After Christmas Day

It is the day after the Christmas holiday.  It is a wet and rainy morning.  Dark and grey.  I see 'pops' of color out of the window.  It feels nice; gloomy and nice.  The trees happily dance with the raindrops.  The water from the fountain bubbles up and over to provide a constant movement of play. 

The fountain next to me sings happily as the water flows its way through the man-made stone. 

The house is quiet.  My dogs lay on the floor.  My cat is already upstairs finding its comfortable space.  My bird sits on its perch and simply hangs out.

My husband is up and out doing errands and my daughter sleeps snugly in. 

I am blessed.  I am truly blessed.  In this moment, right now, my blessings show me abundance.  I am grateful. 

The bamboo outside of my window, with it's tan bark and it's playful leaves, rise high towards the heavens.  (remember, this is the day after Christmas, ha)

The pharmacy did not come through for me this week.  As I tried to drop off my prescription on Tuesday, I was told to bring it back on Thursday.  I brought it back on Thursday and they were open on Friday (Christmas) and was told I could pick it up then.  As I called on Friday, I was told there was no way they could confirm same with the doctor.  WHAT?!?!  Of course there was not...   And, Saturday and Sunday, there is no office hours either..   I told the pharmacist of my experience.  I was told it is protocol and no matter how long I have been going there, it is the protocol.  So, here I sit Saturday, scared and tired somewhat, frustrated and uncared for, as my body is dependent on the pain medicine that the medical world has put me on...  They truly have a part of my life in their hands.  I gave it to them...   What a hard [another absent] pill to take., so to speak.  Hmm

I know fear of stopping them because I have grown to be afraid of pain and, yet, I still have it every day.   And, the thought of what the pain would be like without the medicine...  I shudder.  Oh boy.  I have a few to 'hold' me okay.  I'd rather not 'play this game' and, yet, it is the option I find myself living. 

This is my 'cross to bear' just now.  Am I really in America?  Doesn't feel so...  It makes me think about the 'black market' of drugs...   Crazy place I find myself.  And, perhaps, this is exactly what is supposed to happen.  May we stop killing who we are with drugs (of any kind).  Many are; many are not. 

I am only on this one medicine.  All the other medicine I have been administered and tried gave me no relief or help.  Many made me sick.  Many I have no clue what they did to me and there are none made specifically for scleroderma.  This one pill still has me tied to the dis-ease as it creates such distress within myself.  And, I know I am creating it, not the pill.  My thought about the medicine and the way it is administered here is what is causing me the stress.   Full circle I suppose.  Always had some guilt with taking any medicine.  This guilt is surely playing out loud just now...  I feel like a criminal here where I live.  I was asked to give another urine sample this last doctor visit. I have signed all the forms each and every appointment.  I have complied with it all and I am still the one lost, alone, in this mess that I find myself in.  Is this, in itself, criminal... 

Life.  It surely flows its own way.  I either flow with it as best I can or I fight it...  Just sometimes, I do not like my options.!. 

So, between the blessings and the hardship, I sit and am choosing to flow onward to the best of my ability.  I love on because it is who I am.  I speak my truth even when it falls on deaf ears because in speaking my truth, I am walking in fulfillment.  I am being all that I can be and for this moment, I am enough, I am still safe, I am loved and I am challenged.  I am living.  This, is my life today. 

May you live on and through as you... as what you choose to connect to and feel best in connecting with.  May you  be love in the chaos and love in the peacefulness of everything that is your life for you to live and walk through.  Live on.  Amen

I believe we fight until we have no fight left in us.  It is easier for me to love than to fight.  I don't know if this is good or bad or somewhere in between.  I do know this is me today.  I feel as I have fought this fight long and hard.  I don't know if I am victorious or not...  God knows.  God has me.  All is good in divine love. 

I let it be what it is as I bring my true and awesome self with me wherever I am.  This may change things.  This may not.  And, I am me...  as best as I can be me in the now...  it is what I have control over..  to just be.. me. 

May you be you as best as you can be in the now...  May you just be.. you.  !

Joy

Tis the season to be joyful...  I believe that when there is joy in my heart and joy on my face, I am sharing joy; true joy with our world. 

When joy is not inside of myself, I can pretend to be joyful.  And, yet, there is no fooling 'Santa'...  In truth, I do not want to.  I do want to live from my authentic self as often as possible. 

As I allow joy and the meaning of the season to prosper inside of myself, I allow and open up to sharing joy with whoever I come in contact with.

My truth is my greatest treasure.  And what makes it really exciting for me is that, perhaps, my truth is also your greatest treasure. 

As your truth is what makes you you, the truth of you is, perhaps, our world's greatest treasure. 

When we stand, live, share, be in our truth, we can do nothing but walk down the path that really is for us.  In our truth, we create our best self.  We connect to our greatest power.  We live our greatest life.

May you stay, be, live in the truth of who you are and what you feel.

When you feel joy, share it.  When you feel anger, share the truth of it from a place of joy because you are aware and recognize the emotions and feelings that are yours to own.  These emotions and feelings, when coming from a place of awareness, love and allowance, lead us home to ourselves. 

Our pain and sorrow is not so much the truth as the reason behind the pain and sorry.  The story we live and the story(ies) we tell ourselves. 

May you live true and prosper! 

The Power is Within

I am learning that the more I meet myself where I'm at and 'let it be', the more peace, ease and fulfillment I know.

I am learning that the power/answers/love that I seek is not 'out there';  it is within.

I am learning that sometimes my power scares me.  I am learning that fear is a very powerful non-entity.

As I embrace what, how and who I am, I can be way more powerful living in this space of my reality then in a space that isn't so.  That 'story', perhaps, that may be make-believe from my own brain.

As I live the reality of my life, the power shows itself to me.  The power to create, rearrange, become and let go is mine.

May you meet yourself where you are at.  May you accept the who, what, and where of your life and bring your true feelings, thoughts, non-judgment, and love to it.

Perhaps, as we meet ourselves where we are at, peace and fulfillment grows in and around us.

We are worth a try.  You are worth it to try. 

Focus of this post...

May you  gently meet yourself where you are at and move forward from here. 

Here. Now. Be.

I am caught up in the Christmas spirit.  I love the Christmas spirit.  And, if I don't do what is true for me this year, now; as I am, I get caught up period; 'catched'.

I am feeling the going.. going.. going..   It is like my get up and go got up and went this morning! 

I know that I need a slower day.  I need a day with moments of relaxation, letting go and just to be.  I have a massage scheduled today.  How my body looks forward to this! 

