Breath

Often we can take our own breathing for granted.  After all, we've been doing it since we took our first breath upon entering this world as ourselves.  It is automatic.  It just happens.   Most of us didn't have to learn (or fight to breathe).   How greatly blessed this gift of breath is to us.

And, we have sayings like 'you take my breath away'; I can't breathe I'm laughing so hard; It's hard to breathe in here.

In a panic attack and/or fear, breathing can get very shallow.  Our bodies can constrict.  It can feel very uncomfortable.

May you be aware of your breath.  Invite it.   Feel it.  Watch it.  Manipulate it by taking longer deeper breaths.   Perhaps, by breathing into your belly and expanding it and contracting it kind of like a balloon with air.

Imagine all that good oxygen going into every part of your body; into your brain down to your toes.  Feel it in every cell of your body; your organs.  Invite it to flow through you to initiate calm, empowerment and walking on.

The breath and our heartbeat are two things we can sometimes take for granted.  Perhaps, today is a good day to thank your lungs, thank your heart and thank your body for supporting you as best it can.

May you make best friends with your body and watch it flourish through your own loving breath and kindness.

Breathe on.

Roiled

Roiling - to be irritated, vexed, stirring up sediment, disquieted, disturbed (dictionary.com)

I was having a conversation yesterday and I heard myself saying that my outer body feels calm and relaxed for the most part; my inner body feels like it is roiling.

I wasn’t sure what the word meant.  I looked it up.  Yes. Yes. This fits how my inside feels just now. Unsettled. Uncomfortable.  I do not fancy the feeling very much.

I breathe deeply.  It helps.  It doesnt go away.   I lie in bed watching the sky grow from dark to day as the black out shade that was recently hung is stuck in the open position.  There’s electricity there. However, the shade does not respond to my request to close.

Roiling inside feels kind of like electrical currents not working together.  They work independent of one another and create disharmony.  I would like them to work together in unison, harmony and create homeostasis inside of myself.  I think they are also not responding to my request for inner harmony.

So what is a woman to do...  !

I plan to do some stretching, some yoga, more breathing that I can connect better to my own inner peace as I know it is there.  I have been shown it often enough to know it and to make it a priority in my life.  When I live from inner peace, I flow better with what is. I trust better the process of life. My relationships are better.  I am more able to be creative, loving and, yes, even awesome.  Ha! There is a feeling of accomplishment and ease.

May you find and allow yourself to feel your feelings of accomplishment, ease, and, yes, awesomeness.  !

If you like the way you are feeling just now, may you hug yourself, thank yourself and be totally enjoying you.  Yay!

If you don’t enjoy the way you are feeling just now, may you move the energy of you around.  Do something to release, let go, rechannel as you do your best to embrace it while requesting it to teach, inform you and move through you.  

Perhaps, roiling is a stepping stone to going deeper, getting clear, connecting to what is that we are being asked to change to what will be.  Perhaps, it is one way of letting go of what no longer serves our highest good and is moving us to live in the best place inside of ourselves to create the best next path forward.

May we unroil the roiling from a place of awareness, being mindful, being loving and kind and being open to the request to do something different.  Dare to walk into the unknown knowing you have everything you need already inside of you for this life of yours that you are living.

I believe in you. I believe in me. I believe in us. I believe in the human race.  I have met far too many awesome and kind people to believe any different.

May you walk your path embracing as much as you can and letting kindness and love be your go to emotions...  because You are worth it.  

Yin/Yang

Feminine/Masculine

Good/Bad

Hurtful/Feels Good

Knowing/Not Knowing

Opposites and, yet, one could not work without the other.  Perhaps, one cannot even be known/felt/represented without knowing and/or being aware of both sides.

I feel like I have been living in the full structure of this concept.

I hear myself say "I am home" because I am by the water again.   Yet, I have been feeling, anxious and out of sorts as I am not yet settled in.  The ease of living in a known space eludes me for now.

Last time we moved was only four years ago, and two years before that.   There has been a lot of moving, exploring, adventure, challenge, trials and much adapting.

I feel I am where I belong; where I knew/thought I was my happiest.

I am questioning if it was my happiest because I was so ME when I lived by the water in the 20s and 30s.  There is a part of me that thinks I can repeat that feeling.  I am learning that no, I cannot.

