Mere Fact (the way I see it)

This tooth that is wanting my attention so loudly now is a tooth that was injured when a sixth grade girl slapped me across my face in school.  She was a neighbor and a 'friend'.  It was my first year at 'her' school and I think that maybe she felt like I was intruding on her life; and because I was the new girl, I got a lot of attention - not to mention my inner and outer beauty.  Ha!  It was my first experience with public school after my dad left us. 

I think her mom slapped her around a lot; hence, the slap to me.  Very sad.

It's interesting that this experience is still with me.  It's more interesting why it would be here now.   Mmmmm.   Another puzzle to put together -- a feeling to explore?

May you deal with what comes your way today by 'exploring' it if you choose.  Of course, another choice on how to deal with things, is NOT dealing with things.

Where are you at today?

Life is A Hoot?

So, I get to the dentist with my wimpy self and strong self --- if I wasn't strong - I wouldn't be there....believe you me!

Anyhow, I get to the dentist and he tells me I have to get this front tooth pulled.  This tooth has had root canal; apecoectomy (An apecoectomy is necessary when the root of a tooth gets infected after a root canal. They open up the gums to get to the root and clean out the infection) and now it is still decaying.   Oh, yuck!  He gives me my options of a bridge or an implant and with my not so healthy skin - I'm thinking bridge.  But, to get the impression tray in my mouth.  Well, we had to be creative.  No way was the tray itself going in.  He made a plate-like device and we used this.

He does tell me I have one more cavity and he will do this next time.  I check out and pay and as I am putting my hand on the door handle, I hear my name being called.  It just so happens that the doctors next appointment has cancelled and they can do my cavity now.  If this is my 'good luck' for the day, I'm thinking I'm in trouble..

The dentist is brilliant; I've known him for 30 years plus and he has helped me and he says he feels like he has to turn himself 'into a pretzel' to get into my mouth.  Poor guy.  Poor me.

Anyway, we get the job done and I'm outta there.  Now, I'm feeling sorry for myself and have to get my head around another tooth pull. 

I swear my day felt like 'pulling teeth'.   LOL (sort of?) 

May you find the humor in your 'pulling teeth' moments when possible and know that getting upset, angry or nasty does nothing to change the outcome.  If it feels good to release some negative feelings, may you do it in a way that hurts noone including and especially yourself and/or others.  (like screaming on the top of your lungs in the car alone, hitting and kicking on the bed, exercising, boxing - you know - FUN stuff).

Appointment

I made the 'dreaded' dentist appointment.  My poor dentist is probably 'dreading' now!  I can do this.  I can do this.  I will do this and all will be well.

I can only hope.

If you are not where you want to be; may you 'see' yourself where you want to be.

                                             Anywhere Palm Trees Grow; I 'grow' best.

Toothache

I got my tooth pulled last week and survived it and did good.  Both, the dentist and myself did real good.

Now, I am feeling pain in the mouth and either that movement or something has decided to create pain, swelling and discomfort for me.

I HAVE to call the dentist and make an appointment again.   Oooops.  Here I sit trying to talk myself out of the fear and into just doing it and walking through the great fear of it.  Amazing.

I tell myself that it wasn't bad at all last week.  I tell myself that these professionals care and know what they are doing.  I tell myself that I will survive.  I also re-live the many times of struggle and discomfort I went through sitting in the chair.  What a mess my head creates for me.

"Don't believe everything you think."  Wayne Dwyer    (pretty funny and true stuff)

I wonder how long I'll allow myself to suffer before opening the door and walking through to the other side to having this work behind me and knowing peace again.

Crazy human mind.  Fear    Forever Exhausting; Annoying and Repetitive because I let it be.

Need to live the Nike motto now:  Just do it.!

May you just do one thing that you've been putting off to get it behind you today.

I have experienced again and again that the thought of it can actually be worse than living the actual situation.

Nothing FUNNY here.

InBetween

Not asleep; and yet not awake.  My most favorite place to know peace, tranquility and the beauty of me. 
There is a lot to be learned here in this 'state'. 

Perhaps, it is this balance of using one's intellect and one's inner knowing that I can find my wholeness.   Mmmmmm.

Intellect and/or Intuition

From the book "Dreaming of You" (Lisa Kleypas)

"Perry would condemn her for such behavior.  He was of the old school, believing that natural feelings and animal urges should be strictly governed, never to take precedence over the intellect."

I am, hopefully, learning to use both God given talents; my brain and my inner knowing.  What a concept for me!

May you use your intelligence and your inner knowing together today and find brilliance!
                                   

                                                          missouriskies.com

Gallivanting

When I was a teenager; I'd always hear my step father stating loudly that 'there she goes again'; 'out gallivanting'.  I always thought this was a bad thing.  A nasty thing even; the way I heard it coming out of his mouth - this is what I 'read' it to be.

While reading a Lisa Kleypas book last night, the word 'gallivanting' came in a sentence.  She is very entertaining with words.   I stopped and looked up the word gallivanting.

Gallivant (Kindle dictionary)
informal  go around from one place to another in the pursuit of pleasure or entertainment

How lucky I was to just be out and about gallivanting.  I wish I was gallivanting right now!  I'm sure glad I did it then! 

May you gallivant daily. 

Hands

My hands are very swollen and stiff and sore.  I find it hard to type. 

I am uncertain as to my next step and do not like being 'here'. 

I hear my brain wanting to say 'I'm tired of struggling'.  I see my fingers not wanting to type this information.  I feel my body struggling with the struggle.

What if I just stop the struggle.  What if I just go with it.  I've been saying accept what is for some time now.  I hear George Lucas' wife Melanie (on one of  "Oprah's Next Chapter" shows on OWN) say she has started  "accepting life as it comes and not pushing back".  I found this a pretty interesting concept; don't push back against what is.

My pain level in my hands is pretty high.  The pain level in my body is 75% of what I feel in my fingers. 

I'm tired; I'm still wanting it to be different.  Some days I push forward; others I sit with it. 

I do trust that I'm where I'm supposed to be and I'm not going to give up finding my happiness where I am.

May you connect to your happy as you are in this moment. 

