Back

Okay.  Alright.  Everything is okay.

I am back to my usual/regular dosage of pain relief.  My goal is to find homeostasis in my body and mind.  To feel even and taken care of; relaxed; balanced.

Then, once I am at this stage/state, I can wean down to the minimal amount of pain relief drug that is possible for me.  My hope is that it is time to be off of this crutch/dependency of drugs.  I am open to find my truth and be okay with it once and for all.

I am strong enough, mentally and spiritually, to take this road and know my truth in it.  I am counting on me.

My inside still shake from not having the Xanax in me; that my body got so used to having.  I am still taking 1/4 pill to just relinquish my greatest of discomfort in weaning off of a 'controlled substance'.  Drugs can control one's life.  Whether, we label it dependent or addicted, it certainly can be controlling. 

I do not want a pill to control me; my life, my day, my way.  I want my soul to control me; this body, this mind, this presence (present) that is me...!  Yay, I am a present to myself.   The presence of this truth took me decades to connect to. 

It is my path.  It is, perhaps, what I signed up for.  It is my life.  I choose to accept it and live it out.  I will own this body - hands and all - as my own.  I write this and say this out loud and I stand in a strong truth about same.

I take ownership of everything I am, was and will be.  It is my road and I am this powerful.

May you take ownership of everything that you are, were and will be.  It is your road and you are this powerful.

Do not give your power of your inner knowing away.  Own it, live it, be it, breathe it...

As you are ready... it will happen.   If it is meant to be, nothing will or can stop it.  Everything happens in alignment with the universe and the road(s) you are made to travel.

Happy travels through it all...   Honest emotions, feelings and 'knowingness' are what will fulfill you most, perhaps.

I wish you fulfillment. 

As you live through what you feel, know and are out loud, self-fulfillment is inevitable. 

Swoosh. Oh Man. Take Away.

I am still in the midst of my drug dilemma and it feels very strong, real, challenging, confusing and it amazes me how no one will come out and truly clarify what is going on... Maybe none of us really know....

Last week, another prescription was returned to me unfilled.  This same script I took to the doctor yesterday and returned it to them.  They gave me a new one; one that, this time, feels very right to me.  It is the drug and dose I know and am somewhat comfortable with.

I did not take it to the pharmacy in fear of it being denied.  I sat on the couch three hours, frozen, this morning wondering what to do.

The doctor's office yesterday told me it 'shouldn't be a problem' to get it filled.  [famous last words]

So after three hours in frozen fear, I called the pharmacy that declined my last prescription.   I told her I was afraid and to please help guide me on how to maneuver and work with this system that feels like it is not meant for me and my needs.  I didn't say that.  I did say whatever guidance/help she can give me to understand and get this prescription filled, I would greatly appreciate it.  I did say I was afraid to bring it in.

As I was having this conversation, my head feels like a vice is on it; my feet and hands are so purple and I am way out of my comfort zone.  I really don't know what comfort feels like these days. 

She wouldn't really give me any answers other than she can't look in the system and that it is best to just bring it in and try...  Oh my my my my my....

After I hung up, I felt a swoosh of energy flow through me and almost got a strong headache but it kept flowing through and my fingers and feet are okay again.  I even feel my face more and I can feel these keyboard keys better as well.  My finger pads are more 'alive'. 

This is my 'stuff' that I need to walk through; apparently.  And, by bringing my true self to this situation (even though it felt like I may die (over dramatization kinda sorta), it gave me a sense of freedom afterwards.  I find it quite the hoot how no one else cares, feels, or can create this same scenario within themselves.  They cannot feel or derive this from the same circumstance.  I have 'way a lot' of energy around it.  It is not so for anyone I reach out to or share same with.  They cannot feel what I feel.   They cannot tell me how or help me through. 

However, almost everyone does relate to something in their life this way...  just maybe.  Many of us sweep it under the rug; allow it to be the elephant in the room; bury it deep inside; do something else to keep our minds off and away from it. 

