Sunday, July 31, 2011
Storm
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain." Anonymous
Beautiful
It is a beautiful summer evening. I filled the bird feeders; cut back dead branches; took algae out of the pond; emptied the skimmer baskets in the pool and raced the dogs. (I did holler at Cali and tell her that she is not allowed to bring any more animals in my house. EVER)
The little baby frogs are peeking out at me. The cute and tiny baby fish are swimming around. They seem to stay close together. Gold and black seem to be the winning colors that they wear so far this year.
The sound of the waterfalls, the colors of the flowers and the warmth in the air fill my senses. I can't help but to relax and take it all in and be ever so grateful that I am right where I am at.
The sun is getting low and saying goodbye for the day. The sky is blue and clear. The trees are plentiful and green. It really is a haven for me to surrender. Just to kick back and enjoy.
We call it Shambala; a Sanskrit word meaning "a place of peace and tranquility for all living creatures". Right now, in this moment, it is. I am grateful.
May you experience gratefulness today.
The little baby frogs are peeking out at me. The cute and tiny baby fish are swimming around. They seem to stay close together. Gold and black seem to be the winning colors that they wear so far this year.
The sound of the waterfalls, the colors of the flowers and the warmth in the air fill my senses. I can't help but to relax and take it all in and be ever so grateful that I am right where I am at.
The sun is getting low and saying goodbye for the day. The sky is blue and clear. The trees are plentiful and green. It really is a haven for me to surrender. Just to kick back and enjoy.
We call it Shambala; a Sanskrit word meaning "a place of peace and tranquility for all living creatures". Right now, in this moment, it is. I am grateful.
May you experience gratefulness today.
Dog Walk
Durby decides he wants to go around the block today. Durby is getting old and we have not been around the block in quite a long time. He stands still when I tell him 'let's turn around' and this is his way of telling me he'd like to go on. Our 'block' is approximately 2.25 miles.
Today, I agreed.
We met up with a wonderful lady that I started chatting with. It just may have changed my life. What came up was that I was a middle child and she was the youngest in her family. We were saying how middle children are known to be the peacemakers and sometimes silent ones and youngest children are known to maybe be less disciplined and less worried about (left on their own alot), perhaps, because by then the parents may have lost some of their fear and concern of rearing children.
I stated how I have this blog and I feel like I say some pretty nutso stuff on it and I'm way out there at times. I said that I feel uncomfortable about showing my (what we later called) 'uniqueness'. She told me that her uniqueness/quirkiness is what she loves about herself. We delved a bit deeper and we came up with that, perhaps, it is because her quirkiness (alot of times) was able to get her the attention that she wanted/needed. And, my differences was what got me scorned or belittled because some of the people around me were unable to deal with anything out of what they were involved in or could understand.
So, here I am sometimes berating myself for being and showing who I am and here she is indulging in her own 'quirkiness/uniqueness'. How very interesting.
What we believe, is true... or is it?
So, as of today, I am going to try my best and no longer am I going to judge/question/berate what I feel and believe. I am going to allow and maybe even bask in who I am; because basking feels better than berating.
Mmmmm. THANK YOU WONDERFUL LADY!
May you bask in the unique beauty of you today!
(oh, this working on oneself takes alot of energy)
BE YOU.
What if (on the slightest chance) this is the only thing our world needs...
Today, I agreed.
We met up with a wonderful lady that I started chatting with. It just may have changed my life. What came up was that I was a middle child and she was the youngest in her family. We were saying how middle children are known to be the peacemakers and sometimes silent ones and youngest children are known to maybe be less disciplined and less worried about (left on their own alot), perhaps, because by then the parents may have lost some of their fear and concern of rearing children.
I stated how I have this blog and I feel like I say some pretty nutso stuff on it and I'm way out there at times. I said that I feel uncomfortable about showing my (what we later called) 'uniqueness'. She told me that her uniqueness/quirkiness is what she loves about herself. We delved a bit deeper and we came up with that, perhaps, it is because her quirkiness (alot of times) was able to get her the attention that she wanted/needed. And, my differences was what got me scorned or belittled because some of the people around me were unable to deal with anything out of what they were involved in or could understand.
So, here I am sometimes berating myself for being and showing who I am and here she is indulging in her own 'quirkiness/uniqueness'. How very interesting.
What we believe, is true... or is it?
So, as of today, I am going to try my best and no longer am I going to judge/question/berate what I feel and believe. I am going to allow and maybe even bask in who I am; because basking feels better than berating.
Mmmmm. THANK YOU WONDERFUL LADY!
May you bask in the unique beauty of you today!
(oh, this working on oneself takes alot of energy)
BE YOU.
What if (on the slightest chance) this is the only thing our world needs...
Oh, What a Night
(NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART)
I woke up around 3:30 last night and saw my littlest dog trying to bury something on the comforter of my bed. This looks like she is 'raking' something with her nose. I was curious what it could be.
It was a dead bunny's full leg and foot. EWWWW GROSS. Really UNPLEASANT.
After about 1 hour, I fell back to sleep and woke up this morning to 3 different (not teenie) spots of blood on the hardwood floor. I was reluctantly looking for the rest of the rabbit as I went about my morning chores. Note: I do have one cat that has brought mice, frogs, and even a baby bunny into the house through the dog door before. UGH.
I looked under the chairs/couches/bed - nothing. I went on with my morning. Moments later, I turned around and there was the poor baby bunny with what looked like was it's flesh eaten through to a bare skull. I was in this spot several times earlier and nothing - so one of my puppies must have brought it to me from somewhere. Totally grossed me out. I had to discard it (I was home alone). It took me minutes to figure out how I was going to do this and to gather all the courage I could possibly muster up. I gave a little eulogy of sorts and it is now in the trash.
I sprayed and wiped vinegar water everywhere I could and I burned sage to clear the energy. I still feel uncomfortable and what's a woman to do. The bedding is still in the dryer for the third time!
Yes, I am wondering if this has anything to do with me telling the 'sky' that I am not afraid of it. I know it's just the cat bringing the bunny in and my dogs playing with it. How gross AND on my bed. NEVER ever before has this happened. The poor bunny gave up his life for my cat and dogs. I thank him, I guess. I don't know what else to do.
I am still grossed out. Short of killing the cat; I will just pray and hope that this never ever, ever happens again.
I hope your night was more festive and less worrisome than my own.
How do you deal with things you'd certainly rather not handle and must.
My wish for you is that you know you can handle anything that comes your way (no matter how horrid) and that life always works through itself.
"Life always works through living." (Mercedes Flair)
I woke up around 3:30 last night and saw my littlest dog trying to bury something on the comforter of my bed. This looks like she is 'raking' something with her nose. I was curious what it could be.
It was a dead bunny's full leg and foot. EWWWW GROSS. Really UNPLEASANT.
After about 1 hour, I fell back to sleep and woke up this morning to 3 different (not teenie) spots of blood on the hardwood floor. I was reluctantly looking for the rest of the rabbit as I went about my morning chores. Note: I do have one cat that has brought mice, frogs, and even a baby bunny into the house through the dog door before. UGH.
I looked under the chairs/couches/bed - nothing. I went on with my morning. Moments later, I turned around and there was the poor baby bunny with what looked like was it's flesh eaten through to a bare skull. I was in this spot several times earlier and nothing - so one of my puppies must have brought it to me from somewhere. Totally grossed me out. I had to discard it (I was home alone). It took me minutes to figure out how I was going to do this and to gather all the courage I could possibly muster up. I gave a little eulogy of sorts and it is now in the trash.
I sprayed and wiped vinegar water everywhere I could and I burned sage to clear the energy. I still feel uncomfortable and what's a woman to do. The bedding is still in the dryer for the third time!
Yes, I am wondering if this has anything to do with me telling the 'sky' that I am not afraid of it. I know it's just the cat bringing the bunny in and my dogs playing with it. How gross AND on my bed. NEVER ever before has this happened. The poor bunny gave up his life for my cat and dogs. I thank him, I guess. I don't know what else to do.
I am still grossed out. Short of killing the cat; I will just pray and hope that this never ever, ever happens again.
I hope your night was more festive and less worrisome than my own.
How do you deal with things you'd certainly rather not handle and must.
My wish for you is that you know you can handle anything that comes your way (no matter how horrid) and that life always works through itself.
"Life always works through living." (Mercedes Flair)
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Rose
Rose Quartz
I have been sleeping near, receiving energy work with and carrying rose quartz crystal with me these past 10 days or so.
When I went to a two-week overnight camp when I was 11, I chose my own name to be "Rose" during my stay there. I was sent there immediately after my dad left and my mom was 'figuring things out'. I did not realize it at the time. Coincidence?
Remedy Benefits of Rose Quartz:
Today, may you experience the energy that rose quartz can offer.
I have been sleeping near, receiving energy work with and carrying rose quartz crystal with me these past 10 days or so.
When I went to a two-week overnight camp when I was 11, I chose my own name to be "Rose" during my stay there. I was sent there immediately after my dad left and my mom was 'figuring things out'. I did not realize it at the time. Coincidence?
Remedy Benefits of Rose Quartz:
- Encourages self love
- Heals emotional body
- Eases heartache
- Relieves loneliness
- Releases repressed hurts
- Promotes forgiveness
- Offers inner peace
Today, may you experience the energy that rose quartz can offer.
Quite the Storm
I e-mailed my Friends saying that I feel so close to being whole and I feel like there is a dark force here keeping me from getting it all.
(Can't make this stuff up)
Now, it was scheduled to storm and the winds picked up greatly, it got very dark and the rain started to come down.
I decide to go out in the rain, stand there and lift my arms to the sky saying that I choose the light; I am one with God; I am one with the Universe and I am not afraid of the dark; bring it on. I even did two spins around. The heavy rains came and I lost electricity. I laughed so hard.
So, the storm passes and there are leaves abundantly in the pool. I start pulling them out. I end up in the pool, by choice, fully clothed and telling myself I'm baptizing myself falling backwards in the water. For people that know me know that I do not go in the pool. I tell myself I am resurrected. I swim a lap using the breast stroke. I get out of the pool; walk through the house soaking wet and realize that the shower; nor hot water; nor lights; nor heater in the bathroom is accessible because of no electricity. I laughed real hard. My hands were NOT purple or cold. I told myself this is what 'refreshed' feels like.
