Today

Today I choose to go out and have some fun.  I'm having lunch with my sisters and then maybe a little adventure.

May you do something today that feels wonderful in/for your heart.

Sometimes

Sometimes it feels better to allow and help other people to know their bliss.  I sure feel happy when the 'kids' I love know happiness.

It's right up there after a really good workout and the endorphins are running rampant and the body is completely satisfied and exhilarated.

To see 'my kids' happy and living life makes my heart truly happy.

So, it certainly is okay to lose myself in other people's lives when I know they are living in their happy place.

However, it would just be more preferred if we all could live in our happy place.  I know this is possible.  I have lived it.

I want to encourage, watch and allow people to get their happy on.  I just don't want my head spinning because I give too much of me away.

I want to better balance this.  How do I choose to keep some of me for me. 

May you, mostly, always choose to keep some of you for you.

Direction

It seems like I'm going in every direction but the one I want to today. 

Somedays are just like this AND I'm fighting it.  If I would just relax and go with it.  But, NOooooo.

Everyone is here for me and helping me and I can only focus on their needs.

What is up with that.

How screwy can one person be?

Is it just that I'm done with this way of living and I want to move on and I do not know how.  I want to bring everyone with me; however, this, most likely, is not possible.

Acceptance is key and right now my key is missing....

I've got nothing.....

Reacting

I awoke this morning knowing that it was much cooler outside.  It was approximately 15 degrees cooler outside. 

My arms and hands were tight and swollen.  I went out with the dogs and I felt the cooler air.  However, it was different for me.  I didn't tighten up and become too uncomfortable.  I saw the pool water steaming because the water in the pool was much warmer than the air.

Why do I see dollar signs going up with the steam?  The pool heater is doing it's job.

There are still signs of the storm all around.  Much debris and dying limbs from the trees.  The ground is saturated.  I will not have to water my flowers for some time.

The workers are coming today.  It will be nice to get some of the outstanding jobs done. 

I still feel stuck as to the direction I am going to go.  I know I need change of some kind.  I don't like admitting it AND my worth is tied into this change somehow.  I want to feel like I'm accomplishing and being productive.  I've lost that when my job description as a mom changed.

Again, this is an exciting time and a scary time for me.  Am I ready?  Am I able?  Yes and Yes.  I think so.....

I won't know until I try. 

Are you working on incorporating the change that you desire in your life? 

Baby steps are acceptable.

Key

Acceptance is key.

Kindness is key.

Believing is key.

Trusting is key.

Being You is key.

Do you have your key?

Tarot Wisdom

I picked up a tarot card today from the deck of "The Alchemical Tarot" by Rosemary Ellen Guiley and Robert M. Place.

It was the Death card.  XIII - #13.

"...we are ready for a new beginning.  But death is necessary in order to make a fresh start.  We must allow the old to pass away so that we can usher in the new.  Initiation into the mysteries involves the death of one's old self."

Many things in our lives have beginnings and endings.  It is the cycle of death and rebirth of "jobs, relationships, health, wealth, spiritual growth".  "The trick of keeping steady on the path is knowing when it is time to let go, and allowing Death to claim what it should.  Mourn and give what is passing its due, but do not linger in the grief.  Something new is rising on the horizon."

Another 'coincidink'?   If I had to 'guess', I'd say I was thick in the grief part....

May we all be brave enough to feel the grief part of our lives when it presents itself. 

I am practicing feeling it and letting it go.  This is not an easy feat for me.

Is it the loss of what I thought my life would be and is not that I am grieving....Is it the life I had and no longer do that I am grieving...

Is this reality or is this something I alone created....

Thoughts for me to ponder.

Lost

I feel lost.  I'm not good at doing things the way I used to and I have yet to come up with a new way to live myself on a daily and regular basis.

I do not feel happy.  I am truly lost.  I find it hard to reach out to my doctors that I've known 'forever' and for me to just take care of me does not come natural today.

I so want to do and be better.

I am not in a good place.  I am forcing myself to go to my rheumatoid arthritis doctor that I have seen regularly and frequently since I was 20.  I am tired of not being helped to my fullest potential.   I know that I am the only one that can live my fullest potential and I want it to be easy.  AND, I am finding that it is not always easy.  In fact, it is downright the feeling of impossible at times.

I will keep looking, keep being and keep doing me.  I hope one day soon I am the me that I want to be again. 

I want to feel laughter in each and every cell of my being.  I do not want to feel dread in one tiniest speck of  myself anymore; at least, not on a regular basis.

I have the power.  Now, to figure out how to use it!

May you use your power brilliantly today.

Oh Irene

It is only raining here a bit outside of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA and they are WARNING about very high winds, very high tides and torrential rains.  They are saying that there is possibility that electric can be out for 1 week to 10 days.   WOW.

I pray that everyone is okay and that you find yourself with loved ones and in happy moments regardless of what is may be upon us.

I believe that what happens is going to happen whether I worry or not.  There is no way for me to stop weather so I trust that I will be okay no matter what does or doesn't come about.

I am learning that I still am not owning and standing strong in my beliefs.  I would want more than anything for my daughter to be home with me to ride the storm out.  I got x-nayed (out voted using correct terminology) on this by my husband and daughter and she is over a friends house.  I want to be stronger and get what I want especially when I truly believe it's the right thing for her.

We have a house full of relatives that live near the eastern coast and I am glad they are here and safe.  They create joy and caring for me and I appreciate that it works both ways to have them here.  I am glad and appreciative that I can share my home with them and that I have the space, food, water and safe shelter to share with them. 

I see myself losing myself a bit and I want to do better and be with others and not lose myself.

So, all in all, so far, Irene has been a great learning opportunity for me.  I see the me I no longer want to be AND I see a me that I love and am proud of too.

We will see what the next 12 hours brings and I truly believe this is God, the universe, whatever your greatest truth is, SCREAMING at us and pushing us to be, live, breathe and share our truest form of who we are through love and connection.

May we all be more aware of our inner self, our love and need of each other and our joy that, I believe, this connection can bring each and everyone of us.

May you allow your old 'guard' to wash away and allow and use every spectrum of the light to shine on you and through you to work the magic that is inside of you.  I know it is there.

