Shine On

May you Shine On!

I'm still in the throes of medicine/non-medicine; doctors/no doctors...

I'm being told to take new drugs while letting go of the old ones.  My body is so used to the old ones that this cannot be done overnight.

I have to sign a form every time I go to the pain management doctor that I am telling the truth; that I am taking the recommended medicine; and that I am not selling any of same.

They are asking me to take stronger medicine.  How will I be able to take less on the days that my body can handle less...  Is this not supposed to happen so that I can stay 'even' on medicine and feel most 'normal'...   It is a real fiasco that I find myself in.

I am currently seeing four doctors and they all only handle one aspect of me.  Why do the pain management doctors take my blood pressure but do nothing or say nothing about it being a bit high...  Why does the psychiatrist ask me to ask the rheumatologist to give me a certain amount and kind of medicine so that I may wean off what the rheumatologist has/had me on...   Why does the rheumatologist not fill the script as asked by the psychiatrist.    Oh, what a hoot.   Not.

I am learning more and more to just stand in the truth of what is as it shows itself and, whether I like it or not, allow it to flow as I bring my own truth to it.   It is the best way through...  Probably and perhaps, the easiest way even if it doesn't feel so....

Oh, being human...  it surely allows for much and/or everything to be experienced.

May you experience your life from your truth as it shows up and shine who you are in it as often as possible; through as much gentle love as possible.

Perhaps, it is the best way.  'What you do not feel, you do not heal'....

May you allow yourself to heal by being real in every breath that you take.

Shine your loving, easy and even hard truth on whatever shows up in your life.  Perhaps, this is the greatest inner peace we can experience.

                                                                   Unknown

Happy Day

Today is a happy day for me.  I declare it to be so.

Yes, I am in the middle of one of the biggest changes in my life - my healthcare professionals, drugs, thoughts, processes and I am walking in the unknown.

So many steps are feeling misplaced as I walk through this.  They are definitely steps of a certain kind that I have never stepped before.

The whole healthcare system where I am is so different than the last 38 years that I have been challenged to find what works best for me through pain, dis-ease and my truth.

I am challenged.   I am challenged to let go of the past and to let the present evolve into what it will.  Yes, I am a participant.  Yes, I am human.  Yes, I have no clear clarity of what is to come.

Deep down within, with me always knowing I was supposed to live in Florida from a very young age of 17, and from my innate trust in God, the universe and myself, I feel myself releasing the struggle to be right; do it right; follow things right and share right...

I share when I can; my truth as best I can.  I always have.  I hope I always will.

I do what my lessons and society have taught me what is right to my best ability.

I struggle between what I know is right for me and what I have taught myself is the right way to do things.

I find myself releasing all of this as the challenge, the pain, the unbearable is too much to bear.

I stand in my truth and I walk on from here.  I see the truth through my eyes and I walk my heart, body and mind through these unknowns knowing that all is well; all is as it needs to be; and all is for my highest good.

I believe.  I need to.   It is what propels me to carry on.

So, as I have four pills left with new scripts at the pharmacy and the lack of knowing when or if they will be filled - I stop the struggle.

It has always worked out in the past.  I have always fallen into the drama of not having medicine that my body has been so dependent on.  I am done.  I cannot 'play' this game anymore.

It will be what it will be and I will be as I am.  I am within the best of my ability to be and live me...  And, this is where I find myself this morning.

May you be what you will be as you live and are as you connect to your own innate guidance and love.  This is the best way to carry our humanness; just perhaps...

Evolved You

There is much talk about the "Shift" and "Awakening" and "being awake"....

There is much talk about this last blood moon, that is happening now, when the moon is behind the earth and it allows for much growth towards our truest of selves.

Exciting times.  Challenging times.  Changing times.

May I offer to bring your true self into every situation as best you can.  Be open minded and breathe into your self.

Be who you are from a place of trust, love and inner knowing as best you can.

Be true to you through kindness and gentleness.

'See' what is in front of you and flow with it from your truest of self. 

This, I believe, is what the universe is asking of all of us.  And, I believe it is for our highest good.

It may not feel so.  It may feel downright uneasy or close to impossible. 

Stay open to the big picture and follow the path as you know it to be; in front of you now - as you are now.  Follow your inner guidance; trust the process of your life; and, as I often say -- trust yourself to be there and know/do/and be everything that you are in the time it shows itself to you.