I cannot 'go' like I see many others going.  I have learned (mostly) to not want to.  I have accepted where I am just now (mostly) and I see the beauty, strength and empowerment in this. 

So, for today, I let go of my lists, my desires of doing, and my guilt of not doing.  I am at peace where I am and I know/believe that everything always falls into place.

I bring my open heart and mind with me as I allow the day to unwind into a most precious day.  I connect. lovingly, to the people that show up in my life and I support our world to peace and preciousness.

Perhaps, this is my role. It must be as this is where I find myself.

Yes, there is a part of me that wishes I was strutting around New York City shopping in the Christmas lights.  There is another part that wishes I was on the beach jogging a couple of miles.  There is a part of me that wishes I would never be swollen or in pain again.  And, I am learning that scleroderma has taught me so much about myself; my inner knowing; the gentle warrior that I am.  Without experiencing [and even not experiencing] all that I know, am and breathe, I would not be me.  I am good being me.

So, as my life balances through itself and our world -

I wish you your life balance to be, live, feel, do, and share everything that is you from your most loving of places.

May you get on with you and live all of you with all of your parts.  They/This is what makes you uniquely you.  How lovely thou art!...

May you allow yourself to be blessed and to know blessings.

                                                           "Lane Spa" decorations

Beautiful

Today is a beautiful day.  The palms are dancing in the warm breeze against a blue sky with speckles of white clouds.  I have an orchid outside the window fully bloomed and the bamboo is reaching outward and upward.  The fountain is happily dancing and taking the flow of water with it.

I feel good today!  Perhaps, I will dance too. 

The Christmas tree has its lights on waiting to get fully decorated.  The smell of evergreen is strong and the tree stands tall and proud.  I thanked it for coming home and giving me itself; its majestic self. 

I have the cleaning people here helping me to keep my home comfortable, clean and organized.  I have the groomer coming to give the dogs a bath and a trim.  They wait at the door for her and get so excited when they see her.  I am grateful for this. 

My daughter is home on college break and she is a joy to be with.  My husband is traveling and making the money doing what he loves; mostly (ha)...  I am so grateful and so in love with him. 

I will have guacamole and hummus for breakfast with salt free pretzels.   My body seems to crave this. 
I am grateful to have delicious food. (ha - yes I am...)

I look forward to what the day will bring.

It is a good day.  We have never seen or experienced this one before; and we will never again.

May you see the beauty in your day and may you experience it as only you can.  Connect to all that you do have and, perhaps, bow your head in gratitude.

Namaste'   -   At the depth of myself, I honor the depth of who you are.  At this place, we are all connected.  We are all the same.

When we live, learn and grow from this place within; perhaps, we know true fulfillment.

May you experience fulfillment.

 

Eating

Man oh Man.

I surely have been overeating.  I am the heaviest I have ever been. 

The stress of moving; the stress of finding new doctors (still looking) and the stress of letting go of what was has taken its toll. 

I have eaten way too much.  And, not moving -- well -- recipe for disaster in body fat and weight management.

And, however - I am feeling good.  Perhaps, the best in a couple of years.  I do not feel 'good' about my weight.   

I know I am talking to myself more lovingly.  I know that I am more accepting of what is.  I know that I am more settled than I have been in, at least, three years.

I am trying " Relora" vitamins; "Cellfood' drops; and multitude of vitamins and minerals.  As I am not feeling like a professional doctor 'has my back', I am believing (moreso than ever) that healing scleroderma is an 'inside job' for me. 

I have more energy and I feel happy within.  A fulfilling happy a lot of the time (for about a week now).

WOO HOO.  Whoop!  Whoop!

See what tomorrow brings; and just now, in this moment, I am rockin' and rollin'!  lol

May you connect to what makes you rock and roll and

May you rock 'n roll!!

Grateful

I know it feels good inside of myself to know gratitude.  I believe being grateful is a wonderful virtue.

I am grateful for YOU, here now, reading this.

My wish for you is to believe in yourself; feel what you are feeling and hear what you are saying.

May you give yourself permission to speak what you feel and know within yourself.

Let your beautiful heart and your precious mind be open.

You are the peace in the chaos.  You are the love in the world.  You are the beauty in your day.

You are the only one that you will ever always be with. 

May you be the person you want to be with.

The following countries are here with us this moment..  A sincere Thank you.  It is my honor. 

Russia

United States

Germany

France

Canada

Ukraine

                                                       Unknown

Music

I see myself listening to music more often.  I love music.  I always have.  I don't mind dancing alone in my home like a crazy woman.  In fact, I enjoy it!

I am currently listening to our player piano playing Christmas music as I go about my morning 'doings'.  I'm waiting for the song "O Holy Night" as this is my favorite. My mother used to play the piano brilliantly.  It gives me great comfort to listen; as they were happy times for me listening to her play while sitting on the curb out front. 

My 'being' sings and is elated with music.  It certainly lifts me up.  

May you know what lifts you up (with no side effects) and may you let it in your life as often as possible. 

So this is Christmas...

Tis the season...  Ho Ho Ho...  Deck the Halls...  O Holy Night...  Away in the Manger... Joy to the World

This is the season that I enjoy greatly.  I love the lights, the decorations, the loving hustle bustle of people sharing cheer.

I also know that there are people alone, suffering, lost, and lonely.  I know there are people dreading doing certain things; keeping up with traditions and/or 'rules' that they have known 'forever'. 

May I offer to bring YOUr true self with you into this Christmas Season.  What does it mean to you...  What feels happy to you...   What feels celebratory to you...  What creates joy in your heart...  What makes your 'being' light up and sing...

Perhaps, this is the way Christmas is meant to be spent.

Just what if you did it your way from a place of deep love...  What if you didn't expect or hope that someone else would do it differently, better, easier, more kind...  What if all that mattered is that you share love the way that you know how... And, perhaps, tell the people that may think you are 'off' - that this is what you are choosing to do.  Loving your way through Christmas to the best of your current ability...

We celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.  And, we sometimes get lost or hurt by doing it in a way that doesn't resonate with who we are...  

Is this being loving...    Only you know your answer.

May I offer that you love on, through and into the Christmas season as only you can.  Get your joy on and share same. 

Perhaps, the best we can do is be open to this and share our truth in the most loving way that we know how.

This is what Jesus is about.  This is what Christmas may just be about before anything else.

May you celebrate Christmas as you are today; from where you are today; bringing your loving, open heart and truth with you wherever you are.

May you be open to your Christmas season being merry; whatever that means to you.