I am not the me that was present in the 80's and the 90's.   I am the me that I have grown to become through my 20s and 30s, but now also through my 40s and 50s.  I am the me through my lessons.  I am the me through my challenges.  I am the me through my celebrations.   I am the me through the grandeur, loss and experiences accumulated to this very breath that I am currently taking right now.

May you allow you to be the you that has accumulated over your lifetime.  May you love yourself just as you are knowing that you have done the very best that you have been able.

I have lived with scleroderma since the late 70's.  It has shown me such horrifying moments of pain, confusion and hurt.  It has taught me life at its depth.  It has taught me my strength(s).  It has taught me that life shows up just as life wants to show up.  It has shown me that it is possible that life does show up exactly as I see and feel myself becoming to be.  Life is yet another complexity of simply being true to whatever shows up for us.

It is about how we react.  It is about how we think.  It is about how we live.

May you react, think and live through love; as often and as much as possible.  May you keep coming back to love. 

May you ride the journey of your life through all the yin/yang, feminine/masculine energies, the good/bad, the hurting and the feeling good, the knowing/not knowing.  Embrace it all with trust in your being, love in your heart, faith in your soul, acceptance in your mind and all of it, together, in your breath.  May you reach for this part of you again and again and again.  

Sunshiny

Happy Saturday to you.  I come here after walking the dog on a beautiful, sunshiny afternoon.  The warm breeze.  The blue skies with white fluffy clouds.  The sun shining down; the reflection of the sun on the water..

It is a real treat for me.   I so enjoy warm and beautiful afternoons.  How blessed we can feel sometimes.  Yet, blessing are all always around.   What inside of us stops us from seeing them, feeling them, experiencing them...

May you open up to your blessings today.  May you...  see them.  feel them.  experience them.  

Oh Baby

I wake up this morning anxious.  I wake up many mornings anxious lately.

Is it because how I feel...  Is it because of my thoughts in my head...  Is it because I do not have a goal in mind that I choose to focus on...   Is it just because...   Is it just my time to be and feel this way...  Am I on the verge of a change and the uncomfortable anxiousness is helping me to create a change...

I know it doesn't feel good.  It is very hard to welcome anxiousness.  It is easy to say I am at peace.  I am comfortable.  It is going to be a good day.  I am healthy.   I have good circulation.   My body knows how to heal.

I am very aware of my thoughts and my actions.  I know I can and will handle anything that comes my way.

So between the two - anxiousness and feeling it and creating a new path is where I find myself.  I sit in it.  I walk in it.  I live in it.  It is the choice that feels best to me.

I wish I had another, easier choice.  I have not come up with it yet.  When it is meant to be, it will.

I believe.

This is me living this moment.  This is what has been created for me to live through.  This moment is the moment I live with this truth.

Do I like it...  not really.  

But to fight it, be angry with it and create more turmoil does not feel true to me.  I think it is really good to be true to ourselves.

May you be true to You; through your own loving way; as much and as often as possible.

I wish you peace underneath, or is it above, whatever uncomfortableness you may be feeling.

If you find yourself comfortable, ride with it and enjoy the ride.

May you 'ride' with all your truths with as much love as possible.  

Thank You.

Hugs.

Here

I'm sitting in my new home office with my new white desk with the intercoastal outside the window.  The sun is shining bright.  The sunlight glistens on the water.  I see boats, large and small; some would say yachts.  It is a glorious, expansive sight.  I am in awe and in gratitude.

I sit with this, cold and purple; uncomfortable in my own skin.  Feeling lost but knowing that I can tell where I am.  I haven't been using this format to express, let go and share.  Perhaps, there is built-up energy that just wants to come out of me.  I believe that there is.   I feel it.  I feel tension.  I feel my shoulders up to my ears.  I, purposefully, relax them and breathe into my belly.

Where do I find my comfort...  It hasn't come easily recently.  There has been, what feels to me, many challenges.  I am lost in fighting these challenges instead of allowing them to flow through me and me with them; owning my truth.  This is where my peace is.  I am open to connecting to it more easily and often.

I like me some peace within my being.

I continue to walk forward as I live in my truth.  I can grab onto good things.   I can grab onto bad things.   How interesting that what can be 'good' and 'bad' for me can be but 'bad and 'good' for another.  We are the ones that label it so; react so, respond so; believe so.

It is in these labels, reactions, responses and beliefs that I create my experience(s).

