Be U: Addiction vs. Dependence

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Addiction vs. Dependence

I am learning/exploring the difference (for me) between addiction and being an addict and dependence and being dependent.

As I wean off of a 'controlled substance', I am aware of my body needing the drug. My brain stopped producing what the drug created in my body and, most likely, even added to/changed my blood chemistry.

I realize that an addict wants to take the drug so they don't feel anything; nothing. They want to keep taking more and more as to hide within; retreat from life. They often get to the point where they will do anything for the drug and it becomes their only focus.

I realize that a drug dependent person wants the drug to stop pain. They stop taking the drug once the pain subsides. They want to stay involved. There is a very fine line, at times, on physical vs. emotional pain and which comes first as they so often intertwine. I do not want to keep taking it so I don't feel anything. I only want to quiet the pain. The dependent person does not need to deceive themselves and others; however, pushed to the point of no intake of the drug and the body craving the drug, one may find themselves tortured to get the drug in their system. I have been here. I was never pushed to the point of lying and cheating (thanks to my doctor of 30 years); however, I'm sure anyone dependent could be.

The drugs are that powerful to the human body and mind.

An addict knows great torture. Moreso than the dependent. They are never at a knowing of real peace. Sometimes, the drug is all that is left in their life.

A dependent knows fear and torture too. However, they know peace in the quiet of the pain and yet there is awareness that stays present. I do believe that this awareness has to be diminished somewhat on a body dependent drug...

I do not think my body knows the difference between being an addict and being dependent.

I believe our brains may.

Our brains are not living for the next fix. Our brains just want to stop the pain and/or be able to function. Our brains do not look to get as high as possible and mentally crave the drug. A dependent person does not have as strong of a mental connection to the drug as the addicted person usually has a drug of choice. However, I also have a drug of choice. Hmm.  I chose it after trying several over the years. I chose it because it doesn't upset my stomach or make me too loopy and/or uncomfortable.

The body knows no difference.

The brain of an addict wants to bury everything that they feel. They want to get as 'high' as possible. As soon as they are returning to feeling again, the thought of the next 'fix' starts building. They often add another drug with the drug of choice.

The brain of the dependent sits with the pain not being there and functions better with the pain not requesting attention . They usually just take the one path of pain relief and this is enough for them.

So, there are so many similiarities.   There are the same cravings. There is the same need to wean.

The person addicted may be so sensitive to life, that they have not learned how to feel and/or to be true to what they are feeling.

The person dependent may also be sensitive and may not be completely open to feeling it all. They surely do not want to feel the pain.

So many similarities. Some differences.   And, yet, there is a difference.

The only difference that is completely palpable is that the full blown addict is completely consumed.

We can both get to the point where we no longer function with or without the drug.

This is exactly were I am. As I am stopping a drug, I am not functioning in the way I see/know myself to function.

I am stuck feeling not great and feeling horrible. I no longer know what is the drug(s); what is the dis-ease; what is me weaning... I cannot tell which part of what I am doing; what I experience; what I feel is presenting the problem or the solution.

Sure, the ulcer on the finger is the disease (or is it). But, the discomfort, the inability to focus, the demand on my body that I'd rather not have or experience -- what is creating this.

Noone that I have connected with is able to tell me or help me with this deciphering.

It is time for our world to do better and stand together in creating our own best selves from our own inner truth and knowing.

There is no place left to hide. There is no other option on the table than this if we want to thrive as a whole universal system.

I'd sure like to be a part of a whole universal system thriving. It starts from within.

So, perhaps, the similarities and differences do not matter as much as bringing our best self to the whole.

And, 'carry forward'.

May you carry your truest of self forward into the wholeness of our universe. All you need to do is live what is inside of you to live and share it with one another... Scary and, yet, everything we have/need/truly want is already ours - we only need to stand in the truth of and connect to our whole selves out loud.

Baby steps allowed.

Perhaps, many of us are balancing between our magical self and our pretend, stuck or old version of self. May you always be open to your own 'magic'... Let it carry you forward.

Pictures Unknown

This subject is very close to my heart. I have been living with and concerned with it for a long, long time. Only now, am I starting to be able to decipher some of what I relate and connect to as my truth.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!