Peace

As I come here this morning to share my thoughts of peace; with hope that by sharing my thoughts, it may help you connect to your own...

I find that I couldn't log on to my computer and Peace is not what I was feeling.  Yikes...!

I sat down to say (write)...

Hello to you.  Let peace begin with me... and let peace begin with you... and you and you and you...

My inability to write this because I couldn't get onto my computer because of someone else's doing made me feel unimportant; uncared for; not considered and angry.  

My first reaction was to talk loudly (scream) and, literally, wake up the person responsible.  I took a breath and wrote on a yellow sticky that 'it sucks' that I cannot get on 'my' computer.   That I was unable to run with my thoughts because I was unable to log their computer off of my own.  I placed the post-it note on the screen and I came here to my cell phone.. 

And here I am.  Originally wanting to talk about peace...  Perhaps, a lesson within a lesson on how to keep my own peace on.  

Am i cared for... Yes.  Am i important, yes...  Was I considered, I don't think so; not in that moment.  And, it has nothing to do with me--other than my own experience of same.  

I do not know what that person was working on, thinking about; involved in.  I don't know what time this person was on the computer. I do know it was in the middle of the night while I slept.  

Can I be mad at this person...  Yes, I suppose.  And, I'm learning that I feel better when I realize that I am not this person's center of universe.  Nor, is it best if I would be.  This person is this person's center of the universe.  As I always 'preach', I believe life works best this way. ("Just 9Be U")  We are each at the center of our own world.  What we speak, think, do, respond to is what affects us most. 

Would I have like to be considered and have the computer available to me... Yes. 

However, as i share my experience with them (from a place of as much love as possible), I give them a chance to consider me the next time. And this would be my goal - to have them consider me.   By me getting 'all up in there bout it' affects me.  And I want to love myself thru.  

And yes. This is what is peace to me..

May you know what peace is to you; may you live in alignment with this.

                                                                Picture Unknown

 

Chicken

I am calling myself a 'chicken'.  I am afraid to reach out to people who, just maybe, would benefit from reading this blog.  I'm seeing 'calls' for help and/or guidance.

I'm hearing people wanting to learn how to be whole and connect to their 'within'.

I think I'm pretty good at doing this and I am afraid to reach out and share my 'crazy'.

Perhaps, it is because I call it my 'crazy'...

I will start calling it my 'truth'; my 'journey in'.  Perhaps, in this, I will be more willing to share, be vulnerable and offer connection.

I know that this is my next chapter.  I get so excited thinking about it.  I get so invigorated when I am able to support a person to connect to their own awesomeness.

I seem to have to think big.  Like 'Oprah' big.  This 'big' is what scares me.

Again, it is, perhaps, time to change my thinking...

Just what if I embrace these 'calls' and come (live) from love instead of my fear.

THIS IS my next step...  Oh, scary for me.   What if people respond favorably and I become the whole person I feel that I'm supposed to be!?!?! ...  the person I am inside.  Egad.

May you connect to your love instead of your fear and may you be the whole person that you know you are supposed to be...

Whoop. 

Doctor.. Again

I have another doctor appointment with the rheumatologist that seems like he is 10 years old because I am so not young!?

I don't really know why I am going other than I just wish I could talk someone into having my back and following me along my journey from a medical standpoint and viewpoint.

I don't want to feel like I've started over again and this is what I feel like.

I don't want a doctor that isn't open to me and my position, experience and knowledge of what is going on inside of my own body and this is what I've come in contact with living here in Florida.

I want a doctor, that while he/she may think I'm goofy, still listens, hears, shares and responds to my individual 'story'. 

And, because of these wants and don't wants, I think, feel, and believe that this scleroderma dis-ease and me; well, it is more of an inside job then reaching out into the medical field of physicians.

What is a woman to do.

I walk through with open heart and mind.  I do find myself cautious and even a bit uncomfortable with what will be said to me and offered to me at these medical appointments.

Since, I have tried many physicians along with many modalities of healing in the natural field of holistic medicine and beyond...  All I know is that I am not giving up. 

My weight has become an issue these past six months.  I understand that being overweight can be like a protective-ness of one's self.  I don't want to protect myself this way.  I feel better lighter and healthier.  I feel better when I'm strong and balanced as physically as possible.

I shall see what 'tomorrow' brings and I am open to being my best once again. 

I have a better chance of this with the 'dream' of same then without.

May you 'dream' and see yourself how you want to be...  May you believe in yourself and believe that it is possible... You are always possible.

 

Exercise

As I find myself having some energy to exercise, I find my hands turning purple to the 'beat'.  I'm dancing to the music.  My fingers are going cold, purple and numb. 

This is not what I would want.  And, it is what is happening. 

I feel like my skin on my fingers is softer.  I feel like my fingers look longer.  They hurt less when I hit them against anything.

Do I move to the beat...   Do I stop...   Do I just stretch...  I wonder what my best 'move' is.

I ask for help, guidance, strength and knowledge to walk (or exercise) my best way to great health.  I believe in it.  I believe in me.

I could choose giving up, feeling like a loser and/or beating myself up.   I know this is not the answer for me.

I await my best answer as I live my truth.  This is what fulfills me the most.

We walk on individually; together.

This is one of my greatest hopes. 

May you fill yourself up with your truth and wholeness as you are today.

                                                                    Unknown Picture

This is It

This is life.  This it living.  This is it.

As you are today; what you are doing today; who you know today; what you share today; and what you accomplish today... This is it.. This is living.

This moment can be wondrous, wonderful, fulfilling, empty, difficult and/or anything else you could conjure up.  It could be labeled a number of things..  It could also be just what it is.. without a label.

It is totally and completely up to you.

It is not so much this moment that is experienced.  It is how and what we tell ourselves about this moment that effectuates our experience(s).

If I believe it to be wonderful, there is a great chance it will be.  If I tell myself it will be difficult, this too, most likely, will be accurate.

We are the center of our own universe.  We Are this powerful.  Only when I believe what you say about something; about me; about a situation does it affect me as so.  If I believe what I tell myself, this is the experience I will have.

This is amazing power. 

We are the only ones that we spend our entire life with.  I say I may as well love being with myself.  I may as well be kind and generous to myself.  I may as well tell myself nice and helpful things.  I can feel bigger than myself when I act in this way.  I can share the most amount of love possible when I am this way.  I believe, I trust, I walk in my truth when I experience life through my own awesomeness (as I believe it to be so).

