Nothing To Say

I don't feel like I have anything to say.  I'm not chomping at the bit to get out a 'share'.  I have nothing pressing, exciting, genius or otherwise to say.

I type to see what comes alive.

.........

The weather sure has been cold, very warm, rainy, sunny, windy, damp, dry;  pretty much all over the place.  The fish in the pond are slowly swimming and I only see a few floating happily near the surface.  Most are seemingly down deep and hanging out.  My birds are happy enough with the music I play for them.  I have one love bird 18 yrs. old and I'm keeping my eye on her because she looks frail and she is loosing feathers and her head even looks a bit distorted with her neck.  She still whistles and chirps to me mimicking me everytime I go downstairs to see them all.  I have four.  Parakeets, Cockatiel and the Lovebird.  I enjoy their song and just watching them.  Cotton Candy, Sunshine, Sky and Chippers are their names.

I'm thinking I sit here pretty numb.  My body feels a bit tired from holding it so tightly.  Maybe it does something somewhat positive for the muscles and burning calories. (Am I strength training, ha)   I do not think it's so good for my blood flow.  If I had to guess I would think that this would be my way of thinking that I'm protecting myself.  I'm bracing for a 'storm' to hit me and knock me down.  I'm holding on to protect myself from pain and/or some agony.  I'm not trusting the process of life and/or myself to be okay with what the outcome with my father will be.  Am I like the 10 yr. old girl that was first abandoned.  Perhaps, I can choose to give this part of myself up and know and live with what is now and not what I created way back when to protect myself.  I created this habit of shutting down and holding myself tightly and hidden to shun myself from any discomfort; the (real)  fear of my (not real) belief that I could have done something different to change the chaos that stormed my young life.

Oh.  Deep.  

As I read back the above paragraph; I 'hear' myself stating that the outcome of my father's life will change my life.  Is this true?  It did when I was 10 and 22 when he decided to disappear from my life not once, but twice.  However, I'm a 52 year old woman now and he hasn't really been physically in my life in any significant way.  What if the outcome of his life doesn't have to affect my life at all.  I can still be there to my best capacity for him and I can, maybe most importantly, be here for me in my greatest capacity.  Mmmm.  I like this. 

I could find myself shut down and tight for a long time or I can choose something different.  I'm not sure what this quite is yet.  If I had to push deeper, I could choose to say I'd like to be relaxed, open and able to trust the process of life.  To, again, accept what is and live for this moment.  This moment where I find myself safe, somewhat content, hopeful and somewhat alive.  I can choose living.  Living to me means being around and enjoying people, places, things; sharing laughter, love, and truth.  Letting go and letting myself feel, thrive and even be a little 'crazy' with whatever is put in front of me and just believing that no matter what - I will be okay.

It's how I roll; it's what I do.  Proof is in my past.  Perhaps, I can live this proof now and take it into the future with me.

It is a choice, I BELIEVE.

So, since I didn't have anything to say....this is amazing to me....perhaps I could choose quiet over chatter at times and continue on through my sick, cool, and true self.  (sick meaning awesome, of course)

It's great being me.

May you have a great day being you.

What if you choose to believe in your greatness only (just as you are) today?  Would you be different?  Would your world?  Would our world?  Mmmmm.

No Idea

I have no idea what to discuss, talk about, or share.  I'm kind of lost and baffled.  My one thumb is yelling at me to stop texting and I keep on texting.  It's sore and throbbing from a scleroderma ulcer.

I am feeling the confusion and delirium of my relationship (or lack thereof) with my father and his constant battle with himself and his health; and my constant battle with myself and right from wrong.

I'm thinking there is no right from wrong here.  I can only seem to follow my heart with some support from my head and move through this to the best of my ability.  This, for me (today), seems to be not leaving him high and dry and not giving him all of me.  Nothing feels completely right; I suppose nothing feels completely wrong either.  Although there are many opinions out there; I am the only one that can walk in my shoes.

I heard something the other day about a man who was "arguing" with a screw that was stripped and not easy to work with.  I heard him say that he was "arguing" with the screw to get rid of the defective one and replace it with a properly working one.  I always thought of this as "fighting".  I'd be "fighting" with the screw.

I got a bang out of him thinking more like it was an argument than a fight.  It sounded much less nasty and much less stressful to think of it this way to me.  Almost like taking a deep breath of fresh air.

Perhaps, I can think of myself arguing with the different thoughts in my head instead of "battling" or fighting with these thoughts.  Is this one way of being kinder to oneself?

I want to be kinder to myself during this time and always, for that matter.

May you be kinder to yourself today. 

If you hear yourself berating you; may you choose to think "this is my old habit" and change your words to more kinder, gentler and loving thoughts of yourself.

Resisting

I'm resisting to admit that my body is very achy today.  I feel heavy and anxious. 

I have reason to feel anxious; I have reason to feel heavy.  Am I creating these reasons?  Ugh.

