I May Sometimes Be Working Like

This...

Thinking I'm going to get cooled off sitting by the A/C unit and not inside where the cold air is blowing!

LOL

Finding Our Place

Yes, I have been doing some reading.  One last one for now...

Excerpt from "The Book of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have" by Mark Nepo

"So when hurt or afraid or confused, when feeling urgent to find your place on this Earth, hard as it is, wait ... and things as you fear them will, more often than not, shrink into the hard replaceable beauty of things as they are ... of which you have no choice but to be a part."

Exactly what I am feeling, but had no words.  Thank you, once again, Mark Nepo.

Knowing Our Own Strength

From the book "The Glass Castle" by Jeannette Walls

"And when I first showed him my scar, he said it was interesting.  He used the word "textured."  He said "smooth" was boring but "textured" was interesting, and the scar meant that I was stronger than whatever it was that had tried to hurt me."

Oh, this is good!

Our False Mind

Excerpt from "The Book Of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have" by Mark Nepo.

"The mind composed of ignorance or wrong view suffers from spiritual disease; it sees falsely.  Seeing falsely causes it to think falsely, speak falsely, and act falsely.  You will see immediately that everyone, without exception, has the spiritual disease."
     Ajahn Buddhadasa

Mmmmmm.

Dead vs. Dormant

From the book by Natalie Taylor "Signs of Life:  A Memoir"

"I thought this part of me was dead.  I am so happy to know it isn't.  I guess it was just dormant.  And dormant and dead are two very different things."

2 of Diamonds

"Practical choices to be made".

Ha.  This is the card I just picked out of the deck. 

"A long strange trip".... maybe.  However, we do have choices throughout it all.

Are you choosing YOU today?

Reinventing the Self

I think this is what I am doing.  Reinventing me.  I feel lost.  I feel uncertain of my abiliities.  I don't know where I am heading....

AND

I'm going somewhere!

I don't like being in this state of uncertainty; limbo; 'muck'ness.  I know I am not where I was (raising a child) and I am not where I want to be (helping others).

I have to create a path to find what's next on my agenda for my life.  So NOT EASY for me.

So, as I struggle with myself, I have hope that finding me will be pretty brilliant and fun. 

"What a long, strange trip it's been."

I am going to try to enjoy this process and flow of life.  I promise you that there are some moments that I am NOT enjoying any of this in the least, however.

May you enjoy your long, strange trip!

Is it safe to say here that if it's not somewhat strange.... we must NOT be seeing something.?  Ha.

Hesitation

Someone close to me mentioned how they would be a bit embarrassed at some of the things I have written here on my blog.

I find myself hesitating now to voice my mind; my true inner self.

I really need to get a 'backbone' meaning I wish I didn't get so swayed by another person's beliefs/opinions.

I also want to write that for the first time in a long time my thumb got burned on the oven.  (yippee, right?)  but... my skin on my fingers has been so 'hard', it has not been able to burn.  I could reach right in the oven and turn the french fries or pull out a sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil or a slice of toast that has melted cheese and tomato sauce on top without incident.  (yes, I said french fries - ha)

I also noticed this week that when I went to write, I held the pen differently.  This is huge and I won't let myself feel this or think this completely. 

I want to believe that true change is here and I'm hesitant because I have felt this way so many times before and have been let down.

So, I sit in hesitation a bit today.  I will accept this hesitation, let it flow through me and move on.

Is there something you haven't been accepting and, just maybe, your life would be easier through acceptance, ( really living your truth ), if you did?

Love This

a Hallmark card

"because you let me know you completely
  because you are still a mystery to me

because you do not wish to change me
 because you have changed me forever

because you see the good and true in me
 because you forgive all else in me

because you are not who i expected to love
 because you are just who i need to love

because you gave me beautiful yesterdays
 because you promise me beautiful tomorrows...

because you asked for my hand
 because i gave you my heart...

         i love you."

Showing the Inner Self

It is amazing and I am awestruck at what I am watching by me being brave enough to speak my truth, my hurt and my beliefs.

I am changing every single relationship that I have.  The depth of these relationships can be so pure and true.

I am exhausted by the work.  I am honored by the work.  I am proud of the courage.  I am surprised by the beauty.

I don't know if it's resistance or just my body redoing my 'wiring'; but I am completely drained. 

I can't wait to see where my life goes from here and right now it is going to bed!

I will be so happy when I have enough energy to just live again.

Forever (almost) I have just said that I know exactly what I feel, think and want deep down here in my belly.  I just don't know how to get it 'out here' in my outer world.

I NOW KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. 

Whomp, there it is!!!!!

May you have the courage today to share your inner truth with someone special in your life. 

Maybe it's something you have wanted to say or do for some time.  If it is really what and who you are (in every cell of your being), I say take a loving, brave chance and do it; do it now.

Natural Landscape

I have a poor sick birdie.  She has been with me for 18 years and she is not feeling too good.  I put her in a cage that I can bring outside and give her fresh air.  (We have a bird room downstairs with natural light.)

She is sleeping and resting.  I hope she will feel better.  She is a lovebird named Chippers.  She would mimic my sounds and come sit on my hand.  She, once in a while would bite me.

Well, I bring her upstairs and outside on a table and now the little dogs and the cats are very curious.  They would sit downstairs next to the big cage and hang with the birds.  Now that one is moved to a new location, their curiousity has peaked.

Lucky me.

I know it's the natural order of things.  I know I created this 'animal house' and it has brought me great joy.   And, as we all know with great joy comes challenges as well.

Life is interesting. 

I'll continue to keep my eye on things and I know things will settle again.  How fascinating how, with one little change can come many more like a dominoes effect.

May you be aware of what you may be doing to create unwanted and wanted dominoes effects in your life.

Our Bodies

What if all we had to do was listen to our bodies.  Our bodies have a way of telling us when we are tired, when we are hungry, when we want excitement, when we want to relax, when something is really off in our life and when everything is going smoothly.

What if we just listened....and responded accordingly.

Where would we be?