My take home lesson is to bring my truth to it even if my voice shakes.  Even if my body turns purple.  Even if it feels like I won't make it through -- Bring my true self to it. 

I surely hope it gets easier and easier. 

Life is not a one road trip.  Life has many facets to it and by bringing our truth to all of them is becoming the only way I know how to travel.

Travel well my friends.  Travel in your purest form. 

May you bring your true self to each situation.  As you come from your loving truth (outside of anger, resentment, pain and worry), you come into and touch the best route possible for your earthly travels.  Just maybe.

Travel well my friends.

                                               Photos of Rose (Facebook)

Punked

I have to be being punked.   This cannot be normal, every day life...   or, is this exactly what it is...

I have been having the feeling of being punked.  I go to a pain management center (per rheumatologist) and they try new drugs with me and the drugs do not agree with me and I return these said drugs to the doctor's office for destruction (as required), and the pharmacy only sees logged that I received them but no returned information shows.   It is a very, very, very controlled environment (in Florida where I live now) when it comes to pain medicine.  Nothing is wrong with this except when it doesn't treat the patient as 'the system' is so highly concerned about control and does not have it completely and accurately down yet.  Control as in: each individual pill count and accounted for; each script must be filled the exact date and end an exact date;  I must bring the pills with me each monthly appointment; I must sign a form each month stating that I am authentic and honest with what is being offered to me and that I am not sharing or selling any drugs; urine samples are taken; appointment times not flexible.  Doctor says he has my back and I don't feel this to be so... (This is my experience.)   I do understand how this will help change the overuse of controlled drugs.  I don't understand that they are not looking at the individual person and their truth (me).

I take this same doctor's new prescription to the pharmacy, they tell me to come pick the script up that they will not fill it.  This time (it has happened before) I am told that there are too many red flags - hence the drugs I am not taking as they made me unwell and the prescriptions filled at different pharmacies because a certain pharmacy did not have the medicine available previously and the different new drugs filled that the doctor suggest I try. 

I am doing everything by the book and I am suffering.   I am out of some of my medicine that works the best for me because of all these new policies. 

My mind is flustered and is having a hard time wrapping around this scenario.  I'm so challenged and confused (as, yes, I may be taking this too personally as someone suggested to me - ouch) that I cannot speak or type clear enough in a relaxed manner.   I feel this reads more sporadic and unclear. (I am sorry)

I am flustered to walk through this.  And, walk through this I shall.  It is the only way through that I see.
------

Just what if I am getting a 'download' [that many are talking about] from the universe just now.   I am becoming what I will be and letting go of the old, used 'information' that is no longer relevant...

What if I just sit with what is - all my confusion, disparity, troubles and woe - and let it flow through me and just maybe there is nothing more I need to do than this...  This would be healing, lovely and easy if I allow it to be so. 

No resistance - only allowance...

It feels much more loving and supportive than fighting what is.

So, for at least today, I choose to flow with what is; have an open heart; open mind and breathe.  This I can do easily. 

As I write this, I have been here before; having to tell myself to flow with it.  How I forget and it takes situations like this to remind me.

Noted:  I am reminded to flow.

I flow.

May you allow 'flow of what is' in your life today.  Bring your true self to it and flow on, outward and forward from the depth of how you are experiencing life and feel on.  Be true to you.  Be true to your feelings.  Be kind and non-judgmental as best you can.

This is the time for You to be everything that you are... (yikes - overwhelming at times, I know)

Process You on!

Whoop  (lol)

It may not always be easy.  My hope is that it is never impossible.  Whew.

                                                      Unknown

Mind in Disrepair

After traveling through this last year or more with new doctors, new home, new location, new drugs - I am 'wowzed' by the discomfort in my being. 

I can no longer embrace what was and can only choose to embrace what is.  As I delete old telephone numbers and email addresses [that are part of my heart] from my phone; as I let go in my mind of the ease and the turbulence of what was, I open myself up to what is and what will be coming.