(whatever this means to you -- to me it means I wish to be the truest of true about who I am, what I feel, what I need, what I fear, what I like and my need for you to do/be/live the same through being/feeling/knowing/sharing yourself with me and all others in your life) 

New Beginnings

Nature showing us the beauty of new beginnings.

Springtime

Anticipation

I think anticipation can be a really exciting thing  - like waiting for a package or a phone call that you are looking so forward to receiving.

I also believe anticipation can keep me stuck like waiting for the dentist appointment or phone call I rather not have.

When it's an exciting circumstance that is going to come to fruition; I love being in it and living in all it's glory.

When it's a downer, my mind and I have been in the dentist chair for days before the appointment and not the actuality of the one hour it really does take. 

Hence, the wonderful power of the "Power of Now" by Eckert Tolle. 

Today, when my head is somewhere I am not - I hope to recognize it and bring my mind/thoughts back to where I actually am in the moment.

And, it just may be possible to turn this.  When my body is somewhere I'd rather not be, can I let my mind go somewhere else?

Are you body and mind in the same place right now?  Is it a choice for you?

Peace in my Heart

With all this chaotic weather around me and throughout the world, I am feeling peace in my heart.  I don't quite know how.   I hear many people freaking out and being 'dramatized' and I pray that people are safe and together.

I trust that the world is where it needs to be today.  I trust that the world is going to find it's way; collectively,  into true togetherness and acceptance.

I pray we all put our true selves 'on the table' and we regroup and learn, know how and live by holding each other up and let go of anything having to do with bringing each other down.

May you be connected to the peace in your heart today. 

Just a Normal Day

It's just a normal day in my life.  I'm home with the dogs.  Crystal, the cat just jumped up on my lap to remind me she is here.

The man of the house is working; the daughter of the house is doing her thing. 

I'm doing the wash, emptying the dishwasher, eating, watching some tube.  Can't go out for a walk today because we are having rain storms, one after the other.  The news is reporting about evacuating the Jersey coast due to hurricane Irene threatening.  Note:  I am not a newswatcher, and when my sister calls me and tells me to put on the news - I listen. 

I did sneak between the raindrops and went down to get the mail.  oooo  I had an 'outing' and I didn't announce it and I didn't check in with anyone...  Oh boy!  My mailbox is at the end of my driveway and it isn't just a few steps.

As I sit with all of this, I feel myself getting 'edgy'.  This is a good sign.   A sign of discontent.  I have an 'itch' starting that tells me it's time again to be more than a mom, a wife, a housekeeper.  I believe these 'titles' and what they represent are my backbone for living and extremely lovely and I want more and I need different. 

There is a 'push' going on inside of me that is telling my legs to get on out that door and BE out in the world again as just me.

My daughter is plenty independent that it is not necessary for me to be mom all the time.  My husband is away alot so I do not need to be wife all the time.  My animals will not know what hit them when I stay out more than 4 hours at a time and they will be okay.

Gosh (did I just say 'gosh'?), I dislike very much admitting that this is what my life has come to.  I chose it.  I created it.  I did want to be a stay at home mom.   It worked for me for 15 years or so.  It is time to move onward, upward, forward and just SOMEWHERE other than where I am at.

So, as I'm living my 'normal' day, I feel a strong rustling inside that is a new feeling for me.  Is it a 'ready' feeling.  Is it a time to move in a new direction feeling.  I think so.

Am I scared - you bet.  Do I know I can do it - you bet.

I trust the process of life and I know I am enough to create whatever my heart desires and whatever I can dream up.  I just have to paint a picture so to speak and bring it to life!  How exciting and 'out in the rain' this can be!

What is brewing inside of you today?

Another Day

Today will never, ever come again. 

What do you choose to experience today? 

Who are the YOU that you want to 'bring to the table" today; show to the world?

I am in the process of creating the person that I want to take into my future with me....Today I will learn more of what feels right in my mannerisms, behavior and thinking and, finally, in my actual doing.

Where I "Sit" Today

I believe being brave is going deep within and acknowledge, feeling and letting go of what habits and things that I continue to do that is not in my best interest.

I struggle with the fear of being turned away, ridiculed, and/or not enough.  As I reach out more and more and this doesn't happen - I get stronger.

I have created people turning me away, ridiculing me and finding myself not enough probably because of my fear of same.  The hardest and bravest thing I have done to date is feeling and acknowedging all that I am and showing it and living it on the outside of myself.

From early on I always said I know exactly what I need and want deep inside of me - I do not know how to get it out here - on the surface of who I am.  I am now seeing myself do this.  First, through my blog (it's amazing the repetition and thoughts that I found out I had that I wasn't aware of.  And, now I am hearing myself state my truth when my truth arises.  I am changing telling myself that my truth is silly or crazy or not as good as someone else's offered truth.  I am letting my truth live.

Is your truth alive and kicking? 

Are you allowing yourself the experience of  all of you?

True Contentment

 I am here fighting with myself, again, that I could be waiting for the contractor without stressing about it.  I could be walking the dog without worrying about the other dogs I am not walking.  I am telling myself I want to do differently and let go of the stress...  and I open an email from a dear friend and it reads:


May you be content with yourself just the way you are..

Where I'm At

I don't know!  I'm not entirely sure in this moment.

Do you know where you are at?  lol

Care to look in the mirror and see if it's you.

Anxious

It's a beautiful, sunny and refreshing day here in my hometown.  Ahhhh.

I seem to be connected to the anxious side of myself alot lately.  I did not fall asleep until after 2.  This bedtime is highly unusual for me.

Within this anxiousness, however, there is an excitement brewing.  I can feel it.

I spent a wee bit of time in my yoga room today and I know that more movement is going to be the 'bridge' from my latest self to my newest self.

Hip hip hooray.

Is there a bridge that is right there in front of you that you want/need/choose to cross?

Where I'm At

After typing the last several posts, my brain is full of information that is so pertinent to me today.

My head is full, my body heavy and yet I have a little happy dance going on inside of me.

I feel confused, tired and unsettled.  AND, there is definitely a happy dance going on inside.

Please do not ask me to explain it.... I cannot.  too tired.  Ha.

May you know what is going on inside of you today; if this is what you wish.

