Searching

I'm searching to find ways to feel different, better, more alive and even healthier.  I'm trying less of some things and more of others.

Less of diet Coke, medicine, and even vitamin supplements.  More of exercise, organic eating and happy thinking.

Asking for what I want and what I need.  Loving myself and knowing that I am worth whatever I wish for.  Through love, compassion, empathy; With strength, knowledge and truth; it's time to hear my truth and follow my truth and live my truth.  I have open arms that wants to support you to be in and to live your truth. 

Look out - I'm on a track here and heading for MYSELF.  There is nothing that is going to get in my way.  I plan to continue to walk through all of my life to get to ME.  I'm ready to be Me openly, honestly, daringly.

Are U ready to BE U? 

What Have I Got to Lose

The way I'm feeling lately, I have to try new and/or different.  I'm going to take less medicine and vitamins.  I am going to continue to go with how I'm feeling.  I am even going to cut back on my one diet coke with lemon a day because of the caffeine and lack of nutrition.

This diet coke thing with me is something I don't want to do.   I look forward to my diet coke with lemon.  I like the bubbles, sparkle, the smell of the lemon.  It's like a party in a cup for me.  I make it this way for myself.  However, I used to say that the caffeine (even just a little) can rev me up and make me uncomfortable.  So, what do I have to lose.  I might as well try it.   I hope that I can just stop for even just enough time to see if it makes a difference in how I am feeling.  (as I'm drinking my diet coke with lemon now).  How goofy is this.... Ha.  Human Behavior fascinates me.

Maybe just one little thing can change me alot.  I don't know if I don't try.

My health is still not where I am comfortable.

Is there one small thing U've been wanting to change up some?  Is the time now?

Another Day to Do Better

I have another day in front of me to live happier; stronger; better.   I have another day to breathe the air and look at nature.  I have another day to love my loved ones. 

How grateful I am. 

Another day with endless possibilities.

What are U going to do with your day?

Experts

Alot of the experts I know and work with, and am honored to do so, are asking me, today, what am I afraid of. 

How very interesting and how horribly hard for me to answer.

Working through.......

Breathe.

Anything U want to tackle for yourself; along with me?

I wish I learned this stuff in school instead of; or at the very least; along with everything else.

My achin head!  Ha.

Body is Talking

Oh, my body is talking.  I cannot understand it.  It's 'talking' loudly and I do not know it's request.  I am not having fun now and I am not liking where I'm at.

I will be glad when this has passed.  I'm not in control.  I am dizzy and nauseous.  I am frightened that I won't know how to change this.

Never say never is all I can think.

Life is not dull.  Or is it.

Do I face this head on and try to hear, learn and respond.  Do I run and hide.  Do I bury it deep down.  Do I cope or deal.

So many options; so not sure what to do.

When one is sick and cannot take a pill, drink, or even a shot; what does one do.  Mmmm.  Pray is a good idea.  Allow and walk through.  I'm praying; allowing; and walking through.  Not an easy feat for me.

What do U find yourself doing when something wants into your life and U want none of it.  Like Mother Nature, sometimes there is just no stopping it.

I am trying to dance during this 'thunderstorm' that I find myself in.  Sometimes I am winning; sometimes not sure and sometimes I am clearly not in control.  I, however, DO still hear the music.  The music is pretty low, but I still hear it.  I know it is here.

Following Your Happy

I saw someone on TV today.  I heard her say that she doesn't strive for happy because then 'you have to come down from it'.  I thought wow - she is right.  Maybe it would be best if I stopped saying to follow my happy; live my happy, yadda, yadda.

....Then, I think - yes, but I like happy.  Happy feels really good.  I don't want to give happy up and I don't want to give my happy away.

I think striving for happy works for me.  When I come down from happy - then I can be content.   Coming 'down' from happy to content works for me.

Do U like happy.  Do U like content.  Which do U want to easily strive for.

I believe us humans work best when we feel all of us.  Happy, Sad; Loving, Hateful; Content, Frustrated; Energized, Tired, etc.

Can we know one without knowing the opposite?

We are partying now!  Oh My.

Staying in My Own Head; Leaving Yours Alone

I am realizing that I feel, or try to, feel what you feel.   I hurt when you hurt.  I am sad when you are sad.  I am happy when you are happy.  I own what you feel.

I am realizing that this is not my job, nor do you want it to be.  You are better when I let you own what you feel and do.  I am better when I let you own what you feel and do.

Life, for me, works best when I stay in my own.  When I feel what I feel.  When I know what I know.  When I see what I see.

To see/do/be through you is not true for me; not true for you.

I need to stand in my own life and let you stand in yours.

Woweeee..

Can I do this?  I will try.

My wish for U is that I don't own for U what U need to own.  My wish for U is that U stand in and on your own.   I hope I can own me while U own U.

Just Going With It

I'm here still.  I'm open to knowing, learning, growing and living.  Dr. says I'm 'flatlining'.   I certainly feel this way.

I am struggling with struggling. 

I need to hear my voice; speak my voice; and present myself to my life.  I am finding myself wanting alone time because I can't take on any outside 'noise'.  I have so much of my own; I have to be closed (for now) to the world outside of myself. 

I've never lived this.  I've never been connected to or have I known anger.  I am feeling angry and frustrated.  I know it's time to listen to me.  Listen to my knowing. 

Am I going to do this?  I don't know.   I hope so.

So, my life continues.....

Are U allowing life to live through U?  Are you shutting off or not allowing certain things that are knocking at the door of yourself out of fear or some other reason.  Is it time to let life flow; all life flow through U as U.

S C A R Y.

What I Think

I think my body chemistry is changing greatly with the progesterone cream on my arm.  I have never felt this stable before in my body and it is a very unstabling feeling.

Figure this one out!

I am not working from high adrenaline and it is a very strange feeling for me.

Am I certain of this.  No.   I see one of the doctors tomorrow who is working with me; the one who is prescribing me the hormones.

What a long, strange trip I'm on.

How's Ur life today?  Are U present in it.

Ugly

I feel like I'm in a very ugly place right now.  I hope I can get out.  This human-ness is certainly a challenge for me lately. 

I KNOW I have to walk through this at this time of my life.  I feel there is no other way. 

Walk on.  Nothing else.

Very interesting how NOT FUN this is.

I have nothing else at this moment.  Can't get any more true than this.

