Pent-Up Energy

I am experiencing pent-up anger and/or frustration.  I see myself screaming at the computer screen; making fists (as best I can) and just letting me rip.

There is an irritability that is running through my body especially in my arms and I must let it go.  I may go kick and scream on the bed next.

I can't seem to know what or where it is coming from other than the semi-conscious thought of all the pain I allowed myself to go through because I didn't know better or do better.  There was not a different path to bring me here to today other than the way I lived.  Getting a dis-ease that could not be treated well or healed happened.  'It is what it is.' 

I thought my world needed to look one way instead of feeling my way through.  Well, feeling my way through seems to be the only option for me now.

So, I will honor this as best I can.

This morning, on social media, I write about calm, tranquil and may you feel 'undisturbed'.   Very interesting as now - what I am feeling is disturbed...

Quite a hoot, if I just get out of my own way and let me 'rip'...

May you just get out of your own way and let you rip...

                                                      (Unknown)

Stillness

In the stillness of not feeling good, I see truth.  In the stillness of feeling weak, I see strength.  In the stillness of hurting, I see love.

I see all these things.  But, what do I feel...

I feel horrible in my human body.  I hurt.  I suffer.   I know fear.  I know quiet. 

I'm at a point where I am not strong enough to keep reaching out for help from the doctors.  It is my belief that they do not know what to do for me; what I need; what can be done to stop my suffering. 

I took benedryl last night to rid myself of the 'Effexor rash' and it had a very weird reaction on me.  I dreamt horribly angry and hateful situations.  I just remember seeing myself in situations - I don't remember what they were - but I remember 'hating' them and not wanting to be there.  And, I remember being there because of myself allowing someone else to put me there.  My life was being tossed and turned not by me.  There was someone else in control.  And, I wasn't going to allow it anymore. 

They thought big.  They thought fancy.  They thought go go go.  I remember waking up very angry.  I awoke to a terrible headache where I was afraid to move my head. 

I still find myself dizzy and 'off'.  I will not take more benedryl.  My rash has gotten a lot better.

  Oh what a journey.

It feels like my head just wants to re-up/re-vamp.  Start fresh.  Start over.  To  not allow; create; or to be in suffering anymore.

I did not do a good job at acquiring antibiotics.  So, I will go the weekend without them.  I just hear a voice saying I am tired; I am tired; I am tired.

This part of being human is not even close to fun.  This part of being human is challenging.  This part of being human feels really lousy.

I keep thinking on the other side of this though...   just get to the other side of this...

I have [very] many times before - gotten to the other side of 'this'. 

I have lived wonderfully.  I have lived fully.  I have lived better than I ever dreamed possible.  I will again.   I am open to create 'awesome' again.

For now, I know the stillness of feeling terrible; physically and mentally terrible. 

I do not fight the stillness because it feels like it would be for naught.  I open my heart in the stillness.  I want to open my heart more to me/myself in this stillness. 

Let me feel my own compassion; my own empathy; my own concern and love...

May you feel your own compassion; your own empathy; your own concern and love.

        

                                                 (Unknown)

Suffering

Suffering.   I don't even like the word. 

To suffer means...  "to undergo or feel pain or distress"  (dictionary.com)

Do they not go hand in hand...  When in pain, we feel distress.   When we are distressed, sometimes pain can show up.   So, perhaps, it isn't always either or.  It is both.

I am currently in both. 

My rash is at an all-time redness, swollen and extremely itchy time.  It is definitely from a drug called Effexor.  It is even mentioned as the 'Effexor rash' on the internet.  I read where it is very hard to get off of.  I know this already.  If it helps - only the person taking it knows.

To read other people's experience can make mine feel more real.   I find this interesting.  Why won't I just own mine as mine and let it be so/true/accurate/spot on.

I was told to take Benedryl.   It knocked me out.  I slept two hours and it felt like I just blinked.  Perhaps, that is a good thing.  I wasn't suffering just then.

I have asked the Rheumatologist to call in an antibiotic for me as they cannot fit me in until next week.  My body is needing an antibiotic for my thumb.  It is not having a good day; weeks, if I was being honest.

