Ultimate Goal

From the Facebook page of Joshua Tepania

"ULTIMATE GOAL"

"I had lost count how many times a day would my heart break.
I had become accustomed to the feeling of heart ache.
I did what I did to survive. I stepped up and took my chances.
My life has been a whirlwind of ever changing circumstances.
...

The darkness within me arose when strong emotions hit hard.
It was an automatic reaction from a heart that's been scarred.
My demon was always lingering just beneath the surface.
It's devastating tendencies no longer have a purpose.

My life could have ended in a multitude of different ways.
I made the choice to live and I even started to pray.
Once I looked within myself, I knew, to others I had to give..
Giving for the sake of giving is the most righteous way to live.

No longer will I hide from myself, no longer will I run.
The mad days of avoiding the Truth of my life are done.
I confronted all of the issues that were consuming my soul.

The complete understanding of myself is the ultimate goal."
~ Joshua Tepania

I love this.  We all have something that is difficult in our lives.  We all have grown and changed through living and life.  "Giving for the sake of giving is the most righteous way to live."  Nice!  This 'giving' includes to one's self.  Filling your self up is vital to being and giving all that one can. 

My ultimate goal is to have what is on the inside be the same as what I show and live on the outside of myself.

May you know your ultimate goal and succeed.  May you allow this journey to fulfill you and be open to what it is.  I support you in this.

 

Miracle

Just checking in as I have my awesome sister and friend here visiting.  We are 'playing' in the sunshine and enjoying celebrating my sister's birthday!

I want to remind you that You are a miracle....

May you let your miraculous self happen.  May you get out of the way and be the miracle that you are!

                                               

 

Sister, Sister

My sister is flying south!!!!!  I haven't seen her in almost 2 years.  And previous to these two years, I saw her every day when I was in Pennsylvania.  We have been through much change, growth, hardship, loss, and love together since I have seen her last.  I cannot wait to hug her.  She is flying south! 

She is leaving the cold, frozen 'tundra' and coming to the tundra that is alive, full and dancing.  Oh, what a beautiful life it can be.

Currently, we, here, in the southeast of the United States are also having unusually cold weather.  Brrrr.  Good news is it will be gone in a day or two.  Bad news is it won't be gone for a day or two!!!!  hoot and how true it feels...

My body is full of tightness, achiness, and feels like it is screaming.  I'm witnessing it all from within myself.  I'm stretching to my toes and every which way my body will move.  This helps greatly and for some reason, my body still constricts back to more tautness than is comfortable.

I breathe.

Would I create this challenge for myself....   I don't know... have I...   I know I have gotten goodness out of it.   I know I have used it to get me things I've wanted or not wanted and blamed these 'achievements' on the dis-ease.  I've gone deeper within than I ever knew I intended to and without the pain that I experience(d), it never could've been possible.

So, I carry on.

My wish is that you continue to carry on and carry only the truth of yourself and how you are today, in this minute.  May you let everything drop away, that is not (truly) in your present life, as you build your life from inside of you out....  Good luck and may you know you have you.  Because when you know you have you - you really, really do....

May you leave the 'cold, frozen tundra' of your life behind and may you come alive, fullfilled and dancing (or whatever makes you feel most alive). 

I believe in you.

Namaste'

Hooked, Lined and Sunk

Hook, Line and Sinker is a phrase about being tricked and deceived; perhaps, baited and caught.   I am feeling, deeply, the feeling of being hooked, lined and sunk.

And, as I type this, through this feeling of same, I am also allowing myself to dig deeper and be even more real out loud than ever before.

My body has a disease.  Today, it is mine to own.  I've had it for a long, long time.  There is no sight of it changing.  I'm not the professionally dressed woman in heels that I thought, perhaps, I could get back to.  I'm not the woman who can easily do things like doing her hair, putting on make-up, turning a spigot, or opening a window.  I'm not the woman with intensity or endurance when it comes to movement or exercise.  I'm not the woman who wakes up in the morning and doesn't stop 'exploring' and 'doing' until I fall into bed at night.  I am not her.  Perhaps, I once was.  Perhaps, I thought I could be her again.   I cannot.  I am not.  I will not.  This is a tough pill to swallow for me. 

I am a woman that cares greatly about the human race and each individual in it.  I am a woman who has gone deep within to really know herself and to connect to everything that is.  I am a woman that wants peace in the chaos and gets it from time to time.  I am a woman who has helped many (I hope) find there own peace within.  I am a woman that understands and feels another's pain.   I can also not understand it completely and still feel it and know empathy and compassion.  I am a woman who can go below (or is it above) the humanness of a situation and feel the spiritual involvement happening.  I can see a big picture when I am stuck in a moment.  I can offer a more whole, loving or different insight into many hurtful situations. 

