Exercise

As I find myself having some energy to exercise, I find my hands turning purple to the 'beat'.  I'm dancing to the music.  My fingers are going cold, purple and numb. 

This is not what I would want.  And, it is what is happening. 

I feel like my skin on my fingers is softer.  I feel like my fingers look longer.  They hurt less when I hit them against anything.

Do I move to the beat...   Do I stop...   Do I just stretch...  I wonder what my best 'move' is.

I ask for help, guidance, strength and knowledge to walk (or exercise) my best way to great health.  I believe in it.  I believe in me.

I could choose giving up, feeling like a loser and/or beating myself up.   I know this is not the answer for me.

I await my best answer as I live my truth.  This is what fulfills me the most.

We walk on individually; together.

This is one of my greatest hopes. 

May you fill yourself up with your truth and wholeness as you are today.

                                                                    Unknown Picture

This is It

This is life.  This it living.  This is it.

As you are today; what you are doing today; who you know today; what you share today; and what you accomplish today... This is it.. This is living.

This moment can be wondrous, wonderful, fulfilling, empty, difficult and/or anything else you could conjure up.  It could be labeled a number of things..  It could also be just what it is.. without a label.

It is totally and completely up to you.

It is not so much this moment that is experienced.  It is how and what we tell ourselves about this moment that effectuates our experience(s).

If I believe it to be wonderful, there is a great chance it will be.  If I tell myself it will be difficult, this too, most likely, will be accurate.

We are the center of our own universe.  We Are this powerful.  Only when I believe what you say about something; about me; about a situation does it affect me as so.  If I believe what I tell myself, this is the experience I will have.

This is amazing power. 

We are the only ones that we spend our entire life with.  I say I may as well love being with myself.  I may as well be kind and generous to myself.  I may as well tell myself nice and helpful things.  I can feel bigger than myself when I act in this way.  I can share the most amount of love possible when I am this way.  I believe, I trust, I walk in my truth when I experience life through my own awesomeness (as I believe it to be so).

May you let yourself be BIG [and fulfilled] as you love yourself through your experience(s) of living.  This is the God-like version that is possible for all.  Let us now live this side of ourselves most prominently.  And so it shall be...  if you say so (ha).  Amen

Real Experience(s)

Here.  This place.  Now.  This is where I face 'me'.   I face me head on.  I go deep and I share depth. 

It is not always the easiest place to explore.  It takes much energy, brain and heart power, and trust, openness and time for this kind of exploration.

I know that I am worth it.  I know that you are worth it.

I do find myself [as I've said before] coming here to this [life-changing for me] blog less often.  Where I used to come here pretty consistently, I find myself going to 'Facebook', 'Instagram' and 'Twitter' more.  While I connect to my depth, what I share is my hope.

Is it because I need a break from self-exploration...   Is it because I don't want to put words to what I feel...  Is it that I don't want to take the time...  Do I not have enough energy...  Am I benefiting less...  Have I found my best way for now and need to physically process it only...  Is it all of the above and/or more...

As I sit down to write this, my mind is on going to the local "Enlightenment Center" where, today, they are having a huge sale on crystals.  I am 'called' to go and 'look'. (lol)  I want to go to see what they have and bring some beautiful stones home.  It excites me!

Yesterday was Thanksgiving here in the USA.  While I had a wonderful day with my family, my hands were in the water a lot and today I am feeling this extra use of my hands.  I ate too much and my body is feeling this as well.  My body feels like it is 'pulsing' out of unison as a whole.  There is this energy that does not know where to land.  I feel sporadic and jumpy inside.  I feel tense, heavy, imbalanced, unstable and somewhat disassociated. 

I'm a bit uncomfortable and my body is screaming quietly.  Quietly; yet screaming.  I do not like the feeling.  I feel like I want to run away from it.  And, here I stay, uncomfortable and aware of all of this that I do not understand.

While I see others doing their thing, functioning and being productive, I see me pushing and sighing from within the pain and discomfort.  My body surely does not want (or, perhaps, know how) to function or be productive easily without my attention to it's discomfort.  The discomfort speaks loudly. 