New York City, USA,  Storefront Window

Finding a New Way

From the book "Finding Your Own North Star:  Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live" by Martha Beck.

"Somewhere in the Kalahari Desert, twenty teenage boys of the Xhosa tribe sit together around a smoldering fire.  They are nervous, exhausted, and deeply confused.  Everything familiar to these youths has been taken away from them.  They will never return to the homes where they grew up.  Their childhood clothes and toys have been burned.  Their names have been changed.  Even their bodies have been painted with white ash and clay, so that they don't recognize themselves, let alone each other.  This may sound like an alien world to you, but even if you've never been to the Kalahari, you know the territory these boys are crossing.  Their most important journey isn't across a geographical landscape; they've got to traverse a psychological one.  They are in the first stage of the cycle of change, the place of death and rebirth.  Their lives and identities are in the process of transformation.  And whether you come from South Africa or South Dakota, you've taken this tirp too."

Do we have to let go of the old to take in the new? 

Do you want to?

Quotes from Mark Nepo

"Joy in what we do is not an added feature; it is a sign of deep health."

"Part of the blessing and challenge of being human is that we must discover our own true God-given nature.  This is not some noble, abstract quest, but an inner necessity.  For only by living in our own element can we thrive without anxiety.  And since human beings are the only life form that can drown and still go to work, the only species that can fall from the sky and still fold laundry, it is imperative that we find that vital element that brings us alive."

Quotes from "The Book of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want By Being Present to the Life You Have" by Mark Nepo (I find his words brilliant.)

Quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

An Exercise by Mark Nepo

Mark Nepo suggests:

"Sit quietly, and breathe away the many eyes that seem to watch you.

Center yourself, and breathe away the opinions of your coworkers and friends.

Focus on the unwatched space within, and breathe away the judging eye of your parents or grandparents that you keep so alive in you.

Inhale from the unwatched space, and even breathe away your dreams of recognition and fame.

Inhale from the unwatched space, and feel the attention of life connect you to everything."

Do you dare to connect to everything that stirs the joy in your being?

Mark Nepo Again

So I just getting done writing my last post "Torn Between Two Worlds" and I go to read a little and I switch on Mark Nepo's book "The Book of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have" and AGAIN, it feels like the message is for me.  It's exactly where I'm at in my journey and what I want/need to hear. 

Again, I say to myself  'you can't make this stuff up'.

Hope it's okay, but I'm quoting you, Mark, again.  I just love your way with words and, together, their meaning. 

It's for September 2... "Where Love Is Deep much can be accomplished."  Shinichi Suzuki

Mark writes so eloquently and beautifully:
"Despite our culture's over-emphasis on doing, there is a rightful place and time to get things done.  In truth, there is very little we can not do.  Much of the time we just lack either the ability to envision the dream built or the confidence that we can build it.

I remember early on how my grandmother would encourage me to envision even the smallest dreams down through my hands into the world  She would say, "See it here," pointing to my forehead, and then she would take both my little hands and say, "now see it here."  Then she would laugh and say, "And soon, it will be here".  With this, she would look around the room.

It is an amazing thing about being human that we can feel something inside and then build it in the world.  It seems we have this inborn need to love and to create.  At their deepest, these drives of spirit appear to be the same.  For through her love, wasn't Grandma creating me?  Don't we help birth another the instant we encourage them to see with their heart?  Don't we help birth the world each time we give someone confidence to build what they see with their heart?"

"What instrument shall we be next?"

Mark, You Rock!

Again, are you aware of anything bubbling up inside of you?

I TURN THE PAGE AND this is what I read:

"I imagined like everyone else at school, that my parents were sitting just out of view like those quiet doctors behind clean mirrors, watching and reprimanding my every move. As I reached adulthood, the habit continued.  I walked around constantly troubled by what others must be thinking of what I was or was not doing.  In this, we are burdened with the seeds of self-consciousness.  From this, we trouble our spontaneity and the possibility of joy by watching ourselves too closely, nervously unsure if this or that is a mistake.

It is from the burden of others watching and judging that the need to achieve gets exaggerated into the want for fame.  I remember at different times fantasizing the future gathering like an audience, ready to marvel at how much I had done with so little.  It didn't even matter for what this attention might come.  Just let some form of watchfulness be approving, and I would know relief."

...."my sobs were sobs of relief, the water of a de-shelled spirit soaking ground."

BRAVO

Torn Between Two Worlds

I really FEEL like and know that I'm letting parts of the old me go and trying to find new ways to be and live the new me.  I find it quite challenging and I'm somewhat in the dark.

My brain knows that I want to help others find their way.  The title job description I keep hearing is "life coach".  I see (and always have sensed) myself around a large group of people sharing and learning new paths.  I also see myself working one on one with women in whatever capacity of themselves they bring to the table.  I see myself doing cranial sacral, offering deep questions and plans, and allowing our path to go where they have not gone before.

In both scenarios, it will be where we have not gone before through love, wisdom, fun and serious laughter.  It will be new paths, ideas, sharings each and every time.

There will be physical movement involved.

The thought of a large group creates great fear (again the fear) for me.  I was always afraid of being in front of a crowd.  I used to take 0s in high school to not get up in front of a class...  Wuss that I was and definitely still am.

Yet, when I taught aerobic class a lifetime ago, I got good at it.  I loved watching my clients change in all ways before my eyes (overtime, of course).  When I first went to train for this, my first question was how do I learn to not be afraid to do this in front of people.  The woman from "Jazzercise" (anyone remember this?)said you just have to get up and do it again and again and again.

Fear still has me and it is getting less, I believe,  because I am living my true self.  I offer (as much as I am able) only my true self. 

I am only around my family and some friends.  I am not out in the world where I can get 'hit'.  Someone might question me or downright want to fight me verbally on what I believe in.  This will be my first true test, when and if someone with anger threatens me or tells me I am crazy or doesn't like the way I'm doing something.

My old habit was to question whether they are more right than I.  I now know that they are just different from me.  They don't feel/know/have experienced what I have.  I sure wish meanness and anger didn't have to show up and, yet, I believe that this meanness and anger is only forefront of their own fear/frustration/challenges.

