Ping Pong

Relationships are like a ping pong game.  I throw the ball (the way I feel) and let the other person send it back to me in whatever way they can. 

We continue sending who we are to each other and the 'game' is on.  If we hold on to it or throw it with an untruth, the 'ball' gets misplayed and the game changes or ends.

I want to always send the ball back when it is what I need to do.  I don't want to run/hide/divert.  I want to send it out and share my truth and see where it ends up. 

To stop hitting the ball because of fear would be to end the game early. 

I want to 'volley' as long as I have the will to do so.  If I shut down or stop out of fear or anything other than my truth, I am cheating myself and others.

How are you at lovingly sending your truth over the net?  Do you stop short of everything that you truly have inside of you to share?

Let the game begin!

Nothing

I have nothing.

 I wish you peace and calm with excitement.

(that sounds lovely to me!)

Balance

Here's this word again.  The past two days I have been working hard in the yard;  planting flowers, pulling weeds, sweeping, watering.  I have enjoyed it immensely and felt alive.

This morning I awake and my hands are 'talking to me'.  They are swollen and very sensitive.  They want me to stop for a bit. 

My head is mad at my body and I feel frustrated, angry and a bit worthless.  I will honor what I need and see what happens.  I feel sorry for the people that are doing the work without me today.  We have two acres of land that we groom as well as we can.  It is alot of work. 

I stopped the contractors from coming.  I needed a break of so many people around so many days.  I just may NEVER complain about contractors being here again!  They get the job done fast and well, and no work on my part! 

My life is a process.  I am trying my best to do what works today and listen to my body and needs and, yet, get the job done. 

Again, I am learning more and more that the most important thing in life is to be inside of myself and fulfill my needs and desires.  This allows me to be the most whole and have the most energy that I can share goodness, love, strength and energy with my world.  Without my 'well' full; I cannot give to others and it be a true process.

How full is your 'well' today?

Coasting throught the Weekend

Mulch, dirt, flowers and bugs.  This is my weekend.  It's great.  I think.  I rather be on the coast AND it's great that I am at least coasting through the weekend.

I am just happy to be outside and comfortable.  The sun feels so good on my back.  All the living things around me thriving and growing and sharing their magic.  It truly makes me feel alive. 

What makes you feel alive?  My wish is that you have it today.

Happy Beginning of Summer Fun

Happy Memorial Weekend.  The beaches, lakes and parks gets packed as this weekend represents the beginning of summer for us here in the Northeast region of the United States. 

The weather (high 80s) is certainly making it so.  My body feels calmer in the warm hot weather.   It's interesting how some of us feel better in the heat and others like the cold.  It seems like it's more than just a preference.  Our bodies actually respond differently.  I had one winter long ago where I remember jogging through Valley Forge National Park and jumping over the ice and loving it.  Not affected negatively by the cold.  However, only one winter can I remember not letting the cold disrupt or interfere with my life.  Why was I able to be okay in this one winter.

Why do I feel such a more alive, happy me in the higher temperatures with the sun out than I do in the cold weather with many days of no sun.  It's just the way I roll I suppose.

Anyway, I certainly am starting to feel more alive, happy and excited to go outside and enjoy life.  I am so grateful for this.  I do hesitate when I find myself not able to turn on the hose or gather sticks in the yard easily.  I do get frustrated when I can't pull the trash bag out of the can because I cannot grasp it easily to pull.  However, slowly, I find a way or I ask for help.  I'm learning to accept that this is just my life and I know it could be so much worse.

So, as the summer rolls in, I find myself hopeful and excited for what the days will bring.  I am grateful to go out back with my dogs and play in the green grass.  Listen to the birds sing at 5 am when they are just waking and the light is coming.  I am grateful to be able to just walk out back and my body be calm because I don't freeze and get a chill and tense up.  I enjoy every step outside with all the 'aliveness' and growth of the trees, plants, and flowers.  (unfortunately, the weeds thrive too!)

The frogs are croaking at the pond; the fish are swimming anxiously awaiting to be fed.  The water in the pool is blue, clear and inviting.  The squirrels are at the bird feeders and jump and run when the dogs dart for them. 

Ah, summer.  I love the aliveness of it.  Sunrise and the warmth of the sun is healing for me.  Wait, I think I hear the ice cream truck!  Ooops, false alarm.  It was just in my head! 

Our heads are a powerful thing.  It can make us believe things that are not true.  It can tell us things we need to know and keep us safe from the wrong step.  Sometimes, it can get too noisy and learning how to quiet it and keep it present is a true gift. 

So, as summer approaches, I feel grateful, hopeful and happy that all is right in my world.  I got this.  It's all about each and every minute; the small things, the over the top things; the happy things and the sad things.  I am trying to accept it all and let life flow through me and know that I have the tools to handle and be okay with everything life throws at me. 

I give myself permisson to feel whatever I need to feel; to share whatever I need to share; to ask for whatever I need to ask for; and to love with abandonment.  I give myself permission to walk through my many fears and to follow my inner knowing with love and hopefulness knowing I will be okay.  I give myself permission to fail at things.

My wish for you today is to do things in spite of fear and have no regrets for at least trying.

  I hope we find ourselves happily proud that we do the best we can with what we know and with what we are able to do and even what we are able not to do.  To not fail pretty much means we are not trying everything we want to experience.  Go for it all with gutso and live and learn and grow.  Just BE U and there is nothing better for humankind.

I think this is the pep talk I need right now.  So please know this is a lecture to myself that I hope does something positive for you as well.

"GROW ON"   Oprah Winfrey

A Letter from a Dad to His Daugther on Prom Night

This is an excerpt from a letter that came to my attention.  It was too beautiful not to share.  This is from a father to his daughter on her prom night.   Enjoy.

Life, through my own experiences, has taught me that many times I have without thought put myself in jeopardy of not being safe (actually several times being totally unsafe) while I was in the pursuit of happiness. Most, if not all, people face these same circumstances early in life (and throughout our life). Many teenagers find themselves in this exact type of circumstance during prom night, but they don’t realize it until it’s too late.  They unknowingly drift into unsafe circumstances. Many times those circumstances are intentionally created by others in a way that is not obvious to others.