This is a tough one to admit.  And, yes, I am creating a lot of the reasons.

I am not eating healthy enough; I am not moving enough.  I am trying to take control of my dad in the hospital and let's face it -- as much as I'd like to think of myself as Dr. Mercedes - I am no doctor.  I have no control of what happens to my father in his hospital bed.

So, instead of turning myself off, which is my habit to not feel discomfort and/or agony (especially where my relationship with my father is concerned), perhaps I can choose to stay focused on what works for me.  Eat more living foods (things that are fresh and go bad quickly); and move more (even if it's just touching my toes and reaching for the sky and stretching).  My personal training background wants me to suggest parking the car further from the door; taking steps instead of elevators; walking or jogging in place for a couple of minutes regularly.  Anything to just move more than I am now.  I know this will make me feel more alive.  I just have to choose to do it.

Easy, right?  Not always and certainly not right in this minute. 

The experts say that awareness comes first.  I've had a lot of first awarenesses!  When do I get to the end result of greatness.   How about contentment of just loving what is.   Is this possible for me.  I have known great contentment many times throughout my life.   More than not.  I've been very lucky.

Today, I would not describe myself as content.  Ripples of  discomfort, agitation and abandonment issues are prevalent with me in this minute.  I know if I wait long enough this will pass.  Can I be rid of them once and for all or do I just know that this is what it is and make some fun anyway.

I choose to know that this is my pattern (so to speak) and while I'm changing things up inside, I can still live and choose happy and truth on the outside as well.  I can stand right up from here and touch my toes and stretch my body and have some blueberries with my breakfast.  Yep, that is just what I am going to do.

May you know your "ripples" and still get on with Being the You that you feel best being.  I'm cheering for you.

What I Learned Today

I learned today that if I'm feeling grumpy, there is a real reason underneath it or causing it.  I learned today that if I dig deep enough and allow myself permission to feel the grumpy and experience it and open up and share it....new sensations happen in my body.

I'm thinking that we all experience this just going on about our daily lives and schedules.  This happens often without having to connect to it and/or give permission to it.

However, today, I sat with it and wanted to understand it and, voila, something that has been an underlying grief for me, came out.  I experienced it, connected to my greatest courage to voice it and even asked God to help me say it in a way that the person I was speaking to could hear me and understand.

I think it worked; by George.  It's out 'there' now.  I am no longer holding on to it and it isn't half as powerful out 'there' as it feels 'here' inside of me.  It's like I disarmed myself of a heaviness that wasn't benefiting me, or others, to carry. 

I don't know what will become of me sharing these feelings and thoughts.  However, I did what I could do for myself and others by being vulnerable and honest with love and much thought.

Feel it, voice it, process it, and let it flow.   I learned today that this truly empowers at least one soul!

May you empower your soul today.

                                            blog.triggerlapppy.com

Cold, Ugh

I'm dealing with the cold (to me) temperatures.  It's 40 in the morning and then 67 high.  I'm loving the 67; it's the 40 deg. F that is messing with me.

My hands are hurting.  I'm noticing that my nose is starting to get purple when I'm cold now, too.  (oh boy)  My thumb has a sore on it and it's amazing how much one uses a thumb.

I feel and see myself getting irritable and short with people.  I feel and see myself getting angry with myself. 

It's tiring. 

I am putting on more clothes.  I am carrying hand warmers with me when I go outside.  I am no longer ignoring the pain.

I have no idea what any of this means other than I'm living my truth.  As beautiful and as awful it can be.

Are you living all of your truth today?  Do you dare?  Ha.

Will, Spirit and Determination

This man that is my father has such will and spirit.  I am awestruck to witness it.  He is still fighting; still hanging on, still in ICU.  He has encountered many complications and issues. 

The doctor said if it wasn't for his will, spirit and drive, things may have turned out much different than they currently are.

He is only now just waking up and he wants to run.  He wants to get up and get on with his life.

He is fighting to keep on keeping on.

The running isn't and hasn't alway been the best road to take, perhaps.  But it is his road and even with him down big time, his deep down determination still wants to fly solo.

Amazing.

May you encounter the amazement of you today.

Happy Thanksgiving Day 2011

Happy Thanksgiving Day.

I started the day thinking how 'off' it felt; how much I wanted to be all together making a dinner, together walking the dogs, together listening to music and together feeling content.

I got several texts from people saying Happy Thanksgiving Day and they were doing an exercise class with their kids; outside looking for deer, cutting turnips, putting the turkey in the oven, driving to their family's houses, or already where they were going to be spending the day.

I was feeling off because I was walking the dog by myself, not getting up early because someone else was cooking the meal (and the shopping), not knowing what time people were going to show up and who they were going to bring. 

I realized I was making myself feel alone, grumpy and miserable. 