The Moon

In my very favorite Tarot Card book "The Alchemical Tarot" by Rosemary Ellen Guiley and Robert M. Place, "The Moon" card is a picture of a light haired lady holding the moon and fire and animals around her.  She has clouds, mountains and water behind her and underneath her is green grass.   This picture is comforting to me.  It has cancer the crab above her in the corner.  This is my husbands astrological sign.  It states that on the card "what is missing is the masculine seed"; the moon is waiting for the sun to make stone.  (whatever that means)

The Tarot Wisdom is:
"The Moon represents the night before the dawn.  It is a time of patience, rest and reflection, in which the soft energies of the moon compel us to enter the waters of the unconscious, the heart of the mystery.   As the embodiment of the white stone, the Moon represents a level of mastery in which we are in control of our actions, because we are conscious of psychological influences which remain unconscious to others.  We have been purified, and now enjoy freedom of choice in our activities and patient acceptance of the activities of others.  As it say in the I Ching, 'strength is on the inside, and glad acceptance is on the outside'.  However, at this level there can be a coldness or flattening of the emotions, because we still need to fully integrate our libido; and so we wait for dawn."

libido (dictionary.com)

1.  Psychoanalysis . all of the instinctual energies and desires that are derived from the id.

2.  sexual instinct or sexual drive

id (dictionary.com)
the part of the psyche, residing in the unconscious, that is the source of instinctive impulses that seek satisfaction in accordance with the pleasure principle and are modified by the ego and the superego before they are given overt expression

Is it time to sometimes let go of our ego/superego and allow our instinctive impulses freedom to come into fruition?

May you let the ego rest today and allow your impulses to lead the way into a moment that will give you total joy forever and send this joy outward. 

More?

"What is his goal?  What does he ultimately want?"  Worthy smiled faintly.  "I can tell you in a word.  More.  He's never satisfied."

May you know satisfaction today.

Quote from the book "Dreaming of You" by Lisa Kleypas

Relationship Work

I'm going to try this and while hearing it from Dr. Phil and reading it in Lisa Niemi Swazye and Patrick Swayze's book "The Time of My Life".... I figured it was a sure message for me to try it.  Another fun 'game'! (?)

"We started talking, really talking, like we hadn't done in years.  When two people are at odds, sometimes the hardest thing to do is decide who will step through the door first to try to repair things.  Too often, one person is ready to go but the other isn't." .....

"And at her suggestion, we each wrote "I will forget the past" ten times on a piece of paper, then buried those papers under an avocado tree in our yard.  It was time for a fresh start." 

And Dr. Phil suggests to communicate three questions and answers with each other. 

What would you like me to do that I am not doing?

What would you like me to stop doing that hurts you terribly?

What do I do that you really like and appreciate and creates the feeling of love for you?

Dr. Phil suggests for each person to ask this and answer it for themselves with each other and see how you feel afterwards.   I already feel better knowing I have these brilliant tools.  Thank you.

OH, I am going to have fun now.

And, I think letting go of the past hurt would be huge to move on and to be able to love with abandon again.   I will write this and I most likely will burn the paper and watch my hurt and pain and any trust issues go up in smoke.

I am definitely worth the effort!

Are you?  I think you are!

Patrick Swayze and Lisa Niemi Swayze on Being Human

I do believe that Mr. & Mrs. Swayze just may have been more beautiful on the inside than on the outside during many moments of their 30 plus years together AND that is saying a lot!

Quotes from their book "The Time of My Life"

"And we decided to focus more on the things that made us happy, rather than the things that ended up controlling our lives instead of enriching them."

"As high as my career had soared with the success of Dirty Dancing and Ghost, it just felt that much worse to be back struggling again.  Earlier in my life, I had made it through difficult times by always focusing on the next dream.  From football to gymnastics to dancing to acting, I always was able to throw myself fully into my next goal, and keep myself going.  I never doubted that there was something great around the corner, and I never tired of pushing myself toward it.  But now I was starting to feel not just tired, but disillusioned, too.  Had all this effort and pain been worth it?  Had I created anything of value?  As my relationship with Lisa frayed from the stress of constantly trying to prove myself, and struggling with feelings of never being quite good enough, I wondered if I had been focusing on the wrong things all along, to the detriment of what really mattered in life."

"I had always felt like a lucky person, but that was being replaced by another feeling:  that life wasn't ultimately going to work out the way I'd always thought it would.  It felt like this was what real life was--that I was finally growing up and facing the truth, and the truth was ugly."

"We were quickly becoming like a couple of rowboats lost in the ocean, looking around for the safety of land but seeing only endless depths ready to swallow us up."

"For years I had been dealing with my demons--feelings of inadequacy, voices trying to undercut me, fears that I was never good enough.  The natural instinct is to push them away or ignore them, but the truth is, they always come back."

"I found levels of bottom that I didn't even know existed.  It wasn't just about drinking, it was about allowing myself to go to these darkest places, allowing myself to feel all the fear and anger and despair that most people spend lifetimes pushing away."

What courage; bravery and the ultimate gift of truth they share with their reader.

May you be open to sharing your gift of truth today; a loud truth that is beating inside of you to come out, perhaps. 

Brighter

"Any time I'm up in a saddle, the world around me just looks brighter."  Patrick Swayze

Any time I'm moving to music, my world is brighter.

What makes your world brighter?  Are you doing it enough?

Pain?

"Pain is nothing more than a sensation, and you can choose to give in to it, or choose to control it.  Its how I managed to sustain my career for this long, and even how I've managed to fight cancer.  Pain, like fear, can even be your friend if you let it.  It sharpens our focus, and lets you know you're alive."

From the book, "The Time of My Life" by Patrick Swayze and Lisa Niemi Swayze

I'd like to add that pain can teach us and guide us into the person we are supposed to become, perhaps, as well.  Pain is a great teacher.

What is your pain teaching you today; are you listening?

Falling Back

I'm falling back into pain and my body is screaming and tense for some reason.  I am angry that I have to go 'here'.  I'm been resisting posting because I'm tired of whining about my pain in my body and fingers.  I am on the downward cycle of my progesterone. 

