the tie back onto the baggie was a big deal for me. Ludacris, right?
I told my sister this and she said why do you think. I answered - I think because I gave up 'the fight'. The fight to stop my reality; to change my reality. To find a cure to change my hands, my pain and win. Accepting what is. It's turned down my dial on anxiety, fight or flight and adrenaline overload. It's turned up my dial on calm, focus and security.
I'm not always peaceful and I have longer moments of it. I am grateful. I like it.
Do I feel like a weirdo - You bet! However, do I feel totally real to me - yes!
Is it time for you to state your reality that you've been wanting to avoid?
Like when I thought - If I say it, it will make it real. It will be my reality. Darling, it's already real whether we say it or not. Might as well participate and see what we can do with it.
There is a peace exuding from me; from a part of me. I am in a fog and yet it's comforting. I am believing that my 'high alertness' has dimmed. I am not feeling everything and everyone in the same way that I did as far back as I remember.
I was not overwhelmed by the energies in the grocery store today. Usually, I've always been anxious and cold while shopping for groceries. Today I noticed that I wasn't cold; my hands weren't purple and I was calm. I was able to just see people and not feel rushed, spastic or discomfort. I liked it; I liked it alot.
I found myself taking my time to tie a twisty tie back onto a package that it had slipped off of. I haven't used a twisty tie ever. The simple act of taking my time to twist the tie back onto the baggie was a big deal for me. Ludacris, right?
I told my sister this and she said why do you think. I answered - I think because I gave up 'the fight'. The fight to stop my reality; to change my reality. To find a cure to change my hands, my pain and win. Accepting what is. It's turned down my dial on anxiety, fight or flight and adrenaline overload. It's turned up my dial on calm, focus and security.
I'm not always peaceful and I have longer moments of it. I am grateful. I like it.
Do I feel like a weirdo - You bet! However, do I feel totally real to me - yes!
Is it time for you to state your reality that you've been wanting to avoid?
Like when I thought - If I say it, it will make it real. It will be my reality. Darling, it's already real whether we say it or not. Might as well participate and see what we can do with it.
Full Moon
This is something we all have. We all have a full moon to look out on and see its beauty; feel it's presence. We are all be connected by this moon. For some reason, I think of the hurt and sadness under the moon. I also think of the beauty and joy.
It is brisk outside of my home. My dogs love it. I do not like the feel of the briskness. I love its beauty, but not its presence. It hurts me. I get tense and shiver and can't get warm. My dogs want me to go out back and play and I can't seem to enjoy it. The moon is shining bright. I can see the whole backyard. It's light is magical.
The koi and goldfish in the outside pond are all very still and quiet. They hardly move, if they move at all. They do not get fed all winter long. When spring comes, they are fine. It is amazing to me. Again, nature. It knows no bounds.
I never thought to bask in the moonlight. For me, it was always the sunlight. Now, I try to take on both. The dual energies are availabe to us so I might as well enjoy both.
I hope, wherever you are, you stop and bask in the moonlight. Let it encompass your body and re-energize you.
I pray for the day that there is no more suffering under the moonlight. We all can accept each other and allow love to flow through us and between us.
May you connect with the beauty and the force of the full moon and let our own light brighten simply because it can.
It is brisk outside of my home. My dogs love it. I do not like the feel of the briskness. I love its beauty, but not its presence. It hurts me. I get tense and shiver and can't get warm. My dogs want me to go out back and play and I can't seem to enjoy it. The moon is shining bright. I can see the whole backyard. It's light is magical.
The koi and goldfish in the outside pond are all very still and quiet. They hardly move, if they move at all. They do not get fed all winter long. When spring comes, they are fine. It is amazing to me. Again, nature. It knows no bounds.
I never thought to bask in the moonlight. For me, it was always the sunlight. Now, I try to take on both. The dual energies are availabe to us so I might as well enjoy both.
I hope, wherever you are, you stop and bask in the moonlight. Let it encompass your body and re-energize you.
I pray for the day that there is no more suffering under the moonlight. We all can accept each other and allow love to flow through us and between us.
May you connect with the beauty and the force of the full moon and let our own light brighten simply because it can.
If We Do Not Know
If I am uncertain about someone's thought or thinking in a situation, I am learning it is best to ask them. If I want to know what someone is thinking, I bravely ask them.
Mostly, all of the time, people in my life want me to be happy. If I do something and I do not know how this person feels about it, I now am asking them. Assuming I know what they think and feel isn't working for me. I truly don't always know. (surprising, isn't it?) When I ask and they answer, I have concrete knowledge to respond accordingly. I am certain of the situation and it's empowering. There is stillness and peace in knowing this for me.
I think I used to be afraid to ask; almost afraid that they are not on my side and this will conjure up ugliness or lack of discourse.
I am learning that most people are on my side and asking and talking about it gives us more peace and ability to grow and love. A peace to just be with the truth. Their truth, my truth, the truth of the situation. It's freeing.
I have to admit, I am fearful of the time when the person isn't on my side and I will feel yucky. By on my side, I don't mean agreeing with me. On my side, I mean caring and taking the time to know and feel each others beings. Actually, to share each other's souls. This is going far out there saying this, but I believe in this.
To truly care for each other, I believe, is to learn where the other person is coming from. It certainly can be different from what I know and I believe we both can be right. Within our lives, our experiences, our thoughts the truth can be different. It's in these differences we can learn and grow and be connected. This, to me, is enlightenment. It's not knowing everything and people to follow. It is knowing ourselves and allowing others to know themselves.
When this can be done through love and honor, I believe everything is possible.
Is it possible we are all doing the best we can with what we know and the experiences we have had.
Are you ready to love and honor life? First, yours and then others?
Mostly, all of the time, people in my life want me to be happy. If I do something and I do not know how this person feels about it, I now am asking them. Assuming I know what they think and feel isn't working for me. I truly don't always know. (surprising, isn't it?) When I ask and they answer, I have concrete knowledge to respond accordingly. I am certain of the situation and it's empowering. There is stillness and peace in knowing this for me.
I think I used to be afraid to ask; almost afraid that they are not on my side and this will conjure up ugliness or lack of discourse.
I am learning that most people are on my side and asking and talking about it gives us more peace and ability to grow and love. A peace to just be with the truth. Their truth, my truth, the truth of the situation. It's freeing.
I have to admit, I am fearful of the time when the person isn't on my side and I will feel yucky. By on my side, I don't mean agreeing with me. On my side, I mean caring and taking the time to know and feel each others beings. Actually, to share each other's souls. This is going far out there saying this, but I believe in this.
To truly care for each other, I believe, is to learn where the other person is coming from. It certainly can be different from what I know and I believe we both can be right. Within our lives, our experiences, our thoughts the truth can be different. It's in these differences we can learn and grow and be connected. This, to me, is enlightenment. It's not knowing everything and people to follow. It is knowing ourselves and allowing others to know themselves.
When this can be done through love and honor, I believe everything is possible.