Your mother and I have the utmost confidence and respect for you. You have always shown us that you are very aware of the circumstances in which you find yourself, and you make good choices.  The couple of times where you drifted into questionable situations, you identified them as such immediately following the situation, you talked to your mom about them and hopefully used them as a learning experience. You have never given us reason to not trust you; and therefore you will have our trust until we have reason not to, if ever.

You are mature beyond your age. You have good instincts. You have good judgment. One of the reasons you have these attributes is because your mother and I try not hold you back from the world because of our fears, we give you freedom, a level of freedom many parents wouldn’t give their child. 

You know right from wrong, good from bad. But many times there are not bright lines separating those two sides. The area in between is fuzzy..it’s not clear where good ends and bad begins. It is only your own experiences that allow you to develop your own perspective of where those lines exist for you as a person, as a member of society, and as a member of a family. The key as you are developing that perspective is to not stray too far, too fast. And many times that happens when older, or less mature, or more troubled kids pull a person to a place they won’t normally go themselves.   Please continue to have the confidence in your own beliefs to know where that line is drawn for you, and it’s ok for the line to be drawn in a different place by someone else for themselves.  If at ANY time, you feel you are becoming uncomfortable and the situation doesn’t turn in a direction that you want, please call us. We’ll get you anytime, anywhere.

My heart is pounding. It’s excited for you. It’s scared for me and your mom. We’re scared that if we make a mistake, today or any day, that it could have lifelong negative implications for you…literally it could damage you for life. Dramatic yes, but possible. We’ve seen it happen to other families.

 I so want you to have a SAFE and HAPPY time at prom. I am proud of the person you have already become.

Love Dad

Awareness

I hear it said that awareness is the first step to change; acknowledging what is truth for you in any situation.  In our humanness, we have great capacity for setting aside or ignoring what is uncomfortable for us to deal with.  We put it somewhere in our bodies and store it away. 

I have had some things stored for 30 plus years, I'm betting. 

Even though I have buried UNtreasure within me and not aware or connected to it; I am learning (for me) that the affect/hold it has on my ability to live true is jeopardized.  I believe my reaction to life situations can be affected by what I have buried or choose to ignore. 

This is what connection to being you can do.  It can help to release this 'uncomfortableness'/blockages that are within us and give us freedom to live our truth and react in the now to most life situations.  Some people may consider these as life triggers.  I've taken abandonment to all different levels; real and imagined.

Again, this is where when I hear kids are resilient, I say yes they are until they become adults.  Then all or a lot of our 'resiliency' comes forward and we either face it head on or choose to ignore/bury these feelings that we did not release at the time the situation occurred that changed the way we saw life.  Either option can be extremely hard work.  However, I'm learning that holding on to this 'stuff' -- the hard work lasts much longer.  If I feel it and let it go.  The hard work is done.

I'm believing, more and more, if we just feel what we are afraid to feel; let it process and flow through us, there is clarity and a lightness that takes the place of darkness and fog. 

What worked for us as children, no longer serves us.  In fact, it can be downright detrimental.  (i.e.   I learned to hide my feelings to not create chaos for the adults in my life (my belief).  Now, as an adult, hiding my feelings really stinks for me and everyone in my life (my belief).  I am numb and others don't know what I'm feeling and this makes them unable to fully connect with me and offer me help that they so desperately want to give. 

When I don't deny my feelings, I am being the closest to me that I can.  When I choose to deny my feelings, I get muddled and warped.

My wish for you is that you are allowing the flow of your feelings to rise in whatever capacity they are inside of you and that you are able to create a loving, safe environment to do so.

Beauty in the Day

There is beauty in the day - can you choose to see it?

I'm in and out!

Boulders

Excerpt from Naomi Levy's book "Hope Will Find You:  My Search for the Wisdom to Stop Waiting and Start Living"

"I once read a quote from Vaclav Havel, who said in a speech to the U.S. Congress:  "A person who cannot move and lead a somewhat normal life because he is pinned under a boulder has more time to think about his hopes than someone who is not trapped that way.""

Mmmmm.  How true for me.

May you find time to sit quietly and know your hopes.

Peace

Peace is staying out of everyone else's head.  Meaning stop thinking what they are doing, needing, wanting, feeling.  Peace, just maybe, is listening and hearing and responding to our own inner knowing; our own inner voice. 

Stay considerate and compassionate, but know that I am not responsible for their happiness or their life.

I am responsible and obligated to one person's life and that is my own.  I can only change and fulfill my needs.  I can help others and it is their life to live and be responsible for.

I am starting to believe that this is the greatest gift I can give them.  To let them know how I truly feel and think and not what I think they want to hear. 

Supporting them is allowing them to make their own mistakes and being there when they fall.  All humans fall.  But with the support of others, we always can get back up again.  Or so I hope.

Supporting them is, if asked, answer truthfully and lovingly about what I see in them and about them.  If not asked, perhaps it is not the time to share my thinking and just quietly send them love and good energy.

Supporting them is listening.  Supporting them is only offering advice if it is asked for.  Supporting them is being the real me around them.  Showing love for myself is just as important, if not moreso, then showing love for others.

How are you at supporting others today?  Are you living the best you to create and allow peace to be a continuous light around you?

Guests

I had guests today.  I realize I am still not ready to stay in my head when people are around.  I forget about my needs when others are around.  I somewhat still lose and/or bury my inner knowing and inner voice when other people are around.  I allow my head to get full of chatter and clutter instead.

I have to learn how not to do this.

I love having people around.  I strongly dislike losing myself.

My wish for you is to Be U in all situations.

Farewell Oprah Show

Farewell to The Oprah Show.  You will be missed.  You will not be forgotten.  "Whispers" will stay in my heart forever.

Thank you for the brilliance and the connection to the forever shining light of humankind.

I heard you say "grow on".  We will all open our wings and fly high and "grow on".  Love it!

My wish is that we all do grow on together.

Your Day

This is your day.  This day will never come again.

My wish for you is for you to know how special you are
 and for us all to make today a good memory for tomorrow.

Up at Night

I haven't been awake in the middle of the night for quite some time.  I feel that my most creativeness is in the middle of the night and yet I have nothing.

