Be U: Not Much to Say

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Not Much to Say

I am at a loss for words. Nothing is here within me 'knocking' to come out.

I want to have something interesting, fun and/or thought provoking to say and I do not.

The days are short and the sky is gray. I spread Gia's (my dog's) ashes on her favorite hill in the backyard last night at her favorite time (7 pm) to go out there and wait for either the neighbor to drive up their driveway or another to bring their dog out in their driveway to play and run about or the third neighbor's kids to come outside laughing and playing hockey. She would love barking trying to get their attention. They are approximately 1/8 of a mile away; each of them.

I cried; I was grateful for the joy she brought me and I was sorry for the way she left this earth. I am glad she came and stayed with me a while and her spirit (we called her the party girl) will always be remembered and felt.

How lucky and blessed I am to have known her.

I have the fireplace lit and I'm wondering what to cook for dinner and who will be home to eat. I danced to Pitbull from his New Year's Eve performance which I recorded and find myself everyday watching it and it brings me alive, totally, within myself and great joy for a few minutes.

Outside is very quiet, calm and 'asleep' this time of year to me. It doesn't feel so inviting. The dogs and I did go out back and hang awhile and Durby barked and Little Bear ran into things and Tiffany instigated chases of the cat, a ball and a toy lobster.

Tomorrow my daughter leaves for her FL horse show and this year she is going without me for the first time. She is ready and I am trying to be. I know she can do it and I trust she will be great and it's amazing to me that my little girl is no longer a little girl. She is becoming a beautiful, independent young woman.

Time can go so slow and time can pass in a blink of an eye. This just tells me how important living in the NOW is.

So, since I have nothing to say and I just bantered on...

My wish for you today is to just banter on.

Banter (dictionary.com)
an exchange of light, playful, teasing remarks

Not that my words were really light, playful or teasing....Ha. (more like just keeping it real)

May you also keep it real today!

I believe when I keep it real; it gives others an opportunity to do the same. What if our realness is the best gift we can give to each other.

When I show you the real me, how does this enable you to Be U? Does it? and vice versa Mmmmmm

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!