I have nothing.  I wish U a lot.

I'm waiting for my light to show up and shine on.

CrossRoads

I'm feeling like I may be at a crossroad.  I'm not sure when I sit down to type what I feel or what I'm going to say. 

I never really had a plan to what I was going to say, but I certainly knew what I was feeling.  It's a bit different for me now.

I feel like I don't have much to say.  I feel like I'm not connected to my feelings or thoughts.  I sort of feel dead inside.

Is this from not having a life outside of my family.  Is this from the hormone protocol change.  Is this that I'm sitting just where I am (just being) and not wanting or feeling the need to look for me; to look for answers.

My guess is that it is from all of the above and more.  I'm feeling like I need some alone time here at my home.  Time where the doorbell doesn't ring daily.  Time where contractors are not knocking or needed almost daily.  Time where I don't have to work my life around the hours of people that are helping me.  Time where I know there will not be any disruptions (or hardly any) to what I am doing and I can stay focused on where I'm heading and what I'm doing. 

I get too easily pulled into others' thoughts, ideas, plans and present needs.  I put mine on the back burner.  I am (I think) perfectly fine to do this some of the time.  However, BALANCE is much needed here as well as in my life.  I find myself not getting involved in too many things that I want to accomplish because it feels easier this way when I am needed elsewhere by others.

It's great having help when I need it.  It's great that others want my opinion and knowledge and help.  I want to feel less 'pulled' in directions of NOT my choosing.  I want to choose the direction of my own life.  (What came up for me to type is 'is this possible')  I believe this is not only possible, but the way that life works best.  When we operate from within through love, compassion, empathy AND ONLY from within first and foremost, does life work best for us and others.

Not an easy feat for me.  I know what is going on within myself.  It's just being brave enough to take this 'within' knowledge and work it out and about my person.  Ask myself what is it that brings me most peace and try to share that and follow this road.

This is where I am at today.  This is something very important for me to learn and to do.  To not 'turn off' what comes up for me deep inside; to not ignore it.  Only to live it.  Just live what is deep inside of me no matter what.  Live my truth.  (scary)

Right now, my mind is having a hard time to know if I do this or not.  I must live it some of the time, yes?  I know I don't live it all the time.  It feels too hard for me.  My brain tells me that this should be the easiest thing to do.  However, as a child, I turned 'me' off so I wouldn't rock anyones' boat.  I kept peace (or at least more peace) in my household just being quiet.  (or so I thought) 

I grew up just going with the flow of my situation.  Just fitting in and doing what needed to be done.  This was good on many levels.  The ease, trust and love that I offered up outside of myself was fun and I did so many things and learned a lot being and living this way; through others. 

I am at the time in my life where I want to share me.  I want to know me.  I want to live, breathe and do me.  I still want to create ease, trust and love all around me.  I just also want to honor what is screaming inside of me to come out.  My truth of what feels true to me on all subjects.  Let it be okay if someone is uncomfortable or show signs of anger when they are around me.  I don't need to own someone else's discomfort. It is not my job to change that or even question that for them.  I can sit with the person and let them share their discomfort.  I do not need to own their discomfort.  I'm sure I have enough of my own.

What a revelation.  The question is can I truly live this way.  Step by baby step.  Be brave enough to say what I feel in the moment.  Do I say it to hurt someone?  Definitely not.  Do I say it because I feel it?  Yes, especially when it comes from a place of love, caring and my truth.  How true is it that I will know how others will act/react.

My goal is to not change the world around me (well, I guess that's not exactly true).  My goal is to change some parts of myself so I can live and stand in my own beautiful light.  The light I was born with.  The light that came with me for me to be me.

How is your Be U light.  The light that U were born with; the light and truth that makes/allows U to Be U.  Is it at the brightness U want it to be today.  Is there something U are feeling/needing/wanting to do to use the light that U were born with.  Go For It.

May we all shine our light just a little bit brighter today.  Let's light up the world together.

Change, Change, Change

Change is happening all around me.  Change in my daughter's needs for me.  Change in the weather from Florida to Pennsylvania.  Change in my body.  Change in my relationships.  Change in my needs.  Change in my head.

I'm overcome with Change.  After being away in a hotel for 2 months; now coming home.  I see things differently; perhaps more clearly.  THIS IS GOOD.

Change.  I'm seeing my life and ready for change.  Keep what works, change what doesn't.

Changes by David Bowie.  Changes.

Ch Ch Ch Changes.

What in Ur life are U ready to change.  Are U ready and/or brave enough to do it now.

I have this belief that even if we put our pants on differently today or towel dry ourselves off differently after taking a shower (do the opposite of the side that we usually do first); just one thing consciously different; this can set up and allow change to start at the simplest of levels. 

If nothing else, it brings a different awareness.  Awareness can be really good from keeping me stuck in a pattern I no longer wish to continue.  My brain may actually be resistant to this information.  Ha.

What To Do

I'm here.  I'm home.  I have my daughter out and about living her life.  I want her to live her life.  It makes me happy for her.  My role as mother is changing.  Drastically changing. 

I wasn't forewarned in depth and, yet, I knew that this would be the case.  We have our children as little, young, needy children for such a short period of time.  If you are in this period - cherish it with everything you have; like nothing else matters but your relationship with your children and your spouse (as much as practical and then some).  It all goes so fast.  A friend of mine told me this and I am so glad I listened.  I enjoyed my daughter's childhood days and being with her tremendously; daily.

It's time to let go of that.  It's time to allow our relationship to grow where it is best for her age now.  It's time for me to start spending more time on my needs and desires and life.

................OK, then, it's time.  I haven't many clues as to how. 

OK, so this can be truly fun.  Find me again in whatever light the me that I have become feels it.  I do want to do something.  Some kind of 'Life Coach' is 'calling' me.  I don't want to wait til I'm 'healed'.  What if I never am.  Life is too short. Or so I've been warned......

Yes, I'm achy.  No, I don't want to 'fight' this cold outside of my house.  Am I kind of paralyzed by fear of my lack of physical ability with my hands - yes.  Am I kind of paralyzed because I haven't been out in the work force for 17 years - yes.   I say push through it and live.  Just push through it and live.  I have nothing to lose but boredom.

May U take the 'bull by the horns' and know that life is short.  What is on your 'bucket list' that U can do today.  My wish is for U to do something that reeks of U. 