Is it possible we are all doing the best we can with what we know and the experiences we have had.
Are you ready to love and honor life? First, yours and then others?
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Lightening Up
I want to say something funny, I want to lighten up some. I want to be able to put a smile on your face.
However, I've got nothing of the sort.
I'm starting to pay more attention to the number of the audience and hits each day. I wonder why I'm getting caught up in this.
I want to help people find happiness. I want to be connected to people. I want someone's life to be better because of something that came up for them while reading a post.
I need to take a 'chill' pill and relax and let go. I need to just be and stop the 'growth' for today.
I'm exhausted from so much talking, change and 'growth'. I'm surprised by where I am; so I am hoping to choose to just be with it and sit with it for awhile.
Stop trying so hard to share. To make things happen, so I can share. I'm forgetting about me again some. I'm out 'here' instead of in 'here'. I'm exhausted.
That's the boring truth of me. I'd like to hit delete on the 'boring' word and not judge myself harshly. SO, that's the truth of me in this moment.
What is your truth/need today?
However, I've got nothing of the sort.
I'm starting to pay more attention to the number of the audience and hits each day. I wonder why I'm getting caught up in this.
I want to help people find happiness. I want to be connected to people. I want someone's life to be better because of something that came up for them while reading a post.
I need to take a 'chill' pill and relax and let go. I need to just be and stop the 'growth' for today.
I'm exhausted from so much talking, change and 'growth'. I'm surprised by where I am; so I am hoping to choose to just be with it and sit with it for awhile.
Stop trying so hard to share. To make things happen, so I can share. I'm forgetting about me again some. I'm out 'here' instead of in 'here'. I'm exhausted.
That's the boring truth of me. I'd like to hit delete on the 'boring' word and not judge myself harshly. SO, that's the truth of me in this moment.
What is your truth/need today?
Chaos
There is a bit of chaos in alot of my relationships right now. Many people I encounter tell me they are struggling with life and their own relationships.
I have this belief that our world, as we know it, is changing and we are on board the train (so to speak) and taking the rides of our lives. We are growing, learning and, hopefully, being more open and more true. We are allowing reality to just be and we are gathering each other through love and support.
I know alot of my relationships seem to be showing each other things that we haven't been able to be open about. The reality of what is is shining through whatever portals that are open to teach me to trust myself; to trust others.
With me being true to me, I am true to others and the beauty and connection I share with others is becoming more meaningful, amazingly so. The growth of my relationships is huge and the freedom that comes with this reality and truth is so powerful. The beauty, strength and light I am seeing in myself and others is a true gift. Peace within. I am wishing this for all of us.
This is so enjoyable. It is not without work, effort and energy. However, the payoff is exceedingly promising and peaceful.
The power that comes from being true and being you is more beautiful than I ever imagined.
We are all magical beings and owning this magic; I'm feeling and thinking this is what it's all about. The beauty and power that comes from connecting to others on levels that I surely didn't experience in this way before.
I am feeling like this is the magic of 'being you'.
Truth is I am tired, exhausted and burned out. My mind is chaotic. Yet, I've never felt more connected to life. I have never had such glimpses of true inner peace.
Go figure.
How true to who you really are can you be in this moment; to what you really feel?
I have this belief that our world, as we know it, is changing and we are on board the train (so to speak) and taking the rides of our lives. We are growing, learning and, hopefully, being more open and more true. We are allowing reality to just be and we are gathering each other through love and support.
I know alot of my relationships seem to be showing each other things that we haven't been able to be open about. The reality of what is is shining through whatever portals that are open to teach me to trust myself; to trust others.
With me being true to me, I am true to others and the beauty and connection I share with others is becoming more meaningful, amazingly so. The growth of my relationships is huge and the freedom that comes with this reality and truth is so powerful. The beauty, strength and light I am seeing in myself and others is a true gift. Peace within. I am wishing this for all of us.
This is so enjoyable. It is not without work, effort and energy. However, the payoff is exceedingly promising and peaceful.
The power that comes from being true and being you is more beautiful than I ever imagined.
We are all magical beings and owning this magic; I'm feeling and thinking this is what it's all about. The beauty and power that comes from connecting to others on levels that I surely didn't experience in this way before.
I am feeling like this is the magic of 'being you'.
Truth is I am tired, exhausted and burned out. My mind is chaotic. Yet, I've never felt more connected to life. I have never had such glimpses of true inner peace.
Go figure.
How true to who you really are can you be in this moment; to what you really feel?
What's It All About
I have no idea today. I'm scattered and tired and I don't have a clue as to any thoughts, meanings, truisms.
Is truism a word? Yes it is.
It means an obvious thought or truth.
I've got nothing obvious going on, apparently!
I'm just hanging.
Any truism happening with you right now? (other than I may have too much time on my hands!) ha.
Is truism a word? Yes it is.
It means an obvious thought or truth.
I've got nothing obvious going on, apparently!
I'm just hanging.
Any truism happening with you right now? (other than I may have too much time on my hands!) ha.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Where I'm At
So, I am learning to be whole with a disease. The disease of scleroderma.
Accepting this; I am more peaceful, not struggling. I am not looking for the next doctor, vitamin, pill, alternative medicine to try. I am truly just being.
Last night, I saw myself having no thoughts, no motives, no have-to's in my head. It was peaceful and calm and so was I.
I truly loved it.
For me, acceptance was key! I am as I am and it's okay. I can continue on and love, live and laugh. I have learned, for now, to not wait for the storm to pass; but to 'dance' through it. It feels right. It feels awesome.
I haven't made any commitments to friends or relatives to do something yet. I'm not quite there. But, here, in my body; my being, I am living and I am feeling pain. I can do both. I do not have to choose between the two. I think this is a beautiful, gi-normous (gigantic/enormous) step for me. I am grateful I found it and that I chose it!
I am 'just being me' in this new feeling and new belief of mine. I am sitting with this. It's all I can do. Life is good.
Where are you at? Do you need to fight today or can you choose acceptance?
I'm not sure there is any peace in fighting. I know there is peace in acceptance. I wish you peace.
Accepting this; I am more peaceful, not struggling. I am not looking for the next doctor, vitamin, pill, alternative medicine to try. I am truly just being.
Last night, I saw myself having no thoughts, no motives, no have-to's in my head. It was peaceful and calm and so was I.
I truly loved it.
For me, acceptance was key! I am as I am and it's okay. I can continue on and love, live and laugh. I have learned, for now, to not wait for the storm to pass; but to 'dance' through it. It feels right. It feels awesome.
I haven't made any commitments to friends or relatives to do something yet. I'm not quite there. But, here, in my body; my being, I am living and I am feeling pain. I can do both. I do not have to choose between the two. I think this is a beautiful, gi-normous (gigantic/enormous) step for me. I am grateful I found it and that I chose it!
I am 'just being me' in this new feeling and new belief of mine. I am sitting with this. It's all I can do. Life is good.
