Be U: Roiled

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, February 22, 2019

Roiled

Roiling - to be irritated, vexed, stirring up sediment, disquieted, disturbed (dictionary.com)

I was having a conversation yesterday and I heard myself saying that my outer body feels calm and relaxed for the most part; my inner body feels like it is roiling.

I wasn’t sure what the word meant. I looked it up. Yes. Yes. This fits how my inside feels just now. Unsettled. Uncomfortable. I do not fancy the feeling very much.

I breathe deeply. It helps. It doesnt go away. I lie in bed watching the sky grow from dark to day as the black out shade that was recently hung is stuck in the open position. There’s electricity there. However, the shade does not respond to my request to close.

Roiling inside feels kind of like electrical currents not working together. They work independent of one another and create disharmony. I would like them to work together in unison, harmony and create homeostasis inside of myself. I think they are also not responding to my request for inner harmony.

So what is a woman to do... !

I plan to do some stretching, some yoga, more breathing that I can connect better to my own inner peace as I know it is there. I have been shown it often enough to know it and to make it a priority in my life. When I live from inner peace, I flow better with what is. I trust better the process of life. My relationships are better. I am more able to be creative, loving and, yes, even awesome. Ha! There is a feeling of accomplishment and ease.

May you find and allow yourself to feel your feelings of accomplishment, ease, and, yes, awesomeness. !

If you like the way you are feeling just now, may you hug yourself, thank yourself and be totally enjoying you. Yay!

If you don’t enjoy the way you are feeling just now, may you move the energy of you around. Do something to release, let go, rechannel as you do your best to embrace it while requesting it to teach, inform you and move through you.

Perhaps, roiling is a stepping stone to going deeper, getting clear, connecting to what is that we are being asked to change to what will be. Perhaps, it is one way of letting go of what no longer serves our highest good and is moving us to live in the best place inside of ourselves to create the best next path forward.

May we unroil the roiling from a place of awareness, being mindful, being loving and kind and being open to the request to do something different. Dare to walk into the unknown knowing you have everything you need already inside of you for this life of yours that you are living.

I believe in you. I believe in me. I believe in us. I believe in the human race. I have met far too many awesome and kind people to believe any different.

May you walk your path embracing as much as you can and letting kindness and love be your go to emotions... because You are worth it.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!