Be U: Swoosh. Oh Man. Take Away.

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Swoosh. Oh Man. Take Away.

I am still in the midst of my drug dilemma and it feels very strong, real, challenging, confusing and it amazes me how no one will come out and truly clarify what is going on... Maybe none of us really know....

Last week, another prescription was returned to me unfilled. This same script I took to the doctor yesterday and returned it to them. They gave me a new one; one that, this time, feels very right to me. It is the drug and dose I know and am somewhat comfortable with.

I did not take it to the pharmacy in fear of it being denied. I sat on the couch three hours, frozen, this morning wondering what to do.

The doctor's office yesterday told me it 'shouldn't be a problem' to get it filled. [famous last words]

So after three hours in frozen fear, I called the pharmacy that declined my last prescription. I told her I was afraid and to please help guide me on how to maneuver and work with this system that feels like it is not meant for me and my needs. I didn't say that. I did say whatever guidance/help she can give me to understand and get this prescription filled, I would greatly appreciate it. I did say I was afraid to bring it in.

As I was having this conversation, my head feels like a vice is on it; my feet and hands are so purple and I am way out of my comfort zone. I really don't know what comfort feels like these days.

She wouldn't really give me any answers other than she can't look in the system and that it is best to just bring it in and try... Oh my my my my my....

After I hung up, I felt a swoosh of energy flow through me and almost got a strong headache but it kept flowing through and my fingers and feet are okay again. I even feel my face more and I can feel these keyboard keys better as well. My finger pads are more 'alive'.

This is my 'stuff' that I need to walk through; apparently. And, by bringing my true self to this situation (even though it felt like I may die (over dramatization kinda sorta), it gave me a sense of freedom afterwards. I find it quite the hoot how no one else cares, feels, or can create this same scenario within themselves. They cannot feel or derive this from the same circumstance. I have 'way a lot' of energy around it. It is not so for anyone I reach out to or share same with. They cannot feel what I feel. They cannot tell me how or help me through.

However, almost everyone does relate to something in their life this way... just maybe. Many of us sweep it under the rug; allow it to be the elephant in the room; bury it deep inside; do something else to keep our minds off and away from it.

My take home lesson is to bring my truth to it even if my voice shakes. Even if my body turns purple. Even if it feels like I won't make it through -- Bring my true self to it.

I surely hope it gets easier and easier.

Life is not a one road trip. Life has many facets to it and by bringing our truth to all of them is becoming the only way I know how to travel.

Travel well my friends. Travel in your purest form.

May you bring your true self to each situation. As you come from your loving truth (outside of anger, resentment, pain and worry), you come into and touch the best route possible for your earthly travels. Just maybe.

Travel well my friends.

Photos of Rose (Facebook)

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!