Achy Breaky

As I type the name of this post, I remember the 'Achy Breaky Heart' song and dance by Billy Ray Cyrus.  What fun that was!  It was all the hype. 

And, as it is what came to my mind when I sat here at the computer, 'achy' is what I am feeling. 

It is a beautiful blue sky day.  There is a gentle breeze and everything looks so alive.  I love it.  I am grateful for it.

I am on the new medicine(s).  It must be helping.  I'm not ready to run a marathon, however.  In truth, I never have been.  But I could walk forever, and I ran three miles daily through the small hills of Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, USA and the shores of the New Jersey, USA beaches.  I probably had Achy Breaky on my "Walkman". 

I still stretch.  If I do not stretch, I am more achy and feel like I may be 'breaky'...

When I stretch, I expand and just feel better.  Maybe one day I will do more.. today is not this day.  I 'planked' last night.  Ha!

It feels like my body is screaming.  I read somewhere that scleroderma can feel like a constant toothache under the skin.  This feels true to me.  It is like my skin is too small for my bones and is constantly being stretched and tightened.  It hurts. 

I keep dreaming that I will wake up one day and I will be 'normal' (whatever that is) again and not be so bogged down with discomfort, my inabilities and doctor visits.  I will once again look beyond this part of me and just know, be and do better.  Today is not this day.

I do know I can love through.  I do know I can be true through.  I do know I connect to all that is here for me to connect to just now.  I do know that I could be so much worse off.  I do know that I could be better off.   I do know that this is what is my 'cross to bear'.  We all have at least one. 

It is our human way.  ...  until it is not. 

I am grateful for blue skies.  I am grateful for warm temperatures.  I am grateful for love.  I am grateful for loving and caring people.  I am grateful for all that I have learned.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, whatever you are feeling, may you see and know gratefulness through any and all of your achy, breaky moments. 

Days or Daze

The days seem to be going by very fast.  I wake up and before I know it, I'm going to sleep.  There are many hours in between and, yet, they seem to go by very fast.

I don't know all of what I'm occupying myself with. 

I was very much concentrating on doctors and settling into medical help.  I'm hopefully, at the end of this search for now.

I know I go on FB and social media.   I 'talk' with friends and family.  We talk about life and living as our best selves.  I take care of the animals and the house.  I enjoy a walk in the nature that surrounds my home.  I love the sun on my face or the breeze on my skin.  When it is cold, as it has been for two or so days now, I enjoy the warmth of winter clothes. 

We, my family, friends and connections, talk about really awesome stuff and really challenging stuff.  We all have it.  We all have both in our lives at one time or another.  If we can get somewhat balanced in it, we are doing pretty good I think.

I believe I am here to teach what I have learned.  I am here to offer love where it is needed.  To offer understanding where there is little.  I am far from perfect and I want to help build a world where we are all happier, as fulfilled as we can be in each moment and living the truest and most loving of our own unique self; together.

I am still eating more than I want to, but I do see a decrease in food intake and an increase in movement.  This is good.  I still want to do better, as best as I can daily.  I am a work in progress and I am okay with this. 

As I feel safe and more understood with the medical world, I feel safer and stronger within my own life.  I know I can combat anything; process anything as long as there are people who hear me, know me, see me and support me. 

Most humans like support.  Perhaps, we are made to support.  We 'grow' best when we are supported.  By ourselves; by one another.

May you support yourself.  May you support another.

May you live your days aware and open.  When and if you do find yourself dazed and shut off, embrace it, acknowledge it, open up to it and trust yourself that there is a reason you are here and you will know your answers; get your support; are okay and are, perhaps, at a wonderful moment in your life where you can create the greatest of days yet to come [in a whole new way or somewhat of a different way].

I believe in you.  May you believe in you.  Days or Dazed... you are still you and you are still on your journey.  This magical journey is just what it is. 

You deserve to live the best of you; the magic in you; the knowing that is you connected to this Source, this God, this Everything that has us all breathing, beating and being...

Journey well.  Journey on.  Journey through.  Journey as YOU.

Thank you.

Let Love Lead

As we walk through these challenging and unknown times, let love lead.  Let your love take you forward, through and on. 

Love is what we can carry with us always.  We come into this world loving and vulnerable.  We are challenged through love; propelled by love; carried by love and changed by love. 

We take all our loving connections with us, perhaps, when we leave this physical plane. 

The door to our heart swings both outward and inward.  Use this door.  Let it be easily maneuvered.  Let the love inside of you fill you up so much that it becomes easier (and safer) to allow it out in your daily travels.  Within your daily connections.

We have a heart.  We have a brain.  Use both.  If you have confusion, perhaps, it is your brain disagreeing with your heart.  Sit with this awhile.  Ask for guidance.  Ask for 'inner knowing'.  Be open to receive your best answer.  Believe it when you connect to it.  Trust yourself to be okay whatever the outcome because your 'love door' flows inwardly open whenever you ask it to.