So, as I sit here torn between two worlds, I slowly but surely am peaking my head out and physically pushing myself forward to the next chapter of my life.

What fun and excitement I feel deep down.  Now, if I would just allow myself to let it out.  I'd be rocking!

Is there part(s) of your world that you would like to create/recreate?  Do you feel it 'bubbling' deep inside?

My wish for you is that you let it out!

 

Love Is...

“Love is saying, ‘I feel differently’ instead of ‘you’re wrong.’” -Unknown

Just Laying Low

I'm just laying low.  My whole body is achy and screaming.  My muscles are very tight and my breathing is sort of shallow.

My head is spacey.

I am not enjoying being with myself and I feel I have no choice.

So, I am just laying low.

I do feel my fingers more.  I feel the inside skin where it meets the bone.  The outside skin feels extremely tight and uncomfortable.  I have no throbbing pain.  They tingle.

My back is very much alive and trying to talk to me.  It is especially tight and achy.  From my fingertips to my arms up to my shoulder and along my upper back and neck - the whole 'girdle' seems to be waking up. 

This is the part of my body that all the masseuses and masseurs could never do deep work with me.  If they did, I would feel fear. 

Stretching might be just the thing I need.

What a ride.  I choose not to run from it like my old habit used to have me do.

I choose to be with it; however challenging it feels.

May you choose to do what your body is asking of you today.

Just Being

I'm just going with the flow of life today.  Just allowing things to be and accepting as best I can each and every situation I find myself in.

I'm continually trying to stay the authentic me in each situation.

I am surprising myself some.  I am meeting my own needs.  How brilliant this is for me.  I am learning the way that actually keeps me deep within myself.

I am having more energy and wanting to share myself more with others again.

I moving very slowly as far as finding myself in the world again. 

I'm accepting what is as best I can.

Where is your acceptance level today?

Auto-Pilot No More

I am realizing that I am not on auto-pilot anymore.  It can be a very scary place to be.  For most of my life, I feel I just did and went and moved, enjoyed and conquered.

Now, I feel like everything has just STOPPED and I have to relearn 'me' living my life and how, why, what, when and with whom I live it and share it.

This is really genius and my mind is more scattered and unfocused than ever.  I know what I want deep down inside and it is now FINALLY showing on the outside - my inside and outside me are synched; yet, living on the physical level of this is quite challenging.  (I've had the goal of being able to comfortably share what's on the inside of me (what I knew was true for me) with the outside world for almost 20 years.  I've sat on many 'couches' and seen many 'practitioners'.)

My sight is more narrow than I'd like it to be and my trust in my everyday living ability is limited.  Meaning I am unable to take in all that is around me and available to me and I'm sort of like a child learning how to walk and maneuver around again for the first time.

My internal awareness is having to balance out with my external awareness.  My internal awareness is almost too loud; and as I say this I know it's more about my external awareness having to be amped up and I have to bring this internal me out into the world.  Dang scary I say.

Learning to do things all over again is not my idea of fun or ease even though it surely can be full of excitement and promise.

If I'm not making any sense, it is because I am so deep in the middle of me and learning to be me doing things I love, enjoy, and need to do with this new sense of self - I find my brain not working in tip top shape. 

I see me missing words.   I see me stuck in mid sentence.  I see me incapable of working on auto-pilot.  I am living in my/the world differently.

I am actually and definitely relearning how to live my life.  The life I want to be living. 

How wonderful; how scary; how unknowing I am.

May you evaluate where your auto-pilot gauge is and how you are maneuvering yourself through this thing called YOUR LIFE.

How close to knowing, living and sharing the real you, the BE U are you?  Is there anything you want to change up, admit, release, add-on OR are you close to perfect just the way you are?   Ha.

Truth

Here comes one that isn't easy for me.

I am getting ready to go to a NJ horse show.  Driving up myself and checking into hotel and meeting my daughter and her friend there.  I will only be a couple of days, if that.

However, I have quite a few things I'm telling myself that I want to get done before I go and I am creating so much negative energy around this.  "I won't be capable"   "I won't be able"  (same thing - but added impact - ha)  "I'm scared"   "Will my animals and home be okay"  "Too much to do before I go"

Just be quiet please I say to myself.   I'm sitting holding my head in my hands because I'm getting myself overwhelmed.  Almost paralyzing myself.   ('what a wuss' - oh, do I know how to support myself or what!) 

I know in my being that everything will be perfectly okay (or almost).  I know I will even have fun doing it.  And, I've shut so much of myself down to outside living as I travelled a long inward search that I truly believe I am a new person.  There are parts of myself that I am not comfortable with yet.

I now have to almost relearn and live this me in the outside world.  It's scary only because of my thoughts.

I went into a restaurant last night and ordered take out.  OOOO  Big deal!  Again, I felt reluctance; Fear.  I left feeling exhilarated and alive.  The girl at the register even gave me a 10% senior citizen discount because "it's the only discount available and I want you to come back" (I guess because I talked to her?).

If I am not transforming and growing up again, then I don't know what else to call this but crazy.

Sharing my truth is not always an easy thing for me to do.

Is there a truth today that you want/dare to share?

I can 99.9% guarantee that a real avalanche will not come out of the sky and hit you!
(with the way things are today - I changed it from 100% to 99.9%)  Ouy.

Searching for the Truth

Maybe life isn't about searching for the truth.  Maybe life is about living the truth.

Maybe life is all about being brave enough and true enough to live our very own truth of who we are; what we do; what we feel; what we love; what we need; what we fear; what we struggle with and what hurts us.

What if we were able to admit all of these things?   Would we stop reaching for anything other than joy?

Do you dare put it all on the table; at least to yourself?  Ha.

Chaos

Is there chaos among us or what?  I know of so many people in strong and life changing processes in current life situations. 

What an opportunity for change. Just look at United States government and some other governments.   Whoa boy.  I admittedly have not paid too much attention all these years of my life.  I'm paying attention moreso now than ever.  I seem to more easily connect.  There is something quite uncomfortable about it to me.  I can't quite pinpoint it in a few words.  (I'm sure there are several more different blogs in and of themselves that I will leave for people that find it interesting and inviting.) 

All the natural disasters that have been in the whole wide world.  A lot of crazy and unusual disasters are also showing themselves.

