Where I'm At

There is large part of me that is sad and shut down; quiet and in darkness.  A part of me has died or is certainly dying.  Not in the sense of death and complete finality; but in the sense of letting go and becoming anew.

My hands are not as hurtful as they have been.  I still get taken aback when I hit them against something.  I still have struggles when trying to open or navigate with them.  However, they feel softer and more pliant.

I am very shut down to the outside world and living within it.  I am lost.  I read something yesterday that 'sometimes we have to get lost to find our way home'.  This is what I am feeling.

I feel this darkness just might lead me to where I am going.  I am surely hoping for it and trusting the process.

 I feel sorry for the people ALIVE around me that I struggle with that I'm bringing them down.  I want them to carry on and continue living and flying high on their own journeys.  I hope they know I support them and honor their pathways even though I may not be able to share a lot of them or me right now. 

I am with whatever comes up for me and I honor the process of living; life and death. 

May you honor each pathway that you are on and each pathway that intersects with yours.  May you Be U through it all; with all your glory and all your pain.

   

Poem

I see you as a spritely elf who trips through glen and lea
to bring a smile to replace a frown on everyone you see.

I see you as a spirit free who sails on gossamer wings
who floats over high and lofty peaks
and does most anything.

I see you as a woman grown with the spirit of a child
who brings people laughter wherever you go and
leaves them happy for a while.

Written by Chuck Filson, early 1980s

Chuck, wherever you are; whatever you are doing; I thank you for being you.
This has stayed with me and meant something to me always; as well as you. 

May you float over high and lofty peaks and know the joy in being you.

Fact or Fiction

The more I live and learn, the more I am knowing that I do not always know what is fact and what is fiction.  What I believe is fact, has turned out to be fiction.  AND, what I believe is fiction, has sometimes turned out to be true.

I believe we all have our own fact and fiction stories.

When I believe something is true, it surely seems so.  Then, when I look at it from a different perspective or in a different light - it can totally change into a different outcome.

I'd like to ask myself how do I know if this is true?  Do I 100% know this is true?  Who would I be without believing this were true if I cannot be 100% certain that it is?

The complexities of the mind.  The complexities of the heart.  Oh, I think I'll just go have a drink; or take a pill; or run a mile.  It sometimes does come down to this because it sometimes just feels easier.  What if doing this is keeping us from our truth; our real life; our total promise at enlightenment and ease and a beautiful world.

What if we all just took things head on when they appeared and process through them and move forward.

Yes, what if we were all just nuts and gave up and lived on the surface happy and content with no problems or hardship in our world.

TOO MUCH    WAY TOO MUCH for little ole me.

May you have a day of doing opposite what you usually do (at least in some moments) to just get a different view of life.  Do you dare?

If you put your pants on right leg first; perhaps, put your pants on left leg first.  Just a suggestion.  Change things up some.  See if anything happens. 

Being True

I am being as true as I can possibly be with 'my people'.  I am losing some or so I feel that I am.  This leaves me very sad and somewhat lonely.  I want to be there for them and I am facing up to the fact that I cannot always do so in the exact way that they want or need me to be.

The abandonment issue that I have held on to for a long time is showing me things differently.  I am realizing that I, too, need and deserve understanding and love.  Non-judgement would be good and a lot of us humans have a hard time with this one.

I know things work best when all individuals are receiving what works for everyone in a situation.  I know this is not always possible.  I want to stay true to me while helping others and sharing this world.

I'm changing and I want to be patient with everyone that has known me so long one way and are now getting me in different ways.  It must not be easy for them.  The people that are supposed to grow with me and share a life with through love and support are the people that have commonality with me, I suppose.

They say people come into our lives for a moment, a day, a season and a lifetime.  I am trying to honor each person's stay in my life and honor my own as well.

This feels very unsettling to me.  I feel I need and want many to stay.  I am 'playing' with this currently.

My stomach feels upset because I cannot stomach this easily.  I feel afraid that I will have no one.  I trust that it will all work out the way it is supposed to if I stay true through love and caring.

The world around me; maybe for the first time; I am seeing the reality of what is.  Wow.  There is an awful lot to take in and to pick and choose and participate with.

May we all participate from our own loving truth and, again, may we come from the place that we are all doing the best we can with what we know and the experiences we have lived.

May God show us the way and may we be open to walking through it; together.

Are we all on this planet at this same time for a reason?

Chippers

Chippers, my lovebird of 18 years plus, died this week also.  I watched her getting weaker for some time now and I knew she was close when she was unable to perch.

I found her on the floor of the 'cage'; it's really like a small room with tile on the floor with wood shavings spread all about.  She was in the middle of a perfect circle cleared of shavings and with the tile showing a perfect circle.  She must have spun around and around to create this burial site for herself.

She would wolf whistle at me and mimic noises of mine.  She would sit on my hand.  She would also bite.

I will miss her.  There are three birds still in the cage singing pretty for me.  They are all much younger.  I brought Chippers home in Margate, New Jersey, USA when I was pregnant with my daughter. 

This week has been a time for me to learn about my own strength and perseverance along with pain and loss.

I have been shut down and quiet.  Non-moving and 'still' in heart, soul and being.

I had no words to share.  I have mostly sorrow and didn't want to be a downer for everyone who is enjoying their holiday time.

I wish for you to continue celebrating life and living through joy, love and truth.

When you have joy; KNOW it; LIVE it; BREATHE it.  It's a fabulous thing.

May you know moments of joy throughout the rest of your holiday season and may you always be able to connect to the joy part of who you are.  God (or whatever higher power you believe in) created joy; I believe He wants us to honor him by embracing what is as much as possible. 

I'm trying to embrace what is for me; OH, I SO WANT TO RESIST; and I'm so trying to allow it all to process through me.

I am giving everything I have to trust the process of my life and who I am and where I am.  I'm fighting to be true to me.  May just be the hardest thing for me; To live and accept the real me.

Are you being you; the real you?

My Final Goodbye

When I told my dad why I came to the hospital to help him to move forward by either having the surgeons operate one more time or to give up the fight with medical science and let God carry him forward; I believe he was very relieved.  First things he said when he knew I was there was "turn up the heat" and "this is the end".   