Instead of worry, allow love.  When feeling worried, send it love.

Feel the love inside of you always expanding.  Know when you pull back or constrict.  It is your choice.

May you trust the process of love and may you trust yourself that as you grow more and more in love with yourself, you can create, get through, allow, and know what is best for you always.  Let love take you to the place(s) you know you belong. 

Sometimes, we settle; and if we do and fail, learn and grow and move on to the place that fills you up best.

My wish for you is that you let love lead.  Meet yourself where you are at and let gentle strength take you forward.  Wrap yourself up in love. 

                                               Photo by Janet Galliera

Cool.. or Not

The weather is showing us wintertime here in southern Florida.  It is in the 50s.  While, I know that 50's is not cold for many, after being here in the summer of constant 90s, 50 feels cold.  It is a change.  It is different.

How grateful I am for the greenery, the colorful plants, the blue sky.  How grateful I am that I have a warm home that has heat.  We do not need heat here much and I am grateful that it is on.  I do not have to bundle up like a 'mummy', but I do 'bundle up'. 

I am grateful for my UGGs.  How comfortable and warm they are. 

The birds are still flying, the water is still flowing and there is a lively nature every where I look.  I am grateful for this.  It brings me peace.  It brings me joy.

My body does feel the cool, however.  It feels a habitual constriction.  I am asking my body to stay expanded; that we are safe, we don't have to run for cover!... immediately anyway!

I walk forward the best I can and I walk forward with an open heart and an open mind.  I bring my connection to all that is with me.  I learn to walk anew.  I will walk anew. 

Florida did not greet me like I always imagined it would.  However, I am here.  I am finding my way (slowly--ever so slowly).  I am grateful that I am not in the cold, wintry, dark, snowy winter of Pennsylvania.  While there is much beauty in it, it is not for me.

This winter here is much better for me.  I can still be cool... or not.  Ha.

May you walk forward the best you can and walk forward with an open heart and an open mind.  Bring your whole true self with you and share the 'cool' (or not) in you...

Going Back or Moving Forward

I have no certainty or understanding or clarity about where I am just now.  I am me.  I am doing my best.  I am in a tug of war between what the doctors are saying to me and what I know and my state of health. 

I am going to trust them.. again.  Am I setting myself up for more pain and uncaring.  Am I setting myself as, maybe, I am giving too much of my power away by listening to them about medicine to take.

My head spins in confusion, uncertainty and fear.  My heart has hope.  My mind just wants to take my body out into the world. Or is it my body wanting to take my mind out to 'play' and connect to people.  Ha.

I truly do not know if I am going backwards by going back on more drugs.  I truly do not know if this same thing could take me forward.

Being and allowing pain is not me ..  or is it...  Yes, I believe it is part of me as it is present.  Yet, being in pain and not functioning at my optimal level for long term.. Well, I want there to be a better way.

I must try. 

'Just let it be so'.  I am 'preaching' this all the time.  We have both our minds and our hearts.  Use both. 

This is what I challenge myself to do just now.

I watched a movie the other night called "Big Stone Gap".  This saying caught my attention..  "No one worries about you like your mother.  And when she is gone, the world seems unsafe.  You can't turn to her anymore and it changes your life.. forever". 

How true this can feel and is.

If your mom is still around, enjoy her, connect with her, share with her, turn to her - if this is something that feels right to you.

If your mom has passed, like mine, may we be grateful for the connection, learning, love and bond that can never be taken away.

Perhaps, it doesn't matter if I do not know if I am going forward or back.  Perhaps, it matters most, that I am not stagnant and/or at a stalemate. 

I do wish I had my mom to call and talk to just now.  I will talk to her in my dreams tonight.

May you follow your heart as you check in with your mind. 

2/6/14

I typed the below post on 2/6/14.  Something had me going back to look to see what I had written on this day previously.  I feel this is certainly a good one to share again as our world and many of us find ourselves still in turmoil, change and open to and finding balance in ourselves and all that is...

May it resonate within and without.  May you continue to grow into the best of you.
-------

I struggle to begin typing here.  I am all over in thought and feeling and I am uncomfortable within my skin.  (what else is new?)....

There is something about 'vibration' that keeps creeping from my brain and it is my understanding that while some are talking about 'vibration', others have not a clue as to what it means or even care.

The theory (or fact) behind vibration is that we are all energy and that energy vibrates with life (and even objects) and that we all vibrate on different frequencies depending on our experiences and our responses to our experiences.

Most would say that a higher vibration is what one would want to achieve.  A higher vibration meaning that there is less drama created in your own thinking and being; you are more in tune with the universal energy in totality and you are kind, loving, and sharing of this.  Many believe that life flows easier for one at a higher vibration.

I do believe that we are energy.  Everything around us is energy.  Energy is abundant, dormant and restless. 