Nothing to say or share.  Nothing.

what's up with this?  Mmmmm.

I guess it's good I don't have pain, I don't have thoughts spinning around my head, something I need to get out and say. 

Nothingness is okay.  Nothingness, maybe, can be considered just being.

I wish you nothingness in the form of just being and allowing and peace.  I wish you peace in solitude; peace in a crowd; peace from within and peace all around you. 

"Peace, out."  (Ryan Seacrest)

Accept

If I accept pain, sadness, despair, and even death as part of the human evolution, will my life be easier, simpler, more joyful.

When I choose not to change the parts of my life that are sad, painful, or hurtful; can peace be more attainable.

If I 'sit' in acceptance and not 'resist' or 'ignore' what is, will I allow the flow of my life to saunter.

Change what I can.  Accept what I cannot.  Be at peace with what is.

Is this the 'enlightened' way?

Where I'm At

I'm somewhere between fully alive and 'coasting'.  I'm feeling like life is going to be knocking at my door and I'm going to open it and step inside.  I feel the anticipation and excitement.  I know things are going to change and I'm going to be out in the world again.

And,

I'm not quite there yet.  I'm happy staying home with the dogs and relaxing and letting things be.  I'm content allowing each day to run through me and allowing my body to rest and rejuvenate. 

I'm accepting and noticing all that my life offers me now.  I feel so blessed and lucky to be me.  There is so much good in my life.  So many wonderful people to share my life with.  I'm blessed with comfort and love.  I know I can create whatever I can dream.

I'm learning that I'm whole just the way I am.  There is a bit of resistance when I say this and think of my fingers.  Yet, I'm seeing that there is no one alive that doesn't have something that they think they would be better off if something in their life changed.

Yet, who we are and what we have in our life is exactly where we are supposed to be right now.  It is part of the big picture and we all have moments of great happiness and we all have moments of great despair.  This is the human life.

I choose to not ignore parts of me anymore.  I choose to bring what and who I am 'to the table' in all its greatness and strife.  (conflict, disharmony).  I want to live just as I am.  If I don't chose this, then I'm not living. 

We are who we are for a reason.  Who we are is enough.  When put together, everything can be whole.  When put together, great things happen.  When living through truth, the power arises.  When we combine our truth, there is nothing more necessary.

I accept you as you are.  You are enough.  When we come through honesty, kindness and love there is nothing but beauty.  What if I imagined that sadness could be beautiful?

I think if I have support, love, safety and realness - I have life and it's beautiful in all its peaks and valleys. 

What if not feeling great can be beautiful?  Can it?  Mmmmm.

May you connect with the beauty that is all of you.

Again

I sit here in the dark again this morning.  Dark and dreary; rain threatening. 

The rain has been very nice, calm, cleansing.  We have had alot of dreary days.  If this is the worse we get, I know we are lucky. 

The weather is talking to us all it seems.  The extremes have set in some and there is nothing we can do about it.  I suppose we could change locations.

I believe there is good and bad everywhere.  It's what we focus on.  What we focus on grows, I have heard.

My wish for you today is to focus on the good in your life; you may just be surprised how much good you do have in your life.  The littlest things count!

As I sit here in the dark, I am warm, comfortable and safe.  This is good!

Physically

Physically, I feel like my skin on my fingers is sewn to the bone.  My skin is not hydrated and very tight.  My stomach is swollen and my feet are not as 'padded' as I'd like them to be.

I have no ulcers on my fingers and for this I am grateful. 

I'm doing floor work still and some (very little) weights and I'm walking the dog (my older dog).  So, my movement is very low level and yet I'm doing more than I was.

I'm feeling a bit lazy and I do not have much drive.   I keep telling myself that I never ever saw myself here and I keep telling myself that I don't like being here and this is where I need to be.

Again, I'll keep going forward with this and see where it takes me.

The Universe just might surprise me.   Pleasantly, I hope!

Are you allowing and accepting what you know you need?

Irritability

I feel pretty irritable lately.  I'm not doing much.  I'm hanging around watching the tube, waiting for Oprah's last show and riding the emotional roller coaster.

I feel more 'me' than I have in a long time.  I feel like the little girl that I was again.  She is here with me.  She was not for a long time.  I was unable to connect with her.  I can connect with her and it's like I have to start over and rediscover who I am and where I am going.

I never really struggled as an adult before.  I don't think I took the time to.  I went here and there and did this and that and I never really stopped to just be me.

I was intertwined in alot of people's lives and I shared all of me with everyone I encountered.  I shared the me that I thought they needed.  I left the real me in the dust, so to speak.

I am no longer in the dust and I am having a rough time allowing people back in my life because I don't want to lose me.  It is my doing; my fault, my responsibility.  No one made me this way but me.  

I want to let people surround me and connect with me AND I want to stay me.  Easier said than done.

I am used to taking on their stuff.  I like to.  I become whole that way.   I want to be whole and then offer myself to them. 

This is exhausting to the point of irritability I suppose!  Mmmmmm

I'm going to keep on keeping on and see where it leads me.  Exciting in many way.  Exhausting in some ways.

Are you paying attention to what you are feeling and thinking?

Seeing Truth Work

A dear friend of mine got brave.  A friend of mine opened up to her sister and her mother about her true feelings.  She told them exactly how she was feeling about certain things.  At first, she felt like no one cared. 

Just a bit later, her mother called her and said things to her that made her feel so loved and safe.

Seeing truth unfold when one person has enough courage to open up and share themselves with complete vulnerability is a magical thing.

I thank you, dear friend, for sharing yourself so openly.  You are so loved.  You are so brave.  You are so doing it.

Dare you share your truth with someone you love?

We are behind you.

What I Learned, Again

I learned today that holding in misery, feelings or needs gets me no where. 

I was feeling miserable today because I wasn't sure where things were leading, what was going to be done and how things would affect my life.   I felt myself shutting down because of wanting something and not knowing how to speak up.

I felt these 'words' boiling inside of me.  I felt my body clamping down.  I heard my head tell me "come on - you know better than this".   So I took the bull by the horns, so to speak and I crossed over the line of fear that I was creating and I spoke up and said what was on my mind.  Everything.  It took me minutes to find my voice and courage.