I spent 2 days with him and maybe one hour where he was lucid where we were able to share somewhat of a conversation.  He understood that I was there to help him move forward; either to have more surgery or stop the medical life support and let God take over.  I told him I wouldn't leave until he was settled and it was in his control and it was his choice.

After talking to professionals from the hospital and from hospice; we all found agreement in the fact that it just may be time to unhook everything that was keeping my dad alive and fighting for his life and send him over to the hospice center and make him as comfortable as humanly possible and let him have his dignity and take away his suffering.  I believe this is what was given him; with love, support and faith.  I believe he fought the strongest fight for life I have ever seen.

When he knew it was time to leave the hospital and go to hospice to let God take the lead, without medical intervention; he looked me in my eyes; thanked me and pulled me close to him.  It was the most beautiful moment I ever remember having with him and he tried to talk more and I told him there was no need for words.  I said "I know and it's okay" and we looked into each others eyes and we both knew the love we lost and the gratitude for what we were experiencing.  He needed me to tell my siblings of his great love and his great sorrow where his children were concerned.  The 'sitter' in the room had tears in her eyes as she watched us and she assured me that she had seen what I knew I experienced. 

I am grateful and appreciative that I was able to live this moment even with all the pain, agony, suffering and despair that was a part of it.  We experienced love, understanding, trust, faith and a quiet, extremely strong connection of cosmic proportions.

This experience with my dad has been one of the most strong bonds, within this human realm here on Earth, that I ever experienced on so many different levels.  It feels to me that we knew dire distress to sacred beauty and many things in between.

May you always bring the real, true you to your relationships as you move forward.  May you experience the sacred beauty that can occur from your own authenticity.  May you allow your authentic self to connect to the authentic self in others. 

This I wish for all of us as often as possible.

May we all come from a place of the belief that we are all doing the best we can with what we know and what we have experienced.  This I believe with my heart, my brain and all the cells of my being.

Has Passed

My dad has passed on.  God rest, bless and embrace his soul please.  Amen

Amen (dictionary.com)
       it is so; so be it

May you live in your 'Amen' today.  (live in the 'what is so' for you today)

You are not alone living in the human form with greatness and great hardship.  Amen.

Feels like the Depth of Darkness

I'm sad to say that I feel like I'm in the depth of darkness. 

I'm still waiting for word that my dad has taken his last breath.  He is fighting with everything he has got; just like he said he would.  It has been a week since I took him to hospice and it feels like a year. 

I lost my Gia dog (my maltese) on Christmas Eve.  She got hit by a car and had to be put down from so many internal injuries.  I was able to say good bye and I did not want to have to.

I'm feeling like I'm going in the wrong direction from where I want to go and I do not know how to turn around.  Im sad and depressed and lost.

So, I'm here with what is and know it's my journey, for now.   I know I am shutting down in order to survive and I wish this wasn't my truth; and I know in my head that life goes on and I will be okay.  The rest of me just has to catch up with this 'knowing'.

I just wish it wasn't so very, extremely hard at times.

May the light get stronger so I can see and feel it.

May you know and feel the light of life; I know it's ever present.  May we all dig deep when necessary.  I know I am not alone.

Christmas Day

May you all know beautiful and magical moments throughout your day today.

Christmas Eve

May your heart be warm and may your thoughts be light and may you know joy in your heart.  As I said, this is a very different Christmas for me this year.

I am at peace and I also know sadness.  I have life and I also know death is imminent.

I have seen God everywhere during this time.  God does work miracles and God is awesome.  We are all awesome and we all have miracles in and around us, I believe.

Yesterday, my brother's wife went for a cup of coffee with a friend.  They have known of each other for many years and recently became closer friends.  Somehow the conversation went to how this woman lived across the street from my childhood home.  It turns out this woman as a child and my brother used to play when they were very young.  It totally opened my eyes to how God can work and it gave me (in my own mind) a way of my father connecting to his only son and sending him love.  My father and brother did indeed have some kind of connection, however, it wasn't during the past several decades; it is more universal, spiritual and through God's way.

Yesterday when I went to the ATM, the man in front of me turned around and just blurted out how he just came back from North Carolina.

It's these little things that are all around us that can show us that there is a greater-ness in the world than we cannot see or touch with just our humaness; we must use our hearts and a heightened awareness.  I am seeing and hearing about God everywhere and I know that He is here ready to talk anytime we are truly ready to 'converse'.  We are the universe; all things alive now living at the same time, in the same world, wanting the same core things.  God is the universe and we are a part of Him and He a part of us simply because we are alive, here, and created, I believe.  (Whatever higher power you believe in through your love and connection to the universe; I honor.)

Amazing Grace is what I felt.  I felt my dad was talking to my brother and sending him a message of pure love.

May you live through your own pure love as you celebrate your holiday and share what really matters to you with an open heart.

Cannot Speak

I cannot speak of what I feel; what I'm experiencing inside of myself as I await the call that my father is gone.  I am saddened; I am at peace; I am angry; I am okay.  I am in awe of the unknown of life.  I am.  This is what I know.

I'm going around doing some shopping and gathering of gifts.  I'm functioning somewhat well.  I am accepting this is where I am; this is where my life has lead me.

I can't understand or know why or how life can be so surprising and strange.

I feel guilt that I'm somewhat okay while he lays leaving his body.  I feel a heaviness that has no words to it.

I am.

May you allow the truth of who you are to shine the light of you onto our world and the people you love and spend time with throughout the next two very special days.  Share all of you with the people you love.  BE U as you celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and know we are all where we are supposed to be.  I believe this simply because this is where we are at.

May you meet yourself right where your life is at.  Allow your heart to be open and God's light to shine in and through you.

Touching Base

When I awoke this morning and went out back with the dogs (because it was warm outside), a flock of doves flew away from my yard.  This is not usual unless I just havent noticed them before.

When I was walking Durby across the street (which looks like a tree farm), a couple of doves flew out of the trees.