I realized that I had to use my right hand to hold the phone to my left ear so that I could talk.  My left thumb is not good just now and my right ear is swollen three times its size from the rash.   Ouch. 

I heard myself saying that, perhaps, I don't even know that I am suffering as much as I am because I have let suffering be part of my life.  What is up with this...   

I am going to do my best to own my suffering like I would for another.  I would be so helpful if someone I knew was going through this.  Yet, as I am going through it, I think it as 'normal', 'ok', 'just have to live with it'...   I ask myself WHY....

Perhaps, I do not. 

I do believe we all suffer in one way or another at one time or another (or four or five) but we surely don't have to constantly suffer.   I sure hope not anyway.  And, even in the suffering there is great love if I allow it.

To be human is to feel it all - including the suffering.  The suffering doesn't feel so hot.  In fact, there is nothing at all I like about it.  So why wouldn't I do everything in my power to feel it, process it and let it go.   Let it not stay dormant inside of me.  Let it not be my 'norm'. 

Do I have a choice....  I don't know for sure.   If I have a choice, I choose to feel it, process it and let it go.

So, as I am struggling to just type this out and I hear a bunch of 'chatter' in my head - negative chatter, I also feel childlike and silly that I have to 'report this' information out.  That this is my truth.  The child in me feels this the most.   Or at least it feels this way in this very moment.  I feel like a child. 

May I realize I am suffering and take action to process through it and do everything in my power to not allow it to stick around.  Ignoring it is not the answer for me. 

It is debilitating; crippling; stressful and nothing else really matters as much because it is all that I can think of. 

Well, new thoughts are on their way.  I may be suffering now, but I'm going to 'shake' my way through this and empower myself in this and strengthen the love within to flourish from within out.

I am truly exhausted.  I have very little to give to even myself at this point and I just want the suffering to end. 

It feels like my soul is calling to love stronger, do better and let it all out.  Let the truth of everything I am out and give it a voice. 

So, this is what I will 'play with' now.  May I allow it to be easy, simple and free.   Just being true to me.

May you allow life to be easy, simple and free just being true about you.

                                                  (unknown)

Get Up Stand Up

I tried an anti-depressant drug.  I admit I did not want to and while I have sadness, I think that there are real reasons for my sadness..  I hear myself asking myself why do I want to numb it out...

I slept for 24 hours.  Could hardly move to get myself something to eat.  I developed a rash on my arm and ear of all 'interesting' places.  Itches badly. 

I wake up today - not taking the drug yesterday - the rash has gone down and I will be happy when it is gone.  This is my first experience with an itchy rash other than chicken pox when I was a wee little one.

This, again, tells me my answer is inside of me.  What is a woman to do...

My thumb had an excruciating day on Sunday.  The good news was that during my 24 hour sleep, it hurt less. 

I feel beat up.   Not a fun feeling at all.  I can easily call myself 'loser' just now.   I resist as I only think about calling myself same.!.!.

My husband mentioned that this was my mountain to climb just now.  It does feel like one.  We watch Ninja Warrior and how awesome, exciting, mentally able and physically strong they are.  And, here I am with a rash that drives me crazy.

How different our lives are.  Perhaps, they are supposed to be so.  How entertaining for me to watch these young, strong go getters.  It does take my mind off my own current ailments.  I am sure that they are not without struggle.  And, I say awesome on them for doing what they love and are good at.

May you let your awesome in and do what you love and what you are good at.  Do not compare yourself to another. 

You are exactly where you are supposed to be.  Look around.  Feel.  Know.   Be.   Inspire.   Know what it is that is good in your life; in you.   If it feels right to you, build upon this.  Build upon your own mental and physical ability.  Be a go getter in your own life and I'm thinking there are people in this world that admire you and your strengths.  You could be one of them.  How cool would this be... to be your own greatest admirer...  from your own inner depth knowing that you are a divine being.  

                                                       Unknown

Continue On

We continue on.   Life continues on.  People continue on.  I continue on.  You continue on.

We continue on though, from and to.  This is life.   What you and I are experiencing right now in this minute is living; is life.

We can choose to beat ourselves (and each other up).  We can choose to be calm.  We can choose to be dramatic.  We can choose fulfillment.  We can choose emptiness. 