How lucky I am to have a beautiful, safe and warm home to wake up in.  How lucky I am that I didn't have to do the shopping or the preparing of the meal (and it smells delicious).  I love going for a walk and then coming in and smelling the flavors of all the courses cooking together.  My husband is right here for me and completely supportive and willing to listen, hear and discuss all my thoughts that I can come up with to learn what we are all about.  I have family and friends that put up with me and all my questions, comments, and truth that makes them sometimes be out of their comfort levels because of the depth I ask them to go with me.

I look forward to sitting at a beautiful table with delicious (and plenty) of food with our small group of people here wanting to be here and feeling completely comfortable together and supportive of one another.  We will go around the table and state what we are thankful for.  We will be comfortable in silence.  We will be joyful with laughter. 

Right now, I am thankful that I am seeing reality and liking what I see.  I am, everyday, creating the reality that I want to live in, love in and share in.  I am getting out of my head of how it used to be; how it's not the same; how it would be better if....   IT'S GREAT JUST AS IT IS NOW, TODAY.   AND I TOTALLY BELIEVE THIS.

I have love, I have comfort, I have hope and I have today.  I have past experiences that have made me who I am.  I have future experiences coming that I will love and others that I will be okay through no matter what.

We are all here today being the best people we know how to be in this moment.  It is enough.

May you enjoy this Thanksgiving for how it is, just as it is.  May you know thankfulness, be comfortable and be true with the people you find yourself with.  These are most likely very special people in your life.  Allow them to be them as you bring the real you to the table.  Vulnerability can be a beautiful thing.  It can open up so many new doors, windows, and vents.

My wish is that you make today a loving day that will make you smile always.

theholidayspot.com

Three of Swords

Fun of the Tarot

From the book "The Alchemical Tarot" by Rosemary Ellen Guiley and Robet M. Place. 

Three of Swords

"Three swords enter a heart from the top, their downward thrusting implying negative or destructive aspects.  The eye in the centre of the heart symbolizes the soul, and suggests an awakening consciousness.  The tears shed by the heart nurture the rose - the goal of alchemy - which grrows in a harsh landscape of rocks  The significance of the number three here is the rediscovery of consciousness on a higher level, but it is still incomplete and lacking the dimensionality of the Higher Self.  Within the insight gained there is still suffering.  However, ths suffering is necessary fo growth, to achieve the consciousnes of the Higher Self."

Tarot Wisdom

"You are experiencing sorrow, pain, and suffering, either emotionally or physically.  This card also shows that your own thoughts are behind your suffering, and your disappointments come from your expectations.  Remember that pain has a purpose and opens the way to growth.  Tears shed are like rain, nurturing something new."

I am experiencing pain emotionally and physically.  My thoughts are beating me up and I am disappointed that I cannot have the relationship that I feel is inside of me with a man that isn't able to receive it. 

Amazing.

I am struggling greatly between my wishes that are so different from my own fathers.  My thoughts need to evolve into accepting the reality of what always was.  I'm holding on dearly to what never was.  This thinking is not, and never was, helpful in any other way other than to create the me that I am now.

Amazing.

I stated just last night that I am only now realizing that I am not able to live out my relationship with my father the way that it is in my heart to do so.  I always knew this in my body.  I now know it in my head also.  I sure hope better late than never.

 May you know the amazingness of your hardship(s) today.

jadedragon.com

Feelings

I am noticing that I feel guilty with what I feel.   If I feel irritable, I feel guilty.  If I feel happy, I feel guilty.

I need to learn that no matter what is going on around me that what I feel is what I feel and it's okay and even imperative that I own it.

To honor God is to honor the feelings He is giving me to feel.  To honor the Universe is to be true to my feelings and not judge them or ignore them.

I know this to be true.  I haven't quite learned how to do this automatically.   Another work in progress for me.
How exciting.  How tiring.

AND, I GOT THIS. 

May you feel what you feel and not question it and move through it!

                                      I don't know what he's feeling, but I believe he's owning it!

Minds

"Minds are like parachutes.  They only function when they are open."  James Dewar

I say my mind functions best when it is open.

May you have an extra-open mind today.

Thanksgiving Week

As I start the Thanksgiving week, I'm reminded to know thankfulness.  I am thankful for so many things.  I am thankful for a fabulous, amazing daughter who is beyond brilliant; an extraordinary husband who is beyond love and giving; a sister who has been such fun and great, constant support for me; a wonderful niece who has grown into a beautiful young woman inside to match her undone outer beauty; a brother and his family who are always there at the most important times of my life and help me laugh and feel the wonder of life; wonderful friends that teach me different, exciting and many marvelous (and strange) things; great connections with people I don't see much of and yet share and know each other's energy and lives deeply. 

I'm thankful for my animals who give me great joy and company.  They teach me letting things be and being in the moment.  They provide me with constant opportunities to play.

I am thankful for the health I do have.  I'm thankful for all the learning and growth that has been bestowed on me.  I am thankful for the sun, moon, wind and stars.  I am thankful for having experienced such great beauty in this lifetime.  I am thankful when my life flows with ease. 