Where are you at? Do you need to fight today or can you choose acceptance?
I'm not sure there is any peace in fighting. I know there is peace in acceptance. I wish you peace.
When It's Time
I've been thinking, saying, feeling that I may make a move or change a pattern.
I hear that awareness comes first. I want to try not to beat myself up and know and trust when I am ready, it will happen.
I trust that I am where I need to be right now in this moment. I trust the process of living that I have what I need and I will be okay no matter what. I have faith that answers will come to me when I truly need them and life will work itself out always.
Accepting what is and not fighting what is feels better at times, although not always possible. If I look at the truth of things, accept them and understand them and then incorporate a plan to go in the direction of my happy.
If I feel nervous, I ask myself 'what is my goal in the moment". If I feel scared, I trust that all will work out. If I feel stuck, I sit with it and allow the stuckness for a bit and I know, 99.9% of the time, it passes.
Life is interesting and full of patterns and behaviors. If we change one thing, no matter how small, can it set change into motion and everything we truly need will come.
If we continue on exactly as we are; we will get exactly what we've been getting. One change - using our opposite hand to brush our teeth - will start the process of change and it can be exciting to see where we go and end up each day.
Each day is a new day of unlimited possibities. One second can change things. One second is all it may take.
I wish you peace, love and knowing. I wish you happiness and joy. When it's time, it will come. I want to allow life to run through me just as things are. I want to accept it and know it. I want to breathe it and trust it.
When it's time, I hope to know and experience and grab whatever life offers me to the fullest of my ability. When I am unable to 'grab' much - I want to be okay with that. Is this a choice I can truly make; to be okay, regardless.
Can you choose to allow life to fill you up and to trust when your time to act is upon you, you will know exactly what to do and how to do it?
Time will tell.
I hear that awareness comes first. I want to try not to beat myself up and know and trust when I am ready, it will happen.
I trust that I am where I need to be right now in this moment. I trust the process of living that I have what I need and I will be okay no matter what. I have faith that answers will come to me when I truly need them and life will work itself out always.
Accepting what is and not fighting what is feels better at times, although not always possible. If I look at the truth of things, accept them and understand them and then incorporate a plan to go in the direction of my happy.
If I feel nervous, I ask myself 'what is my goal in the moment". If I feel scared, I trust that all will work out. If I feel stuck, I sit with it and allow the stuckness for a bit and I know, 99.9% of the time, it passes.
Life is interesting and full of patterns and behaviors. If we change one thing, no matter how small, can it set change into motion and everything we truly need will come.
If we continue on exactly as we are; we will get exactly what we've been getting. One change - using our opposite hand to brush our teeth - will start the process of change and it can be exciting to see where we go and end up each day.
Each day is a new day of unlimited possibities. One second can change things. One second is all it may take.
I wish you peace, love and knowing. I wish you happiness and joy. When it's time, it will come. I want to allow life to run through me just as things are. I want to accept it and know it. I want to breathe it and trust it.
When it's time, I hope to know and experience and grab whatever life offers me to the fullest of my ability. When I am unable to 'grab' much - I want to be okay with that. Is this a choice I can truly make; to be okay, regardless.
Can you choose to allow life to fill you up and to trust when your time to act is upon you, you will know exactly what to do and how to do it?
Time will tell.
Shedding
Happy Fall! The remainder of the leaves are continuing to fall.
Shall we act like a tree and 'shed'?
I am thinking that the trees are all shedding their leaves, perhaps it's the best time to shed some of my beliefs (be-leafs!)
What do you think; do you want to get rid of some things, some thoughts or some pounds?
Let the 'wind' carry them away. We are in control of our thinking, our be-leafs, and our moods.
Shall we act like a tree and 'shed'?
I am thinking that the trees are all shedding their leaves, perhaps it's the best time to shed some of my beliefs (be-leafs!)
What do you think; do you want to get rid of some things, some thoughts or some pounds?
Let the 'wind' carry them away. We are in control of our thinking, our be-leafs, and our moods.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Shambala
Can we, together, turn the world into Shambala?
Abuse
Forgive me ahead of time. I am sorry for any offense people may feel. I come from a place of love. I do not know what terrible, terrible abuse is like personally. This is a very general assessment that comes from only me and my life experiences. I pray for the victim to know options and change their story today. I believe the victim deep down is one of the strongest, most courageous humans in the world to be able to keep going forward while being abused. I cannot imagine the strength it takes to do this. My wish is for this person to use that strength to go forward for themselves. Step though the fear and use their strength that is so apparent to me to change their lives. It is their life and if there is one 'flame' of their true self inside; my wish is for that flame to grow and for them to be able to follow their happy. They certainly do not owe the abuser ANYTHING. My wish is for the victim to think of no one but themselves first to change the abuse in their lives. Again, I am sorry if my thinking hurts. I wish you love and being able to be the truest version of you. The version of you that was intended through love and is in you somewhere; even though it may not be easily apparent, I know you were born with it.
I've been thinking about abuse alot lately. It saddens me to think about it. It really is a horrible thing for both parties.
I believe neither one is living their truth or following their happy.
I believe the abused is a victim that ceratinly is not living their own worth. They may not know any other option or way. I certainly wish I could change it for them and today in this moment. I hate the thought of someone being hurt by another person and a person who declares love for them at that. There may be nothing more horrifying.
The abuser may not know any other option or way and is certainly lost and, perhaps, they may not know their underlying worth. They certainly are not being what they were born to be. I think (I do not know) that many abusers are not enjoying their lives either. I think some people may say who cares about the abuser. I think care and love may be the best, if not only, way out of this way of living.
It has to be torturous for all involved. Is it usually fear, pain, insecurity, feeling unloved that is present in these situations. If feelings of self-worth, true love and safeness were put into the mix, would things be able to change more readily or more easy.
I see pain in all the people involved. Great, great pain. I see shame; I see fear; I see anger; I see dread. I see these things coming from everyone involved. Again, if pride, love, and trust that what they need they can give themselves now as adults were within their reach, would things be able to change now.
What would the world look like without abuse in it. It's time to start finding out. I wish it was a much easier street than it is.
A All are affected
B Beyond Time to Change
U Unacceptable
S Story - Time for a new story
E End the hurt
I believe that if I even ask myself if I wonder if this is abuse, then most likely I am being hurt and it's time for me to change something, anything that is within my power today.
My wish to for us to try not to turn our heads away from the reality of this and let go of fear (even if we pretend to for a moment) and get to our deep knowing of the first step to take.
May we all live a life without abuse of one another. Is there something you can do today to alter an abusive relationship? I certainly want that for you.
I've been thinking about abuse alot lately. It saddens me to think about it. It really is a horrible thing for both parties.
I believe neither one is living their truth or following their happy.
I believe the abused is a victim that ceratinly is not living their own worth. They may not know any other option or way. I certainly wish I could change it for them and today in this moment. I hate the thought of someone being hurt by another person and a person who declares love for them at that. There may be nothing more horrifying.