The dentist was a 'piece of cake' compared to the agonizing moments I spent with it in my head.  15 minutes and it was over.  4 novocaine needles and a few tears and some pulling on my mouth and wooola; over.  It was pretty amazing and I did beat myself for torturing myself and not just walking thru the fear and facing it head on.   In hindsight; that would have been so much less tortorous.

Live and learn I suppose.  I would think by now; it would be easier at age 51.  And, it's not for me; so I keep on keeping on.  I pray it will become easier and I'll do less harm and love myself with more warmth and 'kind mothering' sooner rather than later.

How are you treating yourself today?  How are you talking to yourself today?

                                    I'm a 'wanna be' today - I want to be HERE.  (St. Croix)

Not A Lot to Say

UhOh, Usually when I say this, I find these are my longer posts.  I haven't written in the early morning hours in quite a while; thought I'd give it a shot.

I have one sore on my finger and it's not horrible, but I cannot use it to type.  Life still seems somewhat chaotic and the chance to grow is readily and very available.  How exciting and how tiring it can be!

The snow is all melted and the ground is very wet.  The air is fresh and alive and it doesn't feel like the dead of winter.  The weather is as chaotic as the world around me.

There is much stability as well.  My husband worksand creates; my daughter does school and rides; I continue to be the hub of great friendships; mainstay for the home and all it's varied nuances, surprises and joys and on this journey to live the truest of true self.

I find when I get nervous, anxious or hazy, all I need to do is state my goal in the moment and it grounds me and gives me clarity if only for a while.

May you have clarity as you continue on and with your goal(s) today.

                                         Picture sent to me from Ocala, FL, USA

Spinning

My head is spinning with a lot of new and different challenges.  From gathering college information; to husband traveling more; to just little issues and broken down appliances; to teeth problems.....

Hey, I'm living my life.  I want to balance it some with fun, however, it doesn't seem to be easily acquired just now.  Fun seems to be looming just on the outside of my life circumference that just is out of reach to me just now.  It's there..... Oh, I know it's there - I just can't seem to grasp it.  And, it makes me soooo mad.  lol

My aunt is in the hospital and life just keeps on teaching me; sending me and affording me the opportunity of such growth.  I just can't seem to keep up with it all.  Quite the challenge just now.

Again, what a great opportunity to grow, create and shape the life that I want for myself.  It's right here at my fingertips; just have to play it best with what I know and the experiences I am in.

May you shape your life into the life you know that is best for you because you feel it to be so.

Friends

Talking with my friends as they tell me to "just be" and "use everything you have learned" and "allow yourself to be where you are"; I am connecting to guilt and fear.  It is very much on the surface of my being.  I wonder where it is coming from.   I wonder why it's so prevalent now.  I wonder how the heck I can get rid of it now.

I know a lot of kids from my generation were led and guilted into doing it their parents way.  If some parents didn't understand where their kid was coming from; they would shut us down or tell us 'kids should be seen and not heard'.  Kids didn't have a whole lot of input in the 60's and 70's. 

A lot of us found our 'input' during the 70s and 80s when we flew and ventured out and grew to become successful adults with much ambition stored up and 'exhaled' when we were finally able to do so.  Yes, I am talking about me....but; anyone else feel this as true?  lol

The guilt that held me back and made me worried to please my elders; I think, is the guilt that I'm experiencing today.  Oh, it feels ugly.  It doesn't feel like it's me or that it's best for me to own it.  How do I not own what I've always held. 

With it knocking so strongly at my door - feels like an "Incredible Hulk" situation; how do I turn it away and help it to dissipate and make it not a part of me anymore.  How do I allow it to melt into the snow and drift down the driveway out into the street and into the drains that flow out into the bigger waters.  (to, of course, turn into just energy that someone can pick up as good, positive energy).  that's a lot of flowing!

How do I process it and let it go.  Which tool is best used for this.  Nothing's coming to me at the moment.  I feel it in my shoulders, my fingers, my face.  I feel this nasty darkness throughout my brain and encircling my shoulders, neck and head. 

Ok, so I imagine a white soft and warm light overpowering this darkness and entering into my ears, eyes, nose, mouth.  It takes the tightness, the shut down world that is inside of my head and I breathe in more light, more white, soft and warm energy.    I close my eyes and see the brightness.  I feel my very cold tip of my nose and I know that I am home.    I know that this is not my guilt to carry anymore.  I type as I have my eyes closed.  I move my shoulders and hear clicking.  I swing my head and neck and ask God to take this burden from me and to provide me with my way through him.  I notice the weight in my stomach.  I breathe into my belly.  I feel the heat of my body.  I feel the cold extremities fighting to hang and hold on.  I want the warmth to win out.  I want the cold inside of me to go away.  I want the hurt to not matter.  I want the healing to be now.  I want my truth to shine bright.  I need to live as I am.  I bow my head low; I let my head be heavy.   I continue to breath into my belly.  I notice a breeze on my toes.  I feel myself grow large.  I feel like the Beast from "Beauty and the Beast".  My teeth tingle.  I stretch my legs forward.  I wiggle my toes.  My eyes have been closed this whole time.

I am ready to move on.  Ready to not know guilt unless I do something to intentionally hurt someone else.  If this is not the case; I no longer allow guilt to enter my soul; my cells, my being.  I will no longer succumb to the habit of my guilt leading the way. 

I am led now by my light; my truth, my God.  I am led into the beauty of what is.  The beauty of acceptance and the beauty that is within me.  I am here to love; share love, give love and be love.  I am here just because I am here.  I am here as I am in this moment.  I am here.  It is all that matters.  I am here.

Where are you?  I raise my face up to the heavens.  Eyes still closed.  I breathe in big.   I feel a pain at the base of my head.  I roll it out and away from myself. 

I am here to honor all of the living.  I am here to be a part of all of the living.  I am here to trust why I am here; to live why I am here and to have an openness that no one can close by their actions or by my fear anymore.  I am open and I become the incredible hulk.  But I am the colors of all of the rainbows and all of the waters and all of the flowers.  I am one with color; one with the sky; one with the ocean; one with the ground; one with the stars and one with you.  We are all one at the bottomless pit of humanness.  If we can all meet here; we will KNOW what we have never KNOWN before.

