Be U: COLD

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, January 13, 2012

COLD

My daughter is on her way to the warmth. I'm here in the cold and my mind is trying to process this. I'm not doing a very good job.

I am extremely happy that we can give her her dream of being with the horses in sunny FL and giving her the ability to get a great education while doing so. I 100% believe she is okay and going to learn a lot and grow a lot. My hope is she finds her own way and I am there to support her doing so; with loving motherly guidance, of course.

Me, on the other hand... Here I am in Pennsylvania for the first time in probably 20 years without any plans of going south. How lucky and fortunate I was to be able to find 'escape' from the cold these past twenty years.

This year, I am unable to do so for more than one reason. I almost think I need to be here to learn and grow into my next chapter of my own life. Again, my brain and thoughts are not doing so well with it. I'm mostly angry that I have to be here in the cold, uncomfortable weather. Yet, I cannot see myself doing it differently just now.

I have not known much anger in the past 50 years. I never allowed myself to go there. I didn't want to feel, what I thought, the ugliness of it. And, yes, it does feel ugly to me.

So, I know there is a part of me that is mad and wants to throw a tantrum that I'm not getting my way. My way, in the past, would be to be in sunny, warm, beautiful south Florida. If I could wiggle my nose and make it happen, I most likely would. However, I don't have the physical or mental strength right now to really make it happen.

I know deep down that I am supposed to be here. I'm not sure why, however, I believe this. Do I believe it because it is so and I'm not doing anything about it or do I believe it because I'm in touch with my inner truth. I may never know for sure.

I do know my nose is constantly cold (this is new for me) and my fingers are purple and I'm not comfortable in my own skin.

I also know that I am blessed with so many good things in life. I know love. I know trust. I know pure joy. I know connection to something bigger than myself.

So, as I move forward wondering where my life is taking me next, I'm holding on with all the strength, hope and heart that I can muster.

This just may be a very exciting time for all of us.

Are you open to living you?

news.bbc.co.uk (photo by Clark Little)

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!