Be U: Thunderstorm

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Thunderstorm

I wake up to thunder this morning. A good thunderstorm is always enjoyable to me. And, as I say this, because of so much 'bad' weather in the world, they are different to me then they used to be. I still enjoy them and I feel like I want to put a clause in there like 'when I stay safe or they don't affect me'.

I see and feel so many changes and 'harshness' (at times) in the world. I have this deep rooted belief that it is time for all of us to give up what we know that is no longer beneficial and be who we really are and stop the racing and struggle to be who we are not because of the mere thought of 'getting ahead' in our life.

I see families (including mine) rushing to win; do more; be better; make money. Yet, when we are on our deathbeds, the only thing that matters is the relationships we have and have had. I volunteered for hospice for several years and it was nice knowing the story of a person's life; interesting and fascinating even. However, the concentration of most conversations were about the days of family gatherings, picnics with friends, laughter about sharing stories, spending time with each other. The way this person made people feel. This is what we can take with us and have with us always.

We cannot take trophies, money, or even our favorite things with us when we die. We take our cherished memories, or so it seems.

I'm not saying that winning, money and things we love are negative things; quite the contrary. However, if we are pushing too hard; not living what feels right inside; or hurting ourselves and others; I'm questioning if this is the road that is best to be on.

I get caught up in we need money to pay bills and live. It feels really good to work hard and see and feel a happy, successful outcome. I do enjoy surrounding myself with things I love. However, staying in my own head (and by this I mean not comparing myself to others to see what I need to be doing or worrying that they may have more or know better), following my own happy, giving and allowing myself what feels true for me... and allowing and helping others to do best for them. This, I believe, is where we all would do best to be.

Something the Universe may just be pushing us all to do. I feel this would be a really GOOD thing. If you stayed happy or sad because of what you know in each moment and I stayed happy or sad because of what I know. We can share what each other feel. We can have compassion, empathy, enjoyment and sorrow. I think it's best if we don't try to be what the other person is feeling also. (just because someone is angry, I don't want to give up my happy OR just because someone is happy doesn't mean it's wrong for me to feel something else)

When I encounter people that I don't relate easily to or understand what they are feeling because I have not had their experiences; if I can allow them to be them and stay in my own knowing and love myself enough to allow them to be them; does this allow and/or give me more freedom to be me in this world. Can I stay more concerned about what I can do, feel and know instead of trying to change others or even judging others.

Can I know that what I feel and believe is the right answer for me and not use someone else's answer for myself.

Is this the best way to survive a storm?

Where do I come up with these things? Ha.

May you be following YOU every step of your journey.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!