Bucket list - a list of things U want to do before U die.

Always Light in Darkness

This picture was taken at 8 a.m. down in Ocala, FL, USA.  The cool temperature meeting the heat created a strong, foggy haze.  This is the bright, brilliant sun.  Yet, the haze is truly keeping the light low.

Some days I wake up to 'haze' and a low light.  Some days I wake up to bright light all around me.  Some days, it's not so bright.

The light is always here for me to attach myself to.  It's whether I choose to do so or not. 

My hope is that we always chose, more often than not, to feel the light within ourselves and let it shine.  And, the days that we can't seem to make this choice of choosing light or lightness - let it be OK for us to just be and lay low.

Simple, yes?  Some days yes.  Some days not quite so.

My wish for U is to allow what is to be OK and to know that no matter what, U'll be OK.  To believe that life, in and with all of its magnificence; eventually, always leads us to OK. 

Hey, what if balance = ok. 

Some days high, some days low --- all these days eventually bring us to OK.  I just want to let it be and ride it out and LIVE.

Some smart person somewhere said that it's the journey, not the destination, that truly matters. 

Hormones

Still working on taking bio identical hormones to see if they can help me.  I am feeling anxious and scared today, yet strong and not too dizzy.  This is interesting if nothing else.  I sort of want to jump out of my own skin. 

I'm sure (or I feel) that the hormone replacement therapy is not where I need it to be or where it works best for me yet; I am hopeful I'll get there.

Again, when I was pregnant 17 years ago, there were no scleroderma systems that I was experiencing.  I felt pretty normal.  In fact, I loved being pregnant. 

This is what has brought me to working through this protocol to see where I end up. 

I see it is 87 deg down in FL.  It is 40 degrees here.  However, I do not have to be outside here and I certainly am inside.  I am warm.   I am content.  I am with my dogs and my family is close by. 

All is good in my world for this moment.  I am thankful and grateful.

What is good in your life in this moment?  Do U feel connected to your gratefulness of same.  Does it matter to U.

Treatment of the Ones Closest to Us

I just now treated a loved one not so kind.  Why is it that I do this.  Sometimes, I am nicer to a stranger than I am to a person I love.  I was here having a private moment and he stopped by and looked at my screen.  I felt violated and didn't want him watching while I am posting my truths.  I probably felt embarrassed and annoyed.  Reality is, although sitting at my computer writing my thoughts for anyone to see - is not actually private.  Reality is I don't even know what he wanted.  Reality is I don't know if he was looking at the screen at all.  Reality is I overreacted because I chose to push him away instead of him seeing my truth in the moment.   Reality is I lost my focus on what I was doing and I took him as a distraction instead of being open to what he wanted. 

I wish I would stop doing this.  Something about my loved ones - I think because we have a love connection - I expect more from them.  I expect nothing from a stranger.  When I don't get what I expect from a loved one or they don't know what I need in a moment's time or they do something that makes me uncomfortable, I can get angry at them.

This may just have something to do with my inability to speak my inside needs/thoughts/desires.  What would happen if I dared to speak up and share what I am feeling/thinking/needing/wanting instead of just throwing anger out there......  mmmmm.  Perhaps, I will try this.  Oh, another experiment.  How lucky I am.... Oh my.

Do U find yourself treating strangers nicer than U do loved ones, at times?  What would your life be like if U just put out there and shared what U wanted/felt right in the very moment you want it/feel it.  Would it change anything. 

And the Champion Is.....

The HITS Ocala Horse Show 2011 is over.  All is done.  My daughter won Circuit Champion for her division and I am extremely proud of her.  Her hard work and dedication has paid off and it is a very good feeling.

I am pretty tired and getting ready to move out and on to Pennsylvania, USA.  I'll be so happy to be home.  Home is certainly where my heart will be tomorrow at this time.

Congratulations beautiful girl.  You are not just a Champion in the Horse World.  To me, you are a Champion in life and I am so proud how you handled school; work and showing your horses.  You are a lucky girl and deserve to be. 

I sit in awe as I watch you grow into the young woman you are becoming.

Have U told your loved ones how U truly feel about them today.  My wish is for U not to think that they know and go on to tell them just what you feel.

You 'rocked' the horse world, daughter!  I knew you would!

Congratulations!

Home for 5 Days

Well, I have been home for 5 days now.  As much as I don't want to go here, I am struggling.  Struggling with the way I have my life set up.  Struggling with the weather/climate.  Struggling with 'me' time.  I see myself falling back into just being here and seeing what needs to get done and who needs me to do what.  I do not want to go this direction.  I'm angry that it's not easier or that I am not stronger to do better.

Again, I know exactly what I want/need inside of me.  I stop myself expressing/feeling it and I certainly stop myself, at times, in not playing it out.

I know my loved ones want me to.  I have made them used to me being here and they are not about to stop and take over and change me; nor is it their job. 

However, I want to do better.  I haven't done any cardio exercise; I have kept up my leg lifts and floor exercises.  Simple, can-do anywhere floor exercises.  Yet, I am doing them daily.  This is a win for me.  (hey, I didn't think I had any wins).  This is good.  Ha.

I found myself  'paralyzed' this morning when I had some free, alone time.  I sat for 15 minutes not knowing what to do.  I ended up going out for breakfast.  (hey, another win I suppose!)

So, change is happening.  It was hard for me to see it.  However, sitting down thinking my post was going to go one direction; it's ending up going in a much happier, positive direction than I anticipated.  Good stuff!

The most important thing for me is to balance giving with taking.  I was 'made' to give and take.  Humans were made to interact in giving and taking of one's self.  I feel happier when I balance this part of my life.  Really, balancing any part of my life - work/play; laugh/cry; relax/exercise; give/take; calories in/calories out - balance of all works much better for my 'happy'.  For me being me.

May U know balance today if this works for your 'happy'. 

Here in Pennsylvania Home

I am here.  There were a few bumps getting me here and it all worked out just fine.  I stopped to fill the rental car up with gas (because close to the Orlando, FL, USA airport gas stations are double the price) 10 miles from airport and the computer pumps were down and gas could not be dispensed.  This, then, took me 24 minutes to find and fill up.  I had plenty of time, however, and it all worked out.