I open my eyes and I think I am nuts and my head is relaxed and big and I know not where I'm from; not where I'm going.... I only know that I am.

May you know that you are.

I won't have any friends after this.....

Am I just waking up from somewhere I've never been before?  I have not a clue.

Wonder if we all just let our imaginations fly and live and breathe and be ....  scares me to even think what world we would create.   But, just maybe this IS the world we are supposed to create into.

I say RUN, Run now while we can.....  Ha.   (can't wait to read this one over)!!!!!!

What happens next.   How exciting and crazy and scary and great.

I've got to walk away from the computer and come back later....  A lot of pent up energy here.

-------
Do I dare to hit 'publish' for this.....

Dentist Ugh

Tomorrow I go in to get a tooth pulled.  With my small mouth; it can be quite a challenge for everyone involved.

See what happens.  I pray for smooth sailing; or should I say smooth pulling.

May you envision something you do not enjoy to be more okay that you currently anticipate AND  may  it  be  so.

Snow It Did

3 inches.  Not much at all.  Just enough to be a nuisance;.... I mean to look beautiful.  Ha.

I'm miserable and cold and dreary and dark.  My hands hurt and it is just 26 deg. F.  There's a calmness when I open the front door and peer out.  It's nice walking in it (although I don't anymore) and then coming in from the cold and feeling the fire and have a cup of hot chocolate.  There is really something alive and invigorating about this.

I am reminded of a time that I was at someone's house in my early 20s and we would sit in the hot sauna and then jump in a cool pool.  The difference in temperature was quite a shock to the body.  That was probably not a very smart thing for me to do having raynauds and scleroderma (the raynauds is the effect of the cold on me; the purplish, stop the circulation symptom).  I did a lot of 'not smart' things in my early years.  But, I lived.   Or, did I?

What is "living"?  We breathe and our hearts pump; is this being alive?  We love and we banter; is this being alive?  We explore and we conquer; is this more like it?  We enjoy and we share; is this most important?

What does being alive and feeling alive mean to you in this stage of your life?  Are you doing it?  Is there one small thing you can today to bring you closer to the you that you want to live? 

Hanging Out

Snow is possibly on its way for the first time this year.  Not much; just a couple of inches.  The beauty of snow falling and making every thing white is enjoyable to me.  As a child, I would be out there for hours building snowmen, having snowball fights, building forts; and making snow angels.  We got to be pretty good at it; all the kids from the neighborhood.

When 'they called' for snow; I got pretty excited getting up every so often during the night to see how much was laying on the ground and praying that there would be no school!  I'd look up at the streetlight and watch it come down.

I didn't worry about shoveling; although I helped.  I didn't worry about slipping and sliding; I looked forward to it.

It wasn't until I was in 10th grade that I started realizing that my fingers hurt terribly in school during the winter months.  Then, however, I thought it was normal and every one else must be feeling the same thing.  Youth, right?

So, here I am in January in Northeastern Pennslvania,  for the first time in probably over 20 years, waiting to see if it's going to snow.  If it doesn't, I'll be heading up to the Pocono Mountain area to visit my aunt.  If it does, it's kinda cool.  (i'm trying here)

Of course, a path for the dogs will have to be made as well; depending on the depth of the snow. 

I am very fortunate I don't have to do it.  I don't think that would work out too good. 

I am finding that I can go out and not suffer immediately.  I can be out there and it not bother me immediately.  I am grateful for this.  However, it is not long before my nose is ice cold and my fingers are burning and numb and my whole body starts to shiver and I run back inside (unfortunately less than 7 minutes or so; but it is not upon stepping out like it has been previously)  I do love walking on the hard ground.  I do love breathing in the air.  I feel sorry for the poor fish stagnant in the freezing water.  There is a bubbler in there to keep air  in the winter and so that it doesn't freeze solid.  They surely don't move much.  It's amazing how they survive.  Nature; it can be such an unknown, beautiful, mysterious, and breathtaking thing.  It surely is a gift to connect to and watch.

It's not always great to be in the middle of it.  On the other hand, however, it can be so awesome to be right in the middle of it.  Just like our lives, I suppose.

So, next time you find your self 'hanging out'...

My wish is that you enjoy yourself right where you are. 

                                                  Sent to me in an email.

Turmoil

"Oscar Wilde:  "Life is too important to be taken seriously."  And then, a quotation of Johnny Castle's from Patrick's movie Dirty Dancing, "The steps aren't enough--feel the music.""
From the book "Worth Fighting For" by Lisa Niemi Swayze

I am feeling the music; it's the steps I am not sure of.  When I get stuck, I get stuck good.

I know where my love lies.  I know what I'm good at.  How do I get from knowing to doing.  The biggest thing holding me back is me.

At my doctor's appointment yesterday, he suggested that I see how long I can stay in bed without having to get up.  This thought alone gives me stress!  I've been in bed a lot these last two years.  I'm still there.  I get up and do something(s) and then I'm back in.  He suggests that I am getting up because I think I have to.  I do wonder how I can be so stressed just being in bed. 

I feel like I'm ME now.  AND, I am questioning how to be ME in the world.  Last time I was in the world 'playing', working, travelling, experiencing; I was me with my ability to hide my pain and hurt because of the scleroderma.  Now, I'm ready to be me and show all of me and yet it scares me A LOT and it is like going out in the world like a new born but with a lot of information, an able brain to think and communicate, experiences from the past and (the good news) lots and lots and lots of 'tools'. 

I'm wondering when I will be ready.

Are you ready to be and share all of you?

We all have good, bad, ugly and beautiful.  Or is this just being human and we don't have to label any of it....

I used to say 'we all have our burden and this is just mine'.  In truth, I wouldn't know how to have other people's burdens, would you? 

Although, currently and apparently, I do not know how to have my own!  So, I'm here trying to accept it and I'M GOING TO WIN.

Nervous Wreck

I am a bunch of nerves.  Nerves of adrenaline; nerves of anxiousness; nerves of the unknown; nerves of the known.   I'm playing with a lot of nerves currently.  I cannot seem to turn them off or even calm them down much.