Baptize - to cleanse spiritually; initiate or dedicate by purifying (dictionary.com)
Resurrected - bring to life again. to bring back into use, practice (dictionary.com)
It's amazing that when I do things by total choice and intuition how much fun I can have. I'm telling myself that I am full of light and connected to the universe... Electricity stays off for 9 hours.
So, about 1.5 hours into it - I find myself frustrated and hot (no A/C) and realizing how ultimately silent it is in my house without electricity. I sang Oh Holy Night and Please Release Me for good measure.
My dogs just followed me and watched me. Durby was scared because of the beeping of the alarm system and the sirens of the vehicles out doing their courageous jobs.
The dogs and I were all discombobulated. I was home alone. (Good thing, huh?) LOL
Around 3:30 a.m., we got our electric back on. The house was no longer dark or quiet. I was up changing all the timers and clocks. I was making sure the fish tanks were back up and running. My big tank did leak some and I was sopping up water at 3:30 this morning. It wasn't horrible. Everything was back up and running.
I was grateful for the air conditioning. I thought my husband's in the right business (companies that deal with electricity and clean power). With the way we depend on technology; we have to have electrity to keep it all charged up.
Hey, I just thought that he is in the energy business and I so want to be in the "energy" business. Ha. The energy of the universe.
Meridians, tai chi, qi gong, yoga, exercise, massage; the body, the brain, the heart. It's all energy work.
My wish for you is to live with reckless abandonment today. Make a choice through your own intuition and run/ride/dance with it.
You know you got it if it makes you think your nuts and you feel happy!
(Can't make this stuff up)
Now, it was scheduled to storm and the winds picked up greatly, it got very dark and the rain started to come down.
I decide to go out in the rain, stand there and lift my arms to the sky saying that I choose the light; I am one with God; I am one with the Universe and I am not afraid of the dark; bring it on. I even did two spins around. The heavy rains came and I lost electricity. I laughed so hard.
So, the storm passes and there are leaves abundantly in the pool. I start pulling them out. I end up in the pool, by choice, fully clothed and telling myself I'm baptizing myself falling backwards in the water. For people that know me know that I do not go in the pool. I tell myself I am resurrected. I swim a lap using the breast stroke. I get out of the pool; walk through the house soaking wet and realize that the shower; nor hot water; nor lights; nor heater in the bathroom is accessible because of no electricity. I laughed real hard. My hands were NOT purple or cold. I told myself this is what 'refreshed' feels like.
Baptize - to cleanse spiritually; initiate or dedicate by purifying (dictionary.com)
Resurrected - bring to life again. to bring back into use, practice (dictionary.com)
It's amazing that when I do things by total choice and intuition how much fun I can have. I'm telling myself that I am full of light and connected to the universe... Electricity stays off for 9 hours.
So, about 1.5 hours into it - I find myself frustrated and hot (no A/C) and realizing how ultimately silent it is in my house without electricity. I sang Oh Holy Night and Please Release Me for good measure.
My dogs just followed me and watched me. Durby was scared because of the beeping of the alarm system and the sirens of the vehicles out doing their courageous jobs.
The dogs and I were all discombobulated. I was home alone. (Good thing, huh?) LOL
Around 3:30 a.m., we got our electric back on. The house was no longer dark or quiet. I was up changing all the timers and clocks. I was making sure the fish tanks were back up and running. My big tank did leak some and I was sopping up water at 3:30 this morning. It wasn't horrible. Everything was back up and running.
I was grateful for the air conditioning. I thought my husband's in the right business (companies that deal with electricity and clean power). With the way we depend on technology; we have to have electrity to keep it all charged up.
Hey, I just thought that he is in the energy business and I so want to be in the "energy" business. Ha. The energy of the universe.
Meridians, tai chi, qi gong, yoga, exercise, massage; the body, the brain, the heart. It's all energy work.
My wish for you is to live with reckless abandonment today. Make a choice through your own intuition and run/ride/dance with it.
You know you got it if it makes you think your nuts and you feel happy!
Friday, July 29, 2011
What a Ride
I was feeling a bit funky and looking a bit funky and I decided to try an experiment. I went to the grocery store with rag clothes and no make up. No foundation, hair pulled back sloppily; the authentic me.
I did not want to. I was scared. I knew this was a time to PUSH.
So, off I go wondering if I was brilliant or nuts. I did not feel like there was a possibility of being in any gray area here. Mmmm.
Anyhoo, I'M ALIVE! I made it. I did it!!
I'd like to share my experience and I was very glad that I didn't run into y-o-u. Ha.
The two stores I went to were easy as pie. No problem. Grungy, limping along me. I smiled and accomplished what I wanted to.
My payoff was on the road driving home. I had my windows down and my music loud. On the way to the store - the song came on:
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
Oh, that's what friends are for
(Dionne Warwick)
I thought - interesting. I did think about turning around; I did not.
On the way home, I just drove some. It was a beautiful day and it felt nice to be out.
The next song I heard was "I Don't Know How to Love Him" by Yvonne Elliman and this created quite a stir in me that I sang on the top of my lungs and I cried with tears and felt with everything that I am.
"I've been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days
When I've seen myself
I seem like someone else"
"I don't know how to take this"
"Should I scream and shout
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?"
"Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one
Who's always been
So calm so cool
No lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so"
"I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?"
Below is a link to, what I believe is, a wondrous song. (1st time I ever embedded a link, oh I'm growing up!)
http://www.youtube.com/embed/18GTVeXNWfg?rel=0
So, now I am thinking when I take a chance on me, myself and I - a big fat chance; and walk through my great discomfort, I am rewarded.
Is it time for you to take a great big fat chance on yourself?
I did not want to. I was scared. I knew this was a time to PUSH.
So, off I go wondering if I was brilliant or nuts. I did not feel like there was a possibility of being in any gray area here. Mmmm.
Anyhoo, I'M ALIVE! I made it. I did it!!
I'd like to share my experience and I was very glad that I didn't run into y-o-u. Ha.
The two stores I went to were easy as pie. No problem. Grungy, limping along me. I smiled and accomplished what I wanted to.
My payoff was on the road driving home. I had my windows down and my music loud. On the way to the store - the song came on:
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
Oh, that's what friends are for
(Dionne Warwick)
I thought - interesting. I did think about turning around; I did not.
On the way home, I just drove some. It was a beautiful day and it felt nice to be out.
The next song I heard was "I Don't Know How to Love Him" by Yvonne Elliman and this created quite a stir in me that I sang on the top of my lungs and I cried with tears and felt with everything that I am.
"I've been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days
When I've seen myself
I seem like someone else"
"I don't know how to take this"
"Should I scream and shout
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?"
"Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one
Who's always been
So calm so cool
No lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so"
"I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?"
Below is a link to, what I believe is, a wondrous song. (1st time I ever embedded a link, oh I'm growing up!)
http://www.youtube.com/embed/18GTVeXNWfg?rel=0
So, now I am thinking when I take a chance on me, myself and I - a big fat chance; and walk through my great discomfort, I am rewarded.
Is it time for you to take a great big fat chance on yourself?
Wondering
I'm thinking that will all this electronically available connection to each one of us; this is what is bringing about so much change and upheaval in our world.
We are so easily accessed and so much information is available than ever before. The 'dark' side of us was more quiet; more hidden.
We (because it's easier and more fun) only shared with each other the fun, upbeat, uplifting sides of ourselves.
With us all being more exposed in this ultimate connection of the internet, truth is coming out. Never do I remember hearing so many not happy-go-lucky aspects of the world.
We are becoming more whole and much more real. A lot of us are finding it necessary to see more clearly subjects that are not fun or easy to digest. We are more open to our feelings and truth.
This is good and I'd like it if I could find balance as quick as possible. The world feels topsy-turvy with so much commotion and change going on.
I believe this is good and I believe the sooner we make this transition to living our truths outloud in a loving and supportive way, the sooner we will be less topsy-turvy and more calm, cool and collected.
I vote for calm, cool and collected ASAP.
My wish is that you are willing to help by living your loving, truthful self.
Bring it!
We are so easily accessed and so much information is available than ever before. The 'dark' side of us was more quiet; more hidden.
We (because it's easier and more fun) only shared with each other the fun, upbeat, uplifting sides of ourselves.
With us all being more exposed in this ultimate connection of the internet, truth is coming out. Never do I remember hearing so many not happy-go-lucky aspects of the world.
We are becoming more whole and much more real. A lot of us are finding it necessary to see more clearly subjects that are not fun or easy to digest. We are more open to our feelings and truth.
This is good and I'd like it if I could find balance as quick as possible. The world feels topsy-turvy with so much commotion and change going on.
I believe this is good and I believe the sooner we make this transition to living our truths outloud in a loving and supportive way, the sooner we will be less topsy-turvy and more calm, cool and collected.
I vote for calm, cool and collected ASAP.
My wish is that you are willing to help by living your loving, truthful self.
Bring it!
Continue On
As I continue on this journey into the depth of my being, I am flabbergasted by all the layers we humans have. Thousands, or so it feels.
I'm feeling my way through the dark with intermittent light and I know survival of the most enjoyable kind is imminent and mine.
I'm hoping to see my body catch up with my spirit today. No holds barred.
I'm open to receiving alignment of mind, body, spirit in the most beautiful light and all the power that is available to each one of us from the depth of our universe.
This has to do it! Ha.
I'm feeling my way through the dark with intermittent light and I know survival of the most enjoyable kind is imminent and mine.
I'm hoping to see my body catch up with my spirit today. No holds barred.
I'm open to receiving alignment of mind, body, spirit in the most beautiful light and all the power that is available to each one of us from the depth of our universe.
This has to do it! Ha.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Energy Work
I had a 'massage' today for 2 hours and 15 minutes. It was not a relaxing, unwinding type of massage. It was a go for it, release the deeply stuck energy type of massage. I am on a massage table fully clothed.
I wish I would have taped it because, although I participated, I do not remember much.
