After Christmas Day

It is the day after the Christmas holiday.  It is a wet and rainy morning.  Dark and grey.  I see 'pops' of color out of the window.  It feels nice; gloomy and nice.  The trees happily dance with the raindrops.  The water from the fountain bubbles up and over to provide a constant movement of play. 

The fountain next to me sings happily as the water flows its way through the man-made stone. 

The house is quiet.  My dogs lay on the floor.  My cat is already upstairs finding its comfortable space.  My bird sits on its perch and simply hangs out.

My husband is up and out doing errands and my daughter sleeps snugly in. 

I am blessed.  I am truly blessed.  In this moment, right now, my blessings show me abundance.  I am grateful. 

The bamboo outside of my window, with it's tan bark and it's playful leaves, rise high towards the heavens.  (remember, this is the day after Christmas, ha)

The pharmacy did not come through for me this week.  As I tried to drop off my prescription on Tuesday, I was told to bring it back on Thursday.  I brought it back on Thursday and they were open on Friday (Christmas) and was told I could pick it up then.  As I called on Friday, I was told there was no way they could confirm same with the doctor.  WHAT?!?!  Of course there was not...   And, Saturday and Sunday, there is no office hours either..   I told the pharmacist of my experience.  I was told it is protocol and no matter how long I have been going there, it is the protocol.  So, here I sit Saturday, scared and tired somewhat, frustrated and uncared for, as my body is dependent on the pain medicine that the medical world has put me on...  They truly have a part of my life in their hands.  I gave it to them...   What a hard [another absent] pill to take., so to speak.  Hmm

I know fear of stopping them because I have grown to be afraid of pain and, yet, I still have it every day.   And, the thought of what the pain would be like without the medicine...  I shudder.  Oh boy.  I have a few to 'hold' me okay.  I'd rather not 'play this game' and, yet, it is the option I find myself living. 

This is my 'cross to bear' just now.  Am I really in America?  Doesn't feel so...  It makes me think about the 'black market' of drugs...   Crazy place I find myself.  And, perhaps, this is exactly what is supposed to happen.  May we stop killing who we are with drugs (of any kind).  Many are; many are not. 

I am only on this one medicine.  All the other medicine I have been administered and tried gave me no relief or help.  Many made me sick.  Many I have no clue what they did to me and there are none made specifically for scleroderma.  This one pill still has me tied to the dis-ease as it creates such distress within myself.  And, I know I am creating it, not the pill.  My thought about the medicine and the way it is administered here is what is causing me the stress.   Full circle I suppose.  Always had some guilt with taking any medicine.  This guilt is surely playing out loud just now...  I feel like a criminal here where I live.  I was asked to give another urine sample this last doctor visit. I have signed all the forms each and every appointment.  I have complied with it all and I am still the one lost, alone, in this mess that I find myself in.  Is this, in itself, criminal... 

Life.  It surely flows its own way.  I either flow with it as best I can or I fight it...  Just sometimes, I do not like my options.!. 

So, between the blessings and the hardship, I sit and am choosing to flow onward to the best of my ability.  I love on because it is who I am.  I speak my truth even when it falls on deaf ears because in speaking my truth, I am walking in fulfillment.  I am being all that I can be and for this moment, I am enough, I am still safe, I am loved and I am challenged.  I am living.  This, is my life today. 

May you live on and through as you... as what you choose to connect to and feel best in connecting with.  May you  be love in the chaos and love in the peacefulness of everything that is your life for you to live and walk through.  Live on.  Amen

I believe we fight until we have no fight left in us.  It is easier for me to love than to fight.  I don't know if this is good or bad or somewhere in between.  I do know this is me today.  I feel as I have fought this fight long and hard.  I don't know if I am victorious or not...  God knows.  God has me.  All is good in divine love. 

I let it be what it is as I bring my true and awesome self with me wherever I am.  This may change things.  This may not.  And, I am me...  as best as I can be me in the now...  it is what I have control over..  to just be.. me. 

May you be you as best as you can be in the now...  May you just be.. you.  !

Joy

Tis the season to be joyful...  I believe that when there is joy in my heart and joy on my face, I am sharing joy; true joy with our world. 

When joy is not inside of myself, I can pretend to be joyful.  And, yet, there is no fooling 'Santa'...  In truth, I do not want to.  I do want to live from my authentic self as often as possible. 

As I allow joy and the meaning of the season to prosper inside of myself, I allow and open up to sharing joy with whoever I come in contact with.