May you hear your body talk today and may you respond favorably.

What if our bodies really knew and to honor them would be a great secret.

Miracle of Life

The Big Starfish had a baby!

Lost

I am wondering if I have to be lost to find my way...

Where I'm At

I am muddled, fried and overwhelmed.  The littlest things are too much for me.  Everywhere I look, everything I encounter seems to need my attention AND I'm not able to focus on one thing to get any of it done.

I'm feeling lost.  My hands are purple, my adrenal glands are working overtime.  My body is tense and numb.  My mind is chaotic.

I believe I am doing this to myself.  I know it's things I am saying to myself, things I am feeling.  It's like I'm a two-year old throwing a tantrum.

Things aren't in a perfect place and happening in the way I want them to happen and I'm not feeling like I want to feel.  So, I think I'm throwing some type of tantrum. 

I wish I would grow up and get on with it already!

May you allow yourself to be where you are at with love and kindness.

A Good Day

Today is a good day; it's the only day we have.  It is the present and it is a gift.

May you take this gift and make it yours.

 photo by trinixy.ru

Chemically Altering

My last post has stayed with me.  The words 'mind altering' and the meaning has stayed on my mind (even words can be mind altering). 

I started thinking that everything alters our bodies' chemistry.  Alot of the 'stuff' in our lives may be harmful and yet we are allowing it and I just keep on keeping on.

Besides the obvious - alcohol and drugs - sugar in lemonade (I was thinking about drinking lemonade on the front porch); the artificial sweetener in soda; the preservatives and chemicals in our food; microwaves, cell phone transmissions; remote controls; satellite radio; the smells of gasoline and cigarette smoke - it can be abundantly exorbitant. 

Our animals are being fed corn when grass used to be their diet.  Chickens are grown at a much faster rate than ever before.

All of this stuff is in and around us and, I don't really know what is going through us. 

I get overwhelmed thinking about all the possibilities.   I also find myself in awe of the human body.

I guess I just take one day at a time and try to stay aware of what I put in my body.  Too funny - I go to Dictionary.com to look up exorbitant and there is an advertisement right there that says 'take charge of what you eat'. 

May you love yourself enough to be aware and choose energetically what you put in your body.  May you put good 'energy' into your body today.

Times

We are buying, or at least trying to buy, a home in Florida, USA.  This will not be our first home that we have purchased over the last 10 years.

However, this is the first time where our economy, and, perhaps fear of it, is upon us.

Wow.  Completely different ballgame. 

The real estate area, the mortgage banks, the Home Owner's Association.  It feels so different to me.

We are much more scrutinized.  The flow of the process is hindered greatly.

Mmmm.  Is this the world OR is it my vision of the world.  Both, probably. 

I'm ready for us all to be more open, more trusting, more in the moment than we are.

I hope this can happen.  I know it will.

We, the humans, perhaps have to catch up with the technology and know each other again.

If you are one of the people that still sits on the front porch and just hangs, (and doesn't have mind-altering substances available) can I come over?  Ha.

Are you finding your own way like we all (perhaps) want to OR are you being pulled or pushed like some of us?

Thought

It matters not where you swim; but what you think about the water.

Self Beauty

May you know the beauty of your self today.

Energy Work

I had energy work (massage, cranial sacral, reiki, cleansing, letting go of certain connections) this morning by a woman who I have been working with for over 7 years.  I have not seen her for 6 mos. and she said that she feels that the lower part of my fingers look almost normal!  Wow.  Haven't heard this since I was very young.

We spent 3 hours together this morning.  Somewhat 'weirdo' stuff and felt more real than alot of things in my life.

What I felt was pretty much what she was thinking and we felt universally connected.  I say this because when she was touching my heel, I felt my heart and neck 'talk' and she went on to say it was my feminine energy and me ready to own a new way of seeing things and doing things. 

When she was working on my neck, I felt my arms and hands having more bloodflow and the skin getting softer. 

When she was working on my belly, I began to burp (I did say excuse me) and we knew it was my way of releasing because it became a 'habit' of mine to do so continuously over many other sessions.

I now feel drained and, yet, there is so much energy throughout my body.  It is not a common or normal feeling for me and I honestly don't know what to do with it.  It scares me and excites me. 

I hear myself telling myself I am nuts.  However, I don't think my mind is what's creating this.  It's for real in my body.  I sure hope I can function clearly and fully with this newer version of me soon.

I've been spacey and muddled in the brain.  I've not felt like being around people.  I have somewhat hibernated myself in. 

I do not like where I am.  Yet, I know this is where I'm supposed to be.

I heard something today that said when darkness or gloom befalls on us, know that there is a reason and that soon good will be coming our way.

This feels true for me.  I feel great happiness and power coming alive within me. 

Yet, there is another part of me that thinks I've totally gone off my rocker! 

It's interesting how it's sunny here, then thundering and dark, then heavy rain, then sun again.  I can say this with certainty... my mood, thinking and feelings are certainly in line with the weather today.

May you know that I am not nuts!  Ha.

May you connect with your 'nuttiness' when it's truly what is real inside of you.  May you hear it and allow it with gentleness, intelligence and love. 

May we both honor our own (and others') truth, power and inner knowing today and every day.

God's Humor

If this is where I'm supposed to be right now in my life AS IS, then, I'm not getting the joke!  WOWZA.

May God's humor be more understood by me and/or may I find acceptance and trust on a deeper level.

Where is your trust and acceptance of your life?  Would it be helpful to be more open to the love of yourself?

Petty Arguments

I was just outback at the pool cleaning out the vacuum and being miserable. 

I come inside and decide on the playing card 5 of Clubs just for the fun of it.  I look up its meaning and (crack me up) it says 'Petty Arguments'.  (my husband enjoys the pool much more than I; in my head I tell myself he should* clean out the vacuum). 

I realize it's my choice if I want to do something or not.  If I happen to choose to clean the vacuum, I can make it an easy thing or I can make myself miserable.  Today I chose miserable.

I'm hoping I choose better next time!

