Be U: Hesitate

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Hesitate

I hesitate to come here and type. There was something driving me in the past to post and these days, I feel hesitation.

Do I not want to face what comes. Do I find myself boring. Am I done sharing.

I'm not sure what the answer is. Probably a little bit of of a lot of stuff.

So, here I am wondering what will come.

I feel a depth of something within my chest; almost like a dark hole; a heaviness. I'm not sure what it is.   I think it is LIFE and yet I have no reason or understanding to think this.

I feel anticipation; I feel trepidation.

I feel wholeness and I feel frightened.

I was reading a book last night that stated something about finding out that one has an irreversible disease that most likely will lead to death is a hard thing to live with. I realized that I've been living with just this since before I was 20 and no wonder I'm so screwed up.

This is what Lisa Niemi Swayze in her book "Worth Fighting For" wrote:
"It's not often you get asked to face something so difficult, emotional, and potentially devastating as a life-threatening illness. And every day I wished it were different. But you do your best, whatever that might be. Whatever that might be . . . So much of the time everything can feel like it's beyond human endurance. But you do it anyway. Why? Because it means life and death. You do it. And you keep your eye on the prize. --" You hang in there.   (I liked her right away!)

Or, am I one of the most sane ones I know because of this......

To every subject, there can be more than one perception and usually there is. When we know of a two car accident; a fight between two people; even a murderer and a victim -- do we usually find ourselves siding with the person that we are most familiar with. If yes, why is this? I have to say I always side with the victim; unless I'm getting an indepth look at the murderer; then I seem to have compassion for both and their families.

Is it something about NOT seeing the whole picture. Not allowing to 'feel' each side. Is this way too much for my limited humanness to handle.

What would we be like if we could look and feel both sides of the situation easily. Would there be less accidents, fights and even murders. Would there be more peace because we'd have more understanding, compassion and connection with one another.

If I was hurt and beaten and stepped on enough - would I be capable of murdering?

Oh, Jeez.   Maybe it would have been best if I stopped at questioning my sanity.

Where do I come up with this stuff? ( I've been watching too much TV)

If you allowed your mind and being to wander today, where would you end up?

I'm thinking there is NO WAY you want to let your mind wander just now!!!! Ha.

Just call me 'the Wanderer".

Does this mean I'm ready to murder 'my' disease? Does this mean I've been murdering myself all along?

I have a hard time even with the word 'murder'. I put bugs I find in my home outside.

Yes, this is even too much thinking for me. This post affects me greatly inside of myself.

May you allow what affects you greatly to show up and feel it when you are ready.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!