May you let yourself be BIG [and fulfilled] as you love yourself through your experience(s) of living.  This is the God-like version that is possible for all.  Let us now live this side of ourselves most prominently.  And so it shall be...  if you say so (ha).  Amen

Real Experience(s)

Here.  This place.  Now.  This is where I face 'me'.   I face me head on.  I go deep and I share depth. 

It is not always the easiest place to explore.  It takes much energy, brain and heart power, and trust, openness and time for this kind of exploration.

I know that I am worth it.  I know that you are worth it.

I do find myself [as I've said before] coming here to this [life-changing for me] blog less often.  Where I used to come here pretty consistently, I find myself going to 'Facebook', 'Instagram' and 'Twitter' more.  While I connect to my depth, what I share is my hope.

Is it because I need a break from self-exploration...   Is it because I don't want to put words to what I feel...  Is it that I don't want to take the time...  Do I not have enough energy...  Am I benefiting less...  Have I found my best way for now and need to physically process it only...  Is it all of the above and/or more...

As I sit down to write this, my mind is on going to the local "Enlightenment Center" where, today, they are having a huge sale on crystals.  I am 'called' to go and 'look'. (lol)  I want to go to see what they have and bring some beautiful stones home.  It excites me!

Yesterday was Thanksgiving here in the USA.  While I had a wonderful day with my family, my hands were in the water a lot and today I am feeling this extra use of my hands.  I ate too much and my body is feeling this as well.  My body feels like it is 'pulsing' out of unison as a whole.  There is this energy that does not know where to land.  I feel sporadic and jumpy inside.  I feel tense, heavy, imbalanced, unstable and somewhat disassociated. 

I'm a bit uncomfortable and my body is screaming quietly.  Quietly; yet screaming.  I do not like the feeling.  I feel like I want to run away from it.  And, here I stay, uncomfortable and aware of all of this that I do not understand.

While I see others doing their thing, functioning and being productive, I see me pushing and sighing from within the pain and discomfort.  My body surely does not want (or, perhaps, know how) to function or be productive easily without my attention to it's discomfort.  The discomfort speaks loudly. 

This is going to have to change.  I request my body to perform differently.  I request for my body to produce the perfect amount of collagen; to have skin loose enough that it fits the skeletal bones easily; to have mobility and elasticity in the skin with enriched, nourished and hydrated cells.   I'd like to request easy and brilliant blood flow to my extremities, my heart and throughout.  I'd like my brain to sit comfortable in my skull and be fluid and nourished enough to be used at its peak capacity. 

I want to have it all.  I want to live, share, function and produce to my fullest capability; just the way God intended.  I want to allow, embrace and love me exactly as I am as I grow into my fullest potential within every breath.

I, again, got a new monthly prescription for pain medicine.  I, again, was told I had to wait almost three days for the prescription to be confirmed, authorized and filled.  I, again, allowed myself to feel like a criminal and misunderstood. 

I believe that THIS is what is going to be my healing.  This is what is going to heal the scleroderma that I have known and experienced (on and off) for close to 40 years. 

This loud, awful frustration; criminally produced way of dealing with drugs and dis-ease is what will get rid of 'my' scleroderma as I feel like I do not want outside sources to own me in the way of drugs/appointments/silly conversations/unheard words and (what feels like to me) inhumane actions.  Yes, it is deeply affecting me.  And, in this... just what if... this is what is going to take away my body's dis-ease and change my inner knowing, growth and chemistry to be voided of dis-ease..  scleroderma no more...

I'm game.  I'm walking through.

And, what I shared on Instagram this morning is just this...

"I walk through life with an open heart, trust, truth and love.  I live the experience of me.!.  This, perhaps, enables me to bring the best of me with me wherever I am.  Empower(ed) on.

May you live the experience of you.!."

                                                    Picture Unknown
 

Thanksgiving 2015

Happy Thanksgiving to all those that celebrate it.

It is a day to share thankfulness and appreciation for what one has and feels.  It is a day to get together and spend some quality time with those we love.

May I offer to bring your true self with you wherever you may go.

May you bring love to the 'table' as you share a meal.  May you stand in your truth from a place of love, light and wisdom.

May you only share love because this is how you want to spend your Thanksgiving.  May you be open to having one of your best yet.

Wherever you find yourself; in whatever life situation you are experiencing, may you bring the truth of your 'now' into it from a most loving place inside of yourself.

You do have this power.  You do have this love.  

May you experience some of your best and grateful moments outside of yourself because you choose love and truth.

May you empower your 'people' through the loving truth of you.

This is my wish for you.

May you create a bountiful day of loving another; connecting to gratitude for what does fill you up.

 

Wow

I went back to the pain management center, today, as per my monthly appointment to get a monthly prescription of pain medicine. 

I was up some of the night worried and concerned; scared even because of my experiences with the center from the beginning about 5 months ago.  I felt my blood pressure increasing this morning as I was getting ready for the appointment.  I heard myself saying words like horrific and evil.

I heard myself connecting to my discomfort with taking pain medicine and feeling like a criminal with the doctors counting my current amount of pills to make sure I am taking the allotted amount.  Having to sign a monthly form saying I am being honest, I am not selling drugs and I am not getting them from any other physician feels degrading.

I realized, after the appointment, that I felt more like I was looked at as a pill popper than a patient with scleroderma. 

My experience was that they would not budge on the amount distributed to me.  I was told I wasn't allowed to take more than what was dispensed.  It didn't matter and they didn't want to hear that I had more intense pain ever.

I discussed that I am more comfortable with having something like a 'security blanket' of a few extra pills as I never know when I would have a flare up.   She told me to stop thinking about it and it didn't matter.  If it happens, come in. By then, it is my fear, that the pain will have a horrible hold on me.

I told her that I hear that she is not interesting in helping me with a 'security blanket' and if it cannot be pain meds, what would she suggest I use to alleviate intense or extra pain.  She told me to mediate and put ice on it.  Yikes!.!

Ice for a person with scleroderma...  Cold is not a friend...  She told me to breathe deep.  I advised her that I breathe deep all the time.

She then asked me for the 6 Hysingla that I had left over from last month, that I paid out of pocket for and she destroyed them in front of me.   She had me sign a paper that she did this.  I told her I felt like writing on it that it felt like it was against my will, can I not keep these for backup.  She said one or the other.  I cannot have both Norco and Norco extended release. 

I was not a happy camper leaving there and I certainly didn't feel like I was being heard as a patient.  I totally felt like I was only a pill popping thing.

I think it is wonderful that this may help getting pills off of the street and out of hands that could hurt their owners in many different ways. 

I do not think it is wonderful that a person with real issues and dis-ease could be treated so inhumanely.