My truth is my greatest treasure.  And what makes it really exciting for me is that, perhaps, my truth is also your greatest treasure. 

As your truth is what makes you you, the truth of you is, perhaps, our world's greatest treasure. 

When we stand, live, share, be in our truth, we can do nothing but walk down the path that really is for us.  In our truth, we create our best self.  We connect to our greatest power.  We live our greatest life.

May you stay, be, live in the truth of who you are and what you feel.

When you feel joy, share it.  When you feel anger, share the truth of it from a place of joy because you are aware and recognize the emotions and feelings that are yours to own.  These emotions and feelings, when coming from a place of awareness, love and allowance, lead us home to ourselves. 

Our pain and sorrow is not so much the truth as the reason behind the pain and sorry.  The story we live and the story(ies) we tell ourselves. 

May you live true and prosper! 

The Power is Within

I am learning that the more I meet myself where I'm at and 'let it be', the more peace, ease and fulfillment I know.

I am learning that the power/answers/love that I seek is not 'out there';  it is within.

I am learning that sometimes my power scares me.  I am learning that fear is a very powerful non-entity.

As I embrace what, how and who I am, I can be way more powerful living in this space of my reality then in a space that isn't so.  That 'story', perhaps, that may be make-believe from my own brain.

As I live the reality of my life, the power shows itself to me.  The power to create, rearrange, become and let go is mine.

May you meet yourself where you are at.  May you accept the who, what, and where of your life and bring your true feelings, thoughts, non-judgment, and love to it.

Perhaps, as we meet ourselves where we are at, peace and fulfillment grows in and around us.

We are worth a try.  You are worth it to try. 

Focus of this post...

May you  gently meet yourself where you are at and move forward from here. 

Here. Now. Be.

I am caught up in the Christmas spirit.  I love the Christmas spirit.  And, if I don't do what is true for me this year, now; as I am, I get caught up period; 'catched'.

I am feeling the going.. going.. going..   It is like my get up and go got up and went this morning! 

I know that I need a slower day.  I need a day with moments of relaxation, letting go and just to be.  I have a massage scheduled today.  How my body looks forward to this! 

I cannot 'go' like I see many others going.  I have learned (mostly) to not want to.  I have accepted where I am just now (mostly) and I see the beauty, strength and empowerment in this. 

So, for today, I let go of my lists, my desires of doing, and my guilt of not doing.  I am at peace where I am and I know/believe that everything always falls into place.

I bring my open heart and mind with me as I allow the day to unwind into a most precious day.  I connect. lovingly, to the people that show up in my life and I support our world to peace and preciousness.

Perhaps, this is my role. It must be as this is where I find myself.

Yes, there is a part of me that wishes I was strutting around New York City shopping in the Christmas lights.  There is another part that wishes I was on the beach jogging a couple of miles.  There is a part of me that wishes I would never be swollen or in pain again.  And, I am learning that scleroderma has taught me so much about myself; my inner knowing; the gentle warrior that I am.  Without experiencing [and even not experiencing] all that I know, am and breathe, I would not be me.  I am good being me.

So, as my life balances through itself and our world -

I wish you your life balance to be, live, feel, do, and share everything that is you from your most loving of places.

May you get on with you and live all of you with all of your parts.  They/This is what makes you uniquely you.  How lovely thou art!...

May you allow yourself to be blessed and to know blessings.

                                                           "Lane Spa" decorations

Beautiful

Today is a beautiful day.  The palms are dancing in the warm breeze against a blue sky with speckles of white clouds.  I have an orchid outside the window fully bloomed and the bamboo is reaching outward and upward.  The fountain is happily dancing and taking the flow of water with it.

I feel good today!  Perhaps, I will dance too. 

The Christmas tree has its lights on waiting to get fully decorated.  The smell of evergreen is strong and the tree stands tall and proud.  I thanked it for coming home and giving me itself; its majestic self. 

I have the cleaning people here helping me to keep my home comfortable, clean and organized.  I have the groomer coming to give the dogs a bath and a trim.  They wait at the door for her and get so excited when they see her.  I am grateful for this. 

My daughter is home on college break and she is a joy to be with.  My husband is traveling and making the money doing what he loves; mostly (ha)...  I am so grateful and so in love with him. 

I will have guacamole and hummus for breakfast with salt free pretzels.   My body seems to crave this. 
I am grateful to have delicious food. (ha - yes I am...)

