Living

I wish you comfort and ease.  I support you to go within and connect to what you want/need.   I offer your own permission to make this happen and allow it.

I wish you a heart full of joy coming from how you love one person deeply. 

May you come from this joyful heart to create something you know is yours to create.

                                                                  Unknown

Poison

I have a very infected tooth that will need root canal.  OUCH.  It is swollen.  In fact, my whole face, head and neck are impaired with this infection.  My ears feel it.  I started antibiotics yesterday.  Root Canal can be about indecision in the psyche.  I think it has to do with my doctors and feeling like I am not heard or cared for in the healthcare system just now.

It is not their fault.  It is just the changing of the doctors from Pennsylvania to Florida and the rules and regulations in each state and how they differ.  I haven't slept in two nights and the pain was so great I could hardly move my head in protection of self.  The antibiotics are working to lessen the infection and the pain and I am so grateful for this.  My dentist is in Europe til next week.  His office feels I will be okay as they took x-rays and gave me the antibiotic.

If you have been following my blog, I'm thinking you may know how terrified of the dentist I am and how small my mouth is that it is never ever really pleasant for myself or the dentist(s) either. 

I do believe this abscess came about from over doing it - along with the two very small ulcers on my fingers and from not having any 'game plan' as to what medicine will work best (if any) for me to move forward to in as much peace as possible.  I have felt all alone and it is a very real possibility that my body would not process well the difference in medicine regimen so quickly and abruptly. 

I'm achy.  It is not fun.  I am staying as calm as possible and walking through knowing that I will be okay no matter what and I bring my best self forward with me in all situations.  Oh, my 'best self' hasn't been a rock star recently!

What an interesting time for me...   Oh my, my, my, my, my....

Moving; really moving so many of my ways/beliefs/knowings; physically, emotionally, spiritually. 

I spin until I don't.

May you stay as peaceful as possible and bring your self with you in all situations that present themselves to you as you LIVE your life today in the direction that feels best on you in each moment.

                                                  Iyanla VanZant, Facebook

Raw

I know that where I live and what surrounds me doesn't define me.  I know being kind and offering love and how I treat people is what comes with me wherever I go.

Yet, there are cells in my human body that do not believe this yet.  I find unease in disorganization and having a hodge-podge of things around me.

I find unease as I don't do things my way and create my 'home' from within my own being.  I feel discord and strife not creating and building a sanctuary for myself to be reclusive and recharge in.

I feel threatened as I can't find this sanctuary to surround myself just now. 

This has been a tough two years for me as I'm letting go of some wondrous things and creating a new life.  I have been challenged to the depth of who I am.  I have felt alone and unsafe.  I feel unsure and lost.

I look around and little is recognizable.  I am not taking time to look in the mirror and remember I am here.

I would not recommend this.  This is not where peace and inner knowing lie.  This is where unpeace and little recognition of self lies. 

Again, I would not recommend this.!  And, yet...  I believe this just may be where I find a depth of myself that I have not tapped in to yet.

May you look in the mirror and see the love that is you and may you allow it to reflect back on to the only person you will spend your whole life with - YOU.

I'm sure I come from challenges with medicine, challenges with starting over, challenges with speaking my truth and challenges to feel safe.

I walk on trusting the process even though the process doesn't feel too good on me just now.

Here again

I am realizing that two sores are starting on my fingers because I have been neglecting myself in lieu of housework; homework; and organization.

I knew I was neglecting me.  I knew I was pushing too hard and my goal was a 'complete' home.  It's not there yet and I have gone backwards in my health. 

Yesterday, I took time for me.  I went out for 6 hours and did things that relaxed me, made me feel better about my appearance and I just breathed in the beauty of palm trees.