They take my blood pressure but do nothing about a high blood pressure reading.  They took my oxygen level from one of my disformed fingers.  Today was the first appointment that the tester told me it was a low reading.  Nothing done or offered about that either.  Double Yikes.!

I still think, perhaps, it is the universe's way of telling me to stop the pain meds.  I still think I can find healing.  I still feel fear in the chance of getting terrible pain and running out of the medicine that my body is so dependent on.  From my past pain experiences, I am still not letting go (I realize). 

What is a woman to do....

I called a new doctor this morning that a friend from down here knows and admires.  His office told me they couldn't help me and referred me to a new rheumatologist.  

My saga continues.  We all have at least one.

I bring my truth, my trust, my strength and my never-dying will to live with me...  It is sometimes very difficult.  It is always something to walk through as best as I can.

May you walk through, as best as you can, whatever lessons, challenges and 'discomfort' you are experiencing.  May you honor them all as to always honor yourself. 

 

Where

Where do I go from here...

My body still hurts, mostly, all of the time.  I saw a question on Facebook the other day that if I had a magic wand, what would I wish for.

My answer was energy to get rid of the fear that stops my own energy from freedom and being all that it could be...

There is a weight on me.  A cover.  A heaviness that weighs me down and stops me from being all that I want to be.  I feel it.  I experience it.

Is it scleroderma...  Is it my mind...  Is it what I create...  Is it what is supposed to be...

Perhaps, none of them.  Perhaps, all of the above.  Perhaps, I will never know.

To accept this truth is difficult for me.  I always believed that I can heal and that I can rid myself of what feels like my own imprisonment. 

I have not broken free; just yet. 

Is there more work...  Do I have more layers of 'my onion' to peel back and off...   'oh woe is me'...  lol but truth.

All any of us can ever do, is what we can do.  To live the life that is presently inside of us and to dream, inspire and achieve in whatever way we can.  To just be with where we are...

May we take graciousness, gratitude and love of what we can do with us.  May we let it be enough.  May we be okay with not having answers to all the questions.  May we know our worth is present just because we are here.  We are here doing what we are able to do. 

Life is a journey.  It is the journey that is our life. 

May we be open to the truth - no matter how daunting.  May we be open to what is - no matter how small.  May we live what we can in all of it's greatness. 

May we accept our journey as we conjure up anew and stay with what is present; and love, as much and as deeply as possible, our own selves and each other.

This is the journey that I am open to continuing on...

May you know the journey that you are participating in and be present as mindfully as possible as you breathe on...

Stop the Struggle

As soon as we choose to stop struggling, something happens.  We accept.  We flow.  We transform and evolve.

We know peace.

It is a choice.  Yes, it a choice.  Not always an easy one.  Sometimes, a 'no-brainer'. 

Stop the struggle within.

As I realize that everything matters - from the low lows to the high highs, it is all 'just life'; 'just living'. 

What you are experiencing now, is your life.  This is it.  There is nothing more in the moment; and, in truth, as you take this breath, you are okay.

You may not like what you are feeling.  You may not want to be experiencing what you are experiencing.  You may love what you are feeling.  You may love what you are experiencing.  You may be in between somewhere. 

As you give yourself permission to accept right where your life is now, you allow peace, love and trust to enter in.

Peace, love and trust are wondrous feelings that many good things/feelings can stem from.

In life, we are, perhaps, supposed to witness, feel, know, be, and walk down and through many emotions, roads, people, experiences and places.

This is what having a human experience is all about.  I say this because each and everyone of us is doing just this.

As we learn to accept more and more; allow ourselves to experience and live as only we can and do; embrace the situation from our most truthful depth; process it; and allow our truthful selves to walk through whatever comes our way -- we are living life fully from the place that is unique.  When we carry love with us and look through the eyes of love, as much as possible, we are doing our very best.

This is what our world needs just now, perhaps.  This is what you need just now, perhaps. 

Open our hearts, our minds, our truthful selves up. 

May we live through love.  May we support each other in and through this.  May we change our world into a place of love. 

It does start with you.  You are the center of the world.  Each and every one of us has this much authority in love.  What you do, say, think, feel, are matters.

When you love, the world looks different.  

My hope is that, if you want, your world will look different as you choose love each and every time.  You choose this because this is who you are, period.  This is who you want to be.  You want to feel, know, be and walk on with love inside of you.

It is a choice open to you.  I believe. 

It is Done

My nephew is married.  He has a wife! 

I had a lovely time.  I danced the night away.  It was so wonderful being surrounded by so many that I love and appreciate in my life.  I was happy!  The bride and groom's love was boundless. 

I was aware that I love the Florida weather and where I live.  I'm grateful for everything I have in my life.  I so appreciate my husband and the comfortable world that he provides me for.  I am proud of being married to a man for 24 years and still see his awesomeness; feel his kindness; and share his love.

I have a wonderful, happy, kind, loving family that care so deeply for each other and are a lot, a lot of fun!

I had a magical weekend!

May you have magic in your day..   better yet...

May you see and feel the magic that is in your day...  Perhaps, it is always present.  We only need to be open to it and tap in...

Wedding Daze

I am traveling to my oldest nephew's wedding day this weekend!

Love is in the air!!!

I am thrilled, touched and amazed that this little baby boy is now a grown man; in love.  He will have a wife!

Life goes on.   Life flows through.  Life lives.

I am so proud of the man that he has grown into.

Let the Love Party begin!

May you be connected to the love in your own heart. 

May you choose to send a person love instead of your 'worry'.

Love feels best.  Within and without.   Love.

Let Love Ignite!

                                                      Picture Unknown

Resistance

I feel more and more resistance within to come here. 

Am I tired of being out of my comfort zone by exploring the depth of myself...

Does my head hurt because it wants a rest exploring what I feel, think, know and do...

I would think that if I am coming up with these questions so easily, it is most likely the case.

I have been out of my comfort zone a long time; more on than off.  I have found my contentment in accepting what is.

How can I be in both a discomfort zone and contentment.   I have no clue.

If I were to delve a bit deeper, it, again, comes from accepting one's self.  It is this simple and this difficult for me.

There is still a part of me that doesn't find comfort in my strange, tight mouth; my hands being deformed and my discomfort being in my own body.  It feels like I have not fully accepted a body as a part of who I am.  This being human is the hardest part of living.  Ha. (and, yes, it is what living is all about on the surface)

By this, I mean the fitting into society and doing what is right as a whole and following rules and regulations that I do not agree with.  Gossip is something I find very uncomfortable.