This is going to have to change.  I request my body to perform differently.  I request for my body to produce the perfect amount of collagen; to have skin loose enough that it fits the skeletal bones easily; to have mobility and elasticity in the skin with enriched, nourished and hydrated cells.   I'd like to request easy and brilliant blood flow to my extremities, my heart and throughout.  I'd like my brain to sit comfortable in my skull and be fluid and nourished enough to be used at its peak capacity. 

I want to have it all.  I want to live, share, function and produce to my fullest capability; just the way God intended.  I want to allow, embrace and love me exactly as I am as I grow into my fullest potential within every breath.

I, again, got a new monthly prescription for pain medicine.  I, again, was told I had to wait almost three days for the prescription to be confirmed, authorized and filled.  I, again, allowed myself to feel like a criminal and misunderstood. 

I believe that THIS is what is going to be my healing.  This is what is going to heal the scleroderma that I have known and experienced (on and off) for close to 40 years. 

This loud, awful frustration; criminally produced way of dealing with drugs and dis-ease is what will get rid of 'my' scleroderma as I feel like I do not want outside sources to own me in the way of drugs/appointments/silly conversations/unheard words and (what feels like to me) inhumane actions.  Yes, it is deeply affecting me.  And, in this... just what if... this is what is going to take away my body's dis-ease and change my inner knowing, growth and chemistry to be voided of dis-ease..  scleroderma no more...

I'm game.  I'm walking through.

And, what I shared on Instagram this morning is just this...

"I walk through life with an open heart, trust, truth and love.  I live the experience of me.!.  This, perhaps, enables me to bring the best of me with me wherever I am.  Empower(ed) on.

May you live the experience of you.!."

                                                    Picture Unknown
 

Thanksgiving 2015

Happy Thanksgiving to all those that celebrate it.

It is a day to share thankfulness and appreciation for what one has and feels.  It is a day to get together and spend some quality time with those we love.

May I offer to bring your true self with you wherever you may go.

May you bring love to the 'table' as you share a meal.  May you stand in your truth from a place of love, light and wisdom.

May you only share love because this is how you want to spend your Thanksgiving.  May you be open to having one of your best yet.

Wherever you find yourself; in whatever life situation you are experiencing, may you bring the truth of your 'now' into it from a most loving place inside of yourself.

You do have this power.  You do have this love.  

May you experience some of your best and grateful moments outside of yourself because you choose love and truth.

May you empower your 'people' through the loving truth of you.

This is my wish for you.

May you create a bountiful day of loving another; connecting to gratitude for what does fill you up.

 

Wow

I went back to the pain management center, today, as per my monthly appointment to get a monthly prescription of pain medicine. 

I was up some of the night worried and concerned; scared even because of my experiences with the center from the beginning about 5 months ago.  I felt my blood pressure increasing this morning as I was getting ready for the appointment.  I heard myself saying words like horrific and evil.

I heard myself connecting to my discomfort with taking pain medicine and feeling like a criminal with the doctors counting my current amount of pills to make sure I am taking the allotted amount.  Having to sign a monthly form saying I am being honest, I am not selling drugs and I am not getting them from any other physician feels degrading.

I realized, after the appointment, that I felt more like I was looked at as a pill popper than a patient with scleroderma. 

My experience was that they would not budge on the amount distributed to me.  I was told I wasn't allowed to take more than what was dispensed.  It didn't matter and they didn't want to hear that I had more intense pain ever.

I discussed that I am more comfortable with having something like a 'security blanket' of a few extra pills as I never know when I would have a flare up.   She told me to stop thinking about it and it didn't matter.  If it happens, come in. By then, it is my fear, that the pain will have a horrible hold on me.

I told her that I hear that she is not interesting in helping me with a 'security blanket' and if it cannot be pain meds, what would she suggest I use to alleviate intense or extra pain.  She told me to mediate and put ice on it.  Yikes!.!