This morning I awaken to a new perspective; a more realistic truth.  I need to balance between what my old habits want and what/who I am today, in this moment; what I need and feel.  So, today, I will sit and go through mail that, too, has been neglected.  I will sit and enjoy/taste/smell some food; some nourishment without just eating quickly in between my 'doings'.  Today, I will embrace sitting out on the back porch with my dogs in the yard, butterflies flying, and quiet in the air.  I will notice the beautiful palms and the greenery.  I will hear the sound of the pool circulating its own water.  I will notice the colors of the red, purple and white flowers on the plants and trees.  Perhaps, I may even go out and count the limes on the lime tree.  Perhaps, while I'm there,  I will do a few yoga poses to better wake up my whole self. 

I will participate with life just as life presents itself.  There is nothing I 'need' to do because I say so.  lol   yikes!

May you participate in your day just as it presents itself to you while giving yourself permission to 'do you' as you are today.

Neglect

I have been neglecting myself as I'm building a new home in the house we just moved in to.  My gray is coming in, to get a massage and/or exercise I will not allow myself the time.  When I go out back with my dogs, I stretch down to the ground and up to the sky and behind me.  I run around the kitchen circle with the dogs chasing me and trying to get my slippers that are on my feet.  Little Bear chases my slippers and Tiffany chases Little Bear.  It is a hoot.

However, other than that, I do what I can.  I take a break and I continue on.  I look forward to at least having every thing out of boxes so I can get the last delivery of boxes from the storage unit in Pennsylvania.  Whew..

All of my stuff in one place.  Now that will be more a less a first without ever having a goal to have it somewhere else...  Ooops.  That is not exactly my truth.

I do have the ultimate goal of being back on the beach.  I want to live the rest of my days watching the sun come up on the ocean and go down on the bay.  And, until then, I will grow my roots here 6 miles from my ultimate destination.

May you stop neglecting what you know you've been neglecting.  Perhaps, this is the day you take head on the thing, person, place, and/or situation that you've been putting off.  May you be true to you as you walk to it and through it.  Ha!

Diamond

My beautiful niece told me to shine bright like a diamond like I always do.  If everyone could be lucky enough to have such a beautiful niece.  !

I sent her the below picture and this is what her beautiful heart and mind shares back to me.  I am feeling very blessed and loved.

What wind beneath our wings people, connections and situations can be.

And, on the opposite side -- people, connections and situations can also be the undoing of one's self.

Or   is    it    them....

I am learning that it is my reaction to each 'thing' that matters most.  I can choose how I react.  I can choose a different and/or new reaction any time I want.  How brilliant is this 'shine'!...

May you shine bright like a diamond.  If you don't feel good with the thought you are thinking, may you think a new thought.  May you think again...

                                                        Unknown
Such a beautiful picture.  I have used it on my IPhone wallpaper, my computer screen and I just have to use it again here.
                                                        
Shine all the colors of who and what you are!

Whew

I am starting to see some open floor space in my new home!  I am starting to like where I look from time to time and enjoying some quiet moments in a spacious house. 

My rhythm within the new house is starting to fall into place and I feel a bit hopeful that, subtlely, I am beginning to feel the freedom that life has to offer me again.

I do need to get doctors down here to see what, if anything, they can offer me for creating ease and letting go of dis-ease.  I'm ready.  I have been saying I'm healing for at least 20 years now.  I am saying it again now.  My body is healthy and content.  My spirit enjoys my body and my body enjoys my spirit.

Lol.   How I got to spirits and bodies from the rhythm in the new house, I do not know.  However, it feels right and it makes me happy and I so I am going with it!

I am home alone again and I am cooking myself a nice meal.  I'm enjoying the sunny day, relaxing some and I'm happy to just be. 

I've made contact with important people in my life and I am enjoying my new found home.  I still sit in disarray here in my office.  Oh, but I can foresee the comfort and beauty that will be mine when all is said and done moving in.  I can see me enjoying my work and connecting to all and everyone that I am supposed to connect to!  whoo hooo!

May you let your body enjoy your spirit and your spirit enjoy your body.  Ha.! 

