Be U: Wake Up Call

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Wake Up Call

Yesterday I met an interesting person. I was saying how it was time for me to live for me since having a child. I'd like a smaller car, a sportier car, a 'me' car. I've had the sedans and the SUVs for the past 17 years and I wanted something more 'fun' and suitable for me.

I went on to say it's my time to live again and let my daughter start to spread her wings.

He told me how he drove a Porsche before he had kids and he understands. He also said that his son started college early and by 24 was a doctor. This year is the first year he hasn't given him money at the son's age of 26. His son was happy and he was very proud of him.

I said not having a Porsche is so worth that. I realized that my daughter is doing great in school, she thrives with the horses and she has a part time job with her trainer. She is living her life quite nicely.

I realized this is why I live without my freedom; for her. AND, SHE is so worth it. If she moves forward loving what she does and contributing nice/positive things to the world and herself; then I've done my job magnificently. This is why I do what I do. This is why I am choosing to 'roll' in this manner.

It was a wonderful wake up call to just let everything else go for now. It won't be much longer and I'll probably then complain that I have too much freedom and I'm lonely and bored. So, let life be. Let what I create flow through me and know there's a reason for the 'madness'. There is always a reason from within.

I am thankful this man shared this information with me and I am thankful that I realized that I'm doing exactly what I want to do. I want to guide and support my child. This is what I want to do.

Freedom will come again. Me finding my own way again will come as well. Right now, today, I am right where I want to be. I am where I belong and I am grateful to be able to be here. There's no place else I'd rather be.

Look out, I'm getting it. All is good in my world this moment.

Are U thinking you'd like to be somewhere else when, really, U are exactly where U want to be. Who put U here, where U are, today?

We really do have choices. We just need to open our eyes and hearts and minds and see with all. I think I have to put a Blessed Be right here. Blessed be. Weirdo.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!