Be U: Wow

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Wow

I went back to the pain management center, today, as per my monthly appointment to get a monthly prescription of pain medicine.

I was up some of the night worried and concerned; scared even because of my experiences with the center from the beginning about 5 months ago. I felt my blood pressure increasing this morning as I was getting ready for the appointment. I heard myself saying words like horrific and evil.

I heard myself connecting to my discomfort with taking pain medicine and feeling like a criminal with the doctors counting my current amount of pills to make sure I am taking the allotted amount. Having to sign a monthly form saying I am being honest, I am not selling drugs and I am not getting them from any other physician feels degrading.

I realized, after the appointment, that I felt more like I was looked at as a pill popper than a patient with scleroderma.

My experience was that they would not budge on the amount distributed to me. I was told I wasn't allowed to take more than what was dispensed. It didn't matter and they didn't want to hear that I had more intense pain ever.

I discussed that I am more comfortable with having something like a 'security blanket' of a few extra pills as I never know when I would have a flare up.   She told me to stop thinking about it and it didn't matter. If it happens, come in. By then, it is my fear, that the pain will have a horrible hold on me.

I told her that I hear that she is not interesting in helping me with a 'security blanket' and if it cannot be pain meds, what would she suggest I use to alleviate intense or extra pain. She told me to mediate and put ice on it. Yikes!.!

Ice for a person with scleroderma... Cold is not a friend... She told me to breathe deep. I advised her that I breathe deep all the time.

She then asked me for the 6 Hysingla that I had left over from last month, that I paid out of pocket for and she destroyed them in front of me.   She had me sign a paper that she did this. I told her I felt like writing on it that it felt like it was against my will, can I not keep these for backup. She said one or the other. I cannot have both Norco and Norco extended release.

I was not a happy camper leaving there and I certainly didn't feel like I was being heard as a patient. I totally felt like I was only a pill popping thing.

I think it is wonderful that this may help getting pills off of the street and out of hands that could hurt their owners in many different ways.

I do not think it is wonderful that a person with real issues and dis-ease could be treated so inhumanely.

They take my blood pressure but do nothing about a high blood pressure reading. They took my oxygen level from one of my disformed fingers. Today was the first appointment that the tester told me it was a low reading. Nothing done or offered about that either. Double Yikes.!

I still think, perhaps, it is the universe's way of telling me to stop the pain meds. I still think I can find healing. I still feel fear in the chance of getting terrible pain and running out of the medicine that my body is so dependent on. From my past pain experiences, I am still not letting go (I realize).

What is a woman to do....

I called a new doctor this morning that a friend from down here knows and admires. His office told me they couldn't help me and referred me to a new rheumatologist.

My saga continues. We all have at least one.

I bring my truth, my trust, my strength and my never-dying will to live with me... It is sometimes very difficult. It is always something to walk through as best as I can.

May you walk through, as best as you can, whatever lessons, challenges and 'discomfort' you are experiencing. May you honor them all as to always honor yourself.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!