Yet, no matter what we choose, we continue on.

I am still in pain just now.  I wake up to an inflamed, sore, 'falling apart' thumb.  It is not happy.  I am not thrilled.  I am quiet.  I am kind.  I am learning and allowing kindness towards self to win as often as possible.

May you choose to allow kindness, self-kindness, to win as often as possible.

Swollen

'Mrs.' Thumb is swollen and red and close to screaming as I wake up this morning.    It is immovable and unusable.

I am so glad that I had forgotten (mostly) what this pain feels like when my skin on my finger is not getting the appropriate amount of blood and starts to die.  Man, that sounds unpleasant.  And, this is what I am currently living with.  OUCH.

It seems to zap energy from my entire body to be able to cope with this one finger 'malfunctioning'.   I guess, in truth, my whole body is somewhat malfunctioning but I can still do things like eat.  Ha. 

My appetite has been little lately.  Perhaps, this is a good thing as I was eating for comfort for over a year now.  Ever since I started on with new doctors and everything that came with it for me.  Why couldn't I have taken an easier, less draining stance on these rules and regulations down here.  They played right into my fear of need for drugs and need for back up to feel safe...   How interesting is this...

So, here I go aiming to be nicer to myself; kinder to my trials; and more self-compassionate towards, well, self.

It feels like the right road.  It feels like the only road left just about.  So, what a wonderful road that is opening for me as I peel yet another layer from the onion that is me.  Ha.

The thought of washing my own hair or even making my own food or breaking a pill in half or picking up the dog or answering the door feels ugh and scary to me.  Draining and harsh.  Painful and not easy...

SO, I stay open to what I will do next and I do it with love, not being concerned about how long or slow I have to take or be and praying that I will get to the other side of these [most of the time] easy things to do.

How blessed I have a wonderful husband who is here for me.   How blessed that he hasn't given up on me or left me or is so tired of this that he can't cope.  I do believe that it is just as hard - if not harder - on the caregiver than the patient.  The patient doesn't feel good and goes by 'my' experience.  The caregiver feels good and goes by 'my' experience.  How stinko is that for them.

If I believe what I believe:  that we pick our lives before we come here; we choose our partners, parents, life story - then we both signed up for this...  there is some peace in this belief and it doesn't make it easy.  My husband is my soulmate.  We met when I was 25 and we have been together ever since... August 1, 1985.  It was a blue moon and it was a night neither one of us will ever forget.  We were caught from the very beginning.  We had the most magical courtship and marriage for a long, long time.  We did many fun and off the wall spontaneous things.  I was 'sick' when we met, but most of the time I pretended otherwise.  That was my way of not giving in to the dis-ease.  We traveled, flew in helicopters, sailed on yachts, explored canyons and dormant volcanoes.  We snorkeled.  We were inseparable.  I will always be grateful for these memories.

I'm not giving up.  I know some of our best days are ahead of us.  We are working towards this being so.  And, for today, I am grateful for where I am.

Pain has a way of taking us in to the depth of ourselves if we allow it.  The depth of our own self is a spectacular place.  A place where I know everything is okay even when it doesn't feel so.  I know love, connection, beauty, hope, truth, trust and life being magical.  I almost don't enjoy the human side of me as the depth of me is so much an easier place for me to live. 

But, alas, I am human too.  So, I take the good with the not so good.  The connections through open hearts and minds.  I see and feel the struggles.  I see and feel the suffering.  I believe the more true and solid we are at our depth, the less struggle and suffering we will connect to.

May you open up to your depth.  Open up to the adventure of you from a place that you just know you belong.  May you share yourself with yourself and others from a place of trust, truth and love as often as possible.  May you let the depth of you rise up.  You are magical.  May you let yourself be so.

Ease on, up, out and forward.  Let your heart and mind be swollen with the magical truth of you. 

Peaceful Breath

May you breathe.  May you gently, lovingly, knowingly breathe. 

Miracles are everywhere.  They, perhaps, are easier to see through our peaceful breath.

May you let yourself create a peaceful breath especially at times when you are least likely to have one...

                                                    Picture Unknown

Discouraged

I am discouraged as I sit here to type and try not to hit my left thumb on the keyboard as it is swollen, red and shows sign of infection.  