But, I did.  I found it.  I worked through the fear and said what I truly was feeling. 

And, it worked out fine.  Just fine.  I felt better.  I got needs met and I shared my vulnerability and truth... outloud.

Oh, miracles do happen!

So, today, I learned AGAIN to speak up, ask for what I want and need and see what happens.  Almost always, it works out just fine.

May you have a voice for anything and everything that is inside of you and may you share it, through love and may love conquer all. 

Or, at the very least, may you be heard!

Post Without a Title

I'm so happy to see people reading my blog.  I'm hoping for someone (or many) to find themselves on their deepest levels through connection to their own inner knowing and also to connect us with each other. 

I'm reaching out as I find my way and hoping for connectivity. 

I believe we all are connected.  I like when I feel it.  I like when I'm in sync with people. 

It helps me to feel important and alive.

I tell others to give themselves what they need and want.  I need a place in this world to call mine.  A place where I feel I can connect with others through life and through living. 

I don't think I mean a physical place.  I think I mean a heartfelt spiritual place; a heartfelt spiritual connection. 

I started this particular post without a title (first time ever).  I just sat here with nothing to say.  I feel embarrassed and vulnerable in this place.  Yet, no truer words can come from me in this moment.

Are you connected?

Weather representing Life

What a crazy weather day it is here today.  One minute it's dark and dreary, the next moment it's sunny and bright.

It has been this way for several hours now.  Sort of like me.  One minute, I'm down and out; the next moment I'm hopeful and excited.

Life sure has its ups and downs; mountains and valleys; ebbs and flows. 

I am learning more and more that how I react to them is what matters most.

I do have a choice.  Always.

I don't always choose best.

Do you know that you may very well be choosing AND are you in touch with what you are choosing?  My wish for you is to choose your 'happy'. 

Perhaps, something that is being resisted is something that we most need...

Just sayin...

Easier

So, I'm home from Florida and it's dark and rainy here in Pennsylvania.  Lots of lush greenery and more wet than ever.

I'm finding myself telling myself it is easier to just stay home and be with the dogs.  No need to go out.  I can grocery shop another day and there is nothing I really need to do out there.

Is this really easier?  I question it because I'm a bit bored, lonely and lazy.  I don't really like those three feelings too much. 

I don't know why I don't push myself to go out and be amongst the living.  I'm embarrassed by not wanting to and there is also a fear of being out there.

This is something I have to figure out and change up some.  I am stuck here and do not want to be.

I have much shame that I cannot do better or more.  Mmmmm

When you think of the easier road, do you know for sure that it is? 

How do I know the reality of doing better?  I don't think I'd be feeling like this if I was on my right path; yet, I'm also feeling that I'm not sure what I know right now.

This is definitely a trial and not a tribulation.

Time will tell and why I am waiting for 'time to tell' --  am I wasting valuable time?  It's all too much to think about.

My morning did consist of the washer leaking out all of it's water all over the floor and many, many wet towels later, I have done several wash loads.

Mmmm.   Not only is it more wet than ever outside; inside it has been pretty wet as well!  (I only related this now.)  I often have water leaks.  Would love to know what they mean, if anything. 

Change

Why can it take so long for us humans to change what we know will make us happy?
 Anonymous

Where do I go From Here

Seems I'm in the midst of new growth and I'm not sure exactly what is going to happen or where I'm going from here.

I'm not where I was.  I'm pretty happy about this.  My fingers do not hurt like they did.  It is starting to warm up and I've always been a different person in summer then winter, but, I think it's more than that. 

I've done alot, alot, alot of work on myself and my thoughts, ways and needs and I'm different.  I think in a much more peaceful way.

I remember going to a psychic for fun and she said we all had one thing we could ask for.  I asked for peace.  I think I am finding it more and more and for longer periods.  I like peace from within.  I hope it creates peace around me also and that this peace reaches out and continues on and on.

I'm sort of in a 'just be' coma.  In between what I was and did to what I will be doing and am.

Mmmmm.

May you bring to your life YOU and peace.  
 

Dizzy

With me being where I belong - S. Florida - and knowing that I'm not quite here.... gets me dizzy and ashamed and scared to even state it.

Why, wanting something so bad - for me - is so hard for me to swallow. 

Do I not feel worthy?  I know that I am, YET I feel everyone else needs to be happy also.  It's not fair for me to just be happy.

Where this is coming from, I'm not sure completely.  I certainly want to change this wording and thought process up!

I can be happy first and it's up to everyone else to follow.  I can't give 'happy' unless I am happy.

Yes, that works!

May you be getting your 'happy' on so I can get mine!   May you be getting your 'happy' on as I am allowing my own 'happy' to flourish!

Never Too Old to Learn

Every day we have opportunities to learn.  We can learn about animals; the world; science, each other and ourselves; and much, much more.

I don't think it's possible to learn everything that there is to learn.  Some things we enjoy learning about; others not necessarily so.

Exercise the mind.  Exercise the body. 

I keep moving forward through 'exercise'.  I can never get enough. 

Life is wonderful when I exercise my way through it.  I can never learn enough.

May you learn something today that is great fun and a great opportunity to be closer to 'U' and may you have courage to use it.

You know you got it when you find yourself at 'U' University.  I think this 'university' is probably like Hotel California (Eagles song).  'you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave".  Ha.

Strength vs. Courage

"Our greatest disability is fear, our greatest strength is courage."

Excerpts from "Hope Will Find You:  My Search for the Wisdom to Stop Waiting and Start Living" by Naomi Levy.


"Choose a path.  Stay with your path.  Be ready to face obstacles blocking your way.  Even if you take a wrong turn, at least it will be your turn.  Your life, your mistake.  You will have learned which road not to take in the future.  And besides, you will be moving.  Your spiritual coma will be lifting.  Your legs won't be asleep anymore.  Your muscles will grow stronger.  You will meet wonderful people and see breathtaking sights."

Thank you Rabbi Naomi Levy.

I couldn't have said it better myself!

Are you on your path?  You know you got it if you say yes!

Pelican

The Pelican has always been one of my favorite creatures, along with the Black Panther.