I want to admit that this is a very uncomfortable place to be.  It can also feel very exciting.  I waver back and forth between these things, along with many other feelings and thoughts.

I find myself, again, just sitting with what is and knowing that I am okay even when I don't feel so.

My head spins trying to find a safe place to focus.  My body aches trying to find homeostasis in chaos, confusion and newness.  My heart beats, sometimes, erratically as it settles into this safe place that my mind, body and soul congregate in as often as possible.

We are all.  We are everything.  We are connected to the unlimited.

This is good news.  This can be difficult truth. 

As I breathe into myself, I trust myself.  Even as I feel like a tumbling, eruptive wave, I trust that everything I need, I already have.  I breathe.

I go to rest my mind and to be...

May you rest your mind once in a while.  May you be.

Discomfort

I sit in discomfort this moment.  I'm finding myself uncomfortable to come here.  I feel agitated and in disarray. I feel spastic in thought and uncertain in what I will choose to share.

It is okay to feel this way even as it is not my favorite way to feel.  Perhaps, this discomfort propels me in a new direction or embarks me towards a new way.

I am learning that everything we feel is okay.  Some feelings are much more attractive and feel-good than others.  This is the way it is supposed to be.

As the pharmacy says it is too early to fill the prescription that is controlled by the doctor, I find myself baffled that this is so. 

I am learning that I no longer like to be 'controlled' by doctors and especially the drugs that they prescribe me.  I know that I have great fear of unbearable pain and I want to believe that I will know what to do IF that happens and that right now in this minute I can continue to wean from the second drug.  This one I am not going as fast.  It is perhaps, though, because I was so focused on the first drug.  Now, I can focus on this second drug and I can only see where I end up. 

I have not taken the first drug since yesterday morning.  It is 5 p.m. the next day.  I do not see myself taking it any time soon.  I'm on it!  Perhaps, it is better said I am off of it...  !

I find myself with better clarity.  I'm okay.  I am strong enough and have done my work that it is my hope and truth that I am able to walk without it now.  I am happy about this.  There are better, more healthier things to depend on.  (It is okay wherever you are.  Whatever brings you to your best functioning self; this is what my hope is for you.)

I don't know what I will do when it comes time for the dentist as this is the drug I took to get me through my challenging and exhausting dentist visits because of my small mouth.  I hear myself saying to not concern myself about that.  That when the time comes, I will be okay and I will know what to do.  It is working in this moment as I process through this 'self-talk'. 

I am agitated because of what I am walking through just now.   It is okay to be agitated.  It works best when I deal with this agitation in the most loving and easy way that I know how.  To put this agitation somewhere it does not belong or on someone that it doesn't belong to would be where I could see myself as wanting to do better.  But, as I allow agitation and [lovingly as possible] own it, I can walk through it and grow from it.

Without the awareness of agitation and discomfort, I would most likely stay stuck or here where I am at.  Stuck is no longer an option for me.  I will feel it, walk through it, let it go and grow from it.

May you be aware of all of your feelings.  May you feel them, walk through them (with as much love and ease as possible), let them go and grow from them. 

It just may be the best way to 'ride' this human life as we are all experiencing it today.

Ride the truth of you to a deeper level of understanding and trust of yourself [your feelings].

                                                       Unknown

Waiting

I am here waiting on a delivery of a new range; stovetop and oven.  It is 23 minutes past the said arrival time and I do not know when they will show. 

We did call them and they said another hour and a half.  What?!?!?!   oh my!   (deep sigh)

Life is a lot about waiting.  Like the one Dr. Seuss' book, "Oh, The Places You'll Go"

"Waiting for the train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow.  Everyone is just waiting."

That certainly was my very favorite book that I first bought when I found out I was pregnant almost 22 years ago.  I read it to my 'belly' and thereafter.  I gave my beautiful, fabulous daughter a limited special edition of it for her high school graduation.  This book really excites me!  lol   I'm not really sure how she feels about it!?!