What are you choosing for your feelings right now?  What are you telling yourself to make you feel this way?

(it is not fun for me to admit this)

*should - I believe this word is best deleted from my vocabulary.  It seems to only get me in trouble.

Sensitive, Kindness and Truth

I'd like to ask the question,
 If we allow ourselves to be sensitive and kind to other people, and, yet, do not speak our truth, are we helping them or hurting them or is it possible that it is neither?

Can I be sensitive to your life situation and still own mine even if they are the opposite ends of the spectrum, so to speak?

Mmmmm.

i.e.  If someone just lost their job and I just received a raise, do I dare speak my truth while I stay sensitive to theirs?  Or is speaking my truth being insensitive? 
      If I choose not to speak my truth, am I hiding my power or being dishonest AND does this help the other person?

Good one, previous commenter.  Very thought provoking.   Thank you.

Do you 'own' your life?  How does 'owning' you life affect other people?  How does it affect you?

Angry at the World

I'm feeling anger alot of the time currently.  I don't know much about feeling anger.  I've always avoided it.  I always thought it was a bit ugly.

I am learning that it can be a helpful tool.  Anger is mostly, for me, frustration and fear.  I think I'm hiding these two things with anger.  Because frustration and fear can find me vulnerable for hurt and I don't feel much like going there.

I'm angry because I want to change my life and, at 50, it's not as easy for me as it was at 20, 30 or 40.  I have many more responsibilities with a home, animals, a child and even a husband.  I find myself putting these into consideration first, before myself.   I have fear of being more in the world with my physical limitations than I've ever felt before.

Why am I allowing responsibility to feel like a hindrance instead of a joy.  I'm angry that I can't or won't just attack my life's dreams head on and become happy doing what I am doing.  (interesting, the word I use is attack - maybe create or obtain would be better)

I want to work with people to help them onto their happy path and I'm afraid to do it.  It's not that I don't think I can.   One friend called me her Maya Angelou.  (i loved this) I truly believe that this is what I'm supposed to be doing in the next chapter of my life.  I can feel what others are feeling.

It's more about my fear of leaving my responsibilities on some level and it's also about who am I to do what makes me happy.  I question if I'm deserving (this is useless and yet I'm still doing it).

Before I had these 'responsibilities' I easily found my way with happiness doing, professionally, what I loved.  Then, I wanted to stay home with my child (and I am happy that I did) and watch her grow.  Now, that she is mostly grown, I want to go out in the world again and be around people and explore and help, in my small way.  I'd love to help the people of the world be their true selves (when and if they are ready).

So, I stay stuck because of fear.  So, I am choosing anger today.  I don't like it and I'm choosing it.

I'll see where I am tomorrow.

When I first heard the words 'life coach' they resignated deep within.  I felt excited.  I need them to more than resignate, yes?  Ha.

Are you doing something you love?  My wish is that you are doing several things you love.

Find Your Comfort

                                                                picture from trinixy.ru


May your life be like resting in a bed of soft, beautiful flowers today!
    no bugs, no allergies allowed.

Dare

I want to put a dare out there today.

I dare us all to look at ourselves today, just today.  (we can always go back to our old way of looking)  But, for today when you look in the mirror, say all the things that you like about yourself.

Today, when you say things to yourself, say kind and loving things about yourself.  You are enough.  You are doing the best you can with what you know.  You rock....

Resist any focus on what you dislike.  Focus completely on what you do like.

Dare you!  A day is 24 hours.  You can do this.  Go!

I like that you care enough to challenge yourself and are brave enough to give this a shot!

May you discover something truly awesome about yourself today!

In Search of the Truth

I believe that we all have our very own truth.  I can look at something and see what I see.  Others can look at something and see it very different than I and each other.

We can all live through the same set of circumstances and, yet, we experience them differently.  We come through them differently; we move on differently.

Is it our past situations, our past and current beliefs that bring us to the true us today.

Honor this true self.  It is unique, one of a kind and has experienced many highs and lows to get us right where we are today.   

We are truly fascinating creatures.  Our bodies function and we really don't have to do much to just live.  When we move our bodies and feed them good vitamins, minerals, carbohydrates, fats and protein we function at a more optimal level.

However, how many of us don't always choose the best choice for our 'engines' and it continues to 'choo'.  It is fascinating.

Our minds, we school; we can read, we can debate - our minds work better with use as well.  And, yet, it continues to work when we 'neglect' it as well.  What about alcohol, all drugs, and hatred.  We can imbibe in any of these that alter our minds, and, for the most part, it's still here helping us through our day.

What magnificent creatures we are.  Let's celebrate ourselves and know - truly believe - the spendidness of oneself.

Let's honor ourselves today.  Let's honor others today.  Let's be fascinated with the aliveness-ness of ourselves today. 

May you know gratefulness because your body and mind are supporting you and sometimes you have to do nothing but be.  Just be...with gentleness, perhaps.

What is the truth of you...

Beautiful

Beautiful to me means spending time with loved ones.  Beautiful to me means a perfect ride.  Beautiful to me means pleasing to the eye.  Beautiful to me means our hearts knowing connection to other hearts.  Beautiful to me is connection with the deepest honesty of ourselves and others.

May you have beauty in your life today.

Happy Father's Day

I think many men get a bum rap.  I know I've learned to be sometimes critical of men and how different they are from women.  Alot are built and raised in a different fashion then women. 

Women and Men are certainly different!  I think it's supposed to be this way.  God's humor. 

Many boys were raised to be strong, tough, adventurous, show no emotions, get the job done and some were raised to even be self centered in hope of making them to be the best man they can be.   Most were raised to be the breadwinner, the caretaker, the ox behind the family dynamic.

Many men are very good at this; what they were taught.  Now, things are being changed up and we want them to be more emotional, more sharing and less in their 'cave'.  Some of us want them to cry or show emotion to prove they are human! 

I want my man to hold me up when I need it, love me, share his life and thoughts and be there for our child.  I want him to be strong and I want him to be truthful about his weaknesses.  I want to try to understand him and give him the benefit of the doubt when I do not.  I want him to smile.