I have grown into this woman as I can no longer be the woman I thought I desired to be.  I am learning to embrace the greatness of this new woman that I meet every time I look in the mirror.  I am learning to honor, accept and love her.  I am learning to bring her with me out into our world with no facade (well maybe still a little) and only love (and maybe a bit of fear just now). 

I am who I am because of my experiences, my paths I have taken and that have taken me; and because of how I've reacted, watched and have grown from the inside out by choice, hard work, exhausting days and really freaking great moments.

Just as you are who you are because of same.

May we individually honor ourselves; our uniqueness.  May we, together, (within and through this support of self-honor and uniqueness) create the life that can be fulfilling to all humans as much as humanly (and perhaps even below (or is it above?!)) human as possible [which would connect us all at the depth of ourselves where we already are all one].   This has been a wish/goal/knowing in my soul and all of my cells from the day I came into this world in human form; and possibly even before. 

Let's just all be who we are, lovingly, and see what happens.  Love yourself, your truth and others on! 

Just maybe - Hurt people hurt people.  Healed people heal people.

May we evolve into our greatest selves together.

                                                    Picture by Andreea Petcu
 

Love and Peace

Happy Valentine's Day!  Let your love flow through you.  Let the door to your heart swing both ways.  Allow love; only love.   You are worth it.

May you allow your life to flow with love and peace.

Self-Love

Self-love is trusting yourself to give all that you are.   

Be your truth.  Speak your truth.  Share your truth.

If you feel one way, share it.  It you think one way, speak it.  If you stand strong in something, be it. 

If you are misunderstood, explain it.   It you are not being heard, say it.  If you want to share your love, do it.   If you feel hurt, reach out.  If you are afraid, look for guidance and/or comfort. 

It may not always work out the way you want it to.  It may take a different route.  You may get uncomfortable feedback.

However, stand strong in who you are.  Love yourself through and whatever road that shows itself to you is the best road for you.  How awesome is this!

And, in my experience, it has turned out way more positive than not; in the big picture of my life. 

It is my experience that even when life takes an unexpected turn or detour, I still end up okay.  As I love myself and trust myself to be ok no matter what, I can know inner peace and I can be at peace.

When I know peace, I have more love and ease to share.  Wonderful, amazing things show up.  Connections and confirmation happen.

When we self-love, we love; period. 

May you love yourself as much as you can in this moment and work towards loving all of you with every breath you take.  Be love.

May you look at the person in the mirror and tell her/him how awesome, wonderful, rockin' they are! 
May you tell your self...  "I love you with everything that I am"
... or whatever loving statement(s) is(are) apparent in that beautiful mind of yours. 

May you know self-love.

Doctor Doctor

I went to the neuroscience doctor ('brain training') with my 'dark' self today.  While sitting in the waiting room, I was wondering what I was doing there and what my goal was other than to feel 'brighter'...

It worked!  somewhat...

She came up with, perhaps, some of it has to do with SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I said I'm In Florida!  and, apparently it hits people here as well.

Yes, since my early teen years (9th grade), I can remember being a different person in the summer than I was in the winter.  Very different.  Bright, upbeat, loving life in the summer and quiet, busybody, working two jobs (hibernating) in the winter; for the most part.

She offered for me to try 5-HGT; an amino acid that helps elevate and stabilize mood by helping the serotonin levels to work more favorably by transmission.  I have tried this in the past.  I am very willing to try it now.

We talked about some bad experiences I had in the brutal cold and we talked about thanking people that have changed my life forever in ways I never could've anticipated especially people that I love dearly.

Struggling is not fun.   I'm sure it is not fun for anyone.  There are some of us that are more used to struggle and almost feel like there is no other way of living through life than with struggle.  And, there are some of us that want to hide, numb, and/or run from struggle.  Some of us whine.  Some of us do it in silence.  Some of us know balance.  Some of us do not.  We all struggle.   It is a part of our human experience.

May I offer to embrace this struggle that beckons you.  Delve into it;  feel it, know it, allow it.  Let this 'knowing' of it; this experiencing of it, carry you towards the whole truth of who and what you are about.

I'm starting to believe that 'struggle'; hardship, loss, pain, misunderstanding and learning through lack of communication are all ways to bring us closer to our truest of self.  Without this human trait, we would not delve deeper into our inner being.  We would not grow, evolve or breathe into all that we are possible of.  Struggle just may be a human gift.   What would life be like if we started to see/feel/know it as such...

May you look at your own struggles in a positive light from time to time and engage into them to evolve into everything that you are.  Perhaps, even try on gratitude for them...  You matter.