So, I wait. 

I have learned waiting can be a beautiful thing.  As I choose to use the time doing something I wouldn't normally do, the time can be used very effectively and efficiently.

I am typing this blog that I would not have done.  I can choose to just bring awareness within myself and to my breath.  I can take a scan of my body and see where things stand.  I can pay attention to my thoughts and see where things stand (hoot).  I can stretch.  I can listen to music. I can reach out to a loved one.  I can get something done that was on my 'dread to do' list.  No, I don't really have one of them but it sounds like a good idea just now.

Or, I can choose to get angry, disappointed, frustrated and worked up. 

We always have a choice on how we respond to any given situation.

May you choose your best and most self-loving choice as often as possible when you find yourself waiting....  And, you will find yourself waiting!

Homeostasis

Homeostasis.  This might be one of my favorite words when it comes to our body and mind.  Gastrocnemeus is probably another favorite (for the body)! 

I am completely not in homeostasis with the loss of one drug and the addition of a new one.

Homeostasis is about being in balance throughout one's self; stable; together.  It is about being comfortable within one's self and I'd go as far to say within one's surroundings.

I am just about off of the one controlled substance.  I am still on the pain medicine and I have recently been given a 24 hour pill. 

So, as I take the 24 hour pill and it doesn't allow me comfort, I struggle with individual 4-6 hour pills and when to take them and how much as I have this thing about not taking more than I need.  It is very strong within myself just now.  I'd like to be off of them to see where, who and what I am without them.  All I can do is try my very best and see if this is the time.  It just may be.  And, I'm uncomfortable to commit to same.  Yikes!  I guess it is the fear of having pain.

To find the balance between comfort level with the drug and discomfort with the amount of milligrams my body is used to is anything but homeostasis. 

And, I walk on.

May you achieve homeostasis; as often and as much of it as you can in your daily life.  Find your balance, your comfort and your contentment [and your awareness of same] and you will achieve it. 

Note:  Gastrocnemeus is the calf part of our legs (for those of you wondering)!

Doctor Doctor

I have a rheumatologist that wants to give me less pain pills than I need and I have a pain management team that wants to give me more pain meds than I need.

What is a woman to do...

I stay stuck in a limbo that is not at all desirable.  I find myself in fear of what will be.  I fiind myself telling myself that the universe wants me off.  I am ready.   I hear myself telling myself I want to try to see who I am without them. 

And, it is fear-inducing for me.  Not to try to get to the lowest dose possible; but, to push doctors prescriptions away in fear of not getting them back.  Although, in truth, it surely doesn't feel like I can get someone to get completely on my side and support me through my truth.

There are new 'sheriffs' in town where the drug industry is.  This is very good as it is my hope that it will help many get healthier and know who they are without drugs and/or drug popping/hopping.  So much what I see, read and am connected to tells me about making sure how many pills I have in my bottle so no one is taking any.  To not be crushing, melting or breaking a drug down in order to get it in my system more.  Discarding the unused drugs in a manner that is legal and makes it harder to access and sell on the road. 

There is a huge shift in the drug world.  I think it is very positive.  But, for me; today, it is messing with my mind, body and feels like my soul even.

I trust that God has me and I am being carried even when I can't feel it to be so.

May you trust your higher self and/or Entity that encompasses everything that is to carry you even when it doesn't feel like it is so. (I am saying this instead of 'God' because I saw something on Facebook that a person felt like they were being told what to believe.  It is so not what I am about.  I'd like to support you to finding and living everything that is for you [to find and live] in your most compassionate and loving way.)

Believe.  Believe in the process of life; yourself and your circumstances that they are all present [as is] to grow you into your best self possible. 

Huge changes on tap for all of us.  May you be ready and open to live your truest and most joyous of self from this place that is your experience now.