If you have a great father in your man, there is no love like it.  If he can love your children, guide your children, play with your children and teach your children, you have a great man. 

Maybe some of us women can ask for what we want and need and not expect our men to know just because they love us. 

I know I was talking one day about 'he is supposed to be there for me'.  When asked what does that mean exactly, I found it wasn't completely easy to express exactly what I wanted him to do.  Well, I realized (not easiest thing to accept) that if I didn't know exactly what I wanted from him, how did I expect him to know!

So, let's give our men the love we want from them.  Let's treat them the way we want to be treated.  Let's support them the way we want to be supported.  Let's tell them exactly what we want and exactly how we feel before we lose our cool.  Let's show them how we want to be treated by treating them in this manner.

Men are good people.  Men are exciting, strong and loving.  Men are the fathers to our children.

Hooray for Men. 

I want to choose to not be mad at them for not doing something that I didn't even give them a true chance to do.  I know my man loves me.  I know he lives his life in want of protecting me and giving me everything possible. 

I know my man is a great father.  I salute him.

May you choose to let your man know how special in your heart he is.  What he has given you in the past; who he challenges you to be; and how he is there for you in your true time of need. 

May we thank them for all the fun they have added to our lives.

May we salute our men today and truly share with them extra love on this chosen day - Father's Day.

Happy Father's Day to all the men that are there for our children.  THANK YOU.

All In This Together

We are all in this life together.  We are all living at this particular time and we are all growing and learning and being. 

Most of our paths will not cross in this lifetime.  Many will cross only once.  Some stay with us for most of the ride. 

However, we are all beings of energy and this energy is universal.  We are all connected through this.  When you do better, I am better.   When I do better, you are better.

May we all be at the top of our game alot of the time.  May we give ourselves permission to work at 60% of our ability once in a while.  May we share ourselves most of the time.  May we be open minded all of the time.  May we take downtime when we most need it.

May we all know balance when it most eludes us.

May we always hear our inner voice and know that this is our truth today, in this moment.  We are right where we are suppose to be and learn to accept, allow, live and feel what our inner knowing tells us is right for us.  May we allow others their truth whether we understand it or not. 

May love and trust further our journey with ease, openness, courage and just allow each other the freedom to be who they really are.

May you allow you to be you.

Can I get an Amen!

oh my

Full Moon Eclipse

June 15th we experienced a full moon eclipse.  This one scared me a bit.  It's kind of like the unknown to me.  Covering the light.  Wasn't really into it this time. 

It could also mean the end of something.  However, with the end of something, there is always a beginning.  Both can be positive in our lives.

Hey, that's why, maybe I'm feeling between laying low and flying high.   Mmmmm.

Other people have told me they were feeling a bit agitated. 

I do believe it can be a strong force.  Perhaps it can be a time where we let go of what no longer benefits us and create the new of what gives us a brighter light to see ourselves and our paths.

May the full moon eclipse transpire within you a force to let go of what hurts you and bring in what feels spot on.

We all share the moon.  We are connected.

Laying Low

I'm feeling like I'm stuck between laying low and flying high.  A war, within, of some sorts keeping me down and pushing me to fly.

I love that it's summer.  It's so nice going out back with the dogs and not having a chill or having to put on a coat and hanging comfortably with the waterfalls and the fish in the pond.  Mr. Frog croaking happily.  Just now, the smell of a skunk was out there.  Very strong smell, oh my.

I have more energy.  I love being outdoors.  I'm dealing with the contractors more.  I'm up and about more.  I have very little pain.  My hands tingle and let me know they are here (sort of).  I'm eating all the fresh fruits and some vegetables that are abundant in the season.  Cherries are starting now - my favorite. 

School is out and the kids are graduating and getting ready to move on.  Summer is here!  Ahhhhh.  The relaxed schedule, the excitement of fairs and theme parks, the horse shows.  The parks, the pools, the traveling, the shore, the mountains in the summer are all so different than the winter months here in the Northeast of Pennsylvania, USA.

I used to live at the beach in New Jersey.  I loved it.  It's where I belong; along the shore line.  One day again,  I will be there.  Hopefully in warm climate year round.  Can I say Florida?  Then I can vacation in the cold for one week.  That will be enough for me.   Most likely I'll be close to the fire for alot of the week!  The snow, for me, is pretty to look at!

So, happy summer to all who are experiencing it now. 

May all find joy in a relaxed, warm your heart, enjoyable moment today. 

Tarot Wisdom

As I was preparing for sleep last night, I saw Tarot cards on my closet shelf.  I decided to pull them out and ask 'what is my future, where am I heading'.

I picked three cards out of the pile by closing my eyes and running my palm right above the top of the cards until I felt heat.
 
This is what the three cards were and represented.  "The Alchemical Tarot" by Rosemary Ellen Guiley & Robert M. Place"

1.  Nine of Coins.  "Nature provides for you.  You may reap what you have sown.  The message could relate to living off your investments, having more leisure time, or enjoying luxuries.  You have life with ease.  The card also shows that true health is provided by Nature - the world soul, or the Anima Mundi" (world soul).

2.  Knight of Coins.  "The knight represents someone who guards wealth or health, like an investment banker or healer.  The message could suggest the need to look after your own health or wealth, or to get the advice of an expert who can act as a champion."

3.  Nine of Swords.  "You are experiencing needless fear arising from thoughts of impending doom.  Negative thinking is creating the fear.  There is a way out, however, if you can look past those fears.  Or, perhaps you must confront them."

So, I wasn't entirely satisfied and I picked one more card.

4.  Ten of Staffs.  "You have been transformed by your experiences.  You have been tested by fire, your old self has died away, and a new self is being born.  You are renewed.

I was satisfied.

It reminds me of me talking about fear, health and following my inner knowing.  I do have much fear about getting on with my life and starting to live a new chapter of me.  I want to help others to know themselves and heal their lives to contentment and happy.  I have been tested strongly (as we all have) and I am ready to renew, share, live and move through my fear and into living what I know inside of me.  I do want to know my connection to nature and the world soul.  I do want to live my life with ease. 