I am home one full day.  My dogs were/are wonderful.  They seem content and happy.  They are cute and loving.  They look beautiful to me.  My two cats have been saying hello and sitting on my lap often. 

Waking up this morning, it is rainy, dark and in the 40s.  I awoke several times during the night with pain in my fingers and my whole arms, hands and fingers feel swollen and in great discomfort.  My body feels swollen; my face numb.  I believe this is just my body's way of adapting to the change in temperature and it's not a fun place for me.  I know I belong in a warm, tropical climate, yet, I find myself in this again.

I'm angry that this is my truth.  I'm angry that I'm not dealing with it better.  I'm angry that I want to do things around the house and my fingers won't let me lift, wipe, turn things easily or at all.

I'm going to sit with this a bit and see where I go.  I have it in my head that I'll be okay - I always am.  AND, I don't feel like doing anything.

I'm falling into a bit of depression.

I am aware of what is going on around me and I'm going to sit with it a bit and see/feel/know my truth and then, hopefully, move towards my happy and away from what I'm feeling now. 

Do U dare acknowledge and feel all of U and come up with a better plan to keep the happy U and change what doesn't send U towards your happy.

And, if somethings cannot be changed - live through them.  (As I need to tell myself this AND I can feel the stubborness inside of me getting stronger of not wanting/having to do this.)

Pennsylvania Home; I am Here

It was a wonderful 'reception' with my husband and my dogs and even my cats came out to greet me at the door.   I did sit on the floor for quite a bit (15 min.) and just hugged and kissed and petted the dogs and cats.  I went downstairs to the birds and they sang quite nicely for me.  The fish all look healthy and colorful.

My dogs are lying here around my feet; my one beautiful long haired white cat with blue eyes is sitting on my life.  I love the warmth she provides.  I'm very lucky to be surrounded by such loving, beautiful pets.

My daughter made it home via the highway in about 16 hours.  So, we are all under one roof again; and this is good.  Mostly anyway.  Ha.

So as I take a long sigh, I will completely settle in by doing the wash; complete unpacking and sort of find my way around my house again and water the plants, change light bulbs in the night lights.  Because of the daylight savings time; there are a few timers (10 maybe) that have to be changed to go on and off with the new clock time.  yadda   yadda   yadda   I know everyone knows about the change.  How neat is it that our cell phones and computers change all together without us having to do anything.  Amazing ease.

I hope amazing ease for U today.  Let's get our happy on.

Travel Day

I just love travel day.    NOT.

Make your day a your kind of day.

HOME

H             Happy

O            Own; a place to call my own

M            Magical

E              Everything I need and want

I'm going home.  Ahhhhhhh.  How lucky I am.  I'm not sure I've ever been so content and happy to check out of a hotel.

I said to my daughter yesterday - I think this is the first time ever when I saw people checking out of a hotel, I was a a bit aware that I wished it was me.  Usually, I'm grateful it's not me checking out.  I know it was the length of the stay and not having my whole family under my one roof; my home. (and the hotel that came to mind was in Hawaii!)  Ha.

Successful trip in so many ways.
     Being with my daughter was more fabulous than I ever imagined.
     I exercised regularly.
     I met some and spent time with some wonderful people.
     The last month - the weather was wonderful.
     I feel like I was living 'me' more than 'taking care of everything' on a different level than when I'm home.
     I got to watch my daughter grow and be responsible and be wonderful at it.
     My daughter's achievements were great with school scheduling and accomplishments; working part time and getting paychecks; and riding, showing and winning.  There is nothing more a mother can wish for; hope for; dream for in a child.  I am truly blessed. 

What does success mean to U?  What does home mean to U?  Today, are you having success; do U have a sense of fulfillment in your home.   Is there one thing you can do today to create more success and/or better your home. 

My wish for U, today, is to take a minute to know and feel the gratefulness of the success and sense of home that U do have/know/experience. 

Traveling in the AM

I'm heading out tomorrow.  Checking out of the hotel in Florida, USA and leaving the beautiful weather and flying (running) to my dogs, cats, birds, home.  I'm looking so forward to them and their love.  It has been way too long.

It's hard for me to focus on one thing:   packing, boarding pass, locations I have to get to and hoping I get enough sleep.

Nerves have set in some.  Excitement is here.  Brain is turned off a bit.

'See' U on the other side!

The only way I'll get this done is one thing at a time.  Something in me is telling me I need to do more than one thing at a time.  (interesting I'm talking about one thing at a time and certainly not feeling it)

What are U telling yourself today?  Is it something helpful or hurtful or in between.   Are U coping or dealing.

HAPPY SPRING

I do so love spring.  Every Spring I would send flowers to a my parents and parents-in-law and say 'Happy Spring - Spring has Sprung' or something weird like this.

I love seeing the trees bloom, hear the birds sing, watch the tulips and daffodils come up out of the ground.  It's a glorious time of year.  Animals have their babies and the air and sun gets warmer.  Rolling down my car windows and feeling the 'happy' breeze, I start my dethaw.  Everything comes back to life; usually, including me.

Monday, March 21 is the first full day of Spring.  (Does this occur around the world?)  I'm thinking not; only because I know during our summer, other countries experience winters and vice versa.  Perhaps, it is where our earth is in conjunction with the sun that changes all this.  I guess it would have been a good idea to listen better in science class! 

Anyway, it's Spring for me and I will do my spring dance along with the trees, birds and flowers. 

My full intent is to still be me when I arrive home.  My home takes a lot of upkeep (as do most homes) and I suppose it's time for a spring cleaning.  Open the windows (although that probably won't come for two months or so for me) and let in the wonderful air.  Things have shifted and what use to be warm (60s F) in April usually doesn't come til May, the earliest.  Hey, maybe I'll get lucky this year.

Weather, everywhere, is changing.  How beautiful Mother Nature can be; can be just as excruiatingly disastrous as we have and are recently seeing.  AND, there is no stopping Mother Nature.  She will do what she will do.  Tonight, through the full moon, perhaps we can all choose to look at our moon and send some good, loving energy to Japan and each other in hope of resurrecting life to a more together, more real, more secure and loving daily routine. 

United we stand  Divided we fall.  There is truth to this.  And, with one's self as well.  When I am living who I am, feeling who I am, being and acting who I am - I am whole and have so much more to offer.  When I am divided, uncertain and not being me - oh boy; not good!

