Be U: Discomfort

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Discomfort

I sit in discomfort this moment. I'm finding myself uncomfortable to come here. I feel agitated and in disarray. I feel spastic in thought and uncertain in what I will choose to share.

It is okay to feel this way even as it is not my favorite way to feel. Perhaps, this discomfort propels me in a new direction or embarks me towards a new way.

I am learning that everything we feel is okay. Some feelings are much more attractive and feel-good than others. This is the way it is supposed to be.

As the pharmacy says it is too early to fill the prescription that is controlled by the doctor, I find myself baffled that this is so.

I am learning that I no longer like to be 'controlled' by doctors and especially the drugs that they prescribe me. I know that I have great fear of unbearable pain and I want to believe that I will know what to do IF that happens and that right now in this minute I can continue to wean from the second drug. This one I am not going as fast. It is perhaps, though, because I was so focused on the first drug. Now, I can focus on this second drug and I can only see where I end up.

I have not taken the first drug since yesterday morning. It is 5 p.m. the next day. I do not see myself taking it any time soon. I'm on it! Perhaps, it is better said I am off of it... !

I find myself with better clarity. I'm okay. I am strong enough and have done my work that it is my hope and truth that I am able to walk without it now. I am happy about this. There are better, more healthier things to depend on. (It is okay wherever you are. Whatever brings you to your best functioning self; this is what my hope is for you.)

I don't know what I will do when it comes time for the dentist as this is the drug I took to get me through my challenging and exhausting dentist visits because of my small mouth. I hear myself saying to not concern myself about that. That when the time comes, I will be okay and I will know what to do. It is working in this moment as I process through this 'self-talk'.

I am agitated because of what I am walking through just now. It is okay to be agitated. It works best when I deal with this agitation in the most loving and easy way that I know how. To put this agitation somewhere it does not belong or on someone that it doesn't belong to would be where I could see myself as wanting to do better. But, as I allow agitation and [lovingly as possible] own it, I can walk through it and grow from it.

Without the awareness of agitation and discomfort, I would most likely stay stuck or here where I am at. Stuck is no longer an option for me. I will feel it, walk through it, let it go and grow from it.

May you be aware of all of your feelings. May you feel them, walk through them (with as much love and ease as possible), let them go and grow from them.

It just may be the best way to 'ride' this human life as we are all experiencing it today.

Ride the truth of you to a deeper level of understanding and trust of yourself [your feelings].

Unknown

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!