I am ready.

What do you want for you today?

Ask....What have you got to lose?

I'm liking this honesty stuff.  (most of the time)  It's amazing to me how people respond to this; mostly very favorably.  It's mind blowing for me.

When I am honest about what is going on with me - it opens doors to connections I never have imagined.  It's pretty cool (or do I say 'sick' in today's world?).

Is it more about me being and showing my honest self that is so content-inducing.  Or is it about the connection that is enabled because of it.  Or is it both?

Honesty - try it, you'll like it AND the/your world will be a better place.  Of this, I am certain.  Honesty, with love and care - there is nothing like it.

May you share your honest truth as you go about your day.

Hello

I'm sort of running in circles these past few days.  My head is all over the place between freedom and feeling like a prisoner; between fear and fearless.

I'm befuddled with the direction I'm going to go.  I'm going somewhere; not sure where.

I'm angry at the world for my health issues and not living my best.  I'm resisting admitting that I am the only one responsible for being where I am.  I want to do better and am mad that I don't know how.  I'm finding my way....again.

It's exciting, tiring and scary.  I like the excitement part.  The tiring and the scary is getting old.

I'm anxious to see what happens next.

Are you allowing your life to flow?  Are you creating stagnancy?

Same Situation

Do you often find yourself in the same situation where you hear yourself saying you have a headache, or this gives me a stomachache or I'm going to be sick or something to this nature.

May I please suggest to sit back and listen and just watch the situation next time you find yourself in it.  See what happens.  DO NOT do the same thing you always do.   Sit back and watch what happens.

It may surprise you.  OR at the very least, you will be changing things up at least for a few moments.

I find that we mere mortals can recreate again and again the same situation because it's what we know.  We don't even like it but we play it again and again because of habit or just because we don't take a step back (or forward) to do it differently.

May you do it differently today and watch and be open for the new way that works better for you today.

Change, it is acoming

     "Big Changes Coming to the FBI"

I get done posting on my blog regarding changes for myself.... and as I'm signing out I read the above caption.

Can't make this stuff up.

LOL

Time for Big Change

It's time for me to stop the status quo and start stirring things up.  It's time for me to change my daily life. 

No more stay-at-home mom.  No more taking care of the house ONLY.  No more being here for everyone all the time.

I will still be a mom.  I will still take care of the home.  I will still be here when I can for whoever, whatever is needed.

However, it's time for independence again.  My little baby is almost 17 and she doesn't need me like she did (for quite some time now).  It's time for ME to fly.

I need to get out and be in the world and around fun, smart and loving people.  I need to be around fun, smart and loving people.  Yes, I need to be around fun, smart and loving people where we are working together creating a better world.  Business acquaintances.  I'm ready.

I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going....but I'm ready!

Bring it.

Is there anything you want to change up some in your life to live the life that you know you were born to live?  I know it's in you. 

If your life is working for you just as it is, keep going.  Enjoy it.  Good job!

Too funny, I am trying to download a picture of a puppy trying to get out of a 'pocketbook' and only 1/4 of the picture will download....

Talk about trying to get out or change things up!

Courage

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.  ~e.e. cummings

Judging

One more from Natalie Taylor and her book "Signs of Life:  A Memoir"

"One of the best things Dr. G. told me was that I didn't have to judge every new situation I encountered.  Living alone, for example.  She said I didn't have to say living alone was good or bad, I could just live alone and not make a judgment on it."

To judge or not to judge.  It's easier when I do not, however, hard not to  at times...

Is What Happening in My Head Real?

From the Book "Signs of Life:  A Memoir" by Natalie Taylor

"In the "King's Cross" chapter in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, after Harry has his long conversation with Albus Dumbledore, Harry looks at Dumbledore's twinkling eyes and says, "Tell me one last thing.  Is this real?  Or has this been happening inside my head?"  Dumbledore says "Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?""

Mmmm.

To Balance or Not to Balance

From the book "Signs of Life:  A Memoir" by Natalie Taylor

"I realize I'm not the only one who is trying to balance something unbalanceable."

Where I'm At

I'm not sure where I am at.  I cannot settle on a thought or feeling.  I'm not all over the place and I am not settled.

I am.

Nothing more; nothing less.

I'm a bit uncomfortable with this.  My mind is not being used.  I have no goal.  I have no complaint.

I am.

Oh my.

Where are you?

Drop in Temperature

Oh, it has dropped 30 degrees in the last two days and my body is wondering what is going on.  Part of me feels refreshed.....

Oh, I can't do this..  My body hurts.  My muscles are screaming and I cannot get comfortable.  I'm tired of saying this and I'm certainly tired of feeling this. 

I'm not sure where to go from here.

Do you know where you are going?

Ha.

Helping Others to be True

I am finding the only way I can do this is to be true myself.  Share my truth.  State my truth.  Write my truth.  Most importantly, OWN my truth.

I have a habit of telling myself that what I am feeling is nonsense or not real or weird.  I am brilliant at ignoring it and not connecting to it, at times.

I want this to be more commonplace for me.  When I feel something, acknowledge it, OWN it. 

I then can choose to act or react.  I need to hear it and know it and own it first.  Then I go from here.

I'm ready.

Are you owning what you are feeling and/or do you do something else with your feelings?

Thunderstorm

I wake up to thunder this morning.  A good thunderstorm is always enjoyable to me.  And, as I say this, because of so much 'bad' weather in the world, they are different to me then they used to be.  I still enjoy them and I feel like I want to put a clause in there like 'when I stay safe or they don't affect me'. 

I see and feel so many changes and 'harshness' (at times) in the world.  I have this deep rooted belief that it is time for all of us to give up what we know that is no longer beneficial and be who we really are and stop the racing and struggle to be who we are not because of the mere thought of 'getting ahead' in our life.