What is a woman to do?!?!

I just had the dogs for a small walk and it is so very hot that just standing still had sweat going down my back... and I don't usually sweat.   Have to say that it felt kinda good.  Ha.   But the heaviness of the heat, - wow - do I feel sorry for the men and women who have to work out in it.  Especially, people that work with hot equipment already. 

You have to be very healthy and strong to be able to do this.  I'm thankful to all of you that do this to keep our lives better.

The concierge doctor is a great idea.  I do think I'm looking for answers that are not there; yet and/or through the medical field.

So, I sit with the pain.  I get up and try to run from the pain.   I put PAV on my finger.  I gently massage my hand.   I pray.  I cry.   I get through. 

Some days are just better than others, I suppose.   I do my best to embrace them all.  Through truth, trust, love, faith and tears, cursing, feeling sorry for myself, I get by.

May you let you be everything that you are and do your best to get by; knowing that you will.  Somehow, some way, some day, maybe today, you always get by.

We humans are stronger than we know.  May we don't have to see so often how strong we are!

May you let your gentle strength always carry you forward.

Dive

From the book "The Wisdom We're Born With" by the fabulous, brilliant, compassionate, human, Daniel Gottlieb; Dr. Daniel Gottlieb.

"... reminding me of what a child does when splashing in the ocean for the first time.  As the waves come rolling in, one impulse is to run away. But if you do that, the waves will knock you down.  Another impulse is to stand there, be strong, and brace against the full force of the incoming wave.  But if you do that, the waves will still knock you down. 

The only way to maintain your stability is to dive into the wave.  That's counterintuitive.  The impulse to run and the impulse to stand firm are far stronger.  But in order to get through trauma and get on with our lives, with our relationships, we have to do the counterintuitive thing.  We need to take a deep breath and dive into the wave.  And maybe, beneath the roaring foam and hurtling water, we will find the calm that lies beneath the surface."


Is today your day to dive into the peacefulness beneath the surface...  Is today your day to dive away from the noise; through the fear, and find that you are 'home'... because you are giving yourself freedom to "Just Be U".   Freedom to do you true.  Freedom to dive into all that you are. 

I wish you this freedom.  Doesn't matter what it looks like, feels like or sounds like, the goal is to dive and know that as you find yourself 'in the calm', you know, hear, see and feel what your next step (even if it needs to be another dive) is.  I believe.  I believe in this.  I believe in you.  I believe in me. 

Freedom to believe you were born awesome.  Don't let the waves or the current 'far stronger impulses' or yourself stand in your own way to all that you are and are destined to be any longer. 

May you dive.  If you are uncomfortable, fearful, know there is something more yet for you to know... May you dive.  May you allow your comfort, your courage and what you know be so.

Concierge

Today I am going to a 'concierge' doctor.  A doctor that acts like a quarterback for your healthcare.  He/She handles the pulling together and getting (and keeping) the necessary healthcare information and service(s) available to you and for you. 

I know my husband would always say that what a great idea it would be to have one of 'these' in the hospital with you.   We see doctors for all parts of our bodies and these doctors do not work in unison or even know what the other doctors are doing and/or offering us.  With a 'quarterback', this doctor is responsible for gathering the information and keeping it all in the same book; even on the same page, so to speak. 

From this 'grand' knowing of information, perhaps, a best plan for one's healthcare can be created, known and followed. 

Sounds good.

I was excited until I talked to him and he said, I would still see the same doctors that I am seeing and why am I not seeing a Dermatologist since my skin is so affected.  Good question and all the dermatologists I have seen (at least four) have all sent me back to a Rheumatologist.

Perhaps, when there is no definitive answer...   there is no definitive answer.   And, this is where I say and am learning that it (my healing) is truly an inside job.

It doesn't hurt to reach out and learn as much as I can regarding any possible opportunity to make my life easier; more vital.

If I had my way, he would be able to provide me with a card saying she is not a druggie or criminal, she has a rare dis-ease that flairs up without warning and attacks her very own body and damages it; in a very uncomfortable and, often, in a terribly painful way. 

So, I meet on to learn on to walk on.

