Be U: Real Experience(s)

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Real Experience(s)

Here. This place. Now. This is where I face 'me'.   I face me head on. I go deep and I share depth.

It is not always the easiest place to explore. It takes much energy, brain and heart power, and trust, openness and time for this kind of exploration.

I know that I am worth it. I know that you are worth it.

I do find myself [as I've said before] coming here to this [life-changing for me] blog less often. Where I used to come here pretty consistently, I find myself going to 'Facebook', 'Instagram' and 'Twitter' more. While I connect to my depth, what I share is my hope.

Is it because I need a break from self-exploration...   Is it because I don't want to put words to what I feel... Is it that I don't want to take the time... Do I not have enough energy...  Am I benefiting less... Have I found my best way for now and need to physically process it only...  Is it all of the above and/or more...

As I sit down to write this, my mind is on going to the local "Enlightenment Center" where, today, they are having a huge sale on crystals. I am 'called' to go and 'look'. (lol) I want to go to see what they have and bring some beautiful stones home. It excites me!

Yesterday was Thanksgiving here in the USA. While I had a wonderful day with my family, my hands were in the water a lot and today I am feeling this extra use of my hands. I ate too much and my body is feeling this as well. My body feels like it is 'pulsing' out of unison as a whole. There is this energy that does not know where to land. I feel sporadic and jumpy inside. I feel tense, heavy, imbalanced, unstable and somewhat disassociated.

I'm a bit uncomfortable and my body is screaming quietly. Quietly; yet screaming. I do not like the feeling. I feel like I want to run away from it. And, here I stay, uncomfortable and aware of all of this that I do not understand.

While I see others doing their thing, functioning and being productive, I see me pushing and sighing from within the pain and discomfort. My body surely does not want (or, perhaps, know how) to function or be productive easily without my attention to it's discomfort. The discomfort speaks loudly.

This is going to have to change. I request my body to perform differently.  I request for my body to produce the perfect amount of collagen; to have skin loose enough that it fits the skeletal bones easily; to have mobility and elasticity in the skin with enriched, nourished and hydrated cells.   I'd like to request easy and brilliant blood flow to my extremities, my heart and throughout. I'd like my brain to sit comfortable in my skull and be fluid and nourished enough to be used at its peak capacity.

I want to have it all. I want to live, share, function and produce to my fullest capability; just the way God intended. I want to allow, embrace and love me exactly as I am as I grow into my fullest potential within every breath.

I, again, got a new monthly prescription for pain medicine. I, again, was told I had to wait almost three days for the prescription to be confirmed, authorized and filled. I, again, allowed myself to feel like a criminal and misunderstood.

I believe that THIS is what is going to be my healing.  This is what is going to heal the scleroderma that I have known and experienced (on and off) for close to 40 years.

This loud, awful frustration; criminally produced way of dealing with drugs and dis-ease is what will get rid of 'my' scleroderma as I feel like I do not want outside sources to own me in the way of drugs/appointments/silly conversations/unheard words and (what feels like to me) inhumane actions. Yes, it is deeply affecting me. And, in this... just what if... this is what is going to take away my body's dis-ease and change my inner knowing, growth and chemistry to be voided of dis-ease.. scleroderma no more...

I'm game.  I'm walking through.

And, what I shared on Instagram this morning is just this...

"I walk through life with an open heart, trust, truth and love. I live the experience of me.!. This, perhaps, enables me to bring the best of me with me wherever I am. Empower(ed) on.

May you live the experience of you.!."

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!