Be U: No Words

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, February 5, 2016

No Words

I have no words as I am feeling like I am going backwards instead of forward. I am being told by more than one doctor (3 to be exact) to take more drugs, to stop talking myself out of doing so and just take them.

They say how can I be me in pain; how can I be me and do the work as best I can in pain. Just what if, I can find peace within this dis-ease through this medicine and live stronger and more outward.

It used to work for me. It has worked for me. Then I went inward and I never wanted to 'come out' with still having the dis-ease and still taking prescription drugs.

Maybe it is not to be for me; because there is currently nothing else being offered or that I have found. Perhaps, just to do as these doctors are suggesting and just see. Just watch. Just let it be okay.

So, I give this way six (6) months as of tomorrow to walk through, forward and in as these doctors are now offering.

Yes, I am fearful that I will be on these drugs, and something will change and a new doctor will have to be found that disagrees. The doctor yesterday agreed with my Pennsylvania doctor that Xanax is helpful, useful and a good idea for twice a day at the lowest dose. So, as I agree to give this a try, after weaning myself off of same, I am back taking this dose that I arrived in Florida taking.

This doctor is new here himself. He is from Pennsylvania. He knows the one doctor that I was a patient to for 15 years. He lives where I currently live - in the same community.

Maybe strength, courage, perseverance and not giving up does pay off. It certainly does if it brings you closer to you; to 'home' within yourself.

All I can do is walk.   And, walk I shall.

My goal is to work doing what I love to do... helping to support and enhance our experience(s) in our world.. one conversation, one connection, one 'care' at a time...

May I save myself in the process of doing what I know I am born to do now...

May you love what you do and become the truest and brightest of yourself that you are. It may not be easy. It is definitely not impossible.

You are possible. You are brilliant. You were born to do what you know deep inside of yourself and live it outside of yourself.   I believe.   I know.. I was I am I will.

May the real and most true form of you, please stand up, walk on and live as only you can. May you know how special and unique your journey is. It does matter. It does count. You are important to everyone you touch from your truest, deepest of self. Each day is different. Each experience is different. Bringing your true self to it, into it and living it - just maybe, is the most fulfilling thing to do.

Unknown

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!