                                                      Unknown

Don't Know How

I do not know how to share what I have newly found within myself.  I find a new irritability while I'm recreating and creating a new home in a new house for my family.  I was ready to go professional and be open to helping others to create a better life from within and I find myself still involved in a 'home' full time; 24/7.  This is where my irritability comes from.   I'm pouting because I'm not doing what I, as a woman, want to do.  I am doing what I, as a mom and wife, think I need to do and, in truth, want to do since it has presented itself to me in this way.  I do not know any other way and I know that, just now, I am not open to letting it be any other way.  Once, I am settled within my family, it will be my time to fly as a woman and live as my soul knows its place. 

I know I've created this.  And, I knew I was creating it and I created it none-the-less.  I am confused as to how and why.   I am certain that there is still more for me to learn before I can offer everything that I am to 'the world'.  Here, in this new house, is my lesson.  I thought the apartment was my lesson.   I thought giving up comfort and great ease was my lesson.   I thought the dis-ease of scleroderma was my lesson.  I thought being a mom was my lesson.  Let's admit it, we all have more than one lesson to learn during a lifetime.  In fact, I believe we never stop learning as a human.  We are here on this earth to learn to live everything that is inside of us to live.

Well, live on I am.  I'm embracing as best I can what is in front of me.  What my mind tells me and what is my reality are currently and somewhat in conflict.  The mosquitoes and little bugs are so bad and a nuisance.  Bedding sitting upstairs waiting for me to decide whether to keep it as is (not in full application) or let it go and create something completely different. 

"Stuff" sent down from Pennsylvania just doesn't belong in Florida.  It once was wonderful to me.  It is now a nuisance to me. 

I am learning to accept what is in a big way. While I have boxes of 'stuff' that will not be usable and I will donate out, I am seeing myself just letting it sit as I use what I have to create my new world in which I will call 'home'. 

I'm hearing myself call what I am experiencing a hodge-podge.  I have a hodge-podge of stuff together, blended and apart.  It is a process to simplify and create one home to grow deeper roots in as I'm used to more than one home to live back and forth from one to the other.  This is what I want now, and, yet, I do not find it easy. 

So, as I'm open to learn my lesson(s) and my inner self is continuously and still rocked; I am grateful for all that I have.   I'm grateful for all the experiences I have had and that I am having.  I know my 'today' is creating my tomorrow.   I feel no drama only what is. 

As I open boxes to broken items, items I no longer need and items that I know the perfect place for, I am in the mix of what was/what is/what is becoming to what will be. Literally, figuratively, emotionally, spiritually and intensively. 

My soul wants to fly out.  My human will not allow it.   I know this and I do not know any other way just way.  So, I honor where I am.   I know that I am enough.   I know that I created this.  I know that the only way out is through.   So, through I go.

May you go through what is your life.  Through -- right into the fullness of everything that you are and it be okay, loving and enough.  May you continue to live all that is inside of you to live as each moment arrives for you to live, grow, create, become and be. 

Loneliness

Some are feeling a loneliness just now; an extra intensity in our emotions/feelings.  I'm feeling lonely as I'm in the house alone unraveling all that I own and applying it to my current and future life not really having a laid out plan.

There is a 'shift' occurring in many of us now.  I feel an irritability within.  I have felt an underlying sense of unsettledness.  There are many things in our lives that do not come from our past experiences easily and growth is occurring on many roads that are in front of us as we continue forward during this strange, constantly changing time.

What was our norm yesterday is, most likely, not our norm today.  The professionals are being challenged.  The awareness is loud and authentic.  We are feeling more and more 'touched' as a world; a universe; one. 

What happens over there is affecting us over here and vice versa. 

What do we do with this...

We walk through.  We love through.  We live our truth through.  We share our full selves through. 

There is no where left to hide.  There is no turning back.  There is only now and, possibly, going forward.

The unknown has never felt so unknown to me.  It can be exciting.  It may be scary.  It is...  unknown.

May you allow the unknown to present itself to you as only you can experience it.   May we support ourselves and each other in our own experience of change, growth, hurt, love, truth, joy, and life.  It is time.  The time has come.  The time is now.

After

After a week of deliveries of many broken and lost items.   After two weeks of organizing, setting up and decorating my new home, there is still much to do. 