I used to be able to count my breaths (an in and out breath being one, another in and out breath being two and so on).  I can't get up to three just now without my mind wandering away from my breathing.

I'm feeling like I am in limbo.  I seem to have fear around it.  Fear that I won't be able; fear that I will be able; fear, fear and fear.

In Patrick and Lisa Swayze's book "The Time of My Life", Patrick says he learned early on that to walk through fear usually gives one success on the other side of it.  As he put it "I suddenly understood that you can conquer fear by making it work for you."  I am not quite there yet!

Patrick also writes  "But I somehow knew instinctively that when one dream dies, you have to move on to a new one.  The unhappiest people in this world are those who can't recover from losing a dream--whose lives cease to have meaning.  I wasn't going to let that happen to me.  It was a revelation that would later save my life."

I'm thinking I have almost completed my dream of raising a child; and I'm stuck between this and what I am going to do next.  He is correct in thinking the unhappiest people are those that believe they cease to have meaning.

I know we all have meaning.  I believe we are here because of this meaning.  Allowing myself to live mine; or not allowing myself to live mine (more truthful) because of fear is not working for me. 

My hope is that you are living your life today. 

The Emperor

From the book "The Alchemical Tarot" by Rosemary Ellen Guiley and Robert M. Place

"The Emperor"

"The Emperor keeps our feet on the ground and stabilizes us.  He establishes his firm domain over the physical realm, ruling with thought and intelligence.  Yet he is linked to the otherworldly dimensions that must be traversed not in body but in spirit.  He keeps us anchored while we penetrate those uncertain frontiers, giving us a lifeline before we feel ready to let loose our earthly bonds and fly."

Are you allowing your spirit to soar?

Darkness of Winter

I am in the darkness of winter.  Not sure if it's mine or the world's or the weather.   I'm betting all three.

God only knows what direction I go from here.  I trust that I will go in the best direction for me at this time of my life.

I know there is a lot of great fun and enjoyable experiences out there to be had.  I'm wondering if I want to be a part of them and which ones.

Just finished Lisa Niemi Swayze's book, "Worth Fighting For".  So human; so real; so triumphant; such fighters.   I cried when I finished the last line.   Powerful to me.  A true story of humanness.  Thank you.

I have not read "The Time of My Life" by Mr. and Mrs. Swayze.  I now look forward to it.

Right now; in this moment - this is 'the time' in our own lives.  This time will never come again.

What great fun and enjoyable experiences do you want to partake in?  Create may be a better word.

Notice

Beauty is everywhere; we only need to notice.

Are you noticing?

Good

Today is a good day.  I do not know why; I just feel it's possibilities.

Are you ready to let today be a good day?

Blessings to Martin Luther King Day

“I have decided to stick to love...Hate is too great a burden to bear.”

"If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward."

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

         The above quotes are from Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you allowed yourself to dream big, what would you be dreaming?

"If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it."  William Arthur Ward

Where I'm At

I am kind of 'no where'.  I'm not (by far) a stay at home mom and house manager these days.  My daughter does not need me like she did and I'm real tired of managing a somewhat large and, surely, not self-sustaining home.

I'm not out and about loving and living life (by far; as well).

I'm wondering what will make me happy and what I need to do to create this happiness.  I know only I can do it for me.  I'm hopeful (for the most part). 

My health scares me and I'm not going to let it stop me.  It was easier in the past; but these past two years of going inward and getting quiet and laying low --   oh my oh my oh my.

I see things differently.  I do things differently.  I know things differently.  I am different.

It's what I do with this different me that is keeping me currently stumped.

I'm ready to move on and get on and move forward.  I have to do it to learn it I suppose.  Do I do a 'business plan' for my life?  Ha. 

Goals - what is my goal.  My goal is to follow my bliss.  My goal is to share bliss and the depth of who I am.  My goal is to be surrounded with open minded; open hearted people.  My goal is to help others find and share their open hearts and minds if they feel the desire to do so.

Like Nike always said "Just Do It".  Why, then, does it feel so much easier to say than to do at times.

I hear life knocking - Can I let it in?

May you let in what is lovingly knocking on your door today.

If it's coming to you; is it there for a reason?  Do you dare pay attention to it?

14 Deg F

Oh my.  I wake up this morning and it's 14 deg F.  It's amazing it can get this cold.  It's amazing that anything can live in this (like my outside fish)!

I was doing okay.  Now, I' not too sure.  Wow.  I'll be going into hibernation deeper.  I awoke to swollen hands and tight, tight skin on my fingers.  My body is 'yelling' a little.

I have 3 layers on inside the house.  I have two fireplaces going.  I'm lucky I do not have to go outside.  I'm not sure I could.  I know I could not go comfortably.

Someone is surely messing with me.

What's a woman to do!

May you go along with what is and find ways to get your contentment on.

The Lemon Quote

From the Book "Then Again" by Diane Keaton (she exudes joy; such a beautiful light.)

"Peale's cozy quotes.  "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."  "The tests of life are not meant to break you, but to make you."  "A positive mental attitude means you can overcome any kind of trouble or difficulty.""

The quotes above are by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale.  I found it more than interesting I would see these in Ms. Diane Keaton's book because I just downloaded "The Power of Positive Thinking" to my Kindle.

I did not know that Dr. Peale is the man with the famous quote about making lemonade out of lemons.  We learn something new everyday.

I'm not much in the mood for lemonade with it being 17 degrees F outside; however, I will put lemons in my diet coke.

May you ENJOY a lemon today.  They are good for you because they can help with digestion and they can increase our bodies alkalinity (decrease acid).

                        

Hesitate

I hesitate to come here and type.  There was something driving me in the past to post and these days, I feel hesitation.

Do I not want to face what comes.  Do I find myself boring.  Am I done sharing.

I'm not sure what the answer is.  Probably a little bit of of a lot of stuff.

So, here I am wondering what will come.

I feel a depth of something within my chest; almost like a dark hole; a heaviness.  I'm not sure what it is.   I think it is LIFE and yet I have no reason or understanding to think this.

I feel anticipation; I feel trepidation. 

I feel wholeness and I feel frightened.