May we all 'grow ourselves complete' so that we may live our best of selves for the rest of our days here on Earth.  Let's Rock N Roll!  Hoot.

 

Breathe. Just Breathe.

As I start the day, my head is numb.  My face and fingers tingle down to my toes.  There is a peace within underneath the disaccord of my own body and mind. 

I see the outside fountain bubbling away; the water streaming down the soft edged stones.  The sky is blue and the sun in shining.  I hear the fountain next to me singing its sweet and caressing melody. 

I know not what the day will bring.  I know it will be exactly what it is supposed to.  I know I will bring my truth to the experiences.  I grow.

I breathe.  I am.

I am whole.   I am love.   I am open.

I am living the experience that, perhaps, I signed up to live.  This is it.  How I live it is up to me. 

I have lived happy.  I have lived anger-free.  I have rarely lived my teenage and/or adult life pain free.  Hmm.  Interesting...

I ask for gentleness.   I ask for kindness.  I ask for my own learning to be gentle and kind.  I ask for my growth to come from easy strength.

None of us know for sure how tomorrow (or even today) will play out.  It will move on regardless.

I choose to move on through it with love of myself and others and trust in the process of life.

I feel afraid.  I feel hesitant.  It is okay.  I tell myself I am supposed to feel this way or else I would not.

I allow myself to feel it.   I stand in its truth.  I walk with it.

I am open to the fear and hesitation to dissipate.

I know this is my life journey and I am the only one that experiences and lives it. 

May you know that this is your life journey and you are the only one that experiences and lives it.  May you experience and live it from the truth internal to the external world.  May you choose what feels most loving, fulfilling and excitedly peaceful within.

And so it is...  Choose your day from the beauty that is within you.  Shine on.

Believe

My life is feeling a bit 'heavy' just now.  My body does not know or understand how to be in homeostasis as I take one drug off my daily prescription and add another one on. 

Working with new doctors and new drugs is a very interesting thing to me.

I surely did not foresee this.

And, I know I am being taken care of and the universe is leading me.  I am living in harmony with where I am traveling to. 

I do not feel harmonious just now.   I believe harmony is coming back into my life because of this disharmony.  It won't be what it was.  It will be great.

I truly believe that this is great for my being; my evolution.  And, it doesn't feel great in my body or mind.  I know I am evolving into what I'm supposed to become now.

Life is a series of challenges and triumphs.  We are supposed to have both.  Perhaps, things we do not know or understand are things we are not supposed to know or understand.

May you have trust that where you are is where you are supposed to be.  May you bring your true self into your breath.  May you evolve into everything awesome that you are.

Addiction vs. Dependence

I am learning/exploring the difference (for me) between addiction and being an addict and dependence and being dependent.  

As I wean off of a 'controlled substance', I am aware of my body needing the drug.  My brain stopped producing what the drug created in my body and, most likely, even added to/changed my blood chemistry.

I realize that an addict wants to take the drug so they don't feel anything; nothing.  They want to keep taking more and more as to hide within; retreat from life.  They often get to the point where they will do anything for the drug and it becomes their only focus.

I realize that a drug dependent person wants the drug to stop pain.  They stop taking the drug once the pain subsides.  They want to stay involved.  There is a very fine line, at times, on physical vs. emotional pain and which comes first as they so often intertwine.  I do not want to keep taking it so I don't feel anything.  I only want to quiet the pain.  The dependent person does not need to deceive themselves and others; however, pushed to the point of no intake of the drug and the body craving the drug, one may find themselves tortured to get the drug in their system.  I have been here.  I was never pushed to the point of lying and cheating (thanks to my doctor of 30 years); however, I'm sure anyone dependent could be. 

The drugs are that powerful to the human body and mind. 

An addict knows great torture.  Moreso than the dependent.  They are never at a knowing of real peace.  Sometimes, the drug is all that is left in their life. 