You are okay.  Live in your now from your most loving and truthful place.

May this propel you into your fulfilled, content and your whole self.

Ballad of Oh Boy...

Well; I walk on in my truth and my life (as it comes to me). 

I went to pain management doctor and he will help and support me.   He knows scleroderma.  ! 

I have to still get a release from a doctor and he gave me names of same.   I went yesterday and got a release and she suggested that I go to the rheumatologist and have him wean me from one of my two addictive drugs.   I'm all for this as I'd like to see who I am without it.  I am still waiting to hear if the rheumatologist will support me in this.

I am closer to a team of new doctors.   I am hopeful.   I believe that this could be the Universe/God bringing me into a place that is for my highest good now, today, and I will be feeling better than I have in quite some time.  I feel this.

I hesitate a fraction because I also believed I was destined to be living in a different house than I am now and that did not turn out as I believed.

And, yet, without belief, life (for me) can feel emptier.   Belief, and to believe in positive and happy things are what I need/want to do.

So, I believe that I am on my best path possible and it is an awesome path. 

When I look at the big picture of the totality of my life, this is easy(ier) to see.  When I look at what stands currently around me; not so much...

May you look at the big picture of your life and know that things happen the way they are supposed to; things happen in the time they are supposed to.  And, if something is supposed to happen in your life, there is nothing or no one that will get in its way or change it.  And, you and your life were made for all of these things.

I believe in us.  I believe in the process of life.  I believe in you.

May you believe in you.  May you believe in the process of life.

 

Be Ok

I would like to offer that where you are in this very moment, as you are here reading these words - you are okay.   Not in the moment previous to this.  Perhaps, not in the moment that comes after.

But, right now, right here, in this breath, you are okay.

I seem to be feeling only this.  When I look or 'feel' into the past - even the past breath(s), I do not find much comfort just now.  When I think about what is coming up and my future breath(s), I do not feel peace and knowing.

However, in this breath, right now, I know that I am okay and all is well and all is as it is for my greatest and highest good in the totality of my living life.

And, this is enough for me; right now, today.

All is enough coming from this place that I am right now.  It may not be as I thought it would.  It may not feel as I wished it would.  It may not 'breathe' as I envisioned.... And, it is and I am all okay.

May you know that right now in this second, whatever you are feeling and/or doing, you are okay.  This moment you are living, breathing and surviving.   You may be in thrive mode.  You may not.  You are in okay mode because you are here.

No matter what, your survival record (thus far) is 100%.  It will continue to be so until it is not.... and this just may make everything okay.

I wish you okay and beyond...

May you allow okay and beyond to be yours...

Deep Breath

On Monday, it is my 'pain management' appointment.  I received a call this afternoon to confirm it and in the message that was left, I was told that it is an 'injection only' appointment.  

Oh my my my my my....

I so don't understand the issues, problems, time and stress that moving from Pennsylvania to Florida has caused me in regards to my health and my healthcare issues.

It has been well over a year and I am still not situated with doctors and help where I feel safe and taken care of.

It reminds me of the first five years of scleroderma way back starting in 1977.  Crazy.

I do not have as much energy nor will to walk through this.  And, I will as it is the only way I know.

So, we will see what happens on Monday at the appointment and walk on from there.

When we reach out, stay open and believe...  sometimes, it is enough.   I am hoping that it will be so.

May you find/know/allow 'enough' as you walk forward daily.

Hello

I have returned from my trip to Pennsylvania; my old place of residence.  I stayed with my sister and celebrated the upcoming wedding of her first born.  My goal was to experience this wondrous time of her son falling in love with the woman of his dreams and to celebrate the upcoming nuptials through shower, bachelorette party and details, details, details.

When two families (in this case anyway) merge together to walk forward in and with their children's love, many emotions, lines, boundaries and truths are experienced.  Both parents have been married for over 30 years and they both danced to the song "Always and Forever" in their own weddings. 

It was a lot of fun, a lot of joy and I met a lot of new people and connected to many friends and family members that I hadn't seen for between 2 and 8 years! 

My days were full of love as I walked in and with an open heart.

My sister and I did fun things planning and building the wedding day from her own eyes and the two getting married. 

I am so grateful for this time.  I wouldn't have missed it and I am glad I didn't have to.  !!!