The abuser may not know any other option or way and is certainly lost and, perhaps, they may not know their underlying worth. They certainly are not being what they were born to be. I think (I do not know) that many abusers are not enjoying their lives either. I think some people may say who cares about the abuser. I think care and love may be the best, if not only, way out of this way of living.
It has to be torturous for all involved. Is it usually fear, pain, insecurity, feeling unloved that is present in these situations. If feelings of self-worth, true love and safeness were put into the mix, would things be able to change more readily or more easy.
I see pain in all the people involved. Great, great pain. I see shame; I see fear; I see anger; I see dread. I see these things coming from everyone involved. Again, if pride, love, and trust that what they need they can give themselves now as adults were within their reach, would things be able to change now.
What would the world look like without abuse in it. It's time to start finding out. I wish it was a much easier street than it is.
A All are affected
B Beyond Time to Change
U Unacceptable
S Story - Time for a new story
E End the hurt
I believe that if I even ask myself if I wonder if this is abuse, then most likely I am being hurt and it's time for me to change something, anything that is within my power today.
My wish to for us to try not to turn our heads away from the reality of this and let go of fear (even if we pretend to for a moment) and get to our deep knowing of the first step to take.
May we all live a life without abuse of one another. Is there something you can do today to alter an abusive relationship? I certainly want that for you.
Emotion/Intellect
I am realizing that while working from my emotional state only and I find myself not getting the outcome that I want or find myself in confusion or turmoil, it is then time to work from my intellect.
We have access to both the brain and the feelings within. Is it better to use them both. I sometimes just 'feel' my way through. Doesn't always work. When I add my brain power, I can reach my goal easier and with less turmoil.
I believe masculine uses brain power first. Feminine uses emotional knowledge first. Not always, but in most cases.
I am going to try to balance this to what benefits me and provides me the outcome/answer I am searching for.
Feel or think or both. All options, yes?
Do you know which you are more prone to use? Want to try it the other way also?
We have access to both the brain and the feelings within. Is it better to use them both. I sometimes just 'feel' my way through. Doesn't always work. When I add my brain power, I can reach my goal easier and with less turmoil.
I believe masculine uses brain power first. Feminine uses emotional knowledge first. Not always, but in most cases.
I am going to try to balance this to what benefits me and provides me the outcome/answer I am searching for.
Feel or think or both. All options, yes?
Do you know which you are more prone to use? Want to try it the other way also?
Darkness
Where I feel darkness, I bring in light. Light shows me the way. Light illuminates the way.
Imagination can be a beautiful, a healing thing.
"If you can imagine it, you can become it." "If you can dream it, you can achieve it."
Let light in when you feel darkness. You have the imagination; the power. We all do. It's just tapping into it.
May you tap into your 'light' today!
Imagination can be a beautiful, a healing thing.
"If you can imagine it, you can become it." "If you can dream it, you can achieve it."
Let light in when you feel darkness. You have the imagination; the power. We all do. It's just tapping into it.
May you tap into your 'light' today!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Confusion
In all this changing and confusion and way out of the box stuff for myself, I am feeling like I've left my readers down. I'm a bit off track. I don't want to feel like this so I need to come up with a question, a thought, or, at the very least, a red word.
Right in this moment, it is all a discombobulated mess for me. I pray I get out of it real soon!
Here is my question, thought for you. I am unable to come up with a single thing. Interesting. Very weird place for me indeed.
I wish you love and strength always. (I'm betting this is what I need most now!)
Right in this moment, it is all a discombobulated mess for me. I pray I get out of it real soon!
Here is my question, thought for you. I am unable to come up with a single thing. Interesting. Very weird place for me indeed.
I wish you love and strength always. (I'm betting this is what I need most now!)
Whew. Going, Going, Gone
That's how I feel. going, going, gone. My head is still spinning and I need to sit with this.
Facing myself and my truth is the hardest thing there is for me as a human being. Accepting is feeling like freedom. Accepting and my truth is dizzying, strange and so out of the box for me.
What is the big deal about just saying life as I know it. Why does it feel so fearful to me; so strange.
The word pretense comes to mind. I look it up and the meaning that strikes me most is 'make believe'. I guess from a very early age I started to make believe about my life and only showed/shared parts of my life and parts of me and this changed from moment to moment, I bet.
Is this what humans are meant to do. Is this, perhaps, what works best with intermingling with other humans.
Really, if we all walked around with our complete truths showing, it would take a lot of time to get anything else done. So, maybe from day to day, moment to moment, we have this innate ability to share, show parts of our true selves and to add whatever make believe we want. This ability is here for a reason, perhaps.
Ok, even I don't want to go here anymore. ha.
Facing myself and my truth is the hardest thing there is for me as a human being. Accepting is feeling like freedom. Accepting and my truth is dizzying, strange and so out of the box for me.
What is the big deal about just saying life as I know it. Why does it feel so fearful to me; so strange.
The word pretense comes to mind. I look it up and the meaning that strikes me most is 'make believe'. I guess from a very early age I started to make believe about my life and only showed/shared parts of my life and parts of me and this changed from moment to moment, I bet.
Is this what humans are meant to do. Is this, perhaps, what works best with intermingling with other humans.
Really, if we all walked around with our complete truths showing, it would take a lot of time to get anything else done. So, maybe from day to day, moment to moment, we have this innate ability to share, show parts of our true selves and to add whatever make believe we want. This ability is here for a reason, perhaps.
Ok, even I don't want to go here anymore. ha.
My Search
Where My Search Has Led Me.
Since I am discontinuing full heartily the search for an answer to be disease-free, I can say I am grateful that I was able and I chose the search to find myself. The drive behind the search was finding an answer to cure my symptoms of scleroderma and what I found was parts of myself that I didn't even know I had. Parts of life and living that were not in my being or in my vocabulary.
The fight is over and acceptance is here.
I am going to list all the things I have tried to get me to the other side of disease. I have failed. I have gained immense knowledge of the known and unknown.
This is my journey so far. I look forward to continuing on.
Does this page look lopsided to anyone else? strange and funny things.
I want to thank my husband for supporting me financially through this crazy, long search of mine. He has never once said no - don't do it, don't spend it, don't take the time; not ever, not once. Without him, I'm not sure I'd be here. I certainly wouldn't be where I am at. I am forever thankful and I love you. You are my rock, the love of my life, my safe zone, my provider. The amount of money I have spent on crazy and non-crazy healing modalities is most definitely astronomical. Instead of two Ferrari's, you have me! Oh boy! I was blessed the day I met you. Thank you.
Since I am discontinuing full heartily the search for an answer to be disease-free, I can say I am grateful that I was able and I chose the search to find myself. The drive behind the search was finding an answer to cure my symptoms of scleroderma and what I found was parts of myself that I didn't even know I had. Parts of life and living that were not in my being or in my vocabulary.
The fight is over and acceptance is here.