It keeps coming back to walking forward.  Live by bringing my truest self into every situation I encounter and move through and on from this place.  This thought; saying; way of being is what gives me the greatest comfort.

I may not be able to do this or that, but I can love.

I may not look like this or that, but I can love.

I may not know much, but I can love.

I can love.

This, I can do.  This is my choice for my underlying way of life.

May you choose something, as your underlying way of life, that supports your extreme comfort.

Dream Big

Life will always have its ups and downs, ins and outs, over and under.  It is what we do with it all that matters and affects us the most.

Today, as you sit here reading this, you are Living Your Life.  This is what living life is. 

We participate in holidays, goals, restlessness and restfulness.  We experience what flows through us.  We think through much of what we are experiencing.  We share.  We hide.

I was once taught that we think a certain amount of thoughts each day.  And, within these thoughts, we rethink more than 3/4 of them again and again and again.

I'd like to offer for us all to Dream Big.  Think Big.  Perhaps, the biggest and 'dreamiest' we ever have.

I'd like to offer that THIS is life.  THIS is living.

We will always know wonder.  We will always have questions.  We will always experience greatness.  We will always experience loss.  This is living the human life. 

We are all doing it.  We are all experiencing it. 

I'd like to offer that as we embrace, allow, feel, decipher, and be with what is, we ARE living.

It is supposed to be a roller coaster ride.  It is supposed to hurt.  It is supposed to challenge and grow us.  It is supposed to give us some of the greatest 'gifts' we will ever know.

As we allow the roller coaster; the pain, the challenges and the growth, we can experience it all as gifts.  Gifts for our greatest experience in our human form.

So, I'd like to offer you to Dream Big.  Dream that you will, can and do experience all that life has in store for You.  Dream that you are ready and willing believing that it is all for your greatest experience here; your greatest growth.

Dream Big that you are okay even when you do not feel so.  Dream Big that you will always be okay with whatever comes your way.  Dream Big and trust that what does come your way, you can still choose love.  Dream Big, that as you walk the paths that arise and that you choose (and do not choose), you are walking your best self through your best experiences as only you can.  You, in all your uniqueness, is what benefits this world; is what grows our world. 

Dream Big that by just being everything that you are, feel, know, believe, love, hate, experience and process through -- you are living you ...  And, this is what you came to this world to do.

The good news is that you have everything inside of you to do this.  How perfect is this!

May you "Just 9Be U".  May you 'grow yourself complete'.

May you live from the depth and truth of who you are.  May you know your purpose is just this... May you allow everything you experience and are/become to stem from this. 

May I offer this as a possibility, an option, a way of life...

Rockin'

I guess that I am rocking somewhere in between knowing much, loving always and feeling pain.

I see that 11/11 is soon upon us.  Many relate 11:11 to awakening to one's true path.  Many are feeling discombobulated and like there is nowhere to hide.  Many are still hiding.  Many are open to following the flow of their life.

Wherever you are on your journey, may you be open to all that is true for you.  May you keep and embrace what you love about where you are.  May you come into the hard truth of what you don't like and breathe into it as to disburse its progress and create anew from where you are now. 

It is a challenging time for me as I see so much truth and I feel so many options and possibilities. 

I do not know anything for sure or for long term.  I am open to seeking to be my best self; my authentic self; my true self in everything that I do, breathe and am. 

I am starting to think that this is a constant for me as I allow myself to be pushed, pulled, stretched, used and touched by everyone and everything.  It is a very uncomfortable place for me.  And, I know nothing else just now.

I love.   I am.   I walk on as myself.  Yes, I know contentment in this.  Yes, I know fear in this.  Yes, I know challenge in this.   Yes, I know peace in this.

Just what if THIS is life for me; that  I am supposed to experience all of these things for as long as I'm supposed to. 

I accept this as truth for this moment and I walk on from here.  I am present in this moment and I embrace this moment.  I do not know comfort and yet I am perfectly okay.  I am not the me I want to be - full of energy and free.  I am the me that I am - limited energy and uncertain.

I do not type sensical.  I type truth.  I do not speak clearly as I am unclear.

I open my arms and mind and heart to this; the me that I am now.  I flow into the life that is present for me. 

I believe this is living.  This, as it is for us right now in this moment.  This is life.  Nothing more, nothing less.  It is ever changing and so are we.  And, to be human is to experience everything that is in front of us as only we can.  There is a uniqueness in this.  There is a generality in this. 

May you live.  Carry on from here.  Simply, just be u as u are today...  Feel who you are and connect to the love that is you and that is for you and from you........   

21 Years Old

My daughter; my precious baby girl, is turning 21 this weekend!!  Party!!!  Oh No!!!  lol

She will be labeled as a full 'adult' now.  She is at drinking age legally.  She is responsible for her whole self, whole life, responses and evolving growth.

It was just yesterday that she was a blonde, bubbly, smiley, precious toddler.  She is now a remarkable, loving, brilliant, and kind adult. 

I am so proud of the young woman that she has grown up to be.  I am thankful she picked me to be her mom.  She was, and still is, my greatest teacher.  I am blessed to call her daughter.

I find it interesting that as I was 'growing up', I often dreamed of having a family and spending time and adventures with them.  I didn't really dream about when my child would leave the nest and live her own life away from mine.

My biggest goal was to give her independence.  I succeeded (I think) and now I want to make my next chapter about helping others outside of my loved ones.  I want to succeed and give everything I am to whoever it can be helpful (or uplifting) to. 

I continue my dream of helping others to be the best that they are.

Happy 21st Birthday my beloved and beautiful daughter.  I am honored to call you my daughter.

Be the best of yourself.  Have fun and follow your heart.  Thank you for being my daughter.  Always and forever...

And to you, the awesome one reading this (yes you), may you follow your heart and be the best of you.!

Contractors

I haven't said this word in a while! 

I have 7 contractors here today putting in a new A/C, working on plumbing issues, working on appliance issues and cleaning my home.

It can have me feel like a prisoner in my home as I do my best to stay out of the way and let them carry on so they can get done as soon as possible.  So, this is a choice I am making; I am creating.  Hmm

I am grateful that I can get this stuff done.  I feel blessed and lucky.   I am tired of getting the work done, however.

So, I guess I'm creating my own hardship because of the way I am thinking this through...  Oh, I so don't want to be the one responsible for me and my feelings today!! 

And, responsible I am.

So, I will sit in gratitude waiting for the cool air to start anew in my home.  I will sit in gratitude that I have clean, temperature controlled water at my fingertips.  I am grateful for an oven to cook my food in.  I am grateful for food to cook..  And my gratitude list goes on and on...