I look forward to what the day will bring.

It is a good day.  We have never seen or experienced this one before; and we will never again.

May you see the beauty in your day and may you experience it as only you can.  Connect to all that you do have and, perhaps, bow your head in gratitude.

Namaste'   -   At the depth of myself, I honor the depth of who you are.  At this place, we are all connected.  We are all the same.

When we live, learn and grow from this place within; perhaps, we know true fulfillment.

May you experience fulfillment.

 

Eating

Man oh Man.

I surely have been overeating.  I am the heaviest I have ever been. 

The stress of moving; the stress of finding new doctors (still looking) and the stress of letting go of what was has taken its toll. 

I have eaten way too much.  And, not moving -- well -- recipe for disaster in body fat and weight management.

And, however - I am feeling good.  Perhaps, the best in a couple of years.  I do not feel 'good' about my weight.   

I know I am talking to myself more lovingly.  I know that I am more accepting of what is.  I know that I am more settled than I have been in, at least, three years.

I am trying " Relora" vitamins; "Cellfood' drops; and multitude of vitamins and minerals.  As I am not feeling like a professional doctor 'has my back', I am believing (moreso than ever) that healing scleroderma is an 'inside job' for me. 

I have more energy and I feel happy within.  A fulfilling happy a lot of the time (for about a week now).

WOO HOO.  Whoop!  Whoop!

See what tomorrow brings; and just now, in this moment, I am rockin' and rollin'!  lol

May you connect to what makes you rock and roll and

May you rock 'n roll!!

Grateful

I know it feels good inside of myself to know gratitude.  I believe being grateful is a wonderful virtue.

I am grateful for YOU, here now, reading this.

My wish for you is to believe in yourself; feel what you are feeling and hear what you are saying.

May you give yourself permission to speak what you feel and know within yourself.

Let your beautiful heart and your precious mind be open.

You are the peace in the chaos.  You are the love in the world.  You are the beauty in your day.

You are the only one that you will ever always be with. 

May you be the person you want to be with.

The following countries are here with us this moment..  A sincere Thank you.  It is my honor. 

Russia

United States

Germany

France

Canada

Ukraine

                                                       Unknown

Music

I see myself listening to music more often.  I love music.  I always have.  I don't mind dancing alone in my home like a crazy woman.  In fact, I enjoy it!

I am currently listening to our player piano playing Christmas music as I go about my morning 'doings'.  I'm waiting for the song "O Holy Night" as this is my favorite. My mother used to play the piano brilliantly.  It gives me great comfort to listen; as they were happy times for me listening to her play while sitting on the curb out front. 

My 'being' sings and is elated with music.  It certainly lifts me up.  

May you know what lifts you up (with no side effects) and may you let it in your life as often as possible. 

So this is Christmas...

Tis the season...  Ho Ho Ho...  Deck the Halls...  O Holy Night...  Away in the Manger... Joy to the World

This is the season that I enjoy greatly.  I love the lights, the decorations, the loving hustle bustle of people sharing cheer.

I also know that there are people alone, suffering, lost, and lonely.  I know there are people dreading doing certain things; keeping up with traditions and/or 'rules' that they have known 'forever'. 

May I offer to bring YOUr true self with you into this Christmas Season.  What does it mean to you...  What feels happy to you...   What feels celebratory to you...  What creates joy in your heart...  What makes your 'being' light up and sing...

Perhaps, this is the way Christmas is meant to be spent.

Just what if you did it your way from a place of deep love...  What if you didn't expect or hope that someone else would do it differently, better, easier, more kind...  What if all that mattered is that you share love the way that you know how... And, perhaps, tell the people that may think you are 'off' - that this is what you are choosing to do.  Loving your way through Christmas to the best of your current ability...

We celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.  And, we sometimes get lost or hurt by doing it in a way that doesn't resonate with who we are...  

Is this being loving...    Only you know your answer.

May I offer that you love on, through and into the Christmas season as only you can.  Get your joy on and share same. 

Perhaps, the best we can do is be open to this and share our truth in the most loving way that we know how.

This is what Jesus is about.  This is what Christmas may just be about before anything else.

May you celebrate Christmas as you are today; from where you are today; bringing your loving, open heart and truth with you wherever you are.

May you be open to your Christmas season being merry; whatever that means to you.

Peace

As I come here this morning to share my thoughts of peace; with hope that by sharing my thoughts, it may help you connect to your own...