Meaning as told by Ted Andrews from his book "Animal Speak".  (exerpts only below, there is more in his book)

Renewed Buoyancy and Unselfishness

Ask yourself  "Are you trying to store what shouldn't be stored?  Are you not using or digesting what you have?"

"An old story tells of how the pelican wound its own breast and fed its young on the blood.  This explains the image of self-sacrifice"

"Symbolically, this hints at being able to be buoyant and to rest on top in spite of the heaviness of life circumstances.  The pelican teaches that no matter how difficult life becomes, no matter how much you plunge--you can pop to the surface."

"freeing oneself from that which would weigh you down"  "The water is a symbol of emotions, and emotions often weigh us down.  The pelican teaches how not to be overcome by them."

Can you learn from the pelican?

What's A Woman to Do

I'm here in Florida and my daughter is in school and I want to go get a pedicure.  I have one toe that is starting to 'act' like my fingers and I can't seem to make the appointment because I'm fearful of pain and/or embarrassment.  I am also creating very limited time slots because, oh how horrible would it be if I made my daughter wait for me to get a pedicure.  (my pedicurist is a single practitioner).  Come on, seriously, is this what I want to spend my energy worrying about.  Ha. 

I was always able to at least get a pedicure and now this is changing up some.  I have nine good toes; and, yet I choose to worry about the one not so good toe.....

I have to rearrange the way I look at things.  I've become very skewed.

Push through it, I suppose.  Carry on. 

My other toes will be happy, no?  ha.

Are you looking at things in the most beneficial ways to you.  You are the only one that CAN do this!  We are the only ones that can look at things through our own eyes and either help or hurt ourselves. 

I say 'OWN IT'.  it feels so scary to me....oh boy.

Sounds of the Surf

Waking up to the sound of the surf; it so soothes my soul.

What soothes your soul today?  Can you choose to be with it a bit; if only just for a few moments?

Down South

I'm down in Southern Fl, USA and the weather is nice and warm.  There is an ocean breeze from my hotel room and I can hear the sound of the surf crashing against the sand.

The water's color is a clear aquamarine and it is beautiful.  The white foam at the ocean's edge is playful and agitated.

The palm trees are dancing in the breeze.  The ocean is calm.

I am loving every breath I take. 

The boats on the horizon are plentiful and in one area.  I'm wondering if they are catching alot of fish.  They look like white specks on the horizon.  The pelicans fly by my window in groups.  I love those pelicans.

This is where I belong.  This allows my spirit to fly.  This is where I feel mostly 'at home'.

What allows you to feel 'at home'?  Do you have it as part of your life?  What can you do to encourage more of it?

Up and Running

Another adventure today!  Can't wait to see what life has to offer.

May you find in your life today something you've been looking for.

When

When I'm in everyone else's head, it's hard to be in my own!

Here I am thinking about what this person needs, what this person wants, what this person thinks.  When I do this, I am not aware of what I need, want or think.

And, how do I really know what others need, what or think for sure without asking them.

Let it be.  Perhaps, one of the reasons the Beatles were so popular because they delivered so much truth in their songs. 

Just saying.

What is your mind concentrating on?

Again, when I find my thoughts wondering away, I can bring 'me' back by telling myself, Be Here Now.  I can choose to only focus on the 'work' at hand.

i.e.  As I'm folding my clothes - notice the texture, the shape, the color, the smell.  When I see/hear my mind 'wondering' to the noise in the next room, bring my mind back to my present. 

All I can do is try and try and try.

Awareness.  Being Awake.  Being Me.

May you give yourself permission to Be U in all your glory, imperfections and truth. 

All Just Get Along

Why can't we all just get along and love ourselves enough to not worry about the next guy?  If we all were confident and content enough being who we are, would we not worry about how everyone else is living?  Would we find ourselves unconcerned with the 'rath' that other people are putting on us?

If we are loving and safe enough in our own world, would we not have to want to change everyone else?

I believe we can change people only by the way we interpret, see, look at them.   This is the good and the bad news.  Ha.

For just today, can we focus on what we are doing and feeling instead what others are doing 'to us'?

How do you feel inside of your body right now?  Is there one thing that you can think and do differently to change this if this is what you want?  

If you are in a good place, then you are in your right direction!  Good for you!

Day Before Travel

I'm realizing that because I am traveling tomorrow, my head has me 'there' already today.  This is where the Power of Now comes in. 

If I could keep myself present and mentally involved in what I'm doing at this moment, then I'd feel much more relaxed, safe and calm.

However, easier said then done for me.

Another work in progress!

Is your mind presently on what you are doing or does it have you somewhere else?

Sitting in the Darkness

I'm here sitting in darkness.  It is rainy and dark and 8 p.m.  The house is quiet.

I've been home all day eating and laying around.  I feel it!

I hope I do different tomorrow.  I feel less accomplished when I have days like this.  I feel like I've accomplished more on days that I'm up and out and about. 

I wonder how true this is...

Is it possible that both kind of days are just as helpful to me or as beneficial.  It certainly doesn't feel it.  AND, could it be that I'm alone with myself and my thoughts and it's easier not to be?

Mmmm.

When do you feel like you have accomplished the most?  Do you know, for sure, that this is true?

Saturday the 14th

It's a dark, wet Saturday here in the Northeast region of the United States.  Everything is in full bloom.  Grass is green, trees are green, the mountain laurel is blooming and the cherry blossoms and dogwoods are all happy and alive.  Standing tall and proud. 

The rose bushes and butterfly bushes all have their leaves and soon they will be flowering and displaying their brilliant colors and attracting butterflies!   I love this time of year.  The outdoors is vibrancy at its best.

The squirrels are running all around the yard.  The birds are all eating from the feeders and hanging out and singing their songs.  The frogs are jumping in and out of the pond and croaking happily.

The ticks are plentiful and I see them almost every day.  Not my favorite part of this vibrancy, but with the good comes the not so good.  Or at the very least, nuances.  I just had a tick pulled off of my scalp and it left a big lump where it resided for days.  Yuk.

I'm looking forward to seeing what today brings and I'm hopeful and believe that life is good.  I'm seeing many signs that seem to be saying to me that if we know the good and beauty that awaits us, we would be very content.

May you believe and know that there is much awesomeness that awaits you as the process of your life unfolds.