I am thankful for knowing how to be thankful.

I am thankful to you because you give me a quiet connection of support and the outside world in which your presence is of complete importance or you just wouldn't be.

May you take the time to be thankful for all that makes you you.

Happy Thanksgiving week to all who celebrate same.  I am assured that we don't need a Thanksgiving to know our thankfulness. 

May you be connected to your thankfulness in extra bundles this week.

Do I

Do I create my own fear?  As I am here typing this post, is what inside of me real fear and apprehension or is it a created fear.

I'm thinking created.  As I am now, all is fine in my world.  I am safe, I am loved, I matter.

The questioning of what if this happens or what if I can't do this or what if this doesn't happen.... these thoughts can mess with me.

I release them now in this moment.  I trust that what does come into my life, I can handle.  I can embrace.  I can help to turn it into the life that I want to be involved in; participate in; loved in.

I choose to see things on the positive note.  I choose to create positive in my life.  I choose to allow what is and evolve it into what helps me to feel fulfilled.

I already am fulfilled perhaps.  What if it only takes acknowledgement of same to live this way.

What we have in our lives now today is our lives.  It is living.  It is enough.  We are enough.  I am enough.  You are enough.  I believe that for the simple reason that we are here as we are; this is enough.  We need nothing else in this moment to be whole if we choose this.

I choose this.  I walk in wholeness today.

May you choose wholeness, contentment and the belief that you are enough just as you are. 

Go forward with knowing that you are enough; you have enough; you know enough to be whole just as you are in this very moment.  May you take your whole self and share it with your world.  The world will be better because you are living your true, loving essence of self.

My wish for you today is to choose to watch the world around you respond to this and may you see the beauty of the love you send out work it's magic.

Crossroads

I feel like I'm at a huge crossroad in my life.  I see life differently than I ever did.  I see with my eyes more open; the reality of what really is and not what I want to see.

I am very good at coming from instinct and sheer feeling.  I want to come also from the thinking mind that I am blessed with.

I am torn from my old way of living, being and doing to a new way that I have not yet incorporated.  I am on the path of creating new roads for me to go down.

How scary and how exciting.  As I stand at this crossroads; I feel the excitement of stepping forward.  I also feel the fear of letting go.  I'm not sure one can be done without the other.

May you let go of what isn't working for you and step into what does.

Do I or Don't I

I have been questioning the correctness behind writing about such a private matter.  I'm thinking this is my life now; this is my truth.

Are somethings not supposed to be discussed?  Does it take away the honor of a situation?

I'm not sure.  However, I write with the hope of sharing and learning together.  I write with the hope of sending out love and faith. 

I write with the utmost respect for my fathers life and I know that we all do the best we can with what we know and what we experience.

I write with hope of getting closer to the depth of who I am.

I write with anxiousness of not knowing the best answer for the world; I write with the trust that I know the best answer for me.

May you live with the best answers for being you.

Projection

I am feeling that when I call the nurses that are doing the fabulous job that they do, I feel like they are wondering why I am not there.  I also feel a vibe of anger or judgment coming from them because I am not there in person visiting with my dad for their 15 minute intervals that are allowed in ICU after open heart surgery.  Is this questioning myself.
Some have asked why I am not.  I say the same answer that I've been telling everyone about how we didn't do too well with our relationship on this earth but I am bonded to him and I love him.   I truly feel that he never wanted a regular relationship with me.  Even this past month, he kept me at a distant.  His only need was for him to know I was there when he called.   He didn't want to talk too deep.  He didn't want me in his business.  Most of me knows this is just what he knew how to do.  Part of me thinks it was to protect me.

I was feeling like my husband was getting tired of all the time and energy I was spending on this man.  I definitely spent more on him than any one person this past month.  I projected that this was how my husband felt.  When I got the nerve up to ask him, I learned that I was mistaken.  His frustration was coming from him not being able to understand how this man had such a pull on me.  I don't understand it; how can anyone else.

I've been telling myself again and again that 'this being human is not for sissies'.  I totally am believing this today.

I think I have turned off my emotions button right now.  I'm just going through the motions and getting through the day.

I KNOW that there are much worse situations.   I also know we all have our 'stuff'.  I also know that I'm ready to breathe and be on the lighter side of living. 

Peaks and valley; peaks and valleys.

With the love in my heart and with the love of so many, I will stand strong and live on.  We all have our allotted time here on earth.  I believe we are here to learn, grow and share.  I'm trying my best at all three.

May you be your best at learning, growing and sharing today; or whichever one is the most important for you to Be You.

He's Fighting

This man that helped to bring me onto this earth during at this period of time is fighting for his life.  His surgery turned into two and we are waiting to see if his body is willing and able to accept all the medical work that was done to his heart.

It's miraculous what the medical world can do.  It's amazing the people that are willing to do it and it's mind boggling the lengths that are possible to keep a human body functioning.