I find that I couldn't log on to my computer and Peace is not what I was feeling.  Yikes...!

I sat down to say (write)...

Hello to you.  Let peace begin with me... and let peace begin with you... and you and you and you...

My inability to write this because I couldn't get onto my computer because of someone else's doing made me feel unimportant; uncared for; not considered and angry.  

My first reaction was to talk loudly (scream) and, literally, wake up the person responsible.  I took a breath and wrote on a yellow sticky that 'it sucks' that I cannot get on 'my' computer.   That I was unable to run with my thoughts because I was unable to log their computer off of my own.  I placed the post-it note on the screen and I came here to my cell phone.. 

And here I am.  Originally wanting to talk about peace...  Perhaps, a lesson within a lesson on how to keep my own peace on.  

Am i cared for... Yes.  Am i important, yes...  Was I considered, I don't think so; not in that moment.  And, it has nothing to do with me--other than my own experience of same.  

I do not know what that person was working on, thinking about; involved in.  I don't know what time this person was on the computer. I do know it was in the middle of the night while I slept.  

Can I be mad at this person...  Yes, I suppose.  And, I'm learning that I feel better when I realize that I am not this person's center of universe.  Nor, is it best if I would be.  This person is this person's center of the universe.  As I always 'preach', I believe life works best this way. ("Just 9Be U")  We are each at the center of our own world.  What we speak, think, do, respond to is what affects us most. 

Would I have like to be considered and have the computer available to me... Yes. 

However, as i share my experience with them (from a place of as much love as possible), I give them a chance to consider me the next time. And this would be my goal - to have them consider me.   By me getting 'all up in there bout it' affects me.  And I want to love myself thru.  

And yes. This is what is peace to me..

May you know what peace is to you; may you live in alignment with this.

                                                                Picture Unknown

 

Chicken

I am calling myself a 'chicken'.  I am afraid to reach out to people who, just maybe, would benefit from reading this blog.  I'm seeing 'calls' for help and/or guidance.

I'm hearing people wanting to learn how to be whole and connect to their 'within'.

I think I'm pretty good at doing this and I am afraid to reach out and share my 'crazy'.

Perhaps, it is because I call it my 'crazy'...

I will start calling it my 'truth'; my 'journey in'.  Perhaps, in this, I will be more willing to share, be vulnerable and offer connection.

I know that this is my next chapter.  I get so excited thinking about it.  I get so invigorated when I am able to support a person to connect to their own awesomeness.

I seem to have to think big.  Like 'Oprah' big.  This 'big' is what scares me.

Again, it is, perhaps, time to change my thinking...

Just what if I embrace these 'calls' and come (live) from love instead of my fear.

THIS IS my next step...  Oh, scary for me.   What if people respond favorably and I become the whole person I feel that I'm supposed to be!?!?! ...  the person I am inside.  Egad.

May you connect to your love instead of your fear and may you be the whole person that you know you are supposed to be...

Whoop. 

Doctor.. Again

I have another doctor appointment with the rheumatologist that seems like he is 10 years old because I am so not young!?

I don't really know why I am going other than I just wish I could talk someone into having my back and following me along my journey from a medical standpoint and viewpoint.

I don't want to feel like I've started over again and this is what I feel like.

I don't want a doctor that isn't open to me and my position, experience and knowledge of what is going on inside of my own body and this is what I've come in contact with living here in Florida.

I want a doctor, that while he/she may think I'm goofy, still listens, hears, shares and responds to my individual 'story'. 

And, because of these wants and don't wants, I think, feel, and believe that this scleroderma dis-ease and me; well, it is more of an inside job then reaching out into the medical field of physicians.

What is a woman to do.

I walk through with open heart and mind.  I do find myself cautious and even a bit uncomfortable with what will be said to me and offered to me at these medical appointments.

Since, I have tried many physicians along with many modalities of healing in the natural field of holistic medicine and beyond...  All I know is that I am not giving up. 

My weight has become an issue these past six months.  I understand that being overweight can be like a protective-ness of one's self.  I don't want to protect myself this way.  I feel better lighter and healthier.  I feel better when I'm strong and balanced as physically as possible.

I shall see what 'tomorrow' brings and I am open to being my best once again. 

I have a better chance of this with the 'dream' of same then without.

May you 'dream' and see yourself how you want to be...  May you believe in yourself and believe that it is possible... You are always possible.