My wish is that we all spring into action and make a conscious decision to allow the real U to spring from within and, in all your glory, share U with your world.

Each and every one of us 'humans' have 'glorious' in us.  When we come from a place of our love and our truth - the Universe becomes available to us.  We are born with this.  I want to stop limiting myself. 

Treadmill

I won't be back on the treadmill while down here in Florida, USA.  There won't be any free time.  I'm interested in seeing how much my body craves movement while up in Pennsylvania.  We will see.  I hope it craves it and I listen.

I know I was worried about taking time away from my dogs if I exercised with them around.  I know in my head that this is a bit unserving of myself and I wonder where this comes from.  It's not exactly laziness because when I was down here with time on my hands, movement was the first thing on my mind.  It's something about it's easier to just hang out with the dogs and they are content and I am too.

I hope I choose to move and hang.  This would be the best of both options for me.  I certainly feel it in my legs and, with the help of free weights, in my arms and shoulders also.  My tummy, well, do not quite feel it there yet.  My least favorite body part of mine.  I'm changing my thinking on that as well.  I love my belly for supporting me all these years.  My abs haven't seem to be a part of me like the rest of my muscles.  I'm willing that to change.  Can I will it?  I'll see.!

My wish for U to is find 'movement' that U enjoy so much, that when U go to bed at night, U cannot wait until the next day U can do it again. 

When I move my body, it's amazing what it does for my whole being.  And, one last thing I'd like to share is - the more muscle our bodies have, the more calories our bodies burn because muscle burns more calories than fat.  How exciting is this!  I'm going to try to build my muscles because I want to be stronger, healthier, burn more calories and look svelte!  Just by adding push-ups and squats; it's a beautiful thing.  No 'Ha' here.

Move Baby Move      Burn Baby Burn disco inferno     Live Baby Live   (ok, perhaps it would have been best if I stopped 9 words before these!)  Ha

Home

It's good to have a place to call home.

Tired Again

My head is tired; moreso than my body.  Although my body is tired, I feel more mentally drained.  Heavy-headed.  Dizzy.  Out of sorts.

I'm sure it has to do with the upcoming packing and travel days. 

It works out all the time; I get where I want to go (usually easily).  Something about not having a place to land, so to speak.  I'm in between the hotel and my home.  I'm traveling. 

However, as I write this, I realize that I do have a place to land.  I'm heading towards it.  So, although, it's not right around the corner; it is there.  Mmmm.  Interesting.

So, I'm going to try to relax and enjoy this Friday night.  It will never come again, right? 

What and how are you going to live this day that will never come again?  Go for your happy, I suggest.  Ha.

Last Weekend of Hunter/Jumper Horse Show

Well, we made it!  This is the last weekend in Florida.  The excitement, suspense, thrill, work.....   It's all here, now.  See where we end up and just live through it.

The weather is glorious and it's all good.

My father is still in hospital and being taken very good care of and I'm keeping my eye/mind/concern on him as well.  It's very strange.  The way his life has been mixed with mine - seeing him maybe 6x since he left me when I was 11 (all under his direction; he never wanted me in his life the way I thought it should be); truth be told - it's like waiting to hear if he is going to live or die.  That feels like it probably sounds cold and heartless.  It's quite not; I don't want it to be anyway.  I totally care.  Truth is that if he lives, I still won't see him and if he dies - I know he will be dead; and I don't know the impact that will have on me.  I hope he is not suffering and that God is with him holding him and sending him in the direction of happiness and fulfillment.  (how did I get here)  

Anyway, my weekend begins now and I hope I survive!   Ha

Working with ending it here; father sick; school schedule up north; home schedule with contractors, etc. up north; travel arrangements, packing - quite alot in my head.

One at a time, please.  One at a time....

Life continues.  Life moves on no matter what. 

I can fight it and freak.    I can accept and move on with it.  AND, there are probably a million other things I could choose to do.  I hope I choose peace and happy as best I can.

I know if U are human, HA, U have a lot of different things going on in your life.  My wish for U is to choose wisely, informatively, from your heart, and stay on your best path.

Live your life.







  

Cope or Deal

Someone special said to me today 'you can cope or you can deal'.  I thought wow, that's pretty good.

By coping, to me, it's like settling and getting by; staying stuck.  We cope with our life situations.

By dealing, to me, it's like knowing what is going on and taking action to improve or change.  We can deal with our life and not stay stuck; allow our situations to process.

AND, we have the choice of coping or dealing.  We can choose; when it's all we can do; to cope and it's okay.  We can choose when to deal with certain things and change what we can to enable us to create a happier place; a happier U.

What are U choosing to do today - cope or deal.

Thought

I realized, while reading a book last night by Julia Quinn that I do NOT like to have something to say and no one to say it to.

May U always have someone to share your thoughts with, if you choose to. 

What the Heck; Let it Loose

I'm trying to feel all my feelings (something that, perhaps, I've been trying to avoid for far too long).  I'm just letting what is deep down inside me come out.  Sometimes, I think I'm crazy and lost.  Sometimes, I think I'm weird.

Mostly, I'm learning it's just me and it's okay.  I've learned this some by reading my posts after writing them.  As I write them, there is sometimes great emotion, fear, and/or crazy in what I am feeling and writing.

When I go back and read them, I think that the post isn't as necessarily as emotional or fearful as I was feeling.  It's just the emotion I tagged onto a thought or a situation at one point in my life.  It feels like such a great part of me; when in reality, it may be miniscule.

So, I say, what the heck, let it all out.  Don't be afraid to hear, feel, experience what is inside of U in a loving, safe environment.  An environment that, hopefully, we can now create for ourselves, at this point in life. 

Because we are older, wiser, more experienced now that we were in our past; we can, perhaps, help ourself through much more.

Is there something that U feel deep inside that, maybe, U can choose to let go of today?

Good luck; my hope of peace through knowing love of self and others are with U. 

Looks OK

Tough subject - my dad.  Alot of  people don't seem to understand how I could/would want to talk with him and give him my time let alone send money down to his woman friend for gas so she can drive to and fro the hospital to visit with him. 

In complete truth, I'm not sure I even understand it.  I think I'm not there and she can't afford it and I'm happy she is there for him.  Bottom line is although he has not worked to be my dad; he's my dad and I can't ignore him.  Nor do I want to. 