Personal situations are hitting some of us on the head hard; we have no choice but to be aware and pay attention.

Is this a great opportunity for growth, change to a better way and live our true selves or what?

I do see wonderful things also like babies, young people finding each other and starting their lives together, success in marriages, people pulling together hearing and acknowledging each other's strengths and weaknesses.  Support for all living creatures.  More awareness of what we are eating on a knowing where it comes from scale.  People wanting and demanding more peace, calm and togetherness in their lives.

Whew.  Is this 2012 thing about our world ending as we know it -- is this signs of it.

Are we all just either choosing or being forced (may be more like it) to become more present in our lives.

My wish for the world is for us to see and learn what is not working for us and change it to what does work for us.  My wish is for us all to have even more of what we like inside of ourselves and more understanding and love in our hearts for each other. 

Do we all just want to be loved, heard, acknowledged and appreciated?  Let's give this to each other.  I believe it's certainly worth a try.  Are you willing?  I certainly am.  I need it. 

I choose to try my best to come from a place of trust and try not to buy into a place of fear that so many times wants to take a hold of me recently.  I'd like to trust and enjoy the process of life on a much larger scale than fear it and/or be angry about it.

With technology pushing and carrying us forward (and driving me batty at times), is this creating a great opportunity for us all to connect, support and push and carry us together to connect to the beauty of truth that resides within and around us. 

The sun has always been something we have always shared.  Is it now time to share the warmth, love and deepest truth of each other.  Could this be the true epiphany of living.  I want it to be.  Ha.

Epiphany -  a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience (dictionary.com)

Fear

"I will always have fears, but I need not be my fears, for I have other places within myself from which to speak and act."   Parker J. Palmer

"More than anything, fear blinds, and only by stepping without hesitation into the next inch of the unknown can we build confidence in the life we are about to live."  Mark Nepo

Fear can certainly paralyze me.  Fear can stop me in my tracks.  Is fear only in my imagination.  If I step through fear, is it me who is still here.

Perspective Four One One or is it Nine One One

We can look at the same things and see things differently.  We can look at one thing in different ways and each time it will still be a mushroom.

Is our reality what we choose to make it?  how we perceive it?  how we respond?  is our reality almost all about us? 

How is your reality looking?  Is it clear enough for you?

Perspective

I was doing the simple task of taking dog treats, Greenies, out of their bag and putting them in a plastic protective container.

I found myself struggling because they were stuck together because we had stored them in the garage in the hot temperatures.  I immediately found myself frustrated and angry at my husband that I was dealing with this. 

I then found myself saying whoa, I can very easily bring this container back to my husband and he will very graciously separate them and it will be done.  However, I felt myself being completely against (stubborn) having to do this.  I felt frustration that I was unable to easily do it and I realized I was blaming my problem on him.  How fair is that?

They say awareness comes first.  So I was proud that I caught myself not wanting to take the responsibility for what was going on and that I wanted to blame someone else for this 'horrible' situation that I was in.  I now am more aware that I want to (or is it have to) own my 'un-fun' part of my life and incorporate it with the fun, easy parts of my life.  I can slow down enough to allow this to happen and I can accept the blame for my own feelings and reactions.  (OH MY Where is the yellow brick road when I need it?)

I am very proud of myself.  I also (don't want to but have to) admit that in the past, when I lived on my own, I just did what I could to get the job done.  I didn't get frustrated or angry; I just proceeded to do what I could do.  I had only me to depend on and I wasn't going to fault myself for anything. 

Why is it once I had these 'someones' that are 'supposed to love and care for me' that I choose to expect almost everything from them; also expecting them to know what I need and want when I can't even pinpoint it at times. 

Oh, this 'work' can be exhausting, brilliant, fun and definitely life-altering.

May you do something life-altering today to make your life more of the life that is Y O U.

Hermit Tarot Card

The Hermit Tarot Card was the only card in the box that did not want to come out.  Oh?

"The search for truth can be a long and solitary journey.  When the path is not clear, we may wander a bit, but we have divine light to guide us.  We have come a long way on our path and are at the end of a segment of the journey.  Now it is time for solitude, meditation and introspection.  We must turn inwards to examine where we have been and gain perspective.  We must integrate the wisdom we have acquired during our journey."

The Alchemical Tarot by Rosemary Ellen Guiley and Robert M. Place

I am deeply feeling that I have gained much insight and wisdom over the years and it has set me up for this next chapter in my life.  I want to integrate this new me with my world and do good, be good and feel good going forward. 

May what you want and knowing you'll get it go hand in hand today.

Woodpecker

From the book Animal-Speak by Ted Andrews

I saw a beautiful, little woodpecker climbing a tree outback yesterday.  It's whole head was red.  It was quite attractive.  It amazed me that it could walk up and down the side of the tree.  Of course, I took it to mean that it was here to tell me something, so I went to one of my favorite books and this is what caught my attention in the story with the woodpeckers.

"The red found in the head area of any woodpecker relfects a stimulation of the mental activities and the head chakra centers.  It reflects a stimulation and wakening of new mental faculties."

"Sometimes the woodpecker will show up just to stimulate new rhythms.  Rhythm is a powerful means of affecting the physical energies.  Sometimes it is so easy to get wrapped up in our daily mental and spiritual activities that we neglect the physical."  (I have been pretty stationary; first with hopeful healing and then with fear.) 

"All of this serves to emphasize the fact that it will become increasingly important for you to follow your own unique rhythms and flight.  Do what works for you in the manner best for you.  When woodpecker comes into your life, it indicates that the foundation is there.  It is now safe to follow your own rhythms.

I think I might be starting to move onward, upward and forward... Look out.  Ha.

May you always trust yourself, along with the greater power of the universe, to move you onward, upward and forward when you are ready (or even when you just want to be). 

Where I'm At

I feel like I am in such 'groundbreaking' territory with my life that I have so much I want to share and it's all flying around in my head.  I believe that my actual body chemistry and brain responsiveness is transforming my thoughts and who I currently am.  I am resistant to it.  I am having trouble grasping it all.

I do not like admitting that I am struggling with, what feels like, sanity, certainty and the unknown of it all.  I do not like admitting or living the negative parts of my life and what I have created.