Maybe it's the season for doves.  I am uncertain.  I know that they've been known to represent peace, the soul, and feminity.

In one of my 'go to' books, "Animal Speak" by Ted Andrews, it says the dove is about dawn and dusk.  "These are the "Between Times" - a time in which there is a thinning of the veils between the physical and the spiritual, the past and the future.  The dove can help you to use these times to see the creation process active within your own life.  The song of this totem tells you to mourn what has passed, but awaken to the promise of the future.  It is a bird of prophecy and can help you to see what you can give birth to in your life."

Interesting.

Just yesterday I received from a great woman, great friend of more than 30 years, a beautiful plaque that reads "She wasn't where she had been.  She wasn't where she was going... but she was on her way."  (Jodi Hess)

Is this what the dove can be 'saying' to me? 

May you hear what is being 'said' to you at this special time of year as we celebrate the birth of Jesus.

                                                 Angels in New York City, USA, 2011

Decision

I was struggling with if it was best for me to go to North Carolina (NC) and see what's happening with my dad for myself or stay home.  I knew my mind was more in NC than it was in Pennsylvania where my body was.

I went to my fun "The Alchemical Tarot" deck and book by Rosemary Ellen Guiley and Robert M. Place.  I picked a card and this is what it was:

9 of Vessels

The book reads "The image on the card relates to putting your emotional world in order and rising on its support.  It is the culmination of emotions."

"The Tarot wisdom:  Take all your emotions and memories, and let bygones be bygones.  Be on your way.  The emotions and memories associated with the past are your foundation, and can be built upon, but cannot be changed.  Do not try to change the past, but look to the future.  Do not worry; you are sure footed and will not stumble."

WOW is all I can say.  What fun!  Thank you Rosemary and Robert for compiling this wonderful, fun, easy and hands on experience for me. 

I just lay them out face down in a line and run my hand over them with my eyes closed and see what one 'calls' out to me.  (this is the way it works for me - I honor whatever way something works for you)

Have to admit - pretty cool!

I don't know if this is what gave me the strength to go, but I do know it was what I needed to bring to light and understand and believe from within. 

Crazy fun.

May you do something pretty cool and crazy fun for someone, if not yourself, today.

Can't Focus

I'm having no luck at all with focusing on anything today.  I'm over there; I'm doing this; I'm doing that and I'm not sure what, if anything, I've accomplished.

It is a dark, dreary, rainy, wonderful day.  December 21.

The longest night of the year.  The longest amount of darkness in a day.  It is the day that holds the shortest amount of sunlight we experience here in the northern hemisphere of our world.  I used to think that this, and I guess still do, would be a cool day to get married because it IS the longest night available to us.  Oh la la.

Starting tomorrow, we have more and more sunlight minutes.  I feel better on the accumulated minutes of sunlight than I do with losing the minutes.  I just like when it's light out at 9 p.m.  More time to 'play' outdoors in the sunlight. 

I am believing now, in my 'old' age, that it's best to just go with what is even with the darkness.  Perhaps, it's a time to rejuvenate and take some down time.  The farmers go with dawn to dusk and the crops grow with season to season.  If we eat what is in season locally and we rest more with the long dark hours, do our bodies, minds and spirits work optimally.  (How did I ever get here?) 

The one thing that I do know about my father is he loved growing his tomatoes.  He lived to grow his tomatoes.  (Is this how I got here?)

So interesting that when we allow our mind, thoughts and feelings to surface what comes.  I've learned a lot about my patterns, my feelings and my thoughts by writing them down here and seeing from post to post (at times) the similarities, the same focus, and how something really important or helpful can come from allowing our thoughts to prosper and live through us instead of burying them deep and keeping them there.

The process of life is what living is all about I'm believing more and more.  It's not reaching the goal or place so much as it is in the process of achieving and/or allowing the growth of what is yet to come.  What we have right now today is most important.  We are living our lives. 

"Be Here Now" is a beautiful way to live.  A way that, for me, does not come so natural. 

May you be here now and focus on what is happening with you and in front of you.  There may just be a secret waiting to show itself to you!

Lost

I'm not sure which way to head with this new post that my fingers have brought up.

Do I talk about Christmas; do I write about my trip to NC; do I write about me not being with it and yet not being closed down.

Christmas - This year I find that my "Christmas" is like no other I can ever remember.  I took my dad out of the hospital and into hospice.  I saw such suffering in his bed and I wanted to stop his suffering and show him love, support and whatever peace could come from not having to be turned on constantly and fighting the good fight, so to speak.  Is there a time to fight and a time to let God.  I believe there is.

I know one instance where I texted someone and then I found myself holding the phone up to my ear and realizing that I wasn't talking on the phone to anyone.  Oh my.  I knew I was out of it then.

It's amazing how the body, mind and spirit work together to get a job done, to participate in life (or death), to keep moving forward while not knowing the way. 

I think it's okay to feel lost sometimes.  I think it may even be imperative.  If we never get lost, then we never find something new, perhaps. 

It's the acceptance of where we are; what we feel and how we think that makes life a lot less stressful.  When I fight not wanting to feel/believe/be the way that I am - I certainly can wreak havoc.

I want to choose to accept and be who I am.  I want to share this me with whatever it is I'm doing and with whomever I'm doing it.  I want to enable, allow, provoke others to do the same.  I want to come from a place of love, joy and truth of what I know.  And, when I feel sad or down; I want to accept this as well.

The people that can congregate, tolerate and allow me to be me are the people that are best to be in my life; for them and for me.  It works both ways. 

May you find your congregation, toleration and allowance for the truth of yourself and others to entertwine in the true, loving way that it flows best for all.

Where do I come up with this stuff?  I have not a clue.  'out there'

May you just Be U and may I just Be Me.

4 Days to Christmas

Are we celebrating Jesus' birth.  Are we celebrating chaos and rushing and togetherness.  Are we relaxed or worn.  Are we joyful or trying our best to be.

I think all of the above.  I know that with children, Christmas can be a real hoot.  The fun, joy, excitement, anticipation that is created around little ones; well, there is nothing like it.  If you have little ones, I hope that you take and enjoy every moment because this time goes so fast and before we know it; this time is a memory. 