I've learned alot about myself talking with him and he has shown me bits and pieces of all sides of himself.  Again, he just may have done the right thing for me to live a better life than he could have ever showed me or shared with me.

I'll never know and I'm learning to be perfectly okay with this.  I am who I am, in part, because of my 'dad' situation.  Some people may think ' n spite' of the situation.  Maybe both theories are accurate.  I am who I am, nonetheless.

He had some very tough few days.  I talked to him on the phone yesterday for two minutes.  He was out of it.  Probably a good thing for him.  Yes, I've had tears of all different emotions lately. 

What's your reality and if U questioned yourself the way you feel about it; is it helping U to be a better, whole person or is your thinking on your reality keeping U stuck and away from your happy?

Do U matter to U enough to create a better U by the way U are choosing to perceive certain things?

Do I or Do I Not

My father, who deserted his family, a long time ago is sick in the hospital.  I have been talking to him regularly for the past several years and at one point in my life - a critical, long part of my life - I had no idea where he was.  He disappeared, left, poof - was gone one day.

Now he is sick.  What a situation to find myself in.  Pretty hard to understand how I'm feeling and the torn feelings and opposing feelings that come up.

Wow.

I'll take this as it comes; what choice do I have.  A pretty interesting ride. 

Are my emotions/feelings - Am I shutting them down.  Or, do I just not know how to feel so I'm feeling it as I go along. 

Probably a little of both.  So, as the day progresses; we will see what happens.

I wish him well.  I wish him peace and a painfree time.  I hope he handles whatever is given to him.  I will see where I fit in. 

For most of my life, except maybe 1/6 of it, I have not 'fit in' to his life by his choice.  I have learned to believe that this is what was best for my life.  I am good where I am now - for the most part. 

What a strange, sad situation this has been and continues to be.

There's learning here.  There's love here.  There's pain here.

May U allow what is in your life and know and act upon what is the best path for U.

Is it possible that when we live this way, to walk our best path, is it also best for our world and the people in it.  I believe it so.

Where I'm At

I'm struggling some with feeling strong and my hands are pretty sensitive and swollen.  I do think it has something to do with hormones in my body. 

I'm feeling stiff.  Stiff in movement; but also stiff in conversation.  I'm not very able to put words onto what I am feeling.  I'm finding it difficult to focus.  I'm feeling agitated and impatient to chat with anyone.  I'm feeling sort of frozen.

Do I like feeling this way - NO WAY.  Do I think it will pass - I SURELY HOPE SO.  Am I okay where I'm at - YES.  I'm okay where I'm at because I'm believing that I have to feel this, know this, share this to move on from here.  I have to process what is real inside of me and acknowledge it and allow it.

I believe by doing this; I'm on my right path.  I believe there's no place else to be for me.

My wish for you today is that U are feeling like U are on your right path.

What comes to mind is my usual 'You know you got it if it makes you feel good'.  AND, what I'm thinking is you know you got it if it brings u peace.  I'm not exactly feeling good, however, I am feeling a quiet peacefulness.  For what it's worth...

                                                My Gia.  I miss her so.

Going Home

Less than one week to go before I'm home to Pennsylvania, USA.  I am counting down the days to when I wake up in my own bed surrounded by my dogs.  It will be truly wonderful.

I will miss the warm, beautiful sunshine and I'll be glad to get away from this hotel.  I am so grateful I was able to come here and I'm so grateful I am able to go home.

I can't wait to hug my cats and feed my birds and fish.  I can't wait to be surrounded by all my comforts and having things in place the way that I like and get satisfaction and enjoyment from.  Just using my own soft, comfy bath towel is going to be heaven.

I'm still working with hormones, namely progesterone, because as soon I stopped taking it, my hands and body got hurtful, achy and swollen.  So, my doctor and I are going to try a different, everyday progesterone, approach and see what happens.  I am hopeful that I can feel normal.  It would be great to not suffer on a regular basis.  It would truly be a miracle.  A miracle that I am very ready to participate in.

Talk about coming home.

May U be 'home' with yourself wherever U are.

Flow

I am learning and experiencing more of just going with the flow of life and letting it be and allowing myself to feel what I need/want to feel.  Allowing ME to process ME. 

'Oh, this is what I'm feeling; it's not here just because, there's reasons behind what I'm feeling.  Even though they came up on their own - it has to be the result of my thinking/acting/re-acting.'  So, I know it's real and try to just allow whatever comes up to process and go on.

What if Life is about living during the storm - not waiting for it to pass to live.  I am doing this better on some days and I am grateful and more at peace because of it.

Yesterday was NOT an upbeat, go out there and conquer the world day.  It was a day of low lying, letting go of the need to go out there and conquer the world day.  Realizing that I am 'living' doing just this.

Life isn't (for me) always about experiencing exciting adventures.  Life is also (for me) about being just me and sharing this part of myself as well. 

Until very recently I always felt more alive when exploring, entertaining, living it up.  I am now learning to feel alive doing anything.  

Just until recently, I used to feel bored and unimportant (sometimes I still do) if I wasn't full throttle, so to speak.  Now, I know whatever speed I'm at; I am still living my life.

I'm really happy knowing this.

May U find peace and life in everything U do today. 

Lazy Day

Today I am having a wonderful, lazy day.  How enjoyable it is to just be and do nothing.  The day sped by and I feel rested and happy that the day went as it did.

It put a little more balance in my life.  My body (and mind) are thankful that I chose to just hang today and not push (hardly) at all.  What fun that can be when it's a choice.

May U be in the middle of balancing out your life; and liking it.

What Time of Day (Night) is It

I fell asleep early; now I'm awake early.  One hour can make a difference on my 'schedule'.  I love the fact that it is light longer into the night now.  Losing an hour over the weekend was just a little tough and discombobulating for me.

My head registers and my eyes see the time on the clock; my body resists a wee bit.  Yet, it easily becomes what is.  It's amazing how we can change the clock all in unison so easily and, yet, loving and allowing isn't as easy at times. 

I say take the ease of moving the clock forward/back one hour and learning from this uniform change and transferring this 'ease-ability' into our openness and understanding (or at least trying to) for each other and all our 'different' ways. 

I have this belief/saying in my own-ness (is this a word); go ahead and do whatever it is that makes U happy as long as I can still be me.  We have not walked in the path of anyone but ourselves.  Is it possible to know how another should feel/act/be if we have not lived the exact experiences of that same person.