My health held up pretty darn good if I must say so myself.  5 days in is where my body and mind said enough, you need some downtime.  My spirit kept me soaring through til the end. 

I realized that when I am with people and doing things, it is much easier to forget/ignore the self.  I believe this ability is worthy.  I also believe the ability to give to one's self during these times is worthy as well.  I believe to accomplish a balance that allows for togetherness and alone time is what works best for me.  I think I did pretty good.  Yay!

May you realize when you want together time and when you want alone time...  May you give yourself permission to achieve what you want as often as possible.  This is where health, love and spirit soar the best. 

I wish for your spirit to always soar as best as possible.

Only we, ourselves, manage this.   This, perhaps, is good news and bad news.  May we tap into it being only the good news way more than not!

Me You You Me

I am not feeling strong in my head/brain just now.  I am feeling dizzy, weak and off.  The thought of driving scares me. 

It is dark, rainy, thunderous and little wind.  I have learned to love this weather.  These daily storms are endearing to me and allow me to turn off and relax.  Naps are wonderful during these dark days.

I am getting ready to go to the therapist.  I find that the more anxious and 'dizzy' I feel as I drive myself there, the more useful and productive the appointment is.  Today just may be a real deep and productive one! 

I am going 'home' to Pennsylvania this weekend.  My oldest nephew is getting married in November and the shower and bachelorette parties are this weekend.  I will stay at my awesome and caring sister's house with my very wonderful brother-in-law.   They are so caring and want to be helpful to me.  They are a blessing in my life.

There will be many things from Shambala there.  I will be four miles from it.  I do not think I want to drive by or feel the loss of it.  I may have to.  This has me in a state of flux and despair. 

I really did have everything.  It was a lot of work.  Every where I looked there was 'me' and things that I loved.  I was surrounded by comfort and ease; animals and people.  I was and always will be greatly and enormously blessed to have experienced creating, building and living in my Shambala.

It is no longer mine.   Other people live there.  I have no connection to PA other than my wonderful family.  No more doctors who had me.  No more safety, comfort and pride in it all. 

There is good and bad to everything... everything....

I must walk through it all.  I want to walk through it all.  I want to bring my truth to it all.  I want to conquer, allow, create and experience it all.  

This is what I am here to do.  And, my next step is to share it with you.   I know I am here to do this sure as I know breath is what keeps me alive.

So, as I swim in the off-balanced mode that I am feeling, I drive on to my appointment.

I know God has me.  I now I have me.  I know I am ok even when I feel not so.

May you know that you are okay even when you are not feeling so...  Maybe, especially when you are not feeling so...

Be kind and gentle and loving to you...  Yes, let you support yourself through,  feel yourself through and party like a rock star at every chance you get!    Ha.

Circus

My days have been like a circus - entertaining and questionable...

I have gone to the doctors that I had appointments with, made phone calls that came out of these appointments and while I am okay for this month with medicine and kinda/sorta help, I remain lost in myself, the illness, the unknown (aren't we all) and the unanswered question of how to be well.

The second doctor I saw last week - the experience I created was a hoot; for lack of a better word.

I thought my appointment was 2:30.   At 12:40 pm, I realized my appointment was at 1 pm.  Oh My!  Forget the shower, forget the relaxed with ease trip to find his office -- I was off and running! 

By 12:45 I was in my car and traveling south to the new doctor's office.  I was going 80 mph and I was on the phone - on hold - to speak with the office so that I would tell them I would be a 'bit' late.  For 15 minutes I was on hold...  I hung up after that.   I stopped twice to ask directions as I know I was in the block where I was supposed to go.  I parked in the parking garage, went up the elevator to the 14th floor and was called back into the doctor's office.  The nurse said they do a lot of people with scleroderma and which hand am I here about.  I stated that I was here regarding the whole scleroderma disease.  We rushed through this preliminary meeting because of myself being late.  The doctor came in only to find out that he is only a hand surgeon.  He is the guy who amputates the fingers that scleroderma knocks out.  Double freakin Yikes!  Not what I'm looking for...  now and, I hope, ever.

Needless to say, it was a bust and it was my own fault for not doing more research.  However, I was told that this here doctor was the doctor that was taking the patients of the woman doctor whose passion is scleroderma who won't be in til October.  This hand surgeon knew nothing about that...   Can I get an Oh My!  oh well

Last thing I have going for me just now is the meeting/appointment with the pain management doctor who can see me on the 21 September. 