I hope you get to experience some of it today just by being you.

Happy Travels

I'm going to be traveling for a couple of days and I look forward to it and I also am resisting it.  I am only resisting it because the dogs have gotten used to me being back home.  Everything is going somewhat smoothly and I feel sorry for them that I'm leaving them.

When Durby sees me getting out my suitcase, he immediately goes to lay down and shows signs of sadness and depression.  When they all see me wheeling my suitcase out of the house, they all gather around my legs and ask me to go.  I have taken them with me on many trips.  This one is another one I cannot or choose not to because it's so much easier without them.

Because of the way I took on my father abandoning me, I also have issues of feeling like I'm abandoning people and dogs when I leave them.  Is this like reverse abandonment issues of some kind.  I think so.  I have to tell myself I'm not abandoning them, I will return and they are well taken care of.

Once I'm out the door, I am usually fine.  It's the leaving that I let bother me.  I'm going to try to feel and do differently this time.

Again, I hear people say that kids are resilient.  I say, yes, they show signs of resilience until they turn into adults! This is when all my childhood 'issues' came up and out for me.  Resilient wouldn't have been the word I would use then! 

So, as we travel from childhood to adulthood, I wish us all gentleness, love, compassion, to be listened to and heard.  

My wish is that if you can't get something that you need from outside sources, may you discover and learn how to give it to yourself.

Happy Travels in your day to day life. 

 (didn't see it going in this direction!  ha.)

Screening

If I would put my current life up on a screen and watch and examine it - would it look different to me then it does from my day to day life of living inside my head.

What would I see.  What would I learn.  I'm sure, as in all life, there would be some really happy, satisfying things; there would be some things I surely would like to change and there would be some surprises.

I can be the writer, director and producer of my own life.  I can keep, change up, rearrange, add, subtract to make my life what I want to 'watch' and really live.

So can you.

Are you creating and directing your life with the goal of being the authentic, true-to-yourself you through love and compassion?

I believe it's ours for the doing.

Just Be

I'm going to just be today.  Just let life flow through me and accept, allow and feel all the realness of my day.  What beauty there is in this.

What if it really is just all good; all just part of the process.

The upbeat, fun, loving AND the low light agony we all experience at one time or another.

Just what if all this made us what we are and all is right.

I'm going to just be with this for now.

Is there something you have been wanting to 'just be' with for a bit to maybe just try out?  Are you ready?  Do you dare?

Your HeartFace

Toni Morrison says through Oprah 'Let Your Face Show Your Heart'.

I want my face to show my heart.  I know it does not right now.  I have created a great mask so as not to be vulnerable.  Vulnerability can allow pain and hurt.  Yes it can.

AND, Vulnerability can allow love and compassion as well.

Mmmmm.

I want to not be afraid to feel it all.  To live fully through each and every emotion that emotes from within me.

Are you ready to feel it all?

Will you allow your heart to shine through your face? 

I can imagine the beauty that is possible through doing this. 

What I Know Today

I know that it's me that affects my life the most.

There are people around me, places I go, things I do,  BUT it's how I see and react to ALL of this that makes me me.

Only I can make me me.

My response to everything is what makes me me.

I can choose the way I think, feel, react, live.

It's no one else's chosing but my own.

How are you going to live today?  How does the way you are responding to life make you feel? 

Again, I say live on.  Live You.  Be You.  There is no greater gift.

Up and Running

Great job to the people that took care of the blogger site.  Thank you for getting it back up and running.

Too Frantic

Frantic - desperate or wild with excitement, passion, fear, pain, etc.; frenzied. (dictionary.com)

I'm feeling a bit frantic today.  I'm desperate or wild with all of the above; excitement, passion, fear, (not too much pain, however!)  I said not too much pain.  Wow.  I haven't said no pain in a long, long time!  For this I am really grateful.  I want to 'roll' this way from now on!  No pain.

I am feeling everything.  This may be good BUT until I can better work with all these feelings, it's just a 'wild' feeling.  Uncertain; uncanny.

Uncanny - having or seeming to have a supernatural or inexplicable basis; beyond the ordinary or normal; extraordinary:
mysterious; arousing superstitious fear or dread; uncomfortably strange (dictionary.com)

Are U allowing Urself to feel today?  Do U know what U feel?

Good or Crazy Mom

I think I'm being a good mom by hanging around the house and waiting to see if anyone needs my attention or help.

When asked if they care if I'm home or not - they answer with 'why would it matter to me'?  Ha. 

I am pleasantly shocked.  Perhaps, I'm psycho!

I'm hoping this will help me to get out and get on with my life.

The things I tell myself and believe are not always the most beneficial!

Is there something U are telling Urself that U would be 'better' if U didn't hear it?

Perhaps, this is a good time for rephrasing.  I could say if anyone needs me, I'm just a phone call away.  (far out, man!)  (oh, brother)

sounds so simple, does not feel this way

Finding Honesty

Well, I'm getting real brave typing and texting my true self.  I've 'talked' my true self with a few people.  It's interesting that I'm not talking to alot of friends/family/acquaintances/people because I'm not ready to be real completely and entirely through all my interactions.  I'm not sure I know how to be.

It's a bit scary for me yet.

I did notice that just today I texted things I never would have said to people before.  Sharing my reality and thoughts with what I knew would not be what the person would want to hear, perhaps. Also, knowing that it may hurt or anger them.  Something I never would want to do before or be brave enough or confident enough to do ever.  

And, it turned out wonderful.  The two people I was brave enough to question or share with answered me with they "knew my head went there" and "don't be sorry - I don't like it either really". 

Wowee.  This being honest (with my total truth of who I am and what I am feel), through love, is so powerful for all involved.

Try it, you will like it. 

I'd suggest, if you don't already, to start listening to your true self and acknowledge YOU.

What's Ur true thought, feeling, emotion that is inside of U presently?  Can U hear it?

All Over

I'm pretty much running the gambit of emotions/feelings today.  One minute I'm down and out, the next I'm up and happy.  One moment I'm laughing, the next I'm irritable.

Day full of all over-ness.

I will try to accept what is and allow the process to continue.  I'm hoping I'm done with hindering my life process.  I wish to allow it and participate.