I know I constantly belched. I know I coughed alot of stuff up and out; from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. I moved this way and that way. Too weird - even for me.
The Therapist may have only touched my feet, my neck and my back during the whole time. Yet, so much came up for me.
I burped the taste of penicillin up. What came to my mind, at this time, was me standing in line in my childhood kitchen with my brother and my sister having to take a disgusting smelling and tasting penicillin. Why this came up; I certainly have no clue. Yet, it came up like I was standing in that line today.
I had a metal taste in my mouth. I laughed so hard, I cried; along with my therapist. The song by Tom Jones "Please Release Me" played in my head. The song by Queen came up but played out in my head like I've paid my dues, it's taken my time --"We are the Champions".
We 'entered' a part of my body in my back and neck that her and I have never come across during the 10 plus years we have been working together. In fact, when she used to touch my back, I would hear in my head to tell her 'you're not getting in there so don't even think about it'. I knew it wasn't ready to budge; and it never did; until today. At the end of the session, the therapist burped. Too funny.
My skin feels softer right now. I can feel my fingers. I have more peace. In fact, I fell asleep for half an hour right afterwards. My ears are burning. They are still ringing.
I am hoping, again, for a miracle. I am hearing my inner voice and listening to it. It is so very interesting how it is so different from my conscious, trained mind/brain. I have gotten really, really good at turning my inner voice off in midsentence and telling 'it' how ridiculous it sounds. I am hoping that I will listen, hear and react accordingly more and more. I hope that I will learn to live my life path; the one that fulfills me and my service here. I am hoping that by me doing this, I can help others to do the same; if they choose it.
I want to be me so I can help you be you. This is my true calling. I would never have believed there was so much for me to release, to learn and that everything I need is already here for me. I just have to be open and willing to participate.
Are you willing to participate in your life?
Do I dare to continue what I've started.
I have no choice. I have no choice but to be here where I am. I'm living inwardly for the first time in my life and working on myself as lovingly as possible. I'm giving my connection to myself all that I possibly can.
My inner voice tells me that I have no choice. The pain will not allow me any other option if I want to survive it.
I am ME and I totally wish for you to BE U.
All will be good in the world when we do this. We will be living our truth. We will be the champions of our own lives. Now, that's rockin it! You just may already be doing this. I applaud you.
You know you've got it when your outer self is aligned with your inner self.
I was taught in Feng Shui that a black and white picture or a water fountain at an entranceway to any room or building will help to keep the flow of life moving through.
I wish I would have taped it because, although I participated, I do not remember much.
I know I constantly belched. I know I coughed alot of stuff up and out; from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. I moved this way and that way. Too weird - even for me.
The Therapist may have only touched my feet, my neck and my back during the whole time. Yet, so much came up for me.
I burped the taste of penicillin up. What came to my mind, at this time, was me standing in line in my childhood kitchen with my brother and my sister having to take a disgusting smelling and tasting penicillin. Why this came up; I certainly have no clue. Yet, it came up like I was standing in that line today.
I had a metal taste in my mouth. I laughed so hard, I cried; along with my therapist. The song by Tom Jones "Please Release Me" played in my head. The song by Queen came up but played out in my head like I've paid my dues, it's taken my time --"We are the Champions".
We 'entered' a part of my body in my back and neck that her and I have never come across during the 10 plus years we have been working together. In fact, when she used to touch my back, I would hear in my head to tell her 'you're not getting in there so don't even think about it'. I knew it wasn't ready to budge; and it never did; until today. At the end of the session, the therapist burped. Too funny.
My skin feels softer right now. I can feel my fingers. I have more peace. In fact, I fell asleep for half an hour right afterwards. My ears are burning. They are still ringing.
I am hoping, again, for a miracle. I am hearing my inner voice and listening to it. It is so very interesting how it is so different from my conscious, trained mind/brain. I have gotten really, really good at turning my inner voice off in midsentence and telling 'it' how ridiculous it sounds. I am hoping that I will listen, hear and react accordingly more and more. I hope that I will learn to live my life path; the one that fulfills me and my service here. I am hoping that by me doing this, I can help others to do the same; if they choose it.
I want to be me so I can help you be you. This is my true calling. I would never have believed there was so much for me to release, to learn and that everything I need is already here for me. I just have to be open and willing to participate.
Are you willing to participate in your life?
Do I dare to continue what I've started.
I have no choice. I have no choice but to be here where I am. I'm living inwardly for the first time in my life and working on myself as lovingly as possible. I'm giving my connection to myself all that I possibly can.
My inner voice tells me that I have no choice. The pain will not allow me any other option if I want to survive it.
I am ME and I totally wish for you to BE U.
All will be good in the world when we do this. We will be living our truth. We will be the champions of our own lives. Now, that's rockin it! You just may already be doing this. I applaud you.
You know you've got it when your outer self is aligned with your inner self.
I was taught in Feng Shui that a black and white picture or a water fountain at an entranceway to any room or building will help to keep the flow of life moving through.
Epiphany
I woke up to two epiphanies this morning.
My brain went right to my last post stating that I was less caring, less kind. I didn't like less of these things.
Then, I realized that what I'm talking about is that I am, alot of the time, able to feel and know what are people are feeling. I would take on their feelings. I would have great compassion. However, I would own what they were feeling in order to (in my belief) help them and show them I care. I had no boundary here. I took on the other persons 'mode', if you will.
With every person I'd come in contact with, whatever they were living/feeling, I'd became that...to some degree.
I now know I can be connected to what they are feeling/living and not have to own it myself. WOW. I can be compassionate and caring and still be me and own what I'm all about, period. HUGE.
Silence. Breathe. Adjust.
I also awakened to the air conditioning blowing. I could feel the cool air. In the past, as long as I can remember, I never liked cool air blowing on me. It felt (or I told myself it did which made it true) hurtful and uncomfortable.
I remembered a long time ago, I literally said to myself that I would not feel anymore. I chose not to feel because the pain was too great. I realized that I wouldn't feel the wonderfulness of life either and I was okay with this. I just knew I didn't want to feel the pain ever again. I literally pledged this to myself.
I believe that the cold air on my body threatened to make me feel, so I chose to hate the cold. I chose to allow the cold to hurt me and, it did, literally numb me and helped to disform my hands. Mmmmm.
I fought the cold for most of my life. I relaxed and reveled in the warm air because this was a warm, loving thing to me.
But the coldness of the human heart scare(s)/scare(d) me. So, somewhere/somehow I made the cold a thing I wanted no part of.
Have I lost all sense now or is this the most aware I've ever been.
Stay tuned.
Epiphany - any moment of great or sudden revelation
a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something,
usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience
(dictionary.com)
My brain went right to my last post stating that I was less caring, less kind. I didn't like less of these things.
Then, I realized that what I'm talking about is that I am, alot of the time, able to feel and know what are people are feeling. I would take on their feelings. I would have great compassion. However, I would own what they were feeling in order to (in my belief) help them and show them I care. I had no boundary here. I took on the other persons 'mode', if you will.
With every person I'd come in contact with, whatever they were living/feeling, I'd became that...to some degree.
I now know I can be connected to what they are feeling/living and not have to own it myself. WOW. I can be compassionate and caring and still be me and own what I'm all about, period. HUGE.
Silence. Breathe. Adjust.
I also awakened to the air conditioning blowing. I could feel the cool air. In the past, as long as I can remember, I never liked cool air blowing on me. It felt (or I told myself it did which made it true) hurtful and uncomfortable.
I remembered a long time ago, I literally said to myself that I would not feel anymore. I chose not to feel because the pain was too great. I realized that I wouldn't feel the wonderfulness of life either and I was okay with this. I just knew I didn't want to feel the pain ever again. I literally pledged this to myself.
I believe that the cold air on my body threatened to make me feel, so I chose to hate the cold. I chose to allow the cold to hurt me and, it did, literally numb me and helped to disform my hands. Mmmmm.
I fought the cold for most of my life. I relaxed and reveled in the warm air because this was a warm, loving thing to me.
But the coldness of the human heart scare(s)/scare(d) me. So, somewhere/somehow I made the cold a thing I wanted no part of.
Have I lost all sense now or is this the most aware I've ever been.
Stay tuned.
Epiphany - any moment of great or sudden revelation
a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something,
usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience
(dictionary.com)
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Showing a Different Me
I'm showing a different me to the world. I'm not as nice; not as friendly; not as caring.
Am I likable? I do not know.
Do I like me - not really as much.
Am I more peaceful inside. OH YEAH
What?
Interesting.
May you BE what brings you peace today.
Am I likable? I do not know.
Do I like me - not really as much.
Am I more peaceful inside. OH YEAH
What?
Interesting.
May you BE what brings you peace today.
Bombarded
It's not the little things that can drive me over the top; although sometimes they can. It is the assortment of little things. It is the multiplication of little things that can undo me.
I am undone at the moment.
Too many little things are making it hard for me to concentrate on any one thing.
I sure hope it ends soon.
My focus right now is to stay sane....or try to! Ha.
Again, I am walking through.... (I certainly hope I make it to the other side)
May you just 'walk through' today and live and learn acceptance. My wish is that you choose to walk through as the real you with your real feelings, thoughts, needs and desires present.
I am undone at the moment.
Too many little things are making it hard for me to concentrate on any one thing.
I sure hope it ends soon.
My focus right now is to stay sane....or try to! Ha.
Again, I am walking through.... (I certainly hope I make it to the other side)
May you just 'walk through' today and live and learn acceptance. My wish is that you choose to walk through as the real you with your real feelings, thoughts, needs and desires present.
What Fulfills
I believe that what makes me happy are my relationships and my ability to have them and nuture them and laugh in them.
Being real - I can have homes, jewelry, cars, pools, whatever being on earth can bring me in the physical world.
However, if I do not feel good; if I do not feel connected to people in my life - none of these 'things' matter or can be truly enjoyed by me. I can find myself in a dark place.
If I'm connected and feel strong -- this is when I feel most alive, well, happy and fulfilled. This is where I can enjoy the material things.
May you strive for the joy of a fulfilling relationship and/or good health today.
Being real - I can have homes, jewelry, cars, pools, whatever being on earth can bring me in the physical world.