Ice for a person with scleroderma...  Cold is not a friend...  She told me to breathe deep.  I advised her that I breathe deep all the time.

She then asked me for the 6 Hysingla that I had left over from last month, that I paid out of pocket for and she destroyed them in front of me.   She had me sign a paper that she did this.  I told her I felt like writing on it that it felt like it was against my will, can I not keep these for backup.  She said one or the other.  I cannot have both Norco and Norco extended release. 

I was not a happy camper leaving there and I certainly didn't feel like I was being heard as a patient.  I totally felt like I was only a pill popping thing.

I think it is wonderful that this may help getting pills off of the street and out of hands that could hurt their owners in many different ways. 

I do not think it is wonderful that a person with real issues and dis-ease could be treated so inhumanely.

They take my blood pressure but do nothing about a high blood pressure reading.  They took my oxygen level from one of my disformed fingers.  Today was the first appointment that the tester told me it was a low reading.  Nothing done or offered about that either.  Double Yikes.!

I still think, perhaps, it is the universe's way of telling me to stop the pain meds.  I still think I can find healing.  I still feel fear in the chance of getting terrible pain and running out of the medicine that my body is so dependent on.  From my past pain experiences, I am still not letting go (I realize). 

What is a woman to do....

I called a new doctor this morning that a friend from down here knows and admires.  His office told me they couldn't help me and referred me to a new rheumatologist.  

My saga continues.  We all have at least one.

I bring my truth, my trust, my strength and my never-dying will to live with me...  It is sometimes very difficult.  It is always something to walk through as best as I can.

May you walk through, as best as you can, whatever lessons, challenges and 'discomfort' you are experiencing.  May you honor them all as to always honor yourself. 

 

Where

Where do I go from here...

My body still hurts, mostly, all of the time.  I saw a question on Facebook the other day that if I had a magic wand, what would I wish for.

My answer was energy to get rid of the fear that stops my own energy from freedom and being all that it could be...

There is a weight on me.  A cover.  A heaviness that weighs me down and stops me from being all that I want to be.  I feel it.  I experience it.

Is it scleroderma...  Is it my mind...  Is it what I create...  Is it what is supposed to be...

Perhaps, none of them.  Perhaps, all of the above.  Perhaps, I will never know.

To accept this truth is difficult for me.  I always believed that I can heal and that I can rid myself of what feels like my own imprisonment. 

I have not broken free; just yet. 

Is there more work...  Do I have more layers of 'my onion' to peel back and off...   'oh woe is me'...  lol but truth.

All any of us can ever do, is what we can do.  To live the life that is presently inside of us and to dream, inspire and achieve in whatever way we can.  To just be with where we are...

May we take graciousness, gratitude and love of what we can do with us.  May we let it be enough.  May we be okay with not having answers to all the questions.  May we know our worth is present just because we are here.  We are here doing what we are able to do. 

Life is a journey.  It is the journey that is our life. 

May we be open to the truth - no matter how daunting.  May we be open to what is - no matter how small.  May we live what we can in all of it's greatness. 

May we accept our journey as we conjure up anew and stay with what is present; and love, as much and as deeply as possible, our own selves and each other.

This is the journey that I am open to continuing on...

May you know the journey that you are participating in and be present as mindfully as possible as you breathe on...

Stop the Struggle

As soon as we choose to stop struggling, something happens.  We accept.  We flow.  We transform and evolve.

We know peace.

It is a choice.  Yes, it a choice.  Not always an easy one.  Sometimes, a 'no-brainer'. 

Stop the struggle within.

As I realize that everything matters - from the low lows to the high highs, it is all 'just life'; 'just living'. 

What you are experiencing now, is your life.  This is it.  There is nothing more in the moment; and, in truth, as you take this breath, you are okay.

You may not like what you are feeling.  You may not want to be experiencing what you are experiencing.  You may love what you are feeling.  You may love what you are experiencing.  You may be in between somewhere. 

As you give yourself permission to accept right where your life is now, you allow peace, love and trust to enter in.