A dependent knows fear and torture too.  However, they know peace in the quiet of the pain and yet there is awareness that stays present.  I do believe that this awareness has to be diminished somewhat on a body dependent drug...

I do not think my body knows the difference between being an addict and being dependent.

I believe our brains may. 

Our brains are not living for the next fix.  Our brains just want to stop the pain and/or be able to function.  Our brains do not look to get as high as possible and mentally crave the drug.  A dependent person does not have as strong of a mental connection to the drug as the addicted person usually has a drug of choice.  However, I also have a drug of choice.  Hmm.  I chose it after trying several over the years.  I chose it because it doesn't upset my stomach or make me too loopy and/or uncomfortable. 

The body knows no difference.

The brain of an addict wants to bury everything that they feel.  They want to get as 'high' as possible.  As soon as they are returning to feeling again, the thought of the next 'fix' starts building.  They often add another drug with the drug of choice. 

The brain of the dependent sits with the pain not being there and functions better with the pain not requesting attention .  They usually just take the one path of pain relief and this is enough for them.

So, there are so many similiarities.   There are the same cravings.  There is the same need to wean. 

The person addicted may be so sensitive to life, that they have not learned how to feel and/or to be true to what they are feeling. 

The person dependent may also be sensitive and may not be completely open to feeling it all.  They surely do not want to feel the pain.

So many similarities.  Some differences.   And, yet, there is a difference. 

The only difference that is completely palpable is that the full blown addict is completely consumed.  

We can both get to the point where we no longer function with or without the drug. 

 This is exactly were I am.  As I am stopping a drug, I am not functioning in the way I see/know myself to function. 

I am stuck feeling not great and feeling horrible.  I no longer know what is the drug(s); what is the dis-ease; what is me weaning...  I cannot tell which part of what I am doing; what I experience; what I feel is presenting the problem or the solution.

Sure, the ulcer on the finger is the disease (or is it).  But, the discomfort, the inability to focus, the demand on my body that I'd rather not have or experience -- what is creating this. 

Noone that I have connected with is able to tell me or help me with this deciphering. 

It is time for our world to do better and stand together in creating our own best selves from our own inner truth and knowing.

There is no place left to hide.  There is no other option on the table than this if we want to thrive as a whole universal system.

I'd sure like to be a part of a whole universal system thriving.  It starts from within.

So, perhaps, the similarities and differences do not matter as much as bringing our best self to the whole.

And, 'carry forward'.

May you carry your truest of self forward into the wholeness of our universe.  All you need to do is live what is inside of you to live and share it with one another...  Scary and, yet, everything we have/need/truly want is already ours - we only need to stand in the truth of and connect to our whole selves out loud.

Baby steps allowed.

Perhaps, many of us are balancing between our magical self and our pretend, stuck or old version of self.  May you always be open to your own 'magic'... Let it carry you forward. 

                                                           Pictures Unknown

This subject is very close to my heart.  I have been living with and concerned with it for a long, long time.  Only now, am I starting to be able to decipher some of what I relate and connect to as my truth. 

The Colors of Joy

I posted this beautiful picture (unknown source) on Facebook and it just blew up with shares and likes as I have never experienced before. 

So, I come here to you, and happily, joyfully, share it with you.

My hope is that it connects you to your own inner joy.

Which color(s) call(s) to you... 

Perhaps, it is a good day to wear or grab something in this/these color(s) and let the color embrace and run through your being.  Let it enter you organs, your cells, your brain.  Let it softly wrap around your whole being and extend far into the unknown and everything that is.

Let it be joyful, soothing, and embracing.

Let it fill you up with light.  Let there be no place for darkness just now.  Feel the divine and love within you.  It is yours.  Only you can feel this; be this and know this.

You are this powerful.

Let your loving mind create a barrier (from anything other than love) that withstands anything and everything that comes your way; if only for today. 

May you live in your 'colorful' truth and own what is yours to own and let go of what is not.

If you can imagine it, you can create it.