No one in my world knows what happens next.  I have seen the strength and power that can come from mental and physical sheer will.  I am grateful that I can experience this.

I'm not too happy with all the issues, communication (or lack thereof), bonds and choices that were put in front of me.

I am surviving, however.  This is what us humans do.  We live, grow, and survive until we don't. 

May you realize the beauty of being in each realm or mode that you find yourself simply passing through.

Last Chance

The open heart surgery is being done tomorrow on my dad.  His body has not gotten stronger; in fact,  weaker.  However, it's the only option to move forward. 

There has been at least 2 surgeries scheduled in the past two weeks and both were cancelled waiting on the kidneys to get stronger.  They do not want to wait any more.

May he be carried through this and love be in his heart and forgiveness of himself in his soul.  I have already forgiven him.

I sit in this moment, waiting to see where this road that I am choosing to be on takes me.  I am living me and feeling amazement that this is where I find myself.  I am okay.  I am love.

I have been available these past months for this man that I call dad and hardly know.  I have done the best that I know how to do.  I do question right and wrong and this is where I get in trouble.

I trust the process of life and I am numb to know anything different in this moment.

May you be trusting the process of your life in and know that you have the power to see and be any way you choose. 

May you choose the life that keeps your power beautiful.

Ralph Waldo Emerson Quote

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

What lies within you today?  Whatcha going to do about it? 

Life is for Living

During a conversation yesterday, I asked a dear friend, whom I've known for many decades, how she thinks she would live her life if everyday she felt like she had a terrible flu and fingers that made it difficult to do daily things....  (I asked because I'm trying to find different ways to look at things.)

She replied:
"I don't have an answer because as much as I try, I have no idea what it's like
to be in constant pain and "live" life as it was meant to be lived."

What first went through my head was ... "there is no help for me"...
         THEN
I thought..."maybe life just wasn't meant for me to live it in the way I believed
living it was....mmmm..
There has to be many different ways to live it....."

I then thought  "genius" ...  this is genius!

What if we don't have to live life the way we grew up thinking life was meant to be lived? 

Just what if we can live life to the fullest now in whatever way we can dream up and find what works best for us, with the person we are now; whatever that may be.

I think I'm supposed to be happy in the same way I used to when I thought of my life happiest.  To try to reenact this and compare myself now to my happiest past was creating stress, sorrow and hardship for myself.

I am not the same when I used to be in the work force 20 years ago.  This doesn't mean I am not good or that I'm not capable.  What if I'm better.  Oh, wouldn't that be something! 

So, maybe now I can give myself the freedom to let go of what I accomplished, loved and shared back then and accomplish, love and share what I can now.

Oh, what a concept!  Ha.

What does living life mean to you now?  What did living life mean to you in the past?  Is there something you want to change?

What if really living is about changing with what is from time to time and incorporating differences and, perhaps with greater flexibility, of what we can do now.  There has to be something we are better at now and maybe there is something that we no longer enjoy.  Maybe we can accept this as our truth and believe in what is possible now.

Anything is possible if we truly believe it to be.  Isn't it?

May you strive for your wildest possible dreams and know there is nothing to lose especially if we haven't had it yet.

DREAM ON!  LIVE ON!  BE U ON!

"Ottepel"

"Russians have a word for the arrival of spring:  ottepel.  It is used to describe awakening.  That's how I feel."  "Midnight Angel" by Lisa Kleypas

Ottepel - this is what I believe our world is doing. 

As we awaken, may we follow our inner knowing to the path of harmony with one's self and each other.

Let's 'dance' with compassion and truth against hurtfulness of self and others.

                          This picture freaks me out some and I know it's okay...  Just like my life.  Ha.

You

"It's taken centuries of selective breeding to achieve a specimen like me."  "Midnight Angel" by Lisa Kleypas

May you know that it's taken centuries of selective breeding to achieve a specimen like you! 

                                                        Hawaii from a Helicopter

Learning

I believe that if I learned something today, it was a good day.

So, let it always be a good day.

May you have a great day today and be open to learn.

Funny, or is it

I went and picked out two tarot cards from the book "The Alchemical Tarot by Rosemary Ellen Guiley and Robert M. Place and below are their meanings.

Four of Vessels:
"In unity there is strength, but it is a delicate balance.  You have the inner strength to bear great weight.  You will not break under emotional stress and pressure."

Nine of Swords:
"You are experiencing needless fear arising from thoughts of impending doom.  Negative thinking is creating the fear.  There is a way out, however, if you can look past those fears.  Or, perhaps, you must confront them."

I hope 'they' are right.  I wish I didn't have to and I say bring it on.  I am as ready as I'll ever be.

What are you ready to take on that will bring you to a greater peace and connected more to the inner you?

Admit or Believe

I'm finding it pretty hard to admit or believe this is the next step in my life that is showing itself to me.  What comes first - admitting or believing....the egg or the chicken.  Ha.

