Be U: Emergency...

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Emergency...

I have taken two of the new pain management pills. I do not like how I feel. I am more numb than I need to be and my heart and breathing are affected. My eyes are a bit messed up as well.   I can see clearly, but it doesn't feel like reality that I am seeing...   Like a lens or fog is covering what my brain is registering.

I called the pain management people that prescribed this and they immediately told me to go to the emergency room at the hospital. I know this is not what I need.   I need to not take this pill. It is too strong and my body doesn't like it.

So, I wait it out. Yes, it can be scary. I have been through this before and I know I am not having a heart attack or stroke as my blood pressure is okay (and my cholesterol levels). My pulse is a bit higher but this was after I was told to go to the emergency room. I know that they are trained to tell us, the patient, this as they can offer me nothing else just now.   Oh man...

So, at 7 pm tonight it will be time for me to take another pill.   I will not do this and I will call again tomorrow to describe and discuss a better drug. This one does not agree with me. I hope they will listen as I have been through this many times before and I understand my body down to the individual cells.   I am not perfect. I am not 100% certain. I may be wrong. And, something in me is telling me I am okay that I just need to find a better/different drug to help me get by with pain that comes from my body in distress and dis-ease with scleroderma.

I don't know who or what I am without drugs. I think, if at all possible, this is (again) the time to wean down and see what I feel and know without it.

I think I am stronger now. I have let go of much disturbance(s) in my brain waves and cells. I am more equipped to deal with physical and emotional pain.   I am discovering a new road that is being open to me through these latest situations with doctors, tests and pain management.

I am not having fun. I do feel I am where I am supposed to be. I know God has me and I am okay. I believe once through this, I will be more evolved.

I want to thrive more. I want to connect to you more and support your happiness and truth of self.

I am ready.   I now want my body to be ready to carry me through and to this.

May you trust your intuition and your inner guidance.   If, there is any doubt at all, even a small amount - do not hesitate to grab onto emergency help and let it support you. That is what it is there for. I am certain my blood pressure and pulse are okay and where it is not life threatening.

My numb face tells me it is not happy with the new drug. It is numbing my pain but numbing so much more.

5.5 hours to go.   A lot can happen in one minute. I know this. I would never recommend anyone to do what I am doing. After almost 40 years of riding this roller coaster, I know that what I am feeling is not going to be helped by going to the hospital. The extended release drug is already in my system and flushing it out, for me, is best to let it's take its course and not taking it again.

I do not know what the emergency doctors would offer. I do not think this time around I need to know. I only need to wait it out, drink lots of water, eat and rest. I would never suggest for you to do this. I would suggest for you not to as I don't know you just like the nurse on the phone did not know me.

I am usually numb as this is what tight skin does to me. This is what constriction of blood vessels do. This is what scleroderma is. Too much collagen was being produced and nothing flows at its best when this happens. And, I am ready to allow the flow of blood and my organs to be happily working at full capacity and I have already started on producing just the right and proper amount of collagen that my body will stop fighting itself and live in harmony with. I and my body are ready to live in harmony with the universe and what is.

It has been a long road.   I am here at another crossroads.   All is well.

May you Just Be U and may you listen to your gut and may you love yourself through.

Note: If a professional is telling you something, I suggest it is always good to listen..
               "better safe than sorry'.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!