May you reach out and learn as much as you can of all possibilities that are available to you to make your life easier and more vital.

May you connect on to learn on to walk on; as your ultimate self. 

You are worth it; awesome; and able.   We all are.   Ultimate self on!

May you fall in love with yourself in your natural state.

Know Notta

I truly do not know much.  I can see I was taught this; I learned that; I am learning 'other'; I have experienced much...

And, in reality, there are a lot of things that I do not know 100% for sure.

I'm okay with this just now.  As I feel continued non-sense in my healthcare; as I see continued challenges in others; and as I feel continued uncertainty in much - I come to this realization.   That I know very little for sure 100% for certain.

Most things out of myself, I can only guess.  Most things within others, I can question and/or only guess.  Most things that are yet ahead of me, I can only speculate.

So, why...

Why guess...  Why question...  Why speculate...

It feels better to just be where I am; as I am; as who I am... in this moment.  In this very moment, I am well.  There may be a lot of unease and unknown and I am still ok.  I may have challenges and pain, I am still okay in this moment.  And, in this moment, is really where life can be lived 'live'.   No other moment can this living life occur. 

As I write all this nonsensical stuff; as I open up my mind, heart, and soul and let my fingers create words from touching the keyboard, I am in this moment.

Oops - it is gone.   I am now in the next moment, etc. etc.

May you know that in this very moment, you are okay.   It may not feel great, it may not feel like you want it to, you may not be experiencing what you would wish to experience; however, you are in this moment and you are okay.  And, if you and this moment are exactly what brings you happiness, joy, fulfillment and contentment, make sure you enjoy, appreciate and feel it as so. 

Whether you know notta or know everything or somewhere in between, may you just know that the current moment is where life happens and who, what, why and how (your reaction) in this moment is the thing that matters most.  It is what takes on and lives this moment.  May you choose your best reaction for each moment to allow you to feel what you wish to feel to the closest feeling of it you can get.

Live this moment now, live and mindful, from your inner self.  Perhaps, this is fulfillment in the now.

I don't know.  Ha!

Believing, Caring and Supporting you on... Always.

From the deepest part of me to the depth of you...  We are connected and know each other.

How honored and blessed I am.

                                                   Picture Unknown

Parts and Pieces

We all have many pieces; many parts to our whole.  There are many pieces; many parts to the whole of the universe.

Each piece; each part matters.

What is inside of you matters. 

May you focus on the best parts of yourself just now.   May you perfect the pieces of you that you are proud of. 

Perhaps, as we do this, we empower ourselves.   Perhaps, as we do this, we empower each other.

Through open hearts and minds; through open vulnerability, may we be open to receive our greatest and best guidance to put out in the world our best self; the best part(s) or piece(s) of our own self.

May you let your gifted presence be known, seen, experienced and offered.  May we each live through the gentlest, most courageous part of ourselves and grow our world into its best and possible offerings.

With distraught in so many places and people, perhaps, this is the best time to grow and let life become a life that we all take honor, pride and gratitude in.  It starts within.  If it is not within, it just may be impossible to be without. 

There are many more good people than hurt people that hurt people. 

Wherever you are; whatever you are doing; whoever you are with; whatever you are feeling - let the brightest, most loving part of yourself shine in and through.

Just maybe, we then have an opportunity; a glorious opportunity to live in a world where we all feel safe, loved and cared for.

Man, this is a world I would love to live in and you (if you want it) to live in as well...  Not just glimpses of it; but a reality of peace within and peace without in all - in most.   Whatever we can make real.

I'm open to ease, peace, love, caring, empathy, compassion and joy for myself and for each of you...

May you start at being open to what it would feel like - the awesomeness of it.... 

Deep breath.

Whatever your dream, as it comes from love, truth and the inner depth of you -- don't give up on your dream..  Find the dream that best fits peaceful awesomeness and may your dream be lived soon if not now.

Run Run Run Run Away

I'm feeling like I want to run away today.   I want to be alone.   I want to be left alone.  I feel yucky (clinical term) and I don't want to share it with anyone.  I don't want to feel this way.  I hear myself saying that this just may be one of my best days even though it doesn't feel as such.