I was reading a book last night that stated something about finding out that one has an irreversible disease that most likely will lead to death is a hard thing to live with.  I realized that I've been living with just this since before I was 20 and no wonder I'm so screwed up.

This is what Lisa Niemi Swayze in her book "Worth Fighting For" wrote:
"It's not often you get asked to face something so difficult, emotional, and potentially devastating as a life-threatening illness.  And every day I wished it were different.  But you do your best, whatever that might be.  Whatever that might be . . . So much of the time everything can feel like it's beyond human endurance.  But you do it anyway.  Why?  Because it means life and death.  You do it.  And you keep your eye on the prize.  --"  You hang in there.   (I liked her right away!)

Or, am I one of the most sane ones I know because of this......

To every subject, there can be more than one perception and usually there is.  When we know of a two car accident; a fight between two people; even a murderer and a victim -- do we usually find ourselves siding with the person that we are most familiar with.  If yes, why is this?  I have to say I always side with the victim; unless I'm getting an indepth look at the murderer; then I seem to have compassion for both and their families.

Is it something about NOT seeing the whole picture.  Not allowing to 'feel' each side.  Is this way too much for my limited humanness to handle. 

What would we be like if we could look and feel both sides of the situation easily.  Would there be less accidents, fights and even murders.  Would there be more peace because we'd have more understanding, compassion and connection with one another.

If I was hurt and beaten and stepped on enough - would I be capable of murdering? 

Oh, Jeez.   Maybe it would have been best if I stopped at questioning my sanity.  

Where do I come up with this stuff?  ( I've been watching too much TV)

If you allowed your mind and being to wander today, where would you end up?

I'm thinking there is NO WAY you want to let your mind wander just now!!!!  Ha.

Just call me 'the Wanderer".

Does this mean I'm ready to murder 'my' disease?  Does this mean I've been murdering myself all along?

I have a hard time even with the word 'murder'.  I put bugs I find in my home outside.

Yes, this is even too much thinking for me.  This post affects me greatly inside of myself.

May you allow what affects you greatly to show up and feel it when you are ready.

Outside and Not Purple

I was outside doing errands for several hours today and I did not turn 'purple' once.  I did not shiver and freeze and I was not in much discomfort at all.

OOOOOoooooo.  This is exciting and interesting for me.  I felt calm and voiced that I don't know what everyone is complaining about.  This 32 deg F is no big deal. !!!!?????!!!!!

Who am I.

Life is certainly interesting.

May you know good 'interesting' today.

Things I Like About the Cold

I like how the ground crunches underneath my feet when it's frozen.

I like that it can be invigorating.

I like that I can leave refrigerated items in my car or in my garage and not worry about them going bad.

I like a warm beautiful fire to sit by.

I like a hot chocolate with marshmallows.

I like a steaming bowl of soup.

(the new me)  I am trying here friends!

Are there things that you like about something that you are not too fond of?

Things I Like About the Cold

LOL    (the old me)

Nose

Since I'm hearing myself complaining about how cold my nose is... I went to Louise Hay's book "Heal Your Body" and looked up nose.

It says the nose represents self-recognition.  The new thought pattern she suggests to use is "I recognize my own intuitive ability." 

Not sure what I'm going to do with this....and it's kinda interesting.

Are we all intuitive if we choose to be?

May you allow your intuition help you through something you may be stuck in today.

Intuition (dictionary.com)
1.

direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.

2.

a fact, truth, etc., perceived in this way.

3.

a keen and quick insight.

4.

the quality or ability of having such direct perception or quick insight.

 

                      Are they using their intuition to know a treat is coming their way?  LOL

COLD

My daughter is on her way to the warmth.  I'm here in the cold and my mind is trying to process this.  I'm not doing a very good job.

I am extremely happy that we can give her her dream of being with the horses in sunny FL and giving her the ability to get a great education while doing so.  I 100% believe she is okay and going to learn a lot and grow a lot.  My hope is she finds her own way and I am there to support her doing so; with loving motherly guidance, of course.

Me, on the other hand...   Here I am in Pennsylvania for the first time in probably 20 years without any plans of going south.  How lucky and fortunate I was to be able to find 'escape' from the cold these past twenty years.

This year, I am unable to do so for more than one reason.  I almost think I need to be here to learn and grow into my next chapter of my own life.  Again, my brain and thoughts are not doing so well with it.  I'm mostly angry that I have to be here in the cold, uncomfortable weather.  Yet, I cannot see myself doing it differently just now.

I have not known much anger in the past 50 years.  I never allowed myself to go there.  I didn't want to feel, what I thought, the ugliness of it.  And, yes, it does feel ugly to me.

So, I know there is a part of me that is mad and wants to throw a tantrum that I'm not getting my way.  My way, in the past, would be to be in sunny, warm, beautiful south Florida.  If I could wiggle my nose and make it happen, I most likely would.  However, I don't have the physical or mental strength right now to really make it happen.

I know deep down that I am supposed to be here.  I'm not sure why, however, I believe this.  Do I believe it because it is so and I'm not doing anything about it or do I believe it because I'm in touch with my inner truth.  I may never know for sure.

I do know my nose is constantly cold (this is new for me) and my fingers are purple and I'm not comfortable in my own skin.

I also know that I am blessed with so many good things in life.  I know love.  I know trust.  I know pure joy.  I know connection to something bigger than myself.

So, as I move forward wondering where my life is taking me next, I'm holding on with all the strength, hope and heart that I can muster.

This just may be a very exciting time for all of us.

Are you open to living you?

                                                  news.bbc.co.uk    (photo by Clark Little)
                                               

Another Day

Another day has dawned.  Another chance of getting my life the way that works best for me.  And, when I'm happy; my world is happy.  At least, I am able to bring the positive with me in everything I do. 

This is much more fun to share than the dismal part of me. 

I am learning that I really can't know true happiness without understanding true sadness.  If I was happy all the time; and the sun was shining all the time; and the temperature was perfect all the time...what would I really know of joy.

May you get 'it' right today and share 'it' with your world.

Not Much to Say

I am at a loss for words.  Nothing is here within me 'knocking'  to come out. 

I want to have something interesting, fun and/or thought provoking to say and I do not.

