Be U: Awareness

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Awareness

I hear it said that awareness is the first step to change; acknowledging what is truth for you in any situation. In our humanness, we have great capacity for setting aside or ignoring what is uncomfortable for us to deal with. We put it somewhere in our bodies and store it away.

I have had some things stored for 30 plus years, I'm betting.

Even though I have buried UNtreasure within me and not aware or connected to it; I am learning (for me) that the affect/hold it has on my ability to live true is jeopardized. I believe my reaction to life situations can be affected by what I have buried or choose to ignore.

This is what connection to being you can do. It can help to release this 'uncomfortableness'/blockages that are within us and give us freedom to live our truth and react in the now to most life situations. Some people may consider these as life triggers. I've taken abandonment to all different levels; real and imagined.

Again, this is where when I hear kids are resilient, I say yes they are until they become adults. Then all or a lot of our 'resiliency' comes forward and we either face it head on or choose to ignore/bury these feelings that we did not release at the time the situation occurred that changed the way we saw life. Either option can be extremely hard work. However, I'm learning that holding on to this 'stuff' -- the hard work lasts much longer. If I feel it and let it go. The hard work is done.

I'm believing, more and more, if we just feel what we are afraid to feel; let it process and flow through us, there is clarity and a lightness that takes the place of darkness and fog.

What worked for us as children, no longer serves us. In fact, it can be downright detrimental. (i.e. I learned to hide my feelings to not create chaos for the adults in my life (my belief). Now, as an adult, hiding my feelings really stinks for me and everyone in my life (my belief). I am numb and others don't know what I'm feeling and this makes them unable to fully connect with me and offer me help that they so desperately want to give.

When I don't deny my feelings, I am being the closest to me that I can. When I choose to deny my feelings, I get muddled and warped.

My wish for you is that you are allowing the flow of your feelings to rise in whatever capacity they are inside of you and that you are able to create a loving, safe environment to do so.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!