I do not know.  I feel achy under my skin.  I feel frustrated with my weight.  I feel bored with my life.  I feel hurt with my sore.  I feel bored with my life.

Hmm.  I feel bored.

This is an usual feeling for me.  Perhaps, feeling bored is good.  Perhaps, it is what will drive me to create a difference in my life that will enable me to not feel bored.

I still am working on taking the drive to nowhere with my Prince CD.  I am hoping it will be tomorrow.  Yay.

I had a massage today.  It was very relaxing during it.  And, as soon as it was done, my body got 'noisy' again and I want to run.

I'm cranky.  I'm miserable. 

So, I embrace these feelings as best I can.  I know these feelings will pass through easiest if I allow them to occur.  I know if I saw a line-up of feelings, these would not be the ones I would pick.

And, yet, here I sit with uncomfortable feelings.

All I can do is be open to where I go from here and honor myself; love myself through.

I will 'run' tomorrow on my drive.   And, for now, I feel what I can and I do my best.  I feel these yucky feelings from a place of love.  I watch them, recognize, acknowledge and feel them.  It feels like the best thing to do for myself.

May you do what feels is the best thing to do for yourself; from a place of love...  as best you can.  You are worth it. 

Here

I come here wishing I had good, inspirational, happy things to uplift you.

I did better eating yesterday but still not where I want to be.  As I sit here contemplating breakfast, pizza is what comes to mind.!.? 

The fresh tomatoes, the fresh basil, the crispy crust and the flavor of the cheeses...  It sounds very inviting to me.

I did have a smoothie of blueberries and spinach yesterday.  I had the cherries.  I also at the last of the mac and cheese.  

It was such a treat for me.   I know I haven't had it since I moved here almost two years ago.  Or if I did, it was one time.  And, it is comfort food to me. 

The weather is sunny and the sun is hottt.  It is close to 100 deg. F.   The good news is that I don't fear it.  I don't fear it like I do the cold.

I know many do not like the heat.  This is excessive and I do not fear it.  I wish you 'cool'; those that are in the heat and not liking it. 

My thumb is making me very aware of it as it is stiff and cannot be used just now.  Ouch.  A big ouch.  It is not as bad as it has been in the past.  For this, I am grateful.  I am willing it to go away.  They can last for months.  It has been about two weeks. 

We all have our stuff.  This is mine; for this moment.

I've been stretching a lot as my body aches.  It just aches. 

I see a Prince CD here on the desk.  I tell myself I plan to put it in my car and go for a ride this coming week.  I look forward to this.

May you give yourself something; anything; a lot of things; to look forward to.  May you be present to where you are and feel, with love, your way - your best way forward.

Love Deeply

It is my understanding that the way the sun is aligned with the earth, many, especially sensitive people and empaths, et al are experiencing energy like never before.  Perhaps, you are one that is feeling this 'new' energy and are not sure what to do with it.  Life can feel so loud and different.

We are being forced to bring out parts of ourselves that we have never shown/known, or rarely, before. 

There is much frustration, anger and fear because we don't really know how to do this.  We don't find comfort in it.  Yet, I believe this is what will bring us comfort eventually.

To be and live your whole self is not a dream; it wants to be a reality.  You were born as you for certain and specific reasons.

As you live and share the total you that you are, freedom, peace and joy will be yours.  Not that there won't be issues, but they will be the real and true issues for your real and true you. 

It will be about what we differ about from deep within (and, in reality, there just may not be a whole lot).  It won't be about things that really have nothing to do with what we are feeling; or that we blame it to be so on.

When we love ourselves deeply, miracles come out.  Miracles happen.

May you let the miracles out!  Love yourself and each other deeply.

It is my hope that we can know what this is like in our own small world and worldwide. 

Still

"I do love you...  still."  (Lionel Richie)

Well, I did it again.   I ate.  I ate all day.  Mac and cheese, margherita pizza, ice cream, blueberries, cherries, raisins, watermelon.  I don't feel stuffed.  I do feel I didn't treat myself as good as I could have.

The weather is extreme heat.  I am home alone.  We needed a new water heater.  I connected to people who asked for help.  I let people help me. 

Together, we can empower. 