Dark

I am in the 'dark' or what feels like darkness.  I'm having a pity party for myself and I am thinking extremes.  Everything is hard.   Nothing is easy. 

When, in truth, and as much as I dislike admitting it just now in this darkness, not everything is hard; there are a few things.   There are some things that are easy.

And, in my being, because I feel like I do...  I want to wallow in poor me. 

My dog threw up on the bed, my husband has been away traveling to beautiful places, my daughter is going to school and being with friends, my cat is at my arm bumping on it for me to rub her and I feel weak and worn down.  My ears are ringing and my whole mouth is hurting for some reason up into my sinuses. 

We are getting temperatures that fluctuate 20 degrees each day and my body is participating with same while my mind doesn't want to 'play the game' because the fluctuation hurts my body.

Just taking the sheets off the bed was hard for my fingers and I'm so tired of taking medicine for this pain that is STILL HERE.

My mind seems to not be working clearly as I say words that I don't mean to say. 

I'm in (what feels like) a real conundrum.

With the 'ease' of the internet and everything password protected, I do not even know how to easily change my mailing address with ITunes.  I am sure it is easy peasy and I won't let myself believe that just now.

This 'ease' in the world doesn't always feel as such.

So, I wake up on this Sunday morning crying (as well as I can because I usually never have tears), frustrated, angry, hurt, wanting to blame outside of myself and knowing that I am the only one that is responsible for where I am in my life.  No, I didn't ask for the dis-ease - or did I with the way I participate in my life and in my way of thinking...   I surely didn't ask for it out loud or knowingly. 

My tinnitus is loud.  My head is pressured.  The sutures in my skull feel very tight and non-giving. 

My body aches with I don't know what.  My stomach feels enlarged and uncomfortable.  Yes, stress and cortisol can make this happen. 

If I could walk away from myself, I would in this moment.

I want life to FEEL easier.  I want to not know challenge right now.  I want to take a walk on the beach easily with freedom in my head, heart, body and mind.  I want it to be the perfect temperature, the perfect breeze, the perfect color of blue wavy water.  I want the sun to be at the perfect height to warm my skin and not be in my eyes. I want my body to feel strong and healthy, alive and invigorated.   (I did say extremes..Ha.) 

Instead, I hear myself, as I put the puked-stained sheets in the wash, telling myself how 'glamorous' my life is with a very sarcastic tone.  I know how I have little energy to propel me anywhere but in the chair to eat guacamole and hummus. 

So, in truth, I guess I am not ready yet to be the brilliant self that I am.  And, in truth, I can be most brilliant if I just allow myself to process these feelings, situations and thoughts - challenge them lovingly - and let go and see the gloriousness in my life because there is plenty. 

My cat stopped bothering me.  The washer is doing the work for me of cleaning the bedding.  I do have guacamole and hummus to eat and a big comfy chair to sit on. 

Oh, I often feel like I'm not really cut out for this human state of being. 

Yet, here I sit, at this computer as a human.  So human on I will go.

My body aches less as I gave it attention.  My state of mind is a bit less trapped as I let it go where it wanted/needed to go.  I do know that if I want to take that walk on the beach, I can in whatever current state of mind and body I am.  My dog lays nicely right at my feet.  My family are all fending for themselves. 

In the big picture of things, I am blessed.  We all are.  What is in our life is there because of actions, thoughts, reactions and our own and others' human-ness.  'There but for the grace of God I go.'  I'm not sure what this really means, and it sure sounds beautiful.  And, I just googled it and it says we are not the only ones creating our reality.  Sometimes we get 'spared' and sometimes we do not (more or less).

So,
May you feel what you feel.  Be open minded and open hearted.  May you allow yourself to process what comes up for you.  May you, when you are ready, let go and move forward with the grace of the universe, the grace of God.

Being human is a ride.  We really are only here a pretty short time in the big picture of it all.  Trust your truth.  Find and be self-love.  When it goes a bit astray - and it will - continue to walk and it will change. 

My inner most deepest self honors yours.  Namaste'

May we honor our own inner most deepest self, our outer shell and everything that is as we all learn to be the best version of ourselves in this thing called human life.

Human on.  Honor the human-ness.  I so want us all to live our most awesome human life possible, together. 

As I am

As I sit here at the computer the cat watching my fingers on the keyboard and the mouse's arrow on the screen, I do not know what I am going to share or say.

How adorable how her eyes are following the letters and her ears stand upright interested.  Her adorable nose with her green eyes make my heart happy.  I especially like it that she is staying still and not sitting on the keyboard or trying to get on my head!  lol

It is a rainy day here and everything is soaked out there.  All the live vegetation;  trees and plants are happily nourished with water from the sky. 