I am going to list all the things I have tried to get me to the other side of disease. I have failed. I have gained immense knowledge of the known and unknown.
This is my journey so far. I look forward to continuing on.
Does this page look lopsided to anyone else? strange and funny things.
I want to thank my husband for supporting me financially through this crazy, long search of mine. He has never once said no - don't do it, don't spend it, don't take the time; not ever, not once. Without him, I'm not sure I'd be here. I certainly wouldn't be where I am at. I am forever thankful and I love you. You are my rock, the love of my life, my safe zone, my provider. The amount of money I have spent on crazy and non-crazy healing modalities is most definitely astronomical. Instead of two Ferrari's, you have me! Oh boy! I was blessed the day I met you. Thank you.
Something Weird in the Air
Something is certainly weird here in my air. I can't understand it, know it or get a handle on it. Feels like tension, war, uncertainty. As I sit at the computer, it is very dark outside like rain is coming. Most of the leaves have lost their color and alot of the trees are bare. There is a stillness in the air as well.
I'm not knowing what to do or how to proceed on. Am I at a crossroads? Is it time for me to see scleroderma as staying with me and lose the belief that I will be healed? That I will have a life without this disease? Wow. Didn't see this coming.
OK. Let's just say I will have pain and discomfort for the rest of my life. I will never be able to paint my nails and have pretty hands. I will always have problems picking something up, putting jewelry on, taking dishes out of the diswasher, feeling someone's touch. Is it the end then for me. Certainly not. Do I wish it were different. Certainly.
I sadden thinking of this. However, I know it's time for me to let go of the 30 year old belief that I can make this go away. It is time for me to believe that I can live happily with it.
What would I be like without the thought that I can heal. I would be free to let go of the search and do, live and breathe other things.
Ok. So, here on this post. I am accepting defeat. Defeat of ever being the person I want to be without a disease. I can be the person I want to be with a disease.
Now, to just learn how to be me without the pretense and the waiting for me to be (what I believe) whole.
I can be whole just as I am. (no, not feeling that completely yet, ha).
Truth.? How do I go out and be a 'hot babe' and look and feel good when I have pain, discomfort and inabilities. Oh, so the truth really comes out! The internal love of external beauty. ohhhhhh. Yes, I have it. I love feeling like I look good. I've never put together looking good and having an illness.
Although what comes to mind is when I met another woman with scleroderma and she was sitting at another table talking with a group of people and there was sunlight on her and she looked beautiful.
OK. So I got this. Life goes on. Life is what we make it. Life (I've (got) nothing more. I'm sitting here with my hand on my forehead, elbow on the table.)
Oh the trials and tribulations!
I'm hoping you have better 'air' than I do today!
I'm not knowing what to do or how to proceed on. Am I at a crossroads? Is it time for me to see scleroderma as staying with me and lose the belief that I will be healed? That I will have a life without this disease? Wow. Didn't see this coming.
OK. Let's just say I will have pain and discomfort for the rest of my life. I will never be able to paint my nails and have pretty hands. I will always have problems picking something up, putting jewelry on, taking dishes out of the diswasher, feeling someone's touch. Is it the end then for me. Certainly not. Do I wish it were different. Certainly.
I sadden thinking of this. However, I know it's time for me to let go of the 30 year old belief that I can make this go away. It is time for me to believe that I can live happily with it.
What would I be like without the thought that I can heal. I would be free to let go of the search and do, live and breathe other things.
Ok. So, here on this post. I am accepting defeat. Defeat of ever being the person I want to be without a disease. I can be the person I want to be with a disease.
Now, to just learn how to be me without the pretense and the waiting for me to be (what I believe) whole.
I can be whole just as I am. (no, not feeling that completely yet, ha).
Truth.? How do I go out and be a 'hot babe' and look and feel good when I have pain, discomfort and inabilities. Oh, so the truth really comes out! The internal love of external beauty. ohhhhhh. Yes, I have it. I love feeling like I look good. I've never put together looking good and having an illness.
Although what comes to mind is when I met another woman with scleroderma and she was sitting at another table talking with a group of people and there was sunlight on her and she looked beautiful.
OK. So I got this. Life goes on. Life is what we make it. Life (I've (got) nothing more. I'm sitting here with my hand on my forehead, elbow on the table.)
Oh the trials and tribulations!
I'm hoping you have better 'air' than I do today!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Pain
Pain. I'm struggling with this today. Nothing is in my life at this moment as strong as pain is. I'm tired of feeling it. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of trying to deal with it. I believe people are tired of seeing me struggle... Perhaps, people are not tired of it as much as they are sure of it when they think of me. Hmmmm. This is an assumption. I'm not sure how people feel about my pain. I think they are tired. And, yet, I am just now questioning if it is my tired that I am putting on them. Perhaps, I will ask them how they feel about my pain.
Interesting.....
Oh good - another investigation.
Is there something you are assuming, but would be better off investigating to know for sure?
Interesting.....
Oh good - another investigation.
Is there something you are assuming, but would be better off investigating to know for sure?
Parenting
I wonder how many households have one parent that says to the other parent, in front of the children, 'what's mom/dad bothering you about now'?
Perhaps, united parents are the safest, surest, most easy to understand parents. Maybe children can know best what is expected of them and wanted for them when their parents are united in this. I think it's not easy, at times, for parents to achieve this with two different upbringings. However, is it possible that the same or close to same discussed goals for our children might benefit everyone and allow everyone to 'win' in the family. Could this be the easiest way for the children to grow and understand life until they get out in the world and learn and grow into themselves as adults.
Are you where you want to be with your partner in regards to raising your children? Is there one thing, today, you'd be willing to address?
Good luck. We all need it with this one!
Perhaps, united parents are the safest, surest, most easy to understand parents. Maybe children can know best what is expected of them and wanted for them when their parents are united in this. I think it's not easy, at times, for parents to achieve this with two different upbringings. However, is it possible that the same or close to same discussed goals for our children might benefit everyone and allow everyone to 'win' in the family. Could this be the easiest way for the children to grow and understand life until they get out in the world and learn and grow into themselves as adults.
Are you where you want to be with your partner in regards to raising your children? Is there one thing, today, you'd be willing to address?
Good luck. We all need it with this one!
There is Nothing Better
There is nothing better than having your child tell you they love you.
There is nothing better than having your spouse hug you for no reason.
There is nothing better than 'chillin' with your loved ones or animals.
There is nothing better than coming home.
There is nothing better than a good adventure.
There is nothing better than dancing with your friends.
There is nothing better than driving with the car windows down blasting the music.
There is nothing better than a hike through a beautiful day in nature.
There is nothing better than when your child is really happy.
There is nothing better than being able to pay for all your bills.
There is nothing better than a loving connection to others.
There is nothing better than being you.
I am grateful for all the 'nothing betters' in my life.
Does it feel right to you to make a 'nothing better' list?
My wish for you is to create more and more days of nothing betters!
There is nothing better than having your spouse hug you for no reason.