Actually, for all of us; we are all creating memories right now in this moment. 

My wish is that you are creating a wonderful, happy memory of whatever it is you want to feel and remember... - right now; right here; in this moment; may you be creating a joyful memory. 

No Words

I am back from NC.  I have no words to share at this moment; only my open heart.

With Christmas around the corner; I am hopeful that this is enough for now.

May your heart be open and may you live your truth in as many moments as you can.

I have known pure beauty, fulfillment and peace in this. 

I want the same for you.  I actually need it and, yet, when I say this I greatly hesitate;  it sounds so 'off'.  Why would I need others to have beauty, fulfillment and peace. 

It's something about when you have it, I know I am entitled to it as well.  However, it has to be through truth and nothing more or less.  Just simple truth of who, what, and where we are from our inner most, deepest depth.  How exhausted can I make myself.  ha.

We are all great at many things and we all know suffering and uncertainty too.   When we share the real self with the world, oh, it's a beautiful moment.   

Share on.  Do you dare?

North Carolina

I am going to North Carolina.

I wish you change if you know in your innermost self that 'change' will save you; or at least make you happier.

Having Trouble

I'm having trouble posting with my dad in the hospital fighting for his life, all alone and very sick.  Horrendous is the only word that comes to mind.

The nurse last night said she'd hate for me to come all the way down there and he not know who I am.  I very much dislike the fact that I've held many a dying person's hand and I am not there for the man who gave me birth.

He never wanted me in his life in any big way.  He always ran and pushed me away.  Of course, this is how I feel; I don't know what he really felt or thought.  I only know he wasn't reachable for the longest time and when he was, briefly, he disappeared again.  The last few years we have talked on the phone and he still wanted to be like an "island" and do his own thing in his own way.

He can no longer do this and I'm lost as what or where I would be best in his life as it is now.  I am in turmoil and as much that there is a part of me that wants to reach out to him; there is the same amount of me that wants to keep the status quo.

How dare I do this.  How dare I not do this.  I seriously find it hard to breathe and I just want him to not suffer and to know I care and other than sit with him; his life is still out of my hands.

I see myself going and disconnecting him from everything he is connected to and give him the freedom that he has fought and ran most of his entire life to achieve.  Not knowing how to care for all his ailments scares me.  Leaving him stuck to a hospital bed scares me too.

I am asking for a sign as to where God wants me to be.  One minute I know I am going; the next I am staying put.

Oh, I have a great ability to drive myself crazy for sure.  I did not put myself in this situation; or did I.  I must have or I wouldn't be here, yes. 

I am grateful for the people celebrating life; celebrating Christmas; sharing joy with the world and each other.  I am sorry that it's not in my heart to make this a priority and I am sort of accepting that this is my truth and that it must be my truth for a reason.

I will celebrate Jesus' birthday.  I do celebrate my family, friends and loved ones.  I celebrate in my heart, soul and inner knowing that it is okay to not pretend my life is something that it is not. 

I am in pain.  I am sad.  I am not understanding that life and living can feel so cruel.  I still know joy in love; I still know love in people; I still know that I'm okay even though it doesn't feel so easily.

May you allow yourself to feel your pain and still also know joy.  We humans feel it all.

This just may be good news and bad news (to feel pain and also still know joy).    Or can it just be.... so it is....

What's On My Mind

My mind is constantly on this man that is my father suffering in the hospital.  It's hard for me to keep from thinking about this.

Does this mean that maybe it's my best option to go down there and be physically there as well.

I'm not calm or doing much good here while my thinking is elsewhere. In fact, I'm going to bed nervous and waking up nervous.  Is this my inner knowing telling me where I would be best there living my truest self.
The answer 'yes' to go is so fraught with frustration, sorrow, guilt and fear.  Frustation figuring out how to just get up and go.  Sorrow in leaving my loved ones at this special time of year.  Guilt is leaving my loved ones at Christmas time as well.  Fear because once I get down there - what would it be like and what would I be expected to do.  Am I able and willing to do these things.

Peace in thinking he is not down there enduring this alone if I go.

What's a woman with a sick father, that I haven't had a great human relationship with, to do.

Are you listening, hearing and acting on what is going on in your head? Is it a choice to hear it, ignore it or even a little of both? 

In truth, I've spent more time (in my head) in North Carolina, USA than where my body is in Pennsylvania.  Can I be in charge of this behavior.  This is what I'm going to 'play with' today.

I'm currently not too sane on this subject.

Maybe sanity is not what it's all cracked up to be.  Ha.   Get it....sanity...cracked up!  lol

7 Days Til Christmas

I am unable to make it to New York City this year to enjoy the Christmas Spirit that it so vibrantly offers.  However, I'm so lucky that I have beautiful people in my life that will send me pictures of same.

I love going to New York City at Christmastime; the smell of the chestnuts roasting; everyone bundled up; the beautiful lights, the ice skaters, the wonderful window dressings, the famous Rockettes, the gigantic Christmas Tree.

My wonderful niece sent this picture to me and I want to share it with you.  I'm sure many of you have traditions and I'm hoping you are visiting and experiencing them and I also hope that you allow love and hope to create joy that work with your life today as it is.

My wish for you is that you be happy with what you have; where you are and see the blessings in it.  As I say this I know that many of us are struggling or our lives are changing from what we've known.  May we embrace what is and I do know that when I stop to look, I still see much beauty, love and wonder in my life as it is today.

May you see the beauty, love and wonder in your life as it is today.

Gratefulness is the word I want to embrace today.  I have so very much to be thankful for.

May you know gratefulness today.

                                                  Tree at Rockefeller Center 2011

8 Day Til Christmas

The decorations are up.  The cookies are made.  The Christmas music is on.  The fireplace is burning.

This year, Christmas means something different to me than giving and receiving.  It's about sharing and living; creating memories; creating joy and a calm togetherness just being.  This year I am finding that this season shows to me that it's about connecting, forgiving, helping, and sharing what is inside of me and living me through these feelings.

Living is here for us to do.  Dying is not an option; it is a definite part of living.  We will live until we die.  or will we?

