Be U: Outside

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Outside

What a beautiful day outside! Sunny, 60s in the morning. Invigorating. Fresh Air. Warm sunshine. Really wonderful!

I go outside to bring my garden balls outside and put up the hanging plant holders. I'm out there less than 5 minutes and my fingers are being beaten because I'm hitting them against things and I find myself running back inside angry, sad and frustrated.

Angry, I can't do it easily. Sad that I am no help and frustrated about it all. I used to take a lot of pain pills to enable me to 'live' and do everything. I am trying to find a new way and without the high doses of pain medicine, I cannot ignore or pretend. I cannot keep going. I cannot trudge through it in any way, shape or form right now.

I would love this time of year. I would come alive, so to speak, after the long, hard, winter. I would love being out there and getting my hands dirty and planting beautiful flowers to color my world.

When I told a relative that I was not planting flowers this year because I was unable to push myself, she told me I was 'ridiculous'. Interesting word, isn't it. In the past, I would believe this. Now, I would use the words 'this is sad, and I will accept it for right now'. I can't do anything about where I am and to create more stress and to beat myself up isn't the answer for sure. (I am lucky that I have people that will plant flowers for me.)

My body is saying one thing and my mind is trying to be it's savior right now and create calm and acceptance of what is in this moment.

The war within can be the silliest war of all.

As I was walking my dog this morning, I 'heard' the words 'If He brings me to it, He will bring me through it'. I so hope this is true! I believe it is.

It is a beautiful day and we've all got this one shot at it.

If U were being the most true to U today, what would U be doing? Are U doing it?

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!