So, as my head slowly stops spinning, I realize my part in all of this.   Why there is much out of my control, there are some things that are always in my control.  Namely, the way I react to each and every experience. 

I wish to react in what feels best in and on me.  I, surely, do not always do this.   I, surely, would like it to be so.

May you react to each and every experience you encounter with your greatest and highest good.  You know you got it if you are true to you and kind even when anger and frustration show up.   It is a choice.  We can put this energy out as anger and pain.  We can put it out as anger and love.

Yes, I get angry.  When I beat the pillows or lay on the bed and kick and scream; when I scream in the car or when I jump up and down to release this anger, this is through love.   When I scream and scare or put a person on defense because of my anger, this is pain (for me). 

May you know and feel the difference and may you choose the one that is most loving towards yourself and others as often as possible.

Whoop  Whoop

Taking a Breather

I breathe in.                 I breathe out.

I follow my breath as my body pulls in the air and fills up my stomach like a balloon.  It fills up my lungs.  I notice it in my back.  I hold it for a second or two.

I let it go.  I feel and watch the air leave my body.  I deflate and hold on to nothing.  I stay here for a second or two.

I breathe in... and... out.  I watch my breath and just let it be...  as life flows in and out of me.

As I breathe in, I notice the air is cool.   As I breathe out, I notice the air is warmer.

I breathe.

I know gratitude for my breath.  I know peace within my breath. 

May you be aware of your breath and may you know gratitude and peace in this moment.

Deepak Chopra

I saw this the other day and, WOW, I like it! 

"Fear is the memory of pain.  Addiction is the memory of pleasure.  Freedom is beyond both."  Deepak Chopra

How about that!  Fear comes when we think something may be painful and/or embarassing, usually linked to past experiences.

Addiction is created because something once (past experience(s)) gave us a deep pleasure and we want to feel that pleasure again.  However, to recreate or to get the same reaction, I am not sure it is 100% possible.  I am sure that this pleasurable feeling alters. 

To be free of fear and addiction is truly freeing.  To let go of and stop holding on to past experiences, emotions and feelings is to be free.  I do believe that this can be done.  I am unsure that it can be done 100%.  I am sure that it can be done to a point that it doesn't play a role in stopping us from moving forward, being our best self, loving our self, knowing our own great worth and taking up space in our thoughts.

May you be free... one breath at a time.

Doctor Doctor

I am having some time with finding new, knowledgeable, fully helpful, one stop doctoring here in my area.  It has been over a year.

I am having issues with pain and not having enough pain medicine.  I am being asked/told to take more and more tests; same of which I have taken for the last almost 40 years.  Yikes!  I don't mind once in a while but every 3-6 months when nothing has changed in my symptoms.  oh boy

I was told yesterday the doctor could not increase my pain medicine from 4 a day and he was helpful with a pain management doctor.  The person that called to take in all my information from the pain management office had clear view of my past doctors from forever but had never heard of scleroderma.   Ouch

I was asked who this and that doctor was.  He asked me where my back pain was.  What has America come to...   I have no back pain.

It truly does make me Not want to be 'sick'.   I am being open to this being a possible good thing?!?!?

So, today, I try another doctor.   I'm going right to the big gun (yes, perhaps, it would've been good if I started here but I guess it wasn't my journey).  I am going to Cleveland Clinic in West Palm Beach.  

My husband saw that there is a woman doctor there whose passion is scleroderma.   She won't be in the office until October but there is a stand in and so I will go see if they have anything they can add to my repertoire of knowledge and to see if they can also be the one to prescribe me enough pain meds so that I won't be afraid of taking it when I need it and running out, having to beg and feeling like a criminal all while feeling weak, pained and frightened of same.

Oh the web of our lives.  We all have something.  This is surely my something.

Is it possible that this is showing up in my life because I struggle with taking pain medicine and not taking pain medicine...  Anything is possible.  This is not a time to say hoot - although it almost typed out.  Ha!

So as I go forward to my next quest, I am not comfortable.  I need drugs to just get the drugs that I was put on so many years ago and that, yes, my body is 'dependant' upon. or is it addicted...  I don't know if my body knows the difference.  

Yet, my mind understands it.  It is a struggle none-the-less.

