Be U: Fear

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Fear

My dad is most likely going to be taking his last breath any time now and I can not seem to NOT allow fear to encompass me.

It amazes me that this is my life and that I now know where he is and how to find him. I know a telephone number where he is and, maybe for the first time in my life; there is a part of me that wishes I didn't know this information.

For years, I cried, prayed and lived wishing I knew where he was and wanted a connection to him. Now, I have a connection to him and, yet, pain is still what I know.

Why.

My breath is heavy. My heart is beating uncomfortably and it feels like fear is in most of my cells. It is hard, but not impossible, to trust the process of what is. I am trusting it by lack of choice and I highly dislike this situation.

To know of a man, any man, suffering and alone is almost more than I can stand. Yet, I'm choosing to suffer alone. I stay here in my home waiting for I don't know what. Something to change me.

I'm not out in the world. I tell myself I'm too sick; I'm needed here; it's easier to just stay put; money is tight, I can't function enough. I suffer alone.

I am confused and strangled. I am hopeful and stuck in this moment. I await word and I'm stopped.

The places I find myself are amazing, unknown, uncomfortable and, in truth, I am still okay. What a crazy thing being human is.

I hear some people say occupy your time and your mind, it's easier. Yes, when I ignore what is right in front of me that I don't want to see, it is easier for the moment. And, in my experience, what is in front of me always catches up to me.

If I stay with what is, is it a shorter 'sentence'? This oddity called life. Is there perhaps things we are just not supposed to be privy to and, therefore, not supposed to change until it changes.

I'm out there even for me....I'm out there.

I bear witness to what is and know that some things are out of my hands and know that there are greater Hands than my own that will carry us all through.

So far, we have all been carried through some real 'stuff'. And we survive. I guess we survive until we do not.

So,' as I'm surviving, I will love and care and send whatever light I can out into my world. It just feels better for me to do so.

I can know light even though I also know fear.

May we each light up something today.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!