I see families (including mine) rushing to win; do more; be better; make money.  Yet, when we are on our deathbeds, the only thing that matters is the relationships we have and have had.  I volunteered for hospice for several years and it was nice knowing the story of a person's life; interesting and fascinating even.  However, the concentration of most conversations were about the days of family gatherings, picnics with friends, laughter about sharing stories, spending time with each other.  The way this person made people feel.  This is what we can take with us and have with us always.

We cannot take trophies, money, or even our favorite things with us when we die.  We take our cherished memories, or so it seems.

I'm not saying that winning, money and things we love are negative things; quite the contrary.  However, if we are pushing too hard; not living what feels right inside; or hurting ourselves and others; I'm questioning if this is the road that is best to be on.

I get caught up in we need money to pay bills and live.  It feels really good to work hard and see and feel a happy, successful outcome.  I do enjoy surrounding myself with things I love.  However, staying in my own head (and by this I mean not comparing myself to others to see what I need to be doing or worrying that they may have more or know better), following my own happy, giving and allowing myself what feels true for me... and allowing and helping others to do best for them.  This, I believe, is where we all would do best to be.

Something the Universe may just be pushing us all to do.  I feel this would be a really GOOD thing.  If you stayed happy or sad because of what you know in each moment and I stayed happy or sad because of what I know.  We can share what each other feel. We can have compassion, empathy, enjoyment and sorrow.   I think it's best if we don't try to be what the other person is feeling also.  (just because someone is angry, I don't want to give up my happy OR just because someone is happy doesn't mean it's wrong for me to feel something else)

When I encounter people that I don't relate easily to or understand what they are feeling because I have not had their experiences;  if I can allow them to be them and stay in my own knowing and love myself enough to allow them to be them; does this allow and/or give me more freedom to be me in this world.  Can I stay more concerned about what I can do, feel and know instead of trying to change others or even judging others.

Can I know that what I feel and believe is the right answer for me and not use someone else's answer for myself.

Is this the best way to survive a storm? 

Where do I come up with these things?  Ha.

May you be following YOU every step of your journey. 

Tragedy

When tragedy befalls on us; there is usually no understanding, great sadness, great despair, great fear.  So much unknown is trickled throughout it. 

This is when we usually band together, closer then ever and know - really know - what is important to us in this life of living.  Time sometimes seems to stop.  We walk around uncertain, unknowing and feeling what only our bodies and minds will allow us to feel. 

Something happens within us that cooperates or turns off and on automatically.  Survival mode can kick in.  Just going through the motions, every moment is sprinkled heavily with the truth of this tragedy.

We wonder why...

Sometimes the why is never answered.  Sometimes, maybe much later, this can force us to see through a different filter or lens.  Sometimes things become more clear.  Sometimes beauty grows out of it many years later.  Sometimes we just have to live with it.

We survive.  We keep going.

May you believe that you always will survive and you always will keep going no matter what happens in your lifetime.  May you somewhere, someway, if tragedy knocks your world, always know the part of you that is your spirit, the light.

Is there always a part of us that keeps growing to walk our life path.  Is this a path that is given to us the day we are conceived to be in this human world. 

Is this truly what it means to BE U.

May God bless our world and everyone in it.  May we know peace amongst the confusion.

May one day we just live through peace.

Playing Card Meaning

I'm here waiting for the propane man and I decide to pick a playing card.  9 of Clubs.

Meaning for the 9 of Clubs is:

"Much is held in reserve, including strong will. Stubbornness."

    Can't make this stuff up.  Ha.

It is what I've been blogging a bit about.








  

Wash and rinse... again and again and again and again

I saw this funny 'skit' online about a kid washing his hair and a 'friend' was continuously pouring on the shampoo and the kid couldn't figure out why it wasn't rinsing out.  His eyes were closed from all the soap.

Then, I hear a commercial on the radio about 'how many times do I have to rinse before it's all washed out'.

Of course, I take it and hear 'how many times will I keep doing the same thing and coming up with the same feeling before I lose my stubborness and move on and change things up and DO IT DIFFERENTLY'. 

Kind of like, stop hitting my head against the wall already and live a different road, so to speak. 

Be the difference I want to know.

Can I?  Will I?  I hope so.

Are you ready to stop saying the same thing over and over and over again? 

 Do it differently instead of being stuck in a belief that isn't working for us.  In other words, believe something that makes me feel good instead of a belief that upsets me.

        If I believe I can; I can.   If I believe I cannot, I cannot.

HOT HOT HOT

It is hot here.  Wowee.  100 degrees today.  Bright sun.  Hazy a bit because of the extra heat.  I still like it better than 30 degrees F. 

I have the tick guy spraying for ticks in my yard.  I'm waiting for the plumber to fix my gas leak so I can get that up and running.

My dogs are lazy and I'm just being.  I'm just going along for the ride.  My 90 yr old Aunt is here in town and she wants to shop, God bless her.  Can't walk easily, but wants to shop.  Proof that where there is a will; there is a way.

My daughter is at the barn; it has to be hot there.  She amazes me.  My husband is in Canada and says it is beautiful there.

I'm holding down the fort, so to speak.  I'm always holding down the fort. 

One toe and one finger have open wounds on them.  Ouch.  And, I'm doing okay.  For the most part, all is fine in my world today.

May you know 'will' today and have your way and be fine just doing it!  Ha.

Wait

If I wait long enough, my feelings/mood will change.  I go to sleep a content 'camper'.

Productivity feels good. 

Are you being productive in the way(s) that matters to you?

Propane Leak

While sharing my 'angry' today, my house has come up with its own 'share'... a propane leak!  All gas to my home has had to be turned off which heats my hot water and my pool and gives me gas at my stove and grille. 

Interesting.  Can't make this stuff up!

Besides all the water leaks in the past; now the propane is coming along for the ride, so to speak.  WHAT?

Oh, the Universe has humor.

I pray I get through it.  Ha.

I'm just sitting here staring at the screen.  What's a woman to do?

May you be aware and not fight your reality; learn to grow and take it head on!
   in a loving way, of course.

oh my... help is on it's way.  (don't want to be 'here' either but 'here' I will be)! at least we are all safe.