I went to yoga yesterday and this time we were at the top of the building.  I felt 'home' overlooking the beautiful ocean and the bay.  There were vultures with beautiful wing spans right at eye level.  They were powerful and beautiful.  Maybe they were hawks.  And, I did think I saw red faces and this is why I say vultures.  Either way, they were beautifully soaring high in the sky and I thought it was so cool that I was eye level with them.  I didn't want to intrude on the class and grab my camera and take pictures.  Yet, the thought was there.  After class I did and I kind of sort of got a shot.  However, the picture, surely, did not do the bird justice. 

My body feels more 'awake' today from the movement yesterday.  We did chanting and breathing and this, too, made me feel home.  It fills my soul to move my body, let go of my mind and watch my breath. 

Today, as the cleaning people were supposed to come and have cancelled, I have a free morning and it is a pleasant surprise with the dark, rainy day.  I will take advantage of it and 'just be' this morning.   I find myself open to all that is and finding comfort in this.

My body does still scream some.  I am uncomfortable in it from time to time.  My skin is taut and my muscles unhappy as it feels like there is too much cortisol and not enough serotonin.  The stress hormone vs. the feel good hormone...   I'm going to be open to creating more endorphins through movement.

I'm still wondering about the drugs I am on.   I'm still hoping to alleviate if not allow this dis-ease of scleroderma to dissipate some if not completely.  My inner knowing has always been that I can heal myself.   My outer truth is that it has not happened.  There is struggle in this.  Perhaps, it is this struggle that keeps me 'sick'. 

I went to cranial sacral again and right away discovered a part of my childhood that I was holding on to and very easily (this time) was able to envision, in my mind's eye, it 'skipping' away.  It felt so real within my being and my head still whispered 'you are crazy'.  My inner knowing knew I was brilliant.  Again, a war within. 

May you let go of any war(s) within and allow yourself to be what you feel, think, do, and are until (and if) you know and do different.

Soar...  Just as you are...   Love yourself now...

Yogi

I went to a yoga class yesterday that was at a high rise on the beach that I rented one winter 15 years ago.  It was 'happy' pulling in and the yoga class was enjoyable and just what my body and mind wanted.  It was a two hour class and it was guided meditation, energy, movement and breath.  It was heavenly.   My body is screaming for more and I look forward to going back tomorrow. 

Why, when I know movement is something that is a lifeline for me, I do not do it as often as I would like.  I let my mind tell me and place me in other places than this. 

It is time for me to put this as priority numero uno.  I hope I will let myself do this. 

I have a landscaper coming to set up a fountain outside of the window of my office.  I look very forward to this work being done and enjoying it continuously.  My neighborhood is getting Xfinity and some landscape lighting is still incomplete.

These items/situations take me away from the class of yoga.  And, in reality, I can choose to miss the class and still move here at my home or at the 'gym' here in the development. 

Baby steps allowed; I am telling myself. 

May you create the change that you want in your life and allow baby steps, if necessary. 

Perhaps, we are exactly where we are supposed to be within the journey of our own lifetime map or 'it' wouldn't be so.   May you be at peace wherever you are; as much as possible. 

                                                     (Picture Unknown)

Cinderella

"In my own little corner; in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be...."  'Cinderella' had it right way back when.....

And, it is my hope that we are expanding our own little corner; our own little chair to encompass all that is.  We are choosing to live more and more from the depth that is within ourselves.  To be, live, show, breathe and share whatever we feel and who/what we are in each moment; many of us are 'working' on this inner truth...  "to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God".

We are 'working' on harmonizing, being congruent, creating homeostasis with what is within is also without.  This is work.  This is why, perhaps, it has taken us so long to connect to this energy and to know that it is not 'lulu' or crazy or negative or something that 'should' be hidden away.

Vibrate loudly and scream energetically.  Activate your whole being by connecting and loving the totality of you.

In other words, love everything that you are as you create peace within by living your life through acceptance and 'cherish-ment'.  Grow yourself into everything that you are that 'inhabits' your body...  Oooo.....  Stretch way past your present limits as you open up and allow yourself to Just 9Be U....   Be completely you and rock who you are by caring, loving, kindness and even through your pain. 

No more masks.  Love all that is behind the mask(s). 

Now is the time to start, continue, allow, grow and/or rock You out!

Your uniqueness is needed.  Your experiences are needed.  Your sharing you is needed. Your own truth, from your own loving-ness is needed.  You matter in changing/saving our world. 

Wow, how awesome and important you are!  Each and every one of us.

Let's do this.  Let's create the world that we want to do a happy dance (or cheer) to from within each one of us without.

May you connect to your 'woo hoo' individually, together.....!   

(Picture Unknown)