I've had moments of high five-ing and moments of not wanting to get the day started.  There are still many boxes in the house and in the garage that have to be opened and placed. 

I feel more calm as I am allowing myself to realize that I am fortunate to have the freedom to take it as it comes and that there is no time constraint necessary.

As I sit at my new desk at my computer in my new office, I look out on a small courtyard.   I imagine a fountain out there.  I see a palm tree and a blue sky with pink in it as dusk is upon us. 

I feel air on my arm from the air conditioner and my dogs and cat are laying behind my chair on the floor. 

I have yet to find a place for everything.  How interesting it is to find the best places for my animals to eat, play, and hang out.   How interesting it is to see what switch turns on what light and where the outlets are. 

I hope you have been well, my friend.  I hope that you are living from your innermost truth and letting it show in each situation you find yourself in.  I hope that you are being kind to yourself and loving yourself so that you can share this love from within without to all you encounter.  It is a beautiful love.

I surely have faltered on it, spoken it, shared it and relayed it in silly and interesting ways this week as I walk the unknown path of newness everywhere. 

May you walk the path that is in front of you to walk and may you trust that whatever comes your way, you are able and will know what to do and when to do it when you come upon 'it'.  I believe in you. 

topdreamer.com           

Challenged and Drama

I am being challenged with great intensity.  As I move from my Pennsylvania house, my Florida apartment and even storage units, I am challenged with finding new doctors and dealing with pharmacists and health professionals in disagreement.

The drugs I have been on from my doctor of 15 years in Pennsylvania, the doctor down here is questioning.  I don't mind them questioning it, I do mind them leaving me without my regular dosage that I've been on for at least 6 years daily while they are figuring out a best regimen for me.  My body is messed up as I try to not to use up all the pills that I have until these health professionals can figure it out.  They literally have my life in their hands and these are drugs that my body and mind is dependent on and I am afraid that this could go very wrong.   I discussed this with my Pennsylvania doctor and he called in the prescription but since I now had a Florida doctor call in a prescription, the pharmacist will not honor my Pennsylvania doctor's request.   I stopped what I was doing (the huge move) and went to see the Florida doctor and I finally was heard and she is willing to help me for one month until I can get new doctors that know scleroderma better down here.

I took the prescription to the pharmacy closest to my new house and she refuses to administer it as she sees that I have had prescriptions filled in a different dosage and with different usages.   I understand the red flags, I understand her job and I understand that I am doing everything by the book and I am the one suffering.  I've had two main doctors helping with this disease since I was 21.  Over 30 years is the one doctor and over 15 years is the other.  

We have tried many different drugs and treatments.  I have tried many different treatments and alternative methods.   I do not have an ulcer on my finger currently and I have been using them a lot, a lot during this move.  This is good news. 

I understand that this drug is a controlled substance.   I don't understand why I am being treated like a criminal (or at least this is the way I feel) and during one of the biggest, stressful moves of my life.   Can't make this stuff up.  I am doing my best to remain calm and reach out to the appropriate personnel to get this figured out so I can only focus on the move. 

It's very interesting how God (the Universe) is offering this to me now.  Literally, other people have control of my life.  I don't much like it.

See where I go from here and I'm in awe of how these challenges feel on me.  I'm not liking it too much at all!  Ha!

May you be aware of your reaction to your challenges and may you do your best to live in, process on and move through them.

Moving

I am in the new house.  It is mucho grande work.  Boxes everywhere.  This physical transition is constant as I want to feel settled and comfortable as soon as possible.  I find myself completely off auto pilot and not deeply connected to anything.  Unfortunately, not even myself as I choose to ignore my needs somewhat to 'get the job done'.

I feel I have been productive and I enjoy this feeling.  I have a long way to go and I've come a long way.  Right here is where I'm at. 

My mind won't settle on one thing as I guess I don't want it to.  I want to stay flexible to get the work done as it comes up and the needs arise or my attention is called into this moment and then the next.

I think I may go on strike of being human as I find being a soul is so much easier!

