Be U: Having Trouble

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Having Trouble

I'm having trouble posting with my dad in the hospital fighting for his life, all alone and very sick. Horrendous is the only word that comes to mind.

The nurse last night said she'd hate for me to come all the way down there and he not know who I am. I very much dislike the fact that I've held many a dying person's hand and I am not there for the man who gave me birth.

He never wanted me in his life in any big way. He always ran and pushed me away. Of course, this is how I feel; I don't know what he really felt or thought. I only know he wasn't reachable for the longest time and when he was, briefly, he disappeared again. The last few years we have talked on the phone and he still wanted to be like an "island" and do his own thing in his own way.

He can no longer do this and I'm lost as what or where I would be best in his life as it is now. I am in turmoil and as much that there is a part of me that wants to reach out to him; there is the same amount of me that wants to keep the status quo.

How dare I do this. How dare I not do this. I seriously find it hard to breathe and I just want him to not suffer and to know I care and other than sit with him; his life is still out of my hands.

I see myself going and disconnecting him from everything he is connected to and give him the freedom that he has fought and ran most of his entire life to achieve. Not knowing how to care for all his ailments scares me. Leaving him stuck to a hospital bed scares me too.

I am asking for a sign as to where God wants me to be. One minute I know I am going; the next I am staying put.

Oh, I have a great ability to drive myself crazy for sure. I did not put myself in this situation; or did I. I must have or I wouldn't be here, yes.

I am grateful for the people celebrating life; celebrating Christmas; sharing joy with the world and each other. I am sorry that it's not in my heart to make this a priority and I am sort of accepting that this is my truth and that it must be my truth for a reason.

I will celebrate Jesus' birthday. I do celebrate my family, friends and loved ones. I celebrate in my heart, soul and inner knowing that it is okay to not pretend my life is something that it is not.

I am in pain. I am sad. I am not understanding that life and living can feel so cruel. I still know joy in love; I still know love in people; I still know that I'm okay even though it doesn't feel so easily.

May you allow yourself to feel your pain and still also know joy. We humans feel it all.

This just may be good news and bad news (to feel pain and also still know joy). Or can it just be.... so it is....

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!