The days are short and the sky is gray.   I spread Gia's (my dog's) ashes on her favorite hill in the backyard last night at her favorite time (7 pm) to go out there and wait for either the neighbor to drive up their driveway or another to bring their dog out in their driveway to play and run about or the third neighbor's kids to come outside laughing and playing hockey.  She would love barking trying to get their attention.  They are approximately 1/8 of a mile away; each of them. 

I cried; I was grateful for the joy she brought me and I was sorry for the way she left this earth.  I am glad she came and stayed with me a while and her spirit (we called her the party girl) will always be remembered and felt.

How lucky and blessed I am to have known her.

I have the fireplace lit and I'm wondering what to cook for dinner and who will be home to eat.  I danced to Pitbull from his New Year's Eve performance which I recorded and find myself everyday watching it and it brings me alive, totally, within myself and great joy for a few minutes.

Outside is very quiet, calm and 'asleep' this time of year to me.  It doesn't feel so inviting.  The dogs and I did go out back and hang awhile and Durby barked and Little Bear ran into things and Tiffany instigated chases of the cat, a ball and a toy lobster. 

Tomorrow my daughter leaves for her FL horse show and this year she is going without me for the first time.  She is ready and I am trying to be.  I know she can do it and I trust she will be great and it's amazing to me that my little girl is no longer a little girl.  She is becoming a beautiful, independent young woman.

Time can go so slow and time can pass in a blink of an eye.  This just tells me how important living in the NOW is. 

So, since I have nothing to say and I just bantered on...

My wish for you today is to just banter on.

Banter (dictionary.com)
an exchange of light, playful, teasing remarks

Not that my words were really light, playful or teasing....Ha.  (more like just keeping it real)

May you also keep it real today! 

I believe when I keep it real; it gives others an opportunity to do the same.  What if our realness is the best gift we can give to each other.

When I show you the real me, how does this enable you to Be U?  Does it?  and vice versa    Mmmmmm

Where I'm At

I feel I have exhausted my ability to reach out for help for my symptoms of scleroderma.  I am realizing and stating to friends that I believe my ability to reach out and search for help has exhausted itself and this is why I am finding myself so inside of myself.

I have found my way to here; where I'm at; to search inside of myself for answers.  I am, and have been, in deep.

Judging this brings me to many places.  I am now at a place where I am trying to put my thoughts aside and just be with what is without thoughts to ponder, things to examine and questions to have answered.

This, I find, to be a difficult task.  I want to ask why I am so different from what I consider the norm.  Why can't I do better and just move around, and get along, and be productive without much care or thought.  Why do I find myself here.

I am learning that perhaps the answers do not matter.  Perhaps, what matters is to just be where I'm at and be here with as much joy, beauty, hope and love that I can bring forth.

We humans have many options, unending turns, and a battlefield of emotions to endure. 

May we choose the ones the work best with ourselves and let the ones that we find 'unsettling' roll through us and carry on with our 'sick' selves. (Sick meaning bad, cool, happy, happening.  Bad meaning as good as we can be.  Ha)

May you let life roll through you as you exhale peace, love, gratitude and your own inner beauty.

Thankful

I am thankful for waking up to a beautiful orange sunrise.  I am thankful for the ability to play and hug my pets.  I am thankful for the friends I will share words with today.  I am thankful I have food to eat.  I am thankful I have a warm home.  I am thankful I have a loving family.  I am thankful for my brilliant connection to the earth.  I am thankful for the peace in my heart.  I am thankful for the hope in my soul.  I am thankful for connecting to other people's beautiful spirits.

I am thankful.  Today, I am truly thankful.

May you know abundance in thankfulness today.

Dread

LOL.  I'm having to make a dentist appointment to have a tooth pulled and I am such a big chicken.  I'm scared.  I'm frozen with fear.

My mouth is so small because of scleroderma that it is extremely hard on the dentist and usually very difficult for me as well to get any work done.

The tooth is in the way back (possibly the worse spot).  However, it is on the top instead of the bottom which I believe is usually easier.

So, I have the telephone number and baby steps are all I can take.  Ha.

I have been at this dentist (in my mind) getting this work done so many more days than what the actual appointment is going to take.

What I do to myself.  Oh my. 

I really am literally unable to do this without dread.  Fear is messing with me and it is because of past experiences.  It has nothing to do with this particular situation and mostly everything to do with the few past experiences where I found my legs going up and the tears coming down.  ONLY, because of the pulling on my lips and the inability for the dentist to be able to do his work easily.

I feel just as sorry for the dentist.....well, almost as sorry anyway!

Is it time to walk through the fear of something you dread?  How true is the reality of the reason that is creating the fear?  Is it possible that the fear itself is more potent than what is actually being feared?

Will we survive....You bet.

And, First, I have to get there!

"Lost December"

More quotes from "Lost December" by Richard Paul Evans

"Exhaustion emanated from every fiber of Harvey's being.  He wished he could find a way to unwind, to forget this place for just a few minutes, to rejuice his flagging battery.  But there was no escape, and in truth, it was because he accepted none."    Brilliantly true

""It just felt like the right thing to do."  It was that simple and yet that deep.  It was an obligation.  Even if I wanted to turn away, I couldn't."

"Someone should invent a pill for guilt.  They'd make billions."    Mmmmmm

"Life was meant to be lived--not feared, sold, nor sweated.  Fear not death.  Fear the unlived life."

"If you couldn't get out of the quicksand when you were strong, how are you going to get out after you've lost all your srength?  Luke Crisp's Diary"

To put such truth in a fictional book!  Brilliant.

Is it time to 'play' with your own fact vs. fiction?

"Snugglepot" by Tessa Joughin

More Truth

The truth was, I was afraid of being rejected; so I rejected first.

The book I am reading is "Lost December" by Richard Paul Evans.  I, however, made a statement that attracted me more general than it was in Richard's fine book.

Is there any truth in 'what we fear, we create'?

Is it time to start walking through our fear(s)?

To Know the Truth

"As a species we care less about the truth than our agendas.  We really don't want to know the truth.  We must not. Why else would we work so hard to hide from it?"  Luke Crisp's Diary

From the book "Lost December" by Richard Paul Evans

Mmmmmm

Is there a truth you are resisting exploring?