The ego of my humanness wants everything in its place and to look pretty; and finds it somewhat hard to let go of stuff that has made me happy in the past.  My soul wants everything to look pretty and to stay focused on what matters most.  My soul knows the unimportance of much of this 'stuff'.   Life with self; Not life with stuff is what propels us to connect to who we are and each other.

And, it's nice to sit in comfort and look at pretty things.

So, as I'm in the middle of so very much not working, out of place and just scattered boxes ready to be unpacked -- sometimes, I just sit and look at it all!  lol

And, other times, I tackle the work and complete it and move on.   What a hoot.  What a ride. 

I am having low lows and high highs.  Relocating and its process is known to be one of the highest stressed times in our lives.

We breathe, we move, we pack, we unpack, we pick up and we set down things.  We live.  We connect and we disconnect.

May you live and (as best you can) only hold on to what brings you the most ease, happiness and connection to self and others as and who you are today.  It is somewhat a struggle for me to let go of what I once so enjoyed but no longer need for my life now and going forward...But, letting go I am... mostly.  Ha! 

Last Day

Today is my last day of apartment living; for now.  While, it was not in my overall plan to be living in an apartment at the age of 50, I certainly believe it was right where I was supposed to be for many lessons and much ease in living. 

At the age of 17, living in an apartment was exactly how I saw and loved my life.  Now, at age 54, I am so grateful to be heading back into a house that I can create into a home and make my own.  The luxury of the freedom of same is heaven to me and brings me much peace in and around my world.  I know great gratitude today. 

May you find yourself right where you are supposed to be for today and connect to the things/feelings that you are most grateful for.

Still Packing

We are still packing boxes, preparing the house and I feel like an ant scurrying to and fro and building the nest.  I sometimes feel like the queen.  I sometimes feel like the worker.  I sometimes am happy and excited.  I am sometimes overwrought and confused.

It surely feels like out of the world experiences.  I sure feel out of my body at times.  It surely feels like creating anew can be complete awe and wonder.

Life.  This is life.  What you are doing today; what are you doing right now in this moment; what you plan to do in the future moments - this is you living; this is your life.

May you embrace it all and let it be okay to feel what the true you is feeling.  Do not resist.  'Just Be U' and "Grow Yourself Complete".   Ha!

Perhaps, I am delirious.  If I am, I am still living! 

May you love living whatever life is offering you and showing you - LIVE YOU through it all.

I surely hope a different word comes to mind other than ant in the near future!  lol

Hello My Friend

I have been spending a lot of time in an empty house for days now.   I am tired, uncared for by myself and creating anew; literally and figuratively.

Transitioning from 'what is' to 'what is becoming' is quite the ride.  Being with my soulmate, is a whole different story.

Today, my husband and I have been 'dating' for 29 years!  Wowza.  Where does the time fly and we surely have fit a lot in these 29 years!  And, while being soul mates is a beautiful thing; it is also a most challenging thing.  We push each other past our reach of peace, growth and digging to the depth of ourselves and each other.  We surely are doing this now as we consolidate all of ourselves; all of our creations in the past 29 years; all of our belongings; and all of our love.  Transparency of our relationship is showing and it doesn't feel like the multitude of 'color' is all beautiful!  Yikes.

I am living in today and I look forward to seeing what the day brings.  I feel beat up some and I am not eating healthy and I'm overtaxed.  I feel like there is no end in sight and I walk through this crazy, unchained time.

I miss coming here to 'see' how I am doing and connecting with you.  I care whether I'm on here or not.  I care about you and I wish for you to continue 'checking in' with yourself and your loved ones and being real as real can be. 

'Let's get er done' has been my motto for the past few weeks.  May I offer to you...

To continue to grow, question, exhibit and be all that you are.  You are beautiful and I wish us all to be this beauty that our breath allows us in all our struggle, challenges, ugly and harshness that the world can be known as.

I pray for a day that war is only a card game.  It is too much to bear otherwise.  I pray for the people that are in war with each other and with themselves.  LET PEACE REIGN.  Come from love and be, share and send love as best you can, always.