I am trying to integrate both the good and the bad happily.  I am resistant to the bad.  (BIG SURPRISE!)

I am having insights of almost having a cap on the inside of the top of my skull that shuts me off to life.  I am opening up and believing that there are different ways to perceive everything.  If I choose to perceive things in a way that makes me feel my best, it's easier to move forward and have fun doing it.   If I cannot do this in a particular moment, I want to be okay that this is where I'm at and let myself work through it.  I do not like being frustrated and angry that this is how it is.

I am seeing signs and feeling the truth that it's time for me to get on with the physical (ACTION) side of who I am.   I hear my inner voice saying get downstairs and spend more time on exercising, dance and/or movement and I see myself not listening. (this is especially fun admitting this)

I want it to always come easy and for me not to have to work to make things happen.  I just want 'it' to be here in my life already.  I don't want to have to learn the new and better way of living me as I am today.  I want it to come automatically.

I can't always get what I want!

So, this is ME - TODAY - in a nutshell.  I hope I can better explain my reality that would be more interesting or enlightening for you.

When you feel muddled, may you believe it, hear it, trust it and go with it.  May you, then, end up on the positive side of  your 'muddleness'. 

One Year Today

Today is one year since I started this "Be U" Blog.

I saw the movie "Soul Surfer" this weekend.  It was very inspirational, thought provoking and entertaining to me.  I thought 'they' did a wonderful job with the story.  I rate it a 5.

The movie was about the Hawaiian girl, Bethany Hamilton, whose love of surfing was threatened when a shark attacked and took her left arm while she was sitting on a surfboard in the ocean.

From the movie, I sensed a strong bond of community.  I liked how I could see the people hearing and sharing what each other really had to say and what they felt and needed.  I could feel the energy of love coming from the story.  My heart became lighter.  My connection to the world felt stronger.

It reminded me of my wedding in Kauai, Hawaii 20 years ago.  The beauty of Hawaii is unmistakable.

I thought "Soul Surfer" was brilliant on many levels.  When the words came up at the end of the movie --  "The End  ... is just the beginning."  I surely believe it can be so.

I am truly hoping that with the end of one year of blogging, I can choose to let go of what is hurtful to me and embrace what is only my true being.  I am hopeful that this can be a new beginning for me to know joy, trust of oneself and fearlessness as I replace old patterns with new ones. 

My wish is that we all know the sense of connecting to each other through our true selves and may we have faith that we are enough just by being ourselves. 

I want to thank my friends, relatives, acquaintances and all the unknown people who have read my posts up to now.  Your support and my connection to you in this way has helped me grow deeper than I knew possible.  Knowing that you were here on the other end of my words encouraged, inspired and made it fun for me to explore my Be U-ness.  I would be highly elated if I knew one post touched the fingers to your soul. (I find it extremely interesting how the word 'fingers' came up while typing this!)

My wish for you in this moment is that you choose to stay connected to your own needs and desires and you allow and support others to be who they truly are.

I know if we all did this; we could change our own world.

Are you willing to take the chance?

Mark Nepo, Genius at Work

From "The Book of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life you Have" by Mark Nepo

August 25

"Love Is in the Being"
"The center I once glimpsed is all around me, a landscape I now live in, and I will not pretend any more.  If those I love can't recognize me with my soul out in the open, I will no longer retreat and show what is familiar."

"You do not have to do anything to be loved.  You do not have to perform, or achieve, or earn a merit badge, or be witnessed doing good.  It has taken me almost half a century to learn and believe this.  It is my work to this day.  For our messages to the contrary are deep."

"This has led me to another realization of heart:  Being who we are does not let others down."

"Certainly, true compassion begins with the consideration of others, but the displeasure of others is not reason to muffle your love.  You do not have to do anything to be loved, and being who you are does not let others down.  This needs to be repeated, and often.  Simply be who you are, and love what is before you."

BRAVO!  I say BRAVO! 

May you try each and every day to embrace your true self more and more.

Thunder

I hear thunder coming upon me again.  It is getting dark and eerie.  It's very cool because I am inside and it cannot hurt me.  We have had many rainstorms in my area of the world this week. 

I am learning that I do not need to wait until my inner voice is as loud as thunder for me to hear it.  I am learning to choose to hear the quietest of whispers as well. 

I am learning when I listen inwardly to my own-ness and do not write it off as non-sense; I got it!

You know you got it when you connect to your own needs.

My wish for you today is that you connect and give yourself something BIG that you truly need in your life.

 Whether it be a change; a truth; a rest or a movement.  

Hyoid Bone

I got another 'massage' the other day and for some reason the hyoid bone stayed on my mind.  I've been feeling and nuturing it and I couldn't seem to stop thinking these two words -  hyoid bone  (I have to admit, they seem like fun words to me).  I learned about it while taking cranial sacral courses.  It is in the throat.  We learn to release it by touch to help with chewing, swallowing and speech.  It may help to release the musculature and connective tissue of the face and neck. 

Hence, I finally listened to myself and did some more research and this is what I found most interesting...

"This bone is shaped roughly like a horseshoe, and it nestles in the throat below the tongue. This bone is also sometimes called the "lingual bone," in a references to the fact that it gives humans the power of speech. The term "hyoid" comes from the Greek hyoeides, which means "upsilon-shaped." The Greek letter upsilon is shaped much like the Roman letter U.*
*wisegeek.com 

I took this to connect with Be U and the life with horses my daughter loves so much.  And probably, most importantly, it's time for me to speak and use my voice instead of just typing who I am.  (ooo, scary)

Interesting as all get out!

May you pay attention to your repetitive self today.  May you learn something fun, interesting and/or helpful to being you.

So Much in My Head

I have so much in my head that, I feel, needs to be put  into words and, yet, I feel a resistance.  I feel scattered in my brain and in my way of thinking.

It's about me not having the best attitude to incorporate a more wholesome ( healthy and sound - dictionary.com), happier life.  It's about me not being the old me anymore and, yet, not having a new me to live through.

It's about that I find myself no longer on auto-pilot and, yet, I find this way much harder, at times, to maneuver my way throughout the day. I am having to be present to carry on in each and almost every moment. 