What are U doing with what U are truly feeling right now?  Are U with it?  I mean really acknowledging and listening to it. 

I've been wanting to 'change the channel' where my health is concerned for so long.  It's interesting trying to just accept it.  Interesting = feeling it all.

Want

I am learning that...   if I don't do what I want - I am not what I want....

May U be and do what U want today.....  Just Be U.

All I Do

It seems that all I'm doing is what I have to do.  I am not doing what I want, for the most part.  I'm being responsible; taking care of my responsibilities and stopping at that.

I know I need to go beyond this and do more things that are fun and enjoyable to me; my spirit.  I realized today that I am waking up on most days and not looking forward to anything.

How sad is that. 

I need to have things that I totally look forward to.  I've been stuck in a rut and this is my way out, I believe.

I only wish I knew how to accomplish this.  Ha.

May U have alot of things to look forward to today.

Crying

"You see me crying in here, right?  I don't try to hide it anymore.  I mean, what's the point?  You know what I mean.  I cry.  So what?"

  "Live Wire" by Harlen Coben

For me, to cry is to cleanse your soul. 

Have U cleansed Ur soul lately?

Miles to Go

"Miles to Go" by Richard Paul Evans

"No one goes through life without pain--of this I'm certain.  The  price for joy is sadness.  The price for having is loss."

"In the end, we all lose it.  Remember that.  In the end, we own nothing." 

I wonder if, in the end, we take the love that our heart and soul collects.

May, today, U gather and share all the love U can. 

to Speak

From 'The Book of Awakening:  Having the Life you Want by Being Present to the Life You Have" by Mark Nepo

"Just by speaking I can break out of my self-made prison."

"Likewise, it is the speaking of one's heart that makes a human being human.  For even if no one hears us, it is the act of speaking that frees us by letting the spirit swim and fly through the world."

Are U speaking what U want/need to speak? 

What I hear in my being is real.  I am trying not to disown it or disregard it.  I want to acknowledge it and speak it. 

Happy Mother's Day!

I want to wish everyone a very happy, moment to moment, Mother's Day.

My Mother-In-Law told me after I had my daughter - 'you know something now that you didn't know before'.  She certainly was right about that!  I believe we all learn a lot of things by having children!  I know I never looked at life the same.  I was 34 when I had my beautiful baby girl.

May U know and feel the importance of U in Ur child's life and may U cherish moments with Ur children more than worrying about them.


May U ask for what U want/need and may U be pleasantly surprised by getting it!


Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms-to-Be, Moms, Mothers-In-Law, Grandmothers, Great-Grandmothers, Great-Great Grandmothers and for the 'Moms' that love like no other on earth.


There is no love like a Mother's Love.  This I know for sure.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a Mom to my precious, beautiful, intelligent, loving Daughter.  I love you.

                                                  Online Sample Picture

McSteamy's hind quarter with a HEART

Inabilities - Smimabilities

Today, while out carrying dead tree branches to a large pile to burn, I realized that I'm not the only person on the planet that has inabilities.

                Inability - lack of power, capacity, means   (dictionary.com)

There isn't a person alive that doesn't have a problem, a lack of, or an inability in some way or another.  So, instead of focusing on what I cannot do, I realized it's up to me to figure out what I do want to focus on.

So, I say 'inability - smimability'.  I want to focus on what I can accomplish; what I am able to get done.  Because, believe U me, there are a lot of things I CAN do. 

There are a lot of things that U can do. 

Let's do what we CAN do and not worry so much about what we cannot.

Okay?

May U focus on the things that U can do and may U share them with your world.

It's okay to not be able to do everything we want.  It's okay.

                                                   Origin Unknown

Peacock

Peacock is about spiritual renewal and rebirth.  It's representative of the Phoenix, in which one rises from one's own ashes.

It's about the sun and the moon.  It's about making connections and having correspondence.

There's a story about the loud squawk of the peacock coming from looking at it's own feet.  Everytime it would look down and see it's strange looking feet, it would squawk.  It comes from levity and laughter.

Our feet are our foundation.  Stand firm and strong from the ground up.

 ------

This morning I was laying with my back down and my feet high up on the wall.  I was just out back trying to work in the yard and I came in frustrated and sad of my inabilities.  I looked up to a picture of a peacock and there was sunlight allowing the white peacock to look illuminated.  Its beauty caught my attention.  I went to the book 'Animal Speak' by Ted Andrews.  Above is what resonated with me and what I'd like to share.  I also looked online at Animals, Birds and Insects and Their Meanings.

May U know levity and laughter today by connecting to the world through Ur own spirit.  

A Day of Great Truth

My wish for all of us is a day with great truth surrounding us, residing within and about us, and living through our great truth with everything we do, say, experience.

May we all share the truth of who we were born to be with every encounter we come across today.

May we all accept each others' truth through love, compassion and trust.

May U know and live Ur great truth today and find nothing but beauty, peace, love, acceptance and openness.

May U live all of these things today.

All is Well in My World

Tonight, right now at this moment, all is well in my world.

My wish is that all is well in Ur world in this moment, right now.

Good News/Bad News

Only You Can Make You Happy.  (good news/bad news)  Only YOU can make YOU happy.

Are U happy? 

Is there something U can do right now to make U more happy?  Care to try it?

Right now, what will make me happy is a cup of tea.  Yes, I'm going to do it.  Ha. 

Re sent ment

Resentment means the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult (dictionary.com).

This word stayed with me yesterday.  I wasn't liking this too much either.  Almost every act, remark, person that I encountered, I felt displeasure about.

I realized that it wasn't so much about it/that/them.  It was more about what I was feeling and experiencing.

I know that when I am at peace and when I'm feeling joy and/or loving myself, there is truly not a place for resentment in me.

However, when I am down and out and/or miserable, it seems to open the door for resentment and other like things.

When nothing bothers me, nothing bothers me.  When I'm in a 'darker' place, I find myself being bothered more.

Is it all about being comfortable and happy in our own skin?  Can we choose this over an alternative?  I'm surely going to 'play' this for a bit and see where it takes me.

Do we have to feel/know love and the like before we can share it?

May U 'be' love today. 