However, if I do not feel good; if I do not feel connected to people in my life - none of these 'things' matter or can be truly enjoyed by me. I can find myself in a dark place.
If I'm connected and feel strong -- this is when I feel most alive, well, happy and fulfilled. This is where I can enjoy the material things.
May you strive for the joy of a fulfilling relationship and/or good health today.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Knowing Better
I've allowed my sadness to come forward and I have felt it. In honoring it, so to speak, I believe it has passed. I greatly hope so.
I'm ordering up 'joy' for tomorrow.
Some wise, beautiful woman always said "when we know better, we do better". Oprah
I'm here watching our world do better....together. It's time.
Do you wish to put your order in for tomorrow...what will you have? Ha.
I'm ordering up 'joy' for tomorrow.
Some wise, beautiful woman always said "when we know better, we do better". Oprah
I'm here watching our world do better....together. It's time.
Do you wish to put your order in for tomorrow...what will you have? Ha.
Meaning of Sad
Negative*: expressing or containing negation or denial
a negative statement, answer, word, gesture, etc
Negation*: the act of denying
Is "sad" negative? Is 'sad' just an emotion?
Sad*: affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful
I'm thinking maybe it's okay to not fight feeling/showing/connecting to 'sad' and letting it move on.
I think I had this belief somewhere deep down that if I am sad, I am not lovable.
Do you love people although they are sad at times? Can you love yourself when you are sad?
I'd rather feel happy AND I'm human.
*meanings by dictionary.com
a negative statement, answer, word, gesture, etc
Negation*: the act of denying
Is "sad" negative? Is 'sad' just an emotion?
Sad*: affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful
I'm thinking maybe it's okay to not fight feeling/showing/connecting to 'sad' and letting it move on.
I think I had this belief somewhere deep down that if I am sad, I am not lovable.
Do you love people although they are sad at times? Can you love yourself when you are sad?
I'd rather feel happy AND I'm human.
*meanings by dictionary.com
Monday, July 25, 2011
Life Answers
Would it or would it not make life boring if all our answers were just floating on a piece of paper right next to us in the swimming pool?
Faith
From the book "Leaving (Bailey Flanigan Series)" by Karen Kingsbury
"I will walk by faith ... even when I cannot see ... The song was by Jeremy Camp"
May you walk today believing what you 'know' you need to believe.
"I will walk by faith ... even when I cannot see ... The song was by Jeremy Camp"
May you walk today believing what you 'know' you need to believe.
Dare to Share
Dare to Reveal your innermost thoughts, fears, dreams, power
"It is perhaps the oldest of inner laws, as inescapable as gravity. There is no chance of lifting into any space larger than yourself without revealing the parts you hold closest to your chest."
"The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life you Have" by Mark Nepo.
"It is perhaps the oldest of inner laws, as inescapable as gravity. There is no chance of lifting into any space larger than yourself without revealing the parts you hold closest to your chest."
"The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life you Have" by Mark Nepo.
Is This Me Walking Through
All these strange posts All these unexpected thoughts and feelings All of this embarrassment and shame
Is this just me walking through my life. Are these just thoughts and feelings knocking at my door and if I allow them and process them, will I find myself somewhere else.
I think so.
I am believing that I have nothing to lose. I'm hobbling around. I'm not very energetic. Smiles are not coming up at the speed of a machine gun shooting bullets. My head is befuddled.
Befuddled - to confuse with statement or arguments (dictionary.com)
I can literally feel inside my brain movement and swirling that is 'resetting my computer'. It is scary because it is unknown. It is uncomfortable because it's different. I am literally dizzy and blank.
I have never, ever gone here before. I feel like a complete goof. I am just going to go with it because I have nothing to lose.
Am I being brave - maybe. Am I being strange - yes, definitely. Am I typing it like it comes - you bet.
So, as I'm walking through my gunk and cleaning it up, I admit I am not having fun. I am lost in my own world. I have promise of a new, better tomorrow inside of me. I'm willing it to ignite and burst like a beautiful mushroom explosion of light, energy and color.
Gunk - (too funny, it's a real word) any sticky or greasy residue or accumulation (dictionary.com)
I sure hope this is me walking through it and not staying stuck in it.
A flood from no known resource in our first floor basement.
Is this just me walking through my life. Are these just thoughts and feelings knocking at my door and if I allow them and process them, will I find myself somewhere else.
I think so.
I am believing that I have nothing to lose. I'm hobbling around. I'm not very energetic. Smiles are not coming up at the speed of a machine gun shooting bullets. My head is befuddled.
Befuddled - to confuse with statement or arguments (dictionary.com)
I can literally feel inside my brain movement and swirling that is 'resetting my computer'. It is scary because it is unknown. It is uncomfortable because it's different. I am literally dizzy and blank.
I have never, ever gone here before. I feel like a complete goof. I am just going to go with it because I have nothing to lose.
Am I being brave - maybe. Am I being strange - yes, definitely. Am I typing it like it comes - you bet.
So, as I'm walking through my gunk and cleaning it up, I admit I am not having fun. I am lost in my own world. I have promise of a new, better tomorrow inside of me. I'm willing it to ignite and burst like a beautiful mushroom explosion of light, energy and color.
Gunk - (too funny, it's a real word) any sticky or greasy residue or accumulation (dictionary.com)
I sure hope this is me walking through it and not staying stuck in it.
My heart beats fast. My breathing shallows. My mind circles.
I hear nothing but 'this isn't working for me'. Too much on my plate that I do not want there. I've created a world in which I do not fully enjoy or ever have envisioned.
I want to create joy and fun and laughter. Just do it - a voice says. I don't know how - another voice says. I am nuts - still another voice is heard.
How does one create her own life when she feels there are so many dependents/responsibilities/disabilities on her and within her. Believe that these dependents/responsibilities/disabilities will work themselves through.? I can have joy and help others.
I can have joy and be. I can be joy and have.
I can completely give up and know that breath is truly the only thing that matters in this game of living.
I can surrender to this breath and be with it.
What about all this external living.... it will happen whether I participate or not.
If I allow my breaths to be joyful, can I trust that everything else will fall where it is supposed to. Can I trust that if I just allow myself to breathe, that I am alive; truly alive...
I thought I was weird before. Look out. I don't even know where this is coming from..... A big fat HA!
I hear nothing but 'this isn't working for me'. Too much on my plate that I do not want there. I've created a world in which I do not fully enjoy or ever have envisioned.
I want to create joy and fun and laughter. Just do it - a voice says. I don't know how - another voice says. I am nuts - still another voice is heard.
How does one create her own life when she feels there are so many dependents/responsibilities/disabilities on her and within her. Believe that these dependents/responsibilities/disabilities will work themselves through.? I can have joy and help others.
I can have joy and be. I can be joy and have.
I can completely give up and know that breath is truly the only thing that matters in this game of living.
I can surrender to this breath and be with it.
What about all this external living.... it will happen whether I participate or not.
If I allow my breaths to be joyful, can I trust that everything else will fall where it is supposed to. Can I trust that if I just allow myself to breathe, that I am alive; truly alive...
I thought I was weird before. Look out. I don't even know where this is coming from..... A big fat HA!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Relief
Wow. The heat wave is on. 96 deg at 8 pm at night. It is 80 deg at 5 am. Unusually high temperatures are upon us here on the northeast coast of the United States.
I'm hanging in. I'm hopeful.
I was very close to completing the one brave thing and one fun thing a day. The ulcers stopped me in my tracks. I feel like I can start again, however. I may have done it and I did lose track. I came very close to 21 days in a row.
My hands are very swollen. The ulcers are very slight, but still 'talking' to me. If I hit them on something or rub them against something - it wakes me up some. I don't 'go to the moon' like I have in the past, but they remind me they are there.
My body aches. It almost feels like winter. Actually, it does feel like winter inside my body. I do not want it to and it does.
I am saddened greatly by this.
I will be very happy when I'm on the opposite of sad. I will be with sad while it's here. There is no push away from this right now for me.
It is okay. I don't like it and it feels right.
You know you got it, if it makes you feel 'home'..... It's where I honestly am.
I have fought for 30 years to stay happy, upbeat, loving and kind while having and living with scleroderma. I just have to be sad right now today. I think I did really good for 30 years.
Sad is just a feeling, yes?
May you truly show on the outside what you feel on the inside today.
I'm hanging in. I'm hopeful.
I was very close to completing the one brave thing and one fun thing a day. The ulcers stopped me in my tracks. I feel like I can start again, however. I may have done it and I did lose track. I came very close to 21 days in a row.
My hands are very swollen. The ulcers are very slight, but still 'talking' to me. If I hit them on something or rub them against something - it wakes me up some. I don't 'go to the moon' like I have in the past, but they remind me they are there.
My body aches. It almost feels like winter. Actually, it does feel like winter inside my body. I do not want it to and it does.
I am saddened greatly by this.
I will be very happy when I'm on the opposite of sad. I will be with sad while it's here. There is no push away from this right now for me.
It is okay. I don't like it and it feels right.
You know you got it, if it makes you feel 'home'..... It's where I honestly am.
I have fought for 30 years to stay happy, upbeat, loving and kind while having and living with scleroderma. I just have to be sad right now today. I think I did really good for 30 years.
Sad is just a feeling, yes?
May you truly show on the outside what you feel on the inside today.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Fear
I know where my fear comes from; or at least, I think I do.
I say it's time to dance and yet - my feet won't allow it.
I say it's time to live with wild abandonment, and my hands won't allow it.
Some very intelligent doctor once told me that having a disease is like living with a terrorist. This feels correct. This is where my fear comes from.
I don't know when it's going to strike. I don't know what it's going to do to me. I don't know how disformed it will make me. I don't know how it will make me feel from day to day.
On alot of medicine, this is much easier to ignore. Without much medicine, I'm staring it straight in the face.
Showdown. I'm in a freakin showdown.
I already know I'm going to win. However, I am not enjoying the fight. Maybe, today, I can choose not to fight. Maybe today I can choose to accept. (I'm back to this word, am I).
Acceptance. (dictionary.com)
1. the act of taking or receiving something offered.
I say it's time to dance and yet - my feet won't allow it.