Peace, love and trust are wondrous feelings that many good things/feelings can stem from.

In life, we are, perhaps, supposed to witness, feel, know, be, and walk down and through many emotions, roads, people, experiences and places.

This is what having a human experience is all about.  I say this because each and everyone of us is doing just this.

As we learn to accept more and more; allow ourselves to experience and live as only we can and do; embrace the situation from our most truthful depth; process it; and allow our truthful selves to walk through whatever comes our way -- we are living life fully from the place that is unique.  When we carry love with us and look through the eyes of love, as much as possible, we are doing our very best.

This is what our world needs just now, perhaps.  This is what you need just now, perhaps. 

Open our hearts, our minds, our truthful selves up. 

May we live through love.  May we support each other in and through this.  May we change our world into a place of love. 

It does start with you.  You are the center of the world.  Each and every one of us has this much authority in love.  What you do, say, think, feel, are matters.

When you love, the world looks different.  

My hope is that, if you want, your world will look different as you choose love each and every time.  You choose this because this is who you are, period.  This is who you want to be.  You want to feel, know, be and walk on with love inside of you.

It is a choice open to you.  I believe. 

It is Done

My nephew is married.  He has a wife! 

I had a lovely time.  I danced the night away.  It was so wonderful being surrounded by so many that I love and appreciate in my life.  I was happy!  The bride and groom's love was boundless. 

I was aware that I love the Florida weather and where I live.  I'm grateful for everything I have in my life.  I so appreciate my husband and the comfortable world that he provides me for.  I am proud of being married to a man for 24 years and still see his awesomeness; feel his kindness; and share his love.

I have a wonderful, happy, kind, loving family that care so deeply for each other and are a lot, a lot of fun!

I had a magical weekend!

May you have magic in your day..   better yet...

May you see and feel the magic that is in your day...  Perhaps, it is always present.  We only need to be open to it and tap in...

Wedding Daze

I am traveling to my oldest nephew's wedding day this weekend!

Love is in the air!!!

I am thrilled, touched and amazed that this little baby boy is now a grown man; in love.  He will have a wife!

Life goes on.   Life flows through.  Life lives.

I am so proud of the man that he has grown into.

Let the Love Party begin!

May you be connected to the love in your own heart. 

May you choose to send a person love instead of your 'worry'.

Love feels best.  Within and without.   Love.

Let Love Ignite!

                                                      Picture Unknown

Resistance

I feel more and more resistance within to come here. 

Am I tired of being out of my comfort zone by exploring the depth of myself...

Does my head hurt because it wants a rest exploring what I feel, think, know and do...

I would think that if I am coming up with these questions so easily, it is most likely the case.

I have been out of my comfort zone a long time; more on than off.  I have found my contentment in accepting what is.

How can I be in both a discomfort zone and contentment.   I have no clue.

If I were to delve a bit deeper, it, again, comes from accepting one's self.  It is this simple and this difficult for me.

There is still a part of me that doesn't find comfort in my strange, tight mouth; my hands being deformed and my discomfort being in my own body.  It feels like I have not fully accepted a body as a part of who I am.  This being human is the hardest part of living.  Ha. (and, yes, it is what living is all about on the surface)

By this, I mean the fitting into society and doing what is right as a whole and following rules and regulations that I do not agree with.  Gossip is something I find very uncomfortable.

It keeps coming back to walking forward.  Live by bringing my truest self into every situation I encounter and move through and on from this place.  This thought; saying; way of being is what gives me the greatest comfort.

I may not be able to do this or that, but I can love.

I may not look like this or that, but I can love.

I may not know much, but I can love.

I can love.

This, I can do.  This is my choice for my underlying way of life.

May you choose something, as your underlying way of life, that supports your extreme comfort.

Dream Big

Life will always have its ups and downs, ins and outs, over and under.  It is what we do with it all that matters and affects us the most.

Today, as you sit here reading this, you are Living Your Life.  This is what living life is. 

We participate in holidays, goals, restlessness and restfulness.  We experience what flows through us.  We think through much of what we are experiencing.  We share.  We hide.

