Be U: Suffering

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Suffering

Suffering.   I don't even like the word.

To suffer means... "to undergo or feel pain or distress" (dictionary.com)

Do they not go hand in hand... When in pain, we feel distress.   When we are distressed, sometimes pain can show up.   So, perhaps, it isn't always either or. It is both.

I am currently in both.

My rash is at an all-time redness, swollen and extremely itchy time. It is definitely from a drug called Effexor. It is even mentioned as the 'Effexor rash' on the internet. I read where it is very hard to get off of. I know this already. If it helps - only the person taking it knows.

To read other people's experience can make mine feel more real.   I find this interesting. Why won't I just own mine as mine and let it be so/true/accurate/spot on.

I was told to take Benedryl.   It knocked me out. I slept two hours and it felt like I just blinked. Perhaps, that is a good thing. I wasn't suffering just then.

I have asked the Rheumatologist to call in an antibiotic for me as they cannot fit me in until next week. My body is needing an antibiotic for my thumb. It is not having a good day; weeks, if I was being honest.

I realized that I had to use my right hand to hold the phone to my left ear so that I could talk. My left thumb is not good just now and my right ear is swollen three times its size from the rash.   Ouch.

I heard myself saying that, perhaps, I don't even know that I am suffering as much as I am because I have let suffering be part of my life. What is up with this...

I am going to do my best to own my suffering like I would for another. I would be so helpful if someone I knew was going through this. Yet, as I am going through it, I think it as 'normal', 'ok', 'just have to live with it'...   I ask myself WHY....

Perhaps, I do not.

I do believe we all suffer in one way or another at one time or another (or four or five) but we surely don't have to constantly suffer.   I sure hope not anyway. And, even in the suffering there is great love if I allow it.

To be human is to feel it all - including the suffering. The suffering doesn't feel so hot. In fact, there is nothing at all I like about it. So why wouldn't I do everything in my power to feel it, process it and let it go.   Let it not stay dormant inside of me. Let it not be my 'norm'.

Do I have a choice.... I don't know for sure.   If I have a choice, I choose to feel it, process it and let it go.

So, as I am struggling to just type this out and I hear a bunch of 'chatter' in my head - negative chatter, I also feel childlike and silly that I have to 'report this' information out. That this is my truth. The child in me feels this the most.   Or at least it feels this way in this very moment. I feel like a child.

May I realize I am suffering and take action to process through it and do everything in my power to not allow it to stick around.  Ignoring it is not the answer for me.

It is debilitating; crippling; stressful and nothing else really matters as much because it is all that I can think of.

Well, new thoughts are on their way. I may be suffering now, but I'm going to 'shake' my way through this and empower myself in this and strengthen the love within to flourish from within out.

I am truly exhausted. I have very little to give to even myself at this point and I just want the suffering to end.

It feels like my soul is calling to love stronger, do better and let it all out. Let the truth of everything I am out and give it a voice.

So, this is what I will 'play with' now. May I allow it to be easy, simple and free.   Just being true to me.

May you allow life to be easy, simple and free just being true about you.

(unknown)

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!