I'm finding myself telling my loved ones that I feel lost and I need help finding help.  I seem to be unable to connect to the help that I want and need.  My belief that there is help for me is weak at the most.  I'm not very confident in myself just now and I feel shut down and a bit less hopeful as I'm waking up these days.

I did manage to get myself to my Naturopath and she pretty much reiterated what I already knew and didn't want to admit to or believe as my truth. 

She said that my body is guarding itself.  It is shut down and doesn't recognize any place as safe.  I am shut down and unable to open and deal with what is going on inside of me just now.  My body isn't ready to talk and I know my mind capacity is not all the way up.  I have no where to run but to face what is (with my father) head on.

Is this what I did when I was 10.  Did I shut down to not feel and/or participate in my life fully because I didn't want to admit, believe or participate in the truth of what was going on in my childhood family.  My dad had totally disappeared; my mother was in her own pain finding the strength to carry on alone with three children and tons of bills and responsibilities; and my siblings were, maybe, all lost in their own acceptance of where we were finding ourselves. 

I am here, day to day, waiting to hear the outcome of my dad's life.   I do not know why or how this is having such an affect on me.  As of now, we are waiting to hear if another scheduled surgery will happen or will it be cancelled.  He has no one else but my sister and I.  I can't imagine many people understanding this because I do not understand it myself even. I couldn't imagine that I would have any involvement in this during the last 40 years. 

I am not one to run from an ailing person.  I am not one to pretend that it's easy when it doesn't feel so.  I am one to have a hard time sharing this pain inside of me.  I am one that has a hard time admitting that I'm weak and unable.  I am one to not easily believe of a truth that I don't want to be so.

So, to keep moving forward I need to believe that this is my truth.  I need to admit that it's hard and I do not know the 'correct' way to play this out.  In reality, I know there is not a correct way; only the way I find myself doing it is the way for me. 

I am realizing that, for me in this moment, it doesn't matter what comes first.  It just matters that they both are here.

What are you resisting believing the truth of, if anything?  What are you unable to admit because it just may make it so and you may just have to deal with it?

AND I know, whether I admit this is as my truth or not....this IS my truth.  Apparently, there is more here for me to deal with.  Can I choose to feel it and let it go.

I hope I choose letting it go and carrying forward the real me....I have so much living to do.

Monday

Monday morning. 

I'm here like everyone around me starting our Monday morning routines.  It doesn't feel like a routine day, however.  To me, it feels lost in all the chaos of the world.  So much is unsettled.  There is an 'unsettling' feeling and we have great opportunities to allow a new life to be created.  We can, perhaps, choose to keep what we love and makes us happy and we can choose to let go of what no longer is comfortable from within. 

Today, many of us will go about doing our daily things.  We will say 'how are you' and most will answer 'good' or 'fine'.  Some may say 'great'.  And, this just may be true.   But there is more to us than 'good'; 'fine' and 'great', I believe.

Boundaries come to my mind here.  And, my mind draws a blank.  Ha.

The boundary of where do I end and you begin.  Where do you end and I begin.  Because on many levels, this boundary is very real.  Yet, bottom line, there is something here that has no boundaries. 

We all want to be seen, heard and acknowledged that who we are matters. (Oprah)

May you see, hear and acknowledge others today as you would want to be looked at; listened to and told you matter.

Update

My father is still in hospital and yesterday morning they were, again, scheduling the open heart surgery for today.  Last night at 5 pm, they learned they still could not.  This has been ongoing for three weeks while he is in hospital.  It has been another couple of weeks knowing that a heart operation was his only choice to live longer; stronger.

The not knowing; the waiting just may be the hardest part.  I pray for him to know peace throughout this as much as possible.

I'm needing peace as well.  I accept, to the best of my ability, that this is where I am and this is what I'm suppose to be experiencing.  The ups and downs; ons and offs, the unknown. 

Sounds like everyone's life, yes?

May you accept, to the best of your ability, the ups and downs: the ons and offs; the unknown today.

Love the One

May you love the one you are always with..... Yourself!

Moving Through

I'm moving through and onward.  With the cold affecting me pretty harshly, my mind is again wondering why.  The struggle of everyday life has increased a bit for me and I'm feeling a bit lost and frustrated.  (understatement!)

The ulcers on my fingers are making it difficult to do the basic of things like pet my dogs and wash my hair.  I'm angry that God thinks I'm strong enough to handle this yet again. 

I have no choice but to forge through and continue living as fully as I possibly can.

I am grateful for my family, friends, loved ones and my connection to people who care about each other.  This is what matters most in my living.

I cry a bit more these days out of frustration of not being able to do things and living with pain that can take my breath away.  I, still, at times feel like the luckiest person alive because of my connection to people. 

Sometimes I feel lesser and sometimes I do not.  I surely hope that through all of this I continue adapting and have more acceptance of myself than ever before. 