I will sit in gratitude that I don't have to do the work and I can pay someone to do it for me.

I sit, stand, walk, sing and dance in gratitude today...  because I can choose it to be so.

May you choose your best 'place' to sit, stand, walk in/with today...  It is your choice.  Always.

Perhaps, it is both good and not so good news.  And, mostly, it is good news.  You can allow yourself to be happy.  My wish is that you do; as often as possible. 

Basket(s)

I have many thoughts and issues in a 'basket'; perhaps, in many baskets.  I sometimes feel like a basket-case! 

There is so much change and challenge going on inside of myself and around me. 

We, perhaps, are all settling into a new and (I hope) better way of life.  A more true way to be.

Many are calling it 'The Shift', 'The Awakening', 'The Change', 'The New World'.

Many say that there has been nothing this drastic or demanding ever in the history of mankind.  The totality of everything and everyone is being challenged, tested, changed and [perhaps, forced to be] honored.  Our world is the smallest it has ever been which makes our challenge in unity the greatest it has ever been. 

There is no where left to hide.  The elephant in the room is very present and persistent.  The pain that we may have ignored, numbed ourselves from, pretended it wasn't present, buried deep within, is loud and persistent.  It is demanding attention.  It is demanding change.

While this doesn't always feel good within or without, it just may be the best time ever to grow into everything that you are and everything that you want to be.

Perhaps, as life feels like it is falling apart, it really is falling together.

I need to believe this.  It feels true to me.

We all have love, beauty and life within us.  It is time to share your uniqueness; your story.  It is time to move on from it and live the you that you are now into the you that you are going to be; that you want to be; that you were born to be.

The best way to do this is to breathe.  Breathe, connect and be.  Sit with what is.  Feel what is.  Process what is.   Allow it to flow through you and out of you. 

Allow the energy that is you to be celebrated and enhanced.  Perhaps, think expansion, openness and allowance.

May you let the you that is inside of you breathe out into the you that you will carry forward onto your best and most engaging path, process, truth and into all of your tomorrow(s).

Back

Okay.  Alright.  Everything is okay.

I am back to my usual/regular dosage of pain relief.  My goal is to find homeostasis in my body and mind.  To feel even and taken care of; relaxed; balanced.

Then, once I am at this stage/state, I can wean down to the minimal amount of pain relief drug that is possible for me.  My hope is that it is time to be off of this crutch/dependency of drugs.  I am open to find my truth and be okay with it once and for all.

I am strong enough, mentally and spiritually, to take this road and know my truth in it.  I am counting on me.

My inside still shake from not having the Xanax in me; that my body got so used to having.  I am still taking 1/4 pill to just relinquish my greatest of discomfort in weaning off of a 'controlled substance'.  Drugs can control one's life.  Whether, we label it dependent or addicted, it certainly can be controlling. 

I do not want a pill to control me; my life, my day, my way.  I want my soul to control me; this body, this mind, this presence (present) that is me...!  Yay, I am a present to myself.   The presence of this truth took me decades to connect to. 

It is my path.  It is, perhaps, what I signed up for.  It is my life.  I choose to accept it and live it out.  I will own this body - hands and all - as my own.  I write this and say this out loud and I stand in a strong truth about same.

I take ownership of everything I am, was and will be.  It is my road and I am this powerful.

May you take ownership of everything that you are, were and will be.  It is your road and you are this powerful.

Do not give your power of your inner knowing away.  Own it, live it, be it, breathe it...

As you are ready... it will happen.   If it is meant to be, nothing will or can stop it.  Everything happens in alignment with the universe and the road(s) you are made to travel.

Happy travels through it all...   Honest emotions, feelings and 'knowingness' are what will fulfill you most, perhaps.

I wish you fulfillment. 

As you live through what you feel, know and are out loud, self-fulfillment is inevitable. 

Swoosh. Oh Man. Take Away.

I am still in the midst of my drug dilemma and it feels very strong, real, challenging, confusing and it amazes me how no one will come out and truly clarify what is going on... Maybe none of us really know....

Last week, another prescription was returned to me unfilled.  This same script I took to the doctor yesterday and returned it to them.  They gave me a new one; one that, this time, feels very right to me.  It is the drug and dose I know and am somewhat comfortable with.

I did not take it to the pharmacy in fear of it being denied.  I sat on the couch three hours, frozen, this morning wondering what to do.

The doctor's office yesterday told me it 'shouldn't be a problem' to get it filled.  [famous last words]

So after three hours in frozen fear, I called the pharmacy that declined my last prescription.   I told her I was afraid and to please help guide me on how to maneuver and work with this system that feels like it is not meant for me and my needs.  I didn't say that.  I did say whatever guidance/help she can give me to understand and get this prescription filled, I would greatly appreciate it.  I did say I was afraid to bring it in.

As I was having this conversation, my head feels like a vice is on it; my feet and hands are so purple and I am way out of my comfort zone.  I really don't know what comfort feels like these days. 

She wouldn't really give me any answers other than she can't look in the system and that it is best to just bring it in and try...  Oh my my my my my....

After I hung up, I felt a swoosh of energy flow through me and almost got a strong headache but it kept flowing through and my fingers and feet are okay again.  I even feel my face more and I can feel these keyboard keys better as well.  My finger pads are more 'alive'. 

This is my 'stuff' that I need to walk through; apparently.  And, by bringing my true self to this situation (even though it felt like I may die (over dramatization kinda sorta), it gave me a sense of freedom afterwards.  I find it quite the hoot how no one else cares, feels, or can create this same scenario within themselves.  They cannot feel or derive this from the same circumstance.  I have 'way a lot' of energy around it.  It is not so for anyone I reach out to or share same with.  They cannot feel what I feel.   They cannot tell me how or help me through. 

However, almost everyone does relate to something in their life this way...  just maybe.  Many of us sweep it under the rug; allow it to be the elephant in the room; bury it deep inside; do something else to keep our minds off and away from it. 

My take home lesson is to bring my truth to it even if my voice shakes.  Even if my body turns purple.  Even if it feels like I won't make it through -- Bring my true self to it. 

I surely hope it gets easier and easier. 

Life is not a one road trip.  Life has many facets to it and by bringing our truth to all of them is becoming the only way I know how to travel.

Travel well my friends.  Travel in your purest form. 

May you bring your true self to each situation.  As you come from your loving truth (outside of anger, resentment, pain and worry), you come into and touch the best route possible for your earthly travels.  Just maybe.

Travel well my friends.