Along with Be U, may U Be today.  Be the light, the love, the comfortable, the happy, the ________(fill in the blank) in Ur world today. 

All It Takes is Time

Luckily, my 'miserable' wore off quite a bit from yesterday.  I don't like even sharing that I'm miserable; let alone feeling miserable.

The word 'implode' came to my mind yesterday.  It means to burst inward because of external pressure.  I was 'bursting' alright.  Perhaps this is where the feeling of war with oneself came from.

So, hopefully, now that the implosion is behind me, for now; I can move forward and onward to create less external pressures.

Because, again, I feel and believe that it is not so much about what is going on in my life that matters; it's more about how I perceive and react to it.

I'd like to start perceiving and reacting to pain and inability differently; in a more peaceful and productive way.  

How would U rate Ur peacefulness and productiveness?  Are U working it in beneficial ways for U?

When Miserable

 I don't like myself when I am miserable.  Not too fond of spending time with myself when I am miserable.  I'm stuck in miserable and I can't get out.

I'm hoping if I sit with it long enough, it will change.  In fact, I know it will.  However, I'm not liking the time I spend miserable.

I believe it's a choice.  Apparently, if this is so, I am choosing miserable.

I don't like myself for choosing this.  Presently, however, I cannot seem to 'out choose' it.

Anger, resentment, frustration are very prevalent for me right now.

I better wake up tomorrow feeling different!  Please let me wake up tomorrow feeling differently.

May U be choosing what works and feels good on U today!

Go/Stop

I have this internal war going on it feels.  Go - Stop/  Go - Stop/ Go - Stop

My body is screaming and I can't find comfort.  I want to say it's ridiculous and I want to be gentler with myself. 

I am very tired of feeling this way.  I've been to many, many professionals for help; to no avail.  I've done some real weirdo stuff in the name of good health; to no avail.

I still sit here suffering.

What is up with this?  Why?

How much pain does a person have to endure; how much 'push' does a person have to have?  I guess I'm, for a large part, finding out.

I'm angry and frustrated.  I want to do better.  I'm no longer sure it's up to me alone. 

I have given up control; I have given it all I got; I have reached out for help; I have gone inward.  What am I missing?

What comes to me is '' just live anyway ".  I say "easier said then done".  AND I WILL CONTINUE TO TRY.

My saga continues.

All our lives continue on.  Might as well just be ourselves and get on with it.

My hope for U today is to JUST BE U.

Thought I'd Take Another Shot at Posting

Here I sit at the computer in the wee hours of morning.  I feel the A/C blowing air and I feel a bit chilled.  I hear the air ozone machine processing the air I breathe.  I hear the water trickle down one of my fountains.  I see the window candle lights go on as I sit here.  My dogs lay on the floor nearby.  Everyone else is sleeping soundly.

I haven't been up and about much.  The littlest chores are feeling overwhelming most of the time to me. 

My brain tells me I am in the process of major changes and revamping.  My head tells me I am in a state of flux.  My body tells me it's waiting on me getting my act together to show it the direction we are going to go forward with.  My spirit is ready to soar onward with this human life.

Now all I have to do is connect all of them to work as one and I'm back on the 'living track' as the real me in this next chapter of my life.  Take more action and just less contemplating.  I am ready to soar, to laugh, to share and to be amazing.

I believe that by being our true selves, there is nothing less then amazing waiting for us.   We were all born to be amazing, whole and follow our inner knowing.  Anything is possible if we just allow our inner truth to be seen, heard and shared.  You know you got it, if it comes from the pit of your stomach!

Are U ready to be Ur most amazing U?

  And the great thing is - is all U have to do is Be U.  Just Be U in all Ur perfections and imperfections; joys and trials, growth and stagnancy.  Just 'rock' the real YOU.  U are our greatest gift of all.

Late Night Post

I haven't written a post in the middle of the night in quite some time.  Since FL, for some reason, I haven't been waking up in the middle of the night.

Here I am up.  It's a nice rain outside and the A/C is on because it's pretty warm outside still.  I took the dogs out and the worms were having a fun time across the patio.  I had to be careful where I stepped so I didn't squish one in my bare feet.  That would not be enjoyable to me!

I'm having alot of moments of forgetfulness, mental UNclarification and inability to make decisions.  I'm feeling a bit paralyzed with doing what works for me.  AND, I'm not sure of what does.

I always stated that I knew exactly what I wanted, needed and wished for but didn't bring it out.  Now, that I've been bringing it 'out' for the last several months (with good results), I seem to be stuck not knowing.

It's kind of like I'm empty from everything I always wanted to spill out.  I'm empty from everything I ever needed to talk about, face, encounter, share, and release from within. 

So, now what.....

Let life happen I suppose.  I do have fear here, however.  I'm not sure fear of what though.  Fear of not doing it right?  Isn't this impossible if I do it with honesty, love and as informed as possible.

So, I want to release myself to incorporate a whole new chapter of my life.  To breath, eat and sleep me through compassion of others.

It's quite interesting watching this unfold.  I choose to trust the process of my life as much as I humanly can.  I choose to be open minded and respectful of life.  I choose to build on my faith and follow my dreams; known and unknown.

That's where I am on this late night of May 4, 2011. 

May U know Ur dreams and follow Ur process of Ur life open mindedly and willingly through grace, love and trust of oneself and others.

DREAM ON.

Hesitation

I'm feeling hesitant and concerned that I am writing the same things over and over; that I am feeling the same things over and over.

I find myself rather boring these days.  I surely do not want to be boring (my goodness!).

When will my struggle in this mode end?  I ask that and, yet, a large part of me believes that the struggle I had last week (while still the same overall struggle); it is different in this week.

I say it's different because my relationships are certainly changing.  My relationships with other people, with things and with myself.  They are all different this week than they were last week in many aspects. 

I am growing; I am learning; I am releasing; and I am doing 'life' anew.  Sometimes, it is very minimal, yet, it is still happening.

So, while I am feeling 'stuck', my reality is that yes, perhaps, in some ways I am stuck.  However, in many ways I'm moving right along. 

Life, it just happens.  Somedays I can choose to just let it be.  Other times, I can choose to make an effort to participate, build, grow, feel, love, run and walk.

What's Ur choice for Ur life today?