This is what I've been after.  This is what feels unknown or foreign to me.

Processing.......

May you know that what you are feeling, thinking, responding to right now is 'YOU'.  My wish is that you pay attention to whatever it is that is present and see where it takes you.   'YOU' is what is right for YOU. 

Good luck with that.  Whew.

Conflict

To be in conflict with oneself...

 Is this the least favorable conflict to be in?

May you be in perfect harmony and agreement with yourself today.

Poetry at It's Finest

"The Book of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life you Have" by Mark Nepo

This book has brought me great joy and it amazes me how when I open to read the next segment - it's almost exactly what I need to hear.  Very enjoyable to me.

"It is a mysterious and strenuous and simple practice:  to walk when we are able and be still when we are not, to bleed the dark that builds within us, and trade it for the light which is always waiting.  Despite all our limitations, the most crucial challenge of being human is to show up like a rose."

"be comforted by the fact that even when you can't see, your spirit does not stop shining, your heart does not stop singing, and you life does not stop opening."

Few More Excerpts

Excerpts from the book "Finding Your Own North Star:  Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live"  (Marth Beck)

"You never hear about truly self-actualized people, like Buddha or Christ, telling people they're stupid losers.  It goes against the nature of enlightenment."

"Detaching, finding your true path, and becoming a whole, strong person will put you in a much better position from which to influence them than staying locked in a dance of futile control efforts."

"Anytime you think you don't know what you want, it's because your social self has decided you shouldn't want it."

"Real fear is easy to distinguish from the phony varity because it has a clear source and motivates clear action.  Fake fear is a blanket anxiety or worry that doesn't mobilize; on the contrary, it paralyzes."

"It may be strange that the function of grief is to heal, because sorrow can make you feel as though you're being torn apart, cell from little tiny cell.  Nevertheless, there's a good reason psychologists call sadness "the healing feeling."  People who follow grief through its whole course emerge stronger and healthier, more able to cope with the inevitible losses that affect every human life.  In the end, they become sources of wisdom and compassion for themselves and everyone around them."

Amazing, good, brilliant thoughts/lessons.  Thank you Martha Beck.

Are you allowing what is inside of you to process through you?

Whose Power Is It Anyway

From the book "Fidng Your Own North Star:  Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live" by Martha Beck.

"I know we all have a psychological tendency to give unwarranted power to certain individuals."


I'd like to stay connected to and own my own power and I'd like to support others to do the same.

If we all just owned our truths, hurts and needs - would the world be better equipped to help us with them?  How do we know if we don't dare to try?

May you be willing to own your power and show your truth, hurt and need today to a safe person.

National Breathing Day

All we really, really have to do is breathe. 

Let's just choose to have a day that the only thing we have to do is breathe.  If it's impossible to take a whole day of not doing anything you do not want to do; take the maximum amount of time you are willing and able to give yourself and just do what you really, really need to do.

And, this is BREATHE.

Without breath, well I know you know what happens.

May you be one with your breath today.

"Breathe deeply and let your inner and outer attention go in the same direction."  Mark Nepo

Locusts Are Back

It's that time of year again.   The locusts are back 'singing' in the trees.  My very first post was about the Cicada (locust family) and their possible meanings.

As I was walking Durby dog today, I noticed them.  I've been hearing them for about two weeks now; paying attention to them and trying to figure the affect they had on me, if any.

Today, the word 'buffer' came to me.  Their song was like a buffer to the sound of the lawn mower; the sound of the mean laughing on the roof.

I realized that my inner voice is a buffer to the outer world.  By living my inner knowing, I can choose to allow it to be a buffer in my life to the world outside of myself.

How beautiful this sounds to me.  Now, just to incorporate this.

It is a far distance from not tolerating the sound of the cicadas last year.  (See post "The Cicada" for more information.)

How grateful I am.

If you are where the locusts are singing - what is their affect on you, if any?

In what ways are you connected to your true inner voice?  Do you hear it, know it, listen to it and respond favorably?  My wish is that you are and that you do!

Running

I seem to be running from my truth; my feelings.  It seems like I'm not allowing myself to own my uniqueness and that I am completely lovable just the way I am, think, feel, live.

To accept all of myself right in this moment...  I really, really want to.  My head and heart are here.  It's some of the 'cells' in my body that are resisting it seems.

I am working on this and I know I will get here.  I do not really know what is holding me up other than old beliefs; old what I thought were truths and probably never were.  I just bought into them.

Like - if I act a certain way - they are coming to take me away.  Don't embarass yourself and act that way.  Sayings like that.  Fear like this.  Things I bought into that were not mine.

I know 'just letting them go' is my answer.  I have to figure out how.  Some will say no I do not; just do it.  AND, if I could just do it - wouldn't I...

I am no longer going to run and be mad at myself for buying into this.  It made me who I am today.  AND, today, I really can and do 'rock'.

I have to; I want to; I will walk through this door as well.

Is there a 'door' right in front of you that you dare to walk through? 

Is it time to stop running or ignoring a certain 'thing/situation' and walk right through it for the fun of it.   Ha.

7 of Diamonds

The playing card 7 of Diamonds can stand for 'consistent effort eventually pays off'*. 

I just looked it up and how interesting.

My wish for you is that you are allowing and seeing your efforts pay off.


*from sympatico playing card meanings

Endings

On August 14, it will be one year since I made my first post.  I am wondering if it will be time to call it quits.

Have I, for now, spent enough time on pondering thoughts, feelings, questions and taking some action to learn more about where my being comes from and what I am made up of.

Is it time for me to stop delving into what I'm made up of and just jump into living and experience myself; the me I will be on August 14, 2011.

All we have is today.  Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not here yet.

Will I be better balanced if I just let go and let me be me as I am.  Is it time to turn off the mental research and turn on the physical doing.

I believe it's better to do both in harmony and unison.  However, I have taken some time off to explore new thoughts, ideas and patterns.  Perhaps, it's time to use these and put them into action and see where I end up.

I don't know.   And, it could be very exciting.

How is the balance of your pondering and your actions?  Is it working for you? Are you where you want to be?

What can you do right now for you to be where you want to be...