If I have to put a word to my unusual amount of overeating, it would be 'satisfied' (as I decide to go the kind route!).  I feel like it is fulfilling something in me.  I do feel that there is a better way than the way I am doing it and, for now, it is okay.  I'm enjoying every bite.  I'm tasting every flavor.  I'm drinking a lot of water.  It is not the road I want to stay on. 

I surely hope I take a turn, a U-turn and create a better path for myself.

My finger is not happy.  The pain medicine is allowing me to sleep and get through the day.  I am grateful for it.  I want to say here, now, that I wish things were different.  But, I am not going to say this.  I am going to say that I will embrace where I am and know that I can and will create an easier, happier and better way for myself.

I know fulfillment in this.  Fulfillment feels fulfilling.

I do believe that this is the experience I am supposed to be having just now.. or I wouldn't be having it.

The teenie voice inside my head is saying - loser, you wish, you are weird, you are so off.  My internal knowing and connection to all that is is saying - stay in your fulfillment; stay in your truth; be open to new doors, windows and paths.  They always show themselves if we stay open.

So, open I am.

May you embrace your experience as best you can with all the feelings that show themselves to you.  Feel your way.   Let love lead.  Do not let the inner mean voice discourage or keep you down.

And, if you do feel discouraged, keep loving yourself on. 

May you stay open to any door, window, and/or path that is showing you or offering you a new way that feels right for you to walk through or down.

Life is changing for all of us.  Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, whatever is showing itself to you now, feel it all and still love yourself.

Eating Too Much

I find myself eating too much; way too much for my level of activity. 

I'm enjoying watermelon with blueberries and raisins, homemade macaroni and cheese, turkey sandwich, ranier cherries, ice cream, pizza, french fries, pistachios, and goldfish.  And, this is just today.  oh no no no no.

As I type it out, I am amazed at all the unhealthy foods and the amount of it.  I'm stuck in this eating pattern.  It is like I feel good while I am eating...  I now understand, through doing it, what this is like.  I don't feel comfortable inside of myself and I'm a bit angry at myself because 'I know better'.   So, I guess the saying 'when you know better, you do better' is not always accurate.!

It feels like I'm burying my desire to be out and connect.  It scares me this much. 

Yet, when I am out and I am connecting, it feels really great.  It feels joyful.

What is a woman to do; a person to do, for that matter...

I sure hope that it leaves just like it came.  From an unknown place; a subconscious place within myself.  It is conscious now.  Me eating all this food, I am very aware of it.  And, I am choosing not to stop just now.

Am I beating myself up because I won't take the step to be living all that I am.  I am ripping myself off and, perhaps, even 'shorting' some people that I could be helpful to.

I have great lessons to share and to offer and I am really choosing not to share them out of fear of failure, rejection, hurtful criticism, and I am afraid that I do not have the energy that I think that is necessary.

I got close.  I got real close.  Now, I have an ulcer on my thumb and there is a part of me that wants to give up, stop fighting and just give in.

I would tell a client that said this to me to go ahead and do it.  Give up; stop fighting; give in.  Perhaps, I will choose this just now.   My actions show that I have.  My nerves and fight within tell me that I am not on the best road for me. 

I would suggest giving in, stopping the fight BUT from a place of love for one's self.  A place of understanding and compassion. 

It has been difficult dealing with my hands, great pain, tight skin, and my lack of ability.  It has been almost 40 years.  That is a long time to keep on pressing through.  This is a long time to not let dreams die, change change me to be negative nor failure to be an option.

Just what if it is not failure but a win.  A win in a way that I accept my truth as it is.  I just may have to live like this for the rest of my life. 

I remember sitting on a big chair in my living room in Pennsylvania saying that I might as well accept that I am a child of abandonment.  It is my truth.  It is my experience.  I always thought that if I gave in and accepted this truth it would make it so.  How interesting that thought is.  I realized it is so.  I may as well state it as such; live it as such; accept it as such.  And, right there, in that big chair in my living room, I gave in.  I stopped fighting the truth that I didn't have a father that loved me like I needed.  I gave up wanting it to be different.

Perhaps, it is time; it is what I need.  To stop the fight, give in to the truth by fully accepting it and by giving up the dream that my hands will be different; that my body will live without dis-ease. 