I was once taught that we think a certain amount of thoughts each day.  And, within these thoughts, we rethink more than 3/4 of them again and again and again.

I'd like to offer for us all to Dream Big.  Think Big.  Perhaps, the biggest and 'dreamiest' we ever have.

I'd like to offer that THIS is life.  THIS is living.

We will always know wonder.  We will always have questions.  We will always experience greatness.  We will always experience loss.  This is living the human life. 

We are all doing it.  We are all experiencing it. 

I'd like to offer that as we embrace, allow, feel, decipher, and be with what is, we ARE living.

It is supposed to be a roller coaster ride.  It is supposed to hurt.  It is supposed to challenge and grow us.  It is supposed to give us some of the greatest 'gifts' we will ever know.

As we allow the roller coaster; the pain, the challenges and the growth, we can experience it all as gifts.  Gifts for our greatest experience in our human form.

So, I'd like to offer you to Dream Big.  Dream that you will, can and do experience all that life has in store for You.  Dream that you are ready and willing believing that it is all for your greatest experience here; your greatest growth.

Dream Big that you are okay even when you do not feel so.  Dream Big that you will always be okay with whatever comes your way.  Dream Big and trust that what does come your way, you can still choose love.  Dream Big, that as you walk the paths that arise and that you choose (and do not choose), you are walking your best self through your best experiences as only you can.  You, in all your uniqueness, is what benefits this world; is what grows our world. 

Dream Big that by just being everything that you are, feel, know, believe, love, hate, experience and process through -- you are living you ...  And, this is what you came to this world to do.

The good news is that you have everything inside of you to do this.  How perfect is this!

May you "Just 9Be U".  May you 'grow yourself complete'.

May you live from the depth and truth of who you are.  May you know your purpose is just this... May you allow everything you experience and are/become to stem from this. 

May I offer this as a possibility, an option, a way of life...

Rockin'

I guess that I am rocking somewhere in between knowing much, loving always and feeling pain.

I see that 11/11 is soon upon us.  Many relate 11:11 to awakening to one's true path.  Many are feeling discombobulated and like there is nowhere to hide.  Many are still hiding.  Many are open to following the flow of their life.

Wherever you are on your journey, may you be open to all that is true for you.  May you keep and embrace what you love about where you are.  May you come into the hard truth of what you don't like and breathe into it as to disburse its progress and create anew from where you are now. 

It is a challenging time for me as I see so much truth and I feel so many options and possibilities. 

I do not know anything for sure or for long term.  I am open to seeking to be my best self; my authentic self; my true self in everything that I do, breathe and am. 

I am starting to think that this is a constant for me as I allow myself to be pushed, pulled, stretched, used and touched by everyone and everything.  It is a very uncomfortable place for me.  And, I know nothing else just now.

I love.   I am.   I walk on as myself.  Yes, I know contentment in this.  Yes, I know fear in this.  Yes, I know challenge in this.   Yes, I know peace in this.

Just what if THIS is life for me; that  I am supposed to experience all of these things for as long as I'm supposed to. 

I accept this as truth for this moment and I walk on from here.  I am present in this moment and I embrace this moment.  I do not know comfort and yet I am perfectly okay.  I am not the me I want to be - full of energy and free.  I am the me that I am - limited energy and uncertain.

I do not type sensical.  I type truth.  I do not speak clearly as I am unclear.

I open my arms and mind and heart to this; the me that I am now.  I flow into the life that is present for me. 

I believe this is living.  This, as it is for us right now in this moment.  This is life.  Nothing more, nothing less.  It is ever changing and so are we.  And, to be human is to experience everything that is in front of us as only we can.  There is a uniqueness in this.  There is a generality in this. 

May you live.  Carry on from here.  Simply, just be u as u are today...  Feel who you are and connect to the love that is you and that is for you and from you........   

21 Years Old

My daughter; my precious baby girl, is turning 21 this weekend!!  Party!!!  Oh No!!!  lol

She will be labeled as a full 'adult' now.  She is at drinking age legally.  She is responsible for her whole self, whole life, responses and evolving growth.

