Be U: Resisting

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Resisting

I'm resisting to admit that my body is very achy today. I feel heavy and anxious.

I have reason to feel anxious; I have reason to feel heavy. Am I creating these reasons? Ugh.

This is a tough one to admit. And, yes, I am creating a lot of the reasons.

I am not eating healthy enough; I am not moving enough. I am trying to take control of my dad in the hospital and let's face it -- as much as I'd like to think of myself as Dr. Mercedes - I am no doctor. I have no control of what happens to my father in his hospital bed.

So, instead of turning myself off, which is my habit to not feel discomfort and/or agony (especially where my relationship with my father is concerned), perhaps I can choose to stay focused on what works for me. Eat more living foods (things that are fresh and go bad quickly); and move more (even if it's just touching my toes and reaching for the sky and stretching). My personal training background wants me to suggest parking the car further from the door; taking steps instead of elevators; walking or jogging in place for a couple of minutes regularly. Anything to just move more than I am now. I know this will make me feel more alive. I just have to choose to do it.

Easy, right? Not always and certainly not right in this minute.

The experts say that awareness comes first. I've had a lot of first awarenesses! When do I get to the end result of greatness. How about contentment of just loving what is. Is this possible for me. I have known great contentment many times throughout my life. More than not. I've been very lucky.

Today, I would not describe myself as content. Ripples of discomfort, agitation and abandonment issues are prevalent with me in this minute. I know if I wait long enough this will pass. Can I be rid of them once and for all or do I just know that this is what it is and make some fun anyway.

I choose to know that this is my pattern (so to speak) and while I'm changing things up inside, I can still live and choose happy and truth on the outside as well. I can stand right up from here and touch my toes and stretch my body and have some blueberries with my breakfast. Yep, that is just what I am going to do.

May you know your "ripples" and still get on with Being the You that you feel best being. I'm cheering for you.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!