There is nothing better than 'chillin' with your loved ones or animals.
There is nothing better than coming home.
There is nothing better than a good adventure.
There is nothing better than dancing with your friends.
There is nothing better than driving with the car windows down blasting the music.
There is nothing better than a hike through a beautiful day in nature.
There is nothing better than when your child is really happy.
There is nothing better than being able to pay for all your bills.
There is nothing better than a loving connection to others.
There is nothing better than being you.
I am grateful for all the 'nothing betters' in my life.
Does it feel right to you to make a 'nothing better' list?
My wish for you is to create more and more days of nothing betters!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Am I Having Fun
Am I having fun, but just don't know it? Just maybe, there is so much fun around me and within me and I just am not connected to it.
I think this is possible. I also think I'm nuts. ha.
Are you seeing and feeling the fun around and within you?
Feeling Unsettled
Oh, how I do not like the feeling of being unsettled. I've lived alot of my life feeling this way. Living where I don't want to live; living in two different places at the same time; at times wanting more; sometimes thinking if it was different, I'd be happier.
Why does it feel like when it's not mine or doesn't belong to me or is a part of me - it sometimes seems more wonderful and thrilling and better. As soon as I make it a part of my life, the 'charm' of it sometimes dissipates some. C R A Z Y.
I'd like to know and feel in every cell in my body that whatever is going on with me; whatever I am feeling; whatever I am participating with; it's enough. I am enough. This is life. There is no more 'out there'. Everything I need for living happily is right here with me. I can be happy now as my life is. Out there is an illusion. What I have, feel and am is reality.
Can you choose to feel settled with your life as it is right now today?
Why does it feel like when it's not mine or doesn't belong to me or is a part of me - it sometimes seems more wonderful and thrilling and better. As soon as I make it a part of my life, the 'charm' of it sometimes dissipates some. C R A Z Y.
I'd like to know and feel in every cell in my body that whatever is going on with me; whatever I am feeling; whatever I am participating with; it's enough. I am enough. This is life. There is no more 'out there'. Everything I need for living happily is right here with me. I can be happy now as my life is. Out there is an illusion. What I have, feel and am is reality.
Can you choose to feel settled with your life as it is right now today?
Did Not Like
I did not like writing, and especially publishing, my last post. It sat with me for a while. I was going to delete it; embarrassed by it; frustrated by it.
And, I said not being real is not an option for this blog. This is what came out of me; this is what I share. Didn't like it. And, it's my truth.
Life. How interesting it is.
Are you willing to accept all of your truths in this moment?
Why does it feel easier (at times) not to? ha.
And, I said not being real is not an option for this blog. This is what came out of me; this is what I share. Didn't like it. And, it's my truth.
Life. How interesting it is.
Are you willing to accept all of your truths in this moment?
Why does it feel easier (at times) not to? ha.
Another Day; Another Opportunity
As I awake today, again, I'm in no hurry to get out of bed. My body and mind want to hide under the covers; stay cozy and safe. I don't really want to get on with another day feeling like I'm pushing myself; pushing my body.
It's like my whole body is ringing, vibrating, tense and uncomfortable. Some may call it a strong achiness, I call it screaming. My body is almost always screaming. The skin on my hands and face is so tight and numb. I'm angry that I am still saying and experiencing these same words and feelings.
Again, if I accepted this is the way I feel, would I not be angry. Would I be more happy and comfortable; at peace.
I accept my body screaming. I accept my body screaming. I accept my body screaming. Head back to bed I think. My mind doesn't want that. My body needs that. Apparently, there is not complete acceptance and in-syncness in place yet. Perhaps, I can just accept the non-in-syncness (how's that for a made up word).
I accept not being in-sync. I accept not being in-sync. I accept not being in-sync. Deep sigh, deep breath.
nope - no stand-out miracle today/no wonderful change........ Legs just 'talking' louder. I want to explode. Just did an 'explode' dance. Nope, still screaming.
Accept what is. Not today for me. Oh well. I can accept not accepting.
(maybe this is why I'm exhausted! ha.)
Where is your acceptance level of yourself today?
It's like my whole body is ringing, vibrating, tense and uncomfortable. Some may call it a strong achiness, I call it screaming. My body is almost always screaming. The skin on my hands and face is so tight and numb. I'm angry that I am still saying and experiencing these same words and feelings.
Again, if I accepted this is the way I feel, would I not be angry. Would I be more happy and comfortable; at peace.
I accept my body screaming. I accept my body screaming. I accept my body screaming. Head back to bed I think. My mind doesn't want that. My body needs that. Apparently, there is not complete acceptance and in-syncness in place yet. Perhaps, I can just accept the non-in-syncness (how's that for a made up word).
I accept not being in-sync. I accept not being in-sync. I accept not being in-sync. Deep sigh, deep breath.
nope - no stand-out miracle today/no wonderful change........ Legs just 'talking' louder. I want to explode. Just did an 'explode' dance. Nope, still screaming.
Accept what is. Not today for me. Oh well. I can accept not accepting.
(maybe this is why I'm exhausted! ha.)
Where is your acceptance level of yourself today?
Technology/Progress/Countries
I am in awe that little 'ole me can reach places I never thought possible. How cool and exciting for me that so many countries have tapped into this blog; my blog.
Germany, Poland, Slovenia, Denmark, Russia, France, Netherlands, United Kingdom. I want to thank you all for helping me to feel connected to you. I LOVE IT. It is the coolest of cools for me! I don't even know where some of you are and yet we are connected; even if only in a little way. I am very grateful for this. The United States is the only thing of what I really know and I am thankful and in awe of your connection as well.
My wish for us all is peace, joy, connection, love, understanding and courage to be comfortable in what we do not know; what is foreign to us.
Whether it be a country or a thought; may we all just let it be and allow love to guide us.
Thank you for the connection.
Germany, Poland, Slovenia, Denmark, Russia, France, Netherlands, United Kingdom. I want to thank you all for helping me to feel connected to you. I LOVE IT. It is the coolest of cools for me! I don't even know where some of you are and yet we are connected; even if only in a little way. I am very grateful for this. The United States is the only thing of what I really know and I am thankful and in awe of your connection as well.
My wish for us all is peace, joy, connection, love, understanding and courage to be comfortable in what we do not know; what is foreign to us.
Whether it be a country or a thought; may we all just let it be and allow love to guide us.
Thank you for the connection.
Friday, November 12, 2010
The Same Person
Are you the same person you were when you were little? Do you feel the same way underneath it all? Are you connected to that little you? Is that young you in the adult you?
(here we go)
I remember when I realized I was nothing like the little girl I was. I think I 'killed' her off or 'buried' her away. I did not have a connection to that little girl other than a few memories of her childhood. I did not feel like the same person then and now. That little person was someone I knew; not someone I was. I was astounded to discover this.
I went home and asked my then boyfriend (who is now my husband (crazy guy)) if he was the same person he was when he was young. He said most definitely. Wow. This was a shocker to me.
