Be U: Know Notta

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Know Notta

I truly do not know much. I can see I was taught this; I learned that; I am learning 'other'; I have experienced much...

And, in reality, there are a lot of things that I do not know 100% for sure.

I'm okay with this just now. As I feel continued non-sense in my healthcare; as I see continued challenges in others; and as I feel continued uncertainty in much - I come to this realization.   That I know very little for sure 100% for certain.

Most things out of myself, I can only guess. Most things within others, I can question and/or only guess. Most things that are yet ahead of me, I can only speculate.

So, why...

Why guess... Why question... Why speculate...

It feels better to just be where I am; as I am; as who I am... in this moment. In this very moment, I am well. There may be a lot of unease and unknown and I am still ok. I may have challenges and pain, I am still okay in this moment. And, in this moment, is really where life can be lived 'live'.   No other moment can this living life occur.

As I write all this nonsensical stuff; as I open up my mind, heart, and soul and let my fingers create words from touching the keyboard, I am in this moment.

Oops - it is gone.   I am now in the next moment, etc. etc.

May you know that in this very moment, you are okay.   It may not feel great, it may not feel like you want it to, you may not be experiencing what you would wish to experience; however, you are in this moment and you are okay. And, if you and this moment are exactly what brings you happiness, joy, fulfillment and contentment, make sure you enjoy, appreciate and feel it as so.

Whether you know notta or know everything or somewhere in between, may you just know that the current moment is where life happens and who, what, why and how (your reaction) in this moment is the thing that matters most. It is what takes on and lives this moment. May you choose your best reaction for each moment to allow you to feel what you wish to feel to the closest feeling of it you can get.

Live this moment now, live and mindful, from your inner self. Perhaps, this is fulfillment in the now.

I don't know. Ha!

Believing, Caring and Supporting you on... Always.

From the deepest part of me to the depth of you... We are connected and know each other.

How honored and blessed I am.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!