May you walk your truth in your own struggle from a self-love, self-nurturing place as much as possible.  It is the very best we humans can do.

I wish you as much ease, love, healing, heart and inner knowing as possible.  May you bring you and your life forward, with love, completely present as you.

                                                        Unknown

Time of Reckoning

Is it a time of 'reckoning' or a time of 'wreckoning'....  Perhaps, it is both.

Many of us feel uprooted.   Many of us are literally moving, changing, altering our lives.  Many of us feel like life has us spent as we grow, together, into this great and improved world..?!?!!!

The world of technology.  It has taken over much of the world of humanity.   We are learning to gather, connect, and be in harmony with both.

There are great things that technology has given us; things I never thought I would experience.

The human connection has and is changing greatly.  The way we connect is way different than it was even 10 years ago.

We are all battling to keep up and loving the able-ness of all that technology provides.

Is there one person completely at peace with it...  I don't know.  I struggle to be connected to all the social media sites as "Just 9Be U".  I am learning.  I am better than I was yesterday.  I am not as able as I will be tomorrow.

I think most of us are like this.  Even the technologists, while they have a much better understanding, so many of the professionals are even greatly challenged by it all.   There is no one person that knows it all.

And, isn't this how it has always been...

No one person ever knows it all.

Individually, we can do great and awesome things.  When we work together, through connection, trust, goal and heart, we can and do out-of-this-world things.

It seems that what I keep going back to is that life works best when we bring our best and truest self 'to the table', the wonder of life's fulfillments are recognized within us.

So, yes, as much that is going on feels like a wreck to me.  There is much going on that is recognized and reckoned with. 

We ARE finding our best way.  Most of us are finding it through kindness, care of one another, truth, and sharing of same.  We are realizing that anger is detrimental when not worked out through as much kindness as we can bring to it.  It is okay to be angry.  It is what we do with this anger that either hurts or helps us.

Continue on.  We are right where we are supposed to be.  Drop out and off of this learning adventure any time you feel overwhelmed and need a break.  You may not be able to drop completely out.  And, if you cannot, I have to believe we can drop back at least a little.  Even if it is to sit and look and breathe at the clock for one full minute.  It is something that alters the state of 'what is' presently going on. 

Relax your shoulders.  Fill your belly up with breath.  Feel your feet on the ground.  Feel the presence of your being and what it is experiencing in the moment.  Feel the chair underneath you support you.  Hear the sound that catches you attention when you let it.  Stretch up to the sky or down to the ground. 

Nature.  Get out in nature.  Breath it in.  See it.  Watch it.  Feel it.  Smell it.  Hear it.  Be open to it. 

May you allow the natural you to recognize yourself as same.

You are worth it.

Namaste'

You

Life.   My life is centered around me.  What I think; what I know; what I feel; what I do... This is where/what my life is created from.  Your life is centered around you.  What you think; what you feel; what you do...  This is where/what your life is created from. 

I'm still having issues with finding one doctor to support and back me up whenever needed (within reason).  I'm missing having full support from my doctor of 30 years.  It did take us a while to create the connection that we had.

While waiting, searching and questioning, I find my blood pressure going up.  My discomfort in not feeling like I am safe is creating a higher blood pressure for myself.  This is not what I would call fun...

So, as I find myself getting closer and closer to hopefully real and helpful connections and answers, I find my pressure lowering back to normal.

Just feeling unsafe; just feeling unheard; just feeling unimportant by one person can affect me greatly.  Some may say I'm too sensitive.  I was often told to grow a thicker skin.  Well, apparently I listened but it did not make me less sensitive.  Ha!

So, as I see this happening and hear others telling me their woes and concerns of their own  -  there is much that coincides with what we are doing and thinking and what our health is like...

May you be aware of what you are thinking and feeling.  If you do not like it, may you stop and change it when you can.   When you cannot, it is okay, you are, perhaps, not supposed to yet.  However, the awareness is the first to show up.  

May you stay aware and grow into the relaxed, loving, awesome person that you were made to be.  Yep, you have it in you.   !!!  Ha!   Of course you do!   Carry it and use all of your greatness.

The Marianne Williamson poem that speaks of not being afraid of our fear as much as we are afraid of our own power; our own awesomeness...   well, there is truth to this for many.    It is time to create your life through your awesome self as much as possible.  My wish.

                                                        Unknown