May you know that how you label, react, respond and what you believe is what creates your experience(s) of life and living.

This Is It.  You are living now.   Follow your feel good, loving, open and expansive way.

My wish for you.

Here and now is what matters.  May you breathe in the joy of this moment no matter the size of it.

Hello, It's Me...

Wow.  Wow.  Wow.    I have arrived back here to my 9BeU blog.

I have been so afraid to show up and share (and even see myself) what I am feeling.  Not wanting to face my truth; so to speak.

I am now living in a high rise that I had my eye on since 2009.  Fell in love with it the first time I visited the new building.  The views out of my windows are spectacular.  Sunrises/Sunsets/Rainbows/Boats/ Manatees/Water Water everywhere.   Each time I look, the view is different in some way.

I feel so blessed and I breathe better with the expansive view.

To get up to the view (21st floor) is nothing like owning a home.  No easy access to garage.  No privacy to this not so easy access.  Carrying bundles, groceries, moving in - (up and down an elevator) is definitely a different way to live.   I am still not used to it.  And, me, being frightened of elevators did not stop me; I was moving here for the view.  Elevator Phobia gone (check).  For almost two months I heard myself counting while riding the elevator.  Counting to 70 before I was going to do any kind of panicking.  I have started to forget to count.  This is a step in the best direction.

I wish I could say that my health was immediately better.  That my strength, stamina and energy skyrocketed.  I cannot.  I may even find myself being a bit depressed.   I know my blood pressure has become the opposite of depressed; it has gone high.

Adapting.  Adapting to our surroundings, to what is, to ease and to acceptance; to trust and to feel safe.  It didn't come natural to me this move.   I've moved more than 10 times and the last three were definitely my most difficult.  Very interesting.

My body aches.  My two thumbs are sore from using them so much in moving.

I was also told by my insurance that one drug that I have been on for four years (which is a very small amount of time for me but still matters) that they will no longer cover the cost.  The pain office I go to will not do prior authorizations which would allow insurance to cover it.  They scripted me a new drug, that too, is not covered.   I feel like a prisoner to these drugs; to these doctors; and to the insurance company.   I do not want to feel like this anymore.  See how I play this one out.  It doesn't help with getting my calm on.  I want to say I am more calm and owning it more than I ever have and I can't say it as truth.  I'm the one who lives with these conditions; I am the only one that can tell me how to react to them.  I am learning to react more lovingly to myself.  Yay me.

May you 'Yay' on yourself today for something positive you did.!

Living in a chaotic and a cluttered environment is not my thing.   Moving creates clutter and chaos.  So, I'm living in chaos and clutter for now and to find the scotch tape or an item that I put in a safe place to be easy to find is not happening.  Ha.

I'm learning greatly.  I am growing, I hope, in leaps and bounds.  I am tired.  I do feel like my back is not supported by professionals that I pay to have them support me.   I even ask them to support me, they say, 'yes definitely'.  I do not feel supported in the way I would like to feel supported.  I'm learning how to grow my peace in what feels nothing like a peaceful situation to me.

So, I'm back.   I am here.   I have pent up emotions, feelings, thoughts and I know I am contracting my body more than expanding it.  I believe the high blood pressure comes from this.   I need to let go, start again and let myself be peaceful even when I haven't learned how in this situation yet.

It is a real hoot.  A hoot I'd rather live without.  But, I guess, a hoot that is here to teach me strength, stamina and revising myself in order to live through.

May you revise who you are to live through [more easily] what is being shown to you; what you are involved in; where you want to go; who you want to be; and what you want to feel.

I believe in you.  Baby steps allowed.  Giant steps, just now, may be being forced on you.  If this feels the case to you, may you believe it is only because you definitely, 100%, are able to handle it/them.

Ce Sera Sera

Live your best self through it all even when you wouldn't label your best self full of ease and happiness just now.  If you do know ease and happiness just now, be fully aware; bathe in it even.  Let gratitude be plentiful.  Enjoy you and it immensely.

We all know challenges.  We all know rewards.  We all know ease.  We all experience the fullness of a not knowing.

We are here to experience through what we know (and don't know), how we think and what we allow ourselves to believe.  May you believe in yourself.  May you be here.  May you be fully present as best you can. In this moment, you can breathe and in this moment is the only moment we can live and we are okay (underneath/above it all); we live.

I've missed you.  I surely hope you are always working on being kind to yourself with great success.