I seem to be in a strange 'land' of all of this.  I know the peace and calm.  I know love.   I know chaotic and sporadic energies within and without.  I know constant flux and I feel the totality of the universe. 

There is much pain and hardship occurring.  There is much that, seemingly, hardly is able to float.  There is the greatest joy and beauty known to mankind.  There is a great imbalance and fear that is vastly being altered consciously and unconsciously.

We are all looking for fulfillment.  My thought this morning was that I have a much easier time being on the spiritual side than the human side.  Through spirit, I can believe in the most magical of magic.  I can connect to anything and anyone.  I can know that we are all okay even as we struggle. 

The human side of me questions life.  The humanness of myself struggles with the pain and hurt that we humans portray and induce in each other.  My human body has to be in one dimension.  My spirit body wants to fly.

This is the struggle that I feel.  I know I can do anything.  I know my hummaness is hindering this. 

I believe many may have crossed this boundary already.   Many are being greater than most could anticipate.  Many are being lost more than most of us can fathom.  Awareness of all of this is greatly in our consciousness.  Perhaps, more so than ever.

I keep hearing myself write and think that we are at a 'tipping point'.  Meaning - we are energy run amok, rampant, powerful and desiring to know fulfillment.   We all have to achieve this for us all to be really fulfilled.  Fulfillment comes as a whole.  Fulfillment cannot be achieved until there are none that are hungry, none that are alone in turmoil, none that are so pained that all they can offer is pain. 

I have known this within forever.  I have discarded and buried this as to think I must be the crazy one.  I am the way too sensitive one.  I am the 'wrong' one.

What one of us has easily to offer; another one needs desperately.  Just, what if....

May you be open to giving what you can and receiving what you need.  Now, this is a concept.  HUGE. 

                                                           Unknown

 

No Words

I have no words as I am feeling like I am going backwards instead of forward.  I am being told by more than one doctor (3 to be exact) to take more drugs, to stop talking myself out of doing so and just take them.

They say how can I be me in pain; how can I be me and do the work as best I can in pain.  Just what if, I can find peace within this dis-ease through this medicine and live stronger and more outward.

It used to work for me.  It has worked for me.  Then I went inward and I never wanted to 'come out' with still having the dis-ease and still taking prescription drugs.

Maybe it is not to be for me; because there is currently nothing else being offered or that I have found.  Perhaps, just to do as these doctors are suggesting and just see.  Just watch.  Just let it be okay.  

So, I give this way six (6) months as of tomorrow to walk through, forward and in as these doctors are now offering.

Yes, I am fearful that I will be on these drugs, and something will change and a new doctor will have to be found that disagrees.  The doctor yesterday agreed with my Pennsylvania doctor that Xanax is helpful, useful and a good idea for twice a day at the lowest dose.  So, as I agree to give this a try, after weaning myself off of same, I am back taking this dose that I arrived in Florida taking.

This doctor is new here himself.  He is from Pennsylvania.  He knows the one doctor that I was a patient to for 15 years.  He lives where I currently live - in the same community. 

Maybe strength, courage, perseverance and not giving up does pay off.  It certainly does if it brings you closer to you; to 'home' within yourself. 

All I can do is walk.   And, walk I shall. 

My goal is to work doing what I love to do...  helping to support and enhance our experience(s) in our world.. one conversation, one connection, one 'care' at a time...

May I save myself in the process of doing what I know I am born to do now...

May you love what you do and become the truest and brightest of yourself that you are.  It may not be easy.  It is definitely not impossible.

You are possible.  You are brilliant.  You were born to do what you know deep inside of yourself and live it outside of yourself.   I believe.   I know.. I was I am I will.

May the real and most true form of you, please stand up, walk on and live as only you can.  May you know how special and unique your journey is.  It does matter.  It does count.  You are important to everyone you touch from your truest, deepest of self. Each day is different.  Each experience is different.  Bringing your true self to it, into it and living it - just maybe, is the most fulfilling thing to do.

                                                     Unknown

Just because

Be happy just because you can choose this for yourself.

Just be kind because it feels better within yourself to do so.

Just be true because, in actuality, you are living the truth of you.  It may come out, up and off as something different but eventually, the truth always has to be lived on the outside of ourselves as well.  So, just let it be so without energy of pretending, being, living, doing, breathing and/or acting otherwise.

Just forgive.  Forgive so that every time a past, hurtful experience comes up, it won't be still hurting us now.  Just forgive because you want to live in peace.  Just forgive because you want the freedom that it encompasses.  Just forgive because in not forgiving we may be the only ones that are hurting ourselves in the now.  Just forgive and let go because it allows you to expand and not stay constricted in this (what is left as) that turns out to be just our thoughts of.

Just be you.. because you wouldn't want to be (or know how to be) any one else and you are the one that you are here to experience and be.

May you choose to live from your happy place.. just because.

                                                                Unknown