I say it's time to live with wild abandonment, and my hands won't allow it.
Some very intelligent doctor once told me that having a disease is like living with a terrorist. This feels correct. This is where my fear comes from.
I don't know when it's going to strike. I don't know what it's going to do to me. I don't know how disformed it will make me. I don't know how it will make me feel from day to day.
On alot of medicine, this is much easier to ignore. Without much medicine, I'm staring it straight in the face.
Showdown. I'm in a freakin showdown.
I already know I'm going to win. However, I am not enjoying the fight. Maybe, today, I can choose not to fight. Maybe today I can choose to accept. (I'm back to this word, am I).
Acceptance. (dictionary.com)
1. the act of taking or receiving something offered.
2.favorable reception; approval; favor.
3.the act of assenting or believing
I do not like this word in this moment. Ha.
Instead of fight or flight, what is there....Acceptance? Ugh.
I do love myself. I do not love what I'm going through or dealt. Yet, I know I've got this. Just wished my body would respond.
May we all just LET GO some today.
May I know gratitude and may you know what you need to know for today.
Extreme Temperature
As I wake up this morning, the temperature is already 80 deg F and it's quite thick out there.
I know change is occurring in my body because the heat always felt good on me. However, I am starting to notice that the extreme heat is not comfortable for me either. The cold has always been my 'downfall' as long as I can remember. I lived for the summers.
And, today, as I go out and walk my dog, my fingers and toes feel like flames. My hands are swollen and stiff; fairly uncomfortable.
I am hoping that this means that the cold will not exasperate my discomfort as much as it has in the past.
We are always changing. The world around us is always changing. This means we always have opportunity to do better; to live life the way we know is correct for us.
To just let go and be in the moments and smile joyfully. This is my most basic instinct. And, I certainly am briliant at letting alot of things, that really do not matter or that I create in my head, get in the way.
When will my insanity stop.
It's time for extreme measures and I have no clue what they are... I'm open for ... nope; I'm scared. What is this fear inside of me that has been created to get in my way.
Where is my wild abandonment of younger years that led me down so many paths of happiness. I want some of this back.
I want to follow my instincts and not stop them dead in their tracks. I want to get out of my head and into my heart.
Time to Dance.
May you choose to be in your heart today.
I know change is occurring in my body because the heat always felt good on me. However, I am starting to notice that the extreme heat is not comfortable for me either. The cold has always been my 'downfall' as long as I can remember. I lived for the summers.
And, today, as I go out and walk my dog, my fingers and toes feel like flames. My hands are swollen and stiff; fairly uncomfortable.
I am hoping that this means that the cold will not exasperate my discomfort as much as it has in the past.
We are always changing. The world around us is always changing. This means we always have opportunity to do better; to live life the way we know is correct for us.
To just let go and be in the moments and smile joyfully. This is my most basic instinct. And, I certainly am briliant at letting alot of things, that really do not matter or that I create in my head, get in the way.
When will my insanity stop.
It's time for extreme measures and I have no clue what they are... I'm open for ... nope; I'm scared. What is this fear inside of me that has been created to get in my way.
Where is my wild abandonment of younger years that led me down so many paths of happiness. I want some of this back.
I want to follow my instincts and not stop them dead in their tracks. I want to get out of my head and into my heart.
Time to Dance.
May you choose to be in your heart today.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Hummingbird
A hummingbird came to my window this afternoon. It was quite big (for a Hummingbird) and dark blue in color. A very long thin beak. It "said" hello and flew off after visiting twice. It was way too quick to get my camera.
So, I looked up Hummingbird in the Animal Speak book by Ted Andrews.
It had some interesting information. However, the very last paragraph was:
"the hummingbird is a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible. It will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances."
"Two is the number of the inner self, the feminine to which we must give birth and expression to find our own joy."
Can I order them in groups, schools, pods, herds, etc.?
May you be connected to the HUM of your own joyful vibrations today.
So, I looked up Hummingbird in the Animal Speak book by Ted Andrews.
It had some interesting information. However, the very last paragraph was:
"the hummingbird is a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible. It will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances."
"Two is the number of the inner self, the feminine to which we must give birth and expression to find our own joy."
Can I order them in groups, schools, pods, herds, etc.?
May you be connected to the HUM of your own joyful vibrations today.
Extremes
Extremes.
Sometimes they can bring me an adrenaline rush that is absolutely thrilling.
Sometimes they can be so out there that I cannot wrap my head around it.
Extremes in temperature can wreak havoc on our human bodies.
Extremes - no matter what they are - we can not obtain or survive in them except in short periods.
I think my health (mind, body, spirit) is in an extreme period currently. I'm waiting to see what happens while loving myself through. Well, I have to be honest - there are moments that the love turns to other things like loathing, frustration, anger; however, I am lucky; it always comes back to love; for now.
May you always find your way to self-love.
I am learning that without self love, otherly love is not truly complete. The want of loving others is possible, however, to experience self love, I believe, there is a greater 'giving' that can be accomplished.
Sometimes they can bring me an adrenaline rush that is absolutely thrilling.
Sometimes they can be so out there that I cannot wrap my head around it.
Extremes in temperature can wreak havoc on our human bodies.
Extremes - no matter what they are - we can not obtain or survive in them except in short periods.
I think my health (mind, body, spirit) is in an extreme period currently. I'm waiting to see what happens while loving myself through. Well, I have to be honest - there are moments that the love turns to other things like loathing, frustration, anger; however, I am lucky; it always comes back to love; for now.
May you always find your way to self-love.
I am learning that without self love, otherly love is not truly complete. The want of loving others is possible, however, to experience self love, I believe, there is a greater 'giving' that can be accomplished.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Sticking Together
Would it all work out if we just all agree to make it work out; side by side and supportive through our truth. If we all just want to be noticed and loved, couldn't we make this happen?
Unhappy and Ashamed of It
I'm too unhappy and ashamed to post today. I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to be down and out. AND, I am.
I never know when I'll get sick again; if I will. I don't know what is going to break next in my home. I don't know what contractor I'll have to deal with next. I don't know what is around the corner.
I don't know.....
I feel almost completely out of control and I'm not liking it one bit. Do I want to feel differently ..... YOU BET.
I guess it will pass. Again, I have a 'session' at the doctors today. OOOOOO the more I feel like this, the more I usually get accomplished at the session.
I don't even want to go. I don't want to deal with or talk about what I am feeling. I want to 'choke' the doctor. (sorry, Dr.!)
I wonder what it really is that I want to choke - myself, just maybe.
What good will choking do? AND, I certainly feel this way in this moment.
No, oh la la. No, ha. No, nadda. No, lol.
How is this for truth? I don't even like admitting it to myself, let alone here. And, I started this. I will have "writer's block" (like I'm a writer...) until I release this.
Ouch, it hurts.
So, here it is. I feel like "have at it" should come next. Yet, in my head, I know there are wonderful, supportive people in my world that will do no such thing...
Oh, we pay the price for the greatness that is created by being human. Is it worth it. I believe it is.
How is your human worth doing today?
I never know when I'll get sick again; if I will. I don't know what is going to break next in my home. I don't know what contractor I'll have to deal with next. I don't know what is around the corner.
I don't know.....
I feel almost completely out of control and I'm not liking it one bit. Do I want to feel differently ..... YOU BET.
I guess it will pass. Again, I have a 'session' at the doctors today. OOOOOO the more I feel like this, the more I usually get accomplished at the session.
I don't even want to go. I don't want to deal with or talk about what I am feeling. I want to 'choke' the doctor. (sorry, Dr.!)
I wonder what it really is that I want to choke - myself, just maybe.
What good will choking do? AND, I certainly feel this way in this moment.
No, oh la la. No, ha. No, nadda. No, lol.
How is this for truth? I don't even like admitting it to myself, let alone here. And, I started this. I will have "writer's block" (like I'm a writer...) until I release this.
Ouch, it hurts.
So, here it is. I feel like "have at it" should come next. Yet, in my head, I know there are wonderful, supportive people in my world that will do no such thing...
Oh, we pay the price for the greatness that is created by being human. Is it worth it. I believe it is.
How is your human worth doing today?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Never Know What's Around the Corner
I never really know what is around the corner and what will happen next. I do know there is alot of great possibilities and, perhaps, some not so perfect.
I do know from past experience that no matter what is around the corner, I survive. I always survive. Most of us do.
We sometimes wonder how we do. We sometimes want things to last longer. And, whatever happens, it all passes and we all learn and move on.
So, whatever is around the corner for me tomorrow, I will be here to accept it, live it, and really enjoy every second or, at the very least, survive it or exist through it.
We humans - we survive. Sometimes we thrive, always survive and sometimes we just exist. Sometimes we really rock our lives.
It's all a part of living. It's all for us to experience. How fun and exciting it can be if I only let it.
May you allow your life to be full of fun and excitement today. May you wake up believing it's going to be a great day for you; that good things will happen.
I do know from past experience that no matter what is around the corner, I survive. I always survive. Most of us do.
We sometimes wonder how we do. We sometimes want things to last longer. And, whatever happens, it all passes and we all learn and move on.
So, whatever is around the corner for me tomorrow, I will be here to accept it, live it, and really enjoy every second or, at the very least, survive it or exist through it.
We humans - we survive. Sometimes we thrive, always survive and sometimes we just exist. Sometimes we really rock our lives.
It's all a part of living. It's all for us to experience. How fun and exciting it can be if I only let it.
May you allow your life to be full of fun and excitement today. May you wake up believing it's going to be a great day for you; that good things will happen.
Beauty of Nature
The beauty of nature is here for us all.
May you connect with the natural beauty that is around you today even if it is just walking on the earth. May you notice, connect and feel gratitude for it.
Holding on to Change
I feel alot of change around me and within me. I know it is good change. I know it is not most comforting right now. In fact, it is quite an oddness.
I want to allow and embrace this change and follow it through; honor it even.
May you know what is best for you deep down inside and allow it.
I want to allow and embrace this change and follow it through; honor it even.
May you know what is best for you deep down inside and allow it.
Nothing to Post
I've got nothing.
May a moment of 'nothingness' (you and your soul only) be a welcome in your world today.
