Be U: Countdown

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Countdown

I am counting down the days to head home to Pennsylvania, United States. Guess it is about 850 miles or so north of here in FL. I know West Palm, Florida is about 1200 miles, so I am 'guesstimating'.

I look forward to my animals. I miss them and I know it couldn't have been smooth sailing for them. Their schedule had to be different some and they were so used to having me around alot. Everyone says they are fine and cute and loving. I've learned, being away and with all these dogs here, that I want to enjoy just sitting with them and petting them and letting them know how much I love them. I played with my dogs daily, but to just allow them to sit on my lap and be near me is what I'm hoping to enjoy a bit more. With the free time hanging at the barn or the show (and nothing else for me to do), I found myself with a dog or two frequently. I want to give that me time to my dogs and cats.

I miss the comfort of my home; my bed; my stuff around me that I enjoy looking at and 'feeling'. The feeling of being around my 'stuff' that excites me or calms me. The sound of the running fountains in the house I miss too.

I have been exercising daily here. I am hoping that I feel so much more me now that I will continue to do so at home. The free time for me that was 'forced' on me here; while my daughter was doing school or riding; and without a home to take care of; I did a minimum of 1.5 hours a day moving and stretching and free weights. It's amazing what that does for one's body, spirt, mind and heart! Amazing.

I'm just 'silly' or 'ridiculous' or even 'stupid' that I thought I was taking time away from my dogs if I gave time for me to exercise. Most of my downstairs has rooms and weight equipment for just this purpose. I hope I use them and know that I'll be a better me if I take the time for me instead of worrying about the dogs and/or doing something for the house or others instead. I've got to live in my home instead of just reside.

I have helpers and workers there (it seems most of the time) and I have a thing that while they are working I must be involved also. Is this true. NO. I want to feel like I can be and do my own thing while they are doing theirs. I can be there for them to answer questions, offer support and even help when I'm not involved in my own 'stuff'. I seem to have gotten in a habit of being there more for them than for myself. I am feeling like they are there for me and my needs; I need to reciprocate. Perhaps I can now know better, at least, that I reciprocate by paying them. Ha.

I ( 'being me') get lost in my house. I don't always let it feel like my home because of this. Interesting. Sad And Interesting. Getting really real here - I never dreamed of having a big home with helpers. I'm not very comfortable with it. I want to be comfortable with it and enjoy it and ... is it a 'worthy' feeling I have.... is it something about not feeling like it's my home with other people in it regularly doing the work and knowing more about where light bulbs and hammers are than I do....is it about 'control'.....is it about privacy. There is something here that needs exploration because I'm not quite the me that exudes happy when I'm home. I'm not being real and I'm not sure why I'm not or if I even know how to be.

There is good and bad in everything. I have a beautiful, big home. It takes alot of work and energy. I'm a bit dizzy. Oh, what instant realization and letting out truth from within can do to me. Do I feel guilt associated with this. Am I burying my pride, joy and hard work and good fortune. Why do I get a big, beautiful home and others live on the streets or in homes with one bathroom and 7 children.

I remember saying to one friend how I felt sorry for the homeless; how I don't like seeing it. She said they want to be there; they could get a job anywhere at all to not be on the street. Is this true or is it her way of dealing (not dealing) with the homeless. Maybe both. I have given them money and food. Am I being foolish or loving. Could the answer to this maybe be both also. Mmmmm (never thought I'd end up on this subject at 2:30 a.m.)

Anyway, it's time for me to 'think' and 'do' differently on some things when I get home. I hope I can find the 'thinking' and the 'doing' easier than I have in the past. Time will tell. Be true to me and my life will be mine. Others will be freer to be themselves. I want and need U to be U; so to speak. Me to be me. Us to be Us.

One step/moment/breath at a time. So, for now, today - I'll wake up at 5:45 and take my daughter to the show so she can ride/warm up one of her horses and then bring her back to hotel for 9 am school and I'll be out of the hotel room either exercising, sitting at the pool, doing errands, meeting and talking with a stranger and then at 3, she'll be at the barn riding horses again. I'll be reading, playing with the dogs or doing errands. Tough life, hey. I certainly can make it that way if I get lost in it. When I stay present, honest and share me in this honestness, my life seems to work out just fine.

It's when I don't own what I'm feeling; this is when things go off or awry.

related words for awry -- (dictionary.com) askew, cockeyed, lopsided, skew-whiff, wonky

I'm not fond of my life so much when it is wonky. Ha.

May U know your truth and live/share/breathe it and may U stay away from wonky.

We all have good in our life and we all have the not so good. Is it what we do and think about it all that creates our tomorrows.

May U know your truth and live/share/breathe it and create wonderful tomorrows.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!