As I continue on this path; as I learn about myself and allow myself to be me, I am finding and connecting to this little girl again. She is who I am now. How peaceful and exciting and right for me.
I went as far as using my dominant hand to write a letter to my little self; myself as a little girl. I then used my less dominant hand to write a letter from my little girl to my adult self. It was very strange and a little unnerving but my little self was so happy to finally get recognition and someone to care for her the way she needed to be cared for. I think she said "I am so happy you are here". It's been a long, tedious process. However, together we 'rock' and together we share and together we know and give and love. My adult self now has many, many more 'tools' and abilities to guide and love and comfort the little girl inside of me that so needed guidance and love and comforting.
She is my joy and I am her safety net.
I hear that abused children leave themselves sometimes to be able to survive. I guess I did the same thing. I was not physically abused or abused verbally forthright even. I chose to shut down, turn off, not feel because there was too much pain in the adults that were around me. I did not want to create any more pain for them by them needing to deal with me. So I gave up the person I was. My thoughts, my dreams, my needs; I buried or dissolved. I molded myself into what others needed me to be to be able to cope with their lives (as much as I could anyway). I'm sure I wasn't always hiding within.
I rejoice in knowing and being the person I was born as. I am sure I still have a way to go. My guess is that I will always be growing. Connecting with my little self was probably one of the most joyful connections I have made in this lifetime.
Where is your little self? Is he/she right there with you? Dare you talk to her/him?
Not sure this can be done easily without feeling really weird and off the charts at first! Not sure this can be done easily at all. It was not easy for me.
I do know it can be done. With courage, truth, love and acceptance, anything just might be possible.
(here we go)
I remember when I realized I was nothing like the little girl I was. I think I 'killed' her off or 'buried' her away. I did not have a connection to that little girl other than a few memories of her childhood. I did not feel like the same person then and now. That little person was someone I knew; not someone I was. I was astounded to discover this.
I went home and asked my then boyfriend (who is now my husband (crazy guy)) if he was the same person he was when he was young. He said most definitely. Wow. This was a shocker to me.
As I continue on this path; as I learn about myself and allow myself to be me, I am finding and connecting to this little girl again. She is who I am now. How peaceful and exciting and right for me.
I went as far as using my dominant hand to write a letter to my little self; myself as a little girl. I then used my less dominant hand to write a letter from my little girl to my adult self. It was very strange and a little unnerving but my little self was so happy to finally get recognition and someone to care for her the way she needed to be cared for. I think she said "I am so happy you are here". It's been a long, tedious process. However, together we 'rock' and together we share and together we know and give and love. My adult self now has many, many more 'tools' and abilities to guide and love and comfort the little girl inside of me that so needed guidance and love and comforting.
She is my joy and I am her safety net.
I hear that abused children leave themselves sometimes to be able to survive. I guess I did the same thing. I was not physically abused or abused verbally forthright even. I chose to shut down, turn off, not feel because there was too much pain in the adults that were around me. I did not want to create any more pain for them by them needing to deal with me. So I gave up the person I was. My thoughts, my dreams, my needs; I buried or dissolved. I molded myself into what others needed me to be to be able to cope with their lives (as much as I could anyway). I'm sure I wasn't always hiding within.
I rejoice in knowing and being the person I was born as. I am sure I still have a way to go. My guess is that I will always be growing. Connecting with my little self was probably one of the most joyful connections I have made in this lifetime.
Where is your little self? Is he/she right there with you? Dare you talk to her/him?
Not sure this can be done easily without feeling really weird and off the charts at first! Not sure this can be done easily at all. It was not easy for me.
I do know it can be done. With courage, truth, love and acceptance, anything just might be possible.
Where No One has Gone Before
I e-mailed a doctor this morning and asked her if she thought my head spinning and feeling dizzy would be caused by one thought cell going 'where none have gone before'? I answered as well -- yes, correct?
I laughed at myself; I thought this was pretty amusing! I feel like this is brutally true for me. My thought process is getting less and less scared to venture off it's main stream of what I have taught it to do. I am allowing it to go where it wants/needs to go. I am getting closer and closer to who I really am and it's okay. It is not at all easy for me, however. I am finally owning what I feel and think with love. Letting go of the judgment and the constant 'it can't be like this'; it shouldn't be like this; no one else thinks like this; 'they'll think I'm nuts' thinking process. whew.
Where are all your thought cells today?
Is my computer now floating and turning in the air or is that my head? ha. (dizzy and spinning)
I laughed at myself; I thought this was pretty amusing! I feel like this is brutally true for me. My thought process is getting less and less scared to venture off it's main stream of what I have taught it to do. I am allowing it to go where it wants/needs to go. I am getting closer and closer to who I really am and it's okay. It is not at all easy for me, however. I am finally owning what I feel and think with love. Letting go of the judgment and the constant 'it can't be like this'; it shouldn't be like this; no one else thinks like this; 'they'll think I'm nuts' thinking process. whew.
Where are all your thought cells today?
Is my computer now floating and turning in the air or is that my head? ha. (dizzy and spinning)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Gift-Giving: A Thought to Ponder
When we give a person a gift, is it from our own knowing, is it to fulfill our own satifaction and can it make us happy. Is it possible our gift giving is for ourselves, maybe, as well as for others?
I remember way back when I had just given a woman, a doctor of mine, a gift. She immediately got into that me giving her a gift was for my self. My self satisfaction/self happiness/self fulfillment of some kind. I immediately thought she was nuts and asked her to keep going with it.
She explained that she had no idea I was giving her a gift so if I didn't give her one, nothing would change with her life. She went on to say, although she enjoyed the gift and it made her smile, the feeling that I got from giving her the gift was what I really was establishing for myself. I admitted it made me feel good, kind and loving. And, I said "I did it for you though".
We went on and on for one-half hour or so and then I finally got it. I did give her the gift because it was something I thought to do; something I wanted to do; something that made me happy. I did it thinking it was going to make her happy, when, in reality, I really didn't know if it would or not. I did know that it made me feel good.
So, what possesses us to give a gift? Is it our self or is it another? Where does that first and last thought about the gift come from? We first think to give the gift and then we may react to how the person accepts the gift. Is it about self? Does it come from within or somewhere else?
Gift-giving - a thought to ponder, perhaps.
When I first thought about creating this blog, I thought about sharing and helping others to grow into themselves; into being you. In reality, I don't know how other people respond to it. I do know that it helps me immensely with my own growth; faith in my self and trust in my thoughts and feelings. Interesting, indeed.
What does gift giving do for you?
I remember way back when I had just given a woman, a doctor of mine, a gift. She immediately got into that me giving her a gift was for my self. My self satisfaction/self happiness/self fulfillment of some kind. I immediately thought she was nuts and asked her to keep going with it.