May a moment of 'nothingness' (you and your soul only) be a welcome in your world today.
Getting Back on Track
My skin ulcers have calmed down and I'm starting to feel more myself and sleeping better and calmer. WOW, our bodies sure can 'talk' to us.
I can surely ignore this 'talking' for a long time. AND, it does get louder. I think I prefer to listen to the whispers and keep it easier and gentler on myself, if possible.
As I do feel like I'm getting back on track from before I had the painful days, I also feel that I'm traveling where I have never traveled before or, at the least, in a long, long time. I'm finding it hard to know what to say. I'm finding it hard to put into words. I'm not feeling much wisdom of myself outside of what I've written about or much current growth.
I have alot going on in my life with my family traveling to horse shows, purchasing a home in Florida, keeping up the home here, taking care of the animals. As I write this, it doesn't sound like a lot to me. Yet, it FEELS like alot. Mmmmm.
I'm just going to take it that if it feels like alot; then for now, it must be alot to me. Every day the contractors are still here (so it feels). Everyday I'm dealing with people (or my husband if truth be told) with people regarding the purchasing of the home in FL. It has been since February and we are finally getting close. Oh, the anticipation. It's a short sale and, well, let's just say I would have given up several months ago. It's craziness to me. This world has certainly changed in the real estate world. Let's be true - it's changed alot in many worlds.
Technology has far surpassed anything that I can imagine. Weather and traffic at a click of a button on TV. My car talks to me; I can pause regular TV; I can call my house on the telephone; I can carry thousands of books with me wherever I go easily; I can send a picture to you instanteously. WOW. I never thought I'd see the day. AND, it's here. Good, good stuff.
I just want to keep my human connection, along with these new connections. Is it possible. We will see, won't we.
So, as we go about our day today, may we be calm in learning all the new, quick 'stuff' that is available to us if we choose it. And, may we also go along our day sharing who we really are with each other.
If we can watch the TV screen and feel like we are in the same room with the people, surely we can be with each other and share the real us with them. It makes life much more interesting, don't you think?
May you honor what you feel today and be grateful for the goodness of this.
I can surely ignore this 'talking' for a long time. AND, it does get louder. I think I prefer to listen to the whispers and keep it easier and gentler on myself, if possible.
As I do feel like I'm getting back on track from before I had the painful days, I also feel that I'm traveling where I have never traveled before or, at the least, in a long, long time. I'm finding it hard to know what to say. I'm finding it hard to put into words. I'm not feeling much wisdom of myself outside of what I've written about or much current growth.
I have alot going on in my life with my family traveling to horse shows, purchasing a home in Florida, keeping up the home here, taking care of the animals. As I write this, it doesn't sound like a lot to me. Yet, it FEELS like alot. Mmmmm.
I'm just going to take it that if it feels like alot; then for now, it must be alot to me. Every day the contractors are still here (so it feels). Everyday I'm dealing with people (or my husband if truth be told) with people regarding the purchasing of the home in FL. It has been since February and we are finally getting close. Oh, the anticipation. It's a short sale and, well, let's just say I would have given up several months ago. It's craziness to me. This world has certainly changed in the real estate world. Let's be true - it's changed alot in many worlds.
Technology has far surpassed anything that I can imagine. Weather and traffic at a click of a button on TV. My car talks to me; I can pause regular TV; I can call my house on the telephone; I can carry thousands of books with me wherever I go easily; I can send a picture to you instanteously. WOW. I never thought I'd see the day. AND, it's here. Good, good stuff.
I just want to keep my human connection, along with these new connections. Is it possible. We will see, won't we.
So, as we go about our day today, may we be calm in learning all the new, quick 'stuff' that is available to us if we choose it. And, may we also go along our day sharing who we really are with each other.
If we can watch the TV screen and feel like we are in the same room with the people, surely we can be with each other and share the real us with them. It makes life much more interesting, don't you think?
May you honor what you feel today and be grateful for the goodness of this.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Hot Days; Fresh Start
May you 'clean your palette' and 'taste' something new today!
We are in a heat wave of high temperatures (closing in and around 100 deg F). Lazy Days of Summer for me. I love it so much more than 30 degrees. It calms my body. It sweats out the toxins which is great for the skin.
Whatever you are feeling today; may you accept it; allow it and move through it.
Honesty is Tough
I'm here feeling lost. Wanting to live a more full life and, yet, not wanting to do the work or expend the energy or make the effort.
How sad is that. To me...S A D.
Again. Still. It feels exactly where I need to be and I don't like it and it feels true. Very true.
I surely hope I wake up one day soon and feel differently - do differently - live differently. I know I am not ready in this moment. I know that I want to be ready.
Life is a road traveled; less traveled and not paved out yet...
I'm feeling I'm on the road not paved out yet. I must get to work in creating my new path. I guess, in reality, this is what I am doing.
What a great opportunity. What a lot of work. What a mess.
I WILL DO IT. I WILL SEE THE ROAD AHEAD and jump in my Lamborghini or Ferrari (in my dreams) and drive throwing caution to the wind with wild abandonment. Oh, it sounds like FUN.
Dare you throw caution to the wind and do it....do what you've been wanting to do forever and do it today?
oh la la
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My new Mercedes Flair!
How sad is that. To me...S A D.
Again. Still. It feels exactly where I need to be and I don't like it and it feels true. Very true.
I surely hope I wake up one day soon and feel differently - do differently - live differently. I know I am not ready in this moment. I know that I want to be ready.
Life is a road traveled; less traveled and not paved out yet...
I'm feeling I'm on the road not paved out yet. I must get to work in creating my new path. I guess, in reality, this is what I am doing.
What a great opportunity. What a lot of work. What a mess.
I WILL DO IT. I WILL SEE THE ROAD AHEAD and jump in my Lamborghini or Ferrari (in my dreams) and drive throwing caution to the wind with wild abandonment. Oh, it sounds like FUN.
Dare you throw caution to the wind and do it....do what you've been wanting to do forever and do it today?
oh la la
Monday, July 18, 2011
VERY TIRED
The pain is away again (I AM SO THANKFUL) and I am left completely exhausted. It was quite the battle of survival for four days because I didn't sleep, the pain was louder than anything and I was unable to walk comfortably.
Now, I just am tired. I am happy that the pain is gone. I am grateful. It didn't last. How lucky I am for this.
Just keep on truckin...... that's how I roll.....
Just being with where I'm at.
May you really experience and KNOW the joy in your life today. How lucky you are!
Now, I just am tired. I am happy that the pain is gone. I am grateful. It didn't last. How lucky I am for this.
Just keep on truckin...... that's how I roll.....
Just being with where I'm at.
May you really experience and KNOW the joy in your life today. How lucky you are!
No Words
I have no words for where I am. I have a bunch of 'letters' alive and trying to sort themselves in my head.... and I have no words.
Unsettling. Exciting.
I await the words....
(oh brother!)
Unsettling. Exciting.
I await the words....
(oh brother!)
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Slept All Day
Even the title bothers me....
After not sleeping well for the past four nights because of pain coming from ulcers on my toe and thumb; after the release of the infection and the throbbing settling down - I could not stay awake today. I slept beautifully.
Did it feel good - Oh yes. Was it the best thing for me - Oh yes.
AND, I do have some guilt around it and a small sense of uselessness. This is old stuff of mine. I know in my brain and my body that resting today was very healing and healthy for me.
I do have this old voice in my head saying 'what a wasted day - what are you lazy - can't you do better than this'...
I choose to tell that voice goodbye. I choose to tell that voice to stop, you are no longer (if you ever did) working for me.
I choose to know that I feel pretty darn good after a beautiful day of resting and getting stronger. I am grateful I was able to rest and make a reserve of energy within myself. I am happy that I did what I know is best for me AND I didn't hurt anyone. I hope not anyway.
May you know the difference between your helpful 'voices' and the 'voices' that no longer serve you in a positive light.
May you hear loud and clear the good sh**!
After not sleeping well for the past four nights because of pain coming from ulcers on my toe and thumb; after the release of the infection and the throbbing settling down - I could not stay awake today. I slept beautifully.
Did it feel good - Oh yes. Was it the best thing for me - Oh yes.
AND, I do have some guilt around it and a small sense of uselessness. This is old stuff of mine. I know in my brain and my body that resting today was very healing and healthy for me.
I do have this old voice in my head saying 'what a wasted day - what are you lazy - can't you do better than this'...
I choose to tell that voice goodbye. I choose to tell that voice to stop, you are no longer (if you ever did) working for me.
I choose to know that I feel pretty darn good after a beautiful day of resting and getting stronger. I am grateful I was able to rest and make a reserve of energy within myself. I am happy that I did what I know is best for me AND I didn't hurt anyone. I hope not anyway.
May you know the difference between your helpful 'voices' and the 'voices' that no longer serve you in a positive light.
May you hear loud and clear the good sh**!
Success
I made it to the party successfully. In fact, 5 miles from getting there, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" song came on. Cracked me up.
I got home and my toe finally "popped'. What a relief from the throbbing when (sorry) the pus came out from the ulcer.
It still hurts; the whole toe is red AND I've gotten some relief.
I am glad I pushed. Sometimes pushing is my answer... and sometimes Not to push is my answer.
Is it knowing when to push and when not to push that is the best 'answer' for me? Mmmmm
May you know when to push yourself and when not to push yourself today.
And, one mile from home the song "Freebird" from Lynyrd Skynrd came on the radio and this is my song with her the girlfriend who held the party... wowza. cool!
I got home and my toe finally "popped'. What a relief from the throbbing when (sorry) the pus came out from the ulcer.
It still hurts; the whole toe is red AND I've gotten some relief.
I am glad I pushed. Sometimes pushing is my answer... and sometimes Not to push is my answer.
Is it knowing when to push and when not to push that is the best 'answer' for me? Mmmmm
May you know when to push yourself and when not to push yourself today.
And, one mile from home the song "Freebird" from Lynyrd Skynrd came on the radio and this is my song with her the girlfriend who held the party... wowza. cool!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Party On
I am going to a party, two hours away by car. I am not in the best shape. Still hobbling, a bit of pain, not much sleep (but better than the past three nights).