IT AIN'T EASY and it feels like my only choice at this point.  It has been a very slow process for me.  Extremely slow - accepting the reality of all of me.  It doesn't seem to work with my thinking; it works with my heart.

May you know what works with your complete belief in the life you are in.  In my own words - may you see the reality of what is in the totality of your life and accept it and live through it and create the life that makes you most YOU.

Is this living fully?  Each one of us has positive and negatives.  This is being human.  May we claim it and know the power in this.

If we were to connect all our 'ions' (positives and negatives) together with each others, what would the world look like.   (Perhaps, what is going on in the world around us with so much information so easily accessible, this is just what is happening.  Currently, it looks and feels like chaos to me.  My hope is it will look, feel and be beauty and strength and the truth of us together, united, on much more positive, highly productive and feel good levels.

sciencegeist.com

Feeling vs. Thinking

May I just suggest that when coming from only our heart, we can find ourselves confused and emotionally distraught.  Perhaps, this is when we can choose to turn down the volume on our hearts and turn up the use of our brains/minds.

It can also work the other way around.  If we use our brain solely, we may lose out on our feelings and connection to others.  This may be a time to come more from our hearts and less from our minds.

We must have a brain AND a heart  for several reasons.....Yes?    Ha.

 thinking+heart.jpg

Changing Me

This changing me  is so darn hard...   I truly believe I'm worth this greatest battle of all; this battle that is truly only within myself.

 

 

                                                                 REWIRING

 

 

 

Last Words and New Beginnings

I have just finished Mark Nepo's book "The Book of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have".  This my last entry with the brilliant use of his words.  Dealing with my father on a very regular basis for the first time in 40 years, I notice a lot of self-worth issues.  Again, I opened the book and this is what I read and needed to hear.  Thank you Mark.

"Those people in our lives who have validated our personhood by seeing us and exclaiming so are the foundations of our self-worth." 

If this feels true for you, how strong is the foundation of your own self-worth?  How many people saw you in positive light and claimed so in your childhood? 

I'm betting this is where I got my 'hood' ness from on my Declaration.  Crazy, didn't even know it til just now.

If necessary, or just because, are you ready to (re)claim your '"personhood"?

In all your own uniqueness

Man Unknown, Good Dancer at Middle East Restaurant

Joaquin Phoenix

Authentic Self

DECLARATION OF “LISA HOOD”

ON THIS 10^TH DAY OF NOVEMBER, 2011….

 I HEREBY DECLARE THAT FOR ONE WEEK, NOVEMBER 11 to NOVEMBER 18, LISA IS GOING TO LISTEN TO HER INNER VOICE AND PICK FOR HERSELF THE FIRST THING, CHOICE, OPTION, DESIRE KNOWING THAT SHE IS DOING WHAT IS FIRST BEST FOR HER.

I am not going to second guess this and I am not out to hurt anyone.  I am out to save Lisa.

At the end of this week, I will be open to hear any suggestions, comments, feelings that you acquire/have because of Lisa finding Lisa Hood.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation and support.

Mom/Lisa Ann Ungerer    11/11/11

Now this is an experiment because I am certainly going in with blind faith!

Life...

My father's 6 hr. open heart surgery that was scheduled for today was cancelled at 7 p.m. last night.  His body is not ready for it.  Playing it day by day.  I've talked more to him in the last three weeks than I have in my lifetime since I was 10 when he left.......    CRAZY stuff.

Up/Down   Up/Down   and Sideways.....   welcome to LIFE ---  Not many, if any,  'writers' can write this stuff!

May we all accept what is our lives as they are today and deal with it through our inner knowing.  May we know how to use all the information and tools we possess, handling ourselves, and each other, with love and ease.  Ha.

Hazleton

Going to Hazleton, Pennsylvania today.  Pocono Mountain area.  Should be a beautiful drive if any of the leaves are still holding on.

It's cool and foggy this morning.  The deer were out back and the dogs charged out to chase them.

It's supposed to be in the 60s today; unusal for November.  I'll take it and love it.

We are visiting my elderly aunt and spending some time with her and picking up pierogies made the the greek orthodox church there.  They make great pierogies.

I'm pushing myself.  The fluctuating temperatures wreak a bit of havoc on me.  However, I love road trips.

May you do what you love today and participate fully doing it!

Happy Birthday Brilliant Daughter!

Happy Birthday to my wonderful daughter today!!  She is such a brilliant light in this world.  Her brilliance ranges from a great mind, to a fabulous equestrian, to a phenomenol friend, to a loving and caring person, to owning her own inner and outer beauty.

Her brilliance is inside and out and I'm so proud and grateful she is my daughter each and every day.

May your light continue to shine bright for yourself and others.

I LOVE YOU.  I LOVE YOU MORE.  I LOVE YOU MOST.

Make it a wonderful day!

ALWAYS, Mom

Your love is the greatest gift Dad and I ever received.