Imagine joy, beauty, love and whatever it is you want/need in this moment.  Imagine it as yours. 

Follow this path [that is you] out into your world.

May you color your life and feel the beautiful vibration of you.

                                                               Picture Unknown

Here

I come here not knowing what I will be typing (sharing).  I come here early morning (for me) and I am not sure I know how I feel.  I don't feel ugly.  I don't feel great.  I am just 'being'.  It is peaceful.  It is somewhat strange and I know that I am okay right here; right now; in this moment.

I wait for the cleaning people to come to help me to clean.  It is so nice when they are done and the house feels so nice and clean.  They are 1/2 hour late as I pulled myself out of bed to be ready for them...  That is no 'fun' when this happens...  And, I am so grateful to have their helping hands. 

Yesterday was another day of waiting on a prescription and this time it was filled, but it was not paid for by insurance.  I did need to take it to a second pharmacy as the first pharmacy would have taken a week to fill the order.  They were helpful in telling me where to go... Ha!

It has been quite the learning experience to let go of how it used to be and go with how it is...  The more I fought it, the harder it was.   The more I embrace it and go with the flow, the simpler it becomes.  Man, I so wanted to fight it!?!?

I will try the extended release medicine and I hope it keeps me level with little pain.

I continue to wean and if I can make it work - I will only be on this one pill for pain.  That would be pretty cool I believe.

It is fall down here in Florida, USA although it really just means a break in the constant hot and humid weather 24 hours a day.  I do enjoy the Fall up north as the leaves turn into bright, beautiful, vibrant colors -- and against the blue sky it is gorgeous.  Perhaps, it is Autumn's way of showing us how beautiful it can be to let things go; change things up; and allow the cycle of life to, well, 'cycle'. 

I noticed that it is getting darker earlier in the night.  The days are shorter.  The nights are getting longer.  

Hibernation is more prevalent up north as it gets very cold, windy, snowy and sometimes brutal to be outside. Here, it gets so beautiful, all I want to do is be outside.

I still say I belong here in Florida.  I know it.  It took me a long time to get here.  It is not how I imagined it would be from age 17 on and, I still believe in miracles and life being a good time.  I am in search of it.  And, I know, I only need to allow it... 

May you allow your life to be filled with good times with a balance that keeps you thriving and keeps you your happiest.

When we are happy, it is much easier to share happy than when we are down and/or unhappy.

May you do one thing different today to get your happy on!  My wish.

Burnt or 'Learnt'

I have learned in these past several years, changing locations, doctors, housing, family dynamic, animals, and everything that comes with it - I have learned to trust myself and to trust my own journey.

I have felt burnt.  And, I know that it can be more about learning to be most true to myself and everyone I encounter (and have relations with) that enables life to be more open, easy, loving and awesome.

I have not liked some of the 'cards' I have been dealt.  And, I know each of these 'cards' has brought me home to me. 

So, while not always easy and sometimes feeling downright impossible - I have learned that I am possible.  I continue to evolve.  I survive everything; (until I don't) all my life changes with all the big, huge situations that come my way.

I realize that many situations come my way unexpected and, surely, what feels like uninvited.

And, I realize that each and everyone of these situations add on to the depth of who I am.  Whether I deem it happy or horrible - I still get deeper into me; knowing who I am and what I am made of.

THIS is the life experience.  THIS is our human experience.  THIS is you receiving information to evolve deeper into you.

Just maybe...

May you embrace each situation as such.  Connect with how you feel, what you think, what you tell yourself and which response feels best on and in you.  Which response gives you the peace, happy, calm, exciting, fabulous, etc. life that fulfills you...

Whether you feel burnt or enthused, learning is always an option. 

May you learn who you are and be the best option of you.  Namaste'

Comfort

'Positive Thinking is not only about knowing everything works out as is best.  It is also knowing that everything that happens is for the best.'  The total picture of our lives unfold just the way it is supposed to.  Just maybe; the very way we signed up for it ahead of time...