I am going. I'm not sure I ever pushed this hard to go to a party. It is a friend's daughters graduation celebration. We have been very close friends since I was 14. I am 51.
So, I figure, better time than any to push really hard. It's a trial run.
Living through the pain and suffering. I believe this to be something really brave and really fun for me. I hope not stupid!
May you try something new today and may it bring you (and, perhaps, others) a 'rainbow'. (beauty and lots of color)
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I am going. I'm not sure I ever pushed this hard to go to a party. It is a friend's daughters graduation celebration. We have been very close friends since I was 14. I am 51.
So, I figure, better time than any to push really hard. It's a trial run.
Living through the pain and suffering. I believe this to be something really brave and really fun for me. I hope not stupid!
May you try something new today and may it bring you (and, perhaps, others) a 'rainbow'. (beauty and lots of color)
Friday, July 15, 2011
Not as Easy
I am having a very difficult time admitting and stating where I'm at. I'm struggling between professional and childish moments and everything in between.
I may be stuck on childish at this point.
I don't want to be where I'm at exactly. I don't want to have a swollen toe. I think it's 'childish' to be bothered by a swollen toe.
I don't want to be struggling whether I need or want to take pain medicine. I don't want to be in pain.
I want to be stronger than I am. I want to be healthier and happier than I am.
I'm feeling very childlike and I know that I'm fighting feeling how I feel. I'm not having an easy time accepting where I'm at today.
Oh. I'm mad that I have to learn a new way. I'm mad that I have to learn to think and act differently to create a different way of life for myself. I'm frustrated that I have to learn things that alot of people learn early on. And, I'm grateful that I am starting to open to learning whatever I need to in order to change and grow up some more. Boundaries are a tough one for me. Picking the best solution for myself doesn't come natural to me.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes." (anonymous) I want things to change without me changing. My head knows this is impossible. My body knows it is impossible. My spirit knows it is impossible. Yet, the child in me wants it to be possible. Is this what I would call 'stuck' or 'stalemate'.
"If you keep doing what you are doing, you will get the same result." I'm not liking this one right now.
"To Dream the Impossible Dream" (Man of LaMancha). Okay. It is time for me to change my dreams into the reality that I can create and live the life I want to live.
Good news is - I am the only one that can do this.
Bad news is - I am the only one that can do this.
How do I learn how to do this? Ha.
Courage to be the most true me I can be and show all of me. Now, that's a scary thought!
AND... I'm more ready than I ever was.
Are you ready to let loose all the aspects of YOU and be brave enough to play Show and Tell as an adult? ooooooo! scary, right?
I may be stuck on childish at this point.
I don't want to be where I'm at exactly. I don't want to have a swollen toe. I think it's 'childish' to be bothered by a swollen toe.
I don't want to be struggling whether I need or want to take pain medicine. I don't want to be in pain.
I want to be stronger than I am. I want to be healthier and happier than I am.
I'm feeling very childlike and I know that I'm fighting feeling how I feel. I'm not having an easy time accepting where I'm at today.
Oh. I'm mad that I have to learn a new way. I'm mad that I have to learn to think and act differently to create a different way of life for myself. I'm frustrated that I have to learn things that alot of people learn early on. And, I'm grateful that I am starting to open to learning whatever I need to in order to change and grow up some more. Boundaries are a tough one for me. Picking the best solution for myself doesn't come natural to me.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes." (anonymous) I want things to change without me changing. My head knows this is impossible. My body knows it is impossible. My spirit knows it is impossible. Yet, the child in me wants it to be possible. Is this what I would call 'stuck' or 'stalemate'.
"If you keep doing what you are doing, you will get the same result." I'm not liking this one right now.
"To Dream the Impossible Dream" (Man of LaMancha). Okay. It is time for me to change my dreams into the reality that I can create and live the life I want to live.
Good news is - I am the only one that can do this.
Bad news is - I am the only one that can do this.
How do I learn how to do this? Ha.
Courage to be the most true me I can be and show all of me. Now, that's a scary thought!
AND... I'm more ready than I ever was.
Are you ready to let loose all the aspects of YOU and be brave enough to play Show and Tell as an adult? ooooooo! scary, right?
Still Hanging On
Another not so great night last night. Oh, the pain. It is very unpleasant and frustrating. It takes almost everything from me.
It surely stops me in my tracks of my life and living.
I am just realizing that I am waiting to be healed to continue on and grow and live. What if I choose to live through it instead of just hanging on. Not sure this is a possibility for me. However, I won't know unless I try.
I sure don't feel like going out dancing, but maybe I don't have to stay in bed either. Perhaps, there is a middle road. I know there is alot of 'gray' matter.
In other words, life doesn't have to be just black or white. There is alot of gray in between the black and white. I want to find what works for me today.
Oh, the trials of our lives. They are talking to us.
I'm listening....
Are you choosing to listen and respond accordingly?
It surely stops me in my tracks of my life and living.
I am just realizing that I am waiting to be healed to continue on and grow and live. What if I choose to live through it instead of just hanging on. Not sure this is a possibility for me. However, I won't know unless I try.
I sure don't feel like going out dancing, but maybe I don't have to stay in bed either. Perhaps, there is a middle road. I know there is alot of 'gray' matter.
In other words, life doesn't have to be just black or white. There is alot of gray in between the black and white. I want to find what works for me today.
Oh, the trials of our lives. They are talking to us.
I'm listening....
Are you choosing to listen and respond accordingly?
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Stepping Backwards
Seems like my health has taken a step backwards. The ulcer on my toe is great pain and I am unable to sleep. I am sad that this is where I am at. I am hoping it's just stepping backwards a bit and I'm going to get back on the better path to a close healthy future.
I feel numb in my body again and my skin is tight and uncomfortable for my bones. I am living for 11:30 when I have my doctors appt. in hope we can come up with a solution and continue on my healing path.
It is hard to not be down and I've been here so many times before. I am telling myself THIS is no longer comfortable or acceptable for me.
I'm hobbling some because of my toe being swollen and in great sharp discomfort.
This too shall pass. It better.
May you know that we all move forward and we all step backwards in our journey. It is a part of being human.
May you trust that you are where you are supposed to be.
I want to accept and learn and move on to my happy... Yes, I have my 'happy' here with me now. I know it is a choice. Mmmmm Will I choose it.
I feel numb in my body again and my skin is tight and uncomfortable for my bones. I am living for 11:30 when I have my doctors appt. in hope we can come up with a solution and continue on my healing path.
It is hard to not be down and I've been here so many times before. I am telling myself THIS is no longer comfortable or acceptable for me.
I'm hobbling some because of my toe being swollen and in great sharp discomfort.
This too shall pass. It better.
May you know that we all move forward and we all step backwards in our journey. It is a part of being human.
May you trust that you are where you are supposed to be.
I want to accept and learn and move on to my happy... Yes, I have my 'happy' here with me now. I know it is a choice. Mmmmm Will I choose it.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
STOP
Too funny. I just posted the last blog on pain; listening to it and being ready to be rid of it....
And, I go into the TV room and I see on the screen "How to Get Your Body to Stop".
What a giggle I had!
Can't make this stuff up!
What if there were signs all around you to help you on your life path? Would you see them? Would you listen?
And, I go into the TV room and I see on the screen "How to Get Your Body to Stop".
What a giggle I had!
Can't make this stuff up!
What if there were signs all around you to help you on your life path? Would you see them? Would you listen?
Pain
After 30 years, I am still allowing myself to be amazed at how pain can make everything else about and in my life diminish. Pain can be louder than anything I know. It can get my attention like nothing else.
OK pain, I'm listening! Talk to me. Tell me what you need or want. Let's be done with you already.
I find it hard to focus on anything other than the throbbing, hurtfulness of pain. I know numbing it helps. I also (from my own experience only) know that numbing it doesn't get rid of it.
I'm ready to get rid of it. I want other things that are more fun and exciting and lovable to take precedence in my life.
I am being forced to find a new way. How exciting and scary at the same time.
If something is talking to you loudly or hitting you on the head, may you stop long enough to listen and incorporate change to diminish the pain of it. May you let it process through you instead of around you.
OK pain, I'm listening! Talk to me. Tell me what you need or want. Let's be done with you already.
I find it hard to focus on anything other than the throbbing, hurtfulness of pain. I know numbing it helps. I also (from my own experience only) know that numbing it doesn't get rid of it.
I'm ready to get rid of it. I want other things that are more fun and exciting and lovable to take precedence in my life.
I am being forced to find a new way. How exciting and scary at the same time.
If something is talking to you loudly or hitting you on the head, may you stop long enough to listen and incorporate change to diminish the pain of it. May you let it process through you instead of around you.
Interesting Awareness
I was writing about how simple tasks I am noticing are not too simple, at times.
Alot of things I've finding myself doing, there are issues around. Today something in my head told me (after hearing 'nothing is easy' from it) maybe this is supposed to slow me down. Make me take notice. Get my head in the game.
I worked on auto-pilot for so long. Going, going, going. Now when I realize the hose is stuck, I can't open the jug for the dishwashing soap, my computer won't send an e-mail; the timer won't work for the electrician; the Blu-Ray won't play the DVD.
Are these continuous wee 'problems' happening to wake me up even more. To keep me in the moment; in the present; in the now. It is working. First, I am finding myself frustrated and letting out little sounds of frustration. Then I wake up a bit more and realize how unimportant in the big picture of things. I find myself asking for help more quickly. And, I'm so lucky there are people around more than willing to help each other. We all just have to be open to it.
If I don't allow people to know what I need; how are they able to help me when willing. On the flip side, I love helping people and working together with someone to accomplish what seems to make us both feel more satisfied or happier.
If I do not now what I want, how am I going to get it.
May you know what you want today and put it out there in the universe. And, if right for you, ask for it.
The result may just surprise you.
Let's choose to help each other a bit more today (and accept help a bit more today) and create a better world for all. May we be aware of the 'need' around us and, if it feels right, fill it and/or allow it to be filled.
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Alot of things I've finding myself doing, there are issues around. Today something in my head told me (after hearing 'nothing is easy' from it) maybe this is supposed to slow me down. Make me take notice. Get my head in the game.