It was just yesterday that she was a blonde, bubbly, smiley, precious toddler.  She is now a remarkable, loving, brilliant, and kind adult. 

I am so proud of the young woman that she has grown up to be.  I am thankful she picked me to be her mom.  She was, and still is, my greatest teacher.  I am blessed to call her daughter.

I find it interesting that as I was 'growing up', I often dreamed of having a family and spending time and adventures with them.  I didn't really dream about when my child would leave the nest and live her own life away from mine.

My biggest goal was to give her independence.  I succeeded (I think) and now I want to make my next chapter about helping others outside of my loved ones.  I want to succeed and give everything I am to whoever it can be helpful (or uplifting) to. 

I continue my dream of helping others to be the best that they are.

Happy 21st Birthday my beloved and beautiful daughter.  I am honored to call you my daughter.

Be the best of yourself.  Have fun and follow your heart.  Thank you for being my daughter.  Always and forever...

And to you, the awesome one reading this (yes you), may you follow your heart and be the best of you.!

Contractors

I haven't said this word in a while! 

I have 7 contractors here today putting in a new A/C, working on plumbing issues, working on appliance issues and cleaning my home.

It can have me feel like a prisoner in my home as I do my best to stay out of the way and let them carry on so they can get done as soon as possible.  So, this is a choice I am making; I am creating.  Hmm

I am grateful that I can get this stuff done.  I feel blessed and lucky.   I am tired of getting the work done, however.

So, I guess I'm creating my own hardship because of the way I am thinking this through...  Oh, I so don't want to be the one responsible for me and my feelings today!! 

And, responsible I am.

So, I will sit in gratitude waiting for the cool air to start anew in my home.  I will sit in gratitude that I have clean, temperature controlled water at my fingertips.  I am grateful for an oven to cook my food in.  I am grateful for food to cook..  And my gratitude list goes on and on...

I will sit in gratitude that I don't have to do the work and I can pay someone to do it for me.

I sit, stand, walk, sing and dance in gratitude today...  because I can choose it to be so.

May you choose your best 'place' to sit, stand, walk in/with today...  It is your choice.  Always.

Perhaps, it is both good and not so good news.  And, mostly, it is good news.  You can allow yourself to be happy.  My wish is that you do; as often as possible. 

Basket(s)

I have many thoughts and issues in a 'basket'; perhaps, in many baskets.  I sometimes feel like a basket-case! 

There is so much change and challenge going on inside of myself and around me. 

We, perhaps, are all settling into a new and (I hope) better way of life.  A more true way to be.

Many are calling it 'The Shift', 'The Awakening', 'The Change', 'The New World'.

Many say that there has been nothing this drastic or demanding ever in the history of mankind.  The totality of everything and everyone is being challenged, tested, changed and [perhaps, forced to be] honored.  Our world is the smallest it has ever been which makes our challenge in unity the greatest it has ever been. 

There is no where left to hide.  The elephant in the room is very present and persistent.  The pain that we may have ignored, numbed ourselves from, pretended it wasn't present, buried deep within, is loud and persistent.  It is demanding attention.  It is demanding change.

While this doesn't always feel good within or without, it just may be the best time ever to grow into everything that you are and everything that you want to be.

Perhaps, as life feels like it is falling apart, it really is falling together.

I need to believe this.  It feels true to me.

We all have love, beauty and life within us.  It is time to share your uniqueness; your story.  It is time to move on from it and live the you that you are now into the you that you are going to be; that you want to be; that you were born to be.

The best way to do this is to breathe.  Breathe, connect and be.  Sit with what is.  Feel what is.  Process what is.   Allow it to flow through you and out of you. 

Allow the energy that is you to be celebrated and enhanced.  Perhaps, think expansion, openness and allowance.

May you let the you that is inside of you breathe out into the you that you will carry forward onto your best and most engaging path, process, truth and into all of your tomorrow(s).