Be U: Don't Know How

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Don't Know How

I do not know how to share what I have newly found within myself. I find a new irritability while I'm recreating and creating a new home in a new house for my family. I was ready to go professional and be open to helping others to create a better life from within and I find myself still involved in a 'home' full time; 24/7. This is where my irritability comes from.   I'm pouting because I'm not doing what I, as a woman, want to do. I am doing what I, as a mom and wife, think I need to do and, in truth, want to do since it has presented itself to me in this way. I do not know any other way and I know that, just now, I am not open to letting it be any other way. Once, I am settled within my family, it will be my time to fly as a woman and live as my soul knows its place.

I know I've created this. And, I knew I was creating it and I created it none-the-less. I am confused as to how and why.   I am certain that there is still more for me to learn before I can offer everything that I am to 'the world'. Here, in this new house, is my lesson. I thought the apartment was my lesson.   I thought giving up comfort and great ease was my lesson.   I thought the dis-ease of scleroderma was my lesson. I thought being a mom was my lesson.  Let's admit it, we all have more than one lesson to learn during a lifetime. In fact, I believe we never stop learning as a human. We are here on this earth to learn to live everything that is inside of us to live.

Well, live on I am. I'm embracing as best I can what is in front of me. What my mind tells me and what is my reality are currently and somewhat in conflict. The mosquitoes and little bugs are so bad and a nuisance. Bedding sitting upstairs waiting for me to decide whether to keep it as is (not in full application) or let it go and create something completely different.

"Stuff" sent down from Pennsylvania just doesn't belong in Florida. It once was wonderful to me. It is now a nuisance to me.

I am learning to accept what is in a big way. While I have boxes of 'stuff' that will not be usable and I will donate out, I am seeing myself just letting it sit as I use what I have to create my new world in which I will call 'home'.

I'm hearing myself call what I am experiencing a hodge-podge. I have a hodge-podge of stuff together, blended and apart. It is a process to simplify and create one home to grow deeper roots in as I'm used to more than one home to live back and forth from one to the other. This is what I want now, and, yet, I do not find it easy.

So, as I'm open to learn my lesson(s) and my inner self is continuously and still rocked; I am grateful for all that I have.   I'm grateful for all the experiences I have had and that I am having. I know my 'today' is creating my tomorrow.   I feel no drama only what is.

As I open boxes to broken items, items I no longer need and items that I know the perfect place for, I am in the mix of what was/what is/what is becoming to what will be. Literally, figuratively, emotionally, spiritually and intensively.

My soul wants to fly out. My human will not allow it.   I know this and I do not know any other way just way. So, I honor where I am.   I know that I am enough.   I know that I created this. I know that the only way out is through.   So, through I go.

May you go through what is your life.  Through -- right into the fullness of everything that you are and it be okay, loving and enough. May you continue to live all that is inside of you to live as each moment arrives for you to live, grow, create, become and be.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!