Be U: Punked

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Punked

I have to be being punked.   This cannot be normal, every day life...   or, is this exactly what it is...

I have been having the feeling of being punked. I go to a pain management center (per rheumatologist) and they try new drugs with me and the drugs do not agree with me and I return these said drugs to the doctor's office for destruction (as required), and the pharmacy only sees logged that I received them but no returned information shows.   It is a very, very, very controlled environment (in Florida where I live now) when it comes to pain medicine. Nothing is wrong with this except when it doesn't treat the patient as 'the system' is so highly concerned about control and does not have it completely and accurately down yet. Control as in: each individual pill count and accounted for; each script must be filled the exact date and end an exact date; I must bring the pills with me each monthly appointment; I must sign a form each month stating that I am authentic and honest with what is being offered to me and that I am not sharing or selling any drugs; urine samples are taken; appointment times not flexible. Doctor says he has my back and I don't feel this to be so... (This is my experience.)   I do understand how this will help change the overuse of controlled drugs. I don't understand that they are not looking at the individual person and their truth (me).

I take this same doctor's new prescription to the pharmacy, they tell me to come pick the script up that they will not fill it. This time (it has happened before) I am told that there are too many red flags - hence the drugs I am not taking as they made me unwell and the prescriptions filled at different pharmacies because a certain pharmacy did not have the medicine available previously and the different new drugs filled that the doctor suggest I try.

I am doing everything by the book and I am suffering.   I am out of some of my medicine that works the best for me because of all these new policies.

My mind is flustered and is having a hard time wrapping around this scenario. I'm so challenged and confused (as, yes, I may be taking this too personally as someone suggested to me - ouch) that I cannot speak or type clear enough in a relaxed manner.   I feel this reads more sporadic and unclear. (I am sorry)

I am flustered to walk through this. And, walk through this I shall. It is the only way through that I see.
------

Just what if I am getting a 'download' [that many are talking about] from the universe just now.   I am becoming what I will be and letting go of the old, used 'information' that is no longer relevant...

What if I just sit with what is - all my confusion, disparity, troubles and woe - and let it flow through me and just maybe there is nothing more I need to do than this... This would be healing, lovely and easy if I allow it to be so.

No resistance - only allowance...

It feels much more loving and supportive than fighting what is.

So, for at least today, I choose to flow with what is; have an open heart; open mind and breathe. This I can do easily.

As I write this, I have been here before; having to tell myself to flow with it. How I forget and it takes situations like this to remind me.

Noted: I am reminded to flow.

I flow.

May you allow 'flow of what is' in your life today. Bring your true self to it and flow on, outward and forward from the depth of how you are experiencing life and feel on. Be true to you. Be true to your feelings. Be kind and non-judgmental as best you can.

This is the time for You to be everything that you are... (yikes - overwhelming at times, I know)

Process You on!

Whoop (lol)

It may not always be easy. My hope is that it is never impossible. Whew.

Unknown

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!