I am learning, this week, very deeply that as I bring my calm truth to the situation at hand instead of wanting the situation to be different, I find more comfort and peace within.

I like comfort and peace within.

May you allow comfort and peace within...

Bring your true self to everything as it is instead of wanting to change things that are not in our control to change. 

By bringing your truth to what shows up in your life - each situation - we grow it as truth within us.  We grow from the situation towards peace and comfort.  I so like the sound of this...

Comfort and peace on...

You do have this amazing, undying power within you...

Emergency...

I have taken two of the new pain management pills.  I do not like how I feel.  I am more numb than I need to be and my heart and breathing are affected.  My eyes are a bit messed up as well.   I can see clearly, but it doesn't feel like reality that I am seeing...   Like a lens or fog is covering what my brain is registering.

I called the pain management people that prescribed this and they immediately told me to go to the emergency room at the hospital.  I know this is not what I need.   I need to not take this pill.  It is too strong and my body doesn't like it.

So, I wait it out.  Yes, it can be scary.  I have been through this before and I know I am not having a heart attack or stroke as my blood pressure is okay (and my cholesterol levels).  My pulse is a bit higher but this was after I was told to go to the emergency room.  I know that they are trained to tell us, the patient, this as they can offer me nothing else just now.   Oh man...

So, at 7 pm tonight it will be time for me to take another pill.   I will not do this and I will call again tomorrow to describe and discuss a better drug.  This one does not agree with me.  I hope they will listen as I have been through this many times before and I understand my body down to the individual cells.   I am not perfect.  I am not 100% certain.  I may be wrong.  And, something in me is telling me I am okay that I just need to find a better/different drug to help me get by with pain that comes from my body in distress and dis-ease with scleroderma.

I don't know who or what I am without drugs.  I think, if at all possible, this is (again) the time to wean down and see what I feel and know without it. 

I think I am stronger now.  I have let go of much disturbance(s) in my brain waves and cells.  I am more equipped to deal with physical and emotional pain.   I am discovering a new road that is being open to me through these latest situations with doctors, tests and pain management.

I am not having fun.  I do feel I am where I am supposed to be.  I know God has me and I am okay.  I believe once through this, I will be more evolved. 

I want to thrive more.  I want to connect to you more and support your happiness and truth of self.

I am ready.   I now want my body to be ready to carry me through and to this.

May you trust your intuition and your inner guidance.   If, there is any doubt at all, even a small amount - do not hesitate to grab onto emergency help and let it support you.  That is what it is there for.  I am certain my blood pressure and pulse are okay and where it is not life threatening. 

My numb face tells me it is not happy with the new drug.  It is numbing my pain but numbing so much more. 

5.5 hours to go.   A lot can happen in one minute.  I know this.  I would never recommend anyone to do what I am doing.  After almost 40 years of riding this roller coaster, I know that what I am feeling is not going to be helped by going to the hospital.  The extended release drug is already in my system and flushing it out, for me, is best to let it's take its course and not taking it again. 

I do not know what the emergency doctors would offer.  I do not think this time around I need to know.  I only need to wait it out, drink lots of water, eat and rest.  I would never suggest for you to do this.  I would suggest for you not to as I don't know you just like the nurse on the phone did not know me. 

I am usually numb as this is what tight skin does to me.  This is what constriction of blood vessels do.  This is what scleroderma is.  Too much collagen was being produced and nothing flows at its best when this happens.  And, I am ready to allow the flow of blood and my organs to be happily working at full capacity and I have already started on producing just the right and proper amount of collagen that my body will stop fighting itself and live in harmony with.  I and my body are ready to live in harmony with the universe and what is.

It has been a long road.   I am here at another crossroads.   All is well.

May you Just Be U and may you listen to your gut and may you love yourself through.

 Note:   If a professional is telling you something, I suggest it is always good to listen..
               "better safe than sorry'.