Be U: CrossRoads

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, March 28, 2011

CrossRoads

I'm feeling like I may be at a crossroad. I'm not sure when I sit down to type what I feel or what I'm going to say.

I never really had a plan to what I was going to say, but I certainly knew what I was feeling. It's a bit different for me now.

I feel like I don't have much to say. I feel like I'm not connected to my feelings or thoughts. I sort of feel dead inside.

Is this from not having a life outside of my family. Is this from the hormone protocol change. Is this that I'm sitting just where I am (just being) and not wanting or feeling the need to look for me; to look for answers.

My guess is that it is from all of the above and more. I'm feeling like I need some alone time here at my home. Time where the doorbell doesn't ring daily. Time where contractors are not knocking or needed almost daily. Time where I don't have to work my life around the hours of people that are helping me. Time where I know there will not be any disruptions (or hardly any) to what I am doing and I can stay focused on where I'm heading and what I'm doing.

I get too easily pulled into others' thoughts, ideas, plans and present needs. I put mine on the back burner. I am (I think) perfectly fine to do this some of the time. However, BALANCE is much needed here as well as in my life. I find myself not getting involved in too many things that I want to accomplish because it feels easier this way when I am needed elsewhere by others.

It's great having help when I need it. It's great that others want my opinion and knowledge and help. I want to feel less 'pulled' in directions of NOT my choosing. I want to choose the direction of my own life. (What came up for me to type is 'is this possible') I believe this is not only possible, but the way that life works best. When we operate from within through love, compassion, empathy AND ONLY from within first and foremost, does life work best for us and others.

Not an easy feat for me. I know what is going on within myself. It's just being brave enough to take this 'within' knowledge and work it out and about my person. Ask myself what is it that brings me most peace and try to share that and follow this road.

This is where I am at today. This is something very important for me to learn and to do. To not 'turn off' what comes up for me deep inside; to not ignore it. Only to live it. Just live what is deep inside of me no matter what. Live my truth. (scary)

Right now, my mind is having a hard time to know if I do this or not. I must live it some of the time, yes? I know I don't live it all the time. It feels too hard for me. My brain tells me that this should be the easiest thing to do. However, as a child, I turned 'me' off so I wouldn't rock anyones' boat. I kept peace (or at least more peace) in my household just being quiet. (or so I thought)

I grew up just going with the flow of my situation. Just fitting in and doing what needed to be done. This was good on many levels. The ease, trust and love that I offered up outside of myself was fun and I did so many things and learned a lot being and living this way; through others.

I am at the time in my life where I want to share me. I want to know me. I want to live, breathe and do me. I still want to create ease, trust and love all around me. I just also want to honor what is screaming inside of me to come out. My truth of what feels true to me on all subjects. Let it be okay if someone is uncomfortable or show signs of anger when they are around me. I don't need to own someone else's discomfort. It is not my job to change that or even question that for them. I can sit with the person and let them share their discomfort. I do not need to own their discomfort. I'm sure I have enough of my own.

What a revelation. The question is can I truly live this way. Step by baby step. Be brave enough to say what I feel in the moment. Do I say it to hurt someone? Definitely not. Do I say it because I feel it? Yes, especially when it comes from a place of love, caring and my truth. How true is it that I will know how others will act/react.

My goal is to not change the world around me (well, I guess that's not exactly true). My goal is to change some parts of myself so I can live and stand in my own beautiful light. The light I was born with. The light that came with me for me to be me.

How is your Be U light. The light that U were born with; the light and truth that makes/allows U to Be U. Is it at the brightness U want it to be today. Is there something U are feeling/needing/wanting to do to use the light that U were born with. Go For It.

May we all shine our light just a little bit brighter today. Let's light up the world together.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!