I worked on auto-pilot for so long. Going, going, going. Now when I realize the hose is stuck, I can't open the jug for the dishwashing soap, my computer won't send an e-mail; the timer won't work for the electrician; the Blu-Ray won't play the DVD.
Are these continuous wee 'problems' happening to wake me up even more. To keep me in the moment; in the present; in the now. It is working. First, I am finding myself frustrated and letting out little sounds of frustration. Then I wake up a bit more and realize how unimportant in the big picture of things. I find myself asking for help more quickly. And, I'm so lucky there are people around more than willing to help each other. We all just have to be open to it.
If I don't allow people to know what I need; how are they able to help me when willing. On the flip side, I love helping people and working together with someone to accomplish what seems to make us both feel more satisfied or happier.
If I do not now what I want, how am I going to get it.
May you know what you want today and put it out there in the universe. And, if right for you, ask for it.
The result may just surprise you.
Let's choose to help each other a bit more today (and accept help a bit more today) and create a better world for all. May we be aware of the 'need' around us and, if it feels right, fill it and/or allow it to be filled.
Not Alone
I realize I have really special people in my life and around me and the spirit of them always available. I know these people want me to heal and be happy and find my way. I FEEL their support, love and encouragement.
I am still doing one brave thing and one fun thing a day. The brave thing seems easier to me still. I'll be glad when the fun thing is easy too.
Two days ago I ran up the driveway (looong driveway) in the rain. What fun! I've danced a little belly dance; I've ran after my dogs; I've gone out to lunch on a whim; I've driven with the windows down and the music blasting; I've done some free weights; and I've gone to a play.
With everyday life and responsibility, I find the brave things just come. Going to do an errand I've been putting off; walking the dog when I know I will have to pull multiple ticks off him; talking to someone about something I've been putting off; accomplishing a task that is not a favorite of mine. I also went to the doctor for a cancer scan. When I go to the dentist, this will be a big, brave accomplishment! With my tiny mouth because of my tight skin, the dentist chair is not a place I strive to be. I actually dread it. My legs have been up in the air and tears running down my face. Not from the pain inside of my mouth; but from the pulling on my cheeks to get inside. Ugh. (enough of that)
All simple things, but for me, brave and/or fun none-the-less. Just going to the grocery store, which has always been a least favorite of mine, is now a bit harder because of my inability to pick things up with one hand easily or at all.
I am noticing the tasks in and outside of the house can be harder or impossible because of my hands. Opening a jar, opening a water bottle, pulling the hose, holding a glass - the most simple basic things... Not so simple.
AND, I know it could be worse. I believe we all live with something we'd rather not live with. This is mine; for now. I know I am not alone. This gives me strength, peace, support and a gratitude so deep ALMOST nothing else matters.
Thank you wonderful people for your support, encouragement, love, and smiles. Thank you for sharing your life, no matter how small, with me. And, the people who share their whole selves with me, WOW. Thank you. How lucky I am.
May you not be alone when you want people around you today. You have the power to make this happen, always.
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I am still doing one brave thing and one fun thing a day. The brave thing seems easier to me still. I'll be glad when the fun thing is easy too.
Two days ago I ran up the driveway (looong driveway) in the rain. What fun! I've danced a little belly dance; I've ran after my dogs; I've gone out to lunch on a whim; I've driven with the windows down and the music blasting; I've done some free weights; and I've gone to a play.
With everyday life and responsibility, I find the brave things just come. Going to do an errand I've been putting off; walking the dog when I know I will have to pull multiple ticks off him; talking to someone about something I've been putting off; accomplishing a task that is not a favorite of mine. I also went to the doctor for a cancer scan. When I go to the dentist, this will be a big, brave accomplishment! With my tiny mouth because of my tight skin, the dentist chair is not a place I strive to be. I actually dread it. My legs have been up in the air and tears running down my face. Not from the pain inside of my mouth; but from the pulling on my cheeks to get inside. Ugh. (enough of that)
All simple things, but for me, brave and/or fun none-the-less. Just going to the grocery store, which has always been a least favorite of mine, is now a bit harder because of my inability to pick things up with one hand easily or at all.
I am noticing the tasks in and outside of the house can be harder or impossible because of my hands. Opening a jar, opening a water bottle, pulling the hose, holding a glass - the most simple basic things... Not so simple.
AND, I know it could be worse. I believe we all live with something we'd rather not live with. This is mine; for now. I know I am not alone. This gives me strength, peace, support and a gratitude so deep ALMOST nothing else matters.
Thank you wonderful people for your support, encouragement, love, and smiles. Thank you for sharing your life, no matter how small, with me. And, the people who share their whole selves with me, WOW. Thank you. How lucky I am.
May you not be alone when you want people around you today. You have the power to make this happen, always.
Up at 3:50 a.m.
I've been up every hour since I feel asleep. I am awaken with a throbbing, feel like a knife is scraping my toe bone pain. How can something so small hurt so much. Oh, but it can.
I am down to 1.5 pain pills a day. This is good for me. No, this is great for me. I am now struggling to take a half of one or not. I was hoping this was behind me. It is not.
It is what it is. I believe I have no choice but to accept this and keep searching and praying for relief.
I think the good news is that I never really had ulcers in the summer. Does this mean I will have less in the winter. Am I deluding myself.
Pain can bring up alot of 'stuff' for me. Anger is a prominent emotion right now. Frustration is sitting here as well. Sadness is tweaking a bit. Great strength is standing inside the door, so to speak.
Give up. No way.
Carry on and pay attention to what is. This is where I'm at currently. I am grateful I am choosing to pay attention to what my body is saying instead of ignoring and carrying on as my mind has always had me do. It's time to try something new.
Give myself what I need. I do know what that is; most of the time. I honor this part of my knowing today.
May you honor the part of your knowing that wants your attention the most today.
I am down to 1.5 pain pills a day. This is good for me. No, this is great for me. I am now struggling to take a half of one or not. I was hoping this was behind me. It is not.
It is what it is. I believe I have no choice but to accept this and keep searching and praying for relief.
I think the good news is that I never really had ulcers in the summer. Does this mean I will have less in the winter. Am I deluding myself.
Pain can bring up alot of 'stuff' for me. Anger is a prominent emotion right now. Frustration is sitting here as well. Sadness is tweaking a bit. Great strength is standing inside the door, so to speak.
Give up. No way.
Carry on and pay attention to what is. This is where I'm at currently. I am grateful I am choosing to pay attention to what my body is saying instead of ignoring and carrying on as my mind has always had me do. It's time to try something new.
Give myself what I need. I do know what that is; most of the time. I honor this part of my knowing today.
May you honor the part of your knowing that wants your attention the most today.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Honest Conversation
I find that to truly voice my thoughts and feelings toward someone is scary. It makes me vulnerable. They could leave me is one of the first thoughts that comes to mind. I also do not want to hurt anyone.
Where would I be without these thoughts. Dare I believe that the only way for me to live fully is to be open and honest about my thoughts and feelings. How do I not guard myself and know I am safe. To believe that most people will not leave me, if any. And, sometimes it brings me closer to others.
Ohhhh, scary and daring!
May I suggest to share your truth; the people that are truly important and productive in your life will want to hear it.
Where would I be without these thoughts. Dare I believe that the only way for me to live fully is to be open and honest about my thoughts and feelings. How do I not guard myself and know I am safe. To believe that most people will not leave me, if any. And, sometimes it brings me closer to others.
Ohhhh, scary and daring!
May I suggest to share your truth; the people that are truly important and productive in your life will want to hear it.
Something's Happened
I don't know why, but I have two sores that are throbbing, painful and pretty annoying. One on my thumb and one on a toe.
I am sad. I am tired. Here I go again.
I have been taken very low does of progesterone for a week. This is the only thing that has changed. I'll head to the doctor to see what she thinks.
Only God knows for sure. I don't like it. I'm not a happy camper.
I am beat up. I'll go on.
May you listen to your needs and give yourself what you can. It's truly the best way to go.
I am sad. I am tired. Here I go again.
I have been taken very low does of progesterone for a week. This is the only thing that has changed. I'll head to the doctor to see what she thinks.
Only God knows for sure. I don't like it. I'm not a happy camper.
I am beat up. I'll go on.
May you listen to your needs and give yourself what you can. It's truly the best way to go.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Opportunity or Hell
So much is on my mind. I'm trying to use baby steps to move forward.
I am also trying to be open, true, trusting and hopeful.
So much can weigh me down so easily today.
Life is throwing so much opportunity for change at us. At ME, I know for sure. I'm thinking that alot of us are feeling LIFE more strongly, perhaps with more awareness. Or at the very least, we have many different issues today then we did at other times in our lives.
Is change being forced upon us?
If life is throwing things at you that you'd rather not catch, my hope is that you feel it to be an opportunity more than a hell.
You got this. Have faith and come on out and Just Be U.
ImPerfec 1
Confusion and Uncertainty
Confusion and uncertainty is upon me. This rewiring of one's self is not easy. There is great resistance. There is great hope.
And, to try to continue to do everyday things is quite the challenge for me.
I have to completely trust in the process of life and in myself. There is a part of me holding on to fear. It's almost as if it's just the old habit and, even though I don't like it, there is this part of me that is most comfortable with it.
I'm not happy with the way I do or think this (and that), yet, my stubborness in me doesn't want to have to do it differently.
What?????
I sit in confusion and uncertainty today. I am excited and okay with it. I cannot say I am stuck. This is the good news.
Are you able to just be with what is truly inside of you today?
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A stained glass window at Tavern on the Green in NYC, NY, USA
when it was Tavern on the Green Restaurant
And, to try to continue to do everyday things is quite the challenge for me.
I have to completely trust in the process of life and in myself. There is a part of me holding on to fear. It's almost as if it's just the old habit and, even though I don't like it, there is this part of me that is most comfortable with it.
I'm not happy with the way I do or think this (and that), yet, my stubborness in me doesn't want to have to do it differently.
What?????
I sit in confusion and uncertainty today. I am excited and okay with it. I cannot say I am stuck. This is the good news.
Are you able to just be with what is truly inside of you today?
when it was Tavern on the Green Restaurant
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