Can we somehow use the reality of forwarding our clocks this past weekend; going around the house and changing each and everyone that does not turn automatically; remind us how individual togetherness (on the same page-so to speak-in some manner) is perhaps the key to accomplishing large, positive results in making our world go round-so to speak-and work smoothly and with ease. 

So to speak...

My wish for U is to be your individual self with the background thought of accepting what is, especially when U can't 'feel' it or 'know' it yourself.

Perhaps, as long we allow ourselves to be our true selves; we can allow others to be their true self through love.

Perhaps, BEING U is, in a very large part, the uniqueness that is the foundation of our togetherness, strength, and all that is. 

Is it possible that Being U is the answer to the big question of life.  What would life be like if we all believed that Being U through love and acceptance is what IS.  Showing the world who we really are; the fears and dreams that come from deep within; is the answer to the question what is life all about; what are we here on Earth for; what is our reason for being.  What if our reason for being was just to BE U.  What if everything else fell into place around this. 

I think this would be very cool, indeed.

We would still have moments of pain; have moments of pleasure and everything in between because this is what life is.  To allow the moments to just be what they are and not run from them/hide them/fight too hard to change them but live through them truthfully and fully and in unison, at times, as we choose the action/direction that feels best for us to walk the path of our own true self.

Own our true self.  What a concept.

Again, I'm not sure if this is brilliant recognition or babbling as I go off the deep end.  IT IS MY TRUTH that I am trying to own. 

ohhhhhh,  scary

If I had to pick brilliant or over the top, which would I pick.  Interesting question.  I'd like to defer the answer for now.  Ha. 

Interesting

I am finding that as I'm knowing the people that are reading my posts; I am more hesitant and judging a bit what I am saying. 

I don't want to hold back.  I don't want to alter my truth.  However, when I come from 'what is this person going to think' it does set me back a bit. 

I don't want this to happen.  I have to get out of my 'what ifs' and 'I hopes' and just continue on sharing me and my thinking.

Sharing what is real and true for me in each moment is my goal.

So, as I'm noticing that I'm thinking these what if so and so disagrees or I hope this person finds this helpful and/or interesting; I have to take a breath and leave those thoughts be and continue on.

Always continue on from my own heart, being, soul and knowledge.

May U know U through your own heart, being, soul and experiences.  

                                                                        Picture from Verizon Wireless

Long, long days

Saturday and Sunday is 6 am til 6 pm pretty much at the horse show.  It's great fun and I am tired.  The fresh air, the brilliant sunshine, the smell of horse manure.... Can't beat it!

Oh yes, maybe we can.  The Outhouse!  Ha.

I'm both physically and mentally tired and all is good.

May U know when to rest and when to push your body/mind/spirit.

Heavy Head

My mother used to say I wish I could just take my head off and put it over there for a bit.  I used to think she was a bit wacko for saying this. 

I get it now though. 

The thoughts in her head were so burdensome and bothersome; she just wanted to set them down for a bit.  Turn the thoughts off; let them go.

Hence, the power of now.  Eckert Tolle has a great book called just that.  Keeping our thoughts on what we are doing; what we are involved in now, this moment.  Trying not to let our thoughts be what we are going to be doing later; or what is happening with other people, but let our thoughts and mind be present in what we are actually involved in at the moment.  Being present can really be a present.  Ha.

How many of us drink water and don't even feel it in our mouths; going down our throats.  Our mind is elsewhere. 

I'd like to try to really know and participate wholly sitting here in the chair, legs crossed, one foot on the ground, on the edge of my seat, typing thoughts.  I'd like to turn off the thought that I have to 'wake up' in one hour and go outside in the 37 degrees and maybe be uncomfortable and getting to the horse show and bringing a dog in the car with me while my daughter warms up her horse and I watch the sun come up.  I'd like to do all that when I do it.  Not live it in my head now.  Right now I'd like to be here typing my thoughts and sitting in the chair, noticing how cold my bare feet are and get back to bed!  Being present where I'm at in this moment and fully participate may be much nicer then living things over and over in my mind.  Letting all the rest go til I get there.

So, as I head back to bed

May U participate fully in Ur moment to moment 'doing' today.  May, when U brush your teeth, know that U are brushing them and let all else go. 

May prove interesting. Ha.

Warmer in Valley Forge, PA than in Ocala, FL, USA

Presently, it is 41 deg F in my part of Pennsylvania then it is where I'm at in Ocala, FL.  41 deg. vs. 37.  Almost unheard of in the winter months. 

Everywhere, the weather is different than it has ever been to my knowledge.  Climate, Temperature, Natural Disasters, Vast change in temperature from one day to the next.  Is Someone trying to tell us something.

If I were to take a gander; I'd say 'Stop and Smell the Roses', so to speak.  I hear so many of us stating how tired, worn out, too much to do, constant running is something that is part of daily living.  Not too many of us are happy and content about it and too many of us are caught in the spiral of doing it anyway.

What has happened to sitting on the front porch and watching the grass grow; just being.  I know with me, I fight the feeling of being able to feel 'important' when I'm laying in bed.  I had put so much emphasis on 'living by doing things' that I almost forgot how to just live through sitting in a bed of flowers or on a log or laying with my feet raised. 

Again, balance comes to mind.  I have this thought that farmers would work real hard during daylight and then at dusk fortify themselves and rejuvenate by relaxing, playing a game (spending time in one room with family/friends), reading and resting/sleeping.   Is this balance?

Alot of us know about working real hard during the day and then real hard at night until we plop on the bed and either find ourselves tossing and turning from still being 'on' or passing out from exhaustion.  Do we act like this in hope to get ahead in the world.  What are we getting ahead of.  I'd like peace; contentment and joyfulness to be my hope to get out of each day AND to share peace, contentment and joyfulness.  I wonder if I can start to think/act with this goal in mind how my life would change.

It's the most interesting thing where my brain/fingers lead me in these posts.  I had no plan for this post just now and I'm wondering where these thoughts came from and even some of the words I've been using lately; I don't usually use them in person.  Interesting.

My wish for U today is to know peace, contentment and joy from the actions U live and the thoughts U have.