In truth, a few people are telling me to stop thinking so much.  I'm also feeling like I'm losing my mind a bit.  Am I contemplating quitting because people are telling me to.  Am I thinking of calling it an end because I don't want to go where I may need to go next (and I honestly do not know where this will be).

Oh, the apprehension...



 

Family Dynamics Oh My

I'd like to elaborate on my own experience with family dynamics.  I believe that when I started a relationship with family members at a very young age; I did not allow the relationship(s) to grow with me and I did not bring my adult self to the table, so to speak, on more occasions that not.

I kept bringing the same young girl to the relationship and I did not allow the relationship to grow, prosper and realign as I grew, prospered and realigned within myself.

I stayed a youngster in the relationship and I taught my other family members that this is who I am bringing to the table. 

I did not know that I was not bringing my adult sick (slang for cool) self and I allowed the relationships(s) (in a large part) to stagnate and remain the same as if I was still the child.

I am now fighting to bring myself, as I am today; with the needs (and gifts) I have today 'to the table'.  I am finding that it is not the easiest integration.

However, it is pertinent. 

Are you bringing the today's version of YOU to your family table?

Get Up and Go

I think my get up and go must have got up and went...

I'd like to get it back and start new adventures and have new experiences and dare to incorporate new ideas.

I'd like my get up and go to excitedly live in me and involve me in new opportunities and use me for the good of our world.

I'm ready to move on to the next chapter of my life.  How do I get it from inside of me to my physical being. 

I guess time will tell as I lovingly push myself forward.

May you be connected to what you need to experience now and allow it to happen.

Uncertain

I hear what I tell myself and I am trying to 'weed out' all of the words, phrases, and sentences that are no longer true; yet stick with me like glue.

I am trying to replace them with different sayings, different meanings - joyful, helpful, loving thoughts.

It's hard to admit that I've been hearing/saying things so hurtful AND that I've never said these phrases to anyone but myself.  I hurt myself.  I am mean to myself.  I am careless to myself.

If I said these things to my friends - I bet I wouldn't have many....

Today, I choose to be my own very best friend.  (Let's see how this works out! Ha)

May you be your very best friend today.

  I'm going to look in the mirror and give myself all types of loving, kindful and supportive praises.  Hope to 'meet' you at the mirror.

It's interesting how I titled this post - "uncertain" and this is what I wrote.  Is there something in me not sure I can do this.  Well, I say I CAN and I WILL. 

Feeling Connected

I am learning that FEELING connected to people is what brings me most happiness.  If I have a disconnect with the most important people in my life, I feel like I'm disconnected from life.

Is this telling me that there is a disconnect to myself or is it really people that I need to BE ME with that makes me feel most alive.

I believe this is the BALANCE word that may just be knocking me on my head again.

I love being alone and I love being with people.  I do not like losing myself when I'm with people.  I like being myself when I am with others.

This might come back to the old saying I used to play with alot.  What did you learn in school today?....SHARING.

Mmmmm.  Sharing you; sharing me.

Is this what living is all about to me.

May you feel balance by sharing deeply with another today.

For the Fun of It

I knew I had a guest that I was picking up and bringing to my home that may take more energy than I currently had.  For the fun of it, I picked three Tarot cards* and, interestingly enough,  below is what they represented.

1.  Strength - 'This is a card of inner strength."  "Her power, as is ours, is love."  "Power comes when we love our selves, and to love our selves totally we must love our animal selves."

2.  Six of Vessels - "The message reminds you that loving means to nurture and give what is needed."  "However, love cannot be forced on someone; true love is to give what is needed to nurture and create strength."

3.  The Star - "The star represents a secure guide to a higher level of consiousness.  It is the Higher Self emerging from the unconscious.  The Star indicates a sense of balance and of wellbeing."  "It represents the nurturing of the Great Mother:  of ourselves, and of others.

After a long overnight visit, I drove my guest 80 miles back to their home and I arrived home alone tired; I thought - 'why not - pick one more card for the fun of it'.  This time the card was

4.  Knight of Vessels - "The message here speaks of the attainment of emotional satifisfaction.  But, when questing into emotions and the unconscious, do not go off foolishly into the depths."  "Open your eyes to what is around you."

I got a laugh.  I processed all this information and played with it and transposed it into this understanding for myself.  It came out something like this:  while I want to nurture and love others, I do not want to lose myself while doing so.  I ended up giving more of myself and losing a healthy balance within myself; hence the message of going foolishly into the depths of another person's needs.  My unconsious habit (of not saving enough reserved energy for myself) entering into my conscious mind is what will get me closer to living a healthier; happier, more fulfilled me.  In turn, this will enable me to be the best nuturer I can be.

Whew.  Perhaps, too much information!

May you turn some of your negative unconsious habits into your awareness so you can then choose what you want to do about them, if anything.  

                                                  Picture by ImPerfec 3


*Tarot Cards by "The Alchemical Tarot" by Rosemary Ellen Guiley and Robert M. Place

VISIT

I had a person that I've know my whole life stay with me these past 38 hours or so and I am not too happy of a camper.  I am exhausted.  My old self kicked in and tried to give this person everything they expected or wanted.  I messed up.  I did wrong for me.

I am now paying for it.  Exhausted and a bit angry at myself for not doing better.

Habits are hard to break.  AND, I'm going to break the ones that do not work for me any longer.  It's time for me to dissolve the old habits that are hurtful to me in my present life. 

Bad news is - it's up to me.

Good news is - it's up to me.

I have more awareness.  I have learned, again.  I will do better next time.  I can even choose to not have a next time with this person.

I'm too tired to think about what I'll do down the road.  I am going to sit in my failure and feel it and remember it so I will not live it again.

Are you learning from your mistakes or are you allowing yourself to make the same ones again and again?  When is it time to change what hurts you?

Healthy

Is the best way to be healthy to listen to your inner voice.  Rest when it wants you to rest; play when it wants you to play; do work when it wants you to work, etc. etc.

Is the best way to be healthy living in balance.  Balance in food, movement, laughter and seriousness.

Is the best way to stay healthy listening to your own inner knowing; or giving your life/power to other people's ways.

Is the best way to stay healthy draining yourself of every last bit of your own energy or keeping of reserve of it for yourself?

How's your 'healthy' today?