Hmm.  Very interesting indeed. 

So, I will sleep on these thoughts tonight.  I will love myself through, allow gentleness and ask for help to accept my awesome self with a horrid dis-ease. 

I know it could be so much worse.  I know that I am me, hugely, because of this dis-ease. 

I am a kind, deep, open and caring person.  I can, most of the time, see above (or is it beneath) what is showing itself to me.  I can feel other people and I care about all.

So, as I go to sleep tonight, I go with the intent to care greatly about myself, all of me; just as I am.  I don't have to be different to live all that I am...

See where it takes me.  Exciting.

I was asked to be on a radio talk show - "Spirit Radio".  I told her I would so love to be but I'm not ready.

I will never be ready if I keep waiting to be different than who and what I am to the point of being dis-ease free.  I'm tired of waiting. 

I want a fresh start with myself and I am the only one that can give it to me.

If you are feeling like you'd like a fresh start, may you let your true self out and give yourself a fresh start.  You are the only one that can.

May you give you your all from the place and person you are right now.  May you let your world rock now.  I believe in you.  You can.  You really can.  In fact, in doing so, you honor life, yourself, your Creator, and every single person you come in contact with.  This is huge and this is my wish for you (if you haven't already done so and if there is something within you that wants to).  Open up to a fresh start; a fresh perspective.  Let's get it.

Another Day

Today is another day to live your most fulfilled life; which is your most fulfilled self.

Only you can choose it.  Only you can do it.  Only you can fulfill your own life.

People come and go.   People touch us positively and not so positively.

How is it that one person can say or offer the same thing to two different people and each person feel, respond and connect to same differently.

It is so because it is not as much as what is being said, done or offered, it is how it is responded to.

May you be kind, tender and loving to yourself through gentleness, truth, understanding and belief that you have everything you need to be fulfilled.  Right now, right here, right as you are.

Choose it.

There may be sadness in your heart, anger in your being, frustrating thoughts in your mind and still; just maybe, you can be fulfilled.

It is easy to feel fulfilled when we are happy,  in sync and doing what we love without doubt of any kind. 

And, by being your true open self; by bringing the truth of what you feel and experience and by living deeply in it, from the most loving place that you have in each moment, you can create, know and live in fulfillment.

May you choose fulfillment.

Perhaps, stop fighting what you don't like.  Open up and feel from the most loving and supportive place inside of you.  Allow tenderness.

                     

Signs

I have learned to pay attention to signs.

Silly signs, nature signs, noise signs, color signs, number signs - connecting what is outside of myself to what is inside of me.

I have been feeling 'stuck'. 

Hence, stuck signs... (ha!)  All from the past two days.  for information purposes only

I am reading a book called "Running on Empty" by Jonice Webb.  A partial line that I read was "...health professional trying to help "stuck" patients, this book will provide concrete solutions for invisible wounds." 


From Janet Straightarrow; Be the Medicine on Facebook...
"With Mars going direct tonight we will be able to make clear choices, and it will be easier to move ahead.  Mars the planet of action has been retrograde since April 17, it was a time of waiting, reviewing and reconsidering options.  Now we will decide anew with confidence.  InJoy!"


From Neale Donald Walsch
"You have only just begun to discover your magnificence.  This period of your life marks a New Beginning.  You can feel it.  And you have only just begun to know the treasure and the glory of You."


"Whatever you are physically male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy, all those things matter less then what your heart contains.  If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior.  All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside."  Cassandra Clare on Carolyn Jayne's Facebook page



From Awaken Psychometry Readings on Facebook (This post was a 'pick your card and get your message kind of post)
"You are beginning to realize and appreciate that it is safe to feel powerful.  You have the universe on your side.   You are becoming more empowered and noticing that no one is more powerful than you.  You are a spiritually minded being so it is impossible for you to misuse or abuse your power.    As a light worker you are being called upon to play your part in creating positive change in this world.  You are being called upon to raise your self esteem and release any fears you may have about expressing your power.  ... "
"Affirmation:  It is safe for me to be powerful."


May you look for 'signs' and things that catch your eye, mind and/or heart and choose to connect and grow from within without.

                                   Picture Unknown from Lisa Colburn's Facebook page