Waking up Worried

I'm waking up worried.  Actually, I went to bed worried that my post about Japan would be upsetting to any one person.  I can't imagine how raw the feelings must be of people that actually have relations and first hand knowledge of the damage/agony a disaster like this can feel like.

My intent was not to say anything to hurt anyone.  My intent was to not ignore the situation that did not affect me first hand.  I do feel the effect, however miniscule.

My apologies if there was even the slightest bit of upset surrounding my post regarding Japan and it's current disaster with the earthquake and tsunami.

I am greatly sorry and saddened by the news of this natural disaster.  I don't know, nor do I have the ability to even imagine the height of the impact.

My heart truly does go out to all involved.  To all the persons in pain in the world; I wish strength; insight; and peaceful moments until peace can seep through every cell of their being.

My wish is that whatever U need; U can know it.  A truer time to be truly U may not be more applicable or apparent when in need.

Life Goes On

No Matter what happens in life, life always goes on.  We always get another chance to do better; be better; know better.

With all the horrible disaster going on in our world, life will go on.  Some may not think they want it to and I hope and pray that we will see good come out of this somehow; somewhere; someday.  It may be way too early for this and I send out the thought and 'love energy' that people can find their way through from within themselves and may they know the support of our human race. 

I am sorry for all the pain/suffering/angst humans are feeling right now.  My heart goes out to all.

I can't begin to imagine the impact and I am truly sorry for the pain of the Japanese, et al. 

It's way interesting to me how I can be, in what feels like, another world.  Yet, in reality our worlds are the same.  In reality, I cannot feel or know the devastation like the people that are experiencing it.  I can share the hope and prayer of much better living and even the power of survival.

The world has gotten much smaller through internet; television; air travel.  Yet, what happens outside my small world is peculiar to me that I don't feel the impact that the people going through it do.  I'm grateful.  I guess it would just be way too much if we all felt each other's pains and struggles all at the same time.  How would survival be possible.

And, we ALL KNOW that survival is possible.  Growth is possible.  Making it through tragedy is possible.

May we all connect to the possibilities and all send out love and good intent for the people going through what I wish noone would have to go through.

Change in Weather

Ooops.  Another cold front in the weather.   I like the cold fronts down south much better.  It goes down to 60.  I always thought that was funny and wonderful.

Supposed to be frost here in Northern Florida.  However, only for two nights and then back to average temperatures.  I'm going to hold on and see where it takes me this time.

Today I rested and am so grateful I was able to.  It felt so nice.  I was so calm and didn't want to move when I woke up from my nap.  My body and mind loved it.

Looking forward to the busy weekend at the horse show. 

I hear it's snowing up in some parts of the Northeast United States right now.  Here, in the US, we change the clocks forward an hour.  Daylight Savings Time.  I wonder if the world does it or just the United States (I believe that California and Arizona do not participate; most countries do; but not all; China does not; and the Countries around the Equator do not - there they have 12 hours daylight and 12 hours of nighttime mostly.)  I love that it makes the night hours brighter and lighter longer.  It doesn't get dark at dinner time. 

I can't imagine living in Alaska or somewhere that it stays dark for weeks at a time; no sun.  I believe you have to be a very strong person to withstand that kind of weather.  I wonder if the people there are healthier and stronger because of nature.  I'd love to see the glaciers and the beauty of the lights, though.  It must be magnificent.

Nature is beautiful.  The ice storms, the ocean, the sun, the sky, the trees/plants/grass.  There is nothing like it.  God's art.  AND, we are part of it all.  How lucky we are to be reminded everyday of the beauty that surrounds us and it's always there and always free.  We just have to take time and look. 

My wish for you today is to take time and look at U in the mirror and state the beautiful things U see in the mirror.  Perhaps, tell yourself U love yourself.  Be kind to U as U are to others.

There is nothing like the nature of U.

Rainy Day

It's a rainy day here in the hunter/jumper world of horses.  The good news is it's not cold out.  The (perhaps) bad news is people and horses are going to get wet.

I'm going to try to NOT be one of them.  Ha.

Although when I was little, I'd put my bathing suit on and go out in the rain and have the best time; the thought of being wet from head to toe fully clothed among dirt and horse 'dirt' isn't too appealing to me now.

So, I may be in the car some of the day.  I may very well have a dog or two with me and all will be okay.

I wish safety and fun for all who have to or choose to partipate in the rain.  I wish an endless sunshine in their hearts.

Me, I'm a spectator who doesn't have to get wet, damp, cold or muddy.  I choose dry today.

My wish for U today is to choose sunshine in your heart and laughter in your soul.  Be U no matter what life sends your way.

Here Comes the Weekend

This is the 2nd from the last weekend at the horse show.  I have met some wonderful people who continue to teach me and even support me.  The horses are beautiful and the weather has been glorious.

The hustle and bustle of the show is energizing.  The outdoors (when it's quite perfect temperature) is invigorating and healing.  Mother Earth is very prevalent.  I have felt like I've been camping and my body sure responds to the weather. 

The dry earth, when a horse goes over and across it, is dustlike and almost shakes from the horse's hoofs uniformly striking it.  To me, there is much beauty in this.  By the end of the day I'm covered in dust and dirt and a renewed sense of power and love is plentiful.  The way these people love and connect with their horses and take such pride in their beauty and strength is truly a sight to behold. 

When man and animal connect and work together, it's amazing what sense of harmony I feel.  If more of us can work together like this, would the world would be more harmonic.  It would be a really neat thing to know. 

I do not believe that the majority of us enjoy dis-harmony in the human race.  I know I do not.  

May your weekend be filled with harmony (within U and surrounding U).

Harmony - (dictionary.com)

1.

agreement; accord; harmonious relations.

2.

a consistent, orderly, or pleasing arrangement of parts; congruity.

 

Harmonic - (dictionary.com)

3.

Physics . of, pertaining to, or noting a series of oscillations in which each oscillation has a frequency that is an integral multiple of the same basic frequency.

 

 

I do have a sense that when the frequency anywhere in this universe is 'rippled' or 'wonked', this ripple is sent around the world in some way. 

 

I say let's put our own ripple of harmony out there and send this energy to each other and out into our universe. 

 

My head is now singing the words in the "Coke" song --  I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony....  

 

For what it's worth - this is my wish for the weekend, et al.  Ha.  (I never know where I'm going to end up on these posts.)

 

Bring it!