Do I think that there is always tomorrow to visit this person or accomplish that?  Do I think there is always tomorrow to make this better or figure out that.

Today, this moment, in complete truth, is all we really do 100% have to live.   The past days are past even if we keep memories and pictures in our mind.  The future days we live in hope of them and we are not guaranteed we will have our human time in them. 

Are you doing in this moment what you truly want to do?  My wish is that you do today what truly makes you feel content, loving and fulfilled.

And, when you get this energy, please send it out to our world.  We all want it.  We all deserve it.  Perhaps, this is what is being human is best about.

The meaner I am, the more lost I feel.  This is true for me.  Is it true for you.

May we all connect to the part of ourselves that knows we got it going on; in the truest sense of who we are!

Our Own Strength

Is what happening in the world economically, and so much more, about us being shown our true strength?
 
I'm feeling like this is what is happening in and around my life.  I am being shown the true strength of the human race.  And, we are awesome.

I see and know sickness; I see divorce; I see death; I see fear and I see people, including myself, having to live differently than what we were used to; having to change with what is now. 

Watching the world around me destruct and grow; lose and gain; hate and love; help and hurt; I am amazed watching survival of so many and the strength of so many that endure.

God; the Universe, something greater than myself is creating the opportunity for many of us to know our strength.

My hope is that you see and know your own strength and you believe in it and the world's.

We can start to create the world that we all would be better living in today.  It is now; it is time.

Are you ready?

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Letting Go

I'm finding myself letting go of many little things that I have allowed to bother me.  I am catching myself questioning myself when my thoughts and feelings are not the same as others. 

I am thinking that my habit has been when I hear other thoughts on the same subject that differ from mine, my immediate response was thinking that I must be the one that was 'messed up' or 'wrong'.  I almost immediately would confer within my own brain that, perhaps, my thinking needed to be changed either a little or dramatically.  I would allow others' viewpoints to become more important than my own. 

I am thinking that I became really good at minimalizing my own beliefs and inner knowing and accepting other's same as the 'correct' or 'better' belief or option.

This is huge.  This is not what I want to do.  I want to hear my own inner knowing and, as best as I can in each situation, act or live by this way; my way.  The way that I was 'made' to live.

I sat down here not knowing what I was going to write.  I am surprised by what has come to fruition here.

The complexity of my mind and my habits and my beliefs overwhelm me AND this time in a good way.

Can I get an Amen? 

I want to be able to say "I did it my way".  HA

May you be able to say, in all your glory, that you are living your life your way.

My wish is that kindness, love, compassion, care, gentleness to ourself and others prevail while we do this.

9 days to Christmas!

Asking Cells

I get in my car and have on the NYU (New York University) "Doctor" radio show, on Satellite, and I hear "we are asking our cells to change"  BAM!  I got a laugh because earlier I blogged about getting all my cells to believe completely that we are all as we are supposed to be in this moment in time.

It was a show on plastic surgery.                       .

Wouldn't it be cool if we could get on a table and someone perform 'work' with us and when we got up from the table that our cells could 'know' differently.

Hey, wait.  There is!  Cranial Sacral, some Massages, NET, Acupuncture, Somato Emotional Release, Meditation, even Movement and so many other modalities help with this.  All these things can change our way of thinking if we are open to it and let it play out with ease, trust and belief in our own inner knowing.   For me, it has become easy to believe; because I have experienced much of this again and again.

I have felt the shape of my head change and I have felt more blood going to my skin and I have felt old beliefs leave me and chances at a new life enter me.

Oh, the excitement of exploring inwardly.  It is not for cowards.  And, I have felt cowardly often.

It seems the more afraid I am when going for a treatment or an 'inward exploratory visit' of some kind; the more productive the visit is.  Some days I did not want to go with everything that I was feeling.  I didn't want anything at all to do with it.  I went anyway and afterwards - I always feel lighter, stronger and happier.  I would many times feel exhaustion and, yet, I felt different; better.

My wish for you is that if you feel yourself resisting something; you let it become a part of you and see what happens and learn from it.  I believe 'it' shows itself for a reason.  If we choose not to resist or judge and just allow what is; it can be amazingly awesome what we just might find out. 

Our inner knowing rocks only when we listen to it.

May you hear your inner knowing today and follow it through and rock on. 

I'm right there with you if you want me to be.

Audience

ON this blog, they call the readers "audience".  My "audience" has more than doubled since this time last year.  It's still small as the web goes and I'm getting nervous just knowing that there is a steady stream of readers now reading my words.

OOoooooo.  Scary stuff for me. 

My wish is that you are with me for the ride to find and live the real and true you.  If, one time, you do something great for yourself because of words you have read here - then I am successful and THANK YOU.

For me, it's about being who we are.  It's all about Being U in everything we do, are and share.

This kowning of an "audience" really does frighten me to a very uncomfortable place within myself; and I also love it.

I say bring it on.  This is what I am here on this earth to do.  My daughter rides, knows and lives horses.  I live to share the depth of who we are with each other.

Why me and why is it so scary?   And so it is......

May you walk through the fear that you face today knowing that you are good enough without having to prove anything.

We are enough.  We matter.   We are meant to be as we are.  We are okay in this very moment. 

Now can someone please tell the rest of my cells this truth!

Full House

My house is full of workers/helpers again today.  A lot is getting accomplished and I feel like I am being pulled in this way; that way; under here; up there; etc.

How does one stay sane while being pulled in so many directions.  Maybe one isn't supposed to stay sane.  Is it still best for me if I don't question it and just get it done.  Maybe I can voice the truth that I'm not strong enough or interested enough to handle so many jobs at one time anymore. (there's a new concept)

I am very grateful for the expert people that work here and help me.  I am learning to either leave the house completely or just accept the chaos along with the organization while they are here.  Or is it best to be aware and to share the honesty of where I am. (same concept popping up again!)

Isn't this life in general?  We have an idea of what we are going to do and to continue on and change with the truth of how it actually turns out works best, perhaps.  When I accept what is around me with my absolute truth - oh -- LIFE IS GOOD.  When I fight and despair with pretense (or bury what I'm feeling), I find myself miserable and unhappy. 

