Be U: After Christmas Day

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

After Christmas Day

It is the day after the Christmas holiday. It is a wet and rainy morning. Dark and grey. I see 'pops' of color out of the window. It feels nice; gloomy and nice. The trees happily dance with the raindrops. The water from the fountain bubbles up and over to provide a constant movement of play.

The fountain next to me sings happily as the water flows its way through the man-made stone.

The house is quiet. My dogs lay on the floor. My cat is already upstairs finding its comfortable space. My bird sits on its perch and simply hangs out.

My husband is up and out doing errands and my daughter sleeps snugly in.

I am blessed. I am truly blessed. In this moment, right now, my blessings show me abundance. I am grateful.

The bamboo outside of my window, with it's tan bark and it's playful leaves, rise high towards the heavens. (remember, this is the day after Christmas, ha)

The pharmacy did not come through for me this week. As I tried to drop off my prescription on Tuesday, I was told to bring it back on Thursday. I brought it back on Thursday and they were open on Friday (Christmas) and was told I could pick it up then. As I called on Friday, I was told there was no way they could confirm same with the doctor. WHAT?!?! Of course there was not...   And, Saturday and Sunday, there is no office hours either..   I told the pharmacist of my experience. I was told it is protocol and no matter how long I have been going there, it is the protocol. So, here I sit Saturday, scared and tired somewhat, frustrated and uncared for, as my body is dependent on the pain medicine that the medical world has put me on... They truly have a part of my life in their hands. I gave it to them...   What a hard [another absent] pill to take., so to speak. Hmm

I know fear of stopping them because I have grown to be afraid of pain and, yet, I still have it every day.   And, the thought of what the pain would be like without the medicine... I shudder. Oh boy. I have a few to 'hold' me okay. I'd rather not 'play this game' and, yet, it is the option I find myself living.

This is my 'cross to bear' just now. Am I really in America? Doesn't feel so... It makes me think about the 'black market' of drugs...   Crazy place I find myself. And, perhaps, this is exactly what is supposed to happen. May we stop killing who we are with drugs (of any kind). Many are; many are not.

I am only on this one medicine. All the other medicine I have been administered and tried gave me no relief or help. Many made me sick. Many I have no clue what they did to me and there are none made specifically for scleroderma. This one pill still has me tied to the dis-ease as it creates such distress within myself. And, I know I am creating it, not the pill. My thought about the medicine and the way it is administered here is what is causing me the stress.   Full circle I suppose. Always had some guilt with taking any medicine. This guilt is surely playing out loud just now... I feel like a criminal here where I live. I was asked to give another urine sample this last doctor visit. I have signed all the forms each and every appointment.  I have complied with it all and I am still the one lost, alone, in this mess that I find myself in. Is this, in itself, criminal...

Life. It surely flows its own way. I either flow with it as best I can or I fight it... Just sometimes, I do not like my options.!.

So, between the blessings and the hardship, I sit and am choosing to flow onward to the best of my ability. I love on because it is who I am. I speak my truth even when it falls on deaf ears because in speaking my truth, I am walking in fulfillment. I am being all that I can be and for this moment, I am enough, I am still safe, I am loved and I am challenged. I am living. This, is my life today.

May you live on and through as you... as what you choose to connect to and feel best in connecting with. May you be love in the chaos and love in the peacefulness of everything that is your life for you to live and walk through. Live on. Amen

I believe we fight until we have no fight left in us. It is easier for me to love than to fight. I don't know if this is good or bad or somewhere in between. I do know this is me today.  I feel as I have fought this fight long and hard. I don't know if I am victorious or not... God knows. God has me. All is good in divine love.

I let it be what it is as I bring my true and awesome self with me wherever I am. This may change things. This may not. And, I am me... as best as I can be me in the now... it is what I have control over.. to just be.. me.

May you be you as best as you can be in the now... May you just be.. you. !

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!