Angry

I feel angry today.  Just angry.  Angry that Durby can't walk well because he is getting old.  Angry that things are different this winter for me.  Angry that I'm stuck in Pennsylvania.  Angry that I can't open a jelly bottle to put some on my toast.  Angry that I don't feel like doing anything.  Angry that it's cold, dark and dreary. 

Do you sense that I am angry?

I have to say that I haven't been in touch with my own anger much of my life.  I always believed anger to be ugly and scary.  It probably still is and, yet I believe, that anger can also be a positive thing to let go of in the correct fashion.

Anger is a 'thing' for a reason.  It appears for a reason.  Perhaps, without anger, change wouldn't be as possible.  Without anger, it wouldn't be as easily known that I am heading in the wrong direction or doing something against what I believe to be true/good with the rightness of who I am. 

Anger is hurt hidden underneath it.  Anger is fear hidden within it as well.... I believe.

I am feeling hurt; I am feeling fear.  I've come so far and, apparently, I still have far to go.  Hence, I AM LIVING.

I read recently that it is not the destination, but the journey that matters.  SO, I JOURNEY ON.

How is your journey going today?  Is there something you want to keep doing?  Is there something you want to change up?  May you know peace while you journey on today.

One Another

"We are not put on this earth to see through one another.  We are put on this earth to see one another through."  Gloria Vanderbilt

May you be lucky enough to see another 'through' today.

Stand Up

"When you stand up for yourself; you stand up for everybody."  Terence Howard

My hope is that you are standing for everybody.

Ready for our Glory

May we grab our glory this year.  Know it; live it and share it.  We all have it.  Perhaps, all we have to do is connect to it and own it.

I am ready to live my glory.

Are you?

Head Swims

My head swims with so much activity in my house and lives going in all different directions around me.

Much upheaval and change is upon a lot of us and it is unsettling and, yet, I want to believe that it just may be the best time ever to create the life that we want to live going forward.

The cold is really cold here.  0 deg F wind chill and my fingers know it.  I think my nose is even getting purple now.  I think with the weather dropping so drastically so quickly my body feels shocked a bit and my fingers are numb and stiff again.  I had trouble picking up a potato out of the bin and opening the dishwasher my fingers slipped and OUCH - a BIG OUCH is all I can say.

I'm hearing stories of much change, much uncertainty and much more awareness of what steps we are all willing and able to take.  I hear many of us being open to what ifs and what's best and people sharing that they are open to create a new way for themselves.

This, as a whole world, because of how easy we can connect to each other just may be the biggest and happiest change and growth the world has ever known.

My wish is that we grow together through truth, open understanding, non-judgment, and knowing that we are all doing the very best we can with what we know and where we have been.

May be the head swimming is a good thing; it certainly is better than drowning I suppose.

May you swim strong and stay afloat and find new waters to tread to being the truest you that you can be.

Grouse

I woke during the night thinking very strongly about the word "Grouse".  A grouse is a pheasant like bird.  I remember thinking I have to remember this to look it up in my book "Animal Speak" by Ted Andrews (thank you Mr. Andrews for all the valuable information).

Upon my morning awakening, this word played over and over again in my head.  It was the strongest, loudest; the only thunderous word in my mind.  No pictures or story behind it; just the word.

I went to the book and this is what it told me.  Below are excerpts from the book; there was more written that I did not get my attention.

Grouse:  Sacred Dancing and Drumming

"It is an extremely hardy bird.  During cold weather its toes will sprout a fringe to help it walk about in the snow."  (The cold and I haven't done real good together in a long time; is this about to change?)

"Dancing and drumming are both powerful ways in their own right to invoke energies.  When combined, they create opportunities to be drawn into higher states of consciousness." (I have always loved the feeling of dancing AND drumming and dancing has always called me; hence 'Mercedes Flair' and belly dancing.)

"it is an outer expression of an inner spirit"

"Sacred dance and drumming was a means of transcending humanity.  The dancer can gain control over normally automatic responses by evoking emotions and energies, and then channeling them through the dance.  In this manner, transcendence over these lower energies could be achieved.  This is what grouse can teach." 

The ruffed grouse is called such because of a ruff of black feathers about the neck and shoulders.  This is very symbolic.  The neck and shoulder area is the point of connection between the head and the trunk, the upper and lower. (When I first started therapy, I was asked to draw myself.  I drew myself with my head and neck not attached to my body.) It is the bridge between the two.  All bridges enable a crossing over and an opening to new realms.

The ruffed grouse reflects that working with new rhythms and new movement will be beneficial to opening a new flow of energy into your life.  Dance and drumming would become wonderful tools to open new realms for you.  This doesn't mean you have to go out and take dance lessons, but simply practice and develop your freeform expressions.  You will be surprised at the changes in your own energy.  See yourself dancing into new patterns and realms within your life. (Freeform Dance Class - This is exactly a class that I thought about offering in the future.)

If the grouse has come into your life use the dance. If performed with the right intention, you will see results in less than a week.

The sage grouse in the largest of the American grouse.  It has its own dance to create its sacred space. 

Dancing a circle is an act of creation.  It is the marking off of a sacred space.  (Reminds me of the circle that my Chippers left.)

To those to whom grouse comes there should be a marking off of sacred space in your life.  Make sure there are territories and areas you do not allow others.  This enables your own natural rhythms and movements to create for you without too much outside influence.  (Perhaps, this is why I've been so closed down to the outside world.)

If grouse has come into your life, expect new rhythms and new teaching on dancing and drumming your life to new dimensions.  (Bring it on!)

May you 'dance' your way into 'outing' your truth.

I'm sharing everything; why stop now..... A memory also came to me when I was little and driving with my family and we had the windows open; a pheasant feather came flying in the window and landed right in my shoe that was on the floor of the car.   Oooooo   weird.  I remember thinking that this was the coolest thing...that it would pick my shoe. 

Funny how it all ties in if we let it; want it to; think it to; imagine it to; allow it to.

I believe our tapestry of our life is being made; might as well participate...   Mmmmm