Don't Want To

I really am resisting going here.  I've logged on a few times and logged right back out.

I am feeling angry.  Angry at myself; my family, people that are living their lives, my animals, my responsibilities.  Pretty much angry at everything.

I'm angry that I have hands that look like they do and in the way they work.  I'm angry that I'm not taking better care of myself.  I'm angry that I'm not living the 'me' that feels alive.

I see the world around me functioning (albeit not always smoothly); but nonetheless, functioning and moving.  I hear the people in my life doing fun things and things together.  I see the year moving right along with no matter about me.

I'm angry.  I don't like being angry.  I don't like the way it makes me feel.  I feel childish and stupid.  I feel it's unproductive and keeps me stuck.

My 'knowing' knows that this is where I need to be.  That if I allow it and accept it; it will work itself through me and living this truth will enable a better me to emerge and live on.

So, I'm putting it out there.  I'm angry that I don't do better to protect my beliefs and what I know is right for me.  I'm angry that I have to have people help me take care of my home.  I'm angry if I don't have people help me take care of my home.

If this isn't stuck, I'm not sure what is.   Ha.

So, I'll process the anger by sharing it and feeling it and knowing it.  I will try not to resist and bury it.  It's just an emotion, right?

Yes, I am dizzy now.   I must be changing things up inside of myself.  Oopps. there it is!  (WHAT?)

Again, when I feel what I'm feeling and state it in writing, it isn't half as powerful as what it feels like it is before I express it.

Do you have an emotion/feeling inside of you that it's time to express and move through it? 

Perhaps, we can all learn that by allowing it and facing what is inside of us that we are not comfortable with, it becomes much more powerless over us.

Smile

My wish for you is to smile when you see your reflection.

Green

Green is for healing. 

My wish is for green to cover our world and we all heal and share and be open to what we do not know yet.

Baby Bluejay

I found a baby Bluejay this morning hanging out at the pond.  It must have fallen from it's nest.  It was quite big and it's feathers were not completely grown in yet.

All I could imagine that my cat or dog would 'play' with it and it wouldn't be a good ending.

I carefully picked it up with a towel and it squawked (sounded like a cat) and I placed it high on the bird feeder hoping its mom would come and feed it and take care of it and it would have the opportunity to fly away.

Once I found the baby bird, it was over the top for me.  I had a hard time focusing on other things and I kept checking back to see what has become of it.  I felt fortunate I was able to hold it.  I was sad that it couldn't fly yet and was completely helpless.

Right before my mother-in-law died, I asked her to send me bluejays if she could so I would know she is around.  I have seen numerous bluejays together at a time, perhaps as many as 4 or 5 at one time.  I have never seen a baby like this. 

I don't know what to make of it.  I want to believe it's her connection to me.  She was a great lady and taught me how to love life, family and be easygoing.  She was brilliant at letting everyone do their own thing and not intruding.  She used to say things were 'lulu' like I say things are 'weird'.

....

Hours later, the baby bird is gone.  No where to be seen.   I choose to believe it was able to fly high and soar!

What do you need to fly high and soar? 

 I know you deserve every bit of it.  Anything is possible; we just have to believe so.

Peace and Quiet; Somber Even

There is peace and quiet surrounding me this morning.  I sense somberness that I'm comfortable in; I sense calmness.

I feel this from the people in my house and I feel this from my animals.  There is no sunshine and the temperature is cool.

The sky is greyish white and it seems that even the fish are swimming slowly this morning.

Is this coming from me or is it in fact like this.   I'm hearing that it is coming from me.  It is my creation for myself in my life.

So, if this is the case, and we really are able to create our lives and affect what is around us; why isn't it like this more often for me.  (perhaps, without the somber part)

Mmmm.

May you create what allows you to feel good right now in this moment. 

Let everything else go and feel what you need to feel and experience; if only for a few moments.

                  This picture represents a somber feeling for me.  It is not where I am at currently.

Be U through Love

Admit

As much as I dislike admitting this, I am having a few bad moments today.  I feel fearful, worthless, and a lack of drive; an inability to move forward because of fear.

I want to want to be productive and it is just not in me presently.  I'm fighting even admitting this.

I'm feeling silly and angry that this is where I am at.  I want to be in a different place mentally and I am not.

I hear one part of me saying 'accept what is'.  I hear another part of me saying 'you are not living up to your potential'.  Yet, another part of me is saying 'this is a bunch of crapola'. 

Do I choose which part I want to believe.   Do I shut down completely as to not feel the negative.  Do I run from what I am feeling.  Do I ride it out.  Do I scream and shout.

Oh, so many options.  I'm tired of running and shutting down; doesn't work for me anymore.  So, let's say I want to accept what I'm feeling; know it is real for me in this moment; honor it and ride it out. 

It's worth a try.  I'm worth it.

When I get out of the muddled thinking and write it out and hear it sensibly through my brain and not so much as feel it through emotions... life seems more clear. 

Clear is good for me right now.  I will take clear.

What is working for you in the present moment?  Is there something you can choose to admit and accept and let run through you?

Breathe

What a beautiful day to breathe in the fresh air.  It feels healthy, invigorating, alive.

I can't believe I just said it feels healthy.  I feel healthy.  Large part of me anyway!  How nice is this for me.  I haven't said these words in a long, long time. 

I'm ready to push forward and step out of my old self. 

My hands are swollen some from using them too much.  The drastic change in temperature from 94 to 55 affects my body. 

It feels different this time.  I can feel them trying to work properly and get the circulation running through my fingertips.  I can feel the blood ready to push through and flow nicely.  I can feel my skin softer and loosening.

I don't know what I need to do to make it a 'go'; or if I have to do anything.  I'm ready for my miracle and I'm hoping and praying that it happens.  I'm ready for my fingers to feel and live again.  I'm ready for the numbness in my face to go away and my light to shine outward from it. 

I AM READY.

I want to see if my body is...

Yep, I'm weird.  Ha.

If I can dream it; I can achieve it.