                                               Photos of Rose (Facebook)

Punked

I have to be being punked.   This cannot be normal, every day life...   or, is this exactly what it is...

I have been having the feeling of being punked.  I go to a pain management center (per rheumatologist) and they try new drugs with me and the drugs do not agree with me and I return these said drugs to the doctor's office for destruction (as required), and the pharmacy only sees logged that I received them but no returned information shows.   It is a very, very, very controlled environment (in Florida where I live now) when it comes to pain medicine.  Nothing is wrong with this except when it doesn't treat the patient as 'the system' is so highly concerned about control and does not have it completely and accurately down yet.  Control as in: each individual pill count and accounted for; each script must be filled the exact date and end an exact date;  I must bring the pills with me each monthly appointment; I must sign a form each month stating that I am authentic and honest with what is being offered to me and that I am not sharing or selling any drugs; urine samples are taken; appointment times not flexible.  Doctor says he has my back and I don't feel this to be so... (This is my experience.)   I do understand how this will help change the overuse of controlled drugs.  I don't understand that they are not looking at the individual person and their truth (me).

I take this same doctor's new prescription to the pharmacy, they tell me to come pick the script up that they will not fill it.  This time (it has happened before) I am told that there are too many red flags - hence the drugs I am not taking as they made me unwell and the prescriptions filled at different pharmacies because a certain pharmacy did not have the medicine available previously and the different new drugs filled that the doctor suggest I try. 

I am doing everything by the book and I am suffering.   I am out of some of my medicine that works the best for me because of all these new policies. 

My mind is flustered and is having a hard time wrapping around this scenario.  I'm so challenged and confused (as, yes, I may be taking this too personally as someone suggested to me - ouch) that I cannot speak or type clear enough in a relaxed manner.   I feel this reads more sporadic and unclear. (I am sorry)

I am flustered to walk through this.  And, walk through this I shall.  It is the only way through that I see.
------

Just what if I am getting a 'download' [that many are talking about] from the universe just now.   I am becoming what I will be and letting go of the old, used 'information' that is no longer relevant...

What if I just sit with what is - all my confusion, disparity, troubles and woe - and let it flow through me and just maybe there is nothing more I need to do than this...  This would be healing, lovely and easy if I allow it to be so. 

No resistance - only allowance...

It feels much more loving and supportive than fighting what is.

So, for at least today, I choose to flow with what is; have an open heart; open mind and breathe.  This I can do easily. 

As I write this, I have been here before; having to tell myself to flow with it.  How I forget and it takes situations like this to remind me.

Noted:  I am reminded to flow.

I flow.

May you allow 'flow of what is' in your life today.  Bring your true self to it and flow on, outward and forward from the depth of how you are experiencing life and feel on.  Be true to you.  Be true to your feelings.  Be kind and non-judgmental as best you can.

This is the time for You to be everything that you are... (yikes - overwhelming at times, I know)

Process You on!

Whoop  (lol)

It may not always be easy.  My hope is that it is never impossible.  Whew.

                                                      Unknown

Mind in Disrepair

After traveling through this last year or more with new doctors, new home, new location, new drugs - I am 'wowzed' by the discomfort in my being. 

I can no longer embrace what was and can only choose to embrace what is.  As I delete old telephone numbers and email addresses [that are part of my heart] from my phone; as I let go in my mind of the ease and the turbulence of what was, I open myself up to what is and what will be coming.

I want to admit that this is a very uncomfortable place to be.  It can also feel very exciting.  I waver back and forth between these things, along with many other feelings and thoughts.

I find myself, again, just sitting with what is and knowing that I am okay even when I don't feel so.

My head spins trying to find a safe place to focus.  My body aches trying to find homeostasis in chaos, confusion and newness.  My heart beats, sometimes, erratically as it settles into this safe place that my mind, body and soul congregate in as often as possible.

We are all.  We are everything.  We are connected to the unlimited.

This is good news.  This can be difficult truth. 

As I breathe into myself, I trust myself.  Even as I feel like a tumbling, eruptive wave, I trust that everything I need, I already have.  I breathe.

I go to rest my mind and to be...

May you rest your mind once in a while.  May you be.

Discomfort

I sit in discomfort this moment.  I'm finding myself uncomfortable to come here.  I feel agitated and in disarray. I feel spastic in thought and uncertain in what I will choose to share.

It is okay to feel this way even as it is not my favorite way to feel.  Perhaps, this discomfort propels me in a new direction or embarks me towards a new way.

I am learning that everything we feel is okay.  Some feelings are much more attractive and feel-good than others.  This is the way it is supposed to be.

As the pharmacy says it is too early to fill the prescription that is controlled by the doctor, I find myself baffled that this is so. 

I am learning that I no longer like to be 'controlled' by doctors and especially the drugs that they prescribe me.  I know that I have great fear of unbearable pain and I want to believe that I will know what to do IF that happens and that right now in this minute I can continue to wean from the second drug.  This one I am not going as fast.  It is perhaps, though, because I was so focused on the first drug.  Now, I can focus on this second drug and I can only see where I end up. 

I have not taken the first drug since yesterday morning.  It is 5 p.m. the next day.  I do not see myself taking it any time soon.  I'm on it!  Perhaps, it is better said I am off of it...  !

I find myself with better clarity.  I'm okay.  I am strong enough and have done my work that it is my hope and truth that I am able to walk without it now.  I am happy about this.  There are better, more healthier things to depend on.  (It is okay wherever you are.  Whatever brings you to your best functioning self; this is what my hope is for you.)

I don't know what I will do when it comes time for the dentist as this is the drug I took to get me through my challenging and exhausting dentist visits because of my small mouth.  I hear myself saying to not concern myself about that.  That when the time comes, I will be okay and I will know what to do.  It is working in this moment as I process through this 'self-talk'. 

I am agitated because of what I am walking through just now.   It is okay to be agitated.  It works best when I deal with this agitation in the most loving and easy way that I know how.  To put this agitation somewhere it does not belong or on someone that it doesn't belong to would be where I could see myself as wanting to do better.  But, as I allow agitation and [lovingly as possible] own it, I can walk through it and grow from it.

Without the awareness of agitation and discomfort, I would most likely stay stuck or here where I am at.  Stuck is no longer an option for me.  I will feel it, walk through it, let it go and grow from it.

May you be aware of all of your feelings.  May you feel them, walk through them (with as much love and ease as possible), let them go and grow from them. 

It just may be the best way to 'ride' this human life as we are all experiencing it today.

Ride the truth of you to a deeper level of understanding and trust of yourself [your feelings].

                                                       Unknown