Be U: Friends

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Friends

Talking with my friends as they tell me to "just be" and "use everything you have learned" and "allow yourself to be where you are"; I am connecting to guilt and fear. It is very much on the surface of my being. I wonder where it is coming from.   I wonder why it's so prevalent now. I wonder how the heck I can get rid of it now.

I know a lot of kids from my generation were led and guilted into doing it their parents way. If some parents didn't understand where their kid was coming from; they would shut us down or tell us 'kids should be seen and not heard'. Kids didn't have a whole lot of input in the 60's and 70's.

A lot of us found our 'input' during the 70s and 80s when we flew and ventured out and grew to become successful adults with much ambition stored up and 'exhaled' when we were finally able to do so. Yes, I am talking about me....but; anyone else feel this as true? lol

The guilt that held me back and made me worried to please my elders; I think, is the guilt that I'm experiencing today. Oh, it feels ugly. It doesn't feel like it's me or that it's best for me to own it. How do I not own what I've always held.

With it knocking so strongly at my door - feels like an "Incredible Hulk" situation; how do I turn it away and help it to dissipate and make it not a part of me anymore.  How do I allow it to melt into the snow and drift down the driveway out into the street and into the drains that flow out into the bigger waters. (to, of course, turn into just energy that someone can pick up as good, positive energy). that's a lot of flowing!

How do I process it and let it go. Which tool is best used for this. Nothing's coming to me at the moment. I feel it in my shoulders, my fingers, my face. I feel this nasty darkness throughout my brain and encircling my shoulders, neck and head.

Ok, so I imagine a white soft and warm light overpowering this darkness and entering into my ears, eyes, nose, mouth. It takes the tightness, the shut down world that is inside of my head and I breathe in more light, more white, soft and warm energy.    I close my eyes and see the brightness. I feel my very cold tip of my nose and I know that I am home.    I know that this is not my guilt to carry anymore. I type as I have my eyes closed. I move my shoulders and hear clicking. I swing my head and neck and ask God to take this burden from me and to provide me with my way through him. I notice the weight in my stomach. I breathe into my belly. I feel the heat of my body.  I feel the cold extremities fighting to hang and hold on. I want the warmth to win out. I want the cold inside of me to go away. I want the hurt to not matter. I want the healing to be now. I want my truth to shine bright. I need to live as I am. I bow my head low; I let my head be heavy.   I continue to breath into my belly. I notice a breeze on my toes. I feel myself grow large. I feel like the Beast from "Beauty and the Beast". My teeth tingle. I stretch my legs forward. I wiggle my toes. My eyes have been closed this whole time.

I am ready to move on. Ready to not know guilt unless I do something to intentionally hurt someone else. If this is not the case; I no longer allow guilt to enter my soul; my cells, my being. I will no longer succumb to the habit of my guilt leading the way.

I am led now by my light; my truth, my God. I am led into the beauty of what is. The beauty of acceptance and the beauty that is within me. I am here to love; share love, give love and be love. I am here just because I am here. I am here as I am in this moment. I am here. It is all that matters. I am here.

Where are you? I raise my face up to the heavens. Eyes still closed. I breathe in big.   I feel a pain at the base of my head. I roll it out and away from myself.

I am here to honor all of the living. I am here to be a part of all of the living. I am here to trust why I am here; to live why I am here and to have an openness that no one can close by their actions or by my fear anymore. I am open and I become the incredible hulk. But I am the colors of all of the rainbows and all of the waters and all of the flowers. I am one with color; one with the sky; one with the ocean; one with the ground; one with the stars and one with you. We are all one at the bottomless pit of humanness. If we can all meet here; we will KNOW what we have never KNOWN before.

I open my eyes and I think I am nuts and my head is relaxed and big and I know not where I'm from; not where I'm going.... I only know that I am.

May you know that you are.

I won't have any friends after this.....

Am I just waking up from somewhere I've never been before? I have not a clue.

Wonder if we all just let our imaginations fly and live and breathe and be .... scares me to even think what world we would create.   But, just maybe this IS the world we are supposed to create into.

I say RUN, Run now while we can..... Ha.   (can't wait to read this one over)!!!!!!

What happens next.   How exciting and crazy and scary and great.

I've got to walk away from the computer and come back later.... A lot of pent up energy here.

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Do I dare to hit 'publish' for this.....

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!