May you accept what is your life today, be true to how you feel about it, and share/change yourself around this. 

Thought to ponder - is it easier to change how you react to a situation or to change the situation itself?  Both take work and I KNOW YOU ARE WORTH IT.

"You know you got it if it makes you feel good."  Janis Joplin

Update

Today, my father's breathing became stronger and easier for him to use his lungs and strengthen his body.  Amazing.  Amazing.

The ups and downs of this man's journey.

It has me totally travelling roads I have never been on.

Life apparently has many more roads than I could ever imagine.  Possibilities are endless.

I hope this goes both ways.  I know it does.

May you allow for a wonderful possibility to turn into your reality today.

Complete

I find it interesting what is in our life when we open our eyes and see.

""We die, not because we are ill but because we are complete," he told his dharma class.  "Illness is the occassion of our dying, but not the cause.""  From the book "My Grandfather's Blessings" by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

Thank you Rachel for being in my life right when I need your words.  And, to the wonderful woman who suggested this book to me over 6 months ago...Thank you for your inner knowing on so many different occassions of what I need to hear.  Thank you for your love.  Weird how I would pick it up to read it now and be exactly where I am in the book.

Is this a sign from God; about universal connection; that connection to each other is best?

May you, my appreciated reader, connect to a sign that gives you an extra positive outlook on life today.
                                                                        

Fear

My dad is most likely going to be taking his last breath any time now and I can not seem to NOT allow fear to encompass me.

It amazes me that this is my life and that I now know where he is and how to find him.  I know a telephone number where he is and, maybe for the first time in my life; there is a part of me that wishes I didn't know this information.

For years, I cried, prayed and lived wishing I knew where he was and wanted a connection to him.  Now, I have a connection to him and, yet, pain is still what I know.

Why.

My breath is heavy.  My heart is beating uncomfortably and it feels like fear is in most of my cells.  It is hard, but not impossible, to trust the process of what is.  I am trusting it by lack of choice and I highly dislike this situation. 

To know of a man, any man, suffering and alone is almost more than I can stand.  Yet, I'm choosing to suffer alone.  I stay here in my home waiting for I don't know what.  Something to change me.

I'm not out in the world.  I tell myself I'm too sick; I'm needed here; it's easier to just stay put; money is tight, I can't function enough.  I suffer alone.

I am confused and strangled.  I am hopeful and stuck in this moment.  I await word and I'm stopped. 

The places I find myself are amazing, unknown, uncomfortable and, in truth, I am still okay.  What a crazy thing being human is.

I hear some people say occupy your time and your mind, it's easier.  Yes, when I ignore what is right in front of me that I don't want to see, it is easier for the moment.  And, in my experience, what is in front of me always catches up to me.

If I stay with what is, is it a shorter 'sentence'?  This oddity called life.  Is there perhaps things we are just not supposed to be privy to and, therefore, not supposed to change until it changes.

I'm out there even for me....I'm out there. 

I bear witness to what is and know that some things are out of my hands and know that there are greater Hands than my own that will carry us all through.

So far, we have all been carried through some real 'stuff'.  And we survive.  I guess we survive until we do not.

So,' as I'm surviving, I will love and care and send whatever light I can out into my world.  It just feels better for me to do so.

I can know light even though I also know fear.

May we each light up something today.

Brain

I can feel my brain reconnect, rework, and restabilize my cognitive thinking patterns.  I can feel stagnation, confusion, overwork and resistance to change up here in my head.  I can feel things clicking into the new configuration.

I feel burnout and I feel new growth.

While working on changing things up in my life, my brain; my cells, my body, EVERYTHING has to go along with these changes and there is great resistant for my auto-pilot to give up what it has known and how I have reacted to life for so many years.

I am changing and living the change and it does not come naturally.  I can easily get mad that I have to relearn things.  I get aggravated that what I need to know and do now does not come naturally and just happen just because I want or need it to.  I have to work to claim the life I want to live now.  There is much work to do.  I am doing it.  I am going full steam ahead.

I wish my relationships could/would just go along with how I need them to be.  I wish my body would respond in favor of what I want to do always.  I wish my brain would just know the right thing to do in the moment easily and just do it.  This is not my truth.  My truth is that I have to re-educate myself to do what works for me now with the life that I have today. 

When I feel cold, WOW - I can put more layers on; I can find heat; I can use hand warmers.  When I feel irritable, I can look and see what I am doing or how I am acting that makes me irritable and change it.  When I feel happy, I can realize what is making me happy and do this more often.  When I hurt or feel pain, I can STOP and acknowledge and do what is needed for my pain to lessen or I can choose to ignore it and my own needs and carry on.

When I live my truth, I see and hear others living theirs.  It's a highly beautiful way of life.

May you be highly beautiful today.

Tis the Season

As I awake this beautiful morning, I see frost on the ground and the sun in the sky making the frost sparkle with beauty.

It is 23 deg F and the ground crunches as I walk on it.  I saw a deer out back and I went to bring it an apple and as I walk out there 10 deer run off.  1 apple is not going to feed 10 deer.  It was the first time I decided to give any food to the deer.  I was afraid to encourage them to stay in the area.  My dogs bark and bark when they travel behind the fence of my yard.

I wake up to light the fire; the Christmas tree lights are already on through the magic of a timer and I hit a button to make the Christmas music come on in several rooms of my home.  Electronic gadgets do make life easier in many ways.

My hands are swollen and it's not easy to pick up a glass and drink the orange juice that I poured in it.  It's easier when I use two hands so I find myself doing this more often. 

I embrace the day and look forward to living it out.  It was invigorating breathing in the cold air and watching my breath leave a trace of steam.  I am trying to enjoy what is for me today in my life. 

May you enjoy What Is today in your life.  May you breathe in the life around you that makes you feel content.

Big Aha

"I always knew what mattered.  I just never felt entitled to live by it before."*

I always said that I know deep down what I need, want, think and feel.  I just do not know how to bring it on the outside of myself.