She explained that she had no idea I was giving her a gift so if I didn't give her one, nothing would change with her life. She went on to say, although she enjoyed the gift and it made her smile, the feeling that I got from giving her the gift was what I really was establishing for myself. I admitted it made me feel good, kind and loving. And, I said "I did it for you though".
We went on and on for one-half hour or so and then I finally got it. I did give her the gift because it was something I thought to do; something I wanted to do; something that made me happy. I did it thinking it was going to make her happy, when, in reality, I really didn't know if it would or not. I did know that it made me feel good.
So, what possesses us to give a gift? Is it our self or is it another? Where does that first and last thought about the gift come from? We first think to give the gift and then we may react to how the person accepts the gift. Is it about self? Does it come from within or somewhere else?
Gift-giving - a thought to ponder, perhaps.
When I first thought about creating this blog, I thought about sharing and helping others to grow into themselves; into being you. In reality, I don't know how other people respond to it. I do know that it helps me immensely with my own growth; faith in my self and trust in my thoughts and feelings. Interesting, indeed.
What does gift giving do for you?
Quiet Day
In my mind, it's a quiet day. No running thoughts to share, no fighting with myself; my mind seems to be shut off some. Quiet.
Feels different. Feels abnormal. Feels nice.
Quiet, peaceful. No threats to fear, promises to keep, questions to ponder.
Quiet.
Just Be.
How did I get here? Not one particular way. It is as it is.
All is good in my world.
Feel like tapping into your quiet?
Am I asleep? ha.
Feels different. Feels abnormal. Feels nice.
Quiet, peaceful. No threats to fear, promises to keep, questions to ponder.
Quiet.
Just Be.
How did I get here? Not one particular way. It is as it is.
All is good in my world.
Feel like tapping into your quiet?
Am I asleep? ha.
A Dear Friend's Awesome Point of View
My dear friend, who I have known for over 34 years, e-mailed this to me after I told her to look at my answer on my Adrenaline post to her question 'What do I want from life'. This is her response to that.
I posted not sure if it comes off (I still see 0 comments on all my posts; perhaps soon I'll want to figure this out and lose the fear of feedback making me fearful of writing honestly.)
Totally awesome!!!~ We all kid about aging, but aging is a wonderful thing. It gives us perspective. When we're young, we want to conquer. Conquer new things, experience new things, meet new people - yes, it's an adrenaline rush. But as we get older, we get much more pleasure from sharing those experiences we've had with others, with knowing we can count on those friends we've made along the way, and confident in ourselves that if we just want to sit and meditate and enjoy a leaf falling to the ground, then we are comfortable doing that. Because that is joy not everyone is privileged to have. Not the blind person, not the person who died too soon, not the person afraid to go outside, not the person who is in a hospital fighting a dreaded disease. Every moment, no matter how, or how small -- is life. And it's usually the small things that are the most memorable. I love you.
More beautiful words have never been typed. Thank you for letting me share this.
What 'small' thing did you or will you allow yourself to really enjoy today?
I posted not sure if it comes off (I still see 0 comments on all my posts; perhaps soon I'll want to figure this out and lose the fear of feedback making me fearful of writing honestly.)
Totally awesome!!!~ We all kid about aging, but aging is a wonderful thing. It gives us perspective. When we're young, we want to conquer. Conquer new things, experience new things, meet new people - yes, it's an adrenaline rush. But as we get older, we get much more pleasure from sharing those experiences we've had with others, with knowing we can count on those friends we've made along the way, and confident in ourselves that if we just want to sit and meditate and enjoy a leaf falling to the ground, then we are comfortable doing that. Because that is joy not everyone is privileged to have. Not the blind person, not the person who died too soon, not the person afraid to go outside, not the person who is in a hospital fighting a dreaded disease. Every moment, no matter how, or how small -- is life. And it's usually the small things that are the most memorable. I love you.
More beautiful words have never been typed. Thank you for letting me share this.
What 'small' thing did you or will you allow yourself to really enjoy today?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Sometimes We Just Need to Stop and Rest
Sometimes we just need to stop and rest for a bit. Our human body was made to withstand a lot. However, constant running without downtime is not one of them. We cannot optimally function without great sleep and loving rest. Resting out of desperation is not what I wish for us. Resting because we want to and it makes us happy. Now, this is where it's at! There is where you can Be U!
Adrenaline
When I look up adrenaline in the dictionary, epinephrine comes up.
Epinephrine means
Epinephrine means
1.
Biochemistry . a hormone secreted by the adrenal medulla upon stimulation by the central nervous system in response to stress, as anger or fear, and acting to increase heart rate, blood pressure, cardiac output, and carbohydrate metabolism.
I think I lived a lot of my life on high adrenaline. I was always upbeat, highly alert and happy. My love of life and people and doing new things was a constant. I felt like I was always, at the very least, on the verge of fight or flight if not fully engaged. I think I believed (and part of me still does) I felt more alive and living when I was up and running; out and about; planning and building. Stillness to me was boring and not living.
What comes to my mind is a Cranial Sacral Therapist saying to me there is nothing more to life than this, than what we are doing, thinking and being. There is nothing else out there. This is life and living, right here; right now. Those words gave me a sense to stop trying so hard to achieve nothing; to stop wanting there to be more when there wasn't. To accept this as truth.
So, now it was time to come down off my almost constant adrenaline rush. It's time for me now to be with what is. To experience reality and allow valleys and peaks; laughter and quiet.
I sometimes function better in chaos. I sometimes feel more alive when I'm running around with too much to do. I almost feel proud that there is so much going on. When I tell people I'm relaxing and doing nothing - I feel less worthy. When I tell people I'm flying here or there - I feel more worthy. Sitting and doing nothing - not much to talk about it seems. Flying to see a friend or go on vacation or go to a conference - a whole lot more exciting.?
However, they are both living; are they not? Is the balancing of this like the Yin and the Yang. I remember going and going and going and then taking two days off to just lay around and sleep and eat. I did this for years. This was how I balanced it before I was a mom. After being a mom, it wasn't quite so easy to do either one. I let myself become unbalanced. I wouldn't say boredom was an option. Taking off at a whim was no longer an option for me either.
I want to accept life as it is. When my girlfriend asked me what do I want out of life not too long ago; I didn't have an immediate response. I told her I'd get back to her. I have not as of yet.
What I now know that I want out of my life is to share life. Share sitting around and doing nothing with flying to one of my favorite places. I want to do this whether I'm in pain or whether I'm feeling good. I want to let things be and do new things. I want to smile and laugh when I'm happy and cry or be down when I'm sad. I want to be honest with myself and others about who I really am. I want others to be plenty comfortable to share who they really are with me. Nothing more; nothing less. Connection to others might be the most important thing to me.
I also want to learn how doing whatever it is I want to do without turning my adrenaline so high. I can be on low adrenaline and still get the job done. I can be on low adrenaline and still be loving and lovable.
It is what it is and I accept this as life and living. Everything we need, we already have to be happy. Is it just a choice to be happy? If so, I choose happy right here, right now in this moment.
Are you with me?
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