Be U: My Final Goodbye

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, December 30, 2011

My Final Goodbye

When I told my dad why I came to the hospital to help him to move forward by either having the surgeons operate one more time or to give up the fight with medical science and let God carry him forward; I believe he was very relieved. First things he said when he knew I was there was "turn up the heat" and "this is the end".

I spent 2 days with him and maybe one hour where he was lucid where we were able to share somewhat of a conversation. He understood that I was there to help him move forward; either to have more surgery or stop the medical life support and let God take over. I told him I wouldn't leave until he was settled and it was in his control and it was his choice.

After talking to professionals from the hospital and from hospice; we all found agreement in the fact that it just may be time to unhook everything that was keeping my dad alive and fighting for his life and send him over to the hospice center and make him as comfortable as humanly possible and let him have his dignity and take away his suffering. I believe this is what was given him; with love, support and faith. I believe he fought the strongest fight for life I have ever seen.

When he knew it was time to leave the hospital and go to hospice to let God take the lead, without medical intervention; he looked me in my eyes; thanked me and pulled me close to him. It was the most beautiful moment I ever remember having with him and he tried to talk more and I told him there was no need for words. I said "I know and it's okay" and we looked into each others eyes and we both knew the love we lost and the gratitude for what we were experiencing. He needed me to tell my siblings of his great love and his great sorrow where his children were concerned. The 'sitter' in the room had tears in her eyes as she watched us and she assured me that she had seen what I knew I experienced.

I am grateful and appreciative that I was able to live this moment even with all the pain, agony, suffering and despair that was a part of it. We experienced love, understanding, trust, faith and a quiet, extremely strong connection of cosmic proportions.

This experience with my dad has been one of the most strong bonds, within this human realm here on Earth, that I ever experienced on so many different levels. It feels to me that we knew dire distress to sacred beauty and many things in between.

May you always bring the real, true you to your relationships as you move forward. May you experience the sacred beauty that can occur from your own authenticity. May you allow your authentic self to connect to the authentic self in others.

This I wish for all of us as often as possible.

May we all come from a place of the belief that we are all doing the best we can with what we know and what we have experienced. This I believe with my heart, my brain and all the cells of my being.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!