Mark Strikes Again

"The Book of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have" by Mark Nepo.

This morning, unable to sleep, these are the words I read from the above book.

"Since then, efforts have turned from trying to outrun suffering to trying to express it, from trying to achieve joy to trying to discover it, and from trying to shape or better the lives around me to accepting love wherever I can find it."

"Exhale your pressures and arrive where you are.  Breathe deeply, and accept the jewel and the grit of this moment."

"God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open"  Hazrat Inayat Khan

I have fear in keeping my heart open with the situation with my dad.  Do I dare.  Do I know how.  Is this the time to keep it open.

How open is your heart today?

Lost

My father's doctors told us yesterday that they now would like to perform open heart surgery.  They said looking at everything again, they think it is worth the shot to save him.  WOWZA.

I do not know how best for me to participate in this.  My heart does not know the way to go.  I am lost as to what path is best for me to take in this stage of the game.  I feel the love he has shown (or not shown) hasn't carried me far and I feel he is a human who needs love too.

Our relationship (or lack thereof) has always been on his terms.  I feel it still is.  I am able now to offer up my terms.  I'm at a lost to know exactly what my terms consist of.  Very interesting place to find oneself, indeed.

*"As they moved along, the boy tried to listen to his heart.  It was not easy to do; in earlier times, his heart had always been ready to tell its story, but lately that wasn't true.  There had been times when his heart spent hours telling of its sadness, and at other times it became so emotional over the desert sunrise that the boy had to hide his tears." 

"You will never be able to escape from your heart.  So it's better to listen to what it has to say."

"My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer"...."Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself." 

"Usually the threat of death makes people a lot more aware of their lives."*

*Excerpts from the book "The Alchemist - 10th Anniversary Edition" by Paulo Coelho

May you know your heart today.

Feel What We Feel

I feel what I feel for a reason.  Why, then, does it sometimes feel easier to just write it off; ignore it.  I want to feel it, hear it, acknowledge and move on from it.

Is what we want/need sometimes the hardest thing to give ourselves?

May what you want and/or need in this moment be yours; given to you by you.

                                    

Challenged

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. "      Victor Frankl

Chilly

29 degrees Fahrenheit as I wake up on a Sunday morning.  We just turned the clocks back one hour for Daylight Savings Time.  (Who says we can't turn back the clock?)

The cold is bothering me.  I went into this winter with a different mindset; to no avail.  The cold is affecting me negatively.  I find myself frustrated and wanting to give up.

The discomfort and pain is so loud that I am unable to concentrate on much else.

I am tired and frustrated hearing myself complain about the cold and great discomfort every winter.  I can't imagine the strain/stress/tiredness my family feels with this as well.  I know, at times, it is harder on them.

I'm not sure where to turn; what to do; if giving up would be a curse or a blessing.  Can I give up? And, by giving up, I mean accepting totally what is.  Why is this so hard for me to do completely.

I'm just going to try this on for size....  "I accept that the cold hurts me.  I accept that my fingers are dying.  I accept that I can't do many things easily with my hands.  I accept that this is my life."  Well, I can't say it feels right.   Even my inner knowing is telling me this is not necessary to accept.  What's a woman to do!

I am on the low side of progesterone.  Maybe I can work with this some more to better benefit me.

On a bright note, my Aussie loves the cold; the sun is shining; no more bugs such as ticks, stink bugs, or mosquitoes.  I have one less 'feeding' in the morning.  The outside fish go into hibernation, so to speak.  I just make sure the bubbler is constantly on for air in three of the bogs.  They are not fed all winter.   The grass doesn't need to be cut and the pool doesn't need to be attended to.  To me, the outside yard is somewhat 'closed'.  I do not even use the compost pile in the very cold.

There is always light with the dark; always an upside to the downside; always good with the bad.

It's like the tapestry.  On one side, there are knots and strings and nothing to really see or decipher and on the other side, there is a beautiful picture.

My life, for the most part, is a beautiful picture that I cherish and am grateful for.  There is this dark part that I'd rather not endure.  However . . .  it is so. 

May you see the part of your life that makes a beautiful picture today.

Same School

I'm hearing and feeling that a lot of us are feeling a bit intense and/or insane these days.   Our world is changing as we know it.  Change is one thing we do know is certain.  Good news is - we can choose to change with it and create the world that works for us now.   It is a process.  Sometimes baby steps are all we need to do.  Loving ourselves through it works  -  and this doesnt always come naturally.  I believe it surely is something to strive for.

If we could do each others emotional/mental/physical work and change each other's lives in all the positive ways, I believe we would do it efficiently and quickly.  Do we get stuck more deeply in our own lives?  Is it harder to look at and change our own lives for ourselves?  Can we/do we feel the same compassion for ourselves as we do for our loved ones?

  BEING HUMAN  --   Surely, is schooling us all!!!!

"What did you learn in school today?" (Anonymous)