What are you finding yourself dreaming about today?  Are you ready for your dream(s) to become reality?

Beautiful Day

It's a beautiful day here in my little area of the world.  Sun is shining.  Air is refreshing.  Sky is blue.  Trees are green and the flowers are brilliant in color.

It's a great day to just soak it all in and let it all be.  Let life happen in me and around me. 

My dogs are running after each other as I throw the toys.  They are chipper and enjoying the comfort of the weather.  It is 60 degrees.  To me, cool in the shade and perfect in the sun.

I don't have anything helpful or fact filled.  I don't have any words of wisdom or thoughts to ponder.

All I have is this beautiful day.  I can choose to let it be all that I need today; so that is just what I'll do.

I have all that I need in this moment and my life is beautiful.

May you have several, beautiful, all you need moments today.

Torn between two Ways of Living

I have my old way so ingrained inside and around me and I have a new way on the horizon just waiting for me to live it.

I choose to live today with awareness, knowledge and tools to live the life that feels right for me.  I am going to follow my happy.  Live what is inside of me.

I am ready.

Are you?

A New Day

A new day is here.  What do we have planned for it?  What does it have planned for us?

Anything is possible.  Believe.

May you believe that you can do anything you want.

If you can dream it, you can achieve it.

If you can live it, you can become it.

If you can feel it, it can touch you.

A new day.  Possibilities are endless. 

Dream On.  Achieve On.  Live it.  Become it.  Feel it.  Let it touch you...

A New Day.  How lucky we can be.  BE U

Another Way to Say It

So, as I'm contemplating a new way to live, letting go of my stubborness and changing things up,  I open Mark Nepo's book "The Book Of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have" and I read

"I begin to think about my struggles not to give myself away.  When growing up, I had to check myself at the door like a coat in order to relate to others.  Often, I had to pretend to be less than I was in order to be loved.  For years, I would shelve my light to take care of others.  Like a fireman, I'd drop whatever I was doing to rush to the rescue.  For so long, the choice seemed only to stay open and lose myself or to close up and cut others off.  But today, while running freely through the streets, close to others but not entangled, I realize I am learning after many attempts that I can stay close and porous, caring and present, without holding everyone's anxiety and without going undergound.  At least I can try."

This man is a genius with words.  I know what I took on, at an early age, was only my belief and I most likely could have (if I would have known how) thought differently.  However, this is/was my path and I am choosing to do differently and smarter today with what I know now.

I can be me and know others and let it all be.

My wish for you is to believe what works best for you to believe in the present time; in the now. 

Draining

It amazes me each and every time I learn about myself and take a good, not-so-easy look at my truth of who and what I've created for my life, how very draining and exhausted it makes me.

I had a session this morning and learned more about my stubborness, my inability and ability to be me around people and having to be connected to everyone I encounter on a deeper level than 'normal'.

I have to learn more about living my truth in each moment when I encounter different scenarios, personalities, beliefs, and even heritage or customs.  I feel I'm mostly open to it all.  I still know insecurity, uncomfortableness and misunderstanding. 

I want to be okay through all of this in each moment...

mmmm.   asking too much?  not sure.

May you believe and trust that anything life throws at you; you can handle and you will be okay.  No matter what.

Stubborness

It's time to let my stubborness of what I knew and believe go.  It's time to create new beliefs and learn and live in new ways.

I want to let go of doing what I think I have to do to what I want to do as much as possible.

I'm the only one saying that I have to do alot of the things that I tell myself.

Today is a new day.  I'm going to live it differently.

Are you ready to give yourself a chance to believe differently?

Perfect Weather

A perfect day here on the Northeast coast of the United States!  A cool breeze, hot sun, beautiful blue sky.  I don't want to come inside.  I'm heading back out now.

I appreciate and am grateful for a most glorious day!

I'm going to bask in it.

My wish for you is that you are basking in your glory.

Hormones

I feel silly talking about hormones.  Yet, this is where I am at.  I ran out of progesterone two days ago and I feel the affect of it.  I think anyway!

I am more anxious in my belly and my head seems more imbalanced.  I feel more out of my body.  It's harder to grasp anything mentally.

My skin is certainly starting to feel softer and more pliable and I felt an immediate STOP to this without the progesterone.

I don't know if I am nuts or if I really feel this.  Can it be my imagination.  I think it can and I don't think it is.

So, I just took a dose because it came by mail and I'll see what happens next.

Progesterone is produced in a greater amount when we women get pregnant.  While I was pregnant, 17 years ago, I had no symptoms of scleroderma.  This is why I am trying this hormone now.

It is calming.  Also, when I went from a high dose to a low dose on my monthly schedule, I almost immediately started to develop ulcers on my fingers.  I have one really small one on my toe presently.

Trials and tribulations of being me, being human and being female. 

Life.  It's a beautiful thing filled with ugly things.

Where is your focus today?  The beauty or the beastiness of life?  How does it feel inside of you? 

Getting Ready for an Office Visit

I'm going to a doctor's appointment soon.  A therapist where I take a good, true look at myself.  I'm feeling uncomfortable and resistant.

Oh, it's going to be a good session!

I'm learning that I can work through my fear and be more me on the other side.

May you face what you have been resisting and find a happy YOU on the other side!

Cats Meowing, Dogs Barking, Birds Squawking, Frogs Ribit-ing

There is one thing that can make my bones tremble.  This is the barking of a high pitched dog that puts her snout in the air and gives it all she's got. 

The incessant bark is a sure way that I can find myself irritated.

Why then, is it that sometimes I can easily ignore the barking and other times it gets on my last nerve.

Again, it's what is going on with me that makes me react differently.  Sometimes, I can sit in the house and totally ignore my dogs' barking outback.  Other times, if I worry about the neighbor, I find myself getting up immediately and running out to stop the 'noise' under duress.

I am both people - the worrier and the calm and cool.

I like the calm and cool me.  I'm much easier to live with.

Is there a part of you that you have a much easier time living with?  Can you choose to focus on these traits and make life more positive for yourself?

Ha.