I now feel 'entitled' to live ME.  In truth, I feel obligated to live the life I have been put on this earth to live.  Am I dishonoring God (my creator) if I choose to stay closed, quiet and not share what is inside of me.

I believe we are all here together and at the same time for a reason.  May we connect by living our true selves and see what happens.

Are you honoring your life by sharing what is inside of YOU?

Quote from the book "My Grandfather's Blessings" by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

I am so enjoying this book.

Astuteness

"After twenty years of working with people with cancer, I have come to realize how much stress is caused by the sad fact that many of us believe in one way and live in quite another.  Stress may be more a matter of personal integrity than time pressure, determined by the distance between our authentic values and how we live our lives."

Thank you Dr. Remen for putting words to what a lot of us experience from time to time.

Is this a possible reason for dis-ease?

Is there too much distance between your inner knowing and your outer doing?

*Quote from the book "My Grandfather's Blessings" by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

'Befriend Life'

I write my post 'Been Up' and I go back to bed to read the book "My Grandfather's Blessing" by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD and this is what I read.

"The wisdom to befriend life will find us anyway, whether or not we pursue it.  We may live in a familiar circle of experience for many years among the attitudes, beliefs, places, and relationships that define our everyday world.  But it is only a matter of time until something invites us or requires us to reach beyond the familiar, to experience something never before felt or seen, something perhaps not even imaginable.  The experience can break open our sense of what the world is about and draw us closer to who we are.  Such experiences usually involve either suffering or joy.  Both will leave us wiser."

I love her astuteness.

May you embrace your experience of life today.  Embrace what is.

Sound of Silence

"Perhaps the most important thing we bring to another person is the silence in us.  Not the sort of silence that is filled with unspoken criticism or hard withdrawal.  The sort of silence that is a place of refuge, of rest, of acceptance of someone as they are.  We are all hungry for this other silence.  It is hard to find.  In its presence we can remember something beyond the moment, a strength on which to build a life.  Silence is a place of great power and healing.  Silence is God's lap."

From the book "My Grandfather's Blessing" by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

May you hear the silence today.

'Hearing'

"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Been Up

I have been awake since 3 a.m.  Is is the excitement of the holidays?  Is it too much on my mind?  Is it my body wants to move more?  Is it that I fell asleep early?

Yes, yes, yes and yes.

I am still in the process of changing things up.  Everyday I see and learn something new.  I am bombarded with new ways, thoughts, desires and aha moments.

Life is coming at me full steam ahead and I can't stop seeing things as they are and questioning if it works for me and creating what does.  I am full of exhilaration and tired from the constant change.

I want the change; I embrace the change.  How deep within can one go?  Deeper than I ever thought or dreamt possible.

I continue on.  I have open arms and an open heart.  I trust the process of what is.  I share what I am.

This 'territory' is very foreign and unknown to me.  I feel excited and ready.  Fear is not as prevalent in my life.  Fear is not going to stop me from living my truth; from living who I am; from living onward.

FEAR - I laugh at you and know that the most real you are is only in my head.  Am I the one that is making fear real?  I think so.  I will choose to question you everytime you come forward.

FEAR - I leave you in the dust.

If fear sometimes has a hold on us - can we question whether it's real or, perhaps, just notice it and choose to walk onward; barrel through; laugh; love or warrior on.

May you hear yourself today and respond in favor of YOU today.

I wish you freedom from whatever you wish to be free from.

Inner Compass

"There are many ways of knowing, and sometimes we can know in a flash things that we can never understand.  It is possible to be standing in your kitchen and feel the breath of God.  Perhaps each of us has an inner compass that points to our true self.  Whether we follow it or not, it will not diminish in power; it always points in the direction of integrity, the way home"

May you be holding your inner compass in your hands, mind and heart today so you find it easy to Be U.  May you know what your 'home' feels like to you.

May you always have your 'home' with you.

From the book "My Grandfather's Blessings" by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

Blessings

"Blessing life is about filling yourself up so that your blessings overflow onto others"

from the book "My Grandfather's Blessings" by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

May you be filled with divine light today so it may shine out into our world and connect us to each other.

Where I'm At

I'm kind of burned out.  I see myself leaning on things like shopping carts and table tops.  I see myself out of breath a bit. 

My eyes are not clear and my head is foggy; my thought process is not easily engaged.

I have one sore on my thumb still and the skin of my fingers feel so tight, dehydrated and hard.  My skin on my face feels tight and stiff as well.  The word  "non-pliant" comes to mind.

I feel out of it and certainly dialed down to low. 

HOWEVER, I hear myself voicing almost every honest thought about each and every situation I encounter.  I hear others sharing their truest selves with me.  I feel honored and so grateful for these connections. 

I am thankful that others are willing to take this journey towards self with me.  It's beauty is unmatched to anything I have ever experienced.  The connection that I feel to these people is unsurpassed.

Oh, there have been some real 'doozers'.  Some real true, frustrating and very dormant inner knowings have come to fruition.  Meaning, I have shared some real powerful words, feelings and communications that I have resisted for a very long time with people.  However, we chose to stick with the conversations through love and what came out of it were what I can only describe as sparks of beauty in the air that settled around us and eveloped us and we were connected on a different, better, more truer level than I could ever have imagined possible.

So, all of this 'work' is completely exhausting to me.  Yet, the power and truth of living my power and truth is .... priceless/bottomless/beyond the sky as a limit.

May you connect with your truth and power on a deeper, most real, level today.

Dancing in the Street

I had a cranial sacral session today.  I went deep within and found my 7 year old self sitting in the corner with her knees up to her chest and her head down on her knees.  I sat down next to her.  She came up on my lap.  We hugged in my mind's eye.

What came up for me is that when I feel vibrant, happy and outrageous; if I show too much energy that people around me can't take me.  They get mad at me.  I come against anger.

This is what I believed to be true when I was 7.  Perhaps, some adults in my life were so tied up in their own grief and troubles, that they could not take on a bouncy, happy, upbeat child from time to time.  I chose to shut down and strangle a part of me to not bother them; to not create turmoil; to not create anger around me.

The therapist and I continued to discuss this and she came up with .. you can dance in the streets if you want.  I came up with .. I'd like to go out in the parking lot and dance.  She said ok, what are you going to do.  I said we are going out to the parking lot to dance.  She said what do you want to do.  I said I need you to dance too. 

So, off to the parking lot we went and we jumped and spun and laughed.

It was brilliantly outrageous!

I don't know what will happen, if anything, from this.  I do know it felt right, was fun and I will be forever grateful of her willingness to go with me and support me.  She was awesome!  (THANK YOU)

My wish is that you find your own dancing in the street today!

Hard Time Posting

I'm having a hard time posting lately because what is in my life is very nebulous (vague, hazy, indistinct, confused) where my dad is concerned.

I do not want to seem harsh, unkind, uncaring, or just morally wrong in posting. 

Sickness; life and death; turmoil in relationships are all a part of living in this human form.  However, as a group of humanoids, a lot of us may not freely discuss, easily, this part of life. 

So, as I'm watching and supporting (as best I can) my father with what he is living through, I am trying my best to keep my blog about me.  I am very hesitant to share and yet, my goal is to share my truth always as I'm struggling at the bottom and flying at the top and everything in between.

I'm finding myself hesitant to sit down and type. 

I'd like to say that my goal is to share all of life and living through love and my own experience.  My hope that something deep within gets touched again and again.

May we all just be the real us, together.

Namaste.
which means "I see the divine spark within you."*

From the book "My Grandfather's Blessings" by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

9 a.m.

I called the ICU at 9 am to check in on the patient and the operator tells me that no calls can be forwarded to the ICU center because they are currently under an emergency situation.

The power that I felt behind this call was like I was standing right next to a loud church bell that was ringing.  I knew that it didn't mean that it was my father and I waited to hear.

Dad, with so little life force apparent, was the emergency situation and is still trying to get up and go.  Amazing is the only word that comes to my mind.

I feel like I am reaching the deepest depth of myself through all this.  I feel that I am connecting to a part of myself that has been dormant, asleep, shut off since I was 7. 

I am highly distraught with the highs and lows of this man's ever changing fight for his life and yet I feel completely connected to who I am.  I almost feel complete to know this depth of myself.  I'm wondering if I'm really crazy or the most sane I've ever been. 

I'm trying to make this as much about me as possible.  I feel I do not want to come from any other place because I believe that this is the best way to  honor everyone whose life touches mine.  I cannot speak for others and I'm trying my best to not tread on anyone.  I come from love and honor and non-judgement as best I can.  I believe it best to try to keep the focus on myself as much as possible.  I truly want peace for all and I honor all life to the very best of my ability in the manner that I know how to today. 

I'm hoping I don't swerve too far out of my own lane, so to speak.  My intent is, and always has been, to share only my true experience as I see it, know it and live it. 

May you choose to live your life seeing it, knowing it and living it for what it truly is today.  Are you present in your life?  Are you hearing your inner most knowing?
            

Where I'm At

I'm going to try this.  Not sure what will come out of it.  (deep breath)

I'm feeling guilt.  I'm feeling sadness.  I'm feeling hope.  I'm feeling anxiety.  I'm feeling wonder.  I'm feeling amazement.  I'm feeling fear.  I'm feeling glory.  I'm feeling abundance.  I'm feeling loved.  I'm feeling unloved.

I can state that I'm pretty much feeling everything. 

And, this makes me tired.  Ha.

Where are you at today?

Sick

(and not in a good way)

My dad had a major setback.  He is in ICU on a breathing tube again.  Build up of too much carbon monoxide?  Lungs retaining too much fluid?  How can this be.....when he is in a professional, medical environment.   God most powerful

I'm saddened and sickened when his life is in my mind; I still feel lost.

I guess if honesty would be forthcoming, I am not lost.  I am hurt beyond complete repair as he most likely is.

I live.  We are uncertain about him.

I need to carry on and live.  Do I know how?  You bet I do.  Do I want to choose this?  Yes.  Do I fear it?  You bet.

We are thrown many 'balls' to play throughout our lives.  We play them as best we can with the knowledge we have through past experiences and what we know today and who we are.  We grab the happy and joy when it's here and I want to dismiss the pain and hurt when it arrives.  However, to live through it all and carry on with love, trust and hope in our hearts is my best way possible.

The human experience can be the most gut wrenching, awe-inspiring, versatile experience there is. 

Are you living your experience?

please send prayer, good energy, healing through peace of what is to this man if it feels like something right for you to do

Falling Apart

A lot that I see, hear and feel are lives falling apart, away, becoming unhinged as we knew them.  CHANGE IS IN OUR FACE as an united and divided people.

So many stories, emotions, feelings, chaotic situations are happening all around me in many lives.

Whew.  We are in it.

The great news is we can take hold and create what works for us now, today; our future.

If this is you....

What do you plan to do with it?

May you choose revealing your internal self externally through trust and love.

                                 What tune are you choosing to play today?  Ha.

Interesting Experiment

To create a different, more effective and loving relationship with someone whose relationship with me was defined 50 years ago is quite the coo. 

I'm holding my own lovingly and supportively.

I believe we are both better for it.  However, I'm not sure how the other person truly feels.  I feel honest, open, loving and empowered.

It is a long, strange trip to being completely me.

There is no way I am taking a detour now.

May you be part of the definition of each of your relationships by bringing only you to the forefront with love, care and truth.

It's all Relative

I'm going to be spending time with one of my oldest, closest, dearest relatives today.  We have had a relationship that pretty much works out that they tell me the game plan and I play along.  (for the most part but not always)

Today, it's going to be different.  I am going to try my best to have her needs met AND my own this time.  I am not a child.  She is not the adult.  We are both adults and it's time I teach us both this.

I'm noticing a pattern here recently!

So, as nervous as I am, I am hoping this will be an enlightening day with love and compromise prevailing and ending with happiness for both.  I hope it's not a "Dream On" situation, ha.

Here goes.

Is there a new, YOU,  pattern waiting